Baby Steps, Baby Steps...

     If you pictured Bill Murray or Richard Dreyfuss because of the title, we can be friends.

OK so my last post detailed just how bad it can get when I get stuck in the depths of my mind and while none of that is solved or completed, I am trying to deal with those thoughts and move ahead in life. Right now the only thing I can o is take small steps toward being a tiny bit better than I was yesterday, that's how you get better from illness and that's how you become a better person.

     The funny thing is I'm learning that my transition is very much a slow and drawn out process, it's not a "I'll take a pill or a needle and tomorrow I'll be completely done and ready to go out into the world as a finished product." I'm learning that as I transition physically, I'm changing mentally and spiritually and emotionally probably a lot more than any physical difference that even will occur (and that's a lot since I'm going to eventually look very differently)

     A week ago, I was feeling ready to pack it in and give up on life, I felt dead alive. The Walking Dead has a deep theory that the zombies are not the walking dead, the people are.

I felt/feel like I'm walking dead at times and whether it's because I'm losing friends or because the stress of work is too great or because I don't have a life or because I let anxiety take my ambition away or...about a thousand other things, I don't even see myself as 'alive' most of the time.

     Well, I've been trying to take some baby steps lately. As of May 26th 2018, I started on anti depressants. My first day went decently and today (Sunday the 27th) was rather eventless so you could call it a not bad day.  I hung out with a very good friend for a while and that was great but aside from that, I basically sat around all day.

I got off topic there...

So baby steps:

     I started taking medicine, I have taught myself how to do things that anxiety has stopped me from (like using the phone for a long time), I've been trying to change my attitude and the way I think about certain things, I've been trying to do things for other people more and I've been trying to take attention away from negativity in my own head and focus more on positive things.

I wish I had some answers to these attempts or deeper thoughts but I either just started or just re started these so only time will tell how I deal with everything. I can say I have hope and despite the things that could push me over  the edge, I am focusing on the future and on helping others...I pray that God shows me what my path is and that I remember Him in my thoughts more and more.

Thanks for attention, please feel free to share your thoughts or experiences. 

A Weekend I'll Never Forget

     So this has been quite the weekend. Emotions were flying and things were absolutely great and really annoying at times and gut busting funny at other times and really sad at times. Where should I start?

     Okay I'll start at the beginning, since you said so.
Thursday was painfully slow but I made it through work and I felt such a relief exhale as I left work, knowing I had FIVE days off after that.  Friday morning came and my friends Nick, Mike and I  went to eat before going to Monster Mania. It was great to spend some time around friends I haven't seen in a while and things seemed to work out for us as we got closer to time to go get our wrist bands for everything.

I kinda made the plan for when we'd get there and because I'm ridiculously early to things, I got us there a while early and we had to kill some time. We did and finally the time came that the event opened up.

     SO before going there, I split up with my group and met up with another friend, Lauren. And this is where things went from exciting to mind blowing. My friend, who has been a humongous support system and she's one of the few people who I truly see as family (in a way that doesn't hurt me), gave me directions to the office she works in and I went there.

Once there, she helped me do my makeup for the first time ever. It was such an emotional experience I could barely contain it all. I got dressed up and discovered that I apparently really like the color fuscia in the process.

          Years ago I bought a pair of high heels, they happened to be fuscia. Then a while later, I found a dress online that I liked and bought it...fuscia. the bra I used was guess what color and the lipstick was the same. None of that was intentional, I just happened to find these things and get them while I was able. I have very little by way of feminine clothes and I've been so afraid to walk into a store and buy things like underwear and dresses so I mostly have been buying stuff online.

Aaaaanyway, Laur helped me get ready and showed me some tips on makeup and I had to hold back tears when I was done. I was so excited and she did such a great job and I was actually going to walk around as Layla. It was so full of emotions before even getting there. We left and went to the hotel (where Monster Mania takes place) and I walked through the front door in my high heels, wearing a pink dress and looking unrecognizable.

     It felt so amazing to walk around as Layla in public, although I learned pretty quickly that the heels I own are too small. But it was worth the pain , as I felt so comfortable being treated the way I feel inside. Spoiler: overall two guys checked me out and that was proof that Lauren's makeup job was perfect. By the way, I'm not gay so I didn't want to be hit on by guys so don't think that has changed; it was only a good thing because my makeup looked real and good...and real good.

     The best part of my entrance was awesome, so I went there with two friends, Mike and Nick. Nick was waiting to pay for food but Mike walked toward me. I was sitting down, charging my phone and I looked right at him as he walked closer. He walked past me, like one foot foot away from me and didn't say anything. I thought he saw me and was ignoring me as a joke or something. I waited a minute or two and stood up, put my heels back on and walked toward where he was. I got close enough to almost be face to face and said, "Hey Mike."

He was in shock and then he said, "Is that you?!" His face was first in awe of realizing who I was and then just laughing. One of my good Friends, who came with me to go there and who knows me very well, didn't realize it was me EVEN when I was right in front of him. IT.WAS.AWESOME.

And after the shock and hilarity wore off, he told me he was proud of me and he supports me; that meant a lot to me.

     I passed by a good amount of friends who I know that didn't recognize me even though I was very close and again that was great proof that my makeup was well done. I loved that. After a while there was a VIP party and it was the most disappointing one I've ever been to. The only good thing was getting to hang out with all 3 of my groups at once for a little bit.

     We left early and I got to say hi to the IT kids (Chosen Jacob, Jaeden Lieberher, Wyatt Oleff, Sophia Lillis and Jeremy Ray Taylor) as they went in, we went back to the hotel and I got cleaned up and we had a blast hanging out; staying up till like 5am. 

Saturday: I don't want to get into the negative stuff because I have a very high respect level for Dave Hagan and the rest of the Monster Mania crew so I'm gonna leave it at this one day, things were not all great.  The one great part was getting to meet an actor who played a large role in my favorite movie of all time.

I got inside and went immediately to the table where Richard Refuse was supposed to be signing autographs and taking pictures with fans, he was on a lunch break and I happily waited there. He got back and was talking about some things that happened on the set of Jaws. JAWS! The very first movie I ever watched...EVER.
He offered me a coke, which I took humbly and then he looked at a staff member behind him and asked if there was a 7/11 nearby. He then told everyone in line that he's buying if anyone wanted anything from 7/11. I was blown away, making sure to keep the coke can he personally gave me.

     So I stepped up when he was ready and I got a laser disc of Jaws signed and then took a picture with him. It was awesome and he was very nice. Just as he was about to go to the next person, I got to tell him Jaws was the first movie I ever watched and it's been my favorite ever since. I thanked him and shook his hand. It was really great to get that chance.

     After all is said and done, I had a decent time and absolutely loved walking around feeling comfortable and less pressure then anywhere else. It was a weekend I'll never forget. It was Layla's first public appearance ever. I gotta send a special thanks to My friends, Lauren, Nick, Mike, my cousin Ryan, my cousin Sean and his fiancee Josie and everyone else who I met or interacted with this weekend. I am so happy I got this chance and can hardly wait to do something like that again soon. <3

Something I'm Thinking About

     So I'm a few days away from going to a horror convention called Monster Mania, there are going to be some great actors there (Richard Dreyfus, Tim Curry, Sean Astin to name a few) and I'm going with a bunch of friends and I AM EXCITED! Everything's paid for and taken care of, I don't think I'll have any problems from the human I used to date and I'm even dressing up for at least one day (as Layla). It's going to be great.


All of this is making me think about something very good. The future.

I don't mean, "My future is prepared and I know everything's going to be great." I mean the fact that I think about the future in a way I didn't much before. And anyone who knows about a suicidal person knows they don't actually think about the future, not realistically or happily at least.

For a little while now, the future has been something less hazy and fake to me and more real and dealable (...you know I make up words, deal with it). That's a huge step for me.

     So much of my life, I imagined what people would do when I die or I'd picture how the world would be after me or without me. I never pictured me in a future of  earth and I'm not saying I'm completely better now but I am saying I picture myself in my own imaginations of the future.

It's not the future I thought I'd ever be a able to be part of or that most people agree with but it's something. The gravity of this thought is beyond huge for me, the magnitude may just explode my brain at some point...which would ruin the future I want...I may have to avoid head explosion.

     Well on the subject of the future, I've been asked some personal questions about my transition and I've always said something close to, "I want to do what's safe and possible." Take a guess what the questions involve. Now, I invite personal questions; I'm not very shy about pretty much anything in my life. But the point here is people asking has me thinking about my future in that regard.

     There are two parts to my answer to this question (if I want to have full reassignment surgery, for those of you who didn't figure it out)

1. I want to do what is in my capabilities both financially and emotionally. I do want to become the best and most complete woman I am able to (you don't have to say it, I know I can never be an actual woman. That's why I said the best I CAN be)  My future plans are to do the most I can to present and identify as a female, that does also include genitalia.

I have made a choice not to participate in relationships ever because of things like my values so sexuality has absolutely nothing to do with my decision to go through my transition but I'm not sad to say goodbye to sex as a male, it's never been anything more than a good feeling. That doesn't change the fact that I'm strictly only attracted to women though.

2. While I want to be safe and I want to give the diplomatic answer of "I'm gonna do what's safe and what's best..." blah blah blah but here's the biased and opinionated answer: I want to be as feminine as I can possibly be. I want to experience female orgasms and use the bathroom the way I would if I was born with female plumbing and I want to be able to sit in a ladylike fashion. These are all things I think about beyond the safety and diplomacy that I know I need to think about.

   

          The main thing about these things is that I am looking at the future with hope and a feeling of possibilities, something I hated even considering for so long. I hope if anyone can relate to this reads my words and takes away the fact that if I can be hopeful about the future, anyone can.

PS: I'm posting this with photos of snow because we were absolutely obliterated by a snow storm today and I took a few pictures from my room. The blizzard of March 2018...enjoy

Breaking Down Negativity and Two Questions

     So my entire goal for writing this is to explore and examine my inner demons, to learn what triggers negativity  and to better understand how I can make myself a better person.

     The first step in attaining a higher comprehension of my inner demons is identifying what exactly is going on that causes concerns in me. The biggest one, of course, has been suicidal thoughts and hatred of myself from a a very young age.

Another was my lack of ambition and lack of a drive to do really anything in life; not that I never tried to succeed but I definitely always felt like there has been a weight on my metaphorical back when it comes to pushing myself to do a lot of things.

     Since I was very young, my inner demons have been meticulously picking at my confidence, my
ambition and planting seeds of death regularly. Specifically those areas have been attacked more than anything else, I always hear people talk about peer pressure but that was minimal and when that did happen it rarely changed my mind. But when it came to me being confident at age 7 or 9 or 14, it was very clear that there's a huge problem. That's just one example, those areas were similarly butchered in just about every way.

     The second step in this is understanding triggers and learning why they're triggering me.
So I knew for a long time that the word family hurts, hearing about good families tends to have negative affects on my mood and psyche. With this, I've been trying to aim my negative energy at helping those families when I can instead of just feeling the rage.

I know all of that is jealousy, something that is never  helpful for a person who suffers from depression or suicidal issues. I have other triggers that I'm still learning to this day and I'm still trying to understand where each one comes from and why it affects me the way it does.

     The third step is actually doing something, the hard step. Its putting the knowledge I gained into play. Example: I bite my nails, then I figure out when I do it and what makes me do it. THEN I have to figure out ways to stop or slow down that and do it; holding things or asking friends to tell you when they see you doing it or some other way that works.

Anyway, this is clearly the step that takes mental energy to do whatever is needed and it's usually the step that stops me with some of the petty stuff and it's also the step that I've encountered most in my life for things that are deeper or bigger, like growing as a person and stopping doing things like saying certain words or thinking a certain way. But I digress...

     Currently, I'm in every step with different things and that takes a ton of energy out of me regularly. I've identified a few really giant big things that triggered or aided my suicidal thoughts for a long time and I'm working on step 3 and going through the act of doing a lot of stuff (anyone who has read my blog knows at least the more noteworthy things)

I'm also still trying to identify some things that affect my mood and things that scare me or push my anxiety buttons, stuff like that in hopes of finding ways to either avoid or fix those things.

There is a step 4. Oh yes, there is.

Step 4 is looking at life without the negativity accrued in life and making goals and plans that the hindrances would have stopped. It's another kinda hard step but that one is fun; it's when effects start actually manifest themselves into the physical world.

Example: I used to bite my nails, in fact ever since I was about 2 I couldn't go more than an hour without biting them. About a year ago I started painting them and the minute I did that, something clicked and I have not bitten them regularly even once. So now, on step 4, I actually have longer nails. Now I still have a few moments where my nail will break and I don't have clippers to fix that so I'll bite them just enough to fix the break but I don't bite my nails without realizing it at all anymore and I don't feel the burning need to bite therm anymore. It's a great feeling to have nails and I absolutely love painting them so it's a two-fold positive.

     Because I'm not trying to make this one post into a book, I'm gonna give a little update about my life and end it for the day. Ok? Ok.

I've been on hormones for almost a month now; I feel some small differences emotionally for the better. I feel oddly more calm in some ways, which has made it a little tiny bit easier to handle some of the stresses I deal with daily. Not that I'm handling them a lot better but this is an important start to being able to handle anxiety and take on more responsibilities  I'm also starting to see some small effects on my body that are so close to being noticeable by others. I was at the gym recently and felt a very new movement by a certain area on me; that was the first change I've felt in any way and it helps  to know the HRT is actually working. I've had dreams lately that I find out the pills I've been taking were fake and I had to live as my old self, which is unbearable a tthis point. I've come too far.

The ONE time I disagree with Ferris Beuller

     I'm getting used to being called by my new name by those willing to use it and I love it! I asked my boss to use that and she has been, which led to other coworkers being fully supportive and happy to call me Layla. I adore it every time I see my list of things to do for work and see Layla at the top, it's so sweet of them to be so helpful in that way.

Another thing is Monster Mania! I am so excited to go this year, I'm gonna meet Richard Dreyfuss!

I'm going to meet the only living main actor from my alltime favorite movie, the first movie I ever watched.

I'm also excited for MM because I'm going to dress and cosplay as Layla in public. I'm scared but I want to do my makeup, go and have fun, meet new people and not worry about having to pretend to be "a guy". It's gonna be so much fun to be in a group of people who aren't going to judge me for what I dress like and just all have fun. (March 9-12)

     So I have two questions I want opinions about:
1. What should I ask Richard Dreyfuss? I'm not good at spur of the moment thinking so I'm trying to think of at least one question so I don't sound stupid. (Last time I went without thinking about what to say beforehand, I ended up saying, "Uhh...I'm a big fan." and really not much else to Emily Kinney. Not happening again like that.)

2. Would you buy/wear clothes with my logo on them? The proceeds would go to my transition and honestly, I want to raise awareness for myself and others who are fogotten and left out in this world. Please give me opinions and thoughts on this.

Thank you for reading, your virtual support means a lot more to me than I could explain.