July 20th 2018 A memory and Some Stray Thoughts

     So I have a few fond memories that have been running around in my mind and a few other thoughts to share. Hopefully future me understands the mess of words I make here.

I'll start with the memory:

     Last night, I watched the Lion King on my wall with my projector. It started out where I just found all the movies on my hard drive and put them on random; Lion King was the first up and as it started, it quickly became apparent that this movie needs to be watched in giant fashion. Once up on the wall, it brought back the memory of the first time I ever saw that movie.

     My biological father (boy, I just LOVE bringing that barely-human up) saw that I had made some money and announced in front of my sister that I would pay for her to see the new Disney movie that she was dying to see. At that moment, I wanted to stare him to death like Lily did in How I Met Your
Mother. My little sister was absolutely unstoppably happy at that thought and before I could even finish being manipulated we we at the movie theater...in line for tickets...being paid for by me...NOT by my choice.

     We went in and I was so angry but I tried my best to seem OK for my sister, I really did like it when we got along so I went in and we started watching it. In the dark, I was sitting there pouting as Jonathan Taylor Thomas made fun of Mr. Bean and then Simba sang about being king some day...you know the movie.

     So the scene where Scar tells Simba to run because he just killed his dad, (that's who I saw as my biological father then and now. An evil, cowardly creep who refuses to do anything even slightly honorable) that got me hooked and I saw little sister really loving being there.

     I really loved being able to share the moment of her seeing that movie for the first time with her. By the end, neither of our eyes were dry and we both loved it. Last night I re-lived watching it on a big screen and it  was kinda like watching it for the first time again in a way.

     Life update: July 20th 2018

I've been doing A LOT better in the department of depression and suicidal thoughts for months now.
I haven't had a single thought about death in long enough that I can't remember the actual last time. I don't have a frame of reference to go back to in my entire life to remember when I was at this point. Ever.

     I have learned not to treat anything like it has no power even when it's stronghold on my mind seems to release a little, that's when it seems to come back strong. I'm not going to treat this like a victory but I am going to try to take more steps and do things that depression held me from. I'm not fully sure I know what that is but I can think of a few things that I've mentally held myself back from. My hope is that I read this in the future and see this as at least one turning point toward better things.

          I truly must give thanks to God for where my life is going and the ability to not give up before. It wasn't my steength or faith in me that got me this far. I secondly give thanks and respect to the friends, both online and in person, that have helped me get to a point where I cansmile a real smile. I'm not a finished product but this is a great place to actually work from as opposed to where I could be right now.

Thanks for staying with me this far and I promise it'll be worth your time by the end.

More Deconstruction: "Dad"

     I have a few things that hurt me to think about, a few things that mess with my head even on my best days. Can you guess what this entry's topic is about? No, not the fall of Rome...that's a topic for another time. The word "Dad" hurts me every time I hear it.

     It all started when I was very young, old enough to use a phone but not very old. I heard the phone ring, picked it up at the same time  as someone else and because I have always been nosey I listened.

I don't remember the exact words but the gist of the conversation was that the man (and I use that term loosely) who was supposed to be a "dad" to me said he didn't want to take me on a trip or something, he said he never wanted me at all in the first place.

I knew that sucked hearing but didn't fully understand what I had heard. Over the next few years, I grew curious and made sure to pay attention to things he said or did when I was around and it made sense later that he never wanted me to be his, he never wanted to be my "dad"

Which was a good thing for him because he never was that, at all.

     Skipping ahead to a big day trip. A trip to Collingswood, NJ where there was a fair along Cooper River. Live music, games and lots of people having a good time. Same...let's call him a man...he picked me up and brought me to the fair. We walked around for a while, it was him, his wife and me.

I was not exactly a fan of his but like most kids, I didn't express my full feelings really ever. We walked around for a while together and at one point told me I could go off on my own, we were in a relatively small area and I wasn't dumb enough to go away with anyone else or anything like that. I have always been a wanderer so I went and checked out some tents they had and talked to random people and tried to just have fun. We set up a time to meet up and a certain place, that was my only stipulation from him.

So I'm having fun and walking around and I saw that it was nearly time to meet at that certain place.

Now one thing my friends and employers 

know about me is I am obsessively early 

whenever I have to be somewhere. 

Every Flyers game I go to or day I have to work, I'm just about 

always so early it's kinda silly.

So it's just about time to meet up and I get to the spot...and I wait.
                                 
                                           ...and I wait...


                                                                       ...and I keep waiting...

     So the meeting time was 1pm and I'm waiting so long that I started to see the sun going down. And after about another hour, the fair starts packing up. And I'm still standing there waiting, as instructed. This was before cell phones so it's not like I could have just sent a text or made a call to him.

At sometime after 10pm, a person came up to me and asked if I needed help. I told him my situation and he led me to a police officer who got me in touch with the man who was supposed to be a protector to me. The man who told me to meet him at a certain tent at the fair at 1pm, the man who was home laying in bed. This was the man who invited me...and forgot me.

He forgot me. I was maybe 14 or 15 and he just left me there. Oh by the way, he lived about 45 minutes away in Bensalem, PA.

     This is what most represents the word "Dad" to me throughout my life. I have been trying to learn to be happy for people with good dads and for friends who ARE good dads, and I truly am happy for them.

I never want anyone to go through the crap I went through so if I can encourage people to do one thing, it's to be a good parent or relative or friend to those around you. You can create a dictionary of words that make someone feel good and happy instead of what I'm going through constantly, you could make someone hear a word and smile.

And that is an amazing thing.

A Letter to a 'Man' Who Will Never Be Forgotten *warning, some language*

          Dear Dave,

   You might remember me, you donated sperm that helped me to be born at one point. You might remember me, you showed me how NOT to treat women. You might remember me, you taught me every single thing about what dads do that you never did. You might remember me, I was the one you rejected multiple times even as a small child and sometimes directly to me. You might remember me, I was the one that you deemed not good enough because of things like money isn't the most important thing to me and I wasn't driven to "succeed" the way you think is success.

   I remember being a kid, caring about you, thinking good things about you and actually wanting to see you...but...I also remember over-hearing you tell someone you never wanted me, I also remember you walking away even after I forgave you and opened myself up and made myself vulnerable for you. I also remember sitting in your car, after seeing your thousands of dollars in brand new work out equipment and hearing you tell me how poor you are and how you couldn't possibly help me not be homeless. I also remember learning that you beat your ex-wife and I remember seeing the path of devastation in the wake of some of the people you used and hurt and left without caring for even a second. I even chose to ignore all those things for a time, I knew what you said but I tried so hard to think, "I can make it different if I just forgive him and I'll be the one to let this go and move on from here."

   I used to want to forgive you even after what you put me through as a kid. You left me behind so many times and I gave you one last chance, one time where I tried to heal our broken relationship and salvage at least some kind of connection and you took that and you threw it away. You figuratively spit in my face as I made myself vulnerable to you then you told me "Fuck your shitty worthless garbage self" before burning the little bit of care I had for you. And I just stood there and took it, I felt it whether I wanted to or not. I tried to not feel it, I tried to put up a shield around myself against you and block any stupid thing you said or did to me. Mainly because I knew you would hurt me and I knew you didn't care about me and secondly because I refused to let people in my world but you broke through that...scratch that, I let you in for a second and you made me regret that hardcore.

   For years I thought about what I wanted to say to you if I ever saw you again, I wanted to curse you out or tell you all the things that are messed up in me irreversibly solely and completely because of YOU. I wanted to hurt you, to watch you bleed and be in pain. I wanted to do some of the most vicious  things I could imagine to you and even to those around you just to see if that would hurt you. I wanted to kill your pet and leave the body on your doorstep, I wanted to spray paint things on your house and make you have to pay to clean it (since I know money is the only thing you care about), I wanted to kill you. I wanted to become an actual murderer because of you.

   The fact is I am glad I never did any of that, all of who I am (absolutely no thanks to you in any way) is against hatred, violence and hurting people. It's taken me many many years to say this: Even you. I work a regular job and on a daily basis, I try to help people who are poor or angry or sad and I make very little money because people are important to me, making someone's life better in some small way is a world better than being what you consider successful. And doing any of the things I imagined doing to you would make me something I'm not and of all the people that deserve to change me or cause me to be different, you get none of that.

   I will never do anything to harm you or even wish physical harm to you. I may even pray for you in time but I do hope you think about what you have done to so many people, I hope you close your eyes and see my face and the other people you helped give life to and I hope somewhere in your black cold heart, you feel it.

    I still hate you, I still have times when rage takes over when I think about what you have done to me, despite being in my life so little and how much you've ruined my life...It's actually a little impressive how much damage you caused. There are things I will most likely never be fixed in my because you were the worst scum you or anyone could possibly be to me. And that is something I'll never be able to forget, no matter how hard I try.

                                             Sincerely,
                                                     me