A Weekend I'll Never Forget

     So this has been quite the weekend. Emotions were flying and things were absolutely great and really annoying at times and gut busting funny at other times and really sad at times. Where should I start?

     Okay I'll start at the beginning, since you said so.
Thursday was painfully slow but I made it through work and I felt such a relief exhale as I left work, knowing I had FIVE days off after that.  Friday morning came and my friends Nick, Mike and I  went to eat before going to Monster Mania. It was great to spend some time around friends I haven't seen in a while and things seemed to work out for us as we got closer to time to go get our wrist bands for everything.

I kinda made the plan for when we'd get there and because I'm ridiculously early to things, I got us there a while early and we had to kill some time. We did and finally the time came that the event opened up.

     SO before going there, I split up with my group and met up with another friend, Lauren. And this is where things went from exciting to mind blowing. My friend, who has been a humongous support system and she's one of the few people who I truly see as family (in a way that doesn't hurt me), gave me directions to the office she works in and I went there.

Once there, she helped me do my makeup for the first time ever. It was such an emotional experience I could barely contain it all. I got dressed up and discovered that I apparently really like the color fuscia in the process.

          Years ago I bought a pair of high heels, they happened to be fuscia. Then a while later, I found a dress online that I liked and bought it...fuscia. the bra I used was guess what color and the lipstick was the same. None of that was intentional, I just happened to find these things and get them while I was able. I have very little by way of feminine clothes and I've been so afraid to walk into a store and buy things like underwear and dresses so I mostly have been buying stuff online.

Aaaaanyway, Laur helped me get ready and showed me some tips on makeup and I had to hold back tears when I was done. I was so excited and she did such a great job and I was actually going to walk around as Layla. It was so full of emotions before even getting there. We left and went to the hotel (where Monster Mania takes place) and I walked through the front door in my high heels, wearing a pink dress and looking unrecognizable.

     It felt so amazing to walk around as Layla in public, although I learned pretty quickly that the heels I own are too small. But it was worth the pain , as I felt so comfortable being treated the way I feel inside. Spoiler: overall two guys checked me out and that was proof that Lauren's makeup job was perfect. By the way, I'm not gay so I didn't want to be hit on by guys so don't think that has changed; it was only a good thing because my makeup looked real and good...and real good.

     The best part of my entrance was awesome, so I went there with two friends, Mike and Nick. Nick was waiting to pay for food but Mike walked toward me. I was sitting down, charging my phone and I looked right at him as he walked closer. He walked past me, like one foot foot away from me and didn't say anything. I thought he saw me and was ignoring me as a joke or something. I waited a minute or two and stood up, put my heels back on and walked toward where he was. I got close enough to almost be face to face and said, "Hey Mike."

He was in shock and then he said, "Is that you?!" His face was first in awe of realizing who I was and then just laughing. One of my good Friends, who came with me to go there and who knows me very well, didn't realize it was me EVEN when I was right in front of him. IT.WAS.AWESOME.

And after the shock and hilarity wore off, he told me he was proud of me and he supports me; that meant a lot to me.

     I passed by a good amount of friends who I know that didn't recognize me even though I was very close and again that was great proof that my makeup was well done. I loved that. After a while there was a VIP party and it was the most disappointing one I've ever been to. The only good thing was getting to hang out with all 3 of my groups at once for a little bit.

     We left early and I got to say hi to the IT kids (Chosen Jacob, Jaeden Lieberher, Wyatt Oleff, Sophia Lillis and Jeremy Ray Taylor) as they went in, we went back to the hotel and I got cleaned up and we had a blast hanging out; staying up till like 5am. 

Saturday: I don't want to get into the negative stuff because I have a very high respect level for Dave Hagan and the rest of the Monster Mania crew so I'm gonna leave it at this one day, things were not all great.  The one great part was getting to meet an actor who played a large role in my favorite movie of all time.

I got inside and went immediately to the table where Richard Refuse was supposed to be signing autographs and taking pictures with fans, he was on a lunch break and I happily waited there. He got back and was talking about some things that happened on the set of Jaws. JAWS! The very first movie I ever watched...EVER.
He offered me a coke, which I took humbly and then he looked at a staff member behind him and asked if there was a 7/11 nearby. He then told everyone in line that he's buying if anyone wanted anything from 7/11. I was blown away, making sure to keep the coke can he personally gave me.

     So I stepped up when he was ready and I got a laser disc of Jaws signed and then took a picture with him. It was awesome and he was very nice. Just as he was about to go to the next person, I got to tell him Jaws was the first movie I ever watched and it's been my favorite ever since. I thanked him and shook his hand. It was really great to get that chance.

     After all is said and done, I had a decent time and absolutely loved walking around feeling comfortable and less pressure then anywhere else. It was a weekend I'll never forget. It was Layla's first public appearance ever. I gotta send a special thanks to My friends, Lauren, Nick, Mike, my cousin Ryan, my cousin Sean and his fiancee Josie and everyone else who I met or interacted with this weekend. I am so happy I got this chance and can hardly wait to do something like that again soon. <3

Breaking Down Negativity and Two Questions

     So my entire goal for writing this is to explore and examine my inner demons, to learn what triggers negativity  and to better understand how I can make myself a better person.

     The first step in attaining a higher comprehension of my inner demons is identifying what exactly is going on that causes concerns in me. The biggest one, of course, has been suicidal thoughts and hatred of myself from a a very young age.

Another was my lack of ambition and lack of a drive to do really anything in life; not that I never tried to succeed but I definitely always felt like there has been a weight on my metaphorical back when it comes to pushing myself to do a lot of things.

     Since I was very young, my inner demons have been meticulously picking at my confidence, my
ambition and planting seeds of death regularly. Specifically those areas have been attacked more than anything else, I always hear people talk about peer pressure but that was minimal and when that did happen it rarely changed my mind. But when it came to me being confident at age 7 or 9 or 14, it was very clear that there's a huge problem. That's just one example, those areas were similarly butchered in just about every way.

     The second step in this is understanding triggers and learning why they're triggering me.
So I knew for a long time that the word family hurts, hearing about good families tends to have negative affects on my mood and psyche. With this, I've been trying to aim my negative energy at helping those families when I can instead of just feeling the rage.

I know all of that is jealousy, something that is never  helpful for a person who suffers from depression or suicidal issues. I have other triggers that I'm still learning to this day and I'm still trying to understand where each one comes from and why it affects me the way it does.

     The third step is actually doing something, the hard step. Its putting the knowledge I gained into play. Example: I bite my nails, then I figure out when I do it and what makes me do it. THEN I have to figure out ways to stop or slow down that and do it; holding things or asking friends to tell you when they see you doing it or some other way that works.

Anyway, this is clearly the step that takes mental energy to do whatever is needed and it's usually the step that stops me with some of the petty stuff and it's also the step that I've encountered most in my life for things that are deeper or bigger, like growing as a person and stopping doing things like saying certain words or thinking a certain way. But I digress...

     Currently, I'm in every step with different things and that takes a ton of energy out of me regularly. I've identified a few really giant big things that triggered or aided my suicidal thoughts for a long time and I'm working on step 3 and going through the act of doing a lot of stuff (anyone who has read my blog knows at least the more noteworthy things)

I'm also still trying to identify some things that affect my mood and things that scare me or push my anxiety buttons, stuff like that in hopes of finding ways to either avoid or fix those things.

There is a step 4. Oh yes, there is.

Step 4 is looking at life without the negativity accrued in life and making goals and plans that the hindrances would have stopped. It's another kinda hard step but that one is fun; it's when effects start actually manifest themselves into the physical world.

Example: I used to bite my nails, in fact ever since I was about 2 I couldn't go more than an hour without biting them. About a year ago I started painting them and the minute I did that, something clicked and I have not bitten them regularly even once. So now, on step 4, I actually have longer nails. Now I still have a few moments where my nail will break and I don't have clippers to fix that so I'll bite them just enough to fix the break but I don't bite my nails without realizing it at all anymore and I don't feel the burning need to bite therm anymore. It's a great feeling to have nails and I absolutely love painting them so it's a two-fold positive.

     Because I'm not trying to make this one post into a book, I'm gonna give a little update about my life and end it for the day. Ok? Ok.

I've been on hormones for almost a month now; I feel some small differences emotionally for the better. I feel oddly more calm in some ways, which has made it a little tiny bit easier to handle some of the stresses I deal with daily. Not that I'm handling them a lot better but this is an important start to being able to handle anxiety and take on more responsibilities  I'm also starting to see some small effects on my body that are so close to being noticeable by others. I was at the gym recently and felt a very new movement by a certain area on me; that was the first change I've felt in any way and it helps  to know the HRT is actually working. I've had dreams lately that I find out the pills I've been taking were fake and I had to live as my old self, which is unbearable a tthis point. I've come too far.

The ONE time I disagree with Ferris Beuller

     I'm getting used to being called by my new name by those willing to use it and I love it! I asked my boss to use that and she has been, which led to other coworkers being fully supportive and happy to call me Layla. I adore it every time I see my list of things to do for work and see Layla at the top, it's so sweet of them to be so helpful in that way.

Another thing is Monster Mania! I am so excited to go this year, I'm gonna meet Richard Dreyfuss!

I'm going to meet the only living main actor from my alltime favorite movie, the first movie I ever watched.

I'm also excited for MM because I'm going to dress and cosplay as Layla in public. I'm scared but I want to do my makeup, go and have fun, meet new people and not worry about having to pretend to be "a guy". It's gonna be so much fun to be in a group of people who aren't going to judge me for what I dress like and just all have fun. (March 9-12)

     So I have two questions I want opinions about:
1. What should I ask Richard Dreyfuss? I'm not good at spur of the moment thinking so I'm trying to think of at least one question so I don't sound stupid. (Last time I went without thinking about what to say beforehand, I ended up saying, "Uhh...I'm a big fan." and really not much else to Emily Kinney. Not happening again like that.)

2. Would you buy/wear clothes with my logo on them? The proceeds would go to my transition and honestly, I want to raise awareness for myself and others who are fogotten and left out in this world. Please give me opinions and thoughts on this.

Thank you for reading, your virtual support means a lot more to me than I could explain.

Relating One Thing to Another

     I have always seen my life or my current situation as a metaphor. Usually, I used sports to describe life When I was very young, I saw my life as a mountain. I pictured this mountain as a thrill every second, constantly learning new things and seeing new sights. It was exhilarating even running into trouble because it only meant that when things worked out it would be that much more happy.

Every step and every rock was like new friends and all the possibilities that were ahead of me. I imagines being the hero of my story and it felt like I was destined to win the world over.

...life didn't take long in dismantling that imagination.

     A few years later, I saw my life as a boxing match. This one lasted for a long time and I felt like it was meant to be like that to make me stronger. It hurt that my family was so broken, it was like a very hard hit that nearly knocked me down. But in my mind, I was so strong, I kept positive even though my biological father never wanted me and even though I rarely got things I really wanted.
It was as if I was training for life's hardest hits, so that I could not only take the bad blows but I could succeed. Every setback only made it seem sweeter because I knew I'd overcome anything.

I  was determined, as a 4th or 5th grader to fight back with as much vigor as my movie hero, Rocky Balboa. I hoped my life would mirror those movies and in the end, I always expected to come out on top no matter what.

Then one day, my mom told me she was moving with her boyfriend and I had to choose to go with them or go live with the guy who had donated sperm, biological father. And that moment, while we were in her little red truck, I felt like I truly lost the match. I refused to go with either and lost control even though I kinda had some control. I lost the boxing match and that was over for good.

     Then I felt like I was in a hockey game, this was my favorite analogy although it was my shortest lived of all of them. I still had some hope for a championship in life, I thought that was how life worked. You fight and have passion for things, you try and refuse to give up, you do what you can to move forward and you win in the end.


That's life right? That's what I truly thought as a kid and teenager, boy was I wrong. In hockey, I knew what to do and how to keep up with even the coolest of people. Awkwardness only occurred when the game was over and I tried to relate all of my hockey knowledge to real life. Things like: In hockey, a stay-at-home defenseman let's the offensive opponent make a first move and reacts based on that. Controlling things when you're not in control. I tried to equate that into real life, so if I had an assignment I would "play defense" by starting it early and trying to finish it as quick as possible.

In hockey, you have to know 8 or 9 steps ahead and in real life I tried to think at least a few steps ahead. I became observant and pretty much used this for only very selfish reasons but I still tried to use the "think ahead" logic in real life. I always thought this way about things, "If I do this and this happens because of my decision then that will happen and I'll have to do another thing..."

     Later, I started seeing life as a hike in a heavily windy desert. I felt like I was lost and any and every direction I walked, there was the same amount of wind. Like if I turn left and started trying to push through the wind, it would get stronger till I just couldn't go any further. So I'd make a right turn and try to get out of that wind, for a few seconds I would get away from it. But not long later, it would change directions and again blow in my face. Harder and harder, whipping my cheeks and  causing sand to go into my eyes till I just couldn't take any more.

Then I'd go in the opposite direction, trying to go with the flow of wind...can you guess what happened then? Yeah...same harsh winds in my face till I just was not able to go on.

     The common theme in all of these is I usually feel like I have to fight so hard to do anything that even if I get what I want, it doesn't matter. For example: if I'm trying to go to a museum of some sort, I'll try and not be able to get a ticket. Then I'll get a ticket and at the door I'll find out it doesn't apply on the exact day I go...so I try another day. I buy another ticket and find out the appropriate days and get in, cool right? I'd find out that The ticket I bought is only good for the lobby and that I have to wear a shirt and tie, so I can't even do the lobby because I didn't wear a suit and tie. THEN I'd come back with a suit and tie, buy the better ticket and I'd read all the fine print...only to find out that the exhibit that I wanted to see so badly, the one that I had been wanting to see for a long long time ended the day before I even bought the first ticket. After that, it doesn't even matter if I get in...I don't care at all about anything.

     A real life example of a situation is the Jaws ride. I went to Florida, one of the very few trips I took as a kid...and now that I think of it, the ONLY trip I took as a kid. I went with my mom and her at the time boyfriend (who I was not okay with, to say the least)

So we go there and go to Disney, cool right? I had an okay time, I'm not complaining about getting the chance to go or anything.

I appreciate that I could go but I wanted to do one thing in the entire state of Florida that would have made that trip the BEST EVER. And I found out we were going to Universal Studios on a certain day of our trip and I was so so excited.

I went through Disney kinda like a kid goes through meat so he or she can get to dessert. All I wanted was to go on the famous ride that coincided with my all time favorite movie. We got to Universal Studios and checked out some stuff, which were cool...but I had eyes for ONE thing. We watched a live taping of (get ready to make me feel old in 3. 2. 1...) All That, the Nickelodeon sketch comedy show. I remember smiling and saying I was enjoying my time, which I was, but in my mind I was screaming, "JAWS RIDE JAWS RIDE JAWS RIDE!"

So we finally get to the golden prize of the trip for me, the thing that had been my quest. I saw the line and was so excited, I wanted to cry or scream or hug everyone in the line. I could barely contain myself. So we stood in line, me wearing a Jaws t shirt and yes I even had a Jaws Fanny pack with a Jaws key chain attached to it. I was Jaws' number one fan and just standing in that line, knowing I was going to go on the world famous Jaws ride was blowing my little tiny 12 year old mind.

A half an hour in line and I was thrilled. An hour and a half and they put the movie on, I watched it with excitement. I loved (and still love) that movie so it was very cool to watch it while in line for the ride.2 hours go by and I watched almost the full movie and I watched the line slowly go down, I was closer to the promised land. The movie ends and restarts and I saw the door that led to the ride, I felt like I was in a dream as I got closer and closer to the entrance.

About half way through the movie for the second time, I was in the group to go on the next boat. I could have thrown up or wet myself at that point, I was so nervous. I had been wanting nothing more than going on THAT ride since the day I heard it existed. I thought it would never happen but I WAS NEXT IN LINE! My heart pounded and I saw Hooper get into the cage on the small tv they had and I thought about how great it would be to experience this ride.

There would be no greater moment in my 12 year old life as I watched the door open. A man stepped out and...

     "Okay folks, I'm sorry to say the ride is officially down 

for the day. We're sorry for the inconvenience. 

Enjoy the rest of the park and have a wonderful day."

My.heart.broke. There were no words for how sad I was. I became Sweeney Todd in that scene where he looked openly depressed while sitting on the beach and doing other bright fun looking stuff.
We went to other exhibits and went on rides and I doubt I uncrossed my arms even once.Looking back, it must have been really insulting to my mom and I didn't want to be but I was so so angry and sad and absolutely heart broken. That was our only day at Universal Studios so even if they fixed it the next day I would never get to experience the one reason I even wanted to enter the state of Florida.

Literally the only thing I thought about when I was told we were going there was that one ride.If it had rained and was terrible on the day we went to Disney and I had to get a root canal the day after Universal, going on that ride once would have made that the best trip ever.

But no. The ride shut down many years and I never had the chance to go on it ever.

     So I won in a sense, I got to go to Disney and see a ton of things that anyone else wold have loved. And I did have a little bit of fun before that...but...I lost on the ONE thing I didn't just want to see, I was dying to see. So I lost even though I won.