One Day at a Time

     For the last two years, I have been trying to live by a motto more and more:

     And it's been a good one to help me to take steps outside of my comfort zone even in small ways. I've talked to people I wouldn't have before and done things I would have been too scared to do before. 

In fact, I'm still holding this philosophy and will have many times where I'll go to talk to my boss or speak up when I feel like I need to and I'll say to myself, "What is stopping me right now?" Which makes me really think, why am I not doing whatever it is (usually it's nervousness or introvertness that is stopping me) and to decide if it's something I should do or if I'm stopping for a good reason. 

So for about two year now, I and my cousin have been living by that statement and reminding each other of that thought when facing any challenge or coming to any potentially good thing we get shy or cared to do. 

It's made me a better person and in my personal case, it's been beneficial for little things and for giant steps toward a better me. This philosophy has helped me to talk to people and fight shyness and ask for things at work when I need to (example: when I have to ask for something small like paper towels at work or ask a coworker if I can use their bowl for lunch or small things that I normally have been so shy about that I would just quietly suffer instead of just saying something).

It's also been a driving force behind stepping out and telling more people I'm trans and starting the process of actually transitioning. After telling a very few close friends about my true self, I called a clinic ad tried to get an appointment, they told me it would be years before I could. That broke my heart and I wanted to give up and about a month later they called and let me know there was an opening, I was scared and almost didn't take the opportunity. 

Now I was being scared of hurting others and being introverted and I was scared that my job would be lost or I'd have to explain to strangers stuff I really didn't want to...etc. But those reasons are all things that should be thought about before TAKING the opportunity, they should NOT stop me from doing something I absolutely needed to do. It was a life saving chance and I ended up saying to myself, "What is truly stopping me? Why am I not jumping on this opportunity?" and I thought about what those excuses were and realized I needed to go for it.

It's been great and it's been a great tool for making me a better person...but what's next? Now that I have that weapon in my arsenal and take more steps, what do I do next?

     This is where my new philosophy is coming into play. My cousin, who is a huge inspiration to me, brought up another phrase that he's been living by for a while now. That phrase, which he and I both need to use daily, is:

     One day at a time. What a wonderful phrase. One day at a time ain't no passing ca-raze. (YouTube

the song, sing it loudly, get it out of your system and then come finish this) After taking the steps and doing the things that I should do, there are sometimes very big ramifications that come from those decisions.

If I talk to a stranger, I could make a new friend and they will call or text me sometime and I will have to accept their friendship. For an introvert like me, that can be very daunting to say the least. 

     And for a bigger example, if I set an appointment at a clinic that helps people transition from male to female or vice versa and they tell me my heart might not be good and I have to get an appointment at a cardiologist and they want me to fix my health insurance and that takes time and diligence to correct and that causes me to have to schedule days off from work so I can go to these appointments and that causes me to have to take on days that I do not particularly want to and following through with that causes me to have to tell my coworkers and all the rest of my friends about my situation and decision to transition from the VJ they all know into Layla, the person I've always actually been. 

So that's a lot, right?! That can feel like too much...that IS too much, all at once. It's so much that it can cause ulcers or depression spikes or fear and panic or giving up. I'm fighting all those bad things by saying to myself, "One day at a time." 

All I need to do today is call a place and set an appointment, then go and relax once that's done. Tomorrow, my goal will be to go to the appointment and that's the only goal for that day. The next day, I'll need to just go to work and focus on working hard there, nothing else for that day. 

One day at a time has been making my sometimes very scary needs a lot easier to swallow without shutting down. I've become good at shutting down throughout my life and anything that will help me fight that is great. 

I'm setting a small yet achievable goal for today: today I am going to church and paying attention. It's small enough to do without any stress but it's big because my faith in God has not been good for a while and I have been shutting my ears toward what God has to say to me. 

     I have a few final thoughts I want to share with myself and anyone else reading:

* A place that my Uncle and I used to go to shut down and that really hurts. It was a small pizza place in Philadlephia and I can't tell you how many times I've gone there with him and with others in honor of him. I'm trying to not be too hurt about this but wow this is a big emotional hit to my world. RIP Fanti's Pizza.

* When I read this years from now and try to remember the exact time, I just painted my nails green and white for the Philadelphia Eagles. They're playing the New England Patriots later today for the Super Bowl. I'm not a huge football fan but I love any reason Philadelphia gets to celebrate anything. I's the greatest city in the world and I hope for the city that they win...plus I hate teams like the Patriots, they're the reigning champs and have been caught cheating many times and have won a lot. I want to see the underdogs win it.

So for the sake of my city, E-A-G-L-E-S- Eagles!

Today is the Only Day That Matters Right Now

     Today. An odd word, really. Seems like nothing special, were all use it all the time...right? The truth is in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't mean very much afterwards but in the moment, it means everything. In most ways, yesterday and last year are insignificant to our needs or wants or hopes and dreams. We've already lived that day out and it's nothing more than a memory. Not to say that memories aren't important, sometimes that's the only thing keeping people or places with us. Memories are very important for our mental state, but survival happens today for some of us. Maybe not in some cinematic 'i have to jump from this bridge that ship before it explodes' kind of way but we survive in harrowing and very seemingly very small ways.

     Jim Carrey had a stand up bit that is hilarious and also very deeply true; he said life is all about impulses. We all have impulses every minute of every day. "Do I run this razorblade across my tongue or do I shave normally and go to work?" Carrey used as a funny example (it's on YouTube, check it out. He's a lot funnier than I am) and it's funny to use crazy examples but there's so much truth in that philosophy. Every moment, were have a ton of little options that could be detrimental or they could be just normal routine stuff or could make life better in some way. Or life or someone else's

     I guess now is as good a time as any to get you why I'm writing this. I have impulses regularly that are not good...no, I'm not saying I'm crazy and hear voices but I am saying that I have mental issues that make it very easy for me to see myself as worthless, bad for everyone around me no matter what I do and generally a curse on anything I touch. I know logically I'm not supposed to think that way, I fight abortion hard and defend second chances for people whenever I can; it's very important to me that when I see the chance to show someone that they can be better, that I do it or when I see a way that life can be protected, it's not taken lightly. I do all that with vigor until it comes to myself. To give you insight into time when I'm alone, when no one else can see me: I have trouble looking into mirrors, most of that is because I have this distorted view of me. When it gets so bad that it takes you actually time, like I actually think about how bad I am to friends and to co-workers for serious amounts of time, that's when it's something that needs real attention.

     There have been big things that happened throughout my life that led me to this thought pattern, some of those were my fault and some out of my control. I'm not trying to make myself a victim for the most part, I've made a lot of dumb mistakes that caused long term problems for me (my dating history is a perfect example) and I am also in fact trying to say that my entire thought process needs to change. I want that to change, really badly.

     I recently nearly made the worst impulse a reality, one that would have taken away my 'todays' forever. I'm not happy about thinking that way but I can't lie or act like it didn't happen. That day is now not important, because it's not today though and I'm trying to keep this thought in my head more and more. Right now, this very second...Yesterday isn't important. Only today is and only today should be when bad things happen or when you make decisions you regret.

     Learning from yesterday and honoring good things about yesterday is good, today is the only day that matters though. Today you can make choices count, today you can change things, today you can survive.

     Remember yesterday, survive today and have hope for tomorrow.