Unintentional Learning

     I have this memory, from whenever I was in school and I walked into a lunch room. Not just one specific time but many, many times throughout many different schools and across so many stages of my life. I would walk in to a full or filling lunch room and see groups of friends sitting down; talking or laughing or showing each other something they think their friends like. Kids would walk in behind me and be called to, motioned to sit next to friends. I'd see some kids sitting down without being asked, because they didn't have to be called over or ask to sit down and I remember watching that be cool with whomever they sat by.

...then there was me...

Each second became harder, somehow, to find a place to belong. I tried so hard to just be invisible so I could survey the area without being noticed. But as I have learned, I can't will myself to be unseen. I felt the awkward pouring over me, I felt kids' eyes hitting me and I felt the panic of the fact that even though I looked out of place; like I just needed ONE person (not friend, because...what's that) to pity me and ask me to sit with them...they didn't care.

All that I just explained took seconds, maybe a minute in real time but to me every single time that happened it was longer than any clock had to show. And it wasn't the fact that I was awkward that hurt so much, it wasn't that I needed to sit or even that I had no friends (most of the time at least) It was the fact that no one cared enough for real to help me out of that misery. Even people who claimed to be 'my friend' didn't care if I was going through those torturous moments.

So I learned that I was able to make myself invisible. My superpower, right?! There were times when I would stand in a corner of a cafeteria, lean against a wall and eat my lunch and not one person would say a word to me. I wish I could say this is just a metaphor or an exaggerated example of things that happened but this has happened to me many times, in real life. And it hurt worse every time I went through it.

     If that was just a memory and I was hurt but learned from it, that's cool. But it affected me in a pretty big way. Dissecting what that did to me:

-I learned that there's no sympathy for people like that (like me) and for some time I was actually scared that I might be a sociopath because I developed the ability to just not care, like there was some switch and I found a way to turn it off.

-I learned that I don't matter to people. I heard people talk about how they could never just ignore someone when they have no friends but those were some of the same people who saw me standing there and had absolutely no emotional reaction to seeing someone on the brink of panic attacks or on the verge of giving up and they didn't even flinch. If they can't handle seeing someone in pain and don't have even an inkling of emotion when they see me...they're not the problem, I am.

-I learned to avoid groups all together or to show that I don't want to be in groups.

-I learned to hide from social situations and eventually I learned to hide from situations that hurt me the same way, even when it wasn't as bad as I thought it felt like it to me and it hurt the same as if it was the worst case scenario.

-I learned to shut down when an overwhelming amount of emotional weight hit me the way it did then.

     And these are just a few things that I unintentionally leanred from those seemingly small moments. Those teachings have bled into areas of my life that I am told regularly "You need to just stop." except there's no second part to those commands, the part that explains how to 'just stop' and I'm left learning that I'm not good enough even stronger...like a terrible truth on steroids. HULK SMASH all over me again and again.

August 1st 2018 My Story About My Gender

     I want to talk about what I think is going on with me in the area of my gender. I am making a disclaimer first though:

     This is ONLY and SPECIFICALLY about me I do not believe or endorse the thought that there's only one reason anyone could end up choosing to transition or call themselves transgender. And while I openly admit I don't believe everyone who calls themselves trans is, I do fully support the freedom of people to do what they want as consenting humans and based on my personal experience I know there are people who can lead a more peaceful life once starting their transition. None of this is meant to insult or make anyone else's situation seem like less important in any way... We're all in this world together. This is my story.

     So my basic unexpanded story is: when I was a little kid I felt wrong, out of place and I constantly made a fool of myself whenever I said I liked the things that I liked. If I told a friend I liked the color
pink or wanted to learn fashion rather than play with GI Joe's it was as if i had committed full treason. And any time I even attempted to do anything feminine as a kid, any parental units in charge of me
would immediately do whatever it took to keep me away from whatever it was I did.

Instead of ever trying to deal with it, it became a hush hush thing, swept under the rug and never talked about it acknowledged in any way. Ignore it till it isn't real anymore.

     I believe I was born deficient or deformed in a way and that was not created or taught to me in any way. I wasn't sexually abused and I do not believe it was a 'mistake by God' I believe just like many other things that happen, this has a purpose and wasn't a coincidence. God made me strong enough to last through all the terrible stuff I've made it through (and let me stress that it was NOT me that made it through anything, I wanted to give up every step of the way) I was brought through things like  being left by family and being ignored and made fun of and hurt by even my closest friends.All of that had a purpose, it made me able to handle something big.

     The second part is the effects of things that have happened to me. I mentioned that parental units tried to keep me from anything feminine that I ever even looked at. Looking back, it was almost stereotypical, a little boy plays with his sister = fine. He plays with his sister's Barbie's even 2 seconds after she walks away = the end of the world.

     Just one example of many of course but those kinds of things made me feel like I was the worst thing on earth for liking the things I liked and wanting to be in any way feminine and it in turn opened my eyes to what was feminine and 'not allowed' and what was male and what was 'appropraite for me'

Growing up with that absolutely instilled in me the need to protect my true self and hide who I really am. (Side note, I had serious thoughts that I was a psychopath or the same as people like Ted Bundy because I got so good at hiding who I truly was that I started to not feel . I later understood that being scared of that thought and having a working conscience was a big factor in me NOT being the same as Jeffrey Dahmer-like psychopaths)

So...years later, multiple suicide attempts, many depressive episodes,loss of friends and abandonment of some family members, awkwardness in public many times, certain friends and family sticking with me,doctor's visits, beginning to see what's it's like to not have that weight of hiding at all times, learning at least a few friends who I can be comfortable being myself around, releasing some of the deep pain I've carried around since I was little, being open more and more till it's not a secret in any way and starting laser removal treatments...that's all it took to get where I am now. Basically.

...but that's all.

     

     So this is my story, I have plans to make this the beginning of a great one and I want to hear your story. Doesn't have to be about gender or anything traumatic. I'm all for hearing what some consider mundane or drama free or wild and crazy or not great or great. Please reach out if you feel suicidal or you're going through depression, you're worth so much more than ending that way and you deserve something special. Let me hear your story

Social Learning

     So I've been thinking about how I react to confrontation, specifically confrontation that comes from leadership or someone trying to intimidate me. Right or wrong kinds of intimidation doesn't really matter in this context, we all have had times where someone tried to scare us with their authority but how I react is what I want to focus on.

I've had multiple times within the last few years where a boss has stood in front of me and point blank tried to intimidate me and my reaction has been one of an inability to back down or cower. I do not disrespect those bosses, I don't mean anything like that; I've learned along the way to assess the situation and choose how to not back down from a situation.

     One thing I am very good at is remembering embarrassing times or times I regret something, (I know, I know, I know everyone remembers embarrassing moments but just hear me out) I have a habit of taking a not-ideal time and applying it to future moments. You want an example? Alright.

I had the chance to meet one of my celebrity crushes, Emily Kinney, and while I didn't expect her to drop everything and marry me or anything I did want to leave a better impression than I did.

     The scene is set: I'm in line to meet Emily Kinney, I'm nervous, fifty people ahead of me, I'm thinking "what do I say?", forty people, I should give her some cheesy pickup line or have some fact about her that most wouldn't, thirty people, fifteen people, I'm trying not to look like I want to throw up, I get my camera ready and beg the guy behind me to take pictures for me, three people in front of me, I see her talking to other fans and cannot get over the fact that I'm about to meet a woman I have been obsessed on my 2nd favorite TV show and then...I'm next...I take a second and look at her with absolutely no words coming out of me. She smiles at me and I elegantly say the most poignant thing she's heard all day...is what I wish happened. Nope, that's not what happened. I look at her, take a deep nervous breath and blurt out...wait for it..."I'm a big fan. huh huh huh." She took a picture with me and THE ONLY THING that redeemed that moment was this, just as she was about to move on to the next 'big fan' I stopped and said, "Wait! Can I get a hug, please?" She smiled and gave me a hug.

     It was a cool memory, one that I'll look back on fondly...but it's also something I'll look back on and laugh at myself. How could I say, "Uh...I'm a big fan." Like, DUH. Of course I'm a big fan, I just stood in line for hours to take a picture with her!?

The thing I learned there was that I'm not good on the spot when I'm nervous and I learned to have a phrase that I can say to celebrities at Monster Mania so that I don't say dumb things. A few years later, I met another celebrity crush, Kristy Swanson, and I was probably more nervous then. She was so cool and I said, "How do you like this event?" and she told me she'd been to a few cons and that opened up a conversation.

I started saying that or something close to that every time I met a celebrity and that started a conversation, it helped me keep calm and not fangirl out. And that made me think about how I can best use that information in my daily life; If I plan out some little go-to things or phrases, I can reduce some of my anxieties.

     Now to bring the story back from the rabbit hole, I learned from one situation and applied it in the future. I'm trying to learn now how to take situations where I'm confronted and figure out how to handle them correctly in the moment instead of doing the wrong thing THEN doing the right thing the next time.

I know it's not some deep super meaningful nugget of knowledge, sometimes growing isn't all explosions and bursts of greatness all at once. This is something I've been thinking about for a few days and something I want to get better at, mainly learning when to be forceful and sound confident (I say 'sound' because I'm very very not irl) and when to be quiet and when to be loud...etc.

     Quick life update:

*I got my second dose of estradiol which means I've taken just about 3 months worth so far and I see emotional changes but vey very little physical...still. I have been really happy with how things have been with everyone at work and almost everyone I've shared this part of my life with, I love when people call me Layla; I'm making plans to legally change my name as soon as I can.

*I'm working on organizing my life, small steps at a time. So if you talk to me, I am always looking for how others organize their life in just about any way.

*I have been adding makeup to my daily life little by little and that's interesting. I want to murder babies when I get mascara in my eye but othe rthan that, I love it. It's amazing finally letting out the girlie side of me that I'v ebeen locking away for so long.

*This A.D.D. thing has gotten out of hand, while writing this diary entry, I did about 95 distracting things and thought about...oooh butterfly --->

*One final question: If I made videos detailing my thought and journey, would you watch them? Would you rather read or watch? Comment and let me know.

From Good to Bad in a Flash

     I finished my previous entry early in the morning and thought to myself, I think things could actually work out...

                           ...my stupid fault.

     Every time I think I'm going to be okay, something absolutely destroys everything that I am comfortable with. If I'm dating someone, she breaks up with me or I find out she cheated or is a psycho. If I start liking where I live or who I'm living with and I'm not having trouble paying for it, the landlord will lose the property and I'm out. If I feel loved, I'll hav eto deal with bugs that make EVERYONE step far away from me. Literally every time I have ever thought that somethign was good, that's the exact moment that it crashes and it's always on my head.

     I have to find a place to live by Christmas...like I didn't have enough reasons to hate holidays. This is 2nd Christmas in a row that has been plagued with having to find a place to live.

     I wish I could say there's an easy answer or that I believe things will end well. I wish I could...

My Journey

     Okay friends and new friends, I am taking a new journey in my life and I am more and more aware of what this means almost everyday. Even days when things seems molasses slow, I learn something new and interesting. I'd like to take a little bit of time and share a few things I'm learning:

     I am learning that transitioning for myself is something that requires a MASSIVE amount of
patience. I need to be patient with my close friends, with strangers who could either be intentionally rude or just accidentally say or do something, I need patience for waiting for Dr's appointments, for learning how to live the way I can be comfortable and a lot more.

I have always tried to be a patient person especialy when dealing with others and I'm not bragging here but I've always been a little bit better at being patient when someone else is involved. But I am learning how to stop in the midst of impatient situations like waiting for appointments or waiting for things to take effect and calmly let things come as they come.

     I am learning how to love. This one is hard.I thought I knew what love was and tried to display that, and sometimes I got it right but a lot of the time I got it wrong. I thought love was mainly
romantic and PDA and if you don't do that (especially if you're not in a romantic relationship) then you're not showing or using love fully. Before opening up about my journey, I did use love correctly with my friends and their families but not being in a relationship I saw that as a failure.

And through this I'm learning that love is a lot more than that, I'm also learning that I am not a failure for not being married. Love is a lot more than romance and I am a complete newb at using this the way I should. Loving people who may not agree with me, showing love to people who intentionally choose to be rude to me and showing love for those who don't understand are a few areas that I'm learning how to be better at.

Now don't mistake this for me letting people say whatever they want, I am a human being and deserve basic human rights just like anyone else. I also treat others moreso how they treat me with some grace because even rude people should get a little grace. Showing those who I think don't deserve grace is another area I am learning to show real love. And that takes a TON of patience (OH I read the part up above!)

     As a 2nd part to my last point, I am learning daily how people who love me actually do love me.
Some of my firends have been put in a very hard place recently because of my situation. Some of them immediately were on board with me and whether they agree with my decision or not, they didn't even have to think about whether to be my friend or support my decision or not.

Others have been trying to understand what it means to be trans and what they believe. And if you haven't read it, read my entry about being a friend vs being supportive because it is important to know that not supporting your friends when you think they are doing the wrong thing DOES NOT mean you're not a real friend. So the friends who are trying to come to terms with what they believe has been very hard, specifically for the ones who wer eclosest to me.

I bring them up because they have been very very loving in all of this and that's been amazing. I recently told a friend about my situation, a friend I thought would not speak to me again after reading the message I sent him. His response blew me away.

Once upon a time, when I thought I knew everything, I would have been offended and wouldn't want anything to do with you. I don't know everything any more. tbh, it would be weird seeing you as a woman but I think it is safe to say that it's nothing compared to your inner conflict. I'm not going to pretend to understand but I can at least understand that it isn't easy and for that at least I can sympathize.

This was his response and it means the world to me that a person that I kinda always saw as a person who has arrived, someone who doesn't need to grow or can't really learn much a tthis stage in his life has shown that he is still learning. And this is just one friend, I have been beyond blessed by the friends I have even from before becoming a Christian. I have to mention one close friend who I've known since the 3rd grade who again showed me just how great a friend she is, I told her and she not only accepted me as I am going to be but has been checking up on me and genuinely caring about me. I'm blown away by that love.

     I've been learning that this is my path in life, and to accept it and embrace it with God is starting to take weight off my shoulders that I've been carrying for a very long time. I recently started feeling a very little bit of emotionally weight kinda lift off me. It was a very little bit but that's a little bit that helped me and I am trying to learn what it means to accept what my life is and embrace that.

I am a transgendered person who has always been a peace maker, who has never felt like there was a place for me anywhere and accepting this as my legitimate path makes all the failures of not getting married when it logically made sense or not getting certain jobs that I took as a loss...etc. All thes ethings make sense now because I have chances by accepting my life as Layla that I never would have had and that feels weight liftingly happy. Yes, I make up words, accept it.

     And finally I've noticed something small but very interesting about life.
So I started painting my nails, usually some form of either pink and black, blue and purple or orange and black and I get complimented regularly from a specific type of people. This is not about race or sexual oreientation so please don't take this as me judging anyone, I'm actually fascinated by this observation and I hope it continues:
I've noticed that black woem and gay men say soemthing more than any other type of people. I look masculine so I get why gay men would say something but black women are always sweet about saying they like my nails and they talk about their choice of colors or what brand they like. I absolutely love when people talk about that because I absolutely love painting my nails and secondly because I haven't bitten my nails in months, before this I couldn't go 2 waking hours without biting them EVER. They're growing slowly, causing me to be patient but they are growing and I LOVE IT.

     Okay those are just a few observations and things I'm learning about my particular jouney of life and I hope that if there are any other people who eare on either side of these thoughts, they understand the other side and maybe learn a little bit from this.

Accepting My New Journey

     I have some thoughts that I'd like to share and hope that it resonates with someone...anyone really. I started this as a written journal in early 2012 as a way to release the negative emotions, the demons if you will, that have been heavily weighing me down for as long as I can remember. I thought I wanted to die but in truth, I wanted to live and be happy AND I thought I couldn't attain that so the next best thing is to end it all...incorrect, I know, but that's what I thought.

Through the years, I've learned a lot about my own mind and what some of the real issues are that plague me. One thing that has never changed is the nature of wanting to be a helper to people.

I've always had a go between nature that has guided my choices in friends and things I do. I haveconstantly tried to help the left out, the castaways, the black sheep. I even relate to peace making characters in tv shows, movies or books; for example, Benvolio from Romeo and Juliet (I read the book years before Leonardo made it popular so...extra credit for me) and Bull Shannon from Night Court (see my previous entry about characters I want to be like for a full description).

Those characters and a plethora of others are my favorites because they could pick one side but they feel the need to see things from both perspectives and try to help bridge gaps in enemies and I try my best to build bridges in everyday life ina  bunch of ways.

     I have a few examples of everyday bridge building that show my perspective.

I was working as a cashier andf a customer was not paying attention, an old woman's items came to a certain amount (I forge the exact amount so I'm making it up) it came to $12.83 and she would not look at me or respond to anything I said, things like, "Hello, how are you today?" or "Do you have a savings card with us?" 

So I told her the price and did my best to not sound angry when telling her the price of her stuff and waited for her to pay. She began rummaging through her change and I put my hand right next to her purse, clearly waiting for her to put the coins in my hand. My hand was directly under her hands and she moved away from my hands and rudely dropped the change on the counter, causing me to have imaginations of committing Looney Tune type voilence to her self. And mind you my imagination is very vivid so I was supressing it as much as humanly possible. 

Now I could have yelled at her, ignored it or done something back like wait for her to pick it up but I decided to take a second and restrain my mouth from yelling. Then I calmly said to her,"Ya know, when you throw change on the counter like that, cashiers take it as an insult. If you didn't do that, they would appreciate it very much." (again, my memory of the exact words are foggy but it was very similar to this) and she looked at me (for the first time in this entire exchange) and gave me a shocked look, as if I told her I ran over her newborn grandson and finished paying. 

Now I'm sure I should have ignored that but in my mind I was trying to explain in a calm manner to her that the act she performed was not the best way she could do that and a way to build a bridge between her and all cashiers. I truly meant all of that with positivity and care for her even though she complained to my manager. 

Numerous times I have talked to people who have the appearance of seeming uneasy with me in a  open way that shows them I see them as people and not just another customer. I try to make my words personal when I talk to people, making sure to listen and be aware of what others are doing or going through, it often benefits everyone involved. 

     Another giant example of me trying to put this peace maker thing into rpactice in my life is when I come across anyone in service of our country. When I see a police officer, a fire fighter or anyone who is or was in the service (when I know it, of course) I make sure to thank them for their service and tell them I appreciate what they do. That has shown to be a great decision, sometimes they say thank you and go about their business but sometimes they smile, thank me and look honored to be recognized. Those 

situations are worth every effort and they build a relationshiop between society and those people who may not specifically put their life on the line at any point butjust committing to do the job they do, that alone risks their life. 

     All of these examples ar emy way of showing that the gift I have is being a peace maker at heart, it's something that makes me feel like I am useful here on earth when I see it working somehow. 

It makes me feel like I am here for a reason when I'm in one of those situations where I'm able to help someone who looks or feels left out or build some bridge with someone somehow. 

Anyway, my point with all of this is that I have a place on earth and right now with me transitioning, I feel even more confident that I have a place wher I can not only be a peace maker but I can use my situation and my experience in church and with God to show transgendered people that theyr're people too even though they go through a lot of negative stuff.  

Being a trans person who is about to start my new journey, who is right leaning politically, who has been through as much as I've been through and who believes in God and Chritianity I feel there is a bridge that NEEDS to be built between anyone in the larger circles I'm starting to join or associate with and the church. 

I'm starting to feel like there is a reason for me here, finally. If indeed God has led me to this point in my life, I see why a lot of things didn't go the way I thought i wanted them to go throughout my life. And I am okay with a lot of those things, those things I saw as failure makes sense more now than ever before.