Unintentional Learning

     I have this memory, from whenever I was in school and I walked into a lunch room. Not just one specific time but many, many times throughout many different schools and across so many stages of my life. I would walk in to a full or filling lunch room and see groups of friends sitting down; talking or laughing or showing each other something they think their friends like. Kids would walk in behind me and be called to, motioned to sit next to friends. I'd see some kids sitting down without being asked, because they didn't have to be called over or ask to sit down and I remember watching that be cool with whomever they sat by.

...then there was me...

Each second became harder, somehow, to find a place to belong. I tried so hard to just be invisible so I could survey the area without being noticed. But as I have learned, I can't will myself to be unseen. I felt the awkward pouring over me, I felt kids' eyes hitting me and I felt the panic of the fact that even though I looked out of place; like I just needed ONE person (not friend, because...what's that) to pity me and ask me to sit with them...they didn't care.

All that I just explained took seconds, maybe a minute in real time but to me every single time that happened it was longer than any clock had to show. And it wasn't the fact that I was awkward that hurt so much, it wasn't that I needed to sit or even that I had no friends (most of the time at least) It was the fact that no one cared enough for real to help me out of that misery. Even people who claimed to be 'my friend' didn't care if I was going through those torturous moments.

So I learned that I was able to make myself invisible. My superpower, right?! There were times when I would stand in a corner of a cafeteria, lean against a wall and eat my lunch and not one person would say a word to me. I wish I could say this is just a metaphor or an exaggerated example of things that happened but this has happened to me many times, in real life. And it hurt worse every time I went through it.

     If that was just a memory and I was hurt but learned from it, that's cool. But it affected me in a pretty big way. Dissecting what that did to me:

-I learned that there's no sympathy for people like that (like me) and for some time I was actually scared that I might be a sociopath because I developed the ability to just not care, like there was some switch and I found a way to turn it off.

-I learned that I don't matter to people. I heard people talk about how they could never just ignore someone when they have no friends but those were some of the same people who saw me standing there and had absolutely no emotional reaction to seeing someone on the brink of panic attacks or on the verge of giving up and they didn't even flinch. If they can't handle seeing someone in pain and don't have even an inkling of emotion when they see me...they're not the problem, I am.

-I learned to avoid groups all together or to show that I don't want to be in groups.

-I learned to hide from social situations and eventually I learned to hide from situations that hurt me the same way, even when it wasn't as bad as I thought it felt like it to me and it hurt the same as if it was the worst case scenario.

-I learned to shut down when an overwhelming amount of emotional weight hit me the way it did then.

     And these are just a few things that I unintentionally leanred from those seemingly small moments. Those teachings have bled into areas of my life that I am told regularly "You need to just stop." except there's no second part to those commands, the part that explains how to 'just stop' and I'm left learning that I'm not good enough even stronger...like a terrible truth on steroids. HULK SMASH all over me again and again.

Dear Uncle Mike

     Dear Uncle Mike,

                             Hi, It's been a while...I really really wish you were here. So much has happened since the last time we talked, some stuff I'm sure you wouldn't have an easy time with but I know you'd still be here for me. You were one of very few never to have walked away from me or gotten rid of me. Wish I could say thank you for that...among so much I wish I could tell you.

     Uncle Mike...I you were here I'd tell you that I am working on finding a way to accept myself and I'm fighting suicide very very hard. I'd tell you that I'm still here and that I love you so much, I'd tell you that every single day I think about you. It's been 6 years since the last time I heard your voice live, since I saw you and you're still one of the most important people in my life.

Every time something happens in my life, good or bad, my first reaction is STILL to pick up my phone and o to call you. I don't know that I'll ever lose that instinct. I'd love to say I only cherish the times I had with you but I'd be lying. I'm way too selfish and I want so badly to have more time with you. I want to get one  more call from you or hug you one more time or hear you laugh one more time. And if I got one of those, I'd want one more. You were so big in my world for so long, it's still hard to realize you're not here every morning.

     Okay, time to kinda update you on everything since 2012...here it goes:
So Ry and I have been hanging out a lot, it's been really great to have a friend like him. He's probably the only other person who has been close to you to me, he makes me not hate the word family. I keep up with Britt as much as I can too. I've gotten to do a lot of really cool things over the last 6 years; FINALLY got my passport and I'm gonna start using it soon. Met some famous people, actors and hockey players, just about every one has been awesome. I even got to meet a few actors who were on Cheers. Uncle George would have loved to hear that.

I've also learned a lot about what's really important in life, I've been trying to make experiences and people way more important than money and objects...you taught me that money comes and goes, I hold that close to my heart as I try to be a good person to people more than I try to be a business person or let the love of money enter my heart.  I've gotten a bunch of times to spend with Pop and some other people I'm related to, that has been really cool. I've been drawing, taking pictures a lot over the last few years and making videos. I wish I could show you some of my better stuff. You'd like them.

     So I know you'd have a tough time with this but I am doing something I've needed to do for a long time, I'm opening up about being me and I've truly been happy since being honest about being trans. I know it would be hard for you to understand but I also know you'd try to understand and even if you never did get it, you'd still love me. I wish I could tell you the story from the beginning and explain how much better I am now than I was before. I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you a long time ago, I think if I was things might have been different...somehow...I'm not quite sure how much different or in what way. Either way I wish you could see me now and see that I'm trying to be happy, like for real happy.

     Well, I could write a novel about how much I miss you but it still wouldn't fully explain pinpoint everything...guess I'll stop now.

A Milestone, Some Updates and a Move (August 6th 2018)

     So this week a milestone occurred, I'm coming up on a great great event and a move is coming for me very soon. Life updates and more are coming up...right about...wait for it...

Life update:

     I've been watching terrible movie series' and tv shows with my cousin on my projector and even
bad movies are fun when you're watching them on a GIANT screen. It's so easy to get so immersed in whatever we watch.

     And for the milestone, last week I asked my store manager if I could start wearing skirts at work and of course she said it's not a problem at all so I did that day. It felt so freeing and fun to take yet another step toward my goal of living and identifying as a female, as Layla Lee. Since that day, not one customer has said anything negative and a few have complimented my bravery for doing something that isn't exactly completely accepted overall quite yet and some have complimented the skirt. It's cute. <3

     The great event:

In 8 days I'm taking a trip with some friends that I'm so so excited about. We're going to North Carolina, 11 hours away where we'll stay in a cabin and have so much to explore and do and see! I'm so ready for that. And the best part is the trip is in the beginning of a 12 day vacation! I sooo need some paid vacation time.

     And the thing that I'm less excited about is that my landlord is moving and selling the house I've been living in for the last few months. He has  a place for me to rent in a basement so at least I won't be homeless but I will miss it here. I just want to live somewhere comfortably where I can have a washer/dryer, Internet and ability to accomplish my basic needs. Oh and I want to be able to set up my room to be a great theater, of course.

     This week I went to a few thrift shops and
have been starting to build my wardrobe up, I bought a few skirts, a purse and some shirts that are more appropriate for my future instead of my past.

     It's been such an eye opening experience starting to live my life the way I have always felt I should, regardless of what others think. This isn't about sex or about being cool or any other thing than me genuinely having peace in my own skin for the first time. With each step I take, I feel like I am gaining a small piece of myself that I lost before I even got to have it. I truly thank God for allowing me to get to where I am and giving me a chance to have a future that I am absolutely excited about.

     And lastly, lately I've had some thoughts on my mind about what it means to help others and what it means to me to be a help in this world to those who are suffering. So I have encountered many times in the last few weeks/months where someone has treated me rudely or has been angry or has lashed out towards me. I've found myself with a bunch of chances to get revenge on a lot of those same people but chose to try to help them instead. The feeling and fulfillment of the times where those people's day was made better because of me...that was priceless to me. And for the people who didn't respond, it hurts (sometimes so much more than it should) but it's worth it to get to those who need something good to happen. I love that and want to see where that kind of thinking leads me.

You CAN make it! A July 28th 2018 update

     Update:
I have not been suicidal in months; I haven't had any thoughts of ending myself even in a passing manner in such a long time. Ever since I was a little kid, my thoughts lined up with the philosophy "if something happens and there's any kind of danger, I don't care about risking my life or putting myself in between anyone else and life threatening situations. Now that's a great thing to do but the reason I did that was because I didn't care about me, not because I was selflessly protecting others.

     The difference between then and now isn't that I don't want to protect others or that I would save myself...BUT now I am honestly looking to live my life instead of imagining a scenario (a very very rare situation, despite what it looks like on the news. In all truth, it's not an everyday occurance that a life or death situation happens) I want to think about the positive possibilities, encourage people and focus on the good things this world has to offer.

     I've spent enough time thinking about what can go wrong or what  the worst case scenarios are, I am and have been for a while now actually enjoying life. And to anyone who has thought about suicide or anywho who feels hopeless or stuck or in any kind of bad situation, please know that ther eis always a way for things to get better. All it takes is thinking positive and baby steps toward positivity. It doesn't happen all in one day and you will fall back at times, but you can make it. You will make it. If I can go from a 9 year old trying to jump to my death to get out of living my life to the person I am today, than you can find a way to out live your depression and actually live instead of existing.

July 16th 2018 Update and Thoughts

     Well, it's been oddly hard for me to put thoughts together so I'm gonna try to keep this one as to-the-point as I can.

Today is Monday July 16th, 2018. I've spent the last two days barely moving with a migraine, fever and nausea. I slept between Sunday at 1 pm til about Monday around 3pm, with a few times waking up to crawl to the bathroom. This has been the sickest I've felt since 2012 when I got a migraine that stayed with me for 3 days. 

     One thing that I remember was having a dream:

I woke up and went downstairs and suddenly I was in my uncle's house. Instinctively, I went to the kitchen and looked in the fridge for food (in the dream I was sick and hungry too). As I was searching the cabinets, like it was normal to be back there, my grand mom (who passed away in 2006) came in and asked if I'm sick. I mumbled yes and she started to make me cream of wheat. Then I heard my Uncle Mike (who passed away in 2012) in the living room taking to someone.

I felt so sick that I didn't  have the energy to think about where I was or who was around. It was like I knew they were both dead but I couldn't do or say anything till I felt better. I slightly broke through to my grand mom by saying  that I had something to tell her once I felt better but I woke up before that happened, I woke up. #Sad I miss them both a lot.

     Life updates:

- In 30 days, I'm taking a trip with some friends to a cabin in South Carolina. Three days of completely getting away from anything followed by about 5 days of paid time off! I'm super excited for that.

- I've been on estradiol for 6 1/2 months, there have been massive internal changes but very very little external changes, which has me discouraged. I have some barely noticeable breast growth and my stomach is becoming as round as a basketball even though I'm losing weight, that's really it. 

- My cousin and I have been having "Screen Time"  and absolutely love it! I have a projector, a screen and have been watching movies and shows on around a 100 inch screen! We've completely covered my windows so there is absolutely no light coming in and we're currently working on cutting the sound from being too loud outside my room.

- And finally my aunt has set up an appointment with laser hair removal, which is beyond painful and absolutely amazing! I had my first session with Vicky Rappaport of Expert Skincare by Victoria in Newtown, PA  I can't strress enough how great she's been with me and I'm looking forward to session #2 next week. 

https://www.expertvictoria.com/

Stress, Stress, Stress

     Stress does NOT feel pretty. I know...OBVIOUS. I'm not trying to bring some deep thought to the forefront of the world. Stress has such a hold on me that I have no idea how to even try to solve that.

When I was younger, the time I was supposed to be learning how to deal with stress and grow mentally and learn what to do in tough situations was spent escaping  a terrible family life and mental abuse to say the least.

Instead of slowly taking on more responsibilities in my teen years, I was watching my close family members self destruct and trying to keep myself out of the line of fire at times. And I also watched my immediate relatives either cut me out of their lives or leave me hanging when I needed them most.

     The good that came from that is I learned a survival instinct that I have since needed and used. The bad thing is I missed out on a good amount of valuable growth in a variety of ways; one specific way affects me every single day and hit me particularly hard today (Saturday May 12th 2018).

Scenario: I was at work and it was busy. Now for most people that's not easy but dealable. For someone who hasn't had much experience learning how to deal with the stress of doing many things at once, it was unbearable. and I failed the day hard. I was on the register and can't even count how many times multiple things were going on at once and I messed up all the things.

From the start of my day, I wasn't ready for anything. My shift leader told me...at EIGHT AM, that the assistant manager wanted to talk to me. For anyone who doesn't have anxiety in their daily life, that is the equivalent of the phrase "We need to talk..." in a relationship.

It's seriously one of the hardest things to hear and go about my day after that. And to make that even worse is my shift lead told me that at 3pm, I needed  to talk to my assistant manager. That means between 8 am and 3pm, I needed to not look like my heart was going to explode from worry about what she wanted to talk to me about.

And to make things even WORSE, at 2:30 I found out my asst manager was gonna be late so I didn't even get to talk to her. I'm still trying to stay calm and I've been out of work for hours now. I have to wait till at least Monday to find out she wants to talk to me about...I may not make it till then. If I have a heart attack, y'all know why. (That's only MOSTLY sarcasm.)

     Okay now that I got that out of my system, I'm going to try to forget about all that for at least a day. On to some more personal thoughts and what's going on in my mind. Warning, this is going to get personal and possibly TMI for some.

Saxon Sharbino is half
 of my spirit animal

Blaire White is the
other half of my spirit animal

One of the most important things to my transition is passing. I know that's superficial or shallow or something but it's true. I want to feel and be pretty, I want to have breasts and a nicer body and be looked at as feminine without looking like a guy in a dress.

And right now, I'm in the not there yet stage which has me impatiently waiting for the hormones I'm taking to do something more than emotionally.

Shmutzies.com

     Other life events: So recently I got in touch with a few family members I haven't seen in a very long time and that was seriously amazing! Two aunts of mine visited me, we went to my favorite diner and then took a walk around a nearby trail park and caught up with each other. My aunt Caren, who makes awesome soap and other great stuff, has been an enormous supporter of my transition and my aunt Beth is such a cool person that I wish I got to know her better years ago. I had a blast with them and am looking forward to being able to say the word family and not having it be a negative thing. 

And a few people have inspired me to try to get a story idea I have had for a long time out of my head and onto paper, so to speak. I'm working on writing a story about a young girl who eavesdrops on some pretty interesting people. I'll share more of that in the future and I'm really excited to work on it. My cousin Ryan, my aunts and a few other close friends have helped inspire me. Thanks.

Last thing:
     Travel is in my future and I could not be more excited for that!! Next year will be a big year for me for a few reasons, I'll be a little bit closer to becoming Layla and will be much mor eopen about that, I'll be seeing some new things and places and working on the book. Get ready.

Updates and Thoughts (May 5th 2018)

     So these last few weeks have been...interesting, let's say. It's Friday May 4th 2018 and since my mind has been on super mega hyper attention deficit lately, I'm going to share my thoughts in list form. These are in no order and may seem nonsensical or whatever so bear with me. And because this is going to be outside the norm, I'm going to share some of my artwork throughout this diary entry. Enjoy...

* Update:
     So I recently increased my dosage of estradiol and found out my testosterone level is at a genetic female's level, which is a good thing.  I may not need to taker any kind of testosterone blockers.

* I see so many people throughout my work day as a cashier/photo tech and I'm telling you it is SO EASY to change someone's day with the smallest gestures or words.

And that goes both ways; a small kind word can take someone from a bad day to seeing things get a little better and on the opposite side, ignoring someone or throwing an attitude at someone random can truly ruin their day.

I see it so much and rudeness physically drains me at times when my stress is higher or I'm already having a  rough day.

* I've recently began accepting that I'm going to lose a lot of close friends. It's not something that one day I can just say, "OK, welp that's over." and be done with it. These are friends I've had for a very long time who have invested a lot in me.

I'm working on understanding their choice to not associate with me because I've decided to transition and respecting that. The toughest thing isn't that I disagree with them (I do but that's not the hardest part), the most difficult thing is having inside jokes or going through something I would have talked to them about or wanting to tell them something and just not having that option.

It's been similar to a breakup in a way, I've been trying to keep busy and work through the pain of losing such close people to me in doses I can handle. Writing this actually was so hard that it took me days to complete sentences without having to stop.

I don't really have many tears these days, I've been through so much that it takes a lot to make me cry in life...although all it takes in the TV world is a character I like to die or move and I ball like a baby, go figure.

* I've got some new plans that I'm really truly excited about. I'm not going to share all of it just yet but I want to preserve the memory of this moment by sharing some things:

     -I am slowly turning my room into a studio with a projector and a dry erase board for different purposes. I set it up and watched How I Met Your Mother then One Piece to test it out...IT. WAS. AWESOME. And it's only gonna get cooler.

     -I'm working on a plan to write a small story/novel. I've had this mostly thought out idea in my head for years and I'm trying to put it on paper (so to speak) whether it's good or not is up to the words I choose but I at least am going to try to make it good.

     -I have some plans to film some things soon, something I haven't done in years and have been wanting to. My friend Nico and I are working on doing some shooting soon...EXCITING!

                ...that's all I'm willing to share with the world just yet. More will come over the next year.

* This one's not great and I wish I didn't have to type it but here it goes:

    Over the last two weeks, suicidal thoughts were very strong and very convincing. Clearly I'm not going to let that thought walk into my head and beat me but I cannot lie and say it's easy to just ignore thoughts like everyone would be better off if I was just never around ever again or that I keep hurting people around me.

     It is hard to deny that being trans has hurt a lot of my friends and those around me, I know the truth is I am not maliciously hurting them and I know that having a mental disorder or a gender identity disorder or having other physical disabilities isn't quite the same as 'hurting' someone but the cold hard truth is there are a group of people who are worse off because I am going through this and have decided to embrace my new life instead of trying to deny it or do something different.

     I'm trying...I promise.



* On a better note, I've been a little more able to handle a little more lately. It's a small step but it's a step in the right direction. I have trouble working days in a row, in fact a few months ago I could not work 3 days straight; I'd have trouble doing simple things like speaking clear sentences ort counting.

I've been working a little more before those kinds of malfunctions happen and I'v ebeen able to hold my temper better too, which is even more impressive because I'm now on an increased doseage of estrogen. Yay me.

     Well I could go on but I'll end this particular diary entry here. Thank you for reading. And as always...

Today's Events - March 26th 2018

     Today:

I took a bike ride to Center City, Philadelphia to pick up estrodiol and I want to record my thoughts and take away from the day so that some day when I'm fully transitioned and can't remember these times, I can read this and think about how life was.

Let me start by saying, I am lazy and today was a prime example. SO last night my plan was to wake up today (Monday March 26th, 2018) fairly early and get to Center City to pick up my estrodiol. I figured I'd pick it up then maybe ride around for a while and just kinda aimlessly spend the day doing whatever.

And because my plans ALWAYS go perfectly, I woke up at 7am...and felt like crap so I went back to sleep. Then I woke up at 8:30am and felt head achy, so I went back to sleep.

Aaaand at the bright and early time of 1:45pm I decided to get up for the day. I got out of the house about ten minutes later and made the train literally seconds before those guard rails went down. So that was a good break I caught first thing into my day. Then I got to Camden and got off the train, rode my bike to the bridge.

So normally, I get on the bridge and ride across the side where I can see the Camden Riversharks practice...or Rutgers or whoever plays at that baseball field but this time that side was closed for some reason and I had to go on the other side.

     The other side...the other side is a  little scary. It has a metal board looking floor for a bit till you get to solid concrete, which makes me feel like I'm in that Indiana Jones movie where the bridge is falling apart. Oh and did I mention I have a fear of heights? Yeah so I do, sort of.

By sort of I mean that whenever I get high up and can see down, I imagine every possible worst scenario. And because I have a crazy vivid imagination, it's always like super detailed and makes me super nervous. I, of course, thought of what if I hit the rail and flipped over the side or what if that tiny car patrol officer hit me with his little half-car thing and I popped off the bridge...and about 43 other random and crazy scenarios where I end up off the bridge. I have trouble stopping that thought process and tried to just sing and forget about where I was.

     After a terrifying trip across the bridge I got to Market St. and relearned that I HATE just about every GPS app there is. And I try not to use the word hate very much unless it's really deserved...this deserves it. I hate every direction app I've used so far, not one has done well long term without major idiotic issues.

I got rid of the map that my IPhone came with because it was just atrocious from the beginning and tried many map apps, none impressing me. I ended up using google maps  over the other terrible apps and for a while it was better than others at least but recently...over the last maybe 6 months or so it's just been terribler than ever. Yeah, I said terribler. If anyone has a recommendation, please leave a comment because I need a good GPS app.

Okay so I FINALLY fought through the  bad directing and made my way to the Mazzoni Center; for some reason my brain doesn't like to help me remember how to get there even though I've made this same trip like 10 times between December 2017 and now. (Alright, brain...thanks.)

I got my medicine and asked the worker there to send my meds near me and will not have to go there just to get meds from now on. SCORE! And a big thing here wasn't just getting to change the destination of my meds, it was me taking that step of asking.

For some reason, I have trouble asking things like that; speaking up when there's no real reason to fear talking has always been a problem for me. Speaking up today was pretty important to me and a bonus was they're gonna make it easy for me. (insert smile emoji here)

Then I wandered around Center City for a while and made my way back to the bridge, crossed it slower than before because my mind had plenty of time to create more scary imaginative ways to fall off and I got to the riverline.

     Something kinda cool and inspiring happened there.

I got on and was the last person on, so I didn't have a seat; I was standing in between doors holding my bike. Usually, the train stops ONLY when they get to a station but today they decided to quickly stop about 30 seconds after leaving the Camden station.

And I had the fortune of not being ready for that, I fell forward. I wasn't ready and fell hard into a black guy sitting in a seat and he could have been super angry and rude but thankfully he was very polite about it. I apologized profusely and he was more focused on making sure I was okay. I felt bad because my bike hit his knee but he was so cool about it, then another man offered me the seat he had and I sat down insstead of trying to keep my balance every tiem the train jolted.

The man who gave me his seat had a Septa jacket on and I thanked him for the seat, he responded politely then told me he weas suprised the guy I fell on was nice; most people don't care if it's an accident or not, they get really mad in that kinda situation.

He then went on about how peple blame him for every single issue that Septa has, even the most radical or stupid things. He had a genuine attitude toward me and seemed liem one of those people who truly tries to be a nice person in a job where no one thinks about anyone but themselves (I can relate) and he told me a few situations he dealt with today and I told him how I deal with that kinda thing too.

Then, as he was getting off the train, I told him I thank him for doing what he does and he stopped and shook my hand; I really feel like that helped him just to feel a little better even for a moment and that can make life  a tiny bit easier to handle. I know that feeling when humanity gets redeemed just a little tiny bit and what that means to me when it happens, I was really happy to get that chance to make him feel good.

     Sometimes a little thank you or an extra step to be nice can go such a long way for someone. It can be the difference between someone going home and feeling drained or horrible and a person going home thinking, "That was really cool" And that being the thought at the end of a day for someone who gets wrecked by angry customers at their job is a BIG thing to good people.

A Weekend I'll Never Forget

     So this has been quite the weekend. Emotions were flying and things were absolutely great and really annoying at times and gut busting funny at other times and really sad at times. Where should I start?

     Okay I'll start at the beginning, since you said so.
Thursday was painfully slow but I made it through work and I felt such a relief exhale as I left work, knowing I had FIVE days off after that.  Friday morning came and my friends Nick, Mike and I  went to eat before going to Monster Mania. It was great to spend some time around friends I haven't seen in a while and things seemed to work out for us as we got closer to time to go get our wrist bands for everything.

I kinda made the plan for when we'd get there and because I'm ridiculously early to things, I got us there a while early and we had to kill some time. We did and finally the time came that the event opened up.

     SO before going there, I split up with my group and met up with another friend, Lauren. And this is where things went from exciting to mind blowing. My friend, who has been a humongous support system and she's one of the few people who I truly see as family (in a way that doesn't hurt me), gave me directions to the office she works in and I went there.

Once there, she helped me do my makeup for the first time ever. It was such an emotional experience I could barely contain it all. I got dressed up and discovered that I apparently really like the color fuscia in the process.

          Years ago I bought a pair of high heels, they happened to be fuscia. Then a while later, I found a dress online that I liked and bought it...fuscia. the bra I used was guess what color and the lipstick was the same. None of that was intentional, I just happened to find these things and get them while I was able. I have very little by way of feminine clothes and I've been so afraid to walk into a store and buy things like underwear and dresses so I mostly have been buying stuff online.

Aaaaanyway, Laur helped me get ready and showed me some tips on makeup and I had to hold back tears when I was done. I was so excited and she did such a great job and I was actually going to walk around as Layla. It was so full of emotions before even getting there. We left and went to the hotel (where Monster Mania takes place) and I walked through the front door in my high heels, wearing a pink dress and looking unrecognizable.

     It felt so amazing to walk around as Layla in public, although I learned pretty quickly that the heels I own are too small. But it was worth the pain , as I felt so comfortable being treated the way I feel inside. Spoiler: overall two guys checked me out and that was proof that Lauren's makeup job was perfect. By the way, I'm not gay so I didn't want to be hit on by guys so don't think that has changed; it was only a good thing because my makeup looked real and good...and real good.

     The best part of my entrance was awesome, so I went there with two friends, Mike and Nick. Nick was waiting to pay for food but Mike walked toward me. I was sitting down, charging my phone and I looked right at him as he walked closer. He walked past me, like one foot foot away from me and didn't say anything. I thought he saw me and was ignoring me as a joke or something. I waited a minute or two and stood up, put my heels back on and walked toward where he was. I got close enough to almost be face to face and said, "Hey Mike."

He was in shock and then he said, "Is that you?!" His face was first in awe of realizing who I was and then just laughing. One of my good Friends, who came with me to go there and who knows me very well, didn't realize it was me EVEN when I was right in front of him. IT.WAS.AWESOME.

And after the shock and hilarity wore off, he told me he was proud of me and he supports me; that meant a lot to me.

     I passed by a good amount of friends who I know that didn't recognize me even though I was very close and again that was great proof that my makeup was well done. I loved that. After a while there was a VIP party and it was the most disappointing one I've ever been to. The only good thing was getting to hang out with all 3 of my groups at once for a little bit.

     We left early and I got to say hi to the IT kids (Chosen Jacob, Jaeden Lieberher, Wyatt Oleff, Sophia Lillis and Jeremy Ray Taylor) as they went in, we went back to the hotel and I got cleaned up and we had a blast hanging out; staying up till like 5am. 

Saturday: I don't want to get into the negative stuff because I have a very high respect level for Dave Hagan and the rest of the Monster Mania crew so I'm gonna leave it at this one day, things were not all great.  The one great part was getting to meet an actor who played a large role in my favorite movie of all time.

I got inside and went immediately to the table where Richard Refuse was supposed to be signing autographs and taking pictures with fans, he was on a lunch break and I happily waited there. He got back and was talking about some things that happened on the set of Jaws. JAWS! The very first movie I ever watched...EVER.
He offered me a coke, which I took humbly and then he looked at a staff member behind him and asked if there was a 7/11 nearby. He then told everyone in line that he's buying if anyone wanted anything from 7/11. I was blown away, making sure to keep the coke can he personally gave me.

     So I stepped up when he was ready and I got a laser disc of Jaws signed and then took a picture with him. It was awesome and he was very nice. Just as he was about to go to the next person, I got to tell him Jaws was the first movie I ever watched and it's been my favorite ever since. I thanked him and shook his hand. It was really great to get that chance.

     After all is said and done, I had a decent time and absolutely loved walking around feeling comfortable and less pressure then anywhere else. It was a weekend I'll never forget. It was Layla's first public appearance ever. I gotta send a special thanks to My friends, Lauren, Nick, Mike, my cousin Ryan, my cousin Sean and his fiancee Josie and everyone else who I met or interacted with this weekend. I am so happy I got this chance and can hardly wait to do something like that again soon. <3

February 2018 Updates and Thoughts from Layla Lee

     One week. It's been one week so far on hormones and I feel no different than I did seven days ago. Should I?
-Don't I need to?
-Is something wrong with me for not feeling anything?
-Aren't I supposed to feel different?

     I know the answers but these are a few questions running through my head about every 23 seconds all week. I'm not overly upset or emotional or even anxious, I oddly feel calm and not as stressed as I thought I would feel and that's kinda nice since the last like 2 years have been like going expecting to go into a kittens bedroom and entering to find out it's a starving  giant poisonous snake's lair.

Each morning I've woken up and excitedly taken my pill and looked at my face or body and thought, 

"Okay...you can magically completely 

change now...no? Oh...okay...on to work." 

then I have been doing my best to forget about that and go about my day. And of course every day this week has brought insane amounts of stress for one reason or another and that's not even close to stopping anytime soon. 

     I'd like to focus on some of the things that went on in my head this week and what's new or not new in my psyche.

One great thing is I have not had a single suicidal thought or fantasy this week. I hate when I walk by
a train or see something that could end my life and picture in my head how it would play out, it's something I can't control in a way and something that can hurt or can be ignored depending on how I'm feeling at the time.

There are times when I will imagine something and it's just a passing thought, it could be anything from sexual to suicidal to silly and those kinda pass by and are forgotten about in a minute if I don't focus on them. (By the way, I don't see things or hear things or have any schizophrenic problems here, I'm just talking about
random thoughts) Then there are the thoughts that seem to kinda try to entice me, again not schizophrenic but definitely strong thoughts that try to convince me of something.


As a society, we often think things like, "you're not good enough." or something negative and it seems to be trying to convince us to give up whatever we're doing or to fail in some way. The good thing is I have not had even one of the attempted influential imaginations all week, before this week I was in a very low place and continually thought like what would happen if  fell onto train tracks or had some accident that left me dead.

     Another thing that this week has brought was some openness in my transition. First, I talked to my boss and told her I'm ready to use my new name and start living as Layla and asked for a new name tag. That was scary and I wasn't sure how to start the conversation but my boss was more than understanding and told me I'll get a new one soon. She also made it clear that while this is kinda new to her and probably the store as a whole, we're gonna handle the situation with care and patience.

     And the second thing was I posted this blog on my original facebook account and made it public to everyone there. Everyone. As one of my best friends put it, "There's no turning back now." I'm a little nervous about putting some friends in an uncomfortable place but I'm also really excited to take my masks off and embrace my vulnerable open self. Very few people now can say I'm lying or I'm fake or anything like that. That's something that will be a weakness for a little while because it's not comfortable bearing one's soul at first but in time, I know this is going to be a strength. 

Lastly, I want to say I've seen great friendships become greater this past seven days and I thank Gd for that. I've been praying more and more and really trying to work on adding faith to my vocabulary. I thank God for you all.