Why do I Love Horror?

     I love horror films, I have since I was a little kid. And not only do I love them but I love every aspect of the genre, I love bad horror movies, great ones, how they're made and what goes into the psychology of creating a truly scary movie.

     The question was proposed: why? Why do I love seeing all that gore or suspense or why do I enjoy seeing a character that harms people? The question why is an interesting one and I want to explore that in me and in society. Let's get into it.

     Starting with me, I saw my first horror...well suspense movie when I was 2 years old. It was the first movie I ever watched, I watched a scene on a beach when a woman was swimming and something grabbed her. Jaws made a huge impact on me at that young age and my first reaction (as I've been told by relatives many many times) was how I saw the movie from the shark's point of view. At 2 years old, I cried when they killed the shark because my innocence didn't understand the shark was endangering people. 

But here's something that ALSO happened subconsciously: that movie put my fears into a box. At the time I'm sure I had simple fears; things that a 2-4 year old are scared of can be considered simple to us at 20-30 or older, right? A few years later when I was dealing with family abuse and being bullied and not fitting in, things that teenagers deal with, and I realized that those horror movies became an escape and it taught my mind how to put fear in a box.

     Here's the societal part of this: more often than not, we find ways to cope with terrible things by putting our fears in a certain box. If we contain our fear, whether it's by running away from it or putting a face on it or running at it head on, just about everyone puts their personal fear in a box.

George Romero explained Night of the Living Dead as his depiction of aids, racism and anything that we face that cannot be stopped no matter how far away it is and how slowly it comes at us. That movie gave death (something we can try but never outrun) a face and a mental idea of how to look at it, we put death in a box with zombie movies. These fears or concepts are hard to fathom and can be destructive to our conscious minds, so gaining some control over how we understand these can be really helpful in truly grasping what they can be or do. 

     Another thing I personally use on a regular basis that came from horror films is sensitivity to situations, to people and to real life potential dangers. Probably the most relatable example of this is from a 2003 movie that shows a traffic scene where a truck holding logs is in front of the protagonist. It definitely created some over thinking of that particular scenario but the positive thing it DID do was give many of us a sensitivity to our own surroundings. 

We watch movies where a masked villain is following  the main character and we, as a society, look around when we're in situations where there could be someone following us later in life. And again, though we'll have many times where we're overanalyzing moments, there are times when wedevelope more sensitivity to actual dangerous times and have caught ourselves before entering actual danger.

     So in answering this question, it's been eye opening to dissect and figure out why I love horror movies on both a conscious and subconscious level. I think those of us who are able to see these films and hear these stories with our subconscious open to what the underlying lesson is can actually help in ways. All of that is said with the knowledge that there is a 'too much' of literally everything, so limiting even favorite things is always smart. And not liking horrors only means you are in a different phase or you aren't in need of quarantining some aspects of life, it's very interesting to be in every phase of your subconscious life.

     If this helped you in any way, please let me know. We can learn a lot from why we enjoy things we enjoy and how we react to things. Thank you for reading this far and I hope you have a legendary day!

Breaking Down Negativity and Two Questions

     So my entire goal for writing this is to explore and examine my inner demons, to learn what triggers negativity  and to better understand how I can make myself a better person.

     The first step in attaining a higher comprehension of my inner demons is identifying what exactly is going on that causes concerns in me. The biggest one, of course, has been suicidal thoughts and hatred of myself from a a very young age.

Another was my lack of ambition and lack of a drive to do really anything in life; not that I never tried to succeed but I definitely always felt like there has been a weight on my metaphorical back when it comes to pushing myself to do a lot of things.

     Since I was very young, my inner demons have been meticulously picking at my confidence, my
ambition and planting seeds of death regularly. Specifically those areas have been attacked more than anything else, I always hear people talk about peer pressure but that was minimal and when that did happen it rarely changed my mind. But when it came to me being confident at age 7 or 9 or 14, it was very clear that there's a huge problem. That's just one example, those areas were similarly butchered in just about every way.

     The second step in this is understanding triggers and learning why they're triggering me.
So I knew for a long time that the word family hurts, hearing about good families tends to have negative affects on my mood and psyche. With this, I've been trying to aim my negative energy at helping those families when I can instead of just feeling the rage.

I know all of that is jealousy, something that is never  helpful for a person who suffers from depression or suicidal issues. I have other triggers that I'm still learning to this day and I'm still trying to understand where each one comes from and why it affects me the way it does.

     The third step is actually doing something, the hard step. Its putting the knowledge I gained into play. Example: I bite my nails, then I figure out when I do it and what makes me do it. THEN I have to figure out ways to stop or slow down that and do it; holding things or asking friends to tell you when they see you doing it or some other way that works.

Anyway, this is clearly the step that takes mental energy to do whatever is needed and it's usually the step that stops me with some of the petty stuff and it's also the step that I've encountered most in my life for things that are deeper or bigger, like growing as a person and stopping doing things like saying certain words or thinking a certain way. But I digress...

     Currently, I'm in every step with different things and that takes a ton of energy out of me regularly. I've identified a few really giant big things that triggered or aided my suicidal thoughts for a long time and I'm working on step 3 and going through the act of doing a lot of stuff (anyone who has read my blog knows at least the more noteworthy things)

I'm also still trying to identify some things that affect my mood and things that scare me or push my anxiety buttons, stuff like that in hopes of finding ways to either avoid or fix those things.

There is a step 4. Oh yes, there is.

Step 4 is looking at life without the negativity accrued in life and making goals and plans that the hindrances would have stopped. It's another kinda hard step but that one is fun; it's when effects start actually manifest themselves into the physical world.

Example: I used to bite my nails, in fact ever since I was about 2 I couldn't go more than an hour without biting them. About a year ago I started painting them and the minute I did that, something clicked and I have not bitten them regularly even once. So now, on step 4, I actually have longer nails. Now I still have a few moments where my nail will break and I don't have clippers to fix that so I'll bite them just enough to fix the break but I don't bite my nails without realizing it at all anymore and I don't feel the burning need to bite therm anymore. It's a great feeling to have nails and I absolutely love painting them so it's a two-fold positive.

     Because I'm not trying to make this one post into a book, I'm gonna give a little update about my life and end it for the day. Ok? Ok.

I've been on hormones for almost a month now; I feel some small differences emotionally for the better. I feel oddly more calm in some ways, which has made it a little tiny bit easier to handle some of the stresses I deal with daily. Not that I'm handling them a lot better but this is an important start to being able to handle anxiety and take on more responsibilities  I'm also starting to see some small effects on my body that are so close to being noticeable by others. I was at the gym recently and felt a very new movement by a certain area on me; that was the first change I've felt in any way and it helps  to know the HRT is actually working. I've had dreams lately that I find out the pills I've been taking were fake and I had to live as my old self, which is unbearable a tthis point. I've come too far.

The ONE time I disagree with Ferris Beuller

     I'm getting used to being called by my new name by those willing to use it and I love it! I asked my boss to use that and she has been, which led to other coworkers being fully supportive and happy to call me Layla. I adore it every time I see my list of things to do for work and see Layla at the top, it's so sweet of them to be so helpful in that way.

Another thing is Monster Mania! I am so excited to go this year, I'm gonna meet Richard Dreyfuss!

I'm going to meet the only living main actor from my alltime favorite movie, the first movie I ever watched.

I'm also excited for MM because I'm going to dress and cosplay as Layla in public. I'm scared but I want to do my makeup, go and have fun, meet new people and not worry about having to pretend to be "a guy". It's gonna be so much fun to be in a group of people who aren't going to judge me for what I dress like and just all have fun. (March 9-12)

     So I have two questions I want opinions about:
1. What should I ask Richard Dreyfuss? I'm not good at spur of the moment thinking so I'm trying to think of at least one question so I don't sound stupid. (Last time I went without thinking about what to say beforehand, I ended up saying, "Uhh...I'm a big fan." and really not much else to Emily Kinney. Not happening again like that.)

2. Would you buy/wear clothes with my logo on them? The proceeds would go to my transition and honestly, I want to raise awareness for myself and others who are fogotten and left out in this world. Please give me opinions and thoughts on this.

Thank you for reading, your virtual support means a lot more to me than I could explain.