Problems With No Solution

     So today I sat in my room all day, didn't attempt to hurt myself or sit here and hat eon myself till I wanted to die but I did do something that I don't know how to handle. I sat here, on my bed and felt scared. Scared to leave the room, scared to do something, scared to not do anything...just scared. I don't know why and I don't know what to do to work on that.

First thing is I have a problem being seen. I have no idea why or where that comes from. My room mate, who  is my land lord and a very good guy, is in his living room often and for I-have-no-idea-why I feel terrified to leave when he's there. I know for a fact that at worst, he'll ask how I'm doing.

I've lived with some not decent people and I've lived with some of the greatest people I have ever met, the thing in common is I have had this same problem. I lived with a family of people that did not judge me on a daily basis but there were many days that I felt like there was a brick wall keeping my door locked and I had no way to open it. They were cheerful, polite, helpful and I was terrified of them at times.

     I've been trying to identify the things that keep me in the dark places emotionally/mentally and usually I at least know what I need to do; I just don't know how to work through this. I mean, I know "Just go outside. Just walk out and beat that feeling." but I can't explain how many times I've walked to my door and just could not turn the handle.

     I do know that being heard or seen scares me. I do know that the feeling of being seen the moment I walk into someone's view makes me want to throw up sometimes or it just hurts to interrupt anyone. Like I feel like I'm a little kid and I'm getting in someone's way with everything I do. Other times, I feel that same feeling I get when I did something wrong and I don't know how bad they're going to punish me. This is the feeling:

          When I worked at a previous job, one specific day I pretended to not know I was on schedule and I was in Philadelphia with a bunch of friends. So I got a call and answered, saying I misread the schedule. Said boss was irate and told me to be in within a half hour and my response was, "I'm hours away with no way to get back." I heard the phone click and I went about my day, I already was in as much trouble as I could be so I enjoyed the rest of my time in Philly. My next work day though, I walked in feeling like I was a talking mouse trying to not be caught by scientists or something. I was so scared to clock in and do my job, rightfully so.

That feeling, waiting for that exact boss to see me for the first time that day was the same gut feeling I get sometimes when just walking out of my room.

     So now I am sitting here looking back at a completely wasted day and I'm angry that I barely did anything I needed to or wanted to do. I did a very little bit of cleaning but could have done a lot more. And this is part of a psychological deeper issue that I hope to understand more abot and figure out how to work on the root of it.

     If you analyze things, help me out. If you pray, pray for me. If you worship satan...I don't want help from him but I appreciate any kind owrds from you. If you're a Penguins fan...there's no hope for you, I'll pray for you. Thanks everyone.

Anxiety, Birthdays and Positivie Thinking

     Hello, again. Thank you for visiting this blog, I will be your tour guide through the mind of Layla Lee Gilmore. Please hold any questions for the comments section and we must insist, no eating while in her brain. Crumbs may affect brain cells. Thank you and enjoy the ride.

     Alright so I'm gonna jump right in, I've been dealing with anxiety at very high levels lately. Very. High. It's becoming very hard to keep my emotions under control and mainly in certain areas mentally. I've been able to handle things like being patient with people who are not accepting of my transition or when it comes to waiting for the train to come but when it comes to things like me wanting to perform a certain act and unable to do it in the time I need to. or if I have to leave work and my coworker is late, those situations have become so much worse emotionally.

     I'll give you an example of something that has really been draining emotionally for me:
I was at work, I'm a cashier, and a person I used to know came in. Now the last time I saw this person, I was being yelled at threatened and had to call the police to assess the situation; said person came in and got what they needed to get.

In my mind, I went through a thousand different scenarios of what was going to happen when they got in line.The person was polite and said hello, which I wasn't expecting, then I did my job and was polite back. This whole thing took about 9 minutes from the moment they walked in till the moment they left and afterward I felt like I had run a marathon.

     My emotions in that situation (or non situation) just blew me away at how my overthinking and over...fearing, I guess you could call it were so  encompassing that I physically felt drained. Not exactly like the same as running a marathon but draining nonetheless. I've hit a few situations like this that have drained me more lately than in a long while.

Michael Patrick Bossler

     And now for birthdays...oh birthday, how you never want to leave me alone. I am not a fan of my birthday and I don;rt know how to deal with it or come to terms with it. To explain that, my uncle Mike never missed my birthday, not when I had nowhere to live or when I was at my biological father's or when I was at Bible college. No matter what was going on he called me or visited and I counted on that, he was the only reason so many times that I even cared about celebrating my birthday.

All that ended in November of 2012, he took his life and with it he took a giant piece of my heart. The last serious attempt to take my own life was the birthday after that and I created a short film depicting that night
(trigger warning: suicidal issues confronted in this video)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQfpNVVl7gE

     Anyway, ever since November of 2012, I hurt the most during my recognized day of birth and it seems to be harder each year. I remember a time when I had been sleeping in a baseball field in Camden for a few weeks, things were really bad and I barely had any food to eat throughout that whole and on my bd, he got in touch with me and sent me some money. It wasn't about the money that made me feel so much better, it was that he cared enough to find me and he wanted to help.

And on my bd in 2013, my friends tried to do something nice and people tried to say something on facebook and that was very nice but I needed to hear from the only person who has ever made the word 'family' not feel horrible...the only person I couldn't hear from.

   To this day, it hurts to go through that day every year and I don't even know how to pretend to be okay on that day. I guess that's one of my dark days. My uncle's passing anniversary is another and his birthday is although I'm trying to make that a good one. So if you know me and want to do something for my bd, here's steps to actually be positive:

1. Do not leave a comment about  the day I was born on my birth anniversary. You can feel good about yourself while hurting me at the same time or you could just not.

2. Pick a random day in the summer and do something nice like draw me a picture or buy me a piece of cake but don't say why. The summer is a long and at times grueling season for me and I'm sure I'll forget I wrote this by then so I won't be affected in this way if you do something nice for me. DO NOT SAY HAPPY B******Y TO ME THOUGH.

3. I love chocolate chip cookies or strawberry flavored cake...or limes if you want to be a little healthier. Also I don't want to sound like I expect or deserve things that take your money, seriously the most meaningful things I own and hold onto are things that took way more thought than money. I have a friend who made me a poster by gluing crayons to a canvas and used a blow dryer to melt them in a rainbow. I will never choose to get rid of that ever. It took thought to make something for me and that is more valuable than anything she could have  bought me.

     And finally, I have been trying a lot more to be positive in my thinking. I've been working on being grateful for specifically small and daily things that I have made a habit of ignoring because my life sucks.

Every morning I've been reminding myself of the good things that happen to me and I've been praying thankful prayers for those things and for the people in my life that mean something to me. Doing this has had a small but noticeable affect on my moods at times and I hope to make this more of a routine than I ever did before. I've put a lot of negativity on God and whether I'm right or wrong, I am trying to take all of that off Him and just focus on the thankfulness I should have. I want positivity to be a stronger force than depression

Thank you for reading and make sure you please deposit any trash in the waste basket that on your way out. Hope you enjoyed the tour

It's Getting Too Real

     I'm going to warn you here, there aren't any witty jokes or positivity or anypictures to brighten the mood and there is strong language present. Read at your own risk.

     I'm so beyond fucked. And so far everything I do turns to shit. Whether I pray and ask God for help or try to cheat and steal my way to being okay, nothing is ever different. I lose and I get humiliated and I end up on the sad or angry or empty end of things.

My friends have always been great but that's it...I lost the ability to love or feel love or understand it, I have no "wins", no little battle victories, nothing to look at and say "I just have to____ and then it'll work out."

The ONE thing I've been looking for was transitioning and I am watching that quickly fade away from me over the stupidest fucking thing: Money. I need a cardiologist but no one will see me without paying and all my money is going to rent. And since I can't get food stamps, I'm fucked with that so I have to pay for food and that leaves me with nothing. And as of tonight, I won't even have internet at least for a little while.

Anyone tha tknows me knows this will isolate me in a way I don't know if I can handle. I use dto say I don't know what to do. I used to hope that there was some supernatural entity that comes and saves the day but tas each day/minute/second goers by I feel like even if that happens, I don't want their help anymore. Like I'm so angry and hurt and destroyed that even if somehting does work out, I won't even enjoy it. Like who the hell cares if I get the body I want if I'm so bitter and so empty that I hate everything!?

What am I? WHAT THE FUCK AM I?! I don't even feel human anymore, I feel like so much less than human after being shown that even scumbags who rape or steal can get help from the gov't but I, a noon jailed non married non drug using visually male, deserve to starve and rot. According to the governmental assistance, that's al that matters. I didn't do drugs or have kids with random women and I didn't go to jail for stealing so I'm fine.

Basically they're saying that I don't deserve any help because I didn't choose to destroy my life but by saying that, they're destroying my life.

My anxiety grows by the minute and makes it hard to work, fight or even stay alive but I need to work, fight and stay alive because...I'm supposed to? I don't even know why anymore.

I'm out of answers...hell, I don't even know what questions I'm supposed to ask or who I'm supposed to talk to. I'm blinded by the negativity that just engulfs everything.

And I'm suposed to believe that God is taking care of me, that God is in control and all I have to do is pray and read and the anxiety will suddenly clear up and le tme do normal things, I'll find a hidden ad for a great apartment and I won't want to fucking kill myself because everything will stop sucking so much that there's nothing but bitterness and empty hollow loveless speech??

Is that what's supposed to happen? Is that it? Did I just sin one too many times? Did I constantly choose a pencil instead of a pen and God gave up on me?? Cause that's how I feel right now, I feel like I made the wrong decsions as a little kid and God just made the consequences worse and worse and by the time I was old enough to make serious decisions, even the right ones have bitter painful consequences that make my life worse and worse.

Three years ago, I had 3,000 dollars in my account and was planning a trip across the globe and right now...just three years later, I'm barely hanging on to a worthless hollow life that seems to hate me. I've been trying to pray and read and talk to God and ask toerhs to pray for me but the more I try or the more I have ANY hope that things will not be the worst, the worse things get.

Every single fucking time I start even the tiniest bit to have any hope, something destroys it. Every single time. And it's always in such a giant way that I can't do anything about it but get swept away in all of it. It's like when you read about or watch documentaries about serial killers; you see the victims trying so hard to get away and you think 'they deserve to break free and live' and they sometimes even have a great chance but in the end they die...no happy endings, no freedom, no deserved life.

And this is not a drunken or drug induced post, I'm not writing this unde rany influence, I've never done a drug in my life...this is my life. This is what every choice and every action has led to. I'm moving again. I just had to tell the gov't worker to cancel any food stamps because I'm gonna screw anyone who's address I use, I don't have it in me to "be a  man" (in every sense of the phrase), I can't see a cardiologist because they just want money that I don't have, I can't transition because of the cardiologist that doesn't exist, I'm about to have about 40 dollars for two wekes that has to feed me clothe me and cobver any extra expense, I officially can't do anything fun or anything to relieve any stress or anything that doesn't add more fucking stress to my already stress riddled stupid worthless life...

    I've been saying for so long that there's always another option, there's always something else you can do but this point makes me feel like a liar. No matter what I do, it's the wrong thing and it make smy life harder and less worth finishing. I am not strong enough to keep up the intensity for much longer and I fucking hate more and more and care less and less on the regular.

I. Am. Fucked.

Epic Ranting Time (NSFW)

     I'm going to warn you right now, this I am in a horrible mood and I am going to be letting out some very harsh emotions and using strong language that I do not normally use. It is the me that no one sees and it's not an attractive trait. As I write this, I feel dumb for getting so mad but it's not the first, second or five thousandth time something like this has happened to me and it is a microcosm of everything I try to do...so here we go...

     Tonight I felt alone. And not in the "I have no friends around" kinda way although that was true (with the exception of a good friend texting me during the hockey game) I felt alone in the "God is not here for me" kind of way. Now I know a lot of people that would tell me I'm wrong and that I need to trust Him or  read or pray more. I'm not going to pretend I'm consistent with any of that but what I do see consistently is there is nothing I can do without a GIANT fight. Nothing.

Whether I curse or speak politely, whether I steal or give, whether I wait patiently or take what I want when I want it...it always ends up the same; something makes everything I do so hard that even when/if I get it, I am so angry beyond rage that I don't care about anything or anyone or what happens.

And the worst part is it's not only big life changing things, it's not like I can't seem to get that big house way up in the west hills without something going so wrong that even if I do get it eventually I'm just beyond angry. It's like what happened tonight:

I am sitting here, angry and trying to calm down so I pray and ask God to help me calm down. As I finish that, I am reminded that a friend gave me a season of a tv show (House season 2, my second favorite show and my second favorite season) I forgot he gave it to me and was looking at it like,

"Ok God, thank you for bringing that to my attention. I could 

really use that to relax and calm down. That's perfect."

And so I pick it up and open the case, finding that the little plastic pieces holding the discs is broken. Not something worth freaking out about, just a little annoying. Ok so what. I press the little button to open the disc drive on my computer and it pops out. Good so far, right? Right.

I put the DVD in and it does nothing. After waiting a few minutes, I go into the folder and find the contents of the DVD and click on it. My computer freezes for what seemed like an eternity and I end up force closing the program and reopening it. Same results. Try again? Yeah ok, sounds smart...same result again and again and again. By now, I'm trying not to shout but it's getting harder and harder by the second.

I just want the DVD to work so I can calm down and relax while laughing at Greg House

 That's all I want and by that point, I was doing all I can to keep from cursing at my inanimate object of a computer. So I FINALLY get it to open without freezing and I open my Windows Media Player. It doesn't automatically just play because that's what happens when I do something. I go into the folder for my DVDs and drag and drop the files into the Media Player and to my surprise...they don't work.
     ...of course they don't. I tried each file individually and none worked. I tried to put them all in at once, nope. I tried to reopen the program...nothing again. I kept getting a pop up that said it can't open the files because there's a problem or something like that.

OF FRICKIN COURSE NOT! I'm starting to boil with more than anger at that point.

     Side Note: Oh by the way, my current computer (one that I have taken great care of over the not even year that I've used it) is literally falling apart from absolutely nothing. My previous computer was destroyed because one night I was angry and accidentally broke it. I was so angry over something not working that was supposed to that I hit it and eventually broke it.

So I calmly and gently take the DVD out and restart it. Same results and I try a different program. It opens and that program starts. YES!! Ok, I can come back from this point of anger as long as SOMETHING just works for me. Up until this point, I didn't even think about if it wasn't going to work, I have used this computer recently to play DVDs so there shouldn't be this issue.

I figured that I just gotta do one little thing different and it'll work, I must be making some mistake that keeps it from running as usual. I've been told recently that I do things expecting it to go wrong and that's why things go wrong for me. I didn't even have that in my mind till just after this point.

The program opens and it has the option to play the DVD. ALRIGHT! SO I press the play button and that screen with the run time comes up but there is not time counter, the spot where it's supposed to start counting to show it's playing is faded and at 00:00:00 (on both ends so there's nothing to play and nothing is playing)

"Of Fucking course! C'mon! JUST PLAY! PLEASE??!" I say to my computer that has no way of answering me.

Nothing changes and I shut the program and restart it, trying again. This time I'm near that explosion point, holding on by threads to sanity in this situation. A thread...a very thin thread.
I watch the program do the exact same thing and those threads are pulling from both ends. "JUST...PLEASE?! LIKE REALLY??!"

I get to that same place where the DVD is supposed to play the show and nothing again.

By now, I've gotten past just anger into very very near rage, I am growing a migraine, still angry about the hockey game, I'm feeling alone, I'm sweaty and annoyed and I am beyond ready to destroy the hell out of this computer. So having the program mocking me by what it did next was that breaking point.

It FINALLY opened and I heard Hugh Laurie's voice...for about two seconds. It's in the middle of a random episode and it freezes after two words by the Dr that he all love.

After hearing it and seeing the freezing screen, I about yell, "COME FUCKING ON! WHY??! WHY ARE YOU...AAAAH!" And this is where I start losing my mind. Between the many many curse words that I made sure my inanimate object of a computer heard and my beat red face, I couldn't hold in the rage anymore. It was just too much.

I insulted my computer so much, I'm pretty sure I made up many words just to use against it. And when I decided to just give up on watching the DVD, I stood up and used my full lungs to make it known just how much I can't stand that everything I do (no matter what it is), I fail and end up so angry that I don't care if I get my desired results or not.

I didn't care by that point if the DVD worked perfectly from that very moment on, it didn't matter anymore because I already blew up and lost every ounce of sanity and calmness that I so very needed. I blew up for about an hour...literally one.full.hour.

So after spraying the computer with my anger spit and finally grabbing some semblance of myself, I tried to calm somewhat down from all of that. All I wanted to do was calm down in the first place but the ONE thing I wanted to do was watch a show that I knew would help me laugh and relax a little. So I thought, "Ok. O-mother f*****g-K! I'll find my 2 terabyte hard drive and watch something from there. Screw you, piece of shit computer! I'm, not letting you win! Screw the FUCK out of you! Piece of garbage! I'm so sick of..." and with that, I threw about a thousand more degrading words together.

Of course I couldn't find my hard drive, because that's what I do. I misplace whatever it is I want only at the time that I want it." I stopped and just sat down in the middle of my room floor and just looked up. "Why God? Why do you let this happen to me ALWAYS?! It's always when I need something the most that it's not there or it doesn't work or I mess it up. Always when I need it the most"

I'm just sitting there, speechless and so beyond angry. All I wanted was to compose myself and get to the point of being able to put the stuff that had me in a bad mood out of my mind. But at that point I just...I just don't care.

I don't care that my migraine is hitting me or that my computer is falling apart or that NOTHING is ever simple; all I care about is why God is ignoring my pleas. "God, really?! This is what you want from me?? You want me to just never be okay? Ever?! You don't care that I just need something from you??! DO YOU HEAR ME?!! Do you care??!" I look up and wait a moment.

"Do something! Like now! I don't care if it's good, do something bad, something that I don't like or want...just DO.SOMETHING.NOW." nothing happens.

"Do something so I know you exist..or you're listening...or something to show me you even care that I need you to show me something..." nothing happens. "Anything? Anything at all? I'm not asking for money or everything to work out. I'm not even asking for ANYTHING to work out, God.Just do SOMETHING."

As if He is standing above me, I look up and in just sad rage I say, "DO YOU EXIST?! DO YOU CARE DO YOU KNOW I'M IN NEED? Not just want: need. I need to know you are there."

And like everything else in my life, I do not get the desired result, I get an alone and abandoned feeling. I didn't kick something or throw my computer

(I wanted to so so bad...but I didn't. 

You want proof? Well, I'm typing on that computer 

right now. You wouldn't be reading this if I did)

And I finally calmed down a little, not in a "wow I feel okay" kinda way or a "Now that that's out of my system, I can relax" kinda way; it's more like a "I have no more physical energy and if I get any angrier, I will break something that I reeeeally need to not break" kinda way.

I've been going through a lot lately and it seems like there's no right answer to anything, like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't to everything. I'm not making any threats, that's not what this is about; this is about the emotion and the inability to do anything without it going so badly that I can't win.

I need prayer, badly right now. I truly want to believe God cares but my experiences have not been kind to me and it's getting harder by the minute to hold onto even the desire to care. Right now the only motivation I have to even go on is my upcoming transition. The thought of future girls nights and getting dressed up and not feeling like I'm in the wrong body or wearing inappropriate clothes, those are the only thing I'm clinging to right now.

I know this isn't nice or something I'm proud of writing...I'm sorry if this bothers you to read. It bothers me too, but it is the absolute brutal and completely vulnerable honesty. One of the very few things I see about myself as a successful trait is my opaque honesty and this...well, there is no more vulnerable moment than when one is alone and yelling at God because one feels lost, left out and unloved.

Thank you for reading...

Both Sides of Misgendering

     I want to talk about misgendering and how we as trans people should deal with that.

     I have come out as trans about 2 years ago but have been trans all of my life so my experiences (while I acknowledge I have rose tinted glasses at times) are not minimal at all. I've known I was different since I was very young, maybe 3 or 4. I'll take this in parts, the positive and the negative.

     So  starting with the negative aspect of misgendering:

People often make fun of someone complaining about being misgendered, they treat it like they just made a tiny mistake and it may have only been once or they say they're only one person so get over it. Those people are right in the sense that they may have done it only once or that person is only one person but they do not understand that the person they misgendered most likely has been dealing with feeling and thinking like the opposite sex since a very young age and the grating factor of being called something they grew to hate gets to feel like torture.

While it is true that they are feelings and that act (even if it was said on purpose) is not violence, there are plenty of things that happen to us over time that become instant rage buttons. Imagine a boss who talks down to you whenever they see you; now imagine they see you only for an hour a day throughout the day and only for 5 days a week.

That's not so bad, you get through it in small doses, you focus on the people in your life that matter and deal with it...right? Yeah well, a few months of that and you start fighting back the urge to pick up a school bus and play batter up with that boss' head. Then longer than that and you have to fight back gritting your teeth when that boss talks.

THEN when that boss calls you out for not being respectful...you imagine ripping their eyes out, making boss swallow them and then shoving boss into a meat grinder slowly...amirite? If you've worked with a boss who is anything like this, you know that rage.

That is a close ans smaller idea of how it feels to be misgendered for a long time and a little look into why some people blow up even when it's a mistake. They have been dealing with it for a lot longer than you know.

     They also most likely HATE being grouped in with the gender you called them. I personally have learned how to not get angry and be gracious when complimented in a masculine way but it's not easy for anyone to just accept that over a long period of time.


     Now there is another side of this that trans people should understand and take to heart:

We are asking people to change their beliefs or lives or speech because of a choice we make (transitioning, not being trans) and that is NOT a right or something we should demand of others. If a person walks by me when I eventually transition and identify as a female, I will not expect them to call me anything specific. If they call me a man or dude, they potentially just don't know about my personal situation or they might not agree with my decision...or, and this is likely...they could just be rude/selfish.

I've met a lot of people  as a cashier that don't even notice that I'm human. And as much as I want to thunk their heads on the counter and yell that I'm a human and it's rude to be rude,  need to understand that they are in their world just like I'm in mine.

I have no idea what they're going through or how busy they are. They could have anxiety or they could just have been focusing on something so much that they forgot to form the words they mean to. I've done that so much in my life, I've thought responses and not actually said them, how can I get angry at everyone who doesn't do what I am guilty of too at times?

     Overall, our choices are not more important than other people's lives. If others choose to respect our identity the way we want to associate than they should be respected back and appreciated, the other people don't deserve violence or hatred or anything really. They don't deserve disrespect even, they deserve nothing. Ignorance is worse than hate and the best way to get back at someone who is trying to make you angry is to not be angry. That's how to win against internet trolls too, by the way. Don't let them make you angry by expecting them to say the worst and don't fall for it.

     Ok to wrap this entry up, I want everyone to understand where everyone else is and try to have respect for the other. It's always better and smarter to find a respect for someone else, even people who don't deserve it, in order to find a way to build a bridge some time in our lives.

I'm not advocating letting people abuse you but in regular situations and random little moments, we can both try a little and work together. Thank you for reading and please feel free to share my blog.

More Deconstruction: "Dad"

     I have a few things that hurt me to think about, a few things that mess with my head even on my best days. Can you guess what this entry's topic is about? No, not the fall of Rome...that's a topic for another time. The word "Dad" hurts me every time I hear it.

     It all started when I was very young, old enough to use a phone but not very old. I heard the phone ring, picked it up at the same time  as someone else and because I have always been nosey I listened.

I don't remember the exact words but the gist of the conversation was that the man (and I use that term loosely) who was supposed to be a "dad" to me said he didn't want to take me on a trip or something, he said he never wanted me at all in the first place.

I knew that sucked hearing but didn't fully understand what I had heard. Over the next few years, I grew curious and made sure to pay attention to things he said or did when I was around and it made sense later that he never wanted me to be his, he never wanted to be my "dad"

Which was a good thing for him because he never was that, at all.

     Skipping ahead to a big day trip. A trip to Collingswood, NJ where there was a fair along Cooper River. Live music, games and lots of people having a good time. Same...let's call him a man...he picked me up and brought me to the fair. We walked around for a while, it was him, his wife and me.

I was not exactly a fan of his but like most kids, I didn't express my full feelings really ever. We walked around for a while together and at one point told me I could go off on my own, we were in a relatively small area and I wasn't dumb enough to go away with anyone else or anything like that. I have always been a wanderer so I went and checked out some tents they had and talked to random people and tried to just have fun. We set up a time to meet up and a certain place, that was my only stipulation from him.

So I'm having fun and walking around and I saw that it was nearly time to meet at that certain place.

Now one thing my friends and employers 

know about me is I am obsessively early 

whenever I have to be somewhere. 

Every Flyers game I go to or day I have to work, I'm just about 

always so early it's kinda silly.

So it's just about time to meet up and I get to the spot...and I wait.
                                 
                                           ...and I wait...


                                                                       ...and I keep waiting...

     So the meeting time was 1pm and I'm waiting so long that I started to see the sun going down. And after about another hour, the fair starts packing up. And I'm still standing there waiting, as instructed. This was before cell phones so it's not like I could have just sent a text or made a call to him.

At sometime after 10pm, a person came up to me and asked if I needed help. I told him my situation and he led me to a police officer who got me in touch with the man who was supposed to be a protector to me. The man who told me to meet him at a certain tent at the fair at 1pm, the man who was home laying in bed. This was the man who invited me...and forgot me.

He forgot me. I was maybe 14 or 15 and he just left me there. Oh by the way, he lived about 45 minutes away in Bensalem, PA.

     This is what most represents the word "Dad" to me throughout my life. I have been trying to learn to be happy for people with good dads and for friends who ARE good dads, and I truly am happy for them.

I never want anyone to go through the crap I went through so if I can encourage people to do one thing, it's to be a good parent or relative or friend to those around you. You can create a dictionary of words that make someone feel good and happy instead of what I'm going through constantly, you could make someone hear a word and smile.

And that is an amazing thing.