I'm Losing the Battle

     Hopeless. No better word to describe me.Everything I touch turns to shit, I thoroughly ruin every good opportunity I get and when I don't someone makes sure that those times are ruined fully and completely.

I have nowhere to live, I have no one to talk to, the one thing that made me feel like I might have actually been born for a reason was ripped from me so harshly I don't know if I can recover from it to this day.I'm reminded every minute of every day that I had everything I wanted and tweice destroyed that. 

   I've been fighting so hard lately, I even got some serious help...and it's still not enough. I'm afraid, afraid I'm going to keep failing and I already know I bring bad luck and negativity to anyone who even tries to get close to me so I can never have anyone close to me ever again, so it's just me from now on. Just me.

   So now I sit here by myself and ask out loud, "Why keep going? Why am I still here? Am I wrong for still being here?How do I keep going on? What do I even do? Where do you go when there is no home, no solace...nothing and no one to fight for?" and I get no answers, no understanding. 

   I feel so empty inside, like I envy a time when I was only dead inside. I don't have a lot more words, or hope or reason to keep on trying. And I only see my future as learning how to live my worst nightmare out of being as alone as this world wants me to. 

   The light seems so dim, like impossible to bring back kind of dim. Sorry I don't have it in me to fake positivity.I don't have a lot left in the tank, 

July 13, 2024

 

     I'm in ghost mode in life and I don't know if there's another way. I'm hiding from those who wanted to destroy my reputation (and fully succeeded), I'm hiding from those who don't like me and never want to see me again (they won't) and I'm hiding every time I realize that the good people in my life are getting tired of me or starting to see that their life is better with me not in it (especially good people).

     I always make the joke that I want to move to a desert island which I use when I'm annoyed or interrupted by humans somehow, but what people close to me don't know is I want to be stuck on a desert island to protect them from me. I want to protect them from my soul, from my curse and from the darkness that follows me and everyone in my life. Although I use to think it was some kind of undeserved random curse put on me that I didn't earn and now I just have to live with; in absolutely unintentional ways, I earned it and deserve it and every single morning my first thought is realizing just now much I messed up without even trying.

     I honestly don't know what to do with my life, I hate myself and want to avoid everyone for their own sake but I desperately need and want some kind of companionship and hope there's someone that someone someday is willing to know I'm a mess but still be here with me. I know I'm at times annoying and at times toxic and at times I'm so obviously broken, I 'm truly trying to figure out how to be better but mos tof the time I don't think I'll be able to recover. I've been in therapy for a while now and really trying to buy into it. But it's not working. I'm trying my hardest at work but I'm failing. I'm really trying to not be clingy to the few who I consider a friend but I'm disgustingly failing at that too.

In fact the only thing I'm not completely terrible at is is going away. Once someone leaves my life, I absolutely never ever allow myself to put myself in their life in any way...I'm a ghost.If all I'm here for is to make sure no one has to deal with me and avoid even good people and the only way I can 'add' anything to this world is to keep me out of it, why am I even here?! Why does god force everyone to have to share the air and earth with such...trash as me?? I don't want to hurt anyone, I hate HATE that there are people, great people, who can't stand that I was ever a part of their world or think I would ever try to hurt them. I hate knowing people don't like me, even people who aren't good.

My existence is nothing, my life is nothing, my soul is nothing. Every time the thought about making anything right with anyone comes into my mind I reply to that with the fact that: my inexistence is my only available apology. 

Desert Island

 

     I've been on this island for a while now; trying to get off of it, trying to understand how I got here, trying to figure out what I can do from a land inhabited by no one. Can I harvest food? Can I find some way to bring some joy to a seeming wasteland of memories and regret and rage? Do I even want to leave? 

     Oh, to taste the things I tasted before. I remember how sweet it felt to do things that brought me comfort, how good it was to have the luxuries of favorite things...and a direction, a passion, and even little things like a can of soda. Back when I was on ground everything was so...I took so much for granted and I didn't/still don't fully realize what it means to go from solid main land to this island. The solitary isolation at times figuratively chokes me until I literally can't breathe and at other times it's starting to become the only thing I know and trust. God herself knows I can't trust anything else.

     I'm trying my hardest to keep my head above water, to keep from letting the insanity of my reality overtake me but this island does funny things to your mind when you only have your own broken thoughts to listen to and argue and eventually agree with. I tried catching fish but the water all around me is rotten and void of edible life and I tried to build a boat to carry me back to land but the barrier I created is too strong. It's like a hurricane wind, continually strengthening up when I go in the direction of freedom only.

     So I have two choices: look around the island and try to gather supplies to build something sustainable somehow or sit down. And stay there. Till the next big storm challenges me and wins. I've had tidal waves come ever so close to defeating me before, but that was on mainland. That was with technology and some kind of system in place to support my existence. Now I stand on the edge of this resort of sorts, looking out into the unending ocean and...I feel queasy. At best, I get numb and picture myself in a life worth living. One where I know what it means to be a superhero to someone, to anyone...or at least be willing to do what it takes to be one.

     The very last thing that brought me to this desert land was out of my control but I know that I caused the events that started that chain reaction the ended in my desolation here in the land of nowhere, nothing. I could be upset that things were 'unfair' or even wrong but an empty, lifeless detached paralysis regularly takes over because I know (in the back and front of my mind) that I directed my path to the place where 'unfair' and wrong and whatever other negative outcomes I see and absorb right nowhere the only possibilities. If you choose a flimsy  boat and push things way too far and put too much out there, what the hell do you expect as a result?! Right? 

     So I'm here, trying to convince myself something is worth something. I see that everything is better with me on this island, the grass actually is greener...as long as I'm thousands  of miles from the grass and can't hurt or ruin good things. 

     So I guess I DO know what to do. The only way to help the civilized world is to protect it from me.The greater good is the only thing that matters, right? And since I'm not good and I shouldn't be a part of civilization and since the grass deserves to be the best it can be, then this island is my home. And I can't let anyone step foot on the wasteland of a beach here. And I can't allow myself to believe I could be anything other than what I am, whatever that is.

     I used to say you can do anything as long as you put your mind to it and that's still true...for you. I just have to keep in my mind (at all times) the fact that I need to stay away from any main land, anyone's world and I need to stay away from anywhere that growth, positivity, love and unity are present. I make those things rot no matter what my intentions are or what I 'try' to accomplish.

     I won't forget what I am, nor will I forget the effect I have. 

Now what? I have no idea

      Sitting here, I was just thinking long and hard about a time when I could consider myself an athlete. I used to play hockey 4 days a week, practice probably twice that and played silly games with Tre when he was under 10 years old and energetic as possible. But now, I sit here typing at 2:42 in the morning in Wisconsin after eating a small bowl of dry cereal just to taste something sweet. And this is after a full day of fighting bitterness by ignoring the rest of the world in my room by myself.

     I have no idea how I got to where I am, life seems so crazy. At times I feel like I'm at my most sane ever and other times I feel like I can't complete one single simple thought without needing to question just how insane it is. I feel so alone, I haven't had a real conversation with any humans in months and even longer since I trusted anyone or anything...or at least I thought I trusted. I've since found out that so much of what I trusted was a complete lie and that's one of the hardest lessons I've ever learned.

     So I sit here this late ( or early if you're an optimist) and I wonder what it would take for me...the brokenest whatever I am to find even a small amount of calmness or peace or...something good rather than the most tense version of anxiety that has kept me at a great distance from the nearest comfort.

     I've had so much time to dwell  in my own thoughts and I have no idea how to get away from recent events that changed the course of my entire future. For the first time ever, I thought I found my purpose. I thought I never had to wonder where my heart would be fully invested in again. I thought, "This won't be easy and won't ever allow me to glorify myself or have a career of any kind but the reward of helping those that truly need and deserve it was worth it all. To be clear, none of that is a sacrifice I ever deserved or wanted any credit for; I want to be worth sacrificing things but my life was worthless so there's nothing to take any credit or "clout" it was just a path I thought was settled from now on.

     All that was taken away, some was my fault and some was not. Once rumors were started, too many believed without even questioning even the ridiculous ones; I learned who was never actually on my side and who just didn't care to even ask if I was doing or saying crazy things. I've been angry, sad, hurt, destroyed, reflecting on every single action I committed and so many more emotions that I truly think have aged me decades in the last 6 months. I'm trying my hardest to find a reason not to give up and leave everyone on this earth better off without me and my cursed soul in their way...I'm not really finding much to hold onto  or to convince me to stay. In fact, I've seen so much that proves I'm being selfish and doing wrong by NOT leaving everyone for good. 

     Guess we'll see what the future holds...I don't really have many answers...

It is what it is

   Well...it's Saturday night, February 24th 2024. If you would have asked five years ago me to predict 1000 different possibilities for where I'd be right now, I wouldn't have even come close to this. I'm in Appleton, Wisconsin. I'm sitting in a room by myself, sitting in the knowledge that the reality I'm in right now is both so far from anything I've ever experienced before AND exactly the same as always.

   I sit here, feeling the weight of everything I've done to people I let get close to me. Every time I pushed them away and then realized that I need them and they don't need me so I fought hard to get in their lives. I fought so hard to get back in and then either got insulted by some little thing, put things together that may or may not have actually been what I thought, or I felt the difference between me and them and tried to do what's right for them and distanced again.

   Before I thought, "I want to be like these people. I want to emulate them and grow into something like they are and maybe learn how to BE them." Like maybe if I spent enough time around happy whole people, people who have hearts and smart minds and good morals, then maybe it would become my nature. I thought the bad apple could learn to be ripe again.

I learned some things, I grew in ways and I gained an understanding of my mind in ways that took me to a new level in life. Sounds great, right? Sounds almost like I got what I wanted.

The flaw in my plan was that some of the 'bad apple' in me grew into them as well, I hurt their existence and corrupted them in ways I didn't even realize I could. Like an evil seeped into their souls, an evil that never would have had a way in without me. I made them worse people.

   I also learned some things about me that changed my world and everyone's understanding of who I am. Most of them walked away from me. They washed their hands of my existence, they realized they were better completely forgetting that I ever was a part of theirs. They made the right choice. I didn't.

   Instead of learning from that and realizing I was the curse to their souls, I thought I could get better. I selfishly wanted friends who were strong enough to fight that curse and through life I could learn how to be strong like them and fight this curse too. It took me about seven years to get too selfish and let people in my world again.

I met some people who were the strongest I've ever seen. Long story short...I only found new ways to hurt people, ways I didn't even see coming even when I was in the middle of it. Wasn't what they think, they think I tried to take things from them and use them and pretend I was one of them. I didn't do that, I never lied to them even once. But...

...but I found a way to make their entire world worse without deceit, lies or maliciousness. This 'curse' (me, I'm the curse) put their lives in such a worse place they considered shutting down their life's work. I misspoke many times. I let my emotions lead way too many times, I was too honest almost all the time and I let my absolute unconfidence infest the universe I brought them into until it threatened their life. In a way that statement is metaphorical since I never ACTUALLY threatened them (and I never would, I love them more than probably almost anyone. I'd do anything for them. Anything.) but in some ways I saw a life nearly lost more than once while I was around and when I was not emotionally close, things went back to better again.

Because I am the curse. I am the evil that destroys souls and lives.

Even when I try my hardest to be a help.

   Now to be clear, I'm not suggesting doing anything to myself because I don't deserve to just get out while others have been forever changed for the much worse. That's not how I'm going to disrespect those lives, they deserve better and I don't.

I have to walk this earth, probably for many years to come knowing every minute of every day that I met the greatest people, that I hurt them and can't take it back. I have to understand every minute I'm breathing that I broke something in the best people. I didn't break them, because they're better than that, but I broke something in them that I can't undo. I can't apologize them back to being whole, I can't even say one word they'll trust ever again.

So that will be in the front of my mind every minute of every day, in every smile I fake and every good deed I try to dissolve the evil with and every tear I don't shed that I want to. I will keep this pain where others keep joy, and I'll make sure that no one ever has to know this evil ever again. No one deserves to know what it looks like or tastes like or feels like, only me. It's my cross to bear shamefully until my last day...and maybe beyond that too. Alone.

The minute- no, the second I forget this? Others get hurt. I can't take that chance, I can't let anyone in ever again.

Since I'm the only one who will see this, I'll read it whenever I think I might be unintentionally forgetting just how important it is for me to keep anyone I care about from my darkness.

Note to myself: never mistake this with being a good deed. I. Deserve. Nothing.

so, I guess...

I got what I deserved, right?

What dreams may come, what nightmares dwell.

When lightness and love are drug to hell.

What's seen is felt, what darts are dealt, what darkness grows, what rainbows melt.

When the day grows dim, 

when reality's claw starts to sink in,

when the walls close in and fill everything in,

when even the most inconsequential smallest pieces of treasure have been burned to ashes

and when hope has been erased,

that's where my tears were buried and my soul died.

Why do I Love Horror?

     I love horror films, I have since I was a little kid. And not only do I love them but I love every aspect of the genre, I love bad horror movies, great ones, how they're made and what goes into the psychology of creating a truly scary movie.

     The question was proposed: why? Why do I love seeing all that gore or suspense or why do I enjoy seeing a character that harms people? The question why is an interesting one and I want to explore that in me and in society. Let's get into it.

     Starting with me, I saw my first horror...well suspense movie when I was 2 years old. It was the first movie I ever watched, I watched a scene on a beach when a woman was swimming and something grabbed her. Jaws made a huge impact on me at that young age and my first reaction (as I've been told by relatives many many times) was how I saw the movie from the shark's point of view. At 2 years old, I cried when they killed the shark because my innocence didn't understand the shark was endangering people. 

But here's something that ALSO happened subconsciously: that movie put my fears into a box. At the time I'm sure I had simple fears; things that a 2-4 year old are scared of can be considered simple to us at 20-30 or older, right? A few years later when I was dealing with family abuse and being bullied and not fitting in, things that teenagers deal with, and I realized that those horror movies became an escape and it taught my mind how to put fear in a box.

     Here's the societal part of this: more often than not, we find ways to cope with terrible things by putting our fears in a certain box. If we contain our fear, whether it's by running away from it or putting a face on it or running at it head on, just about everyone puts their personal fear in a box.

George Romero explained Night of the Living Dead as his depiction of aids, racism and anything that we face that cannot be stopped no matter how far away it is and how slowly it comes at us. That movie gave death (something we can try but never outrun) a face and a mental idea of how to look at it, we put death in a box with zombie movies. These fears or concepts are hard to fathom and can be destructive to our conscious minds, so gaining some control over how we understand these can be really helpful in truly grasping what they can be or do. 

     Another thing I personally use on a regular basis that came from horror films is sensitivity to situations, to people and to real life potential dangers. Probably the most relatable example of this is from a 2003 movie that shows a traffic scene where a truck holding logs is in front of the protagonist. It definitely created some over thinking of that particular scenario but the positive thing it DID do was give many of us a sensitivity to our own surroundings. 

We watch movies where a masked villain is following  the main character and we, as a society, look around when we're in situations where there could be someone following us later in life. And again, though we'll have many times where we're overanalyzing moments, there are times when wedevelope more sensitivity to actual dangerous times and have caught ourselves before entering actual danger.

     So in answering this question, it's been eye opening to dissect and figure out why I love horror movies on both a conscious and subconscious level. I think those of us who are able to see these films and hear these stories with our subconscious open to what the underlying lesson is can actually help in ways. All of that is said with the knowledge that there is a 'too much' of literally everything, so limiting even favorite things is always smart. And not liking horrors only means you are in a different phase or you aren't in need of quarantining some aspects of life, it's very interesting to be in every phase of your subconscious life.

     If this helped you in any way, please let me know. We can learn a lot from why we enjoy things we enjoy and how we react to things. Thank you for reading this far and I hope you have a legendary day!

Beginning from Scratch (October 19, 2022)

     Ok so...things are about to get real. Have you ever felt like you were in a rut? Or  better yet, have you ever felt like you're miserable in life, but like you didn't want to do anything because though it's miserable...you were comfortable?

I have. I did. I am. I do.

That's a hole of a feeling, it's the worst. I've been to the point of wanting to end myself because I just...I hate feeling so empty and stuck. So I am currently doing something about it. I am currently getting ready to move. Out of the Philadelphia market, something I've never done in my 40 years (with 2 very short exceptions in the early 00's) I'm moving to the Nashville Tennessee area and I'm terrified, I'm nervous, I'm excited and mostly I'm busy trying to find a place to live there.

     The background: On a whim, I decided to see if there were any openings with my company out of my area and randomly applied for one that I found in Nashville. Before I knew it, I got a phone interview set up and I was then looking for places there.

This is insane and I'm terrified that things won't work, I'm also cleaning my room up and getting rid of A LOT of junk I've collected over the years...but ya know what I'm not feeling? Suicidal. Depressed. And I'm not homesick. I've never felt like I had a home, the closest is I've wanted to not be wherever I was at the moment. The only thing I'm going to miss is seeing my Philadelphia Flyers in their home arena

     Now part of the background is why I decided to make a move and that's a beast on it's own. Wanna get into it? Ooook.

I lost my entire support group, my friend group not too long ago. For around 2 years now, I've had a very few friends and really Tiktok has been my main way to talk to people outside of work. And with having some kind of connection outside work situations being such a big and important part of me, I started to shell up and need that more and more. 

And I wish I could say this wasn't true but it was, I had very strong feelings for a person that did not even slightly return those feelings, making my life as uncomfortable as could be. I want so deeply for her to see what I see and feel what I feel but I never ever ever want to become a negative in her universe, which I think started to happen. 

Who knows, maybe I needed that to kick start a giant change of scenery. Maybe that was part of the plan all along (I doubt it because God seemed to have a distaste for anything good happening for me in any way) 

So those and probably a few other insignificant reasons, I felt the need to get up and go rising over the last...maybe year

. So I am Nashville bound, with no place to live yet and (at this very moment) my phone interview at the store there not an actual certainty, I am terrified that some or all of this won't work out. I can say this, no matter what happens from here on out, my life is about to change in a very very big way. Could be for the better, could be for the worse, it could kinda even out in some way but...things will be different.

Wednesday, September 7th 2022

     If you look at a rose and you see it, touch it, smell it. It's a rose no matter what you call it or what you do with it. It is a rose. And if you see shit, you smell it, clean it up and throw it away...it is shit. You can make the best of the situation by saying the shit was an accident and the rose was lucky being a rose, but both are still what they are.

     I try to deal with my situation, I try to sugar coat what I am but there's no changing what I am. I am nothing. I am no one. I have no past and the more I go, it becomes clearer every day that I am only creating emptiness where a future should be. I wish I mattered.

I wish anything I do could change me, I wish I could do enough good to fix the negativity that I bring merely by existing, like if I could see an empty container in physical form and I could see that every good deed added to it...I would possibly feel like I had a chance. Though it would be a lie, at least I'd be able to hide my head in the sand deep enough not to see what I still am.

     The funny thing is I can't even blame anything on anyone else. Every single mistake, every awkward interaction that turned people away from me, every judgement that led to making a choice...it is all completely my fault. No one else, nothing else and I can't even try to get away from every one of them.

If I did drugs ever, I could say it was the drugs; they made me make wrong decisions. I never did anything though so my choices were just me looking at a situation soberly and choosing all on my own. If I had bad friends or people who were ever in charge of me, I could blame them for something. The truth is since I was born, I was on my own. Sure, there were times when I got help but I still made the choices in every situation and I am fully to blame. 

     When I was 1 and put a blanket on an electric heater, when I a teenager decided I wasn't going to live with either birth parent, when I chose not to work at school, when I lost my virginity, attempted to take my life (earliest at 7 years old and many times after that), when I let certain people leave, when I tried to keep certain people in my life. When I was too annoying, too patient, too rude, too nice and so many things in between. IT'S. ALL. MY. FAULT. I sure as hell can't blame any parents or adults in my life, I barely had any. Something that doesn't exist can't be blamed for doing something, right?

     All that was a precursor, a preamble for today's thoughts. I've fought so hard and so long with no guarantee knowledge that there's a reason, ya know? I've been told that if I get to a certain point in life or work hard enough or if I do certain things, I'll get love in return. I've never seen it, ever; not for 5 seconds. 

I've been told that if I give I will receive. That has not been a part of my existence either. I'm not saying I've never been given anything ever, that's not true but here's an example I imagine a lot:

     If I need a house and I work hard to get what I need to get that house but I see someone else with a  greater need, I thought the way life worked was If I give to that person someday it would come back to me. That's what I thought (through my rambly mess of too many words in my mind) but what happens so many times is I see someone else in need and I help them, then I realize I'm in a worse situation than that person in need...and I am alone then. Not only is no one there but anyone that is nearby makes it clear that I shouldn't have helped anyone else. They say it's my fault I'm where I am and "You made my bed so you need to lie in it now." and if I even try to say anything other than taking full responsibility, then I am lying AND wrong.

I'm sitting here, kneeling on a floor in a small town near a large city and I cannot stop thinking about how I have done nothing with my life, Never felt real love, never experienced real things for myself and I have never been confident in one single thing, important or menial. And so many signs seem pointing more and more to giving up. 

I remember this one time I was working at a fast food place around Christmas, I was miserable and lonely and had recently lost my uncle to suicide. I was mopping and a song came on the radio there, I forget the name or most of the lyrics but what I remember was the story the song was telling. In it's tune filled story, it explained that Christmas wasn't worth making it through without someone to share it with. I'm sure someone somewhere heard it and took the words in one way but as I spent that Christmas alone, I didn't see the cute fluffy happy part of it. It felt like the radio was screaming, "Give up! Give up Now! The one thing you value the most will never happen, so why are you even here? You don't belong."

I was just watching a documentary about a celebrity, Soleil Moon Frye. I couldn't finish it because though I know it's about her story and it wasn't an easy one in ways, it felt very much like there was an underlying message of "I have no life and I can't have a life. I have like 2 stories to tell, I'm not interesting, I have no perspective that can help or bring people to my story. So I'm not ever going to be worth anything."

So I was born to be shit. I can buy fancy things, I can give to the poor, I can let everyone go ahead of me in lines and hold all the doors for people but...nothing can change what I am. Any time I start to break even or get out of anything bad, something immediately destroys it completely 

(like when I was in a relationship, had my own place and was starting to deal better with my migraines and then all in the span of a few hours, I was fired from the job I liked then that day I broke up with the woman I was dating and then the moment I got to my place after the relationship ending fight...I found out my place was bought by the bank and I had 2 weeks to find a new place to live.) 

That's how things go. Always. My life phrase used to be 'Life is what you make of it.' then it was 'It is what it is.' and now it's simply "I don't get good things."

To be completely honest with (no one's gonna read this so, I guess this is just for myself) I feel more and more like it's only a matter of time till I'm gone. 

...and that is such a sucky, soul draining thought. G'night.

Talking about my mentality

     So I recently did a thing, something I'm kind of embarrassed about. No, I didn't commit any crimes or really hurt anyone; I asked someone to be my friend.

Did I get your attention? Hope so, because I need to talk it out and figure out how to change myself here. Before I explain, let me iterate. Is iterate a word? I know reiterate is but that's stating something more than once, right? I'm rambling...ok back on track:

So, like many stories this one starts with "So there's this girl..." 

(And before you say anything, I'm trans. I know this. Just to clear this up, that's about my internal comfort not about my sexuality. Aaaand I know it's confusing, I know it throws a wrench into a lot of things. I'm trying to find a way to be both comfortable AND navigate areas of life that it affects)

So...there's this girl. I work with her. And without her knowledge, she broke into my personal broken and very guarded bubble of emotions. I honestly still don't know how but she did with just a smile.

For the sake of this public post, I'm going to call her...Angel. Yeah, so I saw Angel kinda a long time ago but knew somehow that if I even thought about her for one second, I'd feel something for her and I avoided her like she was a spider and I was, well, me. That was fine, one day I ended working in her area and she (not knowing anything about me, just being nice) offered some help with what I was doing.

We ended up talking and I found out she was in a serious relationship, and a few things that she likes and just kinda talked. Now I am very very serious about lushly so when I heard she's taken, I knew I was right to avoid her. Politely, of course, but I didn't allow myself to think a single thought and all was what it was.

Because I'm very good at being invisible, one day I overheard the person she was with and serious about cheated on here...a lot. Initially I wanted to be so angry, because even though I avoided her and did what I had to in order to not think about her, she means something to me. I walked away and couldn't help but think about what if we became friends and (for once in my life) it could work out. I know, it's too soon and she has zero interest in me AND she's gotta be hurting so I didn't do anything romantic or anything like that. I just made myself a little more open and social. 

I'm an introvert so it took me weeks to even be able to open up, to anyone not just her. I made myself visible, I talked to people instead of quietly walking by and waving, I tried to be...not me. And it worked. 

I think somewhere in me it's a talkative human that's been beaten down and ground into a painfully shy introverted mouse. And I was genuinely trying to bring that human out more and more. I think she noticed that I was at least being a little more social, she said hi to me more and more, she smiled when she saw me and I tried to not overdo it but I responded in kind.

So valentine's day came around and I really wanted to do something nice for her. Not exactly to get closer but I knew she was probably hurting about everything and I wanted to make her smile, like for real not. Be flattered. Maybe even be happy in some small way.

I stopped at a store before work and bought her a generic card. In the card I said I wanted her to smile because her smile makes the whole world a little big brighter and cake here the most beautiful girl in the world. 

I planned on giving it to her when I saw her and I was excited, nervous, genuinely hoping it made her smile a real smile. I didn't expect anything back or want to get closer to her really, at best I wanted to open a door to friendship.

So, I went to work...aaaand she was super busy all day. Like 'didn't stop even once' busy. Of. Course.

Plus she didn't seem sad or anything, so I didn't give it to her. Days went by and I didn't see her even once. Seven days in fact and we didn't work the same schedule. I had the card with me, debated leaving it on her desk and decided I had to either hand it to her or drop it and let it go. (I should have done tha, I'm not smart enough to listen to my own good advice though.)

So one week after V day, I decided that if I get a moment to talk to her I'd give her the card and I'd there was absolutely no time to catch her, I'd throw it away. All day I worked at the opposite end of the building and I thought that was it. That's my answer. The universe said no.

Then just as I was cleaning up to leave, she walked next to me and said hi. "THIS IS IT!" I thought. "This is my chance!" So I stopped here and have her the card, through a nervous voice. She gave me a hug, then left. Cool. Hopefully she liked it. I didn't see her for maybe 2 weeks because it just worked out that way.

I just wanted to see her long enough to say hi, see how she responds to the card and my hope was too ask her to give me a call or hang out. I know this is forward for this story but my thought was, I'm not trying to actually get into a relationship, I just leaned how to open up in any way so I just wanted to get to know her and potentially bean actual friend outside of work.

3 weeks go buy and I didn't see her even once. I was terrified that she hated that I have her the V day card and didn't know what to do. I did know that is she wasn't okay with it, I was going to be so invisible that she wouldn't know I existed even if I was right next to her. I was not, am not, will not ever be a person who pushes anyone to do anything they aren't comfortable with.

Ok, so in that 3 weeks I considered writing a letter to her; just asking her if she wanted/needed a friend. I figured if I give here a letter, she doesn't have to look at me if she wasn't okay with it. I said something like of she doesn't want to call or hang out I wouldn't bother her. 

I obviously write a letter, debated leaving it on her desk, didn't, did, didn't, put it on her desk then took it off...over that 3 weeks. Then, I did it. I put it on her desk on a Friday. I left it there and left for the weekend.

Nerves ran through me, I was happy because I thought at the least she might smile. Like, even if she's not interested in being something serious, shed possibly at least be a friend. 

All weekend I pictured her calling and saying she just wanted someone to talk to, or texting me. Some kind of small talk or basic friend type conversation. Didn't hear from here Saturday, then Sunday, then Monday and by Tuesday I worked a close schedule and she didn't say hi or smile like before. And...there it was...all the thoughts I considered absolutely shattered as she clearly didn't like that I did anything. 

The valentine's day card, the letter, the talking to her more. I had given negativity to the girl I've been thinking about day and night for almost a year. Every ounce of socialness (is that a word?) drained out of me in a matter of seconds as the realization hit me that I'd never get to be a friend. And the thought of not ending up with her...that still hurts ass I type out right now. I avoided her hard! I have her so much space that since then, she might not even know I still work there. 

A few weeks after that, a coworker found out I was the one who gave her the letter and that person told me she wasn't happy about it, though any details weren't given to said coworker. She made it clear to that person that Angel is essentially grossed out (my words based on the conversation) by me and that even being a friend isn't even a thing she'd ever even consider.

Since then I've not seen her for literally 2 seconds, she never said a word to me and I'm trying my best to move on. It's not working but that has nothing to do with her, it's my problem alone to deal with. 

Sooo...the reason I said I'm embarrassed, you say? Well there's a while other side to this, my side.

     So I've been broken for a while now. I was in a really bad relationship about 7 years ago, the person I was with was manipulative and really damaged me. She physically assaulted me once, did all the stereotypical narcissist things and in the end, I was unable to feel. 

3 years ago, of the girl of my dreams had walked up to me and begged me to date her, I would have had no problem saying no. I wasn't even capable of love it anything. I was actually starting to think I might be a sociopath, like for real. I shut all feelings off and that's very very not like me. At all. I've been a hopeless romantic since I was 6, so to not even be able to want love, that scared me.

2 years ago, I started mentally prepare to not live long. I didn't know quite what that meant but it started beginning apparent that I'm not made to last here, I had no real friends who I can lean on or spend time with, I have absolutely no path or purpose and I was losing control of my ability to care, about anything.

The only thing that happened that was any good was a social media platform I started to succeed with. That's not enough to keep me from preparing for my end, but it was cool. 

Then, about a year ago something happened. I saw this girl. My heart literally skipped a beat. I couldn't breathe and just her smile (not at me) made my entire day bright. I had a feeling! It shocked me. It confused me. I didn't know how to react.

I'm really sensitive to emotions of others, even when someone feels something and don't show it, I can feel it. And something that seemed greater than me seemed to magnetically pull me to Angel. When I first realized this, I avoided her but that magnetism was really strong. It wasn't because she's pretty (although she is literally the most beautiful girl in the world, whether she loves me or hates me, I can't deny that), it wasn't because she had something or did something; it was like her soul called out to me in a different realm, or so I thought.

At that time I was still heavily convinced that my end was coming within days, weeks or maybe months. So thinking about that, every single day that I didn't end gave me the thought, "This could be the last time I talk to this person." Or "This could be the last time I ride my bike down this street." Everything could be a last time ever.

It was weird to feel some kind of spiritual cosmic feeling but also be ready to go. Angel had and has no idea any of this is going on, she knows absolutely nothing about me or exactly how I feel...and she won't.

I refused to say I love her because I didn't get close enough to love, but I think it's safe to say I do. I love her enough to exit her life before I really enter and let her be happy. 

And one more thing, I have this curse. Well it's a curse to me, it's kinda a great thing to others. 

One is: when I leave anyone's life, their life gets better. Things start going their way and luck seems to find them.

The other is whenever I truly love someone, they find their 'one' and so far every single person who finds someone ends up living happily ever after. So Angel is about to find her perfect person, she'll get married within...I'll say, within 2 years she'll be married and have at least one child. 

Neither curse has even one opposing evidence. Not even one. 

I guess the bright side is in a way I'm making Angel happy...glass half full, right? 

That's the story of how I met someone else's love, kids.

I Can't Escape It

     I had a dream last night and I don't think another dream has ever scared me this much before.

I had this dream that I was invited to someone's house for dinner, I didn't want to go because I was hurting too much; hurting too much inside. They kept trying to bring me inside and treat me like part of their family. And after a while of them trying unsuccessfully, they took my bike away from me and said I could only get it back after dinner.

I sat down and could barely handle it. I wanted to cry, to sob, right there at the table. I felt like hopelessness would have been a step up, as if I knew there was not a single thing on earth that could fix...me. I tried, I really tried to just be normal and calm and smile but I just barely kept tears from pouring down my face.

After about 5 minutes of everyone around me talking and greeting each other and laughter, someone brought the dinner out. I was slightly eased by the fact that the dinner meant I could leave sooner.

They brought the actual plate of food in using my bicycle to carry it and the moment they put the food on the table, I politely (as politely as I was able through tears and a forced smile), I took the handlebars of my bike, walked it out the door and started riding down the street.

As I rode, I just started sobbing, harder than I ever have before. I couldn't control the painh for another second and I fell on some grass in some yard. It must have been my place because I walked to the back yard and opened a shed door.

As I opened the door and guided my bike in, I felt like someone was following me. I imagined someone coming to steal my bike and kill me. I had that second of fear but the hopelessness and emptiness took over and I hoped I was right, I wanted someone to come and end me. I stepped out of the shed, dropped the bike behind me and waited for someone to do it. I held my hands up in the air in a "what now" pose and closed my eyes (I was crying so hard, I can still feel that emotion as I'm writing this hours later) 

When no one came to rob me, I just dropped to the ground, no energy to even stand anymore. I began loudly sobbing, moaning and screaming that I just want to be done (though I was more blunt with my words. It's actually hard to type the exact words at the moment) 

And in a heap on the ground, as I wailed in the most empty terrifying pain I had ever known, I lsot that feeling that someone was around even to hurt me. There was no one to help me or do anything about the pain, there was no one to attack me or steal from me, there was...just...no one. Anywhere.

I remember looking around and all the cars in the street nearby were in the road, abandoned with some doors still opened and there was faint music coming from someone's house and thie erie sound of win became louder even though there was no actual win blowing. It was like an empty sound filling everything.

I woke up sobbing and saying the phrase I screamed in my dream and looking around for someone to please attack me (or hug me or to someone how make it better, however that happened) My hands were clenched so hard I have a cut on the inside of my palm and I still, this very second, feel like emptiness is more painful than any physical pain.

     I'm trying so hard to hold out for some...thing, some miracle. I just...I'm running out of reasons to believe in anything anymore. Sorry this isn't more positive, but this is as honest and vulnerable as I truly am. 

     Searching for...something. Anything. 

I'm Alone and I'm an Easy Target

     So, here I sit. Alone. And not only alone but alone and thinking about things. That's never good.

I often examine my life and my choices, I consider this a good trait about me...cool, right? I'm giving myself props for something. Yup. But...

There's always another side to things and the flip side of examining things is that I think and overthink the negative stuff in my life; things that can't be changed, the things I've done wrong and things that I expected to be a certain way that didn't even come close.

   One thing that scares me more than most thoughts is:

When I do something, whether it's lie to someone or choose something that is quickly proven to be the wrong choice or even pure accidents like dropping something and knowing that no matter how okay things are in that moment or the moments right after...things are about to be absolutely the worst. Because I'm me, I'm gonna use a hockey analogy here.

   Picture this: a defense man has the puck at the blue line. His stick lifts up to take a big slap shot and for a second he takes his eyes off of where the puck is and off of any opposing players near him. Just as his stick is as far from the ice as can be, an opposing player sneaks in and pushes the puck behind that defense man and that skater is speeding toward the other goal tender.

Now if you're not a hockey player or fan, this is one of the worst feelings in the game. You just caused a possible goal against your team and, depending on the situation, that could lead to your team losing a game or a playoff series. The few seconds between the puck being stolen from you and the result of that are the absolute worst, in my opinion. In those moments, things are okay; no goals are scored and you haven't caused any harm to your team...yet.

Now take that analogy and apply it to my thought pattern. I have made mistakes in my life, like not taking advantage of  opportunities when I had them that didn't affect me for a while but have since caught up to me and no matter what I do after that, all I can do is know I messed up before.

That's all the 'completely my fault' stuff, THEN add in the things that were never in my control and we have the disaster that is my life/existence. Things like my gender dysphoria and my early family life, these things have directly aided abandonment issues, inability to understand certain thing or trust people and more.

Sitting here, on my floor tonight, I have spent a few hours examining my situation and...spoiler alert: it's not a good evaluation.

I have no close friends and anyone who comes into my life either gets pure cling from me or I curse them by bringing them down. (I know it sounds crazy but I honestly believe I am cursed, everyone that invests in me gets bogged down when I enter their life more than casually and the moment they get me out of their regular life, their life gets considerably better. I have more than a few people and families worth of proof.)

I can't work a normal job because I get migraines and have anxiety, both of which I did to myself. Migraines come from post concussion syndrome, I got many concussions years ago and still to this day am heavily affected and the anxiety comes from me being broken mentally. I also put myself in funks by thinking about dark things and leading my thoughts into dark places, clearly not with the intent to build anxiety or stress but I still do it, nonetheless.

I have trouble understanding fairly easy things and have trouble conversing with people because I have trouble coming up with the words I want to use, I'm slow.

I'm a glutton for punishment; I fall 'in love' with women I have absolutely no chance with and not in the 'putting myself down' kind of way, it's the this is clearly not right and not going to work even if a relationship would start' kind of thing. I fall for girls who are very very out of my league and push
 them away to avoid being hurt or hurting them (remember the curse? I usually like the girls I fall for so I don't want them to be hurt by my curse), so what I do is obsess about someone but don't say anything and it eats me from the inside out and I act weird and awkward and end up looking and seeming very unlikeable or just plain creepy.

Oh, and for fun there are a few girls that I possibly could have ended up with but ruined those chances a long long time ago and now I have to see them happy and either with someone else happily or I can only quietly check their social media to make sure they're okay...er okay enough to post things publicly.

Aaaand then there's what's wrong with me, I am absolutely, undoubtedly not worth anyone's time. I can't drive (between not being smart enough to pass the written test and having what I very much believe to be dyslexia, I don't have my license and don't believe I ever will), I am not a role model or a good teacher, I rent a basement of someone's house and will probably never have enough to even pay for a date.

     Another analogy I often imagine to explain my life is Super Mario Bros. When you play and jump

 at the wrong time, too early to be exact, and you are in the air but know you won't make it to the platform you need to land on in order to continue; that's my life.I'm alive and well...right now. And that's not a threat of me ending anything, that's me saying things are not far from crashing.

The picture I'm using for this is perfect, at the very second this screen shot was taken, Mario was alive and had not died yet but there is absolutely nothing that can be done by this point to fix the mistake that was made.

   None of this is meant to be any kind of goodbyes or admission of anything, this is the darkness in my mind and this is currently where I am emotionally/mentally. I'm trying so hard to fight through this but the more I keep these thoughts locked in my head, the worse it gets. This entire blog is about getting the demons out of the depths and darkness of my mind, I highly reccomend if anyone else reads this and feels even close to this way, find your way to get the demons out of your bubble whether it's writing or art or talking to someone or whatever you can. And message me, I'm here for you if you need it. Never think you have to deal with darkness alone. Though...honestly, right now I feel like I am.

Good night.

A Sorta Kinda Confession/Unrelenting Thought Type of Thing

     So I'm here, I'm trans and have been officially medically transitioning for almost a year now. I've told many close friends, some of whom have exited my life or made it clear I'm not welcome in theirs and I've exited their lives. I've been openly moving towards identifying as female by using a new name and dressing differently (small steps mostly, I'm not very confident in my ability to pass as female so wearing dresses or other things has been confined to when I'm alone). I've stepped up a few times and tried to assert my seriousness about my decision and although I am not being so adamant at times, it's only because correcting certain things at certain times isn't going to be a productive action.

   And basically since I started, I told some friends that I would not partake in a relationship from now on. I said that my decision to transition puts me a situation where I would be going against one of my personal beliefs by dating anyone.

Before I continue with this thought, I need 

to make it clear that these thoughts, beliefs and opinions 

are NOT judgments I lay on anyone else. I don't think anyone 

should follow my rules or beliefs unless they actually believe 

the same thing and I would not judge anyone else based on their 

differences in any area that does not harm others. Happiness, 

safety, respect, loyalty, and following one's own belief system 

are the keys to keeping me from judging.

So if I say I feel as though I am a female, in spirit, that would lead to the guess that I would then be attracted to men. Generally, women date men. Clearly I'm not saying that that's the only possibility but it's the first assumption made when I've told people about my gender identity.

If I were to be attracted to men, my personal belief is that that would constitute as homosexuality. I am biologically male and that is a personal belief that I do not want to break (again, a personal belief ONLY holding myself accountable to, absolutely no one else is or would be wrong for this action, in this exact context) so dating men is already out of the question. And secondly, I am not only not attracted to men but I absolutely adore women. If I was attracted to men, I would not hold this belief so...basically that's not an option.

Now here's the biggest struggle with my transition, I am absolutely attracted to women. In fact that's one of the biggest things that kept me from transitioning for so long, I figured if I was this attracted to biological females and I look male enough then I can just deal with my inner thoughts and feelings without physically doing anything. But in the end of that thought process, I ignored myself to a harmful degree and that nearly pushed me to end myself. Not ideal, not an option.

So I am now, many months into my transition, having an inner struggle that I don't know if there's an outcome here that I'll be okay with:
   If I say I identify as a female and I live as a woman then again my personal belief comes into play, meaning I cannot live a homosexual lifestyle and be okay with myself. But on the other hand, I find myself wanting love, affection more and more everyday and having nothing to fill that void with.

   This debate I keep wrestling with has been sped up by having a specific person in mind, though it's a person I know for a fact is not even slightly interested in me. And the person isn't really important, the important issue right now is that I am feeling more and more needy for that kind of attention and it's starting to burn kinda badly. For, like, 7 months I was able to shut those 'hopeless romantic' kind of thoughts and feelings off almost completely and suddenly the flood gates seemed to open up recently.

All of this has me thinking thoughts like, "Am I only transitioning because I can't find love?" Or "If I met someone, someone really special, could I accept living a male life for them and for the life I'd be  apart of then?" These thoughts are good to have, questioning your beliefs and decisions will either reaffirm your decisions or cause you to potentially make a change you may need to make.

One of the few things about me that made sense before starting my transition was that I have had a deep burning desire to be in a "madly in love" relationship. I relate myself to a "Ted Mosby" type of spirit and that's a very male part of me that's clearly still alive and strong. Not that I'm confessing to being wrong here, I'm not. Even if I do stop transitioning in the future, it won't be a 'wrong' because I would only stop if I knew that I was making the wrong choice.

Two things about this entire rant:

   1. I wasn't exactly doing well in the love department...ever as a male. The most "but it's Robin" type of person in my life was a girl who I knew when I was 6, a girl who I searched for over a 20 year span. I made it my life's entire goal to find her and I did. I found her in 2010. And I contacted her, got her phone number and we spent about 2 weeks texting nonstop...then she saw something I said on facebook about my feelings toward her and she completely stopped responding to me. It was completely my fault that I lost any chance and all, I was dumb enough to think she wouldn't see that one random comment even though we were connected on facebook. She wasn't the same girl I knew or the girl I was searching for, I'm not writing this because of her or that issue. The reason I'm bringing this up is to say that's the closest I've ever come to being in love. At 6 years old, I was ready to spend my entire life with this girl and I was so sure that I could have won her heart that I didn't really let myself fall in love with anyone for the next 20 years. I had crushes but in the back of my mind I thought I was made for that girl. So in 2010 when I found her and found out I wasn't 'the one' for her, I had absolutely no path in life. None. That's the closest I've ever come to love, I've been burned by many and left by many and I've regretfully treated a few people very badly and that's the end of my love life as a male for 35 years. So I'm not exactly giving up some great love life by transitioning.

2. I'm so much happier by so many more seemingly little things now than I ever have been. Things like my name and being introduced and being complimented for pretty things, for example. My borther introduced me today as Layla and on the inside I was so proud and honored and happy to hear that name that I couldn't help but smile. I have an inner desire to take care of myself for the first time in my life.

So I have some things to think about and hopefully SOMETHING will clear up for me in some way. I'm gonna stop typing so I can over think and over analyze everything that happens. So...good night all.

An Update and a Vacay

Date: Sunday June 9th 2019 Starting at 8:35 am

     So it is finally here! I'm officially on vacation from work and have been since Friday at 3:00 pm. Awesome! That's enough, right? Nooope! I'm also just a little over 24 hours away from getting on a plane and going to Washington DC. Sounds great, right? NOT DONE YET! Once in DC I, and my cousin, will be waiting about an hour and then taking another plane to HAWAII! Yussss!!! I'm taking an actual vacation! A real one and a very big one!

     We've got so many plans for this trip and it's gonna be so great to get away and enjoy all that Hawaii has to offer us.  We'll be visiting Waikiki Beach (where Kurt Cobain was married among other awesome things), we'll be swimming with sharks, seeing the Pearl Harbor Memorial and so much more that I can hardly wait to experience. Two friends and I will have so much video and so many pictures from the next two weeks; I'm so excited to just be somewhere else, somewhere so different from all I'd ever experienced in my life.

     No for my current life situation: Yesterday I found out I'm going to be moving today. Not far and it's a guaranteed place to go so that's a good thing, although it's not exactly the best possible situation. I'm gonna try to make the best of it. I need to get a portable air conditioner and a new couch, bed and figure out a way to get my projector screen hung in a concrete basement. The "projector life" has been really eye opening for me and I don't want to lose that but I'm gonna have to get real creative with it at the new place.

     It's been very surreal for the last year and a half, I've lived at my current residence with my landlord since November 2017 though I was supposed to be here for two weeks. My landlord reminds me of my Uncle so much that at times while I was living in his home, I forgot it wasn't Uncle Mike for moments. It's wild! His mannerisms and his life structure and the words he uses and his generosity, they are all reminiscent of the only man I've ever truly seen as "family" (not including my cousin since it's kind of recent that he's been so important to my life. Recent being within 7 or 8 years out of my 37 years of life so far)

     So it's pretty bittersweet not living with him anymore and not getting to see and play with his dog anymore and adding that I've spent a year building my room into a nearly perfect theater/place to record videos/stay cool, it's going to take some time to fix this new place up. And I know I probably sound negative about this, I am excited to have to be creative with some things and have a definite place (for a little bit cheaper too), this isn't too too bad of a situation.

     The last thing that's been a big focus for me lately is my upcoming Youtube channel revamp. If you'll notice, I'm using a new picture at the top of this diary entry, one that says "Journey of LIFE"
I'm very very excited to be currently working on episodes, I have been forming what I think is a great new idea for a little while now. I have a structure that I hope people like and watch and it is my way of giving back to this sometimes too negative universe.


     A little about "Journey of LIFE:

We all have a story, fantastic experiences that should be known and shared. Sometimes it's because we need help, sometimes one story can encourage someone else or lets someone else know they're not alone in a way, sometimes we need to be uplifted by a success story or even the chance to help someone who we can help in some way. My hope is through me learning about new things and hearing from people who have stories that people watching will be encouraged to keep going and continue to create their own great story.

     In wanting to encompass a wide array of  what life has to offer, I'm going to have a format that brings you a different topic every week.

-the first week will be focused on discussion/debate. I plan to open up my mind by testing my own beliefs at times and just hearing someone else's personal journey. I'm excited to find out what people have been through and how they were able to get to where they are today!

-the second week of every month will showcase a pop culture themed episode. From movie reviews to music conversation and news to art and artistic history to short films and actors; this one is going to be great since I'm eager to bring my version of imagination to the world, hopefully you like it.

-the third week will mainly a personal look into my life. I'll be posting v logs there and potentially sharing guests' personal struggles/triumphs.

-And the 4th week will be dedicated to activities, athletics and active projects.

Through all of this, I hope viewers learn a little something or are encouraged and maybe laugh a little here and there. That was a shameless plug but it's what I've been planning and working on lately that I'm really excited about.

There will be a part 2 to this...can't make any promises of when but there will be.

To be continued...

An Update and a Bright Future! I'm Hoping for it

     So it's been a minute or two...I haven't had Internet access to post but I have a day to get online so here I am.

I've been through a bunch since last time I posted, I'm not even sure where to start. Let's see (thinking about where I was when I posted last) . . .

     Well, I quit my job after some absolute garbage went down with my former bosses and had about 3 weeks off before getting a new one; a MUCH better one. I get paid a bit more and I don't have to be a cashier! I joined a gym that's RIGHT next to work, making it so easy to go from work to the gym every weekday.

     Aaaaand the most fun news I have is I'm taking a vacation, a real one. As of Friday May 17th 2019 in 25 days, I'm going with two people to HAWAII!!!!! And I could not be more excited!

I've never taken a real vacation so this is really big for me. We're gonna visit the Pearl Harbor Memorial, see Waikiki Beach, swim with sharks (in and out of a cage), climb a volcano and go to as many luaus as possible!

 My cousin and I have planned a few trips that ended up not working out for mostly money reasons but this time we planned it out and have already paid for everything over the last year so it's set and we just have to make it through the next 25 days...sounds easy, right? Yesterday felt like 4 days long.

Life update:

     I've been really working at my depression, the quitting my old job was a big, yet scary, step.
Getting my health insurance back so I can get back on the meds I need is a great next step and the gym has been helping depression issues in a way.

     Now for the not so good part of this fight, it hasn't been all great in the last few months. I go through phases where I hide from everyone or can't seem to speak out when I need someone around or I don't have anyone to talk to. A few weeks ago, I went through the scariest night in a long time, I was hurting over things and I'm typing this now feeling so far from that night because if I had a way to end myself, I would have.

I was ready to give up and if I had a gun or something like that...I was so numb from emotional pain that I would have followed through with almost anything. It took me about two days to come down from that and I don't even know quite how I came down from that terrifying ledge. God only knows and I thank HIM for not letting me find a way to end myself that night.

I am trying to show myself that I

have a future to look forward to and think about the things I have in my life to enjoy/the people who have stuck by me through so much.

Future plans:

     Well, my trip to HAWAII is coming up then the next big plan is to start my legal name change process. I was going to do it a few months ago but decided to wait till after the trip because I have terrible luck and I was afraid it would affect my passport, which would mess with everything. So that's the next big thing.

Then I'm deciding on either moving to Canada next as my main objective OR taking a very long trip in 2022 (MY year) and then working on my move. That's all very up in the air and can be changed but I do know this: I'm making 2022 the best year ever!

That's about all I got so far, lots of positive things to think about and focus on!

Till next time...