A Mature Update on the Life of Layla Lee

     I'm putting this disclaimer out there up here at the top of this diary entry so you know:
THIS ENTRY WILL BE DEALING WITH VERY PERSONAL/MATURE NATURE AND MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR EVERYONE

     Ok, now that I got that out of the way, I'm updating about my transition and some of it gets very personal.

Alright so I have been on estrodiol for exactly one month and a day. "It's been one month since I started hrt, gotta admit it hasn't always been easy..." <--- if you sang this to the Barenaked Ladies song, we can be friends.

     Well, I have been slowly getting more and more impatient. I was hoping to see a change in my body after...oh say...two days; then by three weeks I expected to see radical hair growth in the exact places I need to look more feminine and less masculine. Then I expected to be able to comfortably pass as a natural born female in public by, like...a month and a day.

Okay, that's a slight exaggeration  but I did expect to see some physical changes sooner than I did and I was hoping to feel different, at least a little. It's been a month and a day and I did just recently notice breast growth but so little that only I notice it. I was at the gym on the tread mill and I felt a bounce in my step, so to speak. I found it very funny at the moment and looked around like, 'I wonder if I look crazy. I look like a typical male and I'm staring at my chest as if I was a natural woman who's boob just popped out."

The other thing that has been happening internally is a bit more personal. Alright, I made like three disclaimers so if you don't want to hear what's next that's on you. I have been a very sexual person from a pretty young age, I learned about masturbating at about 11 and like most boys that became a thing for me. Then when I was 16 I had sex for the first time and THAT became the thing I wanted to do as much as I could.

Especially in the last few years, I've been like on over drive in my thoughts and desires to engage in those acts and it's been very tough to not be in a relationship while I'm in such a charged mood so often. Well since starting estrogen, it has been so relaxing to not feel that constant need to deal with that.

For the record, I think it's hilarious when women talk about how their boyfriends or husbands say they get sick if they don't release somehow; it's not exactly true, males don't get ill from abstinence...but... I can say from experience, it becomes very very difficult to keep calm when you go days or weeks without releasing and then the inevitable happens. Someone or something aroused me and I could barely contain my excitement...I tried to be as discreet and non-crass as I could. What can I say, it's hard to navigate...

Alright, no more of that, I promise. But anyway, it's been a lot easier to relax and let the estrogen combat my testosterone. I have an appointment in April and as long as nothing goes wrong (fingers crossed) I'll then start T blockers. My Dr. said that starting estrogen first and then Testosterone blockers a little bit later will help my breast growth in the long run so I'm excited for that.

     I've been praying a lot more and really trying to let God into my world i a way I've never let Him in before. Now that I'm getting help in an area that I hated myself everyday for and that's another area in my life that my transition has had a very positive effect on, which I am excited daily to let go of. I'm nowhere near done or even okay but these things are slowly giving me more and more of a positive outlook.

It feels good to not hate my own life every waking minute. That's new to me and I think I like it.

     One last thing that's been on my mind:
I've been dreaming fully female for a while now; in every dream I am a female, the female I have always seen myself as in secret. Well I'm now having regular dreams that I'll wake up and realize I look so much more feminine than when I went to sleep. It's always a very calm and examinitory kind of dream, I'll look in a mirror and stare at my eyes and face and see that I look so much more feminine. Then I'll slowly examine new lines and new features all ove rmy body and just take in my new life, always smiling as I accept myself and smile as I finish getting ready. That's pretty interesting.

Don't Die Yet, Kevin Smith. Please.

     Kevin Smith nearly died recently; a person I've never met and who has had no physical impact on my life nearly passed away...and it is an awful thought that I nearly lost the chance to meet someone who has inspired so much of who I am without even getting the chance to meet him.

     Kevin Smith, a guy who loves comics and hockey who made some great movies and made a few not great movies and likes to talk almost left this world and that would have devastated me. 

I am a person who has not had many friends growing up, I've been fighting depression and suicidal issues since I was at least 7, I am transgendered and am just now actually embracing my transition instead of hiding it and hating myself, I loved comics as a kid (I don't care what anyone says, Superman's positivity and innate goodness is and will always be the best), I found the sport of hockey to be my only escape from a jail of loneliness and a terrible family situation growing up and I have always had so much creativity in me that I couldn't contain it.

     Ready for the connection? Okay, here it is:

Somehow or another, I found a movie and watched it. It was about a few misfit characters who thought they were cooler than they were and kinda formed their own "cool" and bonded over comics. They were funny and the one character said what was on his mind in a way I wished I could (I was the opposite of outgoing or charismatic) and the other seemed to be a go-between from the outcasts to the cooler kids in their social world. 

Then there were these two stoner characters, the ones I had no understanding of or care to even see them. I was not and am not a fan of drugs and as a kid I was a lot harsher against everything involving glorifying of drugs (I'm not making any statements about that, I'm just expressing how much the least favorite character became a glowing inspiration to me in my whole life). 

Yeah...I saw Mallrats first. I'm the odd ball, big surprise. I saw it randomly and watched the commentary and learned that Silent Bob (the character I liked least) was the director. And I learned that he was hilarious. I loved how he could joke about himself without seriously putting himself down in a depression kind of way. In an hour and a half I found the very first inspiration this random guy created for me...a nobody.

     I wanted to stop destroying myself in how I talked about me, he was one of the first to actually reach me in that aspect. 

     I also heard a little of his philosophies, he has always seemed to be very fan friendly and like a real person instead of some Hollywood imaginary hero. And he seemed generous because he truly wanted to be generous. 

The second thing there has become a deep and very real part of my personality, I try everyday to help someone. As much as I hate when customers treat me badly and when people are slow or selfish and even when people wish me harm or whatever...I still want to make this world a little better than it was before I got here, even if I only help one person a day or a week. That has a lot to do with Kevin Smith and people like him. 

     So I watched Mallrats about a thousand times then I saw Clerks and LOVED IT. Of course, right? It's a cult classic and I couldn't get enough of Randall or the straight man, Dante. Then I watched Dogma and while I am not a fan of anything making fun of God, I can recognize the irony, sarcasm and hypocrisy of it. I enjoyed it for what it was. And a few years later, I started to see on YouTube more from Smith. 

     I found a clip at some point that could make me laugh even on terrible days, he heard there was a protest for Dogma and he went out and protested his own movie under a fake name. This dude actually went out there and trolled them right next to them and OHMYGOSH, I can not express how funny that is on so many levels. This kind of humor has shaped how I joke and the levels I try to go to to make people laugh. 

     And my favorite part of his humor is he doesn't target people or take any viscous cuts toward anyone, at least anyone who's not a close friend. 

     And lastly, he has done a lot to try to encourage people. That is something this world sorely needs. Go after your dreams, even if no one else gets what you're trying to do or likes what you like. Do good things help others, don't put others down, add creativity to this world, etc...these are all philosophies Kevin Smith has put out there and they are all amazing things to promote. For these reason, I want very much to meet him someday soon; I want the chance to tell him in person just how much he means to an outcast. 

I don't want this to sound bigger than it is but Kevin Smith has a very small part of helping me to not end myself, seeing him encourage such good things had a life saving effect on me, in a way. 

     Anyway, I just felt the need to put this out there and maybe hope he reads this. If I could encourage him in any way and return the favor even a little, it would seriously mean the world to me. 

In the unlikely but hopeful event that Mr. Smith ever reads this I gotta say this:

          Kev,

                   Thank you, man. Seriously, thank you. Keep doing what you do. And I don't care what anyone says, I'm honored to add you to my prayers ( Chris Pratt isn't the only one praying for you, haha) Oh and I'm not a fan just because you make movies so whether you make another Clerks or Mallrats or not, you've got a friend in me.
                                                Sincerely,
                                                            not your biggest fan but definitely a life long fan

Breaking Down Negativity and Two Questions

     So my entire goal for writing this is to explore and examine my inner demons, to learn what triggers negativity  and to better understand how I can make myself a better person.

     The first step in attaining a higher comprehension of my inner demons is identifying what exactly is going on that causes concerns in me. The biggest one, of course, has been suicidal thoughts and hatred of myself from a a very young age.

Another was my lack of ambition and lack of a drive to do really anything in life; not that I never tried to succeed but I definitely always felt like there has been a weight on my metaphorical back when it comes to pushing myself to do a lot of things.

     Since I was very young, my inner demons have been meticulously picking at my confidence, my
ambition and planting seeds of death regularly. Specifically those areas have been attacked more than anything else, I always hear people talk about peer pressure but that was minimal and when that did happen it rarely changed my mind. But when it came to me being confident at age 7 or 9 or 14, it was very clear that there's a huge problem. That's just one example, those areas were similarly butchered in just about every way.

     The second step in this is understanding triggers and learning why they're triggering me.
So I knew for a long time that the word family hurts, hearing about good families tends to have negative affects on my mood and psyche. With this, I've been trying to aim my negative energy at helping those families when I can instead of just feeling the rage.

I know all of that is jealousy, something that is never  helpful for a person who suffers from depression or suicidal issues. I have other triggers that I'm still learning to this day and I'm still trying to understand where each one comes from and why it affects me the way it does.

     The third step is actually doing something, the hard step. Its putting the knowledge I gained into play. Example: I bite my nails, then I figure out when I do it and what makes me do it. THEN I have to figure out ways to stop or slow down that and do it; holding things or asking friends to tell you when they see you doing it or some other way that works.

Anyway, this is clearly the step that takes mental energy to do whatever is needed and it's usually the step that stops me with some of the petty stuff and it's also the step that I've encountered most in my life for things that are deeper or bigger, like growing as a person and stopping doing things like saying certain words or thinking a certain way. But I digress...

     Currently, I'm in every step with different things and that takes a ton of energy out of me regularly. I've identified a few really giant big things that triggered or aided my suicidal thoughts for a long time and I'm working on step 3 and going through the act of doing a lot of stuff (anyone who has read my blog knows at least the more noteworthy things)

I'm also still trying to identify some things that affect my mood and things that scare me or push my anxiety buttons, stuff like that in hopes of finding ways to either avoid or fix those things.

There is a step 4. Oh yes, there is.

Step 4 is looking at life without the negativity accrued in life and making goals and plans that the hindrances would have stopped. It's another kinda hard step but that one is fun; it's when effects start actually manifest themselves into the physical world.

Example: I used to bite my nails, in fact ever since I was about 2 I couldn't go more than an hour without biting them. About a year ago I started painting them and the minute I did that, something clicked and I have not bitten them regularly even once. So now, on step 4, I actually have longer nails. Now I still have a few moments where my nail will break and I don't have clippers to fix that so I'll bite them just enough to fix the break but I don't bite my nails without realizing it at all anymore and I don't feel the burning need to bite therm anymore. It's a great feeling to have nails and I absolutely love painting them so it's a two-fold positive.

     Because I'm not trying to make this one post into a book, I'm gonna give a little update about my life and end it for the day. Ok? Ok.

I've been on hormones for almost a month now; I feel some small differences emotionally for the better. I feel oddly more calm in some ways, which has made it a little tiny bit easier to handle some of the stresses I deal with daily. Not that I'm handling them a lot better but this is an important start to being able to handle anxiety and take on more responsibilities  I'm also starting to see some small effects on my body that are so close to being noticeable by others. I was at the gym recently and felt a very new movement by a certain area on me; that was the first change I've felt in any way and it helps  to know the HRT is actually working. I've had dreams lately that I find out the pills I've been taking were fake and I had to live as my old self, which is unbearable a tthis point. I've come too far.

The ONE time I disagree with Ferris Beuller

     I'm getting used to being called by my new name by those willing to use it and I love it! I asked my boss to use that and she has been, which led to other coworkers being fully supportive and happy to call me Layla. I adore it every time I see my list of things to do for work and see Layla at the top, it's so sweet of them to be so helpful in that way.

Another thing is Monster Mania! I am so excited to go this year, I'm gonna meet Richard Dreyfuss!

I'm going to meet the only living main actor from my alltime favorite movie, the first movie I ever watched.

I'm also excited for MM because I'm going to dress and cosplay as Layla in public. I'm scared but I want to do my makeup, go and have fun, meet new people and not worry about having to pretend to be "a guy". It's gonna be so much fun to be in a group of people who aren't going to judge me for what I dress like and just all have fun. (March 9-12)

     So I have two questions I want opinions about:
1. What should I ask Richard Dreyfuss? I'm not good at spur of the moment thinking so I'm trying to think of at least one question so I don't sound stupid. (Last time I went without thinking about what to say beforehand, I ended up saying, "Uhh...I'm a big fan." and really not much else to Emily Kinney. Not happening again like that.)

2. Would you buy/wear clothes with my logo on them? The proceeds would go to my transition and honestly, I want to raise awareness for myself and others who are fogotten and left out in this world. Please give me opinions and thoughts on this.

Thank you for reading, your virtual support means a lot more to me than I could explain.

The Suicide Journal's History

     So I started this diary to fully examine and express my deepest of inner thoughts, from my desires and needs to those thoughts that are hard to understand or scary to put out there. I believe I've come a long long since I first started writing in a notebook and I feel the need to do two things right now:

1. Reflect.

   When I first started this, I didn't understand so much about my thoughts or why I felt the way I did. I had suicidal thoughts that just overtook my mind daily, sometimes without even provocation. It made sense when I lost my uncle to feel sad and possibly think about dying but to think about killing myself for no reason was beyond alarming.

I had times where I contemplated ending myself when things weren't very bad, like if I pictured how things would play out if I jumped in front of a car and the thought became so strong that I had to convince myself not to...hard.

It's always been obvious that it hurt seeing good families and knowing I never had that but writing out all of my unfiltered and deepest thoughts has really helped me break down other things I didn't understand til I read it on paper.

July 25th 2012 was the first time I wrote down in a journal and the things I wrote down were just the worst things; so much worse than any horror film or scary story.
I talked about how I didn't understand why I thought I wanted to end myself and what was going on in my mind. Here are a few pictures of the original Suicide Journal pages.

2. Now?

     In the past few years, I've gone through some very serious changes and arcs that have shaped me for the worse and (hopefully) for the better nowadays.

-5 years ago, I lost my Uncle to suicide, something that forever changed who and how I am. A piece of me died that can't come back anymore than Uncle Mike can and I hurt in a way that can't be fixed at all. This was a giant arc for the worse, just like anyone else who has lost  a loved one knows. I'm different than I was the day before I got the call about him, that phone call made me a worse person and added bitterness that I still can't just walk away from.

-About 2 years ago, I asked one of my best friends to meet up with me. He's usually pretty busy and it was very very important that I talked to him, not on a friend level exactly. When I met up with him, I confessed (for a lack of a better word) that I've been living a lie. I explained what I am and that my plan was to end myself if I didn't come clean about being trans. He listened and while he has not even said he supports my decision, he was as loving and caring as a best friend could be. I expected that conversation to end in a friendship being over but instead I left knowing that he and his family are more Christ like than I even thought (and I lived with that family for years so I would know more than most the character of all of them).

From then on, I've been telling more and more friends and strangers about the real me and have been slowly becoming a better person who doesn't hate myself the way I have my whole life.  Not that I'm fixed now but that definitely started a change that needed to happen, a change which is leading to a mission and goals that I'm embracing more and more to this day.

My goal is to reach out to trans people and show them that God isn't the evil, hateful thing that a lot of them think He is. The real God that leads my friends is the God who loves all of us and knows what we're going through. There's a verse that says we are 'fearfully and wonderfully made' and being transgendered is not outside of that. God can use us and I believe He is using me more and more in a way that I've always felt completely useless.

I used to recite the lines to a Green Day song, "Are you feeling like a social tool without a use..." and that's how I felt for a very long time, like any positive talent or thing I did was essentially useless to anyone. Like I would try to help friends but I couldn't do or help in the way they needed; for example:

     I can take great pictures and can draw fairly well but I can't cut grass without my eyes swelling shut and can you guess what would help my friends a lot more than taking a photo?? I'll give you 8 guesses. Nope, not that...yeah, they needed their grass cut. And then another summer when my allergies were not so bad, they needed help working on their car or they needed money or something that I could just never offer. This kind of situation often left me feeling beyond worthless on a regular basis. Now I am not trying to ignore the times I was able to help, I did for the most part what I could when I could. This isn't about 'woe is me' this is about the feeling I was left with during those times I couldn't help.

When I started being more open about being who I truly am, something changed in me and I've been feeling more and more useful to those who feel desperately left out. I'm not trying to sound like anything better than I am, just that I don't feel useless. That is an amazing feeling!
To be continued

I Dreamt a Dream Last Night

     I had a dream last night, Friday February 16th, 2018:

I was in the middle of a dream about my church starting a petting zoo full of very interesting animals. There were giant owls and all kinds of furry things that were very nice to kids and in the middle of it, two guys started to have a catch. They made a competition of it and were having fun  when I saw two girls walking and arguing. One was holding a hockey stick and I yelled to everyone at the zoo, "Hey! I'm having a memory! Stop. That's a memory,.not a dream."

The entire zoo art my church and the two guys having a catch and everyone at my church stopped as if they were all on break at a job while I walked toward these two girls, one was a tall girl with red hair and the other was a shorter girl with dirty blonde hair, and they were arguing over who gets to keep a hockey stick. It was my old hockey stick and the shorter girl was someone I dated a very long time ago, a girl I loved very deeply.

They were yelling and the shorter girl was crying while the taller girl was just angry; I interrupted them, "Hey, hey. You can stop fighting. Please stop fighting or being sad." The tall girl dropped the stick and I continued, "You both get to be happy. You both get to get what you want, you get to be happy in your life. Without me."

The tall girl looked bored with the conversation and walked away uncaringly. The shorter girl was crying and didn't understand, "You get to have what you want, and be really truly happy." I said calmly.

She tried to come close enough to me to hug or something, looking for some kind of affection but I stopped her respectfully, "You get to have what you want, you get to really be happy. You get to." She was calming down and starting to understand the gravity of my words, realizing I meant in her future and not that I was just dumping her or something like that.

"And...I'm gonna be a girl." she looked shocked and confused by that. She stopped crying completely and slowly was growing into the idea that she was going to get to be happy. She didn't even ask about what I said about myself, she just accepted that and was walking away from me.

I remember feeling sad that she was walking away, not because I wanted her to stay with me but that I didn't want to be alone. She walked far enough that I couldn't see her anymore and the whole time, she was getting happier and happier.

Then I woke up. Feeling nostalgic and really sad and kinda happy for her in a depressing way and lonely. Lonely.

Society's Game Changer

     Respect. It's a trait I see less and less in the world today, a trait I think we need to find a way to positively encourage in society.

     Something that's been on my mind for a while now is the respect we give to people who potentially risk their lives for their job. Police officers, fire fighters, security guards, etc. The people
who take on these jobs and others with their life possibly on the line deserve to get some serious encouragement in life.

And I don't mean to belittle anyone who doesn't work these specific kind of jobs, every job has the risk of something serious happening and we all need some decent respect or encouragement sometimes.

I work as a cashier in retail and if you've ever worked in retail, you know it can be devastatingly horrible to come to work and be treated like trash by customers and bosses and corporate and anyone else that decides to unleash their negativity on you. So people in retail end up taking a lot and could use some serious encouragement

Now, back to the topic at hand, respect:
     In every aspect of society today, we could all use respect. When dealing with spouses, talking to strangers, anyone who waits on us, when trying to change someone's mind on something...and so many more times that I see little to no respect where just a little bit of it would change the entire situation.

     I can't describe how helpful it's been giving respect out to my close friends while telling them such a big thing like that I am transgendered and that I'm going to be transitioning from male to identifying as female. I've tried my best to be respectful of their feelings and let them understand my situation fully without trying to immediately force them to just acept my decision. Respect has been the difference between losing a lot mor efriends and them disagreeing with my decision but still being there for me.

That's just one example that I'm personally going through currently but there are so many big and little times when respect can be the game changer in our lives.

     Anyway, this has been on my mind for a while. It's something I've been working very hard at living for a long time now, constantly getting better at respecting others and showing respect for those who deserve it or need it. And for the record, I am nowhere near good at this. I need more work at respect than most so I do NOT want to sound like I'm telling anyone else to 'be like me' in this area, I just want to share what I think about and where my mind is in regards to society. If you'd like to know more about what respect means to me, call toll free 1-800-R-E-S-P-E-C-T and speak to an operator today. Have fun, friends.

One Day at a Time

     For the last two years, I have been trying to live by a motto more and more:

     And it's been a good one to help me to take steps outside of my comfort zone even in small ways. I've talked to people I wouldn't have before and done things I would have been too scared to do before. 

In fact, I'm still holding this philosophy and will have many times where I'll go to talk to my boss or speak up when I feel like I need to and I'll say to myself, "What is stopping me right now?" Which makes me really think, why am I not doing whatever it is (usually it's nervousness or introvertness that is stopping me) and to decide if it's something I should do or if I'm stopping for a good reason. 

So for about two year now, I and my cousin have been living by that statement and reminding each other of that thought when facing any challenge or coming to any potentially good thing we get shy or cared to do. 

It's made me a better person and in my personal case, it's been beneficial for little things and for giant steps toward a better me. This philosophy has helped me to talk to people and fight shyness and ask for things at work when I need to (example: when I have to ask for something small like paper towels at work or ask a coworker if I can use their bowl for lunch or small things that I normally have been so shy about that I would just quietly suffer instead of just saying something).

It's also been a driving force behind stepping out and telling more people I'm trans and starting the process of actually transitioning. After telling a very few close friends about my true self, I called a clinic ad tried to get an appointment, they told me it would be years before I could. That broke my heart and I wanted to give up and about a month later they called and let me know there was an opening, I was scared and almost didn't take the opportunity. 

Now I was being scared of hurting others and being introverted and I was scared that my job would be lost or I'd have to explain to strangers stuff I really didn't want to...etc. But those reasons are all things that should be thought about before TAKING the opportunity, they should NOT stop me from doing something I absolutely needed to do. It was a life saving chance and I ended up saying to myself, "What is truly stopping me? Why am I not jumping on this opportunity?" and I thought about what those excuses were and realized I needed to go for it.

It's been great and it's been a great tool for making me a better person...but what's next? Now that I have that weapon in my arsenal and take more steps, what do I do next?

     This is where my new philosophy is coming into play. My cousin, who is a huge inspiration to me, brought up another phrase that he's been living by for a while now. That phrase, which he and I both need to use daily, is:

     One day at a time. What a wonderful phrase. One day at a time ain't no passing ca-raze. (YouTube

the song, sing it loudly, get it out of your system and then come finish this) After taking the steps and doing the things that I should do, there are sometimes very big ramifications that come from those decisions.

If I talk to a stranger, I could make a new friend and they will call or text me sometime and I will have to accept their friendship. For an introvert like me, that can be very daunting to say the least. 

     And for a bigger example, if I set an appointment at a clinic that helps people transition from male to female or vice versa and they tell me my heart might not be good and I have to get an appointment at a cardiologist and they want me to fix my health insurance and that takes time and diligence to correct and that causes me to have to schedule days off from work so I can go to these appointments and that causes me to have to take on days that I do not particularly want to and following through with that causes me to have to tell my coworkers and all the rest of my friends about my situation and decision to transition from the VJ they all know into Layla, the person I've always actually been. 

So that's a lot, right?! That can feel like too much...that IS too much, all at once. It's so much that it can cause ulcers or depression spikes or fear and panic or giving up. I'm fighting all those bad things by saying to myself, "One day at a time." 

All I need to do today is call a place and set an appointment, then go and relax once that's done. Tomorrow, my goal will be to go to the appointment and that's the only goal for that day. The next day, I'll need to just go to work and focus on working hard there, nothing else for that day. 

One day at a time has been making my sometimes very scary needs a lot easier to swallow without shutting down. I've become good at shutting down throughout my life and anything that will help me fight that is great. 

I'm setting a small yet achievable goal for today: today I am going to church and paying attention. It's small enough to do without any stress but it's big because my faith in God has not been good for a while and I have been shutting my ears toward what God has to say to me. 

     I have a few final thoughts I want to share with myself and anyone else reading:

* A place that my Uncle and I used to go to shut down and that really hurts. It was a small pizza place in Philadlephia and I can't tell you how many times I've gone there with him and with others in honor of him. I'm trying to not be too hurt about this but wow this is a big emotional hit to my world. RIP Fanti's Pizza.

* When I read this years from now and try to remember the exact time, I just painted my nails green and white for the Philadelphia Eagles. They're playing the New England Patriots later today for the Super Bowl. I'm not a huge football fan but I love any reason Philadelphia gets to celebrate anything. I's the greatest city in the world and I hope for the city that they win...plus I hate teams like the Patriots, they're the reigning champs and have been caught cheating many times and have won a lot. I want to see the underdogs win it.

So for the sake of my city, E-A-G-L-E-S- Eagles!

February 2018 Updates and Thoughts from Layla Lee

     One week. It's been one week so far on hormones and I feel no different than I did seven days ago. Should I?
-Don't I need to?
-Is something wrong with me for not feeling anything?
-Aren't I supposed to feel different?

     I know the answers but these are a few questions running through my head about every 23 seconds all week. I'm not overly upset or emotional or even anxious, I oddly feel calm and not as stressed as I thought I would feel and that's kinda nice since the last like 2 years have been like going expecting to go into a kittens bedroom and entering to find out it's a starving  giant poisonous snake's lair.

Each morning I've woken up and excitedly taken my pill and looked at my face or body and thought, 

"Okay...you can magically completely 

change now...no? Oh...okay...on to work." 

then I have been doing my best to forget about that and go about my day. And of course every day this week has brought insane amounts of stress for one reason or another and that's not even close to stopping anytime soon. 

     I'd like to focus on some of the things that went on in my head this week and what's new or not new in my psyche.

One great thing is I have not had a single suicidal thought or fantasy this week. I hate when I walk by
a train or see something that could end my life and picture in my head how it would play out, it's something I can't control in a way and something that can hurt or can be ignored depending on how I'm feeling at the time.

There are times when I will imagine something and it's just a passing thought, it could be anything from sexual to suicidal to silly and those kinda pass by and are forgotten about in a minute if I don't focus on them. (By the way, I don't see things or hear things or have any schizophrenic problems here, I'm just talking about
random thoughts) Then there are the thoughts that seem to kinda try to entice me, again not schizophrenic but definitely strong thoughts that try to convince me of something.


As a society, we often think things like, "you're not good enough." or something negative and it seems to be trying to convince us to give up whatever we're doing or to fail in some way. The good thing is I have not had even one of the attempted influential imaginations all week, before this week I was in a very low place and continually thought like what would happen if  fell onto train tracks or had some accident that left me dead.

     Another thing that this week has brought was some openness in my transition. First, I talked to my boss and told her I'm ready to use my new name and start living as Layla and asked for a new name tag. That was scary and I wasn't sure how to start the conversation but my boss was more than understanding and told me I'll get a new one soon. She also made it clear that while this is kinda new to her and probably the store as a whole, we're gonna handle the situation with care and patience.

     And the second thing was I posted this blog on my original facebook account and made it public to everyone there. Everyone. As one of my best friends put it, "There's no turning back now." I'm a little nervous about putting some friends in an uncomfortable place but I'm also really excited to take my masks off and embrace my vulnerable open self. Very few people now can say I'm lying or I'm fake or anything like that. That's something that will be a weakness for a little while because it's not comfortable bearing one's soul at first but in time, I know this is going to be a strength. 

Lastly, I want to say I've seen great friendships become greater this past seven days and I thank Gd for that. I've been praying more and more and really trying to work on adding faith to my vocabulary. I thank God for you all.