Sitting here, I was just thinking long and hard about a time when I could consider myself an athlete. I used to play hockey 4 days a week, practice probably twice that and played silly games with Tre when he was under 10 years old and energetic as possible. But now, I sit here typing at 2:42 in the morning in Wisconsin after eating a small bowl of dry cereal just to taste something sweet. And this is after a full day of fighting bitterness by ignoring the rest of the world in my room by myself.
I have no idea how I got to where I am, life seems so crazy. At times I feel like I'm at my most sane ever and other times I feel like I can't complete one single simple thought without needing to question just how insane it is. I feel so alone, I haven't had a real conversation with any humans in months and even longer since I trusted anyone or anything...or at least I thought I trusted. I've since found out that so much of what I trusted was a complete lie and that's one of the hardest lessons I've ever learned.
So I sit here this late ( or early if you're an optimist) and I wonder what it would take for me...the brokenest whatever I am to find even a small amount of calmness or peace or...something good rather than the most tense version of anxiety that has kept me at a great distance from the nearest comfort.
I've had so much time to dwell in my own thoughts and I have no idea how to get away from recent events that changed the course of my entire future. For the first time ever, I thought I found my purpose. I thought I never had to wonder where my heart would be fully invested in again. I thought, "This won't be easy and won't ever allow me to glorify myself or have a career of any kind but the reward of helping those that truly need and deserve it was worth it all. To be clear, none of that is a sacrifice I ever deserved or wanted any credit for; I want to be worth sacrificing things but my life was worthless so there's nothing to take any credit or "clout" it was just a path I thought was settled from now on.
All that was taken away, some was my fault and some was not. Once rumors were started, too many believed without even questioning even the ridiculous ones; I learned who was never actually on my side and who just didn't care to even ask if I was doing or saying crazy things. I've been angry, sad, hurt, destroyed, reflecting on every single action I committed and so many more emotions that I truly think have aged me decades in the last 6 months. I'm trying my hardest to find a reason not to give up and leave everyone on this earth better off without me and my cursed soul in their way...I'm not really finding much to hold onto or to convince me to stay. In fact, I've seen so much that proves I'm being selfish and doing wrong by NOT leaving everyone for good.
Guess we'll see what the future holds...I don't really have many answers...
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