I Can't Escape It

     I had a dream last night and I don't think another dream has ever scared me this much before.

I had this dream that I was invited to someone's house for dinner, I didn't want to go because I was hurting too much; hurting too much inside. They kept trying to bring me inside and treat me like part of their family. And after a while of them trying unsuccessfully, they took my bike away from me and said I could only get it back after dinner.

I sat down and could barely handle it. I wanted to cry, to sob, right there at the table. I felt like hopelessness would have been a step up, as if I knew there was not a single thing on earth that could fix...me. I tried, I really tried to just be normal and calm and smile but I just barely kept tears from pouring down my face.

After about 5 minutes of everyone around me talking and greeting each other and laughter, someone brought the dinner out. I was slightly eased by the fact that the dinner meant I could leave sooner.

They brought the actual plate of food in using my bicycle to carry it and the moment they put the food on the table, I politely (as politely as I was able through tears and a forced smile), I took the handlebars of my bike, walked it out the door and started riding down the street.

As I rode, I just started sobbing, harder than I ever have before. I couldn't control the painh for another second and I fell on some grass in some yard. It must have been my place because I walked to the back yard and opened a shed door.

As I opened the door and guided my bike in, I felt like someone was following me. I imagined someone coming to steal my bike and kill me. I had that second of fear but the hopelessness and emptiness took over and I hoped I was right, I wanted someone to come and end me. I stepped out of the shed, dropped the bike behind me and waited for someone to do it. I held my hands up in the air in a "what now" pose and closed my eyes (I was crying so hard, I can still feel that emotion as I'm writing this hours later) 

When no one came to rob me, I just dropped to the ground, no energy to even stand anymore. I began loudly sobbing, moaning and screaming that I just want to be done (though I was more blunt with my words. It's actually hard to type the exact words at the moment) 

And in a heap on the ground, as I wailed in the most empty terrifying pain I had ever known, I lsot that feeling that someone was around even to hurt me. There was no one to help me or do anything about the pain, there was no one to attack me or steal from me, there was...just...no one. Anywhere.

I remember looking around and all the cars in the street nearby were in the road, abandoned with some doors still opened and there was faint music coming from someone's house and thie erie sound of win became louder even though there was no actual win blowing. It was like an empty sound filling everything.

I woke up sobbing and saying the phrase I screamed in my dream and looking around for someone to please attack me (or hug me or to someone how make it better, however that happened) My hands were clenched so hard I have a cut on the inside of my palm and I still, this very second, feel like emptiness is more painful than any physical pain.

     I'm trying so hard to hold out for some...thing, some miracle. I just...I'm running out of reasons to believe in anything anymore. Sorry this isn't more positive, but this is as honest and vulnerable as I truly am. 

     Searching for...something. Anything. 

I'm Alone and I'm an Easy Target

     So, here I sit. Alone. And not only alone but alone and thinking about things. That's never good.

I often examine my life and my choices, I consider this a good trait about me...cool, right? I'm giving myself props for something. Yup. But...

There's always another side to things and the flip side of examining things is that I think and overthink the negative stuff in my life; things that can't be changed, the things I've done wrong and things that I expected to be a certain way that didn't even come close.

   One thing that scares me more than most thoughts is:

When I do something, whether it's lie to someone or choose something that is quickly proven to be the wrong choice or even pure accidents like dropping something and knowing that no matter how okay things are in that moment or the moments right after...things are about to be absolutely the worst. Because I'm me, I'm gonna use a hockey analogy here.

   Picture this: a defense man has the puck at the blue line. His stick lifts up to take a big slap shot and for a second he takes his eyes off of where the puck is and off of any opposing players near him. Just as his stick is as far from the ice as can be, an opposing player sneaks in and pushes the puck behind that defense man and that skater is speeding toward the other goal tender.

Now if you're not a hockey player or fan, this is one of the worst feelings in the game. You just caused a possible goal against your team and, depending on the situation, that could lead to your team losing a game or a playoff series. The few seconds between the puck being stolen from you and the result of that are the absolute worst, in my opinion. In those moments, things are okay; no goals are scored and you haven't caused any harm to your team...yet.

Now take that analogy and apply it to my thought pattern. I have made mistakes in my life, like not taking advantage of  opportunities when I had them that didn't affect me for a while but have since caught up to me and no matter what I do after that, all I can do is know I messed up before.

That's all the 'completely my fault' stuff, THEN add in the things that were never in my control and we have the disaster that is my life/existence. Things like my gender dysphoria and my early family life, these things have directly aided abandonment issues, inability to understand certain thing or trust people and more.

Sitting here, on my floor tonight, I have spent a few hours examining my situation and...spoiler alert: it's not a good evaluation.

I have no close friends and anyone who comes into my life either gets pure cling from me or I curse them by bringing them down. (I know it sounds crazy but I honestly believe I am cursed, everyone that invests in me gets bogged down when I enter their life more than casually and the moment they get me out of their regular life, their life gets considerably better. I have more than a few people and families worth of proof.)

I can't work a normal job because I get migraines and have anxiety, both of which I did to myself. Migraines come from post concussion syndrome, I got many concussions years ago and still to this day am heavily affected and the anxiety comes from me being broken mentally. I also put myself in funks by thinking about dark things and leading my thoughts into dark places, clearly not with the intent to build anxiety or stress but I still do it, nonetheless.

I have trouble understanding fairly easy things and have trouble conversing with people because I have trouble coming up with the words I want to use, I'm slow.

I'm a glutton for punishment; I fall 'in love' with women I have absolutely no chance with and not in the 'putting myself down' kind of way, it's the this is clearly not right and not going to work even if a relationship would start' kind of thing. I fall for girls who are very very out of my league and push
 them away to avoid being hurt or hurting them (remember the curse? I usually like the girls I fall for so I don't want them to be hurt by my curse), so what I do is obsess about someone but don't say anything and it eats me from the inside out and I act weird and awkward and end up looking and seeming very unlikeable or just plain creepy.

Oh, and for fun there are a few girls that I possibly could have ended up with but ruined those chances a long long time ago and now I have to see them happy and either with someone else happily or I can only quietly check their social media to make sure they're okay...er okay enough to post things publicly.

Aaaand then there's what's wrong with me, I am absolutely, undoubtedly not worth anyone's time. I can't drive (between not being smart enough to pass the written test and having what I very much believe to be dyslexia, I don't have my license and don't believe I ever will), I am not a role model or a good teacher, I rent a basement of someone's house and will probably never have enough to even pay for a date.

     Another analogy I often imagine to explain my life is Super Mario Bros. When you play and jump

 at the wrong time, too early to be exact, and you are in the air but know you won't make it to the platform you need to land on in order to continue; that's my life.I'm alive and well...right now. And that's not a threat of me ending anything, that's me saying things are not far from crashing.

The picture I'm using for this is perfect, at the very second this screen shot was taken, Mario was alive and had not died yet but there is absolutely nothing that can be done by this point to fix the mistake that was made.

   None of this is meant to be any kind of goodbyes or admission of anything, this is the darkness in my mind and this is currently where I am emotionally/mentally. I'm trying so hard to fight through this but the more I keep these thoughts locked in my head, the worse it gets. This entire blog is about getting the demons out of the depths and darkness of my mind, I highly reccomend if anyone else reads this and feels even close to this way, find your way to get the demons out of your bubble whether it's writing or art or talking to someone or whatever you can. And message me, I'm here for you if you need it. Never think you have to deal with darkness alone. Though...honestly, right now I feel like I am.

Good night.

Unintentional Learning

     I have this memory, from whenever I was in school and I walked into a lunch room. Not just one specific time but many, many times throughout many different schools and across so many stages of my life. I would walk in to a full or filling lunch room and see groups of friends sitting down; talking or laughing or showing each other something they think their friends like. Kids would walk in behind me and be called to, motioned to sit next to friends. I'd see some kids sitting down without being asked, because they didn't have to be called over or ask to sit down and I remember watching that be cool with whomever they sat by.

...then there was me...

Each second became harder, somehow, to find a place to belong. I tried so hard to just be invisible so I could survey the area without being noticed. But as I have learned, I can't will myself to be unseen. I felt the awkward pouring over me, I felt kids' eyes hitting me and I felt the panic of the fact that even though I looked out of place; like I just needed ONE person (not friend, because...what's that) to pity me and ask me to sit with them...they didn't care.

All that I just explained took seconds, maybe a minute in real time but to me every single time that happened it was longer than any clock had to show. And it wasn't the fact that I was awkward that hurt so much, it wasn't that I needed to sit or even that I had no friends (most of the time at least) It was the fact that no one cared enough for real to help me out of that misery. Even people who claimed to be 'my friend' didn't care if I was going through those torturous moments.

So I learned that I was able to make myself invisible. My superpower, right?! There were times when I would stand in a corner of a cafeteria, lean against a wall and eat my lunch and not one person would say a word to me. I wish I could say this is just a metaphor or an exaggerated example of things that happened but this has happened to me many times, in real life. And it hurt worse every time I went through it.

     If that was just a memory and I was hurt but learned from it, that's cool. But it affected me in a pretty big way. Dissecting what that did to me:

-I learned that there's no sympathy for people like that (like me) and for some time I was actually scared that I might be a sociopath because I developed the ability to just not care, like there was some switch and I found a way to turn it off.

-I learned that I don't matter to people. I heard people talk about how they could never just ignore someone when they have no friends but those were some of the same people who saw me standing there and had absolutely no emotional reaction to seeing someone on the brink of panic attacks or on the verge of giving up and they didn't even flinch. If they can't handle seeing someone in pain and don't have even an inkling of emotion when they see me...they're not the problem, I am.

-I learned to avoid groups all together or to show that I don't want to be in groups.

-I learned to hide from social situations and eventually I learned to hide from situations that hurt me the same way, even when it wasn't as bad as I thought it felt like it to me and it hurt the same as if it was the worst case scenario.

-I learned to shut down when an overwhelming amount of emotional weight hit me the way it did then.

     And these are just a few things that I unintentionally leanred from those seemingly small moments. Those teachings have bled into areas of my life that I am told regularly "You need to just stop." except there's no second part to those commands, the part that explains how to 'just stop' and I'm left learning that I'm not good enough even stronger...like a terrible truth on steroids. HULK SMASH all over me again and again.

Meditation

     I'm still here.

That's not just an introduction to my week's thoughts or some topic I have been thinking about, it's...a sad and true statement that I considered not being able to type. I'm sorry for this but the truth is the past few weeks have put me on the edge of a metaphorical cliff. One that I thought I was away from, err further from, and I considered giving up.

     I'm not proud of that last paragraph, just having to admit that made it easier to think about giving up and harder to be able to type "I'm still here."

     This drawing is one I created recently during a very positive message by a close friend and my current (soon to be former) pastor. The message was uplifting and led me to think about my beliefs and how they should be stronger...but this was lurking in the depths of myself and for those of you who do not interpret this, I'll explain it.

             This picture depicts everything being dead no matter what. The red circle is 

life and it's meant to be positive and healing and loving but that one thing that is trying 

to help and wants to help and is made to help is being hit by lightning, the trees and 

the roots and the little things that grew naturally were born sick and came up 

like zombie plants. And the only thing they have to look forward to is watching that 

one helpful thing either being hurt for trying or watching it leave; all hope is 

either killed or abandons the nearly dead plants. The X's are hatred, negativity, 

soul sucking sadness ready to drag anything and everything into the ground 

to exist with only misery...that's the full meaning of this piece of art.

     I'm not saying this to gain any sympathy, I'm attempting to grow from this recent attack on my inner most pain. Today (Thursday, October 11th 2018) I started meditating. I want to learn to focus all the stress and all the distractions and all the negativity/things/people trying to hurt me away from my heart. I did what every millennial would do (I'm not one but I live in their world so...) and I searched on YouTube for meditation videos. 

I found a 3 video series by a channel called 'Picking Up Limes' and watched them; the first 2 were okay and helped me focus and start to calm down but the 3rd one brought a thought up that made me really examine something about me. 

     Every single act I commit, I commit with as much strength as I have behind it. I thought about how I play and have played forever: when I used to go into the ocean, I played this silly game in my mind where I was superman and the waves were thrown at me by some super villain...and before you ask, yes I still do this at 36 years old...it was goofy and it was for funzies but when the waves hit me, I stood up with my chest puffed out and out strength'd each wave.

     This is silly, right? Just something most kids do, right? Probably and by itself there's no problem...but...then there's my other activities. I played sports, only against those better than me so I could become better. This was how I saw and treated everything and still do. When I get up in the morning,mentally I'm telling the morning, "I'm going to beat you! I will overpower you and NOT lose!" and then I get to work and in my mind I tell each rude customer or each negative situation, "You WILL NOT beat me!" and with this mentality, I'm emotionally drained by like 9am.

     I try to outwillpower everything from making breakfast to catching the train to answering the phone (one of the hardest things for me) to talking to random people to little things like staying focused on my daily check list and not getting distracted by whatever pops up throughout the day. Each thing I do, no matter how small, takes way too much emotional strength and then if something that takes actual strength comes up, I'm half exhausted already. And of course I power through that tiredness and do whatever I hav3e to do and have EVEN LESS energy for the next thing.

Now take that and add the fact that I don't know how to re energize myself in the long term and you have a person who gets to a point of thinking, "I can't do this anymore." Just like me...recently.

     So I tried to not be impatient and meditate. I was of course impatient and didn't meditate at first. But after a little while I did it and got the desired calming down that I needed right now. I also recently started using an app called headspace, which I have now used for 2 days...out of about 15. Not great but it's a start. My plan is to use it in the morning before work for 3 minutes a day and then on days off have longer more dedicated meditation times.

A few days ago, I had it in my head that by December I wouldn't be here to make future plans and I want this to be one of few things I put my full strength behind in my attempt to conquer it. The only way I can do this is through prayers, consistently refocusing and finding a new mentality to living my life. 

I am writing this with goals in mind and I want to look back on this someday and remember the lows I'm living through now then be able to say "I'm still here."

Goals:

     -To meditate everyday for one week (today counts as day 1 so I've already got one day down)

     -To keep learning to heal from things that seem to have permanently damaged me

     -To keep making plans for the future, even if it's just tomorrow or later today; truly suicidal people don't want to think about the future, so I want to keep that as a focal point in my mind.

     -To find a new way to center myself when I lose control of situations (multitasking moments destroy my world)

I implore anyone reading to feel free to contact me anyway you can at any time and ask me about these goals; holding this kind of pain inside and not sharing it is a big factor in that 'I give up" feeling, I want to NOT let that dwell in the front of my mind. Thank you for reading and please let me know if you ever go through these kinds of things.

Problems With No Solution

     So today I sat in my room all day, didn't attempt to hurt myself or sit here and hat eon myself till I wanted to die but I did do something that I don't know how to handle. I sat here, on my bed and felt scared. Scared to leave the room, scared to do something, scared to not do anything...just scared. I don't know why and I don't know what to do to work on that.

First thing is I have a problem being seen. I have no idea why or where that comes from. My room mate, who  is my land lord and a very good guy, is in his living room often and for I-have-no-idea-why I feel terrified to leave when he's there. I know for a fact that at worst, he'll ask how I'm doing.

I've lived with some not decent people and I've lived with some of the greatest people I have ever met, the thing in common is I have had this same problem. I lived with a family of people that did not judge me on a daily basis but there were many days that I felt like there was a brick wall keeping my door locked and I had no way to open it. They were cheerful, polite, helpful and I was terrified of them at times.

     I've been trying to identify the things that keep me in the dark places emotionally/mentally and usually I at least know what I need to do; I just don't know how to work through this. I mean, I know "Just go outside. Just walk out and beat that feeling." but I can't explain how many times I've walked to my door and just could not turn the handle.

     I do know that being heard or seen scares me. I do know that the feeling of being seen the moment I walk into someone's view makes me want to throw up sometimes or it just hurts to interrupt anyone. Like I feel like I'm a little kid and I'm getting in someone's way with everything I do. Other times, I feel that same feeling I get when I did something wrong and I don't know how bad they're going to punish me. This is the feeling:

          When I worked at a previous job, one specific day I pretended to not know I was on schedule and I was in Philadelphia with a bunch of friends. So I got a call and answered, saying I misread the schedule. Said boss was irate and told me to be in within a half hour and my response was, "I'm hours away with no way to get back." I heard the phone click and I went about my day, I already was in as much trouble as I could be so I enjoyed the rest of my time in Philly. My next work day though, I walked in feeling like I was a talking mouse trying to not be caught by scientists or something. I was so scared to clock in and do my job, rightfully so.

That feeling, waiting for that exact boss to see me for the first time that day was the same gut feeling I get sometimes when just walking out of my room.

     So now I am sitting here looking back at a completely wasted day and I'm angry that I barely did anything I needed to or wanted to do. I did a very little bit of cleaning but could have done a lot more. And this is part of a psychological deeper issue that I hope to understand more abot and figure out how to work on the root of it.

     If you analyze things, help me out. If you pray, pray for me. If you worship satan...I don't want help from him but I appreciate any kind owrds from you. If you're a Penguins fan...there's no hope for you, I'll pray for you. Thanks everyone.

Fan, You're About to Get Hit

    As I look around my world,  I feel that

"How did I get here? 

I'm not actually here, am I" 

kind of feel. Life keeps going and days rmble on like a boulder rolling down a small unimpressive hill; the ironic thing is every day seems to drag on forever but at the end of it, it feels like seconds ago I was just waking up and then in a heartbeat, it's four days later. I often see time as a haze of interesting things and boring empty days of the week and terrible vengefully bad days...and a few solid good times too, said I reluctantly. 

     This is as poetic as I will get, I promise. The cold hard thruth is I often just want the day to end and it never seems to make anything better when it does. Ya know that thought, "Tomorrow is a new day. Just as long as THIS day is over." well that thought is my refuge from my black cloud of a life but it doesn't restart anything. The same bad stuff, negative thoughts, unending bad luck and awkward attempts at being less than bitter/sad happen; I do have good times and I do have some good luck but the ratio kills me. 

 The example of my luck I think of regularly is:

     Living the life I do, getting a great deal on a tractor trailer 

would be really great...but will do nothing for me at all. 

So while it could be a blessing, it's not to me. At all.

     I don't try to ignore blessings and good things, I really dont. Every time  something good comes along that isn't helpful, I try very very hard to take the menaing behind it or extract the heart it came from or even just accept it graciously. And I know this is going to sound very bad to people who believe in God's love but everyday I believe less and less that he loves me...likes me...cares at all...isn't making fun of me or putting me in situations where I will lose. 

     I understand the principle of recieving things, being gracious with small things could lead to getting greater things. But here's how it feels to me:

God: Hey there...you.

Me: Umm, Hi. I need some help.

God: Oh? oh, yeah. I know that...everyone needs help. What do you need?

Me: Well, I need some love and a lot of money. Well a lot to me, enough to cover rent and eat and buy the things I need. And I need a way to make my head better, I'm kinda messed up from birth and it doesn't get better when stress only gets stronger every single day, I could use some kind of break from that, maybe something to restart my battery. 

God: Ah. Yeah...yeah, I see what you mean. SO you need money to live andsomeone to love you and accept you and you need things? That's not too much for ME. 

*God reaches down*

Me: Well thank you...umm, I don't want to sound disrespectful...but this is a nickel. I appreciate it...but I need $500.00 a month just for rent and I make enough to cover that...but I need to eat and, like, do things all the time.

God: Be thankful for what you have.

Me: My bike just broke, a nickel won't pay for that.

God: So you aren't gracious?

Me: Umm...I am gracious but the gift isn't enough. and while I was just thinking about that, my pants ripped, I lost my hat and gloves, I got sick and the otehr day I nearly killed myself because it's just too overwhelming for me...ca I get some more help? Please?

*God reaches down again*

Me: Is this a pen? It's...it's a nice pen but this solves literally nothing. In fact now I have to take care of this expensive looking pen. AND while I was sitting here, I got evicted from where I was living and I accidentally insulted someone I didn't even intend to speak to and now my job is on thin ice. That adds a ton of more stress that I couldn't handle before...how does this help?

*God reches down, this time with a little annoyance*

Me: Well thank you. Thank you for the one free meal. I really appreciate that.

Me: But what about my bike? Or my living situation? And I know I've been denying this for, well, all my life but I need to be honest with everyone about my gender issues.

God: I've taken care of all that.

Me: Really??

God: No, but I did make you think I did for a little bit. Are you stress free now? For a few minutes, you didn't have those life affecting, heavy, potentially dark things to think about. You're welcome.

Me: WHAT ON EARTH!!! BUT NOTHING CHANGED AND I STILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL OF THAT DARK STUFF! SO WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP ME IN A REAL WAY??

God: I lifted all those problems to let you recharge your battery.

Me: But you didn't actually change anything. I still need all those things AND NOW I've been accused of stealing money that I didn't steal at work so thats's EVEN MORE STRESS!

God: You are ungreatful, I'm going to punish you by taking your favorite sport away from you and pushing your friends away from you for a time. Oh and your still you so...punishment.

Me: And I can't end myself?

God: Nope, that would be wrong.

Me: So can I get some kind of REAL reward for NOT ending myself?

God: You're alive, that's reward enough.

Me: Umm...screw you!

God: . . .

Me: And my ONE family member that means anything to me just moved away...that's just great...can you replace that void in my life?

God: . . .

Me: And NOW I might have a heart condition. Great, thanks...I really needed that in my life. Oh and as much as I want to be angry anout everything, I gotta say thank you for the bike you found a way to get me.

God: . . .

Me: So...today I saw someone else do something really good. It helped a very little. Thanks. Umm...but I still have no friends around or a place to call my own...or enough money to eat food that's god for me...and I am still in need of serious mental help...and I may have a bad heart...and that bike just broke too. Sooo...little help? I was thankful, so that's something...right?

God: . . .

Me: Umm...God? It's me...the transgendered, hurting, empty, lonely, poor, suicidal individual that needs a lot of help.

God: . . .

Me: Welp...I'll be here slowly drowning in my own filth of a life if you need me...I'll accept pretty much anything at this point...You know I was ignored all through highschool and it makes me hateful to be constantly ignored, like I can't even help that. ou would know, you put me in that awful school with tose awful people and gave me no support through family or friends or any hope that anything would get any better...just saying...as I drown slowly...

God: You're ungreatful. PUNISHMENT!

Me: At THIS point...whatever. Punish me. Whther I try to do good or bad, I get the floor taken from me the exact second I feel comfortable. Every.Damn. Time.

God: . . .

Me: Great...ignored...again...Good thing nothing has gotten better, cause if not this might be bad psychologically.

Me: Ok...things got worse.

Me: Not even kidding...things are like scary bad right now. I'm not asking for like a lot, just SOMETHING.

Me: Fuck me.

God: You don't believe I love you. Punishment, this is gonna hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.

Me: Are you kidding me?! So I have to be flawless to get any help? By the way...tonight I nearly died. It's only because I didn't want to hurt my friends that I didn't.

     Okay, I could go on a lot more but I think this thoroughly serves the purpose of expressing how I feel. I want to believe things are not this way and I want to have hope that things will get better, I really do. I know I've gotten through some crazy times and made it out but the tank is near empty and I am running out of ways to beg strangers and friends for help; they're getting a little tired of it too. To the credit and amazing care of my friends, I cannot thank each and every one of them enough. To the friends who have spent time talking to me or letting me rant to the friends who have sent me things to the many many rides and rooms they've offered to the friends who have spent their energy on me...I thank you from the bottom of my slwoly draining heart. You're the only reason I'm still here right now to type this very diary entry.

Help

       For many of us in society, opening up about needing help is not only hard to do but it's not even an option. We always feel like it's a shame upon our names to say, "I am not okay and I need help." Like it's a sign of immaturity to not be able to handle some of the very scary or impenetrable obstacles we face in life. 

Phrases like "Man up" or "Pull yourself up by the boot straps" are thrown around in a way that says you're wrong if you can't do it all yourself. It's seen as a weakness if someone can't take care of everything thrown at them and they're looked down on or in some cases, they feel like that's happening even if it's not.

     I recently had to be told that I need to reach out for help and while I know I need help, I get caught up in thinking, "If I ask for help, I'm gonna be an even bigger loser than I already am." Which is a part of why I need the help I need. 

     I don't say this because I ever lie on here but to express that I'm about to be more blunt about something, can I be real for a moment? Okay I will, thanks.

I have suicidal thoughts and sometimes feel like everyone would be better off if I wasn't around. I also get so overwhelmed by work or things I have to do or by the fact that I am so far behind in life or by migraines (which lately I've been getting almost daily) or by the fact that I am a slow learner or by the fact that sometimes I can't do simple things because of anxiety. All of these thoughts and more have attacked me very hard in the past and even as recent as today (Monday September 25th 2017 in case you're reading this in the future). I also have trouble believing God is on my side (I believe and have seen the effects of God in most of my friends' lives so it's not like He doesn't exist)

     I'm saying all this because I want to be open with my vulnerabilities and say openly that I need help, I don't think for a second that I am too good to ask for help. I need prayers, I need companionship, I need dinner sometimes, I need to be told I'm wrong sometimes, I need to be right sometimes, I need confidence, I need love, I need...etc.

We often guard ourselves so much, we try so hard to hide the vulnerable spots in our lives and souls but what does that really do? What does it help to act like we're great when we truly need to be fed or loved or...we just need help? I have learned to shed some of that culture and let my vulnerable heart be known but I still sometimes need to be told it's okay to seek help. 

     Let's all try to be honest more than we try to look like we're doing better than we are.

Have a Destiny or Go Home

     Do I know me? You'd think I would, right? Well a few years ago, I really thought I knew everything about me: my future, my plans, what I wanted and who I'd be around and what I'd be doing.

The funny thing about all that is if you go back a few years before that, I thought I had all those answers and they were all completely different. In fact, every few years going backwards I had a totally different set of answers I was sure about.
Going fart far back, I remember meeting a girl named Tiffany who I thought was my destiny. I was going to be a marine biologist and I was gonna live in Hawaii. Basically I was gonna be Adam Sandler from 50 first Dates, and this was when I was in 1st and 2nd grade (about the 1988-89 range) so I wasn't just copying from the 2004 romantic comedy.




     Then a few years later, I learned that I love Halloween makeup and horror movies and I was 100% sure that I was going to be the next great FX artist/makeup artist for Wes Craven. I did Halloween makeup for people a lot as a kid and started getting good enough at bruises to think I could have been famous...remember this was the mind of a 9 or 10 year old. Freddy Krueger never terrorized my nightmares but he sure made me want to create things that came from my crazy mind.

     Skip ahead a few years from then and I "knew" the girl I was gonna marry, "knew" my best friend Kevin and I would never stop hanging out, "knew" that I was gonna work for some kind of charity and make a great living at it and was going to live in Collingswood for the rest of my life. I had no doubt that I was right about my plan but it didn't even take a year for some of that to change. I became friends with a kid around the corner and we were inseparable for a while. Justin's family even

 kinda accepted me as one of their own for a little while. There was no way he and I were not going to be best friends for life (this was before acronyms...so yeah)

     Around 16, I wanted to run away and create a completely new life far from anyone I knew. I also wanted to have a sex change and live as a lesbian. At that time, it was mostly a fantasy because I thought I was as wrong as I could be to want the things I wanted. I hated myself and kept treating myself worse and worse. That may have been when I started mentally beating myself up, before that I was so focused on ignoring that part of myself that it didn't occur to me to hate myself. So I treated that like it was nothing more than a sexual desire and I "knew" that I couldn't ever tell anyone I secretly wanted to be known as feminine and pretty instead of manly and handsome. I "knew" that my life was going to be a lie and that I'd never be able to truly share my real self with anyone. More 100% truth that I would have fought with all my might if anyone questioned me. 

     Jump a bunch of years later and I was going to be a preacher and a photographer on the side. I "knew" I was going to marry a preacher's daughter and we had serious plans that couldn't possibly be broken. It was our destiny that we get married. We were half right, and that's the only thing that links us as a 'we'. She's married...to some guy somewhere.

          You see where this s going so I'll skip ahead to my current life. 

* On one hand, I believe that destiny is imaginary, I believe that all my plans fall through and I am finally being honest with people in my life about me. 

* On the other hand, I have trouble believing God cares about me. I used to think I was Ted Mosby...I was very wrong, I'm much more Toby Flenderson than I am Ted Mosby. I used to think I was going to find a career but now I struggle to keep a job, and not even in a 'I have some ailment that keeps me from doing the required work' kinda way,I'm talking about an "I can do it, I have the physical ability to do the work but my passion for doing anything is at an all time low' kinda thing. And I am currently a few weeks away from starting my transition, which is one of the only things I'm happy about in my life. 

     So to sum all the many words up, I believe in a lot less than I did before. But I'm still here, I'm still trying to try. And I still have a teeny tiny itty bitty hope that things can somehow end well for me.

That

is

all