Unintentional Learning

     I have this memory, from whenever I was in school and I walked into a lunch room. Not just one specific time but many, many times throughout many different schools and across so many stages of my life. I would walk in to a full or filling lunch room and see groups of friends sitting down; talking or laughing or showing each other something they think their friends like. Kids would walk in behind me and be called to, motioned to sit next to friends. I'd see some kids sitting down without being asked, because they didn't have to be called over or ask to sit down and I remember watching that be cool with whomever they sat by.

...then there was me...

Each second became harder, somehow, to find a place to belong. I tried so hard to just be invisible so I could survey the area without being noticed. But as I have learned, I can't will myself to be unseen. I felt the awkward pouring over me, I felt kids' eyes hitting me and I felt the panic of the fact that even though I looked out of place; like I just needed ONE person (not friend, because...what's that) to pity me and ask me to sit with them...they didn't care.

All that I just explained took seconds, maybe a minute in real time but to me every single time that happened it was longer than any clock had to show. And it wasn't the fact that I was awkward that hurt so much, it wasn't that I needed to sit or even that I had no friends (most of the time at least) It was the fact that no one cared enough for real to help me out of that misery. Even people who claimed to be 'my friend' didn't care if I was going through those torturous moments.

So I learned that I was able to make myself invisible. My superpower, right?! There were times when I would stand in a corner of a cafeteria, lean against a wall and eat my lunch and not one person would say a word to me. I wish I could say this is just a metaphor or an exaggerated example of things that happened but this has happened to me many times, in real life. And it hurt worse every time I went through it.

     If that was just a memory and I was hurt but learned from it, that's cool. But it affected me in a pretty big way. Dissecting what that did to me:

-I learned that there's no sympathy for people like that (like me) and for some time I was actually scared that I might be a sociopath because I developed the ability to just not care, like there was some switch and I found a way to turn it off.

-I learned that I don't matter to people. I heard people talk about how they could never just ignore someone when they have no friends but those were some of the same people who saw me standing there and had absolutely no emotional reaction to seeing someone on the brink of panic attacks or on the verge of giving up and they didn't even flinch. If they can't handle seeing someone in pain and don't have even an inkling of emotion when they see me...they're not the problem, I am.

-I learned to avoid groups all together or to show that I don't want to be in groups.

-I learned to hide from social situations and eventually I learned to hide from situations that hurt me the same way, even when it wasn't as bad as I thought it felt like it to me and it hurt the same as if it was the worst case scenario.

-I learned to shut down when an overwhelming amount of emotional weight hit me the way it did then.

     And these are just a few things that I unintentionally leanred from those seemingly small moments. Those teachings have bled into areas of my life that I am told regularly "You need to just stop." except there's no second part to those commands, the part that explains how to 'just stop' and I'm left learning that I'm not good enough even stronger...like a terrible truth on steroids. HULK SMASH all over me again and again.

July 20th 2018 A memory and Some Stray Thoughts

     So I have a few fond memories that have been running around in my mind and a few other thoughts to share. Hopefully future me understands the mess of words I make here.

I'll start with the memory:

     Last night, I watched the Lion King on my wall with my projector. It started out where I just found all the movies on my hard drive and put them on random; Lion King was the first up and as it started, it quickly became apparent that this movie needs to be watched in giant fashion. Once up on the wall, it brought back the memory of the first time I ever saw that movie.

     My biological father (boy, I just LOVE bringing that barely-human up) saw that I had made some money and announced in front of my sister that I would pay for her to see the new Disney movie that she was dying to see. At that moment, I wanted to stare him to death like Lily did in How I Met Your
Mother. My little sister was absolutely unstoppably happy at that thought and before I could even finish being manipulated we we at the movie theater...in line for tickets...being paid for by me...NOT by my choice.

     We went in and I was so angry but I tried my best to seem OK for my sister, I really did like it when we got along so I went in and we started watching it. In the dark, I was sitting there pouting as Jonathan Taylor Thomas made fun of Mr. Bean and then Simba sang about being king some day...you know the movie.

     So the scene where Scar tells Simba to run because he just killed his dad, (that's who I saw as my biological father then and now. An evil, cowardly creep who refuses to do anything even slightly honorable) that got me hooked and I saw little sister really loving being there.

     I really loved being able to share the moment of her seeing that movie for the first time with her. By the end, neither of our eyes were dry and we both loved it. Last night I re-lived watching it on a big screen and it  was kinda like watching it for the first time again in a way.

     Life update: July 20th 2018

I've been doing A LOT better in the department of depression and suicidal thoughts for months now.
I haven't had a single thought about death in long enough that I can't remember the actual last time. I don't have a frame of reference to go back to in my entire life to remember when I was at this point. Ever.

     I have learned not to treat anything like it has no power even when it's stronghold on my mind seems to release a little, that's when it seems to come back strong. I'm not going to treat this like a victory but I am going to try to take more steps and do things that depression held me from. I'm not fully sure I know what that is but I can think of a few things that I've mentally held myself back from. My hope is that I read this in the future and see this as at least one turning point toward better things.

          I truly must give thanks to God for where my life is going and the ability to not give up before. It wasn't my steength or faith in me that got me this far. I secondly give thanks and respect to the friends, both online and in person, that have helped me get to a point where I cansmile a real smile. I'm not a finished product but this is a great place to actually work from as opposed to where I could be right now.

Thanks for staying with me this far and I promise it'll be worth your time by the end.

Updates and Thoughts (May 5th 2018)

     So these last few weeks have been...interesting, let's say. It's Friday May 4th 2018 and since my mind has been on super mega hyper attention deficit lately, I'm going to share my thoughts in list form. These are in no order and may seem nonsensical or whatever so bear with me. And because this is going to be outside the norm, I'm going to share some of my artwork throughout this diary entry. Enjoy...

* Update:
     So I recently increased my dosage of estradiol and found out my testosterone level is at a genetic female's level, which is a good thing.  I may not need to taker any kind of testosterone blockers.

* I see so many people throughout my work day as a cashier/photo tech and I'm telling you it is SO EASY to change someone's day with the smallest gestures or words.

And that goes both ways; a small kind word can take someone from a bad day to seeing things get a little better and on the opposite side, ignoring someone or throwing an attitude at someone random can truly ruin their day.

I see it so much and rudeness physically drains me at times when my stress is higher or I'm already having a  rough day.

* I've recently began accepting that I'm going to lose a lot of close friends. It's not something that one day I can just say, "OK, welp that's over." and be done with it. These are friends I've had for a very long time who have invested a lot in me.

I'm working on understanding their choice to not associate with me because I've decided to transition and respecting that. The toughest thing isn't that I disagree with them (I do but that's not the hardest part), the most difficult thing is having inside jokes or going through something I would have talked to them about or wanting to tell them something and just not having that option.

It's been similar to a breakup in a way, I've been trying to keep busy and work through the pain of losing such close people to me in doses I can handle. Writing this actually was so hard that it took me days to complete sentences without having to stop.

I don't really have many tears these days, I've been through so much that it takes a lot to make me cry in life...although all it takes in the TV world is a character I like to die or move and I ball like a baby, go figure.

* I've got some new plans that I'm really truly excited about. I'm not going to share all of it just yet but I want to preserve the memory of this moment by sharing some things:

     -I am slowly turning my room into a studio with a projector and a dry erase board for different purposes. I set it up and watched How I Met Your Mother then One Piece to test it out...IT. WAS. AWESOME. And it's only gonna get cooler.

     -I'm working on a plan to write a small story/novel. I've had this mostly thought out idea in my head for years and I'm trying to put it on paper (so to speak) whether it's good or not is up to the words I choose but I at least am going to try to make it good.

     -I have some plans to film some things soon, something I haven't done in years and have been wanting to. My friend Nico and I are working on doing some shooting soon...EXCITING!

                ...that's all I'm willing to share with the world just yet. More will come over the next year.

* This one's not great and I wish I didn't have to type it but here it goes:

    Over the last two weeks, suicidal thoughts were very strong and very convincing. Clearly I'm not going to let that thought walk into my head and beat me but I cannot lie and say it's easy to just ignore thoughts like everyone would be better off if I was just never around ever again or that I keep hurting people around me.

     It is hard to deny that being trans has hurt a lot of my friends and those around me, I know the truth is I am not maliciously hurting them and I know that having a mental disorder or a gender identity disorder or having other physical disabilities isn't quite the same as 'hurting' someone but the cold hard truth is there are a group of people who are worse off because I am going through this and have decided to embrace my new life instead of trying to deny it or do something different.

     I'm trying...I promise.



* On a better note, I've been a little more able to handle a little more lately. It's a small step but it's a step in the right direction. I have trouble working days in a row, in fact a few months ago I could not work 3 days straight; I'd have trouble doing simple things like speaking clear sentences ort counting.

I've been working a little more before those kinds of malfunctions happen and I'v ebeen able to hold my temper better too, which is even more impressive because I'm now on an increased doseage of estrogen. Yay me.

     Well I could go on but I'll end this particular diary entry here. Thank you for reading. And as always...

I Dreamt a Dream Last Night

     I had a dream last night, Friday February 16th, 2018:

I was in the middle of a dream about my church starting a petting zoo full of very interesting animals. There were giant owls and all kinds of furry things that were very nice to kids and in the middle of it, two guys started to have a catch. They made a competition of it and were having fun  when I saw two girls walking and arguing. One was holding a hockey stick and I yelled to everyone at the zoo, "Hey! I'm having a memory! Stop. That's a memory,.not a dream."

The entire zoo art my church and the two guys having a catch and everyone at my church stopped as if they were all on break at a job while I walked toward these two girls, one was a tall girl with red hair and the other was a shorter girl with dirty blonde hair, and they were arguing over who gets to keep a hockey stick. It was my old hockey stick and the shorter girl was someone I dated a very long time ago, a girl I loved very deeply.

They were yelling and the shorter girl was crying while the taller girl was just angry; I interrupted them, "Hey, hey. You can stop fighting. Please stop fighting or being sad." The tall girl dropped the stick and I continued, "You both get to be happy. You both get to get what you want, you get to be happy in your life. Without me."

The tall girl looked bored with the conversation and walked away uncaringly. The shorter girl was crying and didn't understand, "You get to have what you want, and be really truly happy." I said calmly.

She tried to come close enough to me to hug or something, looking for some kind of affection but I stopped her respectfully, "You get to have what you want, you get to really be happy. You get to." She was calming down and starting to understand the gravity of my words, realizing I meant in her future and not that I was just dumping her or something like that.

"And...I'm gonna be a girl." she looked shocked and confused by that. She stopped crying completely and slowly was growing into the idea that she was going to get to be happy. She didn't even ask about what I said about myself, she just accepted that and was walking away from me.

I remember feeling sad that she was walking away, not because I wanted her to stay with me but that I didn't want to be alone. She walked far enough that I couldn't see her anymore and the whole time, she was getting happier and happier.

Then I woke up. Feeling nostalgic and really sad and kinda happy for her in a depressing way and lonely. Lonely.

Inspire

     So today is the beginning of my tests...I'm nervous although not as scared as I was a few weeks ago. I think it'll be okay overall. Today is my cardiologist appointment and while I got violently sick yesterday, at 4:30 am I am feeling good enough to fight through any of the nausea or stomach pains.

Let me give you a glimpse into yesterday's craziness:

     I went to work early and had a tooth ache, a bad one. I kept taking ibuprofen but literally every few minutes the pain would come right back so I took like 1 or 2 every once in a while.


Then I bought naproxen, thinking it might help curb the pain better AND THEN I got a migraine feeling so I took some exedrin. This was all in a span of 8am-4pm so it wasn't really a long time and by the end of my work day I started feeling too sick to keep going.

Near the end of my work day, I started feeling like I was getting overheated and thought I was getting a fever. So I bought some airborne (the store brand, let's be real...I'm poor) and almost the moment I finished drinking that, I got really dizzy and light headed.
Like, it was crazy how odd and scared I felt for about 30 minutes. I took a 15 minute break and  still felt like I wasn't actually there, it was really weird and scary. After that kinda calmed down, I started feeling really nauseous; a nausea I haven't felt in so long.

   *For anyone who feels better after throwing up, more power to ya. When I throw up it signals the end of the day for me no matter what time it is. So when I can, I do ANYTHING I can to avoid throwing up. Call me a wuss or call me whatever else you want but I have taken precautions to not throw up for over ten years...till yesterday. Insert sad face here.

     I ended up leaving work an hour early and had to ride my bike as fast as I could to catch the train, which made my stomach feel just wonderful, and made it back to my place in time to get violently ill.


Around 5pm I went to sleep between moans of pain and runs to the bathroom (sorry for the visual but it's what happened) I think at about 9pm, I got a ridiculous craving for Taki chips even though I still felt just awful, I stood up a few times only to need to lay right back down seconds later.

At around 1am, I started to feel really hungry and stood up for long enough to be able to take a small walk to Wawa, I got a small hoagie some Taki's and chocolate milk and THANK GOD I was able to eat most of it and even went to sleep for a while after that. I know I shouldn't sleep right after eating like that but I just needed to sleep so bad it was good to be able to.

     I woke up about 4:30ish and now I feel good enough to be able to stand existing FINALLY. And while sitting here I have some thoughts I want to air out and hopefully help someone somewhere...

I was talking to someone recently who mentioned they were abused as a kid and I think this is something this country needs to think about and needs desperately to find a way to stop. Abusing a child forever changes their lives in such a deep and sometimes devastating way.

A kid's innocence is always taken from them and they have such a  high potential to be demented or suffer depression or it could influence them to do harmful things...there are way too many cases of people committing heinous acts to themselves or others; things that can be directly or indirectly attributed to the sexual, emotional or manipulative abuse they went through.

I was lucky enough to barely ever, if ever, be physically abused and I was never sexually abused but there was a lot of emotional and manipulative abuse in my life that, to this day, affects me daily. One specific memory that hits me regularly is when I was a kid (I forget how old I was), I was told to throw away my favorite childhood blanket by my mom's at-the-time boyfriend. He was rude and mean and told me I was stupid or childish for wanting to keep it and one day when I went to school, he put it in a trash bag. When I came back from school, he yelled at me for not taking the trash out and made me do it right then. Then when the trash truck came later on, he pointed to it and told me my blanket was gone forever and told me that I chose to throw it away.

     That haunts me, not because I miss that blanket necessarily but because he used it in the most malicious way and threw that entire situation in my face as a little kid. I do miss that blanket and if I had the chance, I would have cut it into small pieces and kept them as a keepsake at least; that blanket was with me during some very rough times as a kid and it meant something to me that I felt I lost forever that day.

     Another memory that haunts me was when I came in from being outside and that same piece of work was sitting in the living room. He looked sad and tired and I asked if he was okay or what was going on, something like that. He slowly answered me by telling me a whole story that actually still kinda scares me. He told me he and my mom got into a fight, it started out verbal like usual. I wasn't surprised and he continued, telling me they fight got physical and she grabbed a knife.

He paused and said she was so angry at him that she sliced her neck from ear to ear. Tears filled my eyes and I was shocked, stunned, frozen; I had no idea what to do. I've never been that close to my biological mother but that was scary to hear at 9 years old.


So I'm standing there trying to come to terms with my mom's death or at the very least major injury, since he didn't say she was dead. He sat there, looking stunned and I was absolutely immovable...then my mom walked out of her living room. SHE WAS FINE!
Angry and not pleasant, but her neck was fully intact. I then was just...I could not believe a human adult would tell a child that story. My mind still has trouble believing there is that much evil in everyday life.

Things like that have changed my mental state forever, I am slightly demented and messed up because of these stories and a few more things; between that guy and my biological father I had enough mental abuse to last a lifetime or 3 and without all that I have a much better chance at being normal and better adjusted today.

     I know there are people who have bene through much worse than I have and people who have both hurt themselves or others and who have become something successful after going through their torture stories and I want to offer something positive to anyone going through or anyone who has gone through any kind of abuse:

You can do great things. You can help others or stop the people who have abused you and make this world a better place, you can take that evil energy and rage and use that to fuel something that helps fix these situations.If you've been through heinous things and you're still around YOU are a success. You are. I don't mean people like you who are prefect or talented in some way, I mean you...the person who may be struggling to make ends meet or you fight to make it to the end of everyday or the perosn who messes up a lot but still sees the next morning. YOU are an inspiration to someone.

Thank you, to everyone like this. You're why I'm still alive and you inspire 

me. You inspire more people than you could posisbly know. Don't give up. 

     It's funny, I was gonna write about trans people who suffer abuse and how that affects us (which it's true) but this is an issue that affects so many. I don't want to limit it to black or white people, to the trans community or cisgendered people or non-binary people or just poor people, etc. It hurts anyone and everyone affected by abuse and I want to see people as a whole do 2 things:
   1. Rise above their situation and become an inspiration to others
   2. Do what we can to stop abusers from corrupting innocent kids.

Thank you for reading this and feel free to share this with anyone who you think reading this could help.

January 22nd 2018 Update

     Vincent: I've been dealing with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and insane amounts of random bad luck lately and that has been affecting my life in a big way. I've missed work, I've missed out on things for friends and I've been giving myself migraines from the stress of all that. And of course, I had to do something to help my situation, I broke my tooth the other day and it is killing me.


I've given up trying to keep up with friends or anyone else and that has it's good and bad sides. Oh and every day I get called Vincent or he or get asked to do something because "I'm a guy" makes it harder to deal with, I do not feel like a guy in any way other than my body so it's getting harder to hear; I'm not saying I'm going to yell at anyone who uses those terms, I'm just saying I feel it more and more that I want so badly to put 'Vincent' away for good.


     Layla: It's been so hard not to start the hormones I have in my possession, it would be so easy to just start them and not even tell my Dr. I'm not gonna do that but it would be so easy and it would make me feel a lot more comfortable. I've gained so much weight lately that it's crazy, maybe it's because I haven't been walking for about a month now but I think it's because I stopped estrogen (that's when it started to add up so quickly, I've gained about 25 lbs since stopping)

On the positive side, I've been slowly introducing more feminine things into my world, mostly for the sake of my friends and that's been going okay. I started painting my nails months ago and now my friends aren't shocked when they see that and I've been wearing more pink and more softer colors and clothes that are more stereotypically feminine; my hair is getting pretty long and I love that.

And another really cool...let's call it a side effect of being open about myself is my dreams. So I have always had dreams that I had to hide being feminine, like one specific one was when I was in 6th grade.

I was walking home from school one random day and I realized I was growing breasts; my chest

started to ache and I was trying to be as invisible as I could. As I was nearly safe from every one's view, a friend came and told me I needed to be a safety that day (I was a safety in school for a while and had to wear a bright orange belt and a badge after school) So I go to a corner and help kids cross the street but I'm trying my hardest to hide that  my body is becoming more feminine by the minute; by the end kids didn't recognize me till I spoke.

I felt so embarrassed when I woke up and that ramped my hiding of the truth by a lot. I tried harder to be more manly for a while and tried so hard to stay away fro anything even remotely feminine.

Now, I have been dreaming myself as a female completely for a while now, it's interesting how my mind changes how my dreams are based on how things go in life. I'm nt saying that I'm a biological female or that I ever will be but my mind knows what I am inside and has begun kinda recentering certain things. It's pretty fascinating.

     I have two appoin tments coming up this week and I am terrified that the cardiologist appointment will not go well so I would appreciate any kind words or prayers. If that goes well, the apointment at

Mazzoni Center will go really well and I'll be allowed to start medicine.

I'm anticipating these and hoping for the best. I'm realy hoping in a few years I'll be able to talk about all of this as a stepping stone toward Layla's emergence and a renewed life. Hoping...hoping...

A Possible Beginning to my Journey

     I remember being in preschool, there was a wall full of costumes that was about the coolest thing I ever saw...at the time at least. (Hey I was like 5, chill out.) Anyway, this wall had so many hats and scarves and dresses and fake jewelry and canes and so much more.

This wall fascinated me from the very second I learned what it was, I wanted to be anything and everything. I guess you could point to that time that formed my desire to act and write. I played with that costume wall every chance I got but there was something that I really wanted to do but never could;
I always wanted to dress up and play with the girls and enjoy dressing up Barbie dolls. I watched the girls having fun and felt jealous and sad that I couldn't be a part of that. And I understood their games and love of clothes and I felt like on some level I belonged with them.


Then I looked at what the boys were playing with and how they were playing, some of it wasn't horrible but there wasn't much that I cared about. I specifically remember playing with my best friend when we were kids and GI Joe was a big thing but I absolutely hated it! In fact, the only thing I liked at all was setting up the scenes.

I would set up a town for the GI Joes or transformers or legos for hours and get things just the way I wanted and then I'd clean up and put everything away. It was a weird dynamic I had going but it was me trying my hardest to accept me as a boy and it wasn't working but it was all I had. I had a Mickey Mouse stuffed animal that I treated like it was my kid, I took it everywhere and took care of it like it was a real baby and for a long time I didn't know why I wanted to do that so bad.

I remember seeing my friends that were boys building and digging and working on their preskool cars like they were mechanics and there I was babysitting a Mickey Mouse stuffed animal while dreaming of playing with the girls and playing with makeup.

The few times I was able to do those things, it was like I was in the right place or doing the right thing. My little sister would play with her dolls and I'd play with her, giving me a reason to dress up the dolls and match clothes and just be who I felt was the real me.

I know all kids go through phases like that but this was more than a phase and I knew it then, I didn't just put on my mom's shoes just to get attention. I knew then that I wanted to truly be a girl, like always.

That was the time it went from a boy who hated being what he was to a boy knowing he wanted to be a girl. From there it became a need that I had to bury, hide and ignore and treat like just a disgusting guilty pleasure. But I'm really starting to believe that that's when a journey began for me that might have a happier ending...


                                                                           ...I hope.

Why I'm Writing This

     I want to talk about a tough thing to talk about: Suicide.

Suicide has been a large theme in my life, a demon that has been beyond hard for me to deal with on my own. When I was young, I tried to attempt suicide even before I truly knew what it would mean and throughout my teen life, I came close many times to giving up and ending myself. Sometimes they were over things that weren't nearly serious enough to warrant something so permanent and sometimes there were very hard things for a little kid to handle and it would have made sense if I attempted something in a more determined way.

I'm not saying it would have been right or that anyone should ever attempt something so final, but there are times in my personal life that would have made suicide make sense to others.

That was all just kind of an intro for this entry, I can and will get into some of those topics on a deeper level at another time.

     The topic for this entry is why I write in this and what my goal is for things like suicide walks and supporting organizations that I do support.

               I'll start with why i write this.
I started writing this in 2012 because I knew I wanted to die but didn't understand why. It took me years of writing my worst, most depraved, scariest thoughts before I started to understand that
I didn't want to die, I wanted to be okay. I wanted to be happy. I want to be an inspiration to people who feel like there's nothing that can get better in all of life. Through the depression, through the pain and through the worst times, I hope that someday someone reads any of this and understands that they are not only not alone but that they don't truly want to end things in reality but they want to feel and be better.


It's so hard to to understand what you feel when you're in the middle of feeling it. Sometimes your situation leads you to believe that you don't want anything but to end it all or give up and stop having to try. That is a very real thing and feels like solid truth ESPECIALLY in your mind.

But if you examine what you're going through and what the situation truly is, usually you'll find that you don't want to end your life or give up. You want to feel happy, you want things to calm down, you may want someone to like/love you or you may want something that you need or think you need.

There are always extreme situations and I am NOT going to try to say anyone's situation or issues are not important enough.  Your situations can be very serious and very real, that's not the thing I hope you focus on though. there is always another way to change things. Always.

And secondly, why I support the organizations that I support.

     afps.org hosts suicide prevention walks all over and I participate every October at the Art Museum in Philadelphia, PA. They do a lot to bring awareness to something that has so many misconceptions and has a reputation for being purely something selfish when in fact it's something that we need to be able to talk about and be open about. The worst thing to do in a suicidal situation is to treat a person thinking about suicide like they just "need to grow up"


     Well, I hope this gives you something to think about and lets someone know they are not alone. If you or someone you know is having any thoughts about committing something permanent like suicide, please please please feel free to contact me or call 1-800-273-8255. You are not weak for calling, you're strong for fighting a very scary opponent by getting help. You can become an inspiration to someone else by surviving.

Eulogy of a Shadow

     So anyone who knows me knows I've dealt with suicide and death a lot in my life. It's kinda like a shadow that has followed me (I know death follows EVERYONE but not everyone feels it as much as some of us twisted special ones)

     Even as a kid, I was obsessed with death and at many point, I've wanted to die. Sometimes it was a just as a way out of a terrible situation, like when I was about 7 and my biological parents were fighting one night very loudly and I was sent to his room. I heard therm and just wanted that feeling to stop, that feeling of hearing people fighting over me. I hated so much that my existence was causing such a  scary argument and it made me want to do anything to stop it.

I thought two things:
     1. If I were to die then, right that night almost in front of them then they'd stop caring about screaming at each other. Might even bring some peace to people who were involved. I thought that would teach them a lesson too. I thought how bad they would feel if a little kid made them learn a lesson.
     1. I just wanted to get out of that situation. I hated hated hated feeling so uncomfortable. I knew nothing about what death was in the grand scheme of things but I knew I would have rather dealt with dying then continue feeling the pain of sadness caused by their fight. It was a soul killing sadness that has bled into my inner thoughts and has followed mr around like a creepy shadow.

     That was all just an intro to the point of this whole thing:
For so long I've wanted to kill me and aim all the sadness at ending myself...or at least I thought I wanted that. When I examine why I think and feel the way I do, I learn that the truth is I want to not feel that sadness or pain. The idea of dying is an escape from that and becomes the consolation prize that I convinced myself I wanted more than my true wish.

     So I thought today at work about what I truly want and two things happened that made me want to put my shadow to rest.

One was a man came to my register. I said my delivery line that I've been conditioned to say, "Hi, How are you today?" and his response was, "Well, my back hurts and my life kinda sucks..." he proceeded to tell me he has cancer because of agent orange, his wife passed away not too long ago, his son is mentally handicapped and he has back, leg and foot pain. The thing is he was smiling the whole time, not like a joyous "everything is awesome even though things aren't great" kinda smile, it was a painful smile. A smile that told more of his story than his story told, it was interesting to hear him complain because his eyes were almost devoid of emotions in a way that told me he has been through so much emotions that there wasn't much left.

And through all of that, he wasn't complaining the way most people do. Most people complain because they expected life to give them so much and it just didn't. He was telling a story of hardships without blaming life or God or others. Through the conversation, he told me his son keeps asking when Mom is coming home and the best thing he could say was, "We'll see mom again when we move and go to her." It was the best way he could explain her death to his son who will never understand...for lack of better words.

The other thing was a status on facebook that connects this man's story to my subconscious. Blaire White (a transgender political/current events youtuber, one of my favorite channels) posted:

     I had to repost it, because it's something I think I expect too much. I will probably either forget or think something bad is the end of the world soon but it at least gave me something to think about for today and has been on my mind.

I try to challenge myself to grow when these kinds of things occur; these bits of deep truth that should change our all of our lives. I know I'm more messed up than most but once in a while I see some truth or bit of wisdom that we should all think about and meditate on in some way. "Life becomes infinitely easier once you accept that it doesn't owe you anything." Very smart words.

I'm not one to give out words of wisdom but these are definitely words people these days should think about regularly. Thank you for reading.

Today is the Only Day That Matters Right Now

     Today. An odd word, really. Seems like nothing special, were all use it all the time...right? The truth is in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't mean very much afterwards but in the moment, it means everything. In most ways, yesterday and last year are insignificant to our needs or wants or hopes and dreams. We've already lived that day out and it's nothing more than a memory. Not to say that memories aren't important, sometimes that's the only thing keeping people or places with us. Memories are very important for our mental state, but survival happens today for some of us. Maybe not in some cinematic 'i have to jump from this bridge that ship before it explodes' kind of way but we survive in harrowing and very seemingly very small ways.

     Jim Carrey had a stand up bit that is hilarious and also very deeply true; he said life is all about impulses. We all have impulses every minute of every day. "Do I run this razorblade across my tongue or do I shave normally and go to work?" Carrey used as a funny example (it's on YouTube, check it out. He's a lot funnier than I am) and it's funny to use crazy examples but there's so much truth in that philosophy. Every moment, were have a ton of little options that could be detrimental or they could be just normal routine stuff or could make life better in some way. Or life or someone else's

     I guess now is as good a time as any to get you why I'm writing this. I have impulses regularly that are not good...no, I'm not saying I'm crazy and hear voices but I am saying that I have mental issues that make it very easy for me to see myself as worthless, bad for everyone around me no matter what I do and generally a curse on anything I touch. I know logically I'm not supposed to think that way, I fight abortion hard and defend second chances for people whenever I can; it's very important to me that when I see the chance to show someone that they can be better, that I do it or when I see a way that life can be protected, it's not taken lightly. I do all that with vigor until it comes to myself. To give you insight into time when I'm alone, when no one else can see me: I have trouble looking into mirrors, most of that is because I have this distorted view of me. When it gets so bad that it takes you actually time, like I actually think about how bad I am to friends and to co-workers for serious amounts of time, that's when it's something that needs real attention.

     There have been big things that happened throughout my life that led me to this thought pattern, some of those were my fault and some out of my control. I'm not trying to make myself a victim for the most part, I've made a lot of dumb mistakes that caused long term problems for me (my dating history is a perfect example) and I am also in fact trying to say that my entire thought process needs to change. I want that to change, really badly.

     I recently nearly made the worst impulse a reality, one that would have taken away my 'todays' forever. I'm not happy about thinking that way but I can't lie or act like it didn't happen. That day is now not important, because it's not today though and I'm trying to keep this thought in my head more and more. Right now, this very second...Yesterday isn't important. Only today is and only today should be when bad things happen or when you make decisions you regret.

     Learning from yesterday and honoring good things about yesterday is good, today is the only day that matters though. Today you can make choices count, today you can change things, today you can survive.

     Remember yesterday, survive today and have hope for tomorrow.

A Few Memories of Epic Proportions!

     So one night, I was babysitting this little baby girl and a boy who has been one of my best friends since his first birthday. She was...one, I think and it was at late night. I was watching some horror movie and heard a noise that I never ever like hearing, a sad cry. Now there are a few different cries, some are annoying and some cause sympathy and then there's the worst kind: a sad cry. This little girl had a "night terror" and was crying hysterically.

     I was in the basement and couldn't run fast enough to get to her, this little princess' cry, especially the sad cry, was and is the worst sound I could possibly hear so I got to her and picked her up. Something about this little angel: I have never had kids myself but I know the feeling that nothing matters more than a baby's happiness and well being and when I held her I knew that not a single thing mattered more than making her feel better. The light in her room was dim and I rocked her a little for a little while to get her to stop sad crying. While rocking her, I sang some songs to try and relax her.

I wasn't used to doing this so I came up blank on songs so I sang the songs that come naturally to me...so please don't make too much fun of me. I sang a few Saturday morning cartoon songs, Animaniacs, Tiny Toons, Ninja Turtles and maybe a few others. She still cried but was slowly calming down. Then I sang one of my favorite songs and just a few words in she stopped crying loudly, her little cheeks were soaked by tears but she yawned and looked up at me. My heart absolutely melted and I smiled a smile that only she can get out of me (and she still does to this day) and I kept singing.

     "...take my hand, take my whole life too. For I can't help falling in love with you..." And I know the song's meaning but in that moment I understood what a parent feels like when they say they love their kids. I sang the rest of the song and she yawned her little tiny yawns and even smiled a little as I finished (probably because I was done singing, hahaha)

And as I laid her down in her crib, I saw love in a way I had never experienced before. Knowing that I stopped her sad cry meant more to me than any amount of money or any accomplishment I did for myself, her not being sad...that made my heart melt like nothing could.

     Another memory that will last a lifetime:

I was at work one day and I forget what exactly happened but someone was messing with me, trying to get me to fight them. I am not one to get into fist fights if there's a way to talk things out or even yell things out so the fact that the person got me to the point of almost engaging was really impressively bad. That day my friend was picking me up from work and she pulled up moments before a possible fight. 

Normally I would sit in the passenger's seat but this day my friend saw how upset I was and made me get in the middle seat in her minivan. I was annoyed that she wouldn't let me in the front but I got in and in the opposite middle seat was this infant, maybe around the same time as the previous story. I was so worked up, just about nothing could calm me down..or so I thought. 

     I looked over at the baby and saw that little baby girl's smile and even though I was ready to get into a fight moments ago, she smiled and the whole world seemed to stop being so negative. Again, her happiness was so much more important than some fight or whatever that person did or said. It was as if God personally spoke through that tiny little angel directly to me. Her laugh healed my anger. That little girl that I lovingly call "Spazz" is and has always been an angel to me.

     And the last Epic Story:
Skipping ahead a few years, I was visiting my friends ending up there late. I hadn't lived with them for a while and my friend stepped outside when I heard that same cry from that same girl, about 6 years older by now. She again had a night terror and I again, went to her as fast as I could and again she was crying that sad cry that hurts my heart so much. I picked her up and walked her down to the basement where I was watching a movie and she sat on my lap.

Through tears, I whispered nice things to her and calmed her out of her hysteric crying. Then she give me a kiss on my cheek and put her little head on my shoulder and in a few minutes fell asleep. I remember this moment because at the time I hadn't seen her for a few weeks and she treated me like I was supposed to be there. There wasn't weirdness and she didn't take away her trust in me, it was just there.

I picked her up and walked her back to bed and she slept through the night. I took a picture because her head on my shoulder meant more to me than any amount of money that has ever or will ever exist. That little girl is my heart and soul personified.

Thank you, God for this little angel.