A Late Holiday Update and Some Future Plans - January 2020

     So it's been a while and I feel it's time for a life update. And since I'm not great at keeping up with anyone, I'll just give you a quick run down of how life has been for me for the past few months.

    *I went to Hawaii in June; it was THE BEST! 

    *July, August, September and October felt like one LOOOOONNNNNG day that just wouldn't end. Work, sleep, work sleep, eat, sit down, stand up, sit down, walk over there, come back here, sleep...and pretty much repeat. I did absolutely nothing during that entire period of time.

    *November sucks bad.

    *I started a Youtube series that I will be getting back into starting in February.

    *December was disappointing weather-wise and was boring. I did do something really cool that I'll get into details about.

    *Aaaand now it's January. Based on the last 5 months, tomorrow is May 1st.

Highlights of my life here. Sounds glamorous, I know. Ok have a good day......ok, ok there's more.

BUT FIRST!!

I have a storefront I really want to share with you all.

http://tee.pub/lic/s7gGE5EbXxc

Please take a look and consider showing your support by showing off some #gilmore22 love and make sure you post pictures on my instagram, twitter, on here or on facebook. I also want feedback, let me know what you like or don't like in my online store. I will be adding more personal artwork and logos. Keep checking it out.

     Alright so I mentioned that I did something really cool and I HAVE to share it because it wasn't only cool and fun but it was really inspirational to me. So very early on, I decided I was going to be as "in the Christmas spirit" as I possibly could be. Something I hope for every August till about November 11th.

Here's where things get interesting: so about two weeks before that, I got into an argument with a coworker and it was pretty heated. That coworker said some things and I said somethings and we both stopped in a fairly short time but completely ignored each other after that.

For about 13 days we kept our distance, making sure to give each other dirty looks in passing or (in my case, at least) making sure to leave the break room whenever there was a potential round 2.

     Back story complete. November 1st comes around and I was determined to get into that holiday spirit. But that argument was weighing on my heart. Not because it was one sided and I was completely wrong, it was equally pretty evil and petty. My coworker wasn't cool and I defended myself with my words (neither of like fought or anything like that) but no matter who started it or who was right or who was "more wrong" I didn't want that negativity hovering above me whenever I went in to my job.

It's a place I can't avoid and that coworker isn't going anywhere any time soon so I thought about these two things and came up with an idea that I thought could possibly help my situation with said coworker and could help me get more into the Christmas spirit.

I like to draw, in case you didn't know, and so I made that coworker a Christmas card. I put as much detail as I could into it and wrote something very nice on the back. After finishing it, I was happy with how it looked and thought other close coworkers I work with would appreciate a card too. I have a team of about 8 people who I work with and so I made them each one over the next week; so by November 8th I had I think 9 or 10 cards made.

Then I thought of a few more coworkers who have made an impression on me or who I know have been having a rough time or who I think would like to get a card...so all of a sudden I started making more cards. I made probably 25-30 more over the next two weeks and kept adding more coworkers to my list. By the end of it all, I had made over ONE HUNDRED cards (I believe the full total was 125) cards on blank index cards, each one was different and I wrote something special and specific on the back of each one.

By the way, I am an introvert who has very very much trouble not making myself invisible so many people at my place of employment barely even know what my voice sounds like. 

     The week before Christmas I started giving them out and a bunch of coworkers who didn't even know my name really appreciated getting a card. Then they saw that I didn't just buy some dollar store card or even some expensive Hallmark card but rather that I made them a personalized drawing and wrote something specifically for them and that really blew a lot of people away. Oh I also put a hockey card in everyone's envelope because I'm me and I've been doing that for years.

     Here was my favorite parts of this whole endeavor:

First was a coworker who I feel gets very little recognition for all he does. I gave one coworker, who is a Vet and a great worker, and he was absolutely blown away! He thanked me and was so happy that he and his wife made sure to get a card for me on Christmas and he told me he's going to keep the one I gave him with his important documents. That alone made everything worth it!

     I have a very high and strong respect for Vets, fire fighters, police officers and anyone else who does anything that risks their life. So just the fact that he is a Vet gets my ultimate respect but this man comes to work every day, he is always on top of things, he always has a smile on even when they day sucks and he get little to no appreciation because he works in the back where few see him.

Then a few coworkers gave me gift cards, which I did not expect at all! That was really sweet.

There were a few specific humans who are employed at the same building who didn't even thank me or even look at me when I gave them the cards that took me over an hour to create. Those are the humans that...well, calling them humans was hard for me to do. I'll stop there and move on.

     And then the main event. The coworker who didn't know actually inspired 120+ Christmas cards and 2 months worth of drawing every single day after work. I walked up to the coworker I hadn't said one word to in about 3 months and said, "Um, hey. I don't mean to bother you but I have something for you." in my most confident (not confident at all) voice. I handed coworker an envelope with their name on it and said coworker looked at it skeptically.

In that split second I realized that if my coworker had ripped it up or thrown it away in front of me, I would have been absolutely and inconsolably devastated. I was so optimistic for this one coworker to be blessed by this one action that I didn't even consider rejection.

   My coworker looked at it with no emotion and then said, "You got this for me?" I said yeah.

My coworker opened it and saw that I made the card and I wrote something very nice and the reaction was visible on their face finally. And my coworker, who a week ago was ready for watch me burn, appreciated it and said Merry Christmas. It was really really great to me and I am proud to say that as of Saturday January 11th 2020 the last time I saw that coworker we said good morning to each other and talked for a minute before starting my shift on Friday.

     If that doesn't inspire positive things, then nothing will.

     Well, my immediate future plans are exciting as I'm FINALLY legally changing my name with this year's tax return money. I've been looking forward to this for a long time now and I'm happy take this next step in my journey.

My next future plan is taking a trip to visit a friend this coming summer. It's gonna be great to see a friend who I haven't seen since...maaan, maybe 2002? Maybe? I can't even remember exactly. I met her through my old church and have kept in touch through the years thank God; she's grown so much and has been a blessing in many ways. I'm eager to go see her and share our life experiences over the last bunch of years (Bessica, expect this sentence a lot, "Oh man! When I was in Hawaii...")

And finally...

     In March of 2021 is my next big trip. I'm going to visit Canada on my birthday!

     I have plans to migrate to the great country of Canada as soon as I'm able and this will be my first visit there, along with the amazing pleasure of visiting a friend there. I am so so ready to go to the Hall of Fame (I will go there from the moment they open till the moment they make me leave) and I gotta go to a Leafs game while I'm there.

I'm also stopping by a great friend's house on my way there and I'm gonna stay a few days. I miss her and her kids too much not to catch up with them on my way to the Great White North.

And my non travel future plan is Youtube. I'm going to be working very soon on all new episodes of Journey of Life and hopefully getting some decent guests and it's gonna be interesting.

The House is Burning Around Me...But I'm Fine...Right??!

     It's ironic how quick things can go from successfully going well...to EVERYTHING IS DYING NOTHING WORKS EVERYTHING IS FAILING AT ALL TIMES AND EVERYONE NEEDS EVERYTHING THAT'S CLEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO OBTAIN RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND!

     Context:

Not too long ago, I was on top of things. I had a little extra money because I was successfully saving a little at a time and had a little bit built up, work was going really well, I had a routine of waking up and eating better than worse, my little anxieties were loosening their hold on my daily life, I had a support system of friends who I saw regularly, I had a solid plan for my future and I had a church that I felt comfortable walking into when the doors were open.

Over a relatively short time:
     - a few friends moved (or are moving), some have taken me out of their life and some have made it clear that I'm not welcome in their future, some have just drifted away from me (intentionally) and some just don't reply anymore.

     - I have this knack for putting myself in the worst situations in the worst times and usually I choose the worst thing to do at those moments. I did that recently when I had a Dr's appointment and ALL I NEEDED TO DO was bring medicine that I have had in my possession for weeks (I was supposed to start this medicine a month ago but needed to get instructions on how to use it and  between suddenly getting a lot of days in a row at work and getting migraines again at almost full force, I haven't been able to start)

     I just needed to bring the medicine with me so the day I finally had the ability and time to go, I got everything ready crazy early and basically made a mental checklist over and over for hours before I had to leave. I got all ready and at the last minute, I realized I forgot my bike lock, since my mode of transportation is my bicycle and I was riding to Center City. I grabbed my lock and spilled ALL the contents of my purse out in the act...of course...and guess what I mistakenly did not pick up. Yeah.

     It took me about an hour and a half to get there in 84 degree heat with no clouds and very high humidity. Almost 2 hours! And when I went in to get the needles I needed for my new medicine, I realized I didn't have THE ONE THING I NEEDED and tried with all my might not to freak out.

     I'll skip over all the minutes of panic that I went through, I had two choices:
A.)  I could leave and take the nearly 2 hour ride back in the heat and risk not having another free day for weeks
B.) Or I could have bought a second dose (I had another dose ready since I waited so long to go there) It was $40.00 and I only had about $50.00 for the week, which includes train tickets I needed and food.

I chose B. I just couldn't leave and not have the medicine for even longer.

     That's just one thing that recently ate any extra money I had and now I'm regularly short on rent or I end up going four or five days in the negative and I have to sneak on the train to get to work. And this has been my life for a while now; longer than I'm comfortable with...and there's no end in sight for this because the more I hit these walls, the more anxiety hits me harder and depression seems to just take over everything.

Oh and I just found out tthe insurance I have was cut off and they're "reviewing my application" meaning I can't get the migraine medicine and anti depressants that have been keeping me from completely crumbling for a little while now.

July 20th 2018 A memory and Some Stray Thoughts

     So I have a few fond memories that have been running around in my mind and a few other thoughts to share. Hopefully future me understands the mess of words I make here.

I'll start with the memory:

     Last night, I watched the Lion King on my wall with my projector. It started out where I just found all the movies on my hard drive and put them on random; Lion King was the first up and as it started, it quickly became apparent that this movie needs to be watched in giant fashion. Once up on the wall, it brought back the memory of the first time I ever saw that movie.

     My biological father (boy, I just LOVE bringing that barely-human up) saw that I had made some money and announced in front of my sister that I would pay for her to see the new Disney movie that she was dying to see. At that moment, I wanted to stare him to death like Lily did in How I Met Your
Mother. My little sister was absolutely unstoppably happy at that thought and before I could even finish being manipulated we we at the movie theater...in line for tickets...being paid for by me...NOT by my choice.

     We went in and I was so angry but I tried my best to seem OK for my sister, I really did like it when we got along so I went in and we started watching it. In the dark, I was sitting there pouting as Jonathan Taylor Thomas made fun of Mr. Bean and then Simba sang about being king some day...you know the movie.

     So the scene where Scar tells Simba to run because he just killed his dad, (that's who I saw as my biological father then and now. An evil, cowardly creep who refuses to do anything even slightly honorable) that got me hooked and I saw little sister really loving being there.

     I really loved being able to share the moment of her seeing that movie for the first time with her. By the end, neither of our eyes were dry and we both loved it. Last night I re-lived watching it on a big screen and it  was kinda like watching it for the first time again in a way.

     Life update: July 20th 2018

I've been doing A LOT better in the department of depression and suicidal thoughts for months now.
I haven't had a single thought about death in long enough that I can't remember the actual last time. I don't have a frame of reference to go back to in my entire life to remember when I was at this point. Ever.

     I have learned not to treat anything like it has no power even when it's stronghold on my mind seems to release a little, that's when it seems to come back strong. I'm not going to treat this like a victory but I am going to try to take more steps and do things that depression held me from. I'm not fully sure I know what that is but I can think of a few things that I've mentally held myself back from. My hope is that I read this in the future and see this as at least one turning point toward better things.

          I truly must give thanks to God for where my life is going and the ability to not give up before. It wasn't my steength or faith in me that got me this far. I secondly give thanks and respect to the friends, both online and in person, that have helped me get to a point where I cansmile a real smile. I'm not a finished product but this is a great place to actually work from as opposed to where I could be right now.

Thanks for staying with me this far and I promise it'll be worth your time by the end.

A Rant and Life Updates (June 13th 2018)

     So I have a few updates and thoughts from the past few days, some good and some not so good. All one hundred percent true and from my heart.

I'll start with the recent public suicides. I first want to say that I hate hearing about anyone taking their own life and I want to find any way and every possible way to stop as many suicides that can be stopped. Whether it's public figures or poor people or from the US or any other country, I want to find more ways to help people who are hurting as much and quick as possible.

Now with that said, I am very upset about something that has nothing to do with the specific people who took their lives recently and absolutely has a lot to do with our society (at least the society seen on social media)

For anyone who would ever read this, there are possibly dozens or more people you know personally who struggle with giving up, who send some small potentially life or death signs out into the world that go unnoticed, but one famous person kills them self and everyone posts status' and tweets like they care...until some other news comes up and makes them forget.

     I'm not blaming anyone for the actions but I am saying that every time we make it a priority to talk about a celebrity but never even offer our friends in our own circle the chance to be that important to us, we perpetuate and keep this societal trend going...and it sucks.

I can tell you from experience that when I'm hurting and considering giving up, when I'm at my worst, it really hurts to hear close friends post multiple long dedicated posts and pictures about how their lives are changed based on the loss of a person they didn't know in a real way but never offer their real friends that same attention.

This is not an attack on any one person or an attempt to hurt anyone's feelings, I want people to think more about how much of an impact they can have on people who they actually have an impact on. Masking someone important even in a little way can be huge to them, it's free and not hard to be a little extra nice randomly.

...OK, with that out of the way, here's my life update.


So I've been taking depression medicine, estrogen, migraine medicine and allergy medicine. Sounds like a ton, right? It is. But here's the crazy thing, they're all working!



For months, I've needed to take Excedrin migraine every single day at some point because I'd feel one coming on; I haven't had to do that in almost a week, maybe more by now. And that's including a few extra stressful days at work too, big tests passed there!

Allergies have been debilitating for me and while I've still barely been outside much lately, I have been affected about 10% as much as the last few years. That's a ton when my eyes have swelled shut multiple times last year alone.

Depression is a different animal but there is still big progress since starting medicine. I have noticed that it's been easier to feel better emotionally, I've still had a few bad thoughts and bad days but not even close to the way it's been all my life before.

And last but definitely not least, the estrogen. I have noticed a very little teeny tiny bit of breast growth. While it's going so far beyond slow I guess I have to look at the positive way: it is working.

     As far as my mental state, I've had a few days where I was ready to give up and in the last month I have considered suicide a few times but the progress is I've been able to talk myself out of those
thoughts by thinking about my future and by the hope that I have in possibilities that are ahead.

I've also got back in touch with a few friends I thought were not willing to even talk to me and that's been a load off my mind. My group of friends mean and meant the world to me so to think about losing them hurts more than just about anything.




     So to finish this update, I want to share my current goals for Wednesday June 13th 2018:
* Thanks to my Awesome Aunt Caren, I'm going to work on some hair removal coming up soon!

* I'm starting to clothes shop (donations much appreciated), mainly skirts for now. I'm going to start wearing skirts to work

* I need to exercise and work on getting my weight down.

* Bible reading and praying needs to be much mor eimportant to me than it has been

* Organizing my room since I just bought a couch last week and I now have actual stuff to organize.

* I'm coloring my hair (today) and I might try to style it somehow

* I have a few writing projects and video projects that I want to work on.  I'm beyond the first step in both so I'm hoping to make progress on them soon.

* I'm trying to find a way to save money for something really big I want to do next year. Can't say what it is yet, don't want to jinx it.

It's Always Something

     I have a tooth ache. I have anxiety. I feel sick. Migraines, migraines, migraines. I forgot my ibuprofen. My dog ate my homework. My aunt is sick. My grandmother died. My pet ran away.

My boss called my into her office recently and after talking for a while she asked me, "Is everything okay? Is something going on?" I kinda laughed and said I'm fine so we could continue the conversation.

The truth was I wasn't fine at all, I had a bad anxiety attack at work and was barely able to breathe while we were talking but that didn't matter...once I found out I wasn't in trouble or anything was wrong. Part of my anxiety was that conversation, the boss asked me to see her in her office "at the end of the day"

     After the conversation, I thought about that question. No I'm not okay, I'm going through something. I'm just about always going through something whether it's a migraine or anxiety or whatever, always something.

And the reason that question is important is because of a few things I'm trying to do in life right now. I'm trying to do things that uplift others and create positivity in my own currently broken heart and
that is no easy task with something always going on. But I know I need to keep going, I need to fight through all the 'somethings' and try.

     One night recently, I was on instagram and saw a celebrity who took a picture and hid it somewhere. Jason Lee taped it to a stop sign and someday someone's gonna find it. If he signed it, they're gonna get a personal photo from the voice of Syndrome...or if it was me, Brody from Mallrats (my favorite Kevin Smith movie, make fun if you want) and how cool would it be to find something like that.

     So that instantly inspired me to do something similar, although my fame is quite limited compared to...well anyone. Just finding a photo from me isn't exactly something that anyone would love to find
just because BUT if I wrote a letter to someone maybe I can uplift someone somehow. That thought grew into writing a letter to a stranger that they might possibly need to read.

     So I thought about this country and where so many people are. Depression, anxiety, suicide, mentally just beaten from every direction...everyone needs to hear that they're worth it. I don't know one person who doesn't need a little pick-me-up from kinda no one.

     So I wrote a letter that I would like to find and read myself and I put it in a zip locked bag. Then I wrote another and put it in a zip locked bag. So far it's been rainy so I've only had the chance to hide one but my plan is to make many more of these letters and hide them in random places.



     I want to grow a trend of helping people in a way that I might not be able to in person, sometimes if someone is standing there, people feel the need to put on a show and act like they appreciate acts more than they actually feel. It's a mask of sorts and that can completely ruin the actual meaning behind it all.

If someone randomly finds a letter that says, "You're worth it even though life sucks sometimes." hopefully they won't feel like they need to thank anyone or act like they're okay and they can truly receive the blessing.





     Getting back to the beginning, there's always going to be something that can stop me and they're always going to at least sound legitimate. I don't want to let them stop me from doing the only thing I know I can do, try to help people even in some small way.

     And since I am writing this as a reminder of updates when I can't remember things later in life, here's a life update:

     I'm planning a trip with my cousin and a friend next year, one I desperately need. It's been hard to start saving money but as my cousin says, in 6 months I won't care that today I couldn't get that soda I wanted or even missed a meal.

     I've been moving toward living as Layla full time, using that name at work openly and doing more things little by little. I recently stopped going to the church I've been going to for 18 years and have been looking for a new one. It sucks to not have those friends but I can't live a lie anymore because my 'friends' will be offended or not agree with my life decisions.

     I've been working toward writing a story and I hope to start the actual writing process very soon. It's been i my head for over 10 years and it's well developed but needs to be refined a little more.

     And lastly, I was joking with a friend, we decided as a joke to make our own board game...and then I decided to try to actually make it. It's really fun to come up with ideas and have a blank canvas to work with.

Final thought:
     I'm trying to make the best of what my life is at this point. I don't know how long I can keep pushing but I want to strike while the iron is hot and do the best I can.

Thanks for reading and remember...you're worth it. 

Friday May 11th Thoughts and Updates

     OK so it's taken me a few days to work through some of the emotional things I've been going through and I'm trying to calmly assess my current life.

     In some aspects, everything is changing and I've come to a crossroad that will shape how life goes from this moment on; meaning that I have the opportunity to decide things like am I going to continue going to church even though it's not the one I've considered mine for 18 years

(the answer is yes, I just have to find one that is willing to accept trans people), how am I going to go about making new friends, what I'm going to plan for my future...etc.

     I do have a few constants that I've been blessed to have still, some friends who have not only accepted my decision to  (in my opinion) better my life but have helped me to be a happier person and helped aim me toward good things.

I also have some things going for me that, this is where it sounds like I'm bragging but I promise I'm not exactly:

          -I'm smart in some kinda important ways. I know I've been a survivor most of my life and have
been smart enough to find a way to make it even through being homeless at times and in some really scary situations and I also consider myself an intellectual thinker...well I've been trying to make myself one anyway. I ask questions that cause thought and a "think outside the box" mentality. As a kid, I ran from any kind of thought or work and have since been working on building up a work ethic and a better brain.

          -I've got a small and growing group of friends who I cannot express just how much they mean to me. The friends who have stuck by me even in my transition have my full and unconditionally support. I'm working on creating a new bond with old and new friends while still respecting the people around me.

          -The few things I'm confident about I know I'm good at them. I know that I'm a good photographer, I don't need to prove that over and over or worry because I know it.  I know I'm at least decent at making friends and being a good supportive friend. And to add on to this, I've always made it important to see things from other's points of view; something I think more people should try to do.


     And another thing I'm thinking abouty and working on dealing with is the future. The future...it sounds like something so small or unimportant but to think about it means you expect it and it can be MONUMENTAL or scary or...anything.

So MY future plans, which I do expect to attempt, involve travel and learning a lot. I am planning a trip at this moment (not telling where or when because I don't want to jinx it) and I am working on expanding my mind in a bunch of ways.

     Ohhh! And I'm working on writing a lot right now and I'm considering looking for ways to share it with the world somehow. I'm very excited about creating a world that someone could relate to or enjoy or like. More news about this as I get closer to something to share.

One of the best parts about talking 'future' is that I'm planning it and hoping for it and wanting to see what's next. For a long time I didn't think I'd see 29 or 36 or anyhting worth seeing in the future. Progress of the mind.

     Because I'm terrible at finishing anything, I'm just going to stop here and ask for your prayers and thoughts and good vibes. Thanks.

Inspire

     So today is the beginning of my tests...I'm nervous although not as scared as I was a few weeks ago. I think it'll be okay overall. Today is my cardiologist appointment and while I got violently sick yesterday, at 4:30 am I am feeling good enough to fight through any of the nausea or stomach pains.

Let me give you a glimpse into yesterday's craziness:

     I went to work early and had a tooth ache, a bad one. I kept taking ibuprofen but literally every few minutes the pain would come right back so I took like 1 or 2 every once in a while.


Then I bought naproxen, thinking it might help curb the pain better AND THEN I got a migraine feeling so I took some exedrin. This was all in a span of 8am-4pm so it wasn't really a long time and by the end of my work day I started feeling too sick to keep going.

Near the end of my work day, I started feeling like I was getting overheated and thought I was getting a fever. So I bought some airborne (the store brand, let's be real...I'm poor) and almost the moment I finished drinking that, I got really dizzy and light headed.
Like, it was crazy how odd and scared I felt for about 30 minutes. I took a 15 minute break and  still felt like I wasn't actually there, it was really weird and scary. After that kinda calmed down, I started feeling really nauseous; a nausea I haven't felt in so long.

   *For anyone who feels better after throwing up, more power to ya. When I throw up it signals the end of the day for me no matter what time it is. So when I can, I do ANYTHING I can to avoid throwing up. Call me a wuss or call me whatever else you want but I have taken precautions to not throw up for over ten years...till yesterday. Insert sad face here.

     I ended up leaving work an hour early and had to ride my bike as fast as I could to catch the train, which made my stomach feel just wonderful, and made it back to my place in time to get violently ill.


Around 5pm I went to sleep between moans of pain and runs to the bathroom (sorry for the visual but it's what happened) I think at about 9pm, I got a ridiculous craving for Taki chips even though I still felt just awful, I stood up a few times only to need to lay right back down seconds later.

At around 1am, I started to feel really hungry and stood up for long enough to be able to take a small walk to Wawa, I got a small hoagie some Taki's and chocolate milk and THANK GOD I was able to eat most of it and even went to sleep for a while after that. I know I shouldn't sleep right after eating like that but I just needed to sleep so bad it was good to be able to.

     I woke up about 4:30ish and now I feel good enough to be able to stand existing FINALLY. And while sitting here I have some thoughts I want to air out and hopefully help someone somewhere...

I was talking to someone recently who mentioned they were abused as a kid and I think this is something this country needs to think about and needs desperately to find a way to stop. Abusing a child forever changes their lives in such a deep and sometimes devastating way.

A kid's innocence is always taken from them and they have such a  high potential to be demented or suffer depression or it could influence them to do harmful things...there are way too many cases of people committing heinous acts to themselves or others; things that can be directly or indirectly attributed to the sexual, emotional or manipulative abuse they went through.

I was lucky enough to barely ever, if ever, be physically abused and I was never sexually abused but there was a lot of emotional and manipulative abuse in my life that, to this day, affects me daily. One specific memory that hits me regularly is when I was a kid (I forget how old I was), I was told to throw away my favorite childhood blanket by my mom's at-the-time boyfriend. He was rude and mean and told me I was stupid or childish for wanting to keep it and one day when I went to school, he put it in a trash bag. When I came back from school, he yelled at me for not taking the trash out and made me do it right then. Then when the trash truck came later on, he pointed to it and told me my blanket was gone forever and told me that I chose to throw it away.

     That haunts me, not because I miss that blanket necessarily but because he used it in the most malicious way and threw that entire situation in my face as a little kid. I do miss that blanket and if I had the chance, I would have cut it into small pieces and kept them as a keepsake at least; that blanket was with me during some very rough times as a kid and it meant something to me that I felt I lost forever that day.

     Another memory that haunts me was when I came in from being outside and that same piece of work was sitting in the living room. He looked sad and tired and I asked if he was okay or what was going on, something like that. He slowly answered me by telling me a whole story that actually still kinda scares me. He told me he and my mom got into a fight, it started out verbal like usual. I wasn't surprised and he continued, telling me they fight got physical and she grabbed a knife.

He paused and said she was so angry at him that she sliced her neck from ear to ear. Tears filled my eyes and I was shocked, stunned, frozen; I had no idea what to do. I've never been that close to my biological mother but that was scary to hear at 9 years old.


So I'm standing there trying to come to terms with my mom's death or at the very least major injury, since he didn't say she was dead. He sat there, looking stunned and I was absolutely immovable...then my mom walked out of her living room. SHE WAS FINE!
Angry and not pleasant, but her neck was fully intact. I then was just...I could not believe a human adult would tell a child that story. My mind still has trouble believing there is that much evil in everyday life.

Things like that have changed my mental state forever, I am slightly demented and messed up because of these stories and a few more things; between that guy and my biological father I had enough mental abuse to last a lifetime or 3 and without all that I have a much better chance at being normal and better adjusted today.

     I know there are people who have bene through much worse than I have and people who have both hurt themselves or others and who have become something successful after going through their torture stories and I want to offer something positive to anyone going through or anyone who has gone through any kind of abuse:

You can do great things. You can help others or stop the people who have abused you and make this world a better place, you can take that evil energy and rage and use that to fuel something that helps fix these situations.If you've been through heinous things and you're still around YOU are a success. You are. I don't mean people like you who are prefect or talented in some way, I mean you...the person who may be struggling to make ends meet or you fight to make it to the end of everyday or the perosn who messes up a lot but still sees the next morning. YOU are an inspiration to someone.

Thank you, to everyone like this. You're why I'm still alive and you inspire 

me. You inspire more people than you could posisbly know. Don't give up. 

     It's funny, I was gonna write about trans people who suffer abuse and how that affects us (which it's true) but this is an issue that affects so many. I don't want to limit it to black or white people, to the trans community or cisgendered people or non-binary people or just poor people, etc. It hurts anyone and everyone affected by abuse and I want to see people as a whole do 2 things:
   1. Rise above their situation and become an inspiration to others
   2. Do what we can to stop abusers from corrupting innocent kids.

Thank you for reading this and feel free to share this with anyone who you think reading this could help.

January 22nd 2018 Update

     Vincent: I've been dealing with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and insane amounts of random bad luck lately and that has been affecting my life in a big way. I've missed work, I've missed out on things for friends and I've been giving myself migraines from the stress of all that. And of course, I had to do something to help my situation, I broke my tooth the other day and it is killing me.


I've given up trying to keep up with friends or anyone else and that has it's good and bad sides. Oh and every day I get called Vincent or he or get asked to do something because "I'm a guy" makes it harder to deal with, I do not feel like a guy in any way other than my body so it's getting harder to hear; I'm not saying I'm going to yell at anyone who uses those terms, I'm just saying I feel it more and more that I want so badly to put 'Vincent' away for good.


     Layla: It's been so hard not to start the hormones I have in my possession, it would be so easy to just start them and not even tell my Dr. I'm not gonna do that but it would be so easy and it would make me feel a lot more comfortable. I've gained so much weight lately that it's crazy, maybe it's because I haven't been walking for about a month now but I think it's because I stopped estrogen (that's when it started to add up so quickly, I've gained about 25 lbs since stopping)

On the positive side, I've been slowly introducing more feminine things into my world, mostly for the sake of my friends and that's been going okay. I started painting my nails months ago and now my friends aren't shocked when they see that and I've been wearing more pink and more softer colors and clothes that are more stereotypically feminine; my hair is getting pretty long and I love that.

And another really cool...let's call it a side effect of being open about myself is my dreams. So I have always had dreams that I had to hide being feminine, like one specific one was when I was in 6th grade.

I was walking home from school one random day and I realized I was growing breasts; my chest

started to ache and I was trying to be as invisible as I could. As I was nearly safe from every one's view, a friend came and told me I needed to be a safety that day (I was a safety in school for a while and had to wear a bright orange belt and a badge after school) So I go to a corner and help kids cross the street but I'm trying my hardest to hide that  my body is becoming more feminine by the minute; by the end kids didn't recognize me till I spoke.

I felt so embarrassed when I woke up and that ramped my hiding of the truth by a lot. I tried harder to be more manly for a while and tried so hard to stay away fro anything even remotely feminine.

Now, I have been dreaming myself as a female completely for a while now, it's interesting how my mind changes how my dreams are based on how things go in life. I'm nt saying that I'm a biological female or that I ever will be but my mind knows what I am inside and has begun kinda recentering certain things. It's pretty fascinating.

     I have two appoin tments coming up this week and I am terrified that the cardiologist appointment will not go well so I would appreciate any kind words or prayers. If that goes well, the apointment at

Mazzoni Center will go really well and I'll be allowed to start medicine.

I'm anticipating these and hoping for the best. I'm realy hoping in a few years I'll be able to talk about all of this as a stepping stone toward Layla's emergence and a renewed life. Hoping...hoping...

Impatience Abounds

     So...I have told all my closest friends and all the people I think deserve to know what I've been dealing with for most or all of my life. I sat down with or messaged (those who I couldn't sit down with) and told them that I'm trans, I told them I've been delaing with it since I was young enough to think for myself and that my choice for my life is to transition from male to identifying as female.

(Disclaimer: I know I will never be a genetic female and I don't expect anyone to change anything about their life. It is my choice and I will respect if no one ever refers to me as a female or uses feminine pronouns when referring to me. But on the other hand, I am a person who is trying his/her hardest to live a life I want to actually live. I've been suicidal since I was under 10 and for the first time, I don't wake up every morning wishing a truck would veer off the road and take me out so before you try to mic drop me or [rudely] use masculine pronouns just to hurt me know that you're tipping the scale toward suicide wayy more than you are holding some truth you believe in.)

     So anyway, I told everyone that I think deserves to be told perosnally and now I'm waiting to start my transition. And let me just say, it is SOOOO HARD to wait for something you have dreamt of and thought about nonstop since you were like 4!! The worst part is I'm waiting for a cardiologist to say my heart is okay and then I can start. AND I hav ethe estrogen pills in my possession; I have for months now. Which means I've been sitting on them and waiting...and waiting...and waiting... (I think you get my point)...and waiting...

Now I'm coming up to my appointment at the Mazzoni Center in Philadelphia (the greatest city in the world) and I'm hoping and praying that all goes well. The best case scenario is that I'll be ab;e to start hormones then and physically begin my transition based on my appointment two days before that with my cardiologist. I'm both excited about the possibility of starting my physical transition from Vincent to Layla and scared that they'll tel me I can't transition for some medical reason. But either way, I'm going crazy right now because I'm stuck waiting for any answer.

     And it's funny because passing is a very important part of my future so I'm impatiently hoping to get started asap. Passing as female is important because I've seen many people who do not pass and they deal with looks and being talked about pretty much every time they go anywhere public and I do not want that. I want to just go about my life and dress how I feel comfortable and do things and go to departments in stores that I feel comfortable and talk about the things I enjoy and not be stared at all the time.
I've been made fun and talked about and made to feel awkward a lot in my life already and I would ideally like to not go through that anymore.

I even had a friend who does not agree with my choice to transition didn't think I was going to go through with it because she hasn't seen me wear feminie clothes or hasn't seen any physical changes in me yet.

I'm ready to take on the challenges of people askig questions and the challenge of firends seeing my body changing and the challenge of standing up in public and embracing who and what I truly am; again with the hope oflooking even close to the way I fele on the inside.

     Ok so my final thought is about my name. When I was looking for a name to represent me as an identifying female, I went through so many names I can't count them and came to a few I really liked. One that I wanted as my first name was Jade, it's unique and sounds very quirky in a way, another was Layla. I liked them a lot and eventually started going by Layla Jade. My last name is very important, I will admit it is heavily influenced by my favorite tv show: I am a Gilmore Girl at heart so Gilmore is THE name.  SO I recently decided since I am very clse to legally changing my name, I want to make sure it's the right name for me and decided to change the middle name to Lee; it goes well and I truly love the sound of Layla Lee Gilmore. For the firs ttime in my entire life, I love hearing my own name. So as I get closer to legally changing my name, I will change it to Layla Lee Gimore and have no regrets as I start a new chapter in my life.