July 20th 2018 A memory and Some Stray Thoughts

     So I have a few fond memories that have been running around in my mind and a few other thoughts to share. Hopefully future me understands the mess of words I make here.

I'll start with the memory:

     Last night, I watched the Lion King on my wall with my projector. It started out where I just found all the movies on my hard drive and put them on random; Lion King was the first up and as it started, it quickly became apparent that this movie needs to be watched in giant fashion. Once up on the wall, it brought back the memory of the first time I ever saw that movie.

     My biological father (boy, I just LOVE bringing that barely-human up) saw that I had made some money and announced in front of my sister that I would pay for her to see the new Disney movie that she was dying to see. At that moment, I wanted to stare him to death like Lily did in How I Met Your
Mother. My little sister was absolutely unstoppably happy at that thought and before I could even finish being manipulated we we at the movie theater...in line for tickets...being paid for by me...NOT by my choice.

     We went in and I was so angry but I tried my best to seem OK for my sister, I really did like it when we got along so I went in and we started watching it. In the dark, I was sitting there pouting as Jonathan Taylor Thomas made fun of Mr. Bean and then Simba sang about being king some day...you know the movie.

     So the scene where Scar tells Simba to run because he just killed his dad, (that's who I saw as my biological father then and now. An evil, cowardly creep who refuses to do anything even slightly honorable) that got me hooked and I saw little sister really loving being there.

     I really loved being able to share the moment of her seeing that movie for the first time with her. By the end, neither of our eyes were dry and we both loved it. Last night I re-lived watching it on a big screen and it  was kinda like watching it for the first time again in a way.

     Life update: July 20th 2018

I've been doing A LOT better in the department of depression and suicidal thoughts for months now.
I haven't had a single thought about death in long enough that I can't remember the actual last time. I don't have a frame of reference to go back to in my entire life to remember when I was at this point. Ever.

     I have learned not to treat anything like it has no power even when it's stronghold on my mind seems to release a little, that's when it seems to come back strong. I'm not going to treat this like a victory but I am going to try to take more steps and do things that depression held me from. I'm not fully sure I know what that is but I can think of a few things that I've mentally held myself back from. My hope is that I read this in the future and see this as at least one turning point toward better things.

          I truly must give thanks to God for where my life is going and the ability to not give up before. It wasn't my steength or faith in me that got me this far. I secondly give thanks and respect to the friends, both online and in person, that have helped me get to a point where I cansmile a real smile. I'm not a finished product but this is a great place to actually work from as opposed to where I could be right now.

Thanks for staying with me this far and I promise it'll be worth your time by the end.

Don't Die Yet, Kevin Smith. Please.

     Kevin Smith nearly died recently; a person I've never met and who has had no physical impact on my life nearly passed away...and it is an awful thought that I nearly lost the chance to meet someone who has inspired so much of who I am without even getting the chance to meet him.

     Kevin Smith, a guy who loves comics and hockey who made some great movies and made a few not great movies and likes to talk almost left this world and that would have devastated me. 

I am a person who has not had many friends growing up, I've been fighting depression and suicidal issues since I was at least 7, I am transgendered and am just now actually embracing my transition instead of hiding it and hating myself, I loved comics as a kid (I don't care what anyone says, Superman's positivity and innate goodness is and will always be the best), I found the sport of hockey to be my only escape from a jail of loneliness and a terrible family situation growing up and I have always had so much creativity in me that I couldn't contain it.

     Ready for the connection? Okay, here it is:

Somehow or another, I found a movie and watched it. It was about a few misfit characters who thought they were cooler than they were and kinda formed their own "cool" and bonded over comics. They were funny and the one character said what was on his mind in a way I wished I could (I was the opposite of outgoing or charismatic) and the other seemed to be a go-between from the outcasts to the cooler kids in their social world. 

Then there were these two stoner characters, the ones I had no understanding of or care to even see them. I was not and am not a fan of drugs and as a kid I was a lot harsher against everything involving glorifying of drugs (I'm not making any statements about that, I'm just expressing how much the least favorite character became a glowing inspiration to me in my whole life). 

Yeah...I saw Mallrats first. I'm the odd ball, big surprise. I saw it randomly and watched the commentary and learned that Silent Bob (the character I liked least) was the director. And I learned that he was hilarious. I loved how he could joke about himself without seriously putting himself down in a depression kind of way. In an hour and a half I found the very first inspiration this random guy created for me...a nobody.

     I wanted to stop destroying myself in how I talked about me, he was one of the first to actually reach me in that aspect. 

     I also heard a little of his philosophies, he has always seemed to be very fan friendly and like a real person instead of some Hollywood imaginary hero. And he seemed generous because he truly wanted to be generous. 

The second thing there has become a deep and very real part of my personality, I try everyday to help someone. As much as I hate when customers treat me badly and when people are slow or selfish and even when people wish me harm or whatever...I still want to make this world a little better than it was before I got here, even if I only help one person a day or a week. That has a lot to do with Kevin Smith and people like him. 

     So I watched Mallrats about a thousand times then I saw Clerks and LOVED IT. Of course, right? It's a cult classic and I couldn't get enough of Randall or the straight man, Dante. Then I watched Dogma and while I am not a fan of anything making fun of God, I can recognize the irony, sarcasm and hypocrisy of it. I enjoyed it for what it was. And a few years later, I started to see on YouTube more from Smith. 

     I found a clip at some point that could make me laugh even on terrible days, he heard there was a protest for Dogma and he went out and protested his own movie under a fake name. This dude actually went out there and trolled them right next to them and OHMYGOSH, I can not express how funny that is on so many levels. This kind of humor has shaped how I joke and the levels I try to go to to make people laugh. 

     And my favorite part of his humor is he doesn't target people or take any viscous cuts toward anyone, at least anyone who's not a close friend. 

     And lastly, he has done a lot to try to encourage people. That is something this world sorely needs. Go after your dreams, even if no one else gets what you're trying to do or likes what you like. Do good things help others, don't put others down, add creativity to this world, etc...these are all philosophies Kevin Smith has put out there and they are all amazing things to promote. For these reason, I want very much to meet him someday soon; I want the chance to tell him in person just how much he means to an outcast. 

I don't want this to sound bigger than it is but Kevin Smith has a very small part of helping me to not end myself, seeing him encourage such good things had a life saving effect on me, in a way. 

     Anyway, I just felt the need to put this out there and maybe hope he reads this. If I could encourage him in any way and return the favor even a little, it would seriously mean the world to me. 

In the unlikely but hopeful event that Mr. Smith ever reads this I gotta say this:

          Kev,

                   Thank you, man. Seriously, thank you. Keep doing what you do. And I don't care what anyone says, I'm honored to add you to my prayers ( Chris Pratt isn't the only one praying for you, haha) Oh and I'm not a fan just because you make movies so whether you make another Clerks or Mallrats or not, you've got a friend in me.
                                                Sincerely,
                                                            not your biggest fan but definitely a life long fan

Now vs. Then

   
Yesterday signifies something really big for me, something I've been waiting for for a very long time:
    I have officially started HRT! I went through a lot of scary scenarios in the last 2 months and thought I might not have been able to but after a cardiologist visit and many tests I am started on estrogen FINALLY!

     It's funny because people who I've told about myself have known for about 2 years, maybe a little more but for me it's been like 31 years that I've been dealing with this and waiting for this. I understand some people thinking I'm making an impulsive decision or that I am not thinking this through thoroughly but I can remember being 7 years old, watching little girls in class or passing me in a mall or wherever and just wishing so hard that I could live the life she had.

     So this gave me a thought, throughout my life what is the now vs. then comparison in many ways. For example, when I was about 15 I moved to my Uncle's house; at that time where I was mentally and what I wanted in life and what I thought was SOO vastly different for what I am today.

     Back then: God was absolutely not a thought to me. Back then politics was something I avoided at all cost (probably because I didn't want to have to actually learn something) and back then I thought every single person in life was either a drunk or abused by a drunk, so why try to succeed.

     Now: God has been a very important aspect of my life (while I do not have the greatest relationship with Him and I have my doubts and fears, God ha played a huge part in my life in every single way), Politics have become very important to me (learning where or country is going and who is trying to gain power in the world is not only important to me but necessary) and I have successfully made it through college and have brought myself back from being homeless at times and have done what it takes to get far from that drunk mentality.

     Back then: When I was young, like 7 or 8, I did everything I could to hide any thoughts of femininity at all. I ignored and pretended to be someone I was not so hard that it affected me on a deep level. Anything I did that wasn't "typically male" was hidden from everyone no matter what and I did things and played with toys and talked about things that I internally hated just to pretend I was what I was supposed to be.

     Now: Since opening up to those close to me about my true self, I have honestly been feeling like a human. I have been slowly opening up more and more and letting myself feel comfort in my regular life that I've never been able to feel at all ever before.

It reminds me of this: clench a muscle, now hold it for an hour. Imagine at that point, the people you trust or should trust the most tell you that you're a sick monster if you unclench that muscle and you're told society knows that unclenching that muscle is just wrong and never okay ever. So hold it clenched for a day, a week and a year.


Now unclench it and feel that comfortable feeling...that's what I'm slowly feeling right now. It's almost scary even though it's been at least respected as a decision I've already made but it feels like I'm actually allowed to be relaxed in that way. Ever.

It's not just freeing, it's like having that muscle back or in my case, having that muscle for the first time.
There was an episode of House MD that displayed this philosophy, a Canadian soldier was angry and messing with House and one day House broke into his house and helped him to unclench a muscle, it was actually an arm that he lost in war; when he lost it it was clenched hard and he never lost that feeling till House showed him how to relax that phantom pain

     Back then: I walked around looking at everyone, kinda studying everyone else and wondering
why I couldn't be a normal standard male human. It made me think I was an alien or a freak or like an Xman but with no cool powers. I often held that against myself and sometimes I held it against friends and treated them badly; I tried to copy what others did but like pinterest attempts, that usually went hilariously bad...nailed it.

 I thought of myself as the one that  was meant to just be made fun of and left out and the odd man out...so to speak. No other male friends wanted so badly to wear and do makeup, no other male Friends wanted to dress and look pretty while hating...despising being considered handsome or manly. And no other male friends of mine as a kid were just so sad because they had to pretend to like GI Joe's or Transformers, they all loved it and it was clear.

     Now: In the last few months, I've been slowly working more things in my life that I truly enjoy and taking out things I don't. It's been a lot of fun growing my hair out and wearing nail polish and wearing small amounts of makeup then seeing how people do or do not notice these little changes. I think it's in the best interest for me and for the people around me that I respect that I make slow changes and kinda allow us all to accept these changes little by little. It's kinda like growth, we didn't wake up one day as full grown adults and I am kinda treating this like that. It's for myself to slowly be able to enjoy and understand what I'm doing fully as much as it is for my friends and those I consider family to take it in slowly.

I don't think it would help anyone else to see me one day just wearing a dress the day after wearing khaki pants and looking the way I regularly look; the culture shock isn't worth the ripple it would create especially when there is a way that I can do what I want and need to but do it in a way to avoid that potentially rude and harmful quick jump into femininity.

 I'm not saying that anyone else should not do that, every single case of someone coming out as gay or trans or nonbinary should be taking as a 
special and delicate situation and treated based on what's going on in THAT situation specifically. No two situations are exactly alike nor should they be handled the same just because another person's situation went a certain way.

     So today is the first day of me living the life I feel I deserve, it's not going to be easy and it's going to bring a lot of problems that I will need to deal with and learn on the fly how to handle but it's the life I know I will actually feel like it's worth living and I hope anyone who is struggling can find a way to get to the point where they're living a life worth living to them.

     To anyone who has kept up with my diary, I can't thank you enough and I want you to know that through my suicidal issues and through my depression and through my bad times, I know at the end of the day I don't want to die or be miserable; I want to be happy and be okay. And I'm trying.

Thank you.

The Trait I admire and Respect Most

     What is the great trait one can live by? What is the one thing that one can use and still be above most? 

Surprisingly no, not even all the money in the world is as imporant as this one character trait. Still not sure what it is?

Not fame either, although that's pretty cool. Give up?

     Okay, since you give up...I'll tell you.

To me the mos timportant thing anyone can do is be loyal. Be a friend who is there (whether in constant agreement and support or friends who don't see eye to eye on everything), be a lover who doesn't walk away, be a coworker who helps when the going gets tough...just be loyal.

     I've had people of all kinds walk away from me, blood family is not exempt from this list and it is always a shock and always painful to me. I've seen people I thought were close friends, people who told me they'll be there for me, and then I saw those same people disappear when I needed them the most. Not cool. 

I guess because that happened to me so much at crucial times, it became so vital to me. Friends with money or some kind of power can go away or hurt the friendship but loyalty should be something you wear proudly and use often.

     Now on the other hand, I want to talk about loyalty that has been shown  to me. It comes in the form of firends who have been there for me at my worst tiems and they still show their loyalty to me even now.

My friends constantly show me why being loyal is an honor. I've always believed that everyone has an average of 3 friends who are there for you all your life, three friends who will never ever leave your side even if they're across the country or world. And if that's true, I have ruined the averages for
a lot of people because I have so many of those kind of friends. In 2000, I joined my church and have enjoyed a big group of people who love and care for me from then on, picking up a few between then and now.

There have been times where I wanted to give up and these friends showed me their loyalty and their love and it brought me back from the dark places my mind was nearing.




     So for these reasons that I've experienced on both sides of this particular tcharacter trait, I say that being loyal and seeing loyalty is the greatest attribute one can have. And I can't thank those friends enough for being this to me, there are too many of you to name but if you have been this to me you know who you are.