I'm Losing the Battle

     Hopeless. No better word to describe me.Everything I touch turns to shit, I thoroughly ruin every good opportunity I get and when I don't someone makes sure that those times are ruined fully and completely.

I have nowhere to live, I have no one to talk to, the one thing that made me feel like I might have actually been born for a reason was ripped from me so harshly I don't know if I can recover from it to this day.I'm reminded every minute of every day that I had everything I wanted and tweice destroyed that. 

   I've been fighting so hard lately, I even got some serious help...and it's still not enough. I'm afraid, afraid I'm going to keep failing and I already know I bring bad luck and negativity to anyone who even tries to get close to me so I can never have anyone close to me ever again, so it's just me from now on. Just me.

   So now I sit here by myself and ask out loud, "Why keep going? Why am I still here? Am I wrong for still being here?How do I keep going on? What do I even do? Where do you go when there is no home, no solace...nothing and no one to fight for?" and I get no answers, no understanding. 

   I feel so empty inside, like I envy a time when I was only dead inside. I don't have a lot more words, or hope or reason to keep on trying. And I only see my future as learning how to live my worst nightmare out of being as alone as this world wants me to. 

   The light seems so dim, like impossible to bring back kind of dim. Sorry I don't have it in me to fake positivity.I don't have a lot left in the tank, 

August 3, 2024

 

3 weeks ago, I had only a few cares and no serious worries when it came to my everyday life. And now I have no job, I have to find a place to live (I'm staying at a friend's house for now) I lost a lot of friends over the last 6 months and I can't do anything to even try to make it up to any of them and I pretty much don't trust anything at all at this point.

So the short version is: I was told I need to find a new place to live recently and though I tried to stay in the area, I wasn't able to. It came down to two choices, I was either going to go to Nashville TN or New Jersey and I ended up flight to NJ. In the process of all this, I lost a person I thought was going to be a friend for a long time; which really hurts especially since they believe I was trying to use or take advantage of them. I wouldn't ever intentionally try to hurt anyone who I get that close to.

So I found a moving company (not one I'd recommend, my stuff still hasn't gotten here from Wisconsin and it's been 8 days) a relative was such a blessing by making the move happen. Then I had to make my way and there was a whole thing; I had to take a bus, three trains, had 3 looooong layovers (is that what it's called when you wait at the train station for hours for your train) and finally got to New Jersey. 

Since then I've been applying to jobs, not sure where exactly to apply yet bc I don't know where I'm gonna live. And between some personal stuff, depression and all my lovely inadequacies I've been trying my hardest to not give up. So far it feels like even when I try my hardest to do anything good, even good people want me very far out of their lives. I don't know fully even what I did to two specific people who I'll never get to talk to ever again, both meant the world to me at one point and I hate...HATE when people don't like me. It eats at me when people who don't deserve my time or energy have problems with me, this might kill me.

So now I'm sitting here, with no foundation, no future, no hope is things getting much better and not much for me to fall back on as is to say to myself "at least I have _____." The only things not completely gone are a few really great friends and my TikTok account (although lately it's been very very invisible. 

I'm trying, I really am. I'm just failing in just about every single way and I'm absolutely broken about leaving a place I really liked and it was in the direction I want to be (my goal is to make my way to Minnesota) but now I'm far from where I want to be and fare from anything that feels stable and I feel like I lose something every day. 

July 13, 2024

 

     I'm in ghost mode in life and I don't know if there's another way. I'm hiding from those who wanted to destroy my reputation (and fully succeeded), I'm hiding from those who don't like me and never want to see me again (they won't) and I'm hiding every time I realize that the good people in my life are getting tired of me or starting to see that their life is better with me not in it (especially good people).

     I always make the joke that I want to move to a desert island which I use when I'm annoyed or interrupted by humans somehow, but what people close to me don't know is I want to be stuck on a desert island to protect them from me. I want to protect them from my soul, from my curse and from the darkness that follows me and everyone in my life. Although I use to think it was some kind of undeserved random curse put on me that I didn't earn and now I just have to live with; in absolutely unintentional ways, I earned it and deserve it and every single morning my first thought is realizing just now much I messed up without even trying.

     I honestly don't know what to do with my life, I hate myself and want to avoid everyone for their own sake but I desperately need and want some kind of companionship and hope there's someone that someone someday is willing to know I'm a mess but still be here with me. I know I'm at times annoying and at times toxic and at times I'm so obviously broken, I 'm truly trying to figure out how to be better but mos tof the time I don't think I'll be able to recover. I've been in therapy for a while now and really trying to buy into it. But it's not working. I'm trying my hardest at work but I'm failing. I'm really trying to not be clingy to the few who I consider a friend but I'm disgustingly failing at that too.

In fact the only thing I'm not completely terrible at is is going away. Once someone leaves my life, I absolutely never ever allow myself to put myself in their life in any way...I'm a ghost.If all I'm here for is to make sure no one has to deal with me and avoid even good people and the only way I can 'add' anything to this world is to keep me out of it, why am I even here?! Why does god force everyone to have to share the air and earth with such...trash as me?? I don't want to hurt anyone, I hate HATE that there are people, great people, who can't stand that I was ever a part of their world or think I would ever try to hurt them. I hate knowing people don't like me, even people who aren't good.

My existence is nothing, my life is nothing, my soul is nothing. Every time the thought about making anything right with anyone comes into my mind I reply to that with the fact that: my inexistence is my only available apology. 

My Only Response

 

     So I feel that a few things need to be said, since my reputation has been destroyed in the last few months. I don't expect anyone to read this but in the event that anyone wants to hear my side of things, here it is with the utmost respect for everyone. 

     First, I have never and will never use anyone to gain anything for myself. I think that is dispicable and should be punishable with the height of the law. And families dealing with any medical or delicate trouble should be fully protected and helped, they should never have to deal with anyone using them to gain anything at all in any way. I stand by that and whether I'm able to speak out on these topics or not, I will never allow anyone to do this and the standard I hold for myself is much higher than even this.

I had my voice taken away (partly because of myself and my wrong actions and partly because there were rumors going around and very few even gave me the chance to explain anything, let alone believe me) I never want to be seen as innocent when I'm not. One thing I always try my best to live by is I want the most honest in any given situation, even when it's not easy to hear. My motto is: A harsh truth is better than a sweet lie, and I won't accept what I don't deserve for good or bad.

     That being said, some of the rumors I heard had to do with me pretending to be a part of organizations I was never a part of. I never said that and I would never want recognition for being part of anything I'm not actually a part of.  This is the only place I'll make any statements about this and this is it: I have never been a legal part of any organizations, I wanted to help with a few and it was an honor to do anything that helped them achieve their goals. I never lied to any of the individuals involved at any point and I never want or wanted anything I did or said to negatively affect them. 

     For the mistakes I made, I am paying everyday for them. I lost friendships and the ability to advocate the way I thought I would for the rest of my life, my actions caused people I loved dearly to need me out of their lives and I deserve to feel that every minute of every day...and I do. I deserve no sympathy for this, nor will I accept even one ounce of it. I'm working on removing myself and my presence on most social media to make sure everyone involved has no fear of me interfering or bothering them in any way. As of this moment I'm only on Tiktok, Youtube and Facebook (I'm working on deleting my facebook, there's years worth so it's taking some time)

     I'm not trying to bring the attention anyone who removed me from their world, they don't deserve to hear from me or about me. I won't ever try to put myself in their space, I only wish they knew I'm sorry for what I've done. For my emotional immaturity, my neediness and expecting too much from people who had too much on their plate already. I was petty at times and brought negativity to those who needed and deserved positivity the most. 

     So to end this, I will forever do whatever I can to help cancer fighters and I will do whatever it takes to never negatively affect anyone the way I have in the past, even if that means not allowing myself to be close to anyone again. I will never say names or talk about anything without full permission of everyone involved ever again. 

Desert Island

 

     I've been on this island for a while now; trying to get off of it, trying to understand how I got here, trying to figure out what I can do from a land inhabited by no one. Can I harvest food? Can I find some way to bring some joy to a seeming wasteland of memories and regret and rage? Do I even want to leave? 

     Oh, to taste the things I tasted before. I remember how sweet it felt to do things that brought me comfort, how good it was to have the luxuries of favorite things...and a direction, a passion, and even little things like a can of soda. Back when I was on ground everything was so...I took so much for granted and I didn't/still don't fully realize what it means to go from solid main land to this island. The solitary isolation at times figuratively chokes me until I literally can't breathe and at other times it's starting to become the only thing I know and trust. God herself knows I can't trust anything else.

     I'm trying my hardest to keep my head above water, to keep from letting the insanity of my reality overtake me but this island does funny things to your mind when you only have your own broken thoughts to listen to and argue and eventually agree with. I tried catching fish but the water all around me is rotten and void of edible life and I tried to build a boat to carry me back to land but the barrier I created is too strong. It's like a hurricane wind, continually strengthening up when I go in the direction of freedom only.

     So I have two choices: look around the island and try to gather supplies to build something sustainable somehow or sit down. And stay there. Till the next big storm challenges me and wins. I've had tidal waves come ever so close to defeating me before, but that was on mainland. That was with technology and some kind of system in place to support my existence. Now I stand on the edge of this resort of sorts, looking out into the unending ocean and...I feel queasy. At best, I get numb and picture myself in a life worth living. One where I know what it means to be a superhero to someone, to anyone...or at least be willing to do what it takes to be one.

     The very last thing that brought me to this desert land was out of my control but I know that I caused the events that started that chain reaction the ended in my desolation here in the land of nowhere, nothing. I could be upset that things were 'unfair' or even wrong but an empty, lifeless detached paralysis regularly takes over because I know (in the back and front of my mind) that I directed my path to the place where 'unfair' and wrong and whatever other negative outcomes I see and absorb right nowhere the only possibilities. If you choose a flimsy  boat and push things way too far and put too much out there, what the hell do you expect as a result?! Right? 

     So I'm here, trying to convince myself something is worth something. I see that everything is better with me on this island, the grass actually is greener...as long as I'm thousands  of miles from the grass and can't hurt or ruin good things. 

     So I guess I DO know what to do. The only way to help the civilized world is to protect it from me.The greater good is the only thing that matters, right? And since I'm not good and I shouldn't be a part of civilization and since the grass deserves to be the best it can be, then this island is my home. And I can't let anyone step foot on the wasteland of a beach here. And I can't allow myself to believe I could be anything other than what I am, whatever that is.

     I used to say you can do anything as long as you put your mind to it and that's still true...for you. I just have to keep in my mind (at all times) the fact that I need to stay away from any main land, anyone's world and I need to stay away from anywhere that growth, positivity, love and unity are present. I make those things rot no matter what my intentions are or what I 'try' to accomplish.

     I won't forget what I am, nor will I forget the effect I have. 

Now what? I have no idea

      Sitting here, I was just thinking long and hard about a time when I could consider myself an athlete. I used to play hockey 4 days a week, practice probably twice that and played silly games with Tre when he was under 10 years old and energetic as possible. But now, I sit here typing at 2:42 in the morning in Wisconsin after eating a small bowl of dry cereal just to taste something sweet. And this is after a full day of fighting bitterness by ignoring the rest of the world in my room by myself.

     I have no idea how I got to where I am, life seems so crazy. At times I feel like I'm at my most sane ever and other times I feel like I can't complete one single simple thought without needing to question just how insane it is. I feel so alone, I haven't had a real conversation with any humans in months and even longer since I trusted anyone or anything...or at least I thought I trusted. I've since found out that so much of what I trusted was a complete lie and that's one of the hardest lessons I've ever learned.

     So I sit here this late ( or early if you're an optimist) and I wonder what it would take for me...the brokenest whatever I am to find even a small amount of calmness or peace or...something good rather than the most tense version of anxiety that has kept me at a great distance from the nearest comfort.

     I've had so much time to dwell  in my own thoughts and I have no idea how to get away from recent events that changed the course of my entire future. For the first time ever, I thought I found my purpose. I thought I never had to wonder where my heart would be fully invested in again. I thought, "This won't be easy and won't ever allow me to glorify myself or have a career of any kind but the reward of helping those that truly need and deserve it was worth it all. To be clear, none of that is a sacrifice I ever deserved or wanted any credit for; I want to be worth sacrificing things but my life was worthless so there's nothing to take any credit or "clout" it was just a path I thought was settled from now on.

     All that was taken away, some was my fault and some was not. Once rumors were started, too many believed without even questioning even the ridiculous ones; I learned who was never actually on my side and who just didn't care to even ask if I was doing or saying crazy things. I've been angry, sad, hurt, destroyed, reflecting on every single action I committed and so many more emotions that I truly think have aged me decades in the last 6 months. I'm trying my hardest to find a reason not to give up and leave everyone on this earth better off without me and my cursed soul in their way...I'm not really finding much to hold onto  or to convince me to stay. In fact, I've seen so much that proves I'm being selfish and doing wrong by NOT leaving everyone for good. 

     Guess we'll see what the future holds...I don't really have many answers...

It is what it is

   Well...it's Saturday night, February 24th 2024. If you would have asked five years ago me to predict 1000 different possibilities for where I'd be right now, I wouldn't have even come close to this. I'm in Appleton, Wisconsin. I'm sitting in a room by myself, sitting in the knowledge that the reality I'm in right now is both so far from anything I've ever experienced before AND exactly the same as always.

   I sit here, feeling the weight of everything I've done to people I let get close to me. Every time I pushed them away and then realized that I need them and they don't need me so I fought hard to get in their lives. I fought so hard to get back in and then either got insulted by some little thing, put things together that may or may not have actually been what I thought, or I felt the difference between me and them and tried to do what's right for them and distanced again.

   Before I thought, "I want to be like these people. I want to emulate them and grow into something like they are and maybe learn how to BE them." Like maybe if I spent enough time around happy whole people, people who have hearts and smart minds and good morals, then maybe it would become my nature. I thought the bad apple could learn to be ripe again.

I learned some things, I grew in ways and I gained an understanding of my mind in ways that took me to a new level in life. Sounds great, right? Sounds almost like I got what I wanted.

The flaw in my plan was that some of the 'bad apple' in me grew into them as well, I hurt their existence and corrupted them in ways I didn't even realize I could. Like an evil seeped into their souls, an evil that never would have had a way in without me. I made them worse people.

   I also learned some things about me that changed my world and everyone's understanding of who I am. Most of them walked away from me. They washed their hands of my existence, they realized they were better completely forgetting that I ever was a part of theirs. They made the right choice. I didn't.

   Instead of learning from that and realizing I was the curse to their souls, I thought I could get better. I selfishly wanted friends who were strong enough to fight that curse and through life I could learn how to be strong like them and fight this curse too. It took me about seven years to get too selfish and let people in my world again.

I met some people who were the strongest I've ever seen. Long story short...I only found new ways to hurt people, ways I didn't even see coming even when I was in the middle of it. Wasn't what they think, they think I tried to take things from them and use them and pretend I was one of them. I didn't do that, I never lied to them even once. But...

...but I found a way to make their entire world worse without deceit, lies or maliciousness. This 'curse' (me, I'm the curse) put their lives in such a worse place they considered shutting down their life's work. I misspoke many times. I let my emotions lead way too many times, I was too honest almost all the time and I let my absolute unconfidence infest the universe I brought them into until it threatened their life. In a way that statement is metaphorical since I never ACTUALLY threatened them (and I never would, I love them more than probably almost anyone. I'd do anything for them. Anything.) but in some ways I saw a life nearly lost more than once while I was around and when I was not emotionally close, things went back to better again.

Because I am the curse. I am the evil that destroys souls and lives.

Even when I try my hardest to be a help.

   Now to be clear, I'm not suggesting doing anything to myself because I don't deserve to just get out while others have been forever changed for the much worse. That's not how I'm going to disrespect those lives, they deserve better and I don't.

I have to walk this earth, probably for many years to come knowing every minute of every day that I met the greatest people, that I hurt them and can't take it back. I have to understand every minute I'm breathing that I broke something in the best people. I didn't break them, because they're better than that, but I broke something in them that I can't undo. I can't apologize them back to being whole, I can't even say one word they'll trust ever again.

So that will be in the front of my mind every minute of every day, in every smile I fake and every good deed I try to dissolve the evil with and every tear I don't shed that I want to. I will keep this pain where others keep joy, and I'll make sure that no one ever has to know this evil ever again. No one deserves to know what it looks like or tastes like or feels like, only me. It's my cross to bear shamefully until my last day...and maybe beyond that too. Alone.

The minute- no, the second I forget this? Others get hurt. I can't take that chance, I can't let anyone in ever again.

Since I'm the only one who will see this, I'll read it whenever I think I might be unintentionally forgetting just how important it is for me to keep anyone I care about from my darkness.

Note to myself: never mistake this with being a good deed. I. Deserve. Nothing.

so, I guess...