Not just Something...Everything.

   So in a few weeks, I went from: having a really great friend, a community that meant the world to me, a job that I was proud of and a plan to having no job (at least a tthe moment), no best friend kinda people and I just moved to a new town. Oh and the community I was invested in is now in question.

Aaaand it's pretty much all my fault.Yay.

   Oh and I'm staying away from virtually all social media for an indefinite ambiguous amount of time, and I never knew just how much it affects my world to not be on almost any social media platforms.

   I was doing ok during the day today, I went for a bike ride where I saw a bunch of really cool stuff and places in the town I just moved to, but tonight was/is really rough. I'm alone. Like no one in a million miles/pretty sure everyone who has ever interacted with me has forgotten completely that I ever existed/even watching stuff I really like doesn't even come close to quenching that need I have for people even though I push people away before I realize just how much I pushed them away.

Wow, that was a lot, and for a bonus it really hurt to write all that.

   I need to change. My personality, my heart, my...geez everything. I always knew I suck but boy did I underestimate just how much I suck. To anyone who has had to put up with me, I'm sorry. You're a saint for not leaving sooner.

Damn. I'm not even sad I'm just...damn.

I got what I deserved, right?

What dreams may come, what nightmares dwell.

When lightness and love are drug to hell.

What's seen is felt, what darts are dealt, what darkness grows, what rainbows melt.

When the day grows dim, 

when reality's claw starts to sink in,

when the walls close in and fill everything in,

when even the most inconsequential smallest pieces of treasure have been burned to ashes

and when hope has been erased,

that's where my tears were buried and my soul died.

Why do I Love Horror?

     I love horror films, I have since I was a little kid. And not only do I love them but I love every aspect of the genre, I love bad horror movies, great ones, how they're made and what goes into the psychology of creating a truly scary movie.

     The question was proposed: why? Why do I love seeing all that gore or suspense or why do I enjoy seeing a character that harms people? The question why is an interesting one and I want to explore that in me and in society. Let's get into it.

     Starting with me, I saw my first horror...well suspense movie when I was 2 years old. It was the first movie I ever watched, I watched a scene on a beach when a woman was swimming and something grabbed her. Jaws made a huge impact on me at that young age and my first reaction (as I've been told by relatives many many times) was how I saw the movie from the shark's point of view. At 2 years old, I cried when they killed the shark because my innocence didn't understand the shark was endangering people. 

But here's something that ALSO happened subconsciously: that movie put my fears into a box. At the time I'm sure I had simple fears; things that a 2-4 year old are scared of can be considered simple to us at 20-30 or older, right? A few years later when I was dealing with family abuse and being bullied and not fitting in, things that teenagers deal with, and I realized that those horror movies became an escape and it taught my mind how to put fear in a box.

     Here's the societal part of this: more often than not, we find ways to cope with terrible things by putting our fears in a certain box. If we contain our fear, whether it's by running away from it or putting a face on it or running at it head on, just about everyone puts their personal fear in a box.

George Romero explained Night of the Living Dead as his depiction of aids, racism and anything that we face that cannot be stopped no matter how far away it is and how slowly it comes at us. That movie gave death (something we can try but never outrun) a face and a mental idea of how to look at it, we put death in a box with zombie movies. These fears or concepts are hard to fathom and can be destructive to our conscious minds, so gaining some control over how we understand these can be really helpful in truly grasping what they can be or do. 

     Another thing I personally use on a regular basis that came from horror films is sensitivity to situations, to people and to real life potential dangers. Probably the most relatable example of this is from a 2003 movie that shows a traffic scene where a truck holding logs is in front of the protagonist. It definitely created some over thinking of that particular scenario but the positive thing it DID do was give many of us a sensitivity to our own surroundings. 

We watch movies where a masked villain is following  the main character and we, as a society, look around when we're in situations where there could be someone following us later in life. And again, though we'll have many times where we're overanalyzing moments, there are times when wedevelope more sensitivity to actual dangerous times and have caught ourselves before entering actual danger.

     So in answering this question, it's been eye opening to dissect and figure out why I love horror movies on both a conscious and subconscious level. I think those of us who are able to see these films and hear these stories with our subconscious open to what the underlying lesson is can actually help in ways. All of that is said with the knowledge that there is a 'too much' of literally everything, so limiting even favorite things is always smart. And not liking horrors only means you are in a different phase or you aren't in need of quarantining some aspects of life, it's very interesting to be in every phase of your subconscious life.

     If this helped you in any way, please let me know. We can learn a lot from why we enjoy things we enjoy and how we react to things. Thank you for reading this far and I hope you have a legendary day!

Talking about my mentality

     So I recently did a thing, something I'm kind of embarrassed about. No, I didn't commit any crimes or really hurt anyone; I asked someone to be my friend.

Did I get your attention? Hope so, because I need to talk it out and figure out how to change myself here. Before I explain, let me iterate. Is iterate a word? I know reiterate is but that's stating something more than once, right? I'm rambling...ok back on track:

So, like many stories this one starts with "So there's this girl..." 

(And before you say anything, I'm trans. I know this. Just to clear this up, that's about my internal comfort not about my sexuality. Aaaand I know it's confusing, I know it throws a wrench into a lot of things. I'm trying to find a way to be both comfortable AND navigate areas of life that it affects)

So...there's this girl. I work with her. And without her knowledge, she broke into my personal broken and very guarded bubble of emotions. I honestly still don't know how but she did with just a smile.

For the sake of this public post, I'm going to call her...Angel. Yeah, so I saw Angel kinda a long time ago but knew somehow that if I even thought about her for one second, I'd feel something for her and I avoided her like she was a spider and I was, well, me. That was fine, one day I ended working in her area and she (not knowing anything about me, just being nice) offered some help with what I was doing.

We ended up talking and I found out she was in a serious relationship, and a few things that she likes and just kinda talked. Now I am very very serious about lushly so when I heard she's taken, I knew I was right to avoid her. Politely, of course, but I didn't allow myself to think a single thought and all was what it was.

Because I'm very good at being invisible, one day I overheard the person she was with and serious about cheated on here...a lot. Initially I wanted to be so angry, because even though I avoided her and did what I had to in order to not think about her, she means something to me. I walked away and couldn't help but think about what if we became friends and (for once in my life) it could work out. I know, it's too soon and she has zero interest in me AND she's gotta be hurting so I didn't do anything romantic or anything like that. I just made myself a little more open and social. 

I'm an introvert so it took me weeks to even be able to open up, to anyone not just her. I made myself visible, I talked to people instead of quietly walking by and waving, I tried to be...not me. And it worked. 

I think somewhere in me it's a talkative human that's been beaten down and ground into a painfully shy introverted mouse. And I was genuinely trying to bring that human out more and more. I think she noticed that I was at least being a little more social, she said hi to me more and more, she smiled when she saw me and I tried to not overdo it but I responded in kind.

So valentine's day came around and I really wanted to do something nice for her. Not exactly to get closer but I knew she was probably hurting about everything and I wanted to make her smile, like for real not. Be flattered. Maybe even be happy in some small way.

I stopped at a store before work and bought her a generic card. In the card I said I wanted her to smile because her smile makes the whole world a little big brighter and cake here the most beautiful girl in the world. 

I planned on giving it to her when I saw her and I was excited, nervous, genuinely hoping it made her smile a real smile. I didn't expect anything back or want to get closer to her really, at best I wanted to open a door to friendship.

So, I went to work...aaaand she was super busy all day. Like 'didn't stop even once' busy. Of. Course.

Plus she didn't seem sad or anything, so I didn't give it to her. Days went by and I didn't see her even once. Seven days in fact and we didn't work the same schedule. I had the card with me, debated leaving it on her desk and decided I had to either hand it to her or drop it and let it go. (I should have done tha, I'm not smart enough to listen to my own good advice though.)

So one week after V day, I decided that if I get a moment to talk to her I'd give her the card and I'd there was absolutely no time to catch her, I'd throw it away. All day I worked at the opposite end of the building and I thought that was it. That's my answer. The universe said no.

Then just as I was cleaning up to leave, she walked next to me and said hi. "THIS IS IT!" I thought. "This is my chance!" So I stopped here and have her the card, through a nervous voice. She gave me a hug, then left. Cool. Hopefully she liked it. I didn't see her for maybe 2 weeks because it just worked out that way.

I just wanted to see her long enough to say hi, see how she responds to the card and my hope was too ask her to give me a call or hang out. I know this is forward for this story but my thought was, I'm not trying to actually get into a relationship, I just leaned how to open up in any way so I just wanted to get to know her and potentially bean actual friend outside of work.

3 weeks go buy and I didn't see her even once. I was terrified that she hated that I have her the V day card and didn't know what to do. I did know that is she wasn't okay with it, I was going to be so invisible that she wouldn't know I existed even if I was right next to her. I was not, am not, will not ever be a person who pushes anyone to do anything they aren't comfortable with.

Ok, so in that 3 weeks I considered writing a letter to her; just asking her if she wanted/needed a friend. I figured if I give here a letter, she doesn't have to look at me if she wasn't okay with it. I said something like of she doesn't want to call or hang out I wouldn't bother her. 

I obviously write a letter, debated leaving it on her desk, didn't, did, didn't, put it on her desk then took it off...over that 3 weeks. Then, I did it. I put it on her desk on a Friday. I left it there and left for the weekend.

Nerves ran through me, I was happy because I thought at the least she might smile. Like, even if she's not interested in being something serious, shed possibly at least be a friend. 

All weekend I pictured her calling and saying she just wanted someone to talk to, or texting me. Some kind of small talk or basic friend type conversation. Didn't hear from here Saturday, then Sunday, then Monday and by Tuesday I worked a close schedule and she didn't say hi or smile like before. And...there it was...all the thoughts I considered absolutely shattered as she clearly didn't like that I did anything. 

The valentine's day card, the letter, the talking to her more. I had given negativity to the girl I've been thinking about day and night for almost a year. Every ounce of socialness (is that a word?) drained out of me in a matter of seconds as the realization hit me that I'd never get to be a friend. And the thought of not ending up with her...that still hurts ass I type out right now. I avoided her hard! I have her so much space that since then, she might not even know I still work there. 

A few weeks after that, a coworker found out I was the one who gave her the letter and that person told me she wasn't happy about it, though any details weren't given to said coworker. She made it clear to that person that Angel is essentially grossed out (my words based on the conversation) by me and that even being a friend isn't even a thing she'd ever even consider.

Since then I've not seen her for literally 2 seconds, she never said a word to me and I'm trying my best to move on. It's not working but that has nothing to do with her, it's my problem alone to deal with. 

Sooo...the reason I said I'm embarrassed, you say? Well there's a while other side to this, my side.

     So I've been broken for a while now. I was in a really bad relationship about 7 years ago, the person I was with was manipulative and really damaged me. She physically assaulted me once, did all the stereotypical narcissist things and in the end, I was unable to feel. 

3 years ago, of the girl of my dreams had walked up to me and begged me to date her, I would have had no problem saying no. I wasn't even capable of love it anything. I was actually starting to think I might be a sociopath, like for real. I shut all feelings off and that's very very not like me. At all. I've been a hopeless romantic since I was 6, so to not even be able to want love, that scared me.

2 years ago, I started mentally prepare to not live long. I didn't know quite what that meant but it started beginning apparent that I'm not made to last here, I had no real friends who I can lean on or spend time with, I have absolutely no path or purpose and I was losing control of my ability to care, about anything.

The only thing that happened that was any good was a social media platform I started to succeed with. That's not enough to keep me from preparing for my end, but it was cool. 

Then, about a year ago something happened. I saw this girl. My heart literally skipped a beat. I couldn't breathe and just her smile (not at me) made my entire day bright. I had a feeling! It shocked me. It confused me. I didn't know how to react.

I'm really sensitive to emotions of others, even when someone feels something and don't show it, I can feel it. And something that seemed greater than me seemed to magnetically pull me to Angel. When I first realized this, I avoided her but that magnetism was really strong. It wasn't because she's pretty (although she is literally the most beautiful girl in the world, whether she loves me or hates me, I can't deny that), it wasn't because she had something or did something; it was like her soul called out to me in a different realm, or so I thought.

At that time I was still heavily convinced that my end was coming within days, weeks or maybe months. So thinking about that, every single day that I didn't end gave me the thought, "This could be the last time I talk to this person." Or "This could be the last time I ride my bike down this street." Everything could be a last time ever.

It was weird to feel some kind of spiritual cosmic feeling but also be ready to go. Angel had and has no idea any of this is going on, she knows absolutely nothing about me or exactly how I feel...and she won't.

I refused to say I love her because I didn't get close enough to love, but I think it's safe to say I do. I love her enough to exit her life before I really enter and let her be happy. 

And one more thing, I have this curse. Well it's a curse to me, it's kinda a great thing to others. 

One is: when I leave anyone's life, their life gets better. Things start going their way and luck seems to find them.

The other is whenever I truly love someone, they find their 'one' and so far every single person who finds someone ends up living happily ever after. So Angel is about to find her perfect person, she'll get married within...I'll say, within 2 years she'll be married and have at least one child. 

Neither curse has even one opposing evidence. Not even one. 

I guess the bright side is in a way I'm making Angel happy...glass half full, right? 

That's the story of how I met someone else's love, kids.

I See Things on a Deeper Level

     Friday March 25, 2022 - I'm awake a few hours before my alarm, I should be asleep but I woke up with this feeling; this 'something big is going to do something big' feeling. I don't know what that means, I wish I did. I don't know if that is some deep premonition or if I should not eat spicy food before going to sleep but this instinctive feeling woke me up from a nightmare so...here I am.

     I have this persistent desire to find this big thing that's doing big things and...help it or stop it or make it grow or chop it down...I DON'T KNOW WHAT, something.

I get these feelings, these thoughts sometimes. Always have and sometimes I fear I always will. It's like I see things on a different level than just the world we all walk on. More than just ones and zeroes or skin and bones, I see potential as real as the grass that I can touch and intentions or emotions as personal as friends I know.

I've had this ability for a long time, I remember as a kid seeing things in people; things like their heart as if they hopes and dreams right in front of me.

To give an example: in the early 90's I was a kid and I saw this commercial for some cheesy movie. Or was originally called Stepkids (later renamed Big Girls Don't Cry...They Get Even) and something in the commercial shouted to me that I had to see it. And I don't mean that it was week made or it was really good because...it wasn't really that good.

 

I just knew beneath the script or the plot there was something so deeply important to my being that I had to experience it. I was 9 or 10 when I went through this, not exactly something I hear 9 year olds talk about or care about. I remember thinking my destiny, my whole world, needed to see it.

And out of the experience of seeing some movie in 1991, something stuck out to me that to this day still hours depths in me that I can't explain fully: Adrienne Shelly. 

Adrienne Shelly was an actress who had depth most people don't know ever existed, and I as a small child felt that. I felt it through some movie that she didn't enjoy being a part of, and I never had the pleasure of meeting her or even being in the same area ever. But something in her acting in that movie...something touched my very soul.

Her greatest desires were, I found out in 2022 in a documentary about her, to have a daughter and to be part of something bigger than just herself. Back then I didn't know why but I felt her spirit in a way through a small role she had in that B movie and I felt as if we were not connected necessarily but we had the same kind of soul.

I watched the documentary about her murder and every single word she says, every movement she makes, I can feel her hopes and dreams as if she's telling me in specific detail in her own words.

     That's not the only time I've felt this, I randomly meet people who make me nervous or who I feel an absolute need to know. So many times I don't understand why but someone will make such a deep impression on me with only a few words or even just being near me. Sometimes I know exactly why like when it's someone to stay away from, sometimes a person's aura just feeds me in a strange way, I just want to soak up every bit of someone's energy and bathe in their thoughts, drink from their love and breathe in their every glance. 

Sometimes I only know I want to be around them and hear what their soul says to me, like some misunderstood whisperer, only I know that's not exactly how this is. I have no power or talent of any kind. It's not magic or anything that anyone else can't do, I probably went through trauma as a kid that left me sensitive to the way certain people act or speak. 

     Whatever the reason, it would be up hours early this morning and I watched a few minutes of Adrienne Shelly's last movie, Waitress. I didn't get some divine message from it, well nothing deeper than anything any person who watches it could get. The only thing that hit me right now is that I see people's souls, potential and dreams just as much as I can see their skin, clothes and hair. (Not physically, I hope that's clear. I promise I'm not crazy...I hope.)

Maybe I shouldn't write at 4 in the morning but I feel something big coming. Something that may seem like nothing on the surface but beneath that it's life changing...I just hope it's what I want it to be. ❤️

Motivated? Me Neither, Let's go Get a Soda and People Watch For a While

     Motivation:

I have, in my early life, had major trouble (see How I Met Your Mother for the joke in my head currently) being motivated. Ambitious people used to confuse me and when I asked them how to get to where they were they gave me answers like, Ya just gotta do it." which was like telling a person who has never spoken another language to go to Japan and just know how to speak Japanese.

Suffice it to say, that has never helped me and instead has led me toward giving up rather than to 'just doing it' ESPECIALLY when I was young. I'm not going to say my environment  is an excuse for me (it wasn't and it's not) but that didn't make it easy for me to 'just do' anything when I was shown that there's not really anything to attain.

     I didn't say I was the smartest tree on the block...it was a terrible way of thinking and a very morbid view of life as a whole. I can give you a sob story but the truth is I ignored anything that was good because it wasn't comfortable to me. Again...I know, I wasn't a smart cookie.

Aaaaanyway, back to motivation:

For years I was just not able to motivate myself to do things like try in school, put effort into things I did or work hard in things. I guess my motivation was to not be where ever I was...no matter where that was.

One thing I was/am absolutely superhero good at is being somewhere and feeling the need to be ANYWHERE ELSE then getting to the place I needed to be and quickly NEEDING to be somewhere else. I can remember times when I was at a friend's house, a friend I desperately wanted to hang out with, and maybe 8 minutes into being around it hit me that I was uncomfortable.

So over the next 6 minutes, my mind would be going over places I'd rather be while trying to sound like I'm totally in the conversation or into whatever was going on. Then THE MOMENT I had a
chance to leave, I'd suddenly feel sick or realize I forgot something or have to be somewhere else for some dire reason.

And that 6 minutes that I spent thinking about places I wanted to be felt like 3 hours, so in my mind I was already there for 3 hours and 10 minutes...I was beyond ready to leave.

...so, there's that. Does that count as motivation? 

The problem with that was there was literally never an endgame, no calm or rest stop. Maybe when I fell asleep, I guess. Maybe sleep was my motivation. I have always loved dreaming; as long as I can remember, my dreams have been very vivid or real feeling or just imaginative. I'm not gonna try to explain any of them, someone reading this will call the paddy wagon and have me put RIGHT away, hahaha.

Though...I spent a lot of time not sleeping for someone who wanted to sleep so much. So, I don't know if that was really a motivation for me.

     This has all been a rabbit trail of my point so...welcome to my brain. I'm back though, so I always had trouble being self motivated (and in a bunch of ways I still have trouble) but lately I've found a new enjoyment in enlightenment.

Be it through learning, giving to those who are truly in need, thanking those who deserve thanks, finding ways to create something positive or even just pushing myself to do things because I want to be a better person than I am.

     I was just recently talking to a good friend who I love dearly and I started to tell a story about one of my favorite characters in television (and because I'm me, I didn't get to finish so maybe she'll read this and get something positive out of it), the character of Harry T. Stone was played by Harry Anderson (1952-2018 R.I.P.)

His character was a fun loving kind hearted judge in the 80's sit com Night Court:
     That character helped shape who I am in a very big way, and one line specifically. There was this scene where he was talking about fun and he explained how it's fun to pay for the person behind you in a store.
 There are a ton of other examples throughout the series that exemplifies the character's giving heart but I think I only get one GIGANTIC rabbit trail per diary entry so you'll just have to watch the show.

Anyway, that line hit something in my soul that just makes me want to be that person. I've done that a few times and I will do this kinda thing again. I feel like, especially over the last few years, it's helped me become a better person. And I don't just mean because I do something nice or get any credit (I don't deserve any credit, if anything these kinds of acts are me repaying the universe for things I owe) but these acts are leading me to transform into a different person than I used to be.

There are other things too, I have become interested in learning rather than escaping; that's big for me. I also have forced myselfto be a hard worker over the last decade when before that I was a lazy person. There are a few other existential changes I've either made or gone through over the last few years that have made me into the much more motivated person I am becoming. And all of those things are helping me finally understand how to push myself and keep going even when I don't feel that adrenaline pumpin.

Honesty, loyalty, travel, laughter, heart and soul, intellect, art, freedom, hockey, expression, photography, love...etc. These are very important factors leading me to being more and more motivated, more ambitious and a better person.

Unlike the Doors, this is NOT the end...

 Check out my online store and please consider buying something. It's all my artwork and is from my heart, thank you.

http://tee.pub/lic/s7gGE5EbXxc

A Late Holiday Update and Some Future Plans - January 2020

     So it's been a while and I feel it's time for a life update. And since I'm not great at keeping up with anyone, I'll just give you a quick run down of how life has been for me for the past few months.

    *I went to Hawaii in June; it was THE BEST! 

    *July, August, September and October felt like one LOOOOONNNNNG day that just wouldn't end. Work, sleep, work sleep, eat, sit down, stand up, sit down, walk over there, come back here, sleep...and pretty much repeat. I did absolutely nothing during that entire period of time.

    *November sucks bad.

    *I started a Youtube series that I will be getting back into starting in February.

    *December was disappointing weather-wise and was boring. I did do something really cool that I'll get into details about.

    *Aaaand now it's January. Based on the last 5 months, tomorrow is May 1st.

Highlights of my life here. Sounds glamorous, I know. Ok have a good day......ok, ok there's more.

BUT FIRST!!

I have a storefront I really want to share with you all.

http://tee.pub/lic/s7gGE5EbXxc

Please take a look and consider showing your support by showing off some #gilmore22 love and make sure you post pictures on my instagram, twitter, on here or on facebook. I also want feedback, let me know what you like or don't like in my online store. I will be adding more personal artwork and logos. Keep checking it out.

     Alright so I mentioned that I did something really cool and I HAVE to share it because it wasn't only cool and fun but it was really inspirational to me. So very early on, I decided I was going to be as "in the Christmas spirit" as I possibly could be. Something I hope for every August till about November 11th.

Here's where things get interesting: so about two weeks before that, I got into an argument with a coworker and it was pretty heated. That coworker said some things and I said somethings and we both stopped in a fairly short time but completely ignored each other after that.

For about 13 days we kept our distance, making sure to give each other dirty looks in passing or (in my case, at least) making sure to leave the break room whenever there was a potential round 2.

     Back story complete. November 1st comes around and I was determined to get into that holiday spirit. But that argument was weighing on my heart. Not because it was one sided and I was completely wrong, it was equally pretty evil and petty. My coworker wasn't cool and I defended myself with my words (neither of like fought or anything like that) but no matter who started it or who was right or who was "more wrong" I didn't want that negativity hovering above me whenever I went in to my job.

It's a place I can't avoid and that coworker isn't going anywhere any time soon so I thought about these two things and came up with an idea that I thought could possibly help my situation with said coworker and could help me get more into the Christmas spirit.

I like to draw, in case you didn't know, and so I made that coworker a Christmas card. I put as much detail as I could into it and wrote something very nice on the back. After finishing it, I was happy with how it looked and thought other close coworkers I work with would appreciate a card too. I have a team of about 8 people who I work with and so I made them each one over the next week; so by November 8th I had I think 9 or 10 cards made.

Then I thought of a few more coworkers who have made an impression on me or who I know have been having a rough time or who I think would like to get a card...so all of a sudden I started making more cards. I made probably 25-30 more over the next two weeks and kept adding more coworkers to my list. By the end of it all, I had made over ONE HUNDRED cards (I believe the full total was 125) cards on blank index cards, each one was different and I wrote something special and specific on the back of each one.

By the way, I am an introvert who has very very much trouble not making myself invisible so many people at my place of employment barely even know what my voice sounds like. 

     The week before Christmas I started giving them out and a bunch of coworkers who didn't even know my name really appreciated getting a card. Then they saw that I didn't just buy some dollar store card or even some expensive Hallmark card but rather that I made them a personalized drawing and wrote something specifically for them and that really blew a lot of people away. Oh I also put a hockey card in everyone's envelope because I'm me and I've been doing that for years.

     Here was my favorite parts of this whole endeavor:

First was a coworker who I feel gets very little recognition for all he does. I gave one coworker, who is a Vet and a great worker, and he was absolutely blown away! He thanked me and was so happy that he and his wife made sure to get a card for me on Christmas and he told me he's going to keep the one I gave him with his important documents. That alone made everything worth it!

     I have a very high and strong respect for Vets, fire fighters, police officers and anyone else who does anything that risks their life. So just the fact that he is a Vet gets my ultimate respect but this man comes to work every day, he is always on top of things, he always has a smile on even when they day sucks and he get little to no appreciation because he works in the back where few see him.

Then a few coworkers gave me gift cards, which I did not expect at all! That was really sweet.

There were a few specific humans who are employed at the same building who didn't even thank me or even look at me when I gave them the cards that took me over an hour to create. Those are the humans that...well, calling them humans was hard for me to do. I'll stop there and move on.

     And then the main event. The coworker who didn't know actually inspired 120+ Christmas cards and 2 months worth of drawing every single day after work. I walked up to the coworker I hadn't said one word to in about 3 months and said, "Um, hey. I don't mean to bother you but I have something for you." in my most confident (not confident at all) voice. I handed coworker an envelope with their name on it and said coworker looked at it skeptically.

In that split second I realized that if my coworker had ripped it up or thrown it away in front of me, I would have been absolutely and inconsolably devastated. I was so optimistic for this one coworker to be blessed by this one action that I didn't even consider rejection.

   My coworker looked at it with no emotion and then said, "You got this for me?" I said yeah.

My coworker opened it and saw that I made the card and I wrote something very nice and the reaction was visible on their face finally. And my coworker, who a week ago was ready for watch me burn, appreciated it and said Merry Christmas. It was really really great to me and I am proud to say that as of Saturday January 11th 2020 the last time I saw that coworker we said good morning to each other and talked for a minute before starting my shift on Friday.

     If that doesn't inspire positive things, then nothing will.

     Well, my immediate future plans are exciting as I'm FINALLY legally changing my name with this year's tax return money. I've been looking forward to this for a long time now and I'm happy take this next step in my journey.

My next future plan is taking a trip to visit a friend this coming summer. It's gonna be great to see a friend who I haven't seen since...maaan, maybe 2002? Maybe? I can't even remember exactly. I met her through my old church and have kept in touch through the years thank God; she's grown so much and has been a blessing in many ways. I'm eager to go see her and share our life experiences over the last bunch of years (Bessica, expect this sentence a lot, "Oh man! When I was in Hawaii...")

And finally...

     In March of 2021 is my next big trip. I'm going to visit Canada on my birthday!

     I have plans to migrate to the great country of Canada as soon as I'm able and this will be my first visit there, along with the amazing pleasure of visiting a friend there. I am so so ready to go to the Hall of Fame (I will go there from the moment they open till the moment they make me leave) and I gotta go to a Leafs game while I'm there.

I'm also stopping by a great friend's house on my way there and I'm gonna stay a few days. I miss her and her kids too much not to catch up with them on my way to the Great White North.

And my non travel future plan is Youtube. I'm going to be working very soon on all new episodes of Journey of Life and hopefully getting some decent guests and it's gonna be interesting.

A Sorta Kinda Confession/Unrelenting Thought Type of Thing

     So I'm here, I'm trans and have been officially medically transitioning for almost a year now. I've told many close friends, some of whom have exited my life or made it clear I'm not welcome in theirs and I've exited their lives. I've been openly moving towards identifying as female by using a new name and dressing differently (small steps mostly, I'm not very confident in my ability to pass as female so wearing dresses or other things has been confined to when I'm alone). I've stepped up a few times and tried to assert my seriousness about my decision and although I am not being so adamant at times, it's only because correcting certain things at certain times isn't going to be a productive action.

   And basically since I started, I told some friends that I would not partake in a relationship from now on. I said that my decision to transition puts me a situation where I would be going against one of my personal beliefs by dating anyone.

Before I continue with this thought, I need 

to make it clear that these thoughts, beliefs and opinions 

are NOT judgments I lay on anyone else. I don't think anyone 

should follow my rules or beliefs unless they actually believe 

the same thing and I would not judge anyone else based on their 

differences in any area that does not harm others. Happiness, 

safety, respect, loyalty, and following one's own belief system 

are the keys to keeping me from judging.

So if I say I feel as though I am a female, in spirit, that would lead to the guess that I would then be attracted to men. Generally, women date men. Clearly I'm not saying that that's the only possibility but it's the first assumption made when I've told people about my gender identity.

If I were to be attracted to men, my personal belief is that that would constitute as homosexuality. I am biologically male and that is a personal belief that I do not want to break (again, a personal belief ONLY holding myself accountable to, absolutely no one else is or would be wrong for this action, in this exact context) so dating men is already out of the question. And secondly, I am not only not attracted to men but I absolutely adore women. If I was attracted to men, I would not hold this belief so...basically that's not an option.

Now here's the biggest struggle with my transition, I am absolutely attracted to women. In fact that's one of the biggest things that kept me from transitioning for so long, I figured if I was this attracted to biological females and I look male enough then I can just deal with my inner thoughts and feelings without physically doing anything. But in the end of that thought process, I ignored myself to a harmful degree and that nearly pushed me to end myself. Not ideal, not an option.

So I am now, many months into my transition, having an inner struggle that I don't know if there's an outcome here that I'll be okay with:
   If I say I identify as a female and I live as a woman then again my personal belief comes into play, meaning I cannot live a homosexual lifestyle and be okay with myself. But on the other hand, I find myself wanting love, affection more and more everyday and having nothing to fill that void with.

   This debate I keep wrestling with has been sped up by having a specific person in mind, though it's a person I know for a fact is not even slightly interested in me. And the person isn't really important, the important issue right now is that I am feeling more and more needy for that kind of attention and it's starting to burn kinda badly. For, like, 7 months I was able to shut those 'hopeless romantic' kind of thoughts and feelings off almost completely and suddenly the flood gates seemed to open up recently.

All of this has me thinking thoughts like, "Am I only transitioning because I can't find love?" Or "If I met someone, someone really special, could I accept living a male life for them and for the life I'd be  apart of then?" These thoughts are good to have, questioning your beliefs and decisions will either reaffirm your decisions or cause you to potentially make a change you may need to make.

One of the few things about me that made sense before starting my transition was that I have had a deep burning desire to be in a "madly in love" relationship. I relate myself to a "Ted Mosby" type of spirit and that's a very male part of me that's clearly still alive and strong. Not that I'm confessing to being wrong here, I'm not. Even if I do stop transitioning in the future, it won't be a 'wrong' because I would only stop if I knew that I was making the wrong choice.

Two things about this entire rant:

   1. I wasn't exactly doing well in the love department...ever as a male. The most "but it's Robin" type of person in my life was a girl who I knew when I was 6, a girl who I searched for over a 20 year span. I made it my life's entire goal to find her and I did. I found her in 2010. And I contacted her, got her phone number and we spent about 2 weeks texting nonstop...then she saw something I said on facebook about my feelings toward her and she completely stopped responding to me. It was completely my fault that I lost any chance and all, I was dumb enough to think she wouldn't see that one random comment even though we were connected on facebook. She wasn't the same girl I knew or the girl I was searching for, I'm not writing this because of her or that issue. The reason I'm bringing this up is to say that's the closest I've ever come to being in love. At 6 years old, I was ready to spend my entire life with this girl and I was so sure that I could have won her heart that I didn't really let myself fall in love with anyone for the next 20 years. I had crushes but in the back of my mind I thought I was made for that girl. So in 2010 when I found her and found out I wasn't 'the one' for her, I had absolutely no path in life. None. That's the closest I've ever come to love, I've been burned by many and left by many and I've regretfully treated a few people very badly and that's the end of my love life as a male for 35 years. So I'm not exactly giving up some great love life by transitioning.

2. I'm so much happier by so many more seemingly little things now than I ever have been. Things like my name and being introduced and being complimented for pretty things, for example. My borther introduced me today as Layla and on the inside I was so proud and honored and happy to hear that name that I couldn't help but smile. I have an inner desire to take care of myself for the first time in my life.

So I have some things to think about and hopefully SOMETHING will clear up for me in some way. I'm gonna stop typing so I can over think and over analyze everything that happens. So...good night all.

An Update and a Vacay

Date: Sunday June 9th 2019 Starting at 8:35 am

     So it is finally here! I'm officially on vacation from work and have been since Friday at 3:00 pm. Awesome! That's enough, right? Nooope! I'm also just a little over 24 hours away from getting on a plane and going to Washington DC. Sounds great, right? NOT DONE YET! Once in DC I, and my cousin, will be waiting about an hour and then taking another plane to HAWAII! Yussss!!! I'm taking an actual vacation! A real one and a very big one!

     We've got so many plans for this trip and it's gonna be so great to get away and enjoy all that Hawaii has to offer us.  We'll be visiting Waikiki Beach (where Kurt Cobain was married among other awesome things), we'll be swimming with sharks, seeing the Pearl Harbor Memorial and so much more that I can hardly wait to experience. Two friends and I will have so much video and so many pictures from the next two weeks; I'm so excited to just be somewhere else, somewhere so different from all I'd ever experienced in my life.

     No for my current life situation: Yesterday I found out I'm going to be moving today. Not far and it's a guaranteed place to go so that's a good thing, although it's not exactly the best possible situation. I'm gonna try to make the best of it. I need to get a portable air conditioner and a new couch, bed and figure out a way to get my projector screen hung in a concrete basement. The "projector life" has been really eye opening for me and I don't want to lose that but I'm gonna have to get real creative with it at the new place.

     It's been very surreal for the last year and a half, I've lived at my current residence with my landlord since November 2017 though I was supposed to be here for two weeks. My landlord reminds me of my Uncle so much that at times while I was living in his home, I forgot it wasn't Uncle Mike for moments. It's wild! His mannerisms and his life structure and the words he uses and his generosity, they are all reminiscent of the only man I've ever truly seen as "family" (not including my cousin since it's kind of recent that he's been so important to my life. Recent being within 7 or 8 years out of my 37 years of life so far)

     So it's pretty bittersweet not living with him anymore and not getting to see and play with his dog anymore and adding that I've spent a year building my room into a nearly perfect theater/place to record videos/stay cool, it's going to take some time to fix this new place up. And I know I probably sound negative about this, I am excited to have to be creative with some things and have a definite place (for a little bit cheaper too), this isn't too too bad of a situation.

     The last thing that's been a big focus for me lately is my upcoming Youtube channel revamp. If you'll notice, I'm using a new picture at the top of this diary entry, one that says "Journey of LIFE"
I'm very very excited to be currently working on episodes, I have been forming what I think is a great new idea for a little while now. I have a structure that I hope people like and watch and it is my way of giving back to this sometimes too negative universe.


     A little about "Journey of LIFE:

We all have a story, fantastic experiences that should be known and shared. Sometimes it's because we need help, sometimes one story can encourage someone else or lets someone else know they're not alone in a way, sometimes we need to be uplifted by a success story or even the chance to help someone who we can help in some way. My hope is through me learning about new things and hearing from people who have stories that people watching will be encouraged to keep going and continue to create their own great story.

     In wanting to encompass a wide array of  what life has to offer, I'm going to have a format that brings you a different topic every week.

-the first week will be focused on discussion/debate. I plan to open up my mind by testing my own beliefs at times and just hearing someone else's personal journey. I'm excited to find out what people have been through and how they were able to get to where they are today!

-the second week of every month will showcase a pop culture themed episode. From movie reviews to music conversation and news to art and artistic history to short films and actors; this one is going to be great since I'm eager to bring my version of imagination to the world, hopefully you like it.

-the third week will mainly a personal look into my life. I'll be posting v logs there and potentially sharing guests' personal struggles/triumphs.

-And the 4th week will be dedicated to activities, athletics and active projects.

Through all of this, I hope viewers learn a little something or are encouraged and maybe laugh a little here and there. That was a shameless plug but it's what I've been planning and working on lately that I'm really excited about.

There will be a part 2 to this...can't make any promises of when but there will be.

To be continued...