A Milestone, Some Updates and a Move (August 6th 2018)

     So this week a milestone occurred, I'm coming up on a great great event and a move is coming for me very soon. Life updates and more are coming up...right about...wait for it...

Life update:

     I've been watching terrible movie series' and tv shows with my cousin on my projector and even
bad movies are fun when you're watching them on a GIANT screen. It's so easy to get so immersed in whatever we watch.

     And for the milestone, last week I asked my store manager if I could start wearing skirts at work and of course she said it's not a problem at all so I did that day. It felt so freeing and fun to take yet another step toward my goal of living and identifying as a female, as Layla Lee. Since that day, not one customer has said anything negative and a few have complimented my bravery for doing something that isn't exactly completely accepted overall quite yet and some have complimented the skirt. It's cute. <3

     The great event:

In 8 days I'm taking a trip with some friends that I'm so so excited about. We're going to North Carolina, 11 hours away where we'll stay in a cabin and have so much to explore and do and see! I'm so ready for that. And the best part is the trip is in the beginning of a 12 day vacation! I sooo need some paid vacation time.

     And the thing that I'm less excited about is that my landlord is moving and selling the house I've been living in for the last few months. He has  a place for me to rent in a basement so at least I won't be homeless but I will miss it here. I just want to live somewhere comfortably where I can have a washer/dryer, Internet and ability to accomplish my basic needs. Oh and I want to be able to set up my room to be a great theater, of course.

     This week I went to a few thrift shops and
have been starting to build my wardrobe up, I bought a few skirts, a purse and some shirts that are more appropriate for my future instead of my past.

     It's been such an eye opening experience starting to live my life the way I have always felt I should, regardless of what others think. This isn't about sex or about being cool or any other thing than me genuinely having peace in my own skin for the first time. With each step I take, I feel like I am gaining a small piece of myself that I lost before I even got to have it. I truly thank God for allowing me to get to where I am and giving me a chance to have a future that I am absolutely excited about.

     And lastly, lately I've had some thoughts on my mind about what it means to help others and what it means to me to be a help in this world to those who are suffering. So I have encountered many times in the last few weeks/months where someone has treated me rudely or has been angry or has lashed out towards me. I've found myself with a bunch of chances to get revenge on a lot of those same people but chose to try to help them instead. The feeling and fulfillment of the times where those people's day was made better because of me...that was priceless to me. And for the people who didn't respond, it hurts (sometimes so much more than it should) but it's worth it to get to those who need something good to happen. I love that and want to see where that kind of thinking leads me.

February 2018 Updates and Thoughts from Layla Lee

     One week. It's been one week so far on hormones and I feel no different than I did seven days ago. Should I?
-Don't I need to?
-Is something wrong with me for not feeling anything?
-Aren't I supposed to feel different?

     I know the answers but these are a few questions running through my head about every 23 seconds all week. I'm not overly upset or emotional or even anxious, I oddly feel calm and not as stressed as I thought I would feel and that's kinda nice since the last like 2 years have been like going expecting to go into a kittens bedroom and entering to find out it's a starving  giant poisonous snake's lair.

Each morning I've woken up and excitedly taken my pill and looked at my face or body and thought, 

"Okay...you can magically completely 

change now...no? Oh...okay...on to work." 

then I have been doing my best to forget about that and go about my day. And of course every day this week has brought insane amounts of stress for one reason or another and that's not even close to stopping anytime soon. 

     I'd like to focus on some of the things that went on in my head this week and what's new or not new in my psyche.

One great thing is I have not had a single suicidal thought or fantasy this week. I hate when I walk by
a train or see something that could end my life and picture in my head how it would play out, it's something I can't control in a way and something that can hurt or can be ignored depending on how I'm feeling at the time.

There are times when I will imagine something and it's just a passing thought, it could be anything from sexual to suicidal to silly and those kinda pass by and are forgotten about in a minute if I don't focus on them. (By the way, I don't see things or hear things or have any schizophrenic problems here, I'm just talking about
random thoughts) Then there are the thoughts that seem to kinda try to entice me, again not schizophrenic but definitely strong thoughts that try to convince me of something.


As a society, we often think things like, "you're not good enough." or something negative and it seems to be trying to convince us to give up whatever we're doing or to fail in some way. The good thing is I have not had even one of the attempted influential imaginations all week, before this week I was in a very low place and continually thought like what would happen if  fell onto train tracks or had some accident that left me dead.

     Another thing that this week has brought was some openness in my transition. First, I talked to my boss and told her I'm ready to use my new name and start living as Layla and asked for a new name tag. That was scary and I wasn't sure how to start the conversation but my boss was more than understanding and told me I'll get a new one soon. She also made it clear that while this is kinda new to her and probably the store as a whole, we're gonna handle the situation with care and patience.

     And the second thing was I posted this blog on my original facebook account and made it public to everyone there. Everyone. As one of my best friends put it, "There's no turning back now." I'm a little nervous about putting some friends in an uncomfortable place but I'm also really excited to take my masks off and embrace my vulnerable open self. Very few people now can say I'm lying or I'm fake or anything like that. That's something that will be a weakness for a little while because it's not comfortable bearing one's soul at first but in time, I know this is going to be a strength. 

Lastly, I want to say I've seen great friendships become greater this past seven days and I thank Gd for that. I've been praying more and more and really trying to work on adding faith to my vocabulary. I thank God for you all.