Baby Steps, Baby Steps...

     If you pictured Bill Murray or Richard Dreyfuss because of the title, we can be friends.

OK so my last post detailed just how bad it can get when I get stuck in the depths of my mind and while none of that is solved or completed, I am trying to deal with those thoughts and move ahead in life. Right now the only thing I can o is take small steps toward being a tiny bit better than I was yesterday, that's how you get better from illness and that's how you become a better person.

     The funny thing is I'm learning that my transition is very much a slow and drawn out process, it's not a "I'll take a pill or a needle and tomorrow I'll be completely done and ready to go out into the world as a finished product." I'm learning that as I transition physically, I'm changing mentally and spiritually and emotionally probably a lot more than any physical difference that even will occur (and that's a lot since I'm going to eventually look very differently)

     A week ago, I was feeling ready to pack it in and give up on life, I felt dead alive. The Walking Dead has a deep theory that the zombies are not the walking dead, the people are.

I felt/feel like I'm walking dead at times and whether it's because I'm losing friends or because the stress of work is too great or because I don't have a life or because I let anxiety take my ambition away or...about a thousand other things, I don't even see myself as 'alive' most of the time.

     Well, I've been trying to take some baby steps lately. As of May 26th 2018, I started on anti depressants. My first day went decently and today (Sunday the 27th) was rather eventless so you could call it a not bad day.  I hung out with a very good friend for a while and that was great but aside from that, I basically sat around all day.

I got off topic there...

So baby steps:

     I started taking medicine, I have taught myself how to do things that anxiety has stopped me from (like using the phone for a long time), I've been trying to change my attitude and the way I think about certain things, I've been trying to do things for other people more and I've been trying to take attention away from negativity in my own head and focus more on positive things.

I wish I had some answers to these attempts or deeper thoughts but I either just started or just re started these so only time will tell how I deal with everything. I can say I have hope and despite the things that could push me over  the edge, I am focusing on the future and on helping others...I pray that God shows me what my path is and that I remember Him in my thoughts more and more.

Thanks for attention, please feel free to share your thoughts or experiences. 

They Can't All be Good Days, Right?

     

     So it's been a few days since I last wrote in this and that's not a good thing. I created this diary to express my most inner demons and reveal to myself (and others who may be going through something similar) and while I believe I've made some monster strides in the way of progress, it's not all sunshine and roses in the depths of my mind. So this is a warning that it's going to get kinda dark in this entry.

     The last few weeks haven't been good. I haven't spent time with anyone and I've been masking the negative by smiling but it turns out that masking demons NEVER works for me. Ever.
So I recently lost a large portion of my friends and my entire support system, the same group that has kept me alive at times.

The same group that has taught me more than anyone else ever has, combined. And that is monumental, vast...enormous to me. Nearly impossible for me to just move on from and unlike a toxic relationship, this group was and is a good group. I refuse to treat them like they're  anything less than great...even though this situation is hurting me more than almost anything I've been through in my time here on earth.

     And as much as I wish I could say, "But even through this, I've overcome...I've succeeded in...I' haven't let that get me down...etc." But the truth is my transition and my psyche and my enjoyment has been at a very low for weeks now.

I've been depressed, I've considered what if I stop my transition, I've thought about is it worth going through this giant change and I've also thought hard about ending myself to fix the entire situation. I
heard that someone who was decently close to me who told a friend that they don't want me around their kids. But we're still friends. That makes me feel like a monster, a monster that shouldn't be in society...a feeling I've identified with for a very long time; something that I used to feel the need to prote4ct everyone by not subjecting them to my existence. I thought of myself as Angel from the old tv show.

     Angel, for those who don't know of the show, was a vampire with a soul. Played by David Boreanaz, the character was good but everyone who got close to him ended up getting hurt or killed.
He saw that and started being mean to those he cared about so they'd go away and he watched them from afar, always seeing that their lives were better without him in it.

There's one specific part of the series where he had a son and his son was so messed up by having a father who's a vampire that his life was just awful. So Angel had a chance through some television magic to erase his son's memories of being his son; he lived in a household where he had a normal life in a family that was like the stereotypical happy family.

Angel loved his son, Connor, so much that he erased himself from Connor's life...Connor was happy and had a good life...because Angel wasn't a part of it.

Now, I know it's just a silly tv show and there was insanely terrible story lines (like Angel turning into a puppet, no lie...smh) but the character's inner struggles have resonated with me from the first time I watched the show. And the ironic part of this is I always felt like a monster because I was this fake thing that had to hide what I truly was; getting away from the metaphorical here:

I had this female persona who I treated like an evil Jekyll that came out when I couldn't hold in the energy (only when I was alone). I  hated that inside, I had all these feminine desires and thoughts and hopes and dreams, I hated that I wasn't 'one of the guys' like ever and when I tried nothing ever went well.

So I would stay away from people I cared about and I'd end up going back and forth. One minute I meet someone and get to know then, I'd spend time with them and realize that, "Hey, this person is really cool. Hmm...I hope I don't ruin their life...I should do them a favor and back away..."

And because I'm not awkward in the least, I'd back away in THE MOST IMPERFECT MOMENT EVER and it would be just the worst. And adding to that the fact that I had a giant problem knowing what to say a lot as a kid (...and now), I didn't ever explain what was happening even when I explained it I didn't explain myself.

So for most of my life, the reason I did this was because I was lying about who I was and so now I'm trying to embrace the person I am inside...and here I am considering suicide again...because I lost just about any outside communication, that fellowship that customers don't give me and facebook doesn't give me and texting isn't enough of.

Last week, I was back to that point where I had to convince myself not to end myself that day...and I had to try very very hard to convince myself. The end result of that mental debate was only won because I didn't have the means to do anything serious. It's kinda like I was too lazy to kill myself and my brain made that so strong that I didn't do it. I'm also very scared of pain.

     I'm trying to put things in my life that might talk myself into being excited about the future, I'm trying. I'm scared of the future, I'm scared of being alone, I'd rather die and the possibility of being so alone (like I have been lately), it's real convincing of as future of only having customers as 'friends' which is the most fake kind of friendships. I hate being fake, I hate being a liar and I hate being alone.

A few friends who have stuck by me have been truly life saving, even through these terrible thoughts. I'm trying to make plans for next year and I'm trying to do things that are future motivated, I'm hoping that the good can outweigh the bad here...cauuse I need it to.

Last thoughts:
     I haven't been praying or reading my bible lately and I don't like that. I need to take the baggage I gave Him off and try to really lean on my God. I want to do things that are fruitful and things that benefit others and I need God to do that. Isaiah 63:9 says "in all their affliction, He was afflicted," ad I want Him to rejoice because I rejoice in the future. Pray for me, if you don't believe then you're not doing anyhting but taking a few minuites to do something for me and I appreciate that. Just say outloud, "Help him." that's enough for my God to hear...cause I need help.

Thanks.

It's Always Something

     I have a tooth ache. I have anxiety. I feel sick. Migraines, migraines, migraines. I forgot my ibuprofen. My dog ate my homework. My aunt is sick. My grandmother died. My pet ran away.

My boss called my into her office recently and after talking for a while she asked me, "Is everything okay? Is something going on?" I kinda laughed and said I'm fine so we could continue the conversation.

The truth was I wasn't fine at all, I had a bad anxiety attack at work and was barely able to breathe while we were talking but that didn't matter...once I found out I wasn't in trouble or anything was wrong. Part of my anxiety was that conversation, the boss asked me to see her in her office "at the end of the day"

     After the conversation, I thought about that question. No I'm not okay, I'm going through something. I'm just about always going through something whether it's a migraine or anxiety or whatever, always something.

And the reason that question is important is because of a few things I'm trying to do in life right now. I'm trying to do things that uplift others and create positivity in my own currently broken heart and
that is no easy task with something always going on. But I know I need to keep going, I need to fight through all the 'somethings' and try.

     One night recently, I was on instagram and saw a celebrity who took a picture and hid it somewhere. Jason Lee taped it to a stop sign and someday someone's gonna find it. If he signed it, they're gonna get a personal photo from the voice of Syndrome...or if it was me, Brody from Mallrats (my favorite Kevin Smith movie, make fun if you want) and how cool would it be to find something like that.

     So that instantly inspired me to do something similar, although my fame is quite limited compared to...well anyone. Just finding a photo from me isn't exactly something that anyone would love to find
just because BUT if I wrote a letter to someone maybe I can uplift someone somehow. That thought grew into writing a letter to a stranger that they might possibly need to read.

     So I thought about this country and where so many people are. Depression, anxiety, suicide, mentally just beaten from every direction...everyone needs to hear that they're worth it. I don't know one person who doesn't need a little pick-me-up from kinda no one.

     So I wrote a letter that I would like to find and read myself and I put it in a zip locked bag. Then I wrote another and put it in a zip locked bag. So far it's been rainy so I've only had the chance to hide one but my plan is to make many more of these letters and hide them in random places.



     I want to grow a trend of helping people in a way that I might not be able to in person, sometimes if someone is standing there, people feel the need to put on a show and act like they appreciate acts more than they actually feel. It's a mask of sorts and that can completely ruin the actual meaning behind it all.

If someone randomly finds a letter that says, "You're worth it even though life sucks sometimes." hopefully they won't feel like they need to thank anyone or act like they're okay and they can truly receive the blessing.





     Getting back to the beginning, there's always going to be something that can stop me and they're always going to at least sound legitimate. I don't want to let them stop me from doing the only thing I know I can do, try to help people even in some small way.

     And since I am writing this as a reminder of updates when I can't remember things later in life, here's a life update:

     I'm planning a trip with my cousin and a friend next year, one I desperately need. It's been hard to start saving money but as my cousin says, in 6 months I won't care that today I couldn't get that soda I wanted or even missed a meal.

     I've been moving toward living as Layla full time, using that name at work openly and doing more things little by little. I recently stopped going to the church I've been going to for 18 years and have been looking for a new one. It sucks to not have those friends but I can't live a lie anymore because my 'friends' will be offended or not agree with my life decisions.

     I've been working toward writing a story and I hope to start the actual writing process very soon. It's been i my head for over 10 years and it's well developed but needs to be refined a little more.

     And lastly, I was joking with a friend, we decided as a joke to make our own board game...and then I decided to try to actually make it. It's really fun to come up with ideas and have a blank canvas to work with.

Final thought:
     I'm trying to make the best of what my life is at this point. I don't know how long I can keep pushing but I want to strike while the iron is hot and do the best I can.

Thanks for reading and remember...you're worth it. 

Stress, Stress, Stress

     Stress does NOT feel pretty. I know...OBVIOUS. I'm not trying to bring some deep thought to the forefront of the world. Stress has such a hold on me that I have no idea how to even try to solve that.

When I was younger, the time I was supposed to be learning how to deal with stress and grow mentally and learn what to do in tough situations was spent escaping  a terrible family life and mental abuse to say the least.

Instead of slowly taking on more responsibilities in my teen years, I was watching my close family members self destruct and trying to keep myself out of the line of fire at times. And I also watched my immediate relatives either cut me out of their lives or leave me hanging when I needed them most.

     The good that came from that is I learned a survival instinct that I have since needed and used. The bad thing is I missed out on a good amount of valuable growth in a variety of ways; one specific way affects me every single day and hit me particularly hard today (Saturday May 12th 2018).

Scenario: I was at work and it was busy. Now for most people that's not easy but dealable. For someone who hasn't had much experience learning how to deal with the stress of doing many things at once, it was unbearable. and I failed the day hard. I was on the register and can't even count how many times multiple things were going on at once and I messed up all the things.

From the start of my day, I wasn't ready for anything. My shift leader told me...at EIGHT AM, that the assistant manager wanted to talk to me. For anyone who doesn't have anxiety in their daily life, that is the equivalent of the phrase "We need to talk..." in a relationship.

It's seriously one of the hardest things to hear and go about my day after that. And to make that even worse is my shift lead told me that at 3pm, I needed  to talk to my assistant manager. That means between 8 am and 3pm, I needed to not look like my heart was going to explode from worry about what she wanted to talk to me about.

And to make things even WORSE, at 2:30 I found out my asst manager was gonna be late so I didn't even get to talk to her. I'm still trying to stay calm and I've been out of work for hours now. I have to wait till at least Monday to find out she wants to talk to me about...I may not make it till then. If I have a heart attack, y'all know why. (That's only MOSTLY sarcasm.)

     Okay now that I got that out of my system, I'm going to try to forget about all that for at least a day. On to some more personal thoughts and what's going on in my mind. Warning, this is going to get personal and possibly TMI for some.

Saxon Sharbino is half
 of my spirit animal

Blaire White is the
other half of my spirit animal

One of the most important things to my transition is passing. I know that's superficial or shallow or something but it's true. I want to feel and be pretty, I want to have breasts and a nicer body and be looked at as feminine without looking like a guy in a dress.

And right now, I'm in the not there yet stage which has me impatiently waiting for the hormones I'm taking to do something more than emotionally.

Shmutzies.com

     Other life events: So recently I got in touch with a few family members I haven't seen in a very long time and that was seriously amazing! Two aunts of mine visited me, we went to my favorite diner and then took a walk around a nearby trail park and caught up with each other. My aunt Caren, who makes awesome soap and other great stuff, has been an enormous supporter of my transition and my aunt Beth is such a cool person that I wish I got to know her better years ago. I had a blast with them and am looking forward to being able to say the word family and not having it be a negative thing. 

And a few people have inspired me to try to get a story idea I have had for a long time out of my head and onto paper, so to speak. I'm working on writing a story about a young girl who eavesdrops on some pretty interesting people. I'll share more of that in the future and I'm really excited to work on it. My cousin Ryan, my aunts and a few other close friends have helped inspire me. Thanks.

Last thing:
     Travel is in my future and I could not be more excited for that!! Next year will be a big year for me for a few reasons, I'll be a little bit closer to becoming Layla and will be much mor eopen about that, I'll be seeing some new things and places and working on the book. Get ready.

Friday May 11th Thoughts and Updates

     OK so it's taken me a few days to work through some of the emotional things I've been going through and I'm trying to calmly assess my current life.

     In some aspects, everything is changing and I've come to a crossroad that will shape how life goes from this moment on; meaning that I have the opportunity to decide things like am I going to continue going to church even though it's not the one I've considered mine for 18 years

(the answer is yes, I just have to find one that is willing to accept trans people), how am I going to go about making new friends, what I'm going to plan for my future...etc.

     I do have a few constants that I've been blessed to have still, some friends who have not only accepted my decision to  (in my opinion) better my life but have helped me to be a happier person and helped aim me toward good things.

I also have some things going for me that, this is where it sounds like I'm bragging but I promise I'm not exactly:

          -I'm smart in some kinda important ways. I know I've been a survivor most of my life and have
been smart enough to find a way to make it even through being homeless at times and in some really scary situations and I also consider myself an intellectual thinker...well I've been trying to make myself one anyway. I ask questions that cause thought and a "think outside the box" mentality. As a kid, I ran from any kind of thought or work and have since been working on building up a work ethic and a better brain.

          -I've got a small and growing group of friends who I cannot express just how much they mean to me. The friends who have stuck by me even in my transition have my full and unconditionally support. I'm working on creating a new bond with old and new friends while still respecting the people around me.

          -The few things I'm confident about I know I'm good at them. I know that I'm a good photographer, I don't need to prove that over and over or worry because I know it.  I know I'm at least decent at making friends and being a good supportive friend. And to add on to this, I've always made it important to see things from other's points of view; something I think more people should try to do.


     And another thing I'm thinking abouty and working on dealing with is the future. The future...it sounds like something so small or unimportant but to think about it means you expect it and it can be MONUMENTAL or scary or...anything.

So MY future plans, which I do expect to attempt, involve travel and learning a lot. I am planning a trip at this moment (not telling where or when because I don't want to jinx it) and I am working on expanding my mind in a bunch of ways.

     Ohhh! And I'm working on writing a lot right now and I'm considering looking for ways to share it with the world somehow. I'm very excited about creating a world that someone could relate to or enjoy or like. More news about this as I get closer to something to share.

One of the best parts about talking 'future' is that I'm planning it and hoping for it and wanting to see what's next. For a long time I didn't think I'd see 29 or 36 or anyhting worth seeing in the future. Progress of the mind.

     Because I'm terrible at finishing anything, I'm just going to stop here and ask for your prayers and thoughts and good vibes. Thanks.

Updates and Thoughts (May 5th 2018)

     So these last few weeks have been...interesting, let's say. It's Friday May 4th 2018 and since my mind has been on super mega hyper attention deficit lately, I'm going to share my thoughts in list form. These are in no order and may seem nonsensical or whatever so bear with me. And because this is going to be outside the norm, I'm going to share some of my artwork throughout this diary entry. Enjoy...

* Update:
     So I recently increased my dosage of estradiol and found out my testosterone level is at a genetic female's level, which is a good thing.  I may not need to taker any kind of testosterone blockers.

* I see so many people throughout my work day as a cashier/photo tech and I'm telling you it is SO EASY to change someone's day with the smallest gestures or words.

And that goes both ways; a small kind word can take someone from a bad day to seeing things get a little better and on the opposite side, ignoring someone or throwing an attitude at someone random can truly ruin their day.

I see it so much and rudeness physically drains me at times when my stress is higher or I'm already having a  rough day.

* I've recently began accepting that I'm going to lose a lot of close friends. It's not something that one day I can just say, "OK, welp that's over." and be done with it. These are friends I've had for a very long time who have invested a lot in me.

I'm working on understanding their choice to not associate with me because I've decided to transition and respecting that. The toughest thing isn't that I disagree with them (I do but that's not the hardest part), the most difficult thing is having inside jokes or going through something I would have talked to them about or wanting to tell them something and just not having that option.

It's been similar to a breakup in a way, I've been trying to keep busy and work through the pain of losing such close people to me in doses I can handle. Writing this actually was so hard that it took me days to complete sentences without having to stop.

I don't really have many tears these days, I've been through so much that it takes a lot to make me cry in life...although all it takes in the TV world is a character I like to die or move and I ball like a baby, go figure.

* I've got some new plans that I'm really truly excited about. I'm not going to share all of it just yet but I want to preserve the memory of this moment by sharing some things:

     -I am slowly turning my room into a studio with a projector and a dry erase board for different purposes. I set it up and watched How I Met Your Mother then One Piece to test it out...IT. WAS. AWESOME. And it's only gonna get cooler.

     -I'm working on a plan to write a small story/novel. I've had this mostly thought out idea in my head for years and I'm trying to put it on paper (so to speak) whether it's good or not is up to the words I choose but I at least am going to try to make it good.

     -I have some plans to film some things soon, something I haven't done in years and have been wanting to. My friend Nico and I are working on doing some shooting soon...EXCITING!

                ...that's all I'm willing to share with the world just yet. More will come over the next year.

* This one's not great and I wish I didn't have to type it but here it goes:

    Over the last two weeks, suicidal thoughts were very strong and very convincing. Clearly I'm not going to let that thought walk into my head and beat me but I cannot lie and say it's easy to just ignore thoughts like everyone would be better off if I was just never around ever again or that I keep hurting people around me.

     It is hard to deny that being trans has hurt a lot of my friends and those around me, I know the truth is I am not maliciously hurting them and I know that having a mental disorder or a gender identity disorder or having other physical disabilities isn't quite the same as 'hurting' someone but the cold hard truth is there are a group of people who are worse off because I am going through this and have decided to embrace my new life instead of trying to deny it or do something different.

     I'm trying...I promise.



* On a better note, I've been a little more able to handle a little more lately. It's a small step but it's a step in the right direction. I have trouble working days in a row, in fact a few months ago I could not work 3 days straight; I'd have trouble doing simple things like speaking clear sentences ort counting.

I've been working a little more before those kinds of malfunctions happen and I'v ebeen able to hold my temper better too, which is even more impressive because I'm now on an increased doseage of estrogen. Yay me.

     Well I could go on but I'll end this particular diary entry here. Thank you for reading. And as always...