A New Chapter, A New Beginning

     So...I am entering a new chapter in my life and it's scary, interesting, terrifying and about a hundred other adjectives. What? You wanna know what led me into a new direction that will undoubtedly change the course of my entire life and being? Well, since you asked nicely: alriiiight.

Let me take you back in time not too long ago but just long enough to explain things.

     Imagine, if you will, a trans girl (biological male, for those of you who can't get past that fact. Yes I can admit that fact about myself, and yes I will be referring to myself as a trans girl. Deal with it) who works a retail job. Are you imagining it? Good, gold star for listening.

Now imagine that trans girl having issues with the position she's been placed in and rationally making it very clear to powers that be; Imagine she works very hard to make customers happy and also acknowledges that she has some issues that she needs to be better at (and is trying, successful or not...trying).

Stay with me, imagine that this trans girl has a few issues with customers who accused her of things that she did not do and the powers that be didn't even listen for a second to her side and made up their minds that she was guilty of these ridiculous claims before attempting (in the most fake and absurd manner) to get her side of said issues. And now visualize that this trans girl takes verbal rebuke. And then maybe two or three weeks later she has one more issue with a customer and the same result occurs.

At that point, trans retail worker starts trying harder to make it clear to the powers that be that she needs to be in another position, not by complaining or being rude to customers even though they are relentless at that imaginary retail place of business, but she jumps on the opportunity whenever she gets to do other positions so well that coworkers and other bosses take notice at just how good she did. So her attempts go noticed and powers that be say, "We'll get you off (the worst position that you're having trouble with) and get you in the position that you excel highly in."

A very happy trans girl takes those words to heart and when she doesn't get that position change, she tries to stay calm and thinks, "Okay, eventually (powers that be) will live up to their words and put me in other positions." and she happily continues in the worst position; the position that she has had issues with both from customers creating problems and through her having some trouble with her attitude/limit to being verbally treated very badly.

She tries to keep her head up and be positive even though weeks go by with powers that be not doing what they said...and then...a thing happens (or so she's told) that pushes trans girl to the very edge of her limits. A customer (it still has yet to be proven that this customer exists, but I digress) says they won't come to the particular retail store because of this talked about trans girl; it is said by the powers that be that trans girl "refused" to give this alleged customer something that trans girl has NO REASON to refuse, nor has trans girl EVER refused any customer ever.

In fact, trans girl takes offense to this claim because she takes great pride in giving customers the exact thing she was accused of "refusing" Upon being approached by the powers that be, she was not given the respect of being listened to when asked why she "refused" to give the customer certain service. Trans girl had taken the verbal punishment before and held back as much as she had in her but this, boys and girls reading this, was quickly nearing a breaking point.

So while being told (not asked or given any benefit of the doubt in any way; guilty until...nope, just guilty even though she absolutely wasn't) that she "refused" to give the service that she had never denied, trans girl wasn't able to hold her tongue enough and pushed the powers that be back verbally. She admittedly wasn't polite when told she did things she would never do; imagine trans girl was clearly frustrated beyond what someone should have to take from their powers that be.

Imagine that from that moment on, the powers that be decided to not only take things personal by not speaking to her and doing petty, incredibly odiously rude things like talking about trans girl on social media websites then deleting her (yeah, trans girl was friend requested a while before by one power that be and while still "friends" powers that be posted trash talk about trans girl, specifically mentioning things about her in very childish, rude words)

Along with being treated like less than every other employee by certain powers that be, trans girl's hours went from about 35-37 to 13 in the span of two weeks. That's a very drastic slash in hours and over the next three schedules, those hours went from 13 to 11 down to 7, respectively. So trans girl decides things need to take a GIGANTIC step towards a new chapter in her life...and here we are in the present.

From those powers that be deciding to do everything they can to make her miserable to cutting her hours drastically

     (on more than three different occasions they cut HER hours 

even though other coworkers did blatant things that could 

have deserved having their hours cut, like cursing at 

customers and not showing up for their scheduled shifts 

regularly...but those powers that be didn't show ANY 

bias whatsoever...none. Just sayin)

     I hope you enjoyed my story and I hope it has a happy ending some day in the near future, at least for trans girl...nah, I'm not good at hating on most people so I truly hope the powers that be find a way to be happy too and treat others with respect and dignity in the future. I'm pretty sure that those specific powers that be chose to be exactly that way to trans girl and not to anyone else so maybe by her changing her course of life, she takes their negativity away from them  as much as removing herself from it. I also hope for no harm or bad karma to come to anyone involved.

Prayers, good thoughts and comments are welcome as always, thank you for taking the time to read my words.

A Sad Late Update

     So I'm still here. I say that a lot, I suppose that's a good thing though.

The last few weeks have been very trying for me mentally and emotionally, so saying I'm still here is a bigger thing than it sounds...I'll explain:

Let's start about a month ago, I found out some giant life changing news. Some very very close friends told me they decided to move far enough away that they're not going to be a part of my daily life anymore. They haven't exactly been a part of my every day daily life for a little while but the possibility of visiting them on any given day has been there for about 18 years.

Finding out they were even considering moving 2 hours away was mind blowing; but to find out they were considering it, have considered it, made the decision, found a new church and were looking for a new house was...whatever is a metric ton bigger than mind blowing to me. That both hurt and shocked me (not that they were doing something good for their lives, I was and am happy for their family growth. The hurt is specifically selfish and not knowingly not them hurting anyone on purpose)

     Then, I was hit at work very hard with a bunch of things that I won't get into for reasons but things have not been great there and I've been on a day-and-night constant anxiety scared roller coaster due to that. Oh, and that happened at the same exact time that I found out about my friends. So...great.

     THEN AT THE SAME FREAKING TIME, my health insurance through the state was cut off temporarily (thank you state for being awful and only using the slowest and most useless form of communication, mail) so I lost the ability to receive the medicine that has actually been starting to help me even a little bit. I wasn't able to take migraine medicine or anti depressants for about 3 weeks and that severely sent my emotions and ability to think straight out the window for long enough to drive me crazy. This, in part, affected my performance at work and made things hard on those around me there so that's a small part of that.

     So all of that happened and adding that I jumped from the pill form of estrogen to the needle form, which took a little bit of time to adjust to emotionally, made my last month torture.

Now let's go back and talk about the ramifications of all those things:

     My friends. SO my friends have moved, I helped them move and stayed at their new place the first few nights and even went to their new church their first Sunday. It was joyful to know they're going in the right direction but very very hard to know they aren't here anymore. And here is the selfishest part (I know it's not a word...accept it and move on) They do not approve of my decision to transition and part of their non acceptance is they are not in my friends list on Facebook.

That in itself doesn't mean much, Facebook is not the defining factor of a friendship; BUT...I now have no connection to them except texting, which anyone who knows me personally knows just how bad I am at keeping up that way. I don't get any updates about them or their lives and anyone who says they'll text every update to one person is lying. We'll eventually lose touch.

It's something they didn't want to acknowledge and I didn't want to ruin any of our final moments with but it's the truth. Friends who are in my life have said things to comfort me like they'll always be there for me but they are ignoring this fundamental thing. This wasn't a "See ya later." this was "Goodbye." to 5 of my best friends on planet earth.

     The emotional toll changing medicines take is beyond words, it affected every aspect of my mind and life. I wasn't able to think straight enough to do even small tasks without feeling like I was having a mental break down. And my anxiety/depression is not a small issue so to have that come back at full force was nearly life stopping, at least that's how it felt at all times.

I couldn't control my emotions, I couldn't stop the feeling of everything hitting me at once like an earthquake of fear and panic and chaos. I still don't feel what I would call 'good' but nothing feels as bad as that felt, when adding the trouble I kept getting in at work too.

     So after all that...I'm still here. Kinda numb, don't really feel alive or productive in any way...but still here nonetheless.

Unintentional Learning

     I have this memory, from whenever I was in school and I walked into a lunch room. Not just one specific time but many, many times throughout many different schools and across so many stages of my life. I would walk in to a full or filling lunch room and see groups of friends sitting down; talking or laughing or showing each other something they think their friends like. Kids would walk in behind me and be called to, motioned to sit next to friends. I'd see some kids sitting down without being asked, because they didn't have to be called over or ask to sit down and I remember watching that be cool with whomever they sat by.

...then there was me...

Each second became harder, somehow, to find a place to belong. I tried so hard to just be invisible so I could survey the area without being noticed. But as I have learned, I can't will myself to be unseen. I felt the awkward pouring over me, I felt kids' eyes hitting me and I felt the panic of the fact that even though I looked out of place; like I just needed ONE person (not friend, because...what's that) to pity me and ask me to sit with them...they didn't care.

All that I just explained took seconds, maybe a minute in real time but to me every single time that happened it was longer than any clock had to show. And it wasn't the fact that I was awkward that hurt so much, it wasn't that I needed to sit or even that I had no friends (most of the time at least) It was the fact that no one cared enough for real to help me out of that misery. Even people who claimed to be 'my friend' didn't care if I was going through those torturous moments.

So I learned that I was able to make myself invisible. My superpower, right?! There were times when I would stand in a corner of a cafeteria, lean against a wall and eat my lunch and not one person would say a word to me. I wish I could say this is just a metaphor or an exaggerated example of things that happened but this has happened to me many times, in real life. And it hurt worse every time I went through it.

     If that was just a memory and I was hurt but learned from it, that's cool. But it affected me in a pretty big way. Dissecting what that did to me:

-I learned that there's no sympathy for people like that (like me) and for some time I was actually scared that I might be a sociopath because I developed the ability to just not care, like there was some switch and I found a way to turn it off.

-I learned that I don't matter to people. I heard people talk about how they could never just ignore someone when they have no friends but those were some of the same people who saw me standing there and had absolutely no emotional reaction to seeing someone on the brink of panic attacks or on the verge of giving up and they didn't even flinch. If they can't handle seeing someone in pain and don't have even an inkling of emotion when they see me...they're not the problem, I am.

-I learned to avoid groups all together or to show that I don't want to be in groups.

-I learned to hide from social situations and eventually I learned to hide from situations that hurt me the same way, even when it wasn't as bad as I thought it felt like it to me and it hurt the same as if it was the worst case scenario.

-I learned to shut down when an overwhelming amount of emotional weight hit me the way it did then.

     And these are just a few things that I unintentionally leanred from those seemingly small moments. Those teachings have bled into areas of my life that I am told regularly "You need to just stop." except there's no second part to those commands, the part that explains how to 'just stop' and I'm left learning that I'm not good enough even stronger...like a terrible truth on steroids. HULK SMASH all over me again and again.

A Still, Small, Quiet

     So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my future plans and the oddest thing keeps happening: I've been having an unreasonably hard time dealing with life and stress and pain and emotional abuse from my past that keeps coming back up.

     Now I know what you're thinking (if you either know me or have read anything I've ever written/typed before). You're thinking, "WELL DUH!" in you most sarcastic tone. I'd call you rude if I didn't completely agree but let's get past that and focus on this next part.

I have been watching How I Met Your Mother and decided kinda randomly to look for things Josh Radnor has done. He hasn't done much by way of acting but I found a TED Talks he did and a few interviews he did; the ones I watched were over an hour long and were very interesting. (Stay with me, this isn't a rabbit trail...trust me)

     So he did an interview with someone about meditation, something I have never put any thought into or cared about, and it turned out to be profoundly deep. It's on youtube and I highly recommend searchi9ng for it, but here's something that it imprinted on my mind for the last few days that connects with the direction my life has been going for a while now.

Radnor talked about what people think they need as a whole, most people think they need organization or to free up time or more power. All of those things have been granted to society through technology and that's awesome...except...none of that is what we truly need. We need quiet. We need to calmly listen to the universe and let it guide us.

     He went into much more detail about that, the conversation moved to healing and how we heal by moving on but never ACTUALLY heal. And those two thoughts had a very big impact on me because I thought about my absolute inability to even spend a moment in silence. Even one second without sound of some kind can be torture to me.

My first thought was, "I can't do that because..." and a barrage of reasons I am exempt from even trying to entertain a moment of silence ran through my head like a freight train; each car carrying a heavy excuse.

Some of them were valid like my history of silence consists of some of the most horrible memories and acts of violence or hatred. So every time I hear complete silence, I think of those moments or expect something to happen. So before any silence occurs, I turn on some old sit com (HIMYM much?) or pandora.com.

Some of those reasons were just excuses and didn't even make sense like because silence means I am losing. Losing what, you ask? I DUNNO! Seriously, there's a part of me that tells me I'm a loser somehow if I let myself feel something during silence. Makes zero sense...ze-ro.

     And I could go through a ton more but I'll spare your eyes and brains but the final outcome is that even the true or solid ones aren't right. They're reasons to basically stay where I am, to stay safe and hide my eyes from what needs to be seen...or I guess a better way of saying it is I'm covering a giant gash and letting it fester instead of taking care of it. The worst part is it's not physical so festering can fester SOOO much more without anyone knowing till I attempt suicide or have some outburst or something. Sometimes I get so good at ignoring it, I don't even know it's there...but it is.

So I have a goal for my immediate life:

     I want to find a way to truly accept silence. I want to be able to sit in a room with no sound (physically and emotionally) and be okay. Some people believe in the universe or God or something else; I believe and know God and it's absolutely becoming clear that God wants me to search for a truly soul healing joy. I know I'm being led to find a way to be actually happy and to stop hiding any and all injuries from myself.

     Here's where I get away from the sit com and celebrity part of my thoughts and get to real life applications: I'm considering yoga, meditation or some kind of source of actual dealing with my issues and healing from them. My transition, while slow, has been a huge part of me being honest and adding some things back to my life that I thought I lost for good. That's great and I am excited to see where that takes me in the future but this is an absolute necessary part of any growth as well.

I will face some very very tough times through this and I will need some friends and people to lean on at times; I can't do this alone...but I can do this. I'm also looking for what other people do or have done to soul cleanse or find a way to be okay even in silence.

     If you've experienced any of these thoughts or needs in your life, let me know. I want to hear where you are and learn from you as I hope to some day pass on my knowledge to someone else some day. Because as I live my life, I'm not just an "I" we're all connected and the only thing we can do is help each other.

Some MORE Positivity to Focus on (Monday August 27th 2018)

     So one of the biggest things that has changed due to my transition internally is my introvertistic side has diminished vastly. That is the equivalent of erasing a few years of turning into an introvert by beating myself up in my own head, which can be a game changer in my life.

Past:
     I used to be an outgoing, openly friendly person. I used to be someone who had the potential to be the "life of the party" type of person, with little fear of embarrassment or worry of feeling awkward. When I was very young, I had some normal attributes and one was that I was happy-go-lucky or innocently extroverted...at least at some point for a little while.

     Slowly, my inability to be honest about myself to anyone forced me into my own head and caused some introverted issues. I built barriers between myself and any other humans (my pets and friends' pets knew everything) and with every awkward encounter or every hidden desire to do /be something I wasn't, those barriers got worse and worse. Depression, suicidal thoughts and so much fear started to take over my regular life and kinda quick too; much like a snowball rolling down a hill.

Present:
     I recently did something that took much (for lack of a better word) courage and it surprised even me. I went to my cousin's house and spent a few days with him and his family without being too afraid to be around them.

For the last decade plus, the thought of going somewhere I've never been before and doing something like playing a dancing game in front of people would have made me want to crawl into a hole and die before doing that. But because I've spent a few years now cleaning out the deep dark hidden pain of pretending to be this thing I'm not, I've been able to enjoy things like friends and just having fun.



Future:
     So I have been thinking about where I want to be in the future...and I still don't have a full answer yet. I know I want to be a positive force in this universe a positive force in a greater way than I was in the past. (I'm not completely sure what that means, it's mostly a feeling I have been having lately. I'll explain more when I understand better)

I know I want to identify as female, as Layla Lee Gilmore and eventually get to the point where people don't see me as "a trans person" or as VJ who's trying to convince people he's a chick; my hope is that people see that I am truly able to blossom going in the direction that I'm going now as opposed to where I have been for many many years. I know I want to be a patient person with even those who completely disagree with my choice to transition; I want to be someone who helps bring people together who normally wouldn't give each other a chance. Like a go-between for people who are dead set against the transgender movement and trans people like myself or supporters.

I have no idea what this will look like or where these thoughts will bring me, perhaps I'll work in retail and write blogs/make YouTube videos and only reach a tiny group of people. I don't know but I'm gonna try to figure it out as I go and hopefully I won't screw much up long the way.

     Either way, the future is going to come no matter what and I want to see what it brings.

A Milestone, Some Updates and a Move (August 6th 2018)

     So this week a milestone occurred, I'm coming up on a great great event and a move is coming for me very soon. Life updates and more are coming up...right about...wait for it...

Life update:

     I've been watching terrible movie series' and tv shows with my cousin on my projector and even
bad movies are fun when you're watching them on a GIANT screen. It's so easy to get so immersed in whatever we watch.

     And for the milestone, last week I asked my store manager if I could start wearing skirts at work and of course she said it's not a problem at all so I did that day. It felt so freeing and fun to take yet another step toward my goal of living and identifying as a female, as Layla Lee. Since that day, not one customer has said anything negative and a few have complimented my bravery for doing something that isn't exactly completely accepted overall quite yet and some have complimented the skirt. It's cute. <3

     The great event:

In 8 days I'm taking a trip with some friends that I'm so so excited about. We're going to North Carolina, 11 hours away where we'll stay in a cabin and have so much to explore and do and see! I'm so ready for that. And the best part is the trip is in the beginning of a 12 day vacation! I sooo need some paid vacation time.

     And the thing that I'm less excited about is that my landlord is moving and selling the house I've been living in for the last few months. He has  a place for me to rent in a basement so at least I won't be homeless but I will miss it here. I just want to live somewhere comfortably where I can have a washer/dryer, Internet and ability to accomplish my basic needs. Oh and I want to be able to set up my room to be a great theater, of course.

     This week I went to a few thrift shops and
have been starting to build my wardrobe up, I bought a few skirts, a purse and some shirts that are more appropriate for my future instead of my past.

     It's been such an eye opening experience starting to live my life the way I have always felt I should, regardless of what others think. This isn't about sex or about being cool or any other thing than me genuinely having peace in my own skin for the first time. With each step I take, I feel like I am gaining a small piece of myself that I lost before I even got to have it. I truly thank God for allowing me to get to where I am and giving me a chance to have a future that I am absolutely excited about.

     And lastly, lately I've had some thoughts on my mind about what it means to help others and what it means to me to be a help in this world to those who are suffering. So I have encountered many times in the last few weeks/months where someone has treated me rudely or has been angry or has lashed out towards me. I've found myself with a bunch of chances to get revenge on a lot of those same people but chose to try to help them instead. The feeling and fulfillment of the times where those people's day was made better because of me...that was priceless to me. And for the people who didn't respond, it hurts (sometimes so much more than it should) but it's worth it to get to those who need something good to happen. I love that and want to see where that kind of thinking leads me.

August 1st 2018 My Story About My Gender

     I want to talk about what I think is going on with me in the area of my gender. I am making a disclaimer first though:

     This is ONLY and SPECIFICALLY about me I do not believe or endorse the thought that there's only one reason anyone could end up choosing to transition or call themselves transgender. And while I openly admit I don't believe everyone who calls themselves trans is, I do fully support the freedom of people to do what they want as consenting humans and based on my personal experience I know there are people who can lead a more peaceful life once starting their transition. None of this is meant to insult or make anyone else's situation seem like less important in any way... We're all in this world together. This is my story.

     So my basic unexpanded story is: when I was a little kid I felt wrong, out of place and I constantly made a fool of myself whenever I said I liked the things that I liked. If I told a friend I liked the color
pink or wanted to learn fashion rather than play with GI Joe's it was as if i had committed full treason. And any time I even attempted to do anything feminine as a kid, any parental units in charge of me
would immediately do whatever it took to keep me away from whatever it was I did.

Instead of ever trying to deal with it, it became a hush hush thing, swept under the rug and never talked about it acknowledged in any way. Ignore it till it isn't real anymore.

     I believe I was born deficient or deformed in a way and that was not created or taught to me in any way. I wasn't sexually abused and I do not believe it was a 'mistake by God' I believe just like many other things that happen, this has a purpose and wasn't a coincidence. God made me strong enough to last through all the terrible stuff I've made it through (and let me stress that it was NOT me that made it through anything, I wanted to give up every step of the way) I was brought through things like  being left by family and being ignored and made fun of and hurt by even my closest friends.All of that had a purpose, it made me able to handle something big.

     The second part is the effects of things that have happened to me. I mentioned that parental units tried to keep me from anything feminine that I ever even looked at. Looking back, it was almost stereotypical, a little boy plays with his sister = fine. He plays with his sister's Barbie's even 2 seconds after she walks away = the end of the world.

     Just one example of many of course but those kinds of things made me feel like I was the worst thing on earth for liking the things I liked and wanting to be in any way feminine and it in turn opened my eyes to what was feminine and 'not allowed' and what was male and what was 'appropraite for me'

Growing up with that absolutely instilled in me the need to protect my true self and hide who I really am. (Side note, I had serious thoughts that I was a psychopath or the same as people like Ted Bundy because I got so good at hiding who I truly was that I started to not feel . I later understood that being scared of that thought and having a working conscience was a big factor in me NOT being the same as Jeffrey Dahmer-like psychopaths)

So...years later, multiple suicide attempts, many depressive episodes,loss of friends and abandonment of some family members, awkwardness in public many times, certain friends and family sticking with me,doctor's visits, beginning to see what's it's like to not have that weight of hiding at all times, learning at least a few friends who I can be comfortable being myself around, releasing some of the deep pain I've carried around since I was little, being open more and more till it's not a secret in any way and starting laser removal treatments...that's all it took to get where I am now. Basically.

...but that's all.

     

     So this is my story, I have plans to make this the beginning of a great one and I want to hear your story. Doesn't have to be about gender or anything traumatic. I'm all for hearing what some consider mundane or drama free or wild and crazy or not great or great. Please reach out if you feel suicidal or you're going through depression, you're worth so much more than ending that way and you deserve something special. Let me hear your story

July 16th 2018 Update and Thoughts

     Well, it's been oddly hard for me to put thoughts together so I'm gonna try to keep this one as to-the-point as I can.

Today is Monday July 16th, 2018. I've spent the last two days barely moving with a migraine, fever and nausea. I slept between Sunday at 1 pm til about Monday around 3pm, with a few times waking up to crawl to the bathroom. This has been the sickest I've felt since 2012 when I got a migraine that stayed with me for 3 days. 

     One thing that I remember was having a dream:

I woke up and went downstairs and suddenly I was in my uncle's house. Instinctively, I went to the kitchen and looked in the fridge for food (in the dream I was sick and hungry too). As I was searching the cabinets, like it was normal to be back there, my grand mom (who passed away in 2006) came in and asked if I'm sick. I mumbled yes and she started to make me cream of wheat. Then I heard my Uncle Mike (who passed away in 2012) in the living room taking to someone.

I felt so sick that I didn't  have the energy to think about where I was or who was around. It was like I knew they were both dead but I couldn't do or say anything till I felt better. I slightly broke through to my grand mom by saying  that I had something to tell her once I felt better but I woke up before that happened, I woke up. #Sad I miss them both a lot.

     Life updates:

- In 30 days, I'm taking a trip with some friends to a cabin in South Carolina. Three days of completely getting away from anything followed by about 5 days of paid time off! I'm super excited for that.

- I've been on estradiol for 6 1/2 months, there have been massive internal changes but very very little external changes, which has me discouraged. I have some barely noticeable breast growth and my stomach is becoming as round as a basketball even though I'm losing weight, that's really it. 

- My cousin and I have been having "Screen Time"  and absolutely love it! I have a projector, a screen and have been watching movies and shows on around a 100 inch screen! We've completely covered my windows so there is absolutely no light coming in and we're currently working on cutting the sound from being too loud outside my room.

- And finally my aunt has set up an appointment with laser hair removal, which is beyond painful and absolutely amazing! I had my first session with Vicky Rappaport of Expert Skincare by Victoria in Newtown, PA  I can't strress enough how great she's been with me and I'm looking forward to session #2 next week. 

https://www.expertvictoria.com/

A Rant and Life Updates (June 13th 2018)

     So I have a few updates and thoughts from the past few days, some good and some not so good. All one hundred percent true and from my heart.

I'll start with the recent public suicides. I first want to say that I hate hearing about anyone taking their own life and I want to find any way and every possible way to stop as many suicides that can be stopped. Whether it's public figures or poor people or from the US or any other country, I want to find more ways to help people who are hurting as much and quick as possible.

Now with that said, I am very upset about something that has nothing to do with the specific people who took their lives recently and absolutely has a lot to do with our society (at least the society seen on social media)

For anyone who would ever read this, there are possibly dozens or more people you know personally who struggle with giving up, who send some small potentially life or death signs out into the world that go unnoticed, but one famous person kills them self and everyone posts status' and tweets like they care...until some other news comes up and makes them forget.

     I'm not blaming anyone for the actions but I am saying that every time we make it a priority to talk about a celebrity but never even offer our friends in our own circle the chance to be that important to us, we perpetuate and keep this societal trend going...and it sucks.

I can tell you from experience that when I'm hurting and considering giving up, when I'm at my worst, it really hurts to hear close friends post multiple long dedicated posts and pictures about how their lives are changed based on the loss of a person they didn't know in a real way but never offer their real friends that same attention.

This is not an attack on any one person or an attempt to hurt anyone's feelings, I want people to think more about how much of an impact they can have on people who they actually have an impact on. Masking someone important even in a little way can be huge to them, it's free and not hard to be a little extra nice randomly.

...OK, with that out of the way, here's my life update.


So I've been taking depression medicine, estrogen, migraine medicine and allergy medicine. Sounds like a ton, right? It is. But here's the crazy thing, they're all working!



For months, I've needed to take Excedrin migraine every single day at some point because I'd feel one coming on; I haven't had to do that in almost a week, maybe more by now. And that's including a few extra stressful days at work too, big tests passed there!

Allergies have been debilitating for me and while I've still barely been outside much lately, I have been affected about 10% as much as the last few years. That's a ton when my eyes have swelled shut multiple times last year alone.

Depression is a different animal but there is still big progress since starting medicine. I have noticed that it's been easier to feel better emotionally, I've still had a few bad thoughts and bad days but not even close to the way it's been all my life before.

And last but definitely not least, the estrogen. I have noticed a very little teeny tiny bit of breast growth. While it's going so far beyond slow I guess I have to look at the positive way: it is working.

     As far as my mental state, I've had a few days where I was ready to give up and in the last month I have considered suicide a few times but the progress is I've been able to talk myself out of those
thoughts by thinking about my future and by the hope that I have in possibilities that are ahead.

I've also got back in touch with a few friends I thought were not willing to even talk to me and that's been a load off my mind. My group of friends mean and meant the world to me so to think about losing them hurts more than just about anything.




     So to finish this update, I want to share my current goals for Wednesday June 13th 2018:
* Thanks to my Awesome Aunt Caren, I'm going to work on some hair removal coming up soon!

* I'm starting to clothes shop (donations much appreciated), mainly skirts for now. I'm going to start wearing skirts to work

* I need to exercise and work on getting my weight down.

* Bible reading and praying needs to be much mor eimportant to me than it has been

* Organizing my room since I just bought a couch last week and I now have actual stuff to organize.

* I'm coloring my hair (today) and I might try to style it somehow

* I have a few writing projects and video projects that I want to work on.  I'm beyond the first step in both so I'm hoping to make progress on them soon.

* I'm trying to find a way to save money for something really big I want to do next year. Can't say what it is yet, don't want to jinx it.

Stress, Stress, Stress

     Stress does NOT feel pretty. I know...OBVIOUS. I'm not trying to bring some deep thought to the forefront of the world. Stress has such a hold on me that I have no idea how to even try to solve that.

When I was younger, the time I was supposed to be learning how to deal with stress and grow mentally and learn what to do in tough situations was spent escaping  a terrible family life and mental abuse to say the least.

Instead of slowly taking on more responsibilities in my teen years, I was watching my close family members self destruct and trying to keep myself out of the line of fire at times. And I also watched my immediate relatives either cut me out of their lives or leave me hanging when I needed them most.

     The good that came from that is I learned a survival instinct that I have since needed and used. The bad thing is I missed out on a good amount of valuable growth in a variety of ways; one specific way affects me every single day and hit me particularly hard today (Saturday May 12th 2018).

Scenario: I was at work and it was busy. Now for most people that's not easy but dealable. For someone who hasn't had much experience learning how to deal with the stress of doing many things at once, it was unbearable. and I failed the day hard. I was on the register and can't even count how many times multiple things were going on at once and I messed up all the things.

From the start of my day, I wasn't ready for anything. My shift leader told me...at EIGHT AM, that the assistant manager wanted to talk to me. For anyone who doesn't have anxiety in their daily life, that is the equivalent of the phrase "We need to talk..." in a relationship.

It's seriously one of the hardest things to hear and go about my day after that. And to make that even worse is my shift lead told me that at 3pm, I needed  to talk to my assistant manager. That means between 8 am and 3pm, I needed to not look like my heart was going to explode from worry about what she wanted to talk to me about.

And to make things even WORSE, at 2:30 I found out my asst manager was gonna be late so I didn't even get to talk to her. I'm still trying to stay calm and I've been out of work for hours now. I have to wait till at least Monday to find out she wants to talk to me about...I may not make it till then. If I have a heart attack, y'all know why. (That's only MOSTLY sarcasm.)

     Okay now that I got that out of my system, I'm going to try to forget about all that for at least a day. On to some more personal thoughts and what's going on in my mind. Warning, this is going to get personal and possibly TMI for some.

Saxon Sharbino is half
 of my spirit animal

Blaire White is the
other half of my spirit animal

One of the most important things to my transition is passing. I know that's superficial or shallow or something but it's true. I want to feel and be pretty, I want to have breasts and a nicer body and be looked at as feminine without looking like a guy in a dress.

And right now, I'm in the not there yet stage which has me impatiently waiting for the hormones I'm taking to do something more than emotionally.

Shmutzies.com

     Other life events: So recently I got in touch with a few family members I haven't seen in a very long time and that was seriously amazing! Two aunts of mine visited me, we went to my favorite diner and then took a walk around a nearby trail park and caught up with each other. My aunt Caren, who makes awesome soap and other great stuff, has been an enormous supporter of my transition and my aunt Beth is such a cool person that I wish I got to know her better years ago. I had a blast with them and am looking forward to being able to say the word family and not having it be a negative thing. 

And a few people have inspired me to try to get a story idea I have had for a long time out of my head and onto paper, so to speak. I'm working on writing a story about a young girl who eavesdrops on some pretty interesting people. I'll share more of that in the future and I'm really excited to work on it. My cousin Ryan, my aunts and a few other close friends have helped inspire me. Thanks.

Last thing:
     Travel is in my future and I could not be more excited for that!! Next year will be a big year for me for a few reasons, I'll be a little bit closer to becoming Layla and will be much mor eopen about that, I'll be seeing some new things and places and working on the book. Get ready.

Friday May 11th Thoughts and Updates

     OK so it's taken me a few days to work through some of the emotional things I've been going through and I'm trying to calmly assess my current life.

     In some aspects, everything is changing and I've come to a crossroad that will shape how life goes from this moment on; meaning that I have the opportunity to decide things like am I going to continue going to church even though it's not the one I've considered mine for 18 years

(the answer is yes, I just have to find one that is willing to accept trans people), how am I going to go about making new friends, what I'm going to plan for my future...etc.

     I do have a few constants that I've been blessed to have still, some friends who have not only accepted my decision to  (in my opinion) better my life but have helped me to be a happier person and helped aim me toward good things.

I also have some things going for me that, this is where it sounds like I'm bragging but I promise I'm not exactly:

          -I'm smart in some kinda important ways. I know I've been a survivor most of my life and have
been smart enough to find a way to make it even through being homeless at times and in some really scary situations and I also consider myself an intellectual thinker...well I've been trying to make myself one anyway. I ask questions that cause thought and a "think outside the box" mentality. As a kid, I ran from any kind of thought or work and have since been working on building up a work ethic and a better brain.

          -I've got a small and growing group of friends who I cannot express just how much they mean to me. The friends who have stuck by me even in my transition have my full and unconditionally support. I'm working on creating a new bond with old and new friends while still respecting the people around me.

          -The few things I'm confident about I know I'm good at them. I know that I'm a good photographer, I don't need to prove that over and over or worry because I know it.  I know I'm at least decent at making friends and being a good supportive friend. And to add on to this, I've always made it important to see things from other's points of view; something I think more people should try to do.


     And another thing I'm thinking abouty and working on dealing with is the future. The future...it sounds like something so small or unimportant but to think about it means you expect it and it can be MONUMENTAL or scary or...anything.

So MY future plans, which I do expect to attempt, involve travel and learning a lot. I am planning a trip at this moment (not telling where or when because I don't want to jinx it) and I am working on expanding my mind in a bunch of ways.

     Ohhh! And I'm working on writing a lot right now and I'm considering looking for ways to share it with the world somehow. I'm very excited about creating a world that someone could relate to or enjoy or like. More news about this as I get closer to something to share.

One of the best parts about talking 'future' is that I'm planning it and hoping for it and wanting to see what's next. For a long time I didn't think I'd see 29 or 36 or anyhting worth seeing in the future. Progress of the mind.

     Because I'm terrible at finishing anything, I'm just going to stop here and ask for your prayers and thoughts and good vibes. Thanks.

Some Thoughts and Questions I have (April 17 2018)

     Today sure is kicking my butt so far. Being 8 I'm the morning when I'm starting this should explain the feeling behind that statement. Stupid stuff happened already but those physically annoying things aren't what has me as angry and life interrupted as some things that are on my mind. 

Spiritually:

I have been putting much thought into the morals of God and where He wants me to be with my own morals. There are so many intangibles in my life that aren't clear black and white/right or wrong that I need to learn for myself when I should be more liberal and open minded or more hardlined. Cursing, drug use and transgenderism are all major topics I am trying to learn the morals about that are not as clear as I once thought.

Cursing: 

Cursing is an interesting one because society has these specific words right now that represent unChristian like behavior. I don't say that about people who don't believe so much but if anyone sees a Christian and then later hears them curse, the first thought is "I thought they were Christian." 

The Bible does talk about being above reproach, which makes sense, but my question comes when talking about cursing in a non hateful or threatening way. Does God care if I use those specific societal words to express how bad my day is or how big something is or how great some sports game was? 

Like if I said, "Did you see that pass?! It was f***ing epic!" about my favorite hockey player; is that considered cursing in God's opinion? Or does He care more about speaking like: "That guy? He's stupid garbage!" Is that what God considered cursing? Or both? 

Daniel Tosh has a joke where he gets to heaven and Peter gets him and says, "Welcome to f***ing heaven." While I don't think it'll be like that exactly, I do wonder if God is ashamed when a person judges someone else because they have trouble not cursing in some scenarios. 

Drug use:

     Drugs are another very big topic to me, not because I'll ever truly consider using recreational drugs so much but because I do not want to blindly be against or for something without knowing if it's actually good or bad. It's easy to be against most of the hard drugs, there are a lot of  polls and studies that show how dangerous cocaine is but the same cannot be said for marijuana. Does God care if a person uses cannabis oils? And if that's okay by God, is smoking pot okay in any form or amount? 

Again, I'm not saying you should do any of this but I am asking the questions for the sake of knowledge. I have learned that no one side of anything tells both sides of any topic. So I am asking both sides of these topics and I generally try to look at what each side says about the pros and cons. 

Them there's one of my favorite toys to both have a larger understanding of and seemingly know nothing about at the same time.

Transgenderism:

     I do not like straw man arguments but sometimes a strategy makes a good point so I'm going to try to use a strategy without making up a fake argument just to "win" it. 

I have a few questions for those who don't believe trans people are right or exist. One is can a person change their gender? 

If yes: problem solved and we're done here. (I know none of the people I'm referring to would say yes)

If no: if I cannot actually change my gender, then what I'm doing is cosmetic surgery or taking medicine to change my body to help me feel better and as an adult who has been dealing with this issue my whole life and as someone who is NOT doing this for any sexual purpose, I have trouble understanding why people would cut me out of their lives over it. I know the Bible doesn't directly oppose someone being trans and as far as I've studied (which I'm willing to change my opinion of I'm shown convincing evidence) the Bible does not make it clear that transitioning is a sin. 

If transitioning is nothing more than a cosmetic thing and cosmetic changes are the issue for some people, why are trans people so wrong but people getting nose and boob jobs aren't treated with the same fervor? 

And if it's about identifying as the opposite sex, I need much clarification. Should I just ignore my thoughts at all times, never ever "be myself" or "love myself" and hide behind anyone else's ideas of who I am for the rest of my miserable life? To those who I'm talking to, what reason do I have to continue living that life? It's so easy to tell someone else what they're doing wrong and how they're not right but to help them through problems or to give them other reasonable solutions...now that's not quite so easy.

     I know that for each of my thoughts/questions, there are other sides that I am not addressing here. Believe me, I have and will discuss more of each issue, question and consideration in the future.

Just some things I've been thinking about but I don't want to 

make this diary entry TOO long. Thanks for reading.