I'm in ghost mode in life and I don't know if there's another way. I'm hiding from those who wanted to destroy my reputation (and fully succeeded), I'm hiding from those who don't like me and never want to see me again (they won't) and I'm hiding every time I realize that the good people in my life are getting tired of me or starting to see that their life is better with me not in it (especially good people).
I always make the joke that I want to move to a desert island which I use when I'm annoyed or interrupted by humans somehow, but what people close to me don't know is I want to be stuck on a desert island to protect them from me. I want to protect them from my soul, from my curse and from the darkness that follows me and everyone in my life. Although I use to think it was some kind of undeserved random curse put on me that I didn't earn and now I just have to live with; in absolutely unintentional ways, I earned it and deserve it and every single morning my first thought is realizing just now much I messed up without even trying.
I honestly don't know what to do with my life, I hate myself and want to avoid everyone for their own sake but I desperately need and want some kind of companionship and hope there's someone that someone someday is willing to know I'm a mess but still be here with me. I know I'm at times annoying and at times toxic and at times I'm so obviously broken, I 'm truly trying to figure out how to be better but mos tof the time I don't think I'll be able to recover. I've been in therapy for a while now and really trying to buy into it. But it's not working. I'm trying my hardest at work but I'm failing. I'm really trying to not be clingy to the few who I consider a friend but I'm disgustingly failing at that too.
In fact the only thing I'm not completely terrible at is is going away. Once someone leaves my life, I absolutely never ever allow myself to put myself in their life in any way...I'm a ghost.If all I'm here for is to make sure no one has to deal with me and avoid even good people and the only way I can 'add' anything to this world is to keep me out of it, why am I even here?! Why does god force everyone to have to share the air and earth with such...trash as me?? I don't want to hurt anyone, I hate HATE that there are people, great people, who can't stand that I was ever a part of their world or think I would ever try to hurt them. I hate knowing people don't like me, even people who aren't good.
My existence is nothing, my life is nothing, my soul is nothing. Every time the thought about making anything right with anyone comes into my mind I reply to that with the fact that: my inexistence is my only available apology.
