Why do I Love Horror?

     I love horror films, I have since I was a little kid. And not only do I love them but I love every aspect of the genre, I love bad horror movies, great ones, how they're made and what goes into the psychology of creating a truly scary movie.

     The question was proposed: why? Why do I love seeing all that gore or suspense or why do I enjoy seeing a character that harms people? The question why is an interesting one and I want to explore that in me and in society. Let's get into it.

     Starting with me, I saw my first horror...well suspense movie when I was 2 years old. It was the first movie I ever watched, I watched a scene on a beach when a woman was swimming and something grabbed her. Jaws made a huge impact on me at that young age and my first reaction (as I've been told by relatives many many times) was how I saw the movie from the shark's point of view. At 2 years old, I cried when they killed the shark because my innocence didn't understand the shark was endangering people. 

But here's something that ALSO happened subconsciously: that movie put my fears into a box. At the time I'm sure I had simple fears; things that a 2-4 year old are scared of can be considered simple to us at 20-30 or older, right? A few years later when I was dealing with family abuse and being bullied and not fitting in, things that teenagers deal with, and I realized that those horror movies became an escape and it taught my mind how to put fear in a box.

     Here's the societal part of this: more often than not, we find ways to cope with terrible things by putting our fears in a certain box. If we contain our fear, whether it's by running away from it or putting a face on it or running at it head on, just about everyone puts their personal fear in a box.

George Romero explained Night of the Living Dead as his depiction of aids, racism and anything that we face that cannot be stopped no matter how far away it is and how slowly it comes at us. That movie gave death (something we can try but never outrun) a face and a mental idea of how to look at it, we put death in a box with zombie movies. These fears or concepts are hard to fathom and can be destructive to our conscious minds, so gaining some control over how we understand these can be really helpful in truly grasping what they can be or do. 

     Another thing I personally use on a regular basis that came from horror films is sensitivity to situations, to people and to real life potential dangers. Probably the most relatable example of this is from a 2003 movie that shows a traffic scene where a truck holding logs is in front of the protagonist. It definitely created some over thinking of that particular scenario but the positive thing it DID do was give many of us a sensitivity to our own surroundings. 

We watch movies where a masked villain is following  the main character and we, as a society, look around when we're in situations where there could be someone following us later in life. And again, though we'll have many times where we're overanalyzing moments, there are times when wedevelope more sensitivity to actual dangerous times and have caught ourselves before entering actual danger.

     So in answering this question, it's been eye opening to dissect and figure out why I love horror movies on both a conscious and subconscious level. I think those of us who are able to see these films and hear these stories with our subconscious open to what the underlying lesson is can actually help in ways. All of that is said with the knowledge that there is a 'too much' of literally everything, so limiting even favorite things is always smart. And not liking horrors only means you are in a different phase or you aren't in need of quarantining some aspects of life, it's very interesting to be in every phase of your subconscious life.

     If this helped you in any way, please let me know. We can learn a lot from why we enjoy things we enjoy and how we react to things. Thank you for reading this far and I hope you have a legendary day!

Beginning from Scratch (October 19, 2022)

     Ok so...things are about to get real. Have you ever felt like you were in a rut? Or  better yet, have you ever felt like you're miserable in life, but like you didn't want to do anything because though it's miserable...you were comfortable?

I have. I did. I am. I do.

That's a hole of a feeling, it's the worst. I've been to the point of wanting to end myself because I just...I hate feeling so empty and stuck. So I am currently doing something about it. I am currently getting ready to move. Out of the Philadelphia market, something I've never done in my 40 years (with 2 very short exceptions in the early 00's) I'm moving to the Nashville Tennessee area and I'm terrified, I'm nervous, I'm excited and mostly I'm busy trying to find a place to live there.

     The background: On a whim, I decided to see if there were any openings with my company out of my area and randomly applied for one that I found in Nashville. Before I knew it, I got a phone interview set up and I was then looking for places there.

This is insane and I'm terrified that things won't work, I'm also cleaning my room up and getting rid of A LOT of junk I've collected over the years...but ya know what I'm not feeling? Suicidal. Depressed. And I'm not homesick. I've never felt like I had a home, the closest is I've wanted to not be wherever I was at the moment. The only thing I'm going to miss is seeing my Philadelphia Flyers in their home arena

     Now part of the background is why I decided to make a move and that's a beast on it's own. Wanna get into it? Ooook.

I lost my entire support group, my friend group not too long ago. For around 2 years now, I've had a very few friends and really Tiktok has been my main way to talk to people outside of work. And with having some kind of connection outside work situations being such a big and important part of me, I started to shell up and need that more and more. 

And I wish I could say this wasn't true but it was, I had very strong feelings for a person that did not even slightly return those feelings, making my life as uncomfortable as could be. I want so deeply for her to see what I see and feel what I feel but I never ever ever want to become a negative in her universe, which I think started to happen. 

Who knows, maybe I needed that to kick start a giant change of scenery. Maybe that was part of the plan all along (I doubt it because God seemed to have a distaste for anything good happening for me in any way) 

So those and probably a few other insignificant reasons, I felt the need to get up and go rising over the last...maybe year

. So I am Nashville bound, with no place to live yet and (at this very moment) my phone interview at the store there not an actual certainty, I am terrified that some or all of this won't work out. I can say this, no matter what happens from here on out, my life is about to change in a very very big way. Could be for the better, could be for the worse, it could kinda even out in some way but...things will be different.

Can I tell you a story?

 

When I was 6 years old (I'm 40 now) I moved to this apartment complex. The first day, I went with my mom and her boyfriend to check the place out.

 I wandered away bc that's what I've always done and I saw a playground across the street.

I was about to go there and a little kid started to run across the street right when a car was speeding by. I pulled him back and saved his life.

Just then a girl ran over and yelled his name. And I still remember that moment like it was yesterday.

Her perfect golden hair flies as she ran and she had on a white sweat shirt with a pink decorative heart on it.

I knew in that moment I was in love with her...at 6 years old. 

We moved there and I ended up living in the apartment right under hers, she and I became best friends and I loved her like no one else. I truly thought she was 'the one' 

Even when I moved and didn't have contact with her, I remember thinking, 'this is only an obstacle, a growing up lesson but someday we'll find each other and it'll be the perfect love story' and I really expected that to be how it went.

I went to middle school, highschool and every single day I thought, 'maybe today or next week or next school year she'll randomly show up' not only did I not doubt this but I "knew" it was going to happen.

Then things went crazy and I got scared. There was abuse, drugs, people were threatening me and people around me, life really was insane and I had to move.

I moved to this small terrible town, I had no friends, I had no reason to think life was going to be liveable. BUT...There's that girl out there somewhere.

I knew I had to stay alive, I had to succeed, I had to save her. It drive me to not attempt suicide multiple times, just the thought I'd that girl looking for me and finding out I was dead. I absolutely couldn't do that to her. "She's the one." 

Depression hit me really hard, I was stuck in a world with drug addicts, drunks and a school built to ruin people like me. I started to doubt that one true love for the first time in my senior year of highschool. 

I was kicked out of school by the principal, I had no plan and still had my family there, two drunks and one drug addict.

I thought all life was is you either are a drink or you get abused by a drunk...nothing else.

I fought hard to get away from things like drugs and a lie kind of life, started going to church and in 2012 I did a thing that I thought was finally that thing that was gonna change my life.

I wrote letters to the people with that girls name. Like, I hand wrote 3 letters and sent them to people with her name in hopes that one of them was her. I had no idea if she lived in any of those locations or is she was even still alive. I still had that strange confidence that she and I were meant to be.

Long story short: one of them was her and she wasn't interested in anything I had counted on. She was in a long term relationship at the moment (which ended a little while after we stopped talking)

And as much as I still don't want to admit this, we had some connecting similarities but we also had some very very big differences that probably would have broken us up if we did get together.

Anyway, since then I've been just kinda floating around on this rock. No plan, no destiny, no one to save our to save me. 

Wednesday, September 7th 2022

     If you look at a rose and you see it, touch it, smell it. It's a rose no matter what you call it or what you do with it. It is a rose. And if you see shit, you smell it, clean it up and throw it away...it is shit. You can make the best of the situation by saying the shit was an accident and the rose was lucky being a rose, but both are still what they are.

     I try to deal with my situation, I try to sugar coat what I am but there's no changing what I am. I am nothing. I am no one. I have no past and the more I go, it becomes clearer every day that I am only creating emptiness where a future should be. I wish I mattered.

I wish anything I do could change me, I wish I could do enough good to fix the negativity that I bring merely by existing, like if I could see an empty container in physical form and I could see that every good deed added to it...I would possibly feel like I had a chance. Though it would be a lie, at least I'd be able to hide my head in the sand deep enough not to see what I still am.

     The funny thing is I can't even blame anything on anyone else. Every single mistake, every awkward interaction that turned people away from me, every judgement that led to making a choice...it is all completely my fault. No one else, nothing else and I can't even try to get away from every one of them.

If I did drugs ever, I could say it was the drugs; they made me make wrong decisions. I never did anything though so my choices were just me looking at a situation soberly and choosing all on my own. If I had bad friends or people who were ever in charge of me, I could blame them for something. The truth is since I was born, I was on my own. Sure, there were times when I got help but I still made the choices in every situation and I am fully to blame. 

     When I was 1 and put a blanket on an electric heater, when I a teenager decided I wasn't going to live with either birth parent, when I chose not to work at school, when I lost my virginity, attempted to take my life (earliest at 7 years old and many times after that), when I let certain people leave, when I tried to keep certain people in my life. When I was too annoying, too patient, too rude, too nice and so many things in between. IT'S. ALL. MY. FAULT. I sure as hell can't blame any parents or adults in my life, I barely had any. Something that doesn't exist can't be blamed for doing something, right?

     All that was a precursor, a preamble for today's thoughts. I've fought so hard and so long with no guarantee knowledge that there's a reason, ya know? I've been told that if I get to a certain point in life or work hard enough or if I do certain things, I'll get love in return. I've never seen it, ever; not for 5 seconds. 

I've been told that if I give I will receive. That has not been a part of my existence either. I'm not saying I've never been given anything ever, that's not true but here's an example I imagine a lot:

     If I need a house and I work hard to get what I need to get that house but I see someone else with a  greater need, I thought the way life worked was If I give to that person someday it would come back to me. That's what I thought (through my rambly mess of too many words in my mind) but what happens so many times is I see someone else in need and I help them, then I realize I'm in a worse situation than that person in need...and I am alone then. Not only is no one there but anyone that is nearby makes it clear that I shouldn't have helped anyone else. They say it's my fault I'm where I am and "You made my bed so you need to lie in it now." and if I even try to say anything other than taking full responsibility, then I am lying AND wrong.

I'm sitting here, kneeling on a floor in a small town near a large city and I cannot stop thinking about how I have done nothing with my life, Never felt real love, never experienced real things for myself and I have never been confident in one single thing, important or menial. And so many signs seem pointing more and more to giving up. 

I remember this one time I was working at a fast food place around Christmas, I was miserable and lonely and had recently lost my uncle to suicide. I was mopping and a song came on the radio there, I forget the name or most of the lyrics but what I remember was the story the song was telling. In it's tune filled story, it explained that Christmas wasn't worth making it through without someone to share it with. I'm sure someone somewhere heard it and took the words in one way but as I spent that Christmas alone, I didn't see the cute fluffy happy part of it. It felt like the radio was screaming, "Give up! Give up Now! The one thing you value the most will never happen, so why are you even here? You don't belong."

I was just watching a documentary about a celebrity, Soleil Moon Frye. I couldn't finish it because though I know it's about her story and it wasn't an easy one in ways, it felt very much like there was an underlying message of "I have no life and I can't have a life. I have like 2 stories to tell, I'm not interesting, I have no perspective that can help or bring people to my story. So I'm not ever going to be worth anything."

So I was born to be shit. I can buy fancy things, I can give to the poor, I can let everyone go ahead of me in lines and hold all the doors for people but...nothing can change what I am. Any time I start to break even or get out of anything bad, something immediately destroys it completely 

(like when I was in a relationship, had my own place and was starting to deal better with my migraines and then all in the span of a few hours, I was fired from the job I liked then that day I broke up with the woman I was dating and then the moment I got to my place after the relationship ending fight...I found out my place was bought by the bank and I had 2 weeks to find a new place to live.) 

That's how things go. Always. My life phrase used to be 'Life is what you make of it.' then it was 'It is what it is.' and now it's simply "I don't get good things."

To be completely honest with (no one's gonna read this so, I guess this is just for myself) I feel more and more like it's only a matter of time till I'm gone. 

...and that is such a sucky, soul draining thought. G'night.

What I truly think of me (warning, it's not good)

      What do I think it me. I think about this question, the reason for why I think the way I do and I often wonder how close I am too the truth. Like, I'm sure my view is bent in a direction and I can't even conceive of things any other way; we all have opinions that no one could change our minds about.

     Be warned, this is going to be brutal honesty and will have language, mention violence and is going to be just plain mean about me. Don't read is you can not handle the darkness that feels in me every minute of every day. 

I think I am the worst being that God has ever created. I don't mean living right now or excluding actual monsters...I mean I believe that there has never been a creation that has ever been worse than three I've typing this journal entry right now. Worse than Hitler, Ted Bundy and even the Pittsburgh Penguins. (If I don't add some kind of humor right now, I might actually break down)

If there was some sort of measurement of how worthless, horrible and unlovable everything ever created, every single thing would be above me. And not by just a little bit. For example, I truly believe that if Jeffrey Dahmer were resurrected today, changed his lifestyle and was on a social media platform, he could convince people to live him BEFORE I could be loved or worth anything. I believe that Hitler has made more of a positive impact on this universe than I ever could. I always tell friends and acquaintances that they deserve love, they can beat positive force in this universe and they cannot make a difference. I tell them that and I mean it with my full heart. If anyone ever read this who has heard any of this from me, it is true. I believe every ounce of that...for you. If you have never met me and you're reading this, I have enough faith that you can do so much good here to move mountains. And I have the same amount of faith in the fact that I am the most worthless garbage that has ever roamed this earth.

I know that sounds bad, and I wish I could defend it in a way that you'd understand...but I can't. I'll try but the majority can't understand what it feels like to realize just how bad I am.

There are people who have never met me, people who will never interact with me who are negatively affected by the curse that is me. Every friend I've ever had, everyone I've ever let into my personal life and everyone who has ever tried to help me or invited me into their life has felt a touch of my curse and has left me or backed away from me. And what I have seen with my own eyes is when people are around me, thru are cursed; things happen that no one can explain and it's always on the negative side of luck. And as soon as they cut me out or step away from me, that curse leaves with me. They don't always want to admit it because it's not nice to say but the truth is the truth. My mere existence hurts people down to their soul.

Now, I've wrestled with this thought so much it's insane: every week, every day, every single second that I'm here, everyone on earth is hurt in some way. Whether it's deeply like losing money from cars breaking down mysteriously and frequently or small ways like suddenly things happen that hit them right in the heart...it always happens and always gets better the moment they walk away from me.

     So why do I think this, you say? Well from the moment I was born I was thrown around from adult to adult. No one wanted me and I was a burden to literally everyone who had to deal with me. I don't mean like I was a terrible two kinda kid, it was just the fact that they were stuck with me ruined their life. I've heard multiple people (my birth father being the first one of many) say they didn't want me when asked to take care of me or add me to their life in any way. 

     I'm 40 years old and I still remember the inflections in his voice when my biological father said on the phone he didn't want me. He was asked to take me in when I was...4? I think I was 4. I ended up being forced on him when I was 5 and staying there about 3 years before he couldn't stand me and forced my biological mother to take me. During that time, I had a best friend. Benji. Benji and I were best friends, I looked at him and thought he was going to be my life long partner in crime at every age. I knew him for 9 years, we were born at the same time and always got the same presents and lived 25 seconds away from each other. I moved away and THE FIRST weekend I went back to visit; not even 7 full days later, the first thing I did was went to Benji's house and he had his friends there and he told me (in 8 year old vernacular) that I wasn't welcome in his group. I walked around the corner to my biological fathe's house devastated. I looked at Benji like he was the best friend I had...and it took him less than 7 days to completely move on from my friendship too the point where I couldn't even come back and enter his friends circle. 

I remember so many different times like this and started to realize that every time some one had me in their life, things got considerably worse for them. And they thrived in such a great way when I left or when they took me out of their e life quation.

I know it sounds mean but...the facts don't lie. And then when I got a little older I noticed a new curse, any time I met someone who I truly had feelings for ended up meeting 'the one' as soon as they got away from me. This course is a one hundred percent full proof curse (or blessing of you're someone I've had real feelings for ever)

I don't believe anyone has ever actually loved me romantically so I can't really say that anyone has ever had to live me in order to get this blessing but I can say that every single person over ever had true feelings for (100% not 99.9%) is married right now and happy. Every. Single. One. And even the most recent interest of mine, I recently overheard she is getting married. Someone who never have me one second of positive attention, who I truly had deep feelings for...getting married.

So looking at all this, three only way I could be any kind of positive force in this universe is when my heart gets absolutely shredded. And as much as I can handle emotionally, that's probably one of the few things I can't handle. I don't think I can handle one more heart break, not even one more. Anna with that being said, it seems logical that every day that I'm still alive, I'm hurrying an entire universe. Every  day I exist, people are feeling the curse that haunts me. And every time I take the air, physical time and space from potentially someone else, I'm selfishly wasting life energy that someone else deserves. I'm hurting people who will have no interaction with me, people who live in other countries somehow are affected by the curse that is me.

And when I'm gone? Cures will be invented, grass will stay green and everyone in the whole world will just feel better. Everyone and everything in the entire world will heal and live and be...better. My grotesque, cursed, destructive existence will not be here to infect anything.

I have no idea what to do with this information that runs through my head day and night and it's on another realm or another plane of existence, so it's not the surface level or anything but on some level, this is what's here. I would be crying right now but my black dead heart has run out of tears, I've cried about this fact so many times as a kid and young adult. I'm just empty, like I ran out of hurt. It's a thousand times worse than hurting, knowing that it's so bad that if the idea of pain was personified it would be too hurt to go on based on how much brokenness is in me. Since no one will actually read this, I can't apologize and honestly I don't think there are words that would do justice anyway, I guess I shouldn't even try. At least it's written that I know and I am living in sorrow for all humanity and all of existence. I will try to distance myself from all things living, dead and other in your honor. Maybe not physically but on some realm I promise to try to get far enough from everyone and everything to limit the hurti would inflict on it all. You all. 

On this realm, I'm going to try my greatest to do more good than harm no matter how ties I am or how much it takes out of me. If I go full speed ahead, trying to add positive force until I burn out and destroy myself and never try find out expect anything good to come my way, maybe that will counter my curse on this universe. 

The end?

The Monster

 

     So I've spent the last 24 hours looking for something from god, some reason to keep going on or some sign that he doesn't hate me and honestly looking for a way out of this life. 

I thought of he shows me he cares or gives me summer kind of real help (praying that the sun comes up isn't really help and I'm sick of these little tiny possible signs to answer big giant life wrecking problems)

I ended up not finding a way out of life yesterday, I'm still here and what do I wake up to? What answer do I get to 'does god at least not hate me?' I wake up to find the ONLY thing that has ever been physically successful in my entire miserable life gone.

You may call it stupid or not very important or whatever but my TikTok account with over 60,000 followers was the most successful thing I've ever been a part of, ever. By a lot.

Every job I've had, even ones i didn't hate, I've been a failure at. Every attempt to make something, every little venture I've ever dreamed of has ended in complete failure.

Some was because I didn't try hard enough and some have Benn because I didn't know what I was doing our I didn't have the resources or many reasons like that, reasons that I'm at fault; some more than half...a lot of reasons were god. God has fine a lot to prove he hates me, he wants me stuck in the disgusting pit he's forced me in my whole life.

The minute I was born, I was given a disadvantage with an abusive hateful family. None of them ever wanted me, never knew how to love each other and definitely didn't know how to love me. I can remember so many times where I was proven at a very young age that I'm not worth anything to people, from being left at places by patents to seeing best friends tell me to go away to having the only girl I ever truly loved drop me.

Every single positive thing in my life has been immediately countered by something so big (whether it's big because I wanted it so badly or big in terms of something everyone sees as big) that I can't come back from, something I couldn't stop.

I don't know if god hates me, wants me to be hiring or of he just doesn't care what happens to me but he's definitely had a hand in how things turn out and it's definitely always ended against me. I don't know how to keep responding when each thing hits harder than the next.

As a nine or ten year old I realized that any time I was given a very small blessing of any kind, it was met with a giant painful tragedy and it's almost immediate every time.

I renewed being young, around 10, I had what I thought was the best day playing with friends. I don't remember what we did or what happened but I felt like I was on top of the world.

I came inside, a place I thought was 'my home' and my birth mother's boyfriend was sitting on the couch with a large knife. It was covered with something red.

I stopped with terror, all things from that day vanished in an instant. I felt heaviness of whatever was going on. At 9 years old I felt the heaviness of the cold real world. All the innocence of a 1992 ten year olds building forts/running around playing games drained from me in that very spot withy the front door still opened.

He looked at me, told me to shut the door we need to talk. I did and sat on the floor, my normal sitting spot. He told me he and my mom had a fight. (Normal, I thought) but this one was different. Worse. They fought to a point he'd never seen before.

She was violent. He was angry. They threw things and screamed hate. The fact that he pointed out this fight was like nothing before terrified me. I heard every fight, I was used to screaming the worst things at each other. He said she took "this knife" and waves it at him.

Then he told me she was done. She put it to her own neck and sliced. Eat to ear was the phrase he used. He said she was dead in the other room and he didn't know what to do. I froze, unable to breathe, unable to run, unable to feel the tears running down my face. My mom, who I had always wanted to love...she was...dead. I looked around and stuttered trying to chime up with some response to that. What do you say to that? I still, at 40 years old, have no idea what to say to that.

Then just as I was about to scream, my mother walked out of the bedroom. She was fine. No cuts, no knife wounds. Not even an angry face. She likes like she was getting ready for work or to make dinner or something menial like that. She didn't realize I was more terrified than I had ever been, she walked by me as of nothing was wrong.

I broke that day. I broke in a way I still can't and don't comprehend. 

How could someone tell a 10 year old something like that?

Why would anyone ever make a kid think that?

Why would he do that if there wasn't any kind of tragedy going on? 

     I don't know if they even had a fight. I don't know what was in that knife, what he was thinking, or what she was thinking. 

That's how that interaction ended. I went to my room frozen by inability to understand any of that and they went about their day. I never forgot that, not the day not the moment and not the feeling of being there through it all.

I've got countless other memories of moments when I was feeling on top of the world and in moments I lost everything. In fact every time I felt even kinda good about myself, something destroyed whatever made me feel good and me and everything around me.

The day my uncle hung himself (the first of two times and the only unsuccessful attempt) I went to a camp with a church I just found. I was there and had an experience I've never felt before, that snow camo gave me hope I never thought I could have and on the long bud ride back things got even better. The group I was with shared emotions, cried together, I actually felt like I was a part of the group. It was a high that I still can't understand...and then minutes after I got back...

It was like God saw that I wasn't in pain and took offense. I walked into a destroyed living room, police tape everywhere and no one home except my grandmother. She didn't talk to me or even come out of her room till hours later but I knew something was life changing bad, I felt it in my soul.

She told me my uncle hung himself and she found him. Now I know that wasn't about me in his world, but it STILL feels like God himself did that just to destroy any assemblance of goodness that built up in my life. Like he saw that I worked through abuse, I worked through being kicked out of school, I worked through never being loved, I pushed through having no friends and wanting to die every single day...and he couldn't let that happen. Like the plan is for me to never feel any kind of positivity, and the fact that I did (even see it in other people, I didn't fully experience it) made him angry. 

So from birth I've been cursed, my very existence was an insult to the God that people talk about being only good. And I've seen nothing but that being proven. Always. Like I'm the exact opposite of chosen, I was chosen to be eternally hopeless and heartless and broken and unlovable and forever a failure for everything and everyone.

Last night, June 22, 2022 I tried to save everyone. I tried to save the entire planet and make this world a bit better by taking me off of it...and I failed. I'm still here and I want to apologize to everyone alive for that.

I'm sorry. Please know that I want to make everyone's lives better. I never wanted anyone to ever be hurt or annoyed or ruined because of me. I loved do many people, so much that it hurts. And my only true desire was to be loved, in the friend/family way and romantically. But the more I see if this world, three more I comprehend the fact that the only way I can actually love anyone is by getting away from them. I don't even know if heaven or hell are far enough away from people, maybe I'll have to protect people in those places too. I don't know.

I wish I had tears right now, I wish I could tell you that I'm sobbing right this second but I'm not. I'm empty, lost to even the lost realms and my greatest fear is a cold hard truth, if I love you; if I truly love you, the best thing I can do for you is run till there is nowhere to run and then find a way to keep going further away. 

I am the monster that even Satan has nightmares about. I am worse than the most evil force that ever existed. And I hope you know...I'm sorry

Talking about my mentality

     So I recently did a thing, something I'm kind of embarrassed about. No, I didn't commit any crimes or really hurt anyone; I asked someone to be my friend.

Did I get your attention? Hope so, because I need to talk it out and figure out how to change myself here. Before I explain, let me iterate. Is iterate a word? I know reiterate is but that's stating something more than once, right? I'm rambling...ok back on track:

So, like many stories this one starts with "So there's this girl..." 

(And before you say anything, I'm trans. I know this. Just to clear this up, that's about my internal comfort not about my sexuality. Aaaand I know it's confusing, I know it throws a wrench into a lot of things. I'm trying to find a way to be both comfortable AND navigate areas of life that it affects)

So...there's this girl. I work with her. And without her knowledge, she broke into my personal broken and very guarded bubble of emotions. I honestly still don't know how but she did with just a smile.

For the sake of this public post, I'm going to call her...Angel. Yeah, so I saw Angel kinda a long time ago but knew somehow that if I even thought about her for one second, I'd feel something for her and I avoided her like she was a spider and I was, well, me. That was fine, one day I ended working in her area and she (not knowing anything about me, just being nice) offered some help with what I was doing.

We ended up talking and I found out she was in a serious relationship, and a few things that she likes and just kinda talked. Now I am very very serious about lushly so when I heard she's taken, I knew I was right to avoid her. Politely, of course, but I didn't allow myself to think a single thought and all was what it was.

Because I'm very good at being invisible, one day I overheard the person she was with and serious about cheated on here...a lot. Initially I wanted to be so angry, because even though I avoided her and did what I had to in order to not think about her, she means something to me. I walked away and couldn't help but think about what if we became friends and (for once in my life) it could work out. I know, it's too soon and she has zero interest in me AND she's gotta be hurting so I didn't do anything romantic or anything like that. I just made myself a little more open and social. 

I'm an introvert so it took me weeks to even be able to open up, to anyone not just her. I made myself visible, I talked to people instead of quietly walking by and waving, I tried to be...not me. And it worked. 

I think somewhere in me it's a talkative human that's been beaten down and ground into a painfully shy introverted mouse. And I was genuinely trying to bring that human out more and more. I think she noticed that I was at least being a little more social, she said hi to me more and more, she smiled when she saw me and I tried to not overdo it but I responded in kind.

So valentine's day came around and I really wanted to do something nice for her. Not exactly to get closer but I knew she was probably hurting about everything and I wanted to make her smile, like for real not. Be flattered. Maybe even be happy in some small way.

I stopped at a store before work and bought her a generic card. In the card I said I wanted her to smile because her smile makes the whole world a little big brighter and cake here the most beautiful girl in the world. 

I planned on giving it to her when I saw her and I was excited, nervous, genuinely hoping it made her smile a real smile. I didn't expect anything back or want to get closer to her really, at best I wanted to open a door to friendship.

So, I went to work...aaaand she was super busy all day. Like 'didn't stop even once' busy. Of. Course.

Plus she didn't seem sad or anything, so I didn't give it to her. Days went by and I didn't see her even once. Seven days in fact and we didn't work the same schedule. I had the card with me, debated leaving it on her desk and decided I had to either hand it to her or drop it and let it go. (I should have done tha, I'm not smart enough to listen to my own good advice though.)

So one week after V day, I decided that if I get a moment to talk to her I'd give her the card and I'd there was absolutely no time to catch her, I'd throw it away. All day I worked at the opposite end of the building and I thought that was it. That's my answer. The universe said no.

Then just as I was cleaning up to leave, she walked next to me and said hi. "THIS IS IT!" I thought. "This is my chance!" So I stopped here and have her the card, through a nervous voice. She gave me a hug, then left. Cool. Hopefully she liked it. I didn't see her for maybe 2 weeks because it just worked out that way.

I just wanted to see her long enough to say hi, see how she responds to the card and my hope was too ask her to give me a call or hang out. I know this is forward for this story but my thought was, I'm not trying to actually get into a relationship, I just leaned how to open up in any way so I just wanted to get to know her and potentially bean actual friend outside of work.

3 weeks go buy and I didn't see her even once. I was terrified that she hated that I have her the V day card and didn't know what to do. I did know that is she wasn't okay with it, I was going to be so invisible that she wouldn't know I existed even if I was right next to her. I was not, am not, will not ever be a person who pushes anyone to do anything they aren't comfortable with.

Ok, so in that 3 weeks I considered writing a letter to her; just asking her if she wanted/needed a friend. I figured if I give here a letter, she doesn't have to look at me if she wasn't okay with it. I said something like of she doesn't want to call or hang out I wouldn't bother her. 

I obviously write a letter, debated leaving it on her desk, didn't, did, didn't, put it on her desk then took it off...over that 3 weeks. Then, I did it. I put it on her desk on a Friday. I left it there and left for the weekend.

Nerves ran through me, I was happy because I thought at the least she might smile. Like, even if she's not interested in being something serious, shed possibly at least be a friend. 

All weekend I pictured her calling and saying she just wanted someone to talk to, or texting me. Some kind of small talk or basic friend type conversation. Didn't hear from here Saturday, then Sunday, then Monday and by Tuesday I worked a close schedule and she didn't say hi or smile like before. And...there it was...all the thoughts I considered absolutely shattered as she clearly didn't like that I did anything. 

The valentine's day card, the letter, the talking to her more. I had given negativity to the girl I've been thinking about day and night for almost a year. Every ounce of socialness (is that a word?) drained out of me in a matter of seconds as the realization hit me that I'd never get to be a friend. And the thought of not ending up with her...that still hurts ass I type out right now. I avoided her hard! I have her so much space that since then, she might not even know I still work there. 

A few weeks after that, a coworker found out I was the one who gave her the letter and that person told me she wasn't happy about it, though any details weren't given to said coworker. She made it clear to that person that Angel is essentially grossed out (my words based on the conversation) by me and that even being a friend isn't even a thing she'd ever even consider.

Since then I've not seen her for literally 2 seconds, she never said a word to me and I'm trying my best to move on. It's not working but that has nothing to do with her, it's my problem alone to deal with. 

Sooo...the reason I said I'm embarrassed, you say? Well there's a while other side to this, my side.

     So I've been broken for a while now. I was in a really bad relationship about 7 years ago, the person I was with was manipulative and really damaged me. She physically assaulted me once, did all the stereotypical narcissist things and in the end, I was unable to feel. 

3 years ago, of the girl of my dreams had walked up to me and begged me to date her, I would have had no problem saying no. I wasn't even capable of love it anything. I was actually starting to think I might be a sociopath, like for real. I shut all feelings off and that's very very not like me. At all. I've been a hopeless romantic since I was 6, so to not even be able to want love, that scared me.

2 years ago, I started mentally prepare to not live long. I didn't know quite what that meant but it started beginning apparent that I'm not made to last here, I had no real friends who I can lean on or spend time with, I have absolutely no path or purpose and I was losing control of my ability to care, about anything.

The only thing that happened that was any good was a social media platform I started to succeed with. That's not enough to keep me from preparing for my end, but it was cool. 

Then, about a year ago something happened. I saw this girl. My heart literally skipped a beat. I couldn't breathe and just her smile (not at me) made my entire day bright. I had a feeling! It shocked me. It confused me. I didn't know how to react.

I'm really sensitive to emotions of others, even when someone feels something and don't show it, I can feel it. And something that seemed greater than me seemed to magnetically pull me to Angel. When I first realized this, I avoided her but that magnetism was really strong. It wasn't because she's pretty (although she is literally the most beautiful girl in the world, whether she loves me or hates me, I can't deny that), it wasn't because she had something or did something; it was like her soul called out to me in a different realm, or so I thought.

At that time I was still heavily convinced that my end was coming within days, weeks or maybe months. So thinking about that, every single day that I didn't end gave me the thought, "This could be the last time I talk to this person." Or "This could be the last time I ride my bike down this street." Everything could be a last time ever.

It was weird to feel some kind of spiritual cosmic feeling but also be ready to go. Angel had and has no idea any of this is going on, she knows absolutely nothing about me or exactly how I feel...and she won't.

I refused to say I love her because I didn't get close enough to love, but I think it's safe to say I do. I love her enough to exit her life before I really enter and let her be happy. 

And one more thing, I have this curse. Well it's a curse to me, it's kinda a great thing to others. 

One is: when I leave anyone's life, their life gets better. Things start going their way and luck seems to find them.

The other is whenever I truly love someone, they find their 'one' and so far every single person who finds someone ends up living happily ever after. So Angel is about to find her perfect person, she'll get married within...I'll say, within 2 years she'll be married and have at least one child. 

Neither curse has even one opposing evidence. Not even one. 

I guess the bright side is in a way I'm making Angel happy...glass half full, right? 

That's the story of how I met someone else's love, kids.

I See Things on a Deeper Level

     Friday March 25, 2022 - I'm awake a few hours before my alarm, I should be asleep but I woke up with this feeling; this 'something big is going to do something big' feeling. I don't know what that means, I wish I did. I don't know if that is some deep premonition or if I should not eat spicy food before going to sleep but this instinctive feeling woke me up from a nightmare so...here I am.

     I have this persistent desire to find this big thing that's doing big things and...help it or stop it or make it grow or chop it down...I DON'T KNOW WHAT, something.

I get these feelings, these thoughts sometimes. Always have and sometimes I fear I always will. It's like I see things on a different level than just the world we all walk on. More than just ones and zeroes or skin and bones, I see potential as real as the grass that I can touch and intentions or emotions as personal as friends I know.

I've had this ability for a long time, I remember as a kid seeing things in people; things like their heart as if they hopes and dreams right in front of me.

To give an example: in the early 90's I was a kid and I saw this commercial for some cheesy movie. Or was originally called Stepkids (later renamed Big Girls Don't Cry...They Get Even) and something in the commercial shouted to me that I had to see it. And I don't mean that it was week made or it was really good because...it wasn't really that good.

 

I just knew beneath the script or the plot there was something so deeply important to my being that I had to experience it. I was 9 or 10 when I went through this, not exactly something I hear 9 year olds talk about or care about. I remember thinking my destiny, my whole world, needed to see it.

And out of the experience of seeing some movie in 1991, something stuck out to me that to this day still hours depths in me that I can't explain fully: Adrienne Shelly. 

Adrienne Shelly was an actress who had depth most people don't know ever existed, and I as a small child felt that. I felt it through some movie that she didn't enjoy being a part of, and I never had the pleasure of meeting her or even being in the same area ever. But something in her acting in that movie...something touched my very soul.

Her greatest desires were, I found out in 2022 in a documentary about her, to have a daughter and to be part of something bigger than just herself. Back then I didn't know why but I felt her spirit in a way through a small role she had in that B movie and I felt as if we were not connected necessarily but we had the same kind of soul.

I watched the documentary about her murder and every single word she says, every movement she makes, I can feel her hopes and dreams as if she's telling me in specific detail in her own words.

     That's not the only time I've felt this, I randomly meet people who make me nervous or who I feel an absolute need to know. So many times I don't understand why but someone will make such a deep impression on me with only a few words or even just being near me. Sometimes I know exactly why like when it's someone to stay away from, sometimes a person's aura just feeds me in a strange way, I just want to soak up every bit of someone's energy and bathe in their thoughts, drink from their love and breathe in their every glance. 

Sometimes I only know I want to be around them and hear what their soul says to me, like some misunderstood whisperer, only I know that's not exactly how this is. I have no power or talent of any kind. It's not magic or anything that anyone else can't do, I probably went through trauma as a kid that left me sensitive to the way certain people act or speak. 

     Whatever the reason, it would be up hours early this morning and I watched a few minutes of Adrienne Shelly's last movie, Waitress. I didn't get some divine message from it, well nothing deeper than anything any person who watches it could get. The only thing that hit me right now is that I see people's souls, potential and dreams just as much as I can see their skin, clothes and hair. (Not physically, I hope that's clear. I promise I'm not crazy...I hope.)

Maybe I shouldn't write at 4 in the morning but I feel something big coming. Something that may seem like nothing on the surface but beneath that it's life changing...I just hope it's what I want it to be. ❤️

I Can't Escape It

     I had a dream last night and I don't think another dream has ever scared me this much before.

I had this dream that I was invited to someone's house for dinner, I didn't want to go because I was hurting too much; hurting too much inside. They kept trying to bring me inside and treat me like part of their family. And after a while of them trying unsuccessfully, they took my bike away from me and said I could only get it back after dinner.

I sat down and could barely handle it. I wanted to cry, to sob, right there at the table. I felt like hopelessness would have been a step up, as if I knew there was not a single thing on earth that could fix...me. I tried, I really tried to just be normal and calm and smile but I just barely kept tears from pouring down my face.

After about 5 minutes of everyone around me talking and greeting each other and laughter, someone brought the dinner out. I was slightly eased by the fact that the dinner meant I could leave sooner.

They brought the actual plate of food in using my bicycle to carry it and the moment they put the food on the table, I politely (as politely as I was able through tears and a forced smile), I took the handlebars of my bike, walked it out the door and started riding down the street.

As I rode, I just started sobbing, harder than I ever have before. I couldn't control the painh for another second and I fell on some grass in some yard. It must have been my place because I walked to the back yard and opened a shed door.

As I opened the door and guided my bike in, I felt like someone was following me. I imagined someone coming to steal my bike and kill me. I had that second of fear but the hopelessness and emptiness took over and I hoped I was right, I wanted someone to come and end me. I stepped out of the shed, dropped the bike behind me and waited for someone to do it. I held my hands up in the air in a "what now" pose and closed my eyes (I was crying so hard, I can still feel that emotion as I'm writing this hours later) 

When no one came to rob me, I just dropped to the ground, no energy to even stand anymore. I began loudly sobbing, moaning and screaming that I just want to be done (though I was more blunt with my words. It's actually hard to type the exact words at the moment) 

And in a heap on the ground, as I wailed in the most empty terrifying pain I had ever known, I lsot that feeling that someone was around even to hurt me. There was no one to help me or do anything about the pain, there was no one to attack me or steal from me, there was...just...no one. Anywhere.

I remember looking around and all the cars in the street nearby were in the road, abandoned with some doors still opened and there was faint music coming from someone's house and thie erie sound of win became louder even though there was no actual win blowing. It was like an empty sound filling everything.

I woke up sobbing and saying the phrase I screamed in my dream and looking around for someone to please attack me (or hug me or to someone how make it better, however that happened) My hands were clenched so hard I have a cut on the inside of my palm and I still, this very second, feel like emptiness is more painful than any physical pain.

     I'm trying so hard to hold out for some...thing, some miracle. I just...I'm running out of reasons to believe in anything anymore. Sorry this isn't more positive, but this is as honest and vulnerable as I truly am. 

     Searching for...something. Anything.