Positivity and Toxicity

     So it's a new year. It's that time of year when I reject the word that shall not be spoken, probably somewhat because I am a hipster who fights popularity but also because I resolve myself to do things regularly throughout the whole year in short bursts. 

This particular year things happen to have occurred at this exact time and I'm going to make some decrees right now, so...I guess you could say I'm making "a resolution"...I guess

     Since late November, negativity has been growing both in me and toward me. On the outward side, I've had my hours cut at work by a boss who made up reasons to make me look worse than I am to either hurt me financially or get me fired, I've said goodbye to my closest friends and watched them start a new chapter in their life which I am predicting will end my part in their life as a close friend, I've had people I thought were my friends show their true colors about me in a really disrespectful way, I've lost a good amount of the passion that makes me who I am and it's getting really really hard to be patient with my transition that is going slower than molasses.

I've explained or will explain most of these in other diary entries but to list out ALL the stuff I've dealt with JUST SINCE LATE NOVEMBER...it's been a rough few weeks. And that's just the last few weeks, the previous 47 weeks weren't much better.

     Some of these things and some of the negativity that happens is unavoidable, it's part of life, but some of that can be fixed in the future. My goal for the near future is to start from within and
examine all of the negativity that passes through my life and work on what I CAN work on. I know my attitude needs to be better, that's something I can work on starting today and constantly reshape.

Being more honest, open and friendly even when I don't necessarily want to be is another thing I am going to start immediately. These are just a few traits I am looking at that can help change the negativity that has been destroying my soul, things I can do completely for free and no matter what happens each day.

     And my next big piece to eradication of negativity in my life comes in the form of toxicity.

The definition of toxicity is the quality, state or relative degree of being poisonous. And that is EXACTLY what has been in my life in the form of some people. AND I am currently doing what it takes to change my life so that toxicity and drama is farther and as far from me as I can keep 'em.

Now I'm going to explain that I am in no way changing my stance on freedom to disagree with me or my decision. I have many friends who do not agree with my decision to transition, they don't condone my actions and I respect their freedom to make that choice just as much as they respect my choice to do what I believe is right for me to survive and be happy in my life.

To explain what I'm not okay with, I'll use an example here: I don't care if someone refuses to use the gender pronoun I prefer, that's their choice and I won't force someone to do something they find wrong morally. But when someone goes beyond that and uses gender pronouns or uses my (soon to be former) male name in an effort to insult or hurt me or as a fight against me, that's what I will not tolerate in my personal bubble.

This does not mean I will do anything physical, this does not mean I or anyone else should be allowed to do anything physical. I am NOT saying anything even close to that, violence will never be a legal or moral answer to rudeness, misgendering, 'dead naming' or anything like that. This means I am not allowing the people that use their freedom as nothing more than an insult or a verbal fight at me to enter my personal bubble. Those people won't get  responses from me when they text me, they won't get answers to calls and they won't get my time or energy to explain how they are hurt me.
Those people don't deserve that, not when they betrayed me even after I opened up in the most vulnerable and honest and respectful way possible.


...okay....that was a pretty harsh rant. Give yourself a gold star if you've read this far.

     The positive part is...here...Okay so here's the where I reflect on the good stuff and mention want I want to continue to focus on and/or work harder on.

-My cousin has been an absolute inspiration, without him I don't even want to imagine where I'd be and it's really important to me that I help him when I'm able. I don't really have many...err any reasons to get up in the morning lately, so to  try to make his life better in ways kinda makes that a little less sad. It's more selfish than it sounds, don't be too surprised.

-So I'm not a gamer at all, I've had a ps2 for years and loved it but found it was FINALLY time to move up. I bought a ps3 and borrowed a few games. I'm loving having it and all the perks that I haven't had before. Again, go easy on me...I'm wayy behind the times. I do that on purpose; I could save up and go get a ps4 or XBox 1 this year but I'll wait a few years for that.

-I've been trying very very hard to be more honest in everyday life. It's not easy to say things when I find myself in situations where telling coworkers things that will help in the long run but in the moment aren't easy...that probably sounded confusing but I promise it makes sense and it's a really good thing.

-I have a board (I'm using it as a portable desk kind of thing) that I glued small photos of everyone and everythi9ng I love onto for about 11 years and I gave it away to one of the most special and importasnt people in my life as a going away present; now I have a new board and I'm working on decorationg it. Here's to the next 11-15 years, though I doubt I'll meet anyopne that means as much as Tre Dizzle.

Ok, I'm sure there's more but I'm gonna stop before I write a novel and end up missing the next 7 days of work in the process...stay tuned for more written antics in the near future...

A Sad Late Update

     So I'm still here. I say that a lot, I suppose that's a good thing though.

The last few weeks have been very trying for me mentally and emotionally, so saying I'm still here is a bigger thing than it sounds...I'll explain:

Let's start about a month ago, I found out some giant life changing news. Some very very close friends told me they decided to move far enough away that they're not going to be a part of my daily life anymore. They haven't exactly been a part of my every day daily life for a little while but the possibility of visiting them on any given day has been there for about 18 years.

Finding out they were even considering moving 2 hours away was mind blowing; but to find out they were considering it, have considered it, made the decision, found a new church and were looking for a new house was...whatever is a metric ton bigger than mind blowing to me. That both hurt and shocked me (not that they were doing something good for their lives, I was and am happy for their family growth. The hurt is specifically selfish and not knowingly not them hurting anyone on purpose)

     Then, I was hit at work very hard with a bunch of things that I won't get into for reasons but things have not been great there and I've been on a day-and-night constant anxiety scared roller coaster due to that. Oh, and that happened at the same exact time that I found out about my friends. So...great.

     THEN AT THE SAME FREAKING TIME, my health insurance through the state was cut off temporarily (thank you state for being awful and only using the slowest and most useless form of communication, mail) so I lost the ability to receive the medicine that has actually been starting to help me even a little bit. I wasn't able to take migraine medicine or anti depressants for about 3 weeks and that severely sent my emotions and ability to think straight out the window for long enough to drive me crazy. This, in part, affected my performance at work and made things hard on those around me there so that's a small part of that.

     So all of that happened and adding that I jumped from the pill form of estrogen to the needle form, which took a little bit of time to adjust to emotionally, made my last month torture.

Now let's go back and talk about the ramifications of all those things:

     My friends. SO my friends have moved, I helped them move and stayed at their new place the first few nights and even went to their new church their first Sunday. It was joyful to know they're going in the right direction but very very hard to know they aren't here anymore. And here is the selfishest part (I know it's not a word...accept it and move on) They do not approve of my decision to transition and part of their non acceptance is they are not in my friends list on Facebook.

That in itself doesn't mean much, Facebook is not the defining factor of a friendship; BUT...I now have no connection to them except texting, which anyone who knows me personally knows just how bad I am at keeping up that way. I don't get any updates about them or their lives and anyone who says they'll text every update to one person is lying. We'll eventually lose touch.

It's something they didn't want to acknowledge and I didn't want to ruin any of our final moments with but it's the truth. Friends who are in my life have said things to comfort me like they'll always be there for me but they are ignoring this fundamental thing. This wasn't a "See ya later." this was "Goodbye." to 5 of my best friends on planet earth.

     The emotional toll changing medicines take is beyond words, it affected every aspect of my mind and life. I wasn't able to think straight enough to do even small tasks without feeling like I was having a mental break down. And my anxiety/depression is not a small issue so to have that come back at full force was nearly life stopping, at least that's how it felt at all times.

I couldn't control my emotions, I couldn't stop the feeling of everything hitting me at once like an earthquake of fear and panic and chaos. I still don't feel what I would call 'good' but nothing feels as bad as that felt, when adding the trouble I kept getting in at work too.

     So after all that...I'm still here. Kinda numb, don't really feel alive or productive in any way...but still here nonetheless.

Unintentional Learning

     I have this memory, from whenever I was in school and I walked into a lunch room. Not just one specific time but many, many times throughout many different schools and across so many stages of my life. I would walk in to a full or filling lunch room and see groups of friends sitting down; talking or laughing or showing each other something they think their friends like. Kids would walk in behind me and be called to, motioned to sit next to friends. I'd see some kids sitting down without being asked, because they didn't have to be called over or ask to sit down and I remember watching that be cool with whomever they sat by.

...then there was me...

Each second became harder, somehow, to find a place to belong. I tried so hard to just be invisible so I could survey the area without being noticed. But as I have learned, I can't will myself to be unseen. I felt the awkward pouring over me, I felt kids' eyes hitting me and I felt the panic of the fact that even though I looked out of place; like I just needed ONE person (not friend, because...what's that) to pity me and ask me to sit with them...they didn't care.

All that I just explained took seconds, maybe a minute in real time but to me every single time that happened it was longer than any clock had to show. And it wasn't the fact that I was awkward that hurt so much, it wasn't that I needed to sit or even that I had no friends (most of the time at least) It was the fact that no one cared enough for real to help me out of that misery. Even people who claimed to be 'my friend' didn't care if I was going through those torturous moments.

So I learned that I was able to make myself invisible. My superpower, right?! There were times when I would stand in a corner of a cafeteria, lean against a wall and eat my lunch and not one person would say a word to me. I wish I could say this is just a metaphor or an exaggerated example of things that happened but this has happened to me many times, in real life. And it hurt worse every time I went through it.

     If that was just a memory and I was hurt but learned from it, that's cool. But it affected me in a pretty big way. Dissecting what that did to me:

-I learned that there's no sympathy for people like that (like me) and for some time I was actually scared that I might be a sociopath because I developed the ability to just not care, like there was some switch and I found a way to turn it off.

-I learned that I don't matter to people. I heard people talk about how they could never just ignore someone when they have no friends but those were some of the same people who saw me standing there and had absolutely no emotional reaction to seeing someone on the brink of panic attacks or on the verge of giving up and they didn't even flinch. If they can't handle seeing someone in pain and don't have even an inkling of emotion when they see me...they're not the problem, I am.

-I learned to avoid groups all together or to show that I don't want to be in groups.

-I learned to hide from social situations and eventually I learned to hide from situations that hurt me the same way, even when it wasn't as bad as I thought it felt like it to me and it hurt the same as if it was the worst case scenario.

-I learned to shut down when an overwhelming amount of emotional weight hit me the way it did then.

     And these are just a few things that I unintentionally leanred from those seemingly small moments. Those teachings have bled into areas of my life that I am told regularly "You need to just stop." except there's no second part to those commands, the part that explains how to 'just stop' and I'm left learning that I'm not good enough even stronger...like a terrible truth on steroids. HULK SMASH all over me again and again.

A Still, Small, Quiet

     So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my future plans and the oddest thing keeps happening: I've been having an unreasonably hard time dealing with life and stress and pain and emotional abuse from my past that keeps coming back up.

     Now I know what you're thinking (if you either know me or have read anything I've ever written/typed before). You're thinking, "WELL DUH!" in you most sarcastic tone. I'd call you rude if I didn't completely agree but let's get past that and focus on this next part.

I have been watching How I Met Your Mother and decided kinda randomly to look for things Josh Radnor has done. He hasn't done much by way of acting but I found a TED Talks he did and a few interviews he did; the ones I watched were over an hour long and were very interesting. (Stay with me, this isn't a rabbit trail...trust me)

     So he did an interview with someone about meditation, something I have never put any thought into or cared about, and it turned out to be profoundly deep. It's on youtube and I highly recommend searchi9ng for it, but here's something that it imprinted on my mind for the last few days that connects with the direction my life has been going for a while now.

Radnor talked about what people think they need as a whole, most people think they need organization or to free up time or more power. All of those things have been granted to society through technology and that's awesome...except...none of that is what we truly need. We need quiet. We need to calmly listen to the universe and let it guide us.

     He went into much more detail about that, the conversation moved to healing and how we heal by moving on but never ACTUALLY heal. And those two thoughts had a very big impact on me because I thought about my absolute inability to even spend a moment in silence. Even one second without sound of some kind can be torture to me.

My first thought was, "I can't do that because..." and a barrage of reasons I am exempt from even trying to entertain a moment of silence ran through my head like a freight train; each car carrying a heavy excuse.

Some of them were valid like my history of silence consists of some of the most horrible memories and acts of violence or hatred. So every time I hear complete silence, I think of those moments or expect something to happen. So before any silence occurs, I turn on some old sit com (HIMYM much?) or pandora.com.

Some of those reasons were just excuses and didn't even make sense like because silence means I am losing. Losing what, you ask? I DUNNO! Seriously, there's a part of me that tells me I'm a loser somehow if I let myself feel something during silence. Makes zero sense...ze-ro.

     And I could go through a ton more but I'll spare your eyes and brains but the final outcome is that even the true or solid ones aren't right. They're reasons to basically stay where I am, to stay safe and hide my eyes from what needs to be seen...or I guess a better way of saying it is I'm covering a giant gash and letting it fester instead of taking care of it. The worst part is it's not physical so festering can fester SOOO much more without anyone knowing till I attempt suicide or have some outburst or something. Sometimes I get so good at ignoring it, I don't even know it's there...but it is.

So I have a goal for my immediate life:

     I want to find a way to truly accept silence. I want to be able to sit in a room with no sound (physically and emotionally) and be okay. Some people believe in the universe or God or something else; I believe and know God and it's absolutely becoming clear that God wants me to search for a truly soul healing joy. I know I'm being led to find a way to be actually happy and to stop hiding any and all injuries from myself.

     Here's where I get away from the sit com and celebrity part of my thoughts and get to real life applications: I'm considering yoga, meditation or some kind of source of actual dealing with my issues and healing from them. My transition, while slow, has been a huge part of me being honest and adding some things back to my life that I thought I lost for good. That's great and I am excited to see where that takes me in the future but this is an absolute necessary part of any growth as well.

I will face some very very tough times through this and I will need some friends and people to lean on at times; I can't do this alone...but I can do this. I'm also looking for what other people do or have done to soul cleanse or find a way to be okay even in silence.

     If you've experienced any of these thoughts or needs in your life, let me know. I want to hear where you are and learn from you as I hope to some day pass on my knowledge to someone else some day. Because as I live my life, I'm not just an "I" we're all connected and the only thing we can do is help each other.

Some MORE Positivity to Focus on (Monday August 27th 2018)

     So one of the biggest things that has changed due to my transition internally is my introvertistic side has diminished vastly. That is the equivalent of erasing a few years of turning into an introvert by beating myself up in my own head, which can be a game changer in my life.

Past:
     I used to be an outgoing, openly friendly person. I used to be someone who had the potential to be the "life of the party" type of person, with little fear of embarrassment or worry of feeling awkward. When I was very young, I had some normal attributes and one was that I was happy-go-lucky or innocently extroverted...at least at some point for a little while.

     Slowly, my inability to be honest about myself to anyone forced me into my own head and caused some introverted issues. I built barriers between myself and any other humans (my pets and friends' pets knew everything) and with every awkward encounter or every hidden desire to do /be something I wasn't, those barriers got worse and worse. Depression, suicidal thoughts and so much fear started to take over my regular life and kinda quick too; much like a snowball rolling down a hill.

Present:
     I recently did something that took much (for lack of a better word) courage and it surprised even me. I went to my cousin's house and spent a few days with him and his family without being too afraid to be around them.

For the last decade plus, the thought of going somewhere I've never been before and doing something like playing a dancing game in front of people would have made me want to crawl into a hole and die before doing that. But because I've spent a few years now cleaning out the deep dark hidden pain of pretending to be this thing I'm not, I've been able to enjoy things like friends and just having fun.



Future:
     So I have been thinking about where I want to be in the future...and I still don't have a full answer yet. I know I want to be a positive force in this universe a positive force in a greater way than I was in the past. (I'm not completely sure what that means, it's mostly a feeling I have been having lately. I'll explain more when I understand better)

I know I want to identify as female, as Layla Lee Gilmore and eventually get to the point where people don't see me as "a trans person" or as VJ who's trying to convince people he's a chick; my hope is that people see that I am truly able to blossom going in the direction that I'm going now as opposed to where I have been for many many years. I know I want to be a patient person with even those who completely disagree with my choice to transition; I want to be someone who helps bring people together who normally wouldn't give each other a chance. Like a go-between for people who are dead set against the transgender movement and trans people like myself or supporters.

I have no idea what this will look like or where these thoughts will bring me, perhaps I'll work in retail and write blogs/make YouTube videos and only reach a tiny group of people. I don't know but I'm gonna try to figure it out as I go and hopefully I won't screw much up long the way.

     Either way, the future is going to come no matter what and I want to see what it brings.

A Rant and Life Updates (June 13th 2018)

     So I have a few updates and thoughts from the past few days, some good and some not so good. All one hundred percent true and from my heart.

I'll start with the recent public suicides. I first want to say that I hate hearing about anyone taking their own life and I want to find any way and every possible way to stop as many suicides that can be stopped. Whether it's public figures or poor people or from the US or any other country, I want to find more ways to help people who are hurting as much and quick as possible.

Now with that said, I am very upset about something that has nothing to do with the specific people who took their lives recently and absolutely has a lot to do with our society (at least the society seen on social media)

For anyone who would ever read this, there are possibly dozens or more people you know personally who struggle with giving up, who send some small potentially life or death signs out into the world that go unnoticed, but one famous person kills them self and everyone posts status' and tweets like they care...until some other news comes up and makes them forget.

     I'm not blaming anyone for the actions but I am saying that every time we make it a priority to talk about a celebrity but never even offer our friends in our own circle the chance to be that important to us, we perpetuate and keep this societal trend going...and it sucks.

I can tell you from experience that when I'm hurting and considering giving up, when I'm at my worst, it really hurts to hear close friends post multiple long dedicated posts and pictures about how their lives are changed based on the loss of a person they didn't know in a real way but never offer their real friends that same attention.

This is not an attack on any one person or an attempt to hurt anyone's feelings, I want people to think more about how much of an impact they can have on people who they actually have an impact on. Masking someone important even in a little way can be huge to them, it's free and not hard to be a little extra nice randomly.

...OK, with that out of the way, here's my life update.


So I've been taking depression medicine, estrogen, migraine medicine and allergy medicine. Sounds like a ton, right? It is. But here's the crazy thing, they're all working!



For months, I've needed to take Excedrin migraine every single day at some point because I'd feel one coming on; I haven't had to do that in almost a week, maybe more by now. And that's including a few extra stressful days at work too, big tests passed there!

Allergies have been debilitating for me and while I've still barely been outside much lately, I have been affected about 10% as much as the last few years. That's a ton when my eyes have swelled shut multiple times last year alone.

Depression is a different animal but there is still big progress since starting medicine. I have noticed that it's been easier to feel better emotionally, I've still had a few bad thoughts and bad days but not even close to the way it's been all my life before.

And last but definitely not least, the estrogen. I have noticed a very little teeny tiny bit of breast growth. While it's going so far beyond slow I guess I have to look at the positive way: it is working.

     As far as my mental state, I've had a few days where I was ready to give up and in the last month I have considered suicide a few times but the progress is I've been able to talk myself out of those
thoughts by thinking about my future and by the hope that I have in possibilities that are ahead.

I've also got back in touch with a few friends I thought were not willing to even talk to me and that's been a load off my mind. My group of friends mean and meant the world to me so to think about losing them hurts more than just about anything.




     So to finish this update, I want to share my current goals for Wednesday June 13th 2018:
* Thanks to my Awesome Aunt Caren, I'm going to work on some hair removal coming up soon!

* I'm starting to clothes shop (donations much appreciated), mainly skirts for now. I'm going to start wearing skirts to work

* I need to exercise and work on getting my weight down.

* Bible reading and praying needs to be much mor eimportant to me than it has been

* Organizing my room since I just bought a couch last week and I now have actual stuff to organize.

* I'm coloring my hair (today) and I might try to style it somehow

* I have a few writing projects and video projects that I want to work on.  I'm beyond the first step in both so I'm hoping to make progress on them soon.

* I'm trying to find a way to save money for something really big I want to do next year. Can't say what it is yet, don't want to jinx it.

Stress, Stress, Stress

     Stress does NOT feel pretty. I know...OBVIOUS. I'm not trying to bring some deep thought to the forefront of the world. Stress has such a hold on me that I have no idea how to even try to solve that.

When I was younger, the time I was supposed to be learning how to deal with stress and grow mentally and learn what to do in tough situations was spent escaping  a terrible family life and mental abuse to say the least.

Instead of slowly taking on more responsibilities in my teen years, I was watching my close family members self destruct and trying to keep myself out of the line of fire at times. And I also watched my immediate relatives either cut me out of their lives or leave me hanging when I needed them most.

     The good that came from that is I learned a survival instinct that I have since needed and used. The bad thing is I missed out on a good amount of valuable growth in a variety of ways; one specific way affects me every single day and hit me particularly hard today (Saturday May 12th 2018).

Scenario: I was at work and it was busy. Now for most people that's not easy but dealable. For someone who hasn't had much experience learning how to deal with the stress of doing many things at once, it was unbearable. and I failed the day hard. I was on the register and can't even count how many times multiple things were going on at once and I messed up all the things.

From the start of my day, I wasn't ready for anything. My shift leader told me...at EIGHT AM, that the assistant manager wanted to talk to me. For anyone who doesn't have anxiety in their daily life, that is the equivalent of the phrase "We need to talk..." in a relationship.

It's seriously one of the hardest things to hear and go about my day after that. And to make that even worse is my shift lead told me that at 3pm, I needed  to talk to my assistant manager. That means between 8 am and 3pm, I needed to not look like my heart was going to explode from worry about what she wanted to talk to me about.

And to make things even WORSE, at 2:30 I found out my asst manager was gonna be late so I didn't even get to talk to her. I'm still trying to stay calm and I've been out of work for hours now. I have to wait till at least Monday to find out she wants to talk to me about...I may not make it till then. If I have a heart attack, y'all know why. (That's only MOSTLY sarcasm.)

     Okay now that I got that out of my system, I'm going to try to forget about all that for at least a day. On to some more personal thoughts and what's going on in my mind. Warning, this is going to get personal and possibly TMI for some.

Saxon Sharbino is half
 of my spirit animal

Blaire White is the
other half of my spirit animal

One of the most important things to my transition is passing. I know that's superficial or shallow or something but it's true. I want to feel and be pretty, I want to have breasts and a nicer body and be looked at as feminine without looking like a guy in a dress.

And right now, I'm in the not there yet stage which has me impatiently waiting for the hormones I'm taking to do something more than emotionally.

Shmutzies.com

     Other life events: So recently I got in touch with a few family members I haven't seen in a very long time and that was seriously amazing! Two aunts of mine visited me, we went to my favorite diner and then took a walk around a nearby trail park and caught up with each other. My aunt Caren, who makes awesome soap and other great stuff, has been an enormous supporter of my transition and my aunt Beth is such a cool person that I wish I got to know her better years ago. I had a blast with them and am looking forward to being able to say the word family and not having it be a negative thing. 

And a few people have inspired me to try to get a story idea I have had for a long time out of my head and onto paper, so to speak. I'm working on writing a story about a young girl who eavesdrops on some pretty interesting people. I'll share more of that in the future and I'm really excited to work on it. My cousin Ryan, my aunts and a few other close friends have helped inspire me. Thanks.

Last thing:
     Travel is in my future and I could not be more excited for that!! Next year will be a big year for me for a few reasons, I'll be a little bit closer to becoming Layla and will be much mor eopen about that, I'll be seeing some new things and places and working on the book. Get ready.

How To Social

     OH.MY.GOSH. I got a big ol' lesson today in

HOW TO BE BAD AT SOCIALIZING 101

     So here's the story: I have a friend who I haven't seen since my high school days, he was one of the most loyal and real friends I had. As a kid, he could never sit still and as an adult he's exactly the same; he works hard and does what he loves. He's built a great life for himself and I'm super proud of what he has become, knowing where he came from.

With all that said, I am absolutely horrible at being social ESPECIALLY around people I'm not completely comfortable with AM good at being social around people I am comfortable around...oh nonono. I can be just as bad at socializing with great friends as I am with new people or old friends. One thing you can say about me is I'm an equal opportunities antisocial introvert. I'm introverted around ANYONE and EVERYONE.

Back story out of the way, here's the current events:
     I called my old friend (something I'm sure he didn't know was a special act, I HAAAAATE talking on the phone) and asked if he was free; he was. So I went to his house and walked into his back yard, trying to act comfortable somewhere new and uncommon.

He was working on an engine he just bought and had a few friends around, I immediately lost any ability to fake any sense of confidence. I have absolutely nothing to contribute to a conversation when cars are the main topic AND I am absolutely terrible in a new group. The perfect storm for me to become the silent nobody I used to be.

I stood there and tried my hardest to not look like I was the most uncomfortable person in the entire city, trying to think of questions that make me sound like I know anything about cars but after 2 questions I was out of ideas.

I have this habit of going to say something and either being too quiet to be heard or just backing out all together but my hands. mannerisms or gestures don't get that message and I look like I'm doing sign language for an invisible class...not exactly a confidence boost when anyone around sees that and calls me out; I got really lucky and caught myself today but felt really dumb and got even quieter after that.

     So I stood there while my old friend and his friends talked about stuff, just about all of it was stuff I have absolutely nothing I know about or could relate to in any way so I ended up just standing there listening to everyone talk. The only thing that kept me from openly curling up in a ball on the floor was they had 2 dogs I played with as much as they would let me.

After standing there for about a half hour, I tried about 16 times to muster up the courage to say I had  to leave. Finally, my voice came through and everyone was surprised that I made a sound and I said I had to go. Everyone there was very nice but I felt like I was intruding and left as quick as I possibly could. As I was making my way to the train all I could think was, "I DO NOT SOCIAL."

Things like that make me never want to be around humans ever again and the worst part is no one else did anything wrong or  rude or even remotely intimidating; I'm just beyond fragile at anything I don't have full confidence in...great.

     Life update:

-I've been on estradiol for almost 3 months now and I see almost no physical change...bummer. In about 2 weeks I go in for another Dr's appointment and I think I'll be starting testosterone blockers so that should be a game changer. My Dr said that starting estrogen first and then adding testosterone blockers shortly after would develop breast tissue best and benefit me most in my transition, I really really hope so.

-I have had an idea for a book/film for a very long time that I have recently been inspired to retry to create. I've been working on the timeline and figuring out the skeleton of the character's stories; I'm pretty excited to feel motivated to get even some of it from my head to paper. It's fun creating a world and this one is kinda deep.

-I just started a semi diet. I am starting slow by taking out some of the junk food I eat, making a cut off time at night when I can't eat and trying to have smaller portions when I do eat. It's been a week now and I've broken my rules a few times but so far it's been okay. My goal is to lose some of my belly fat.

Today's Events - March 26th 2018

     Today:

I took a bike ride to Center City, Philadelphia to pick up estrodiol and I want to record my thoughts and take away from the day so that some day when I'm fully transitioned and can't remember these times, I can read this and think about how life was.

Let me start by saying, I am lazy and today was a prime example. SO last night my plan was to wake up today (Monday March 26th, 2018) fairly early and get to Center City to pick up my estrodiol. I figured I'd pick it up then maybe ride around for a while and just kinda aimlessly spend the day doing whatever.

And because my plans ALWAYS go perfectly, I woke up at 7am...and felt like crap so I went back to sleep. Then I woke up at 8:30am and felt head achy, so I went back to sleep.

Aaaand at the bright and early time of 1:45pm I decided to get up for the day. I got out of the house about ten minutes later and made the train literally seconds before those guard rails went down. So that was a good break I caught first thing into my day. Then I got to Camden and got off the train, rode my bike to the bridge.

So normally, I get on the bridge and ride across the side where I can see the Camden Riversharks practice...or Rutgers or whoever plays at that baseball field but this time that side was closed for some reason and I had to go on the other side.

     The other side...the other side is a  little scary. It has a metal board looking floor for a bit till you get to solid concrete, which makes me feel like I'm in that Indiana Jones movie where the bridge is falling apart. Oh and did I mention I have a fear of heights? Yeah so I do, sort of.

By sort of I mean that whenever I get high up and can see down, I imagine every possible worst scenario. And because I have a crazy vivid imagination, it's always like super detailed and makes me super nervous. I, of course, thought of what if I hit the rail and flipped over the side or what if that tiny car patrol officer hit me with his little half-car thing and I popped off the bridge...and about 43 other random and crazy scenarios where I end up off the bridge. I have trouble stopping that thought process and tried to just sing and forget about where I was.

     After a terrifying trip across the bridge I got to Market St. and relearned that I HATE just about every GPS app there is. And I try not to use the word hate very much unless it's really deserved...this deserves it. I hate every direction app I've used so far, not one has done well long term without major idiotic issues.

I got rid of the map that my IPhone came with because it was just atrocious from the beginning and tried many map apps, none impressing me. I ended up using google maps  over the other terrible apps and for a while it was better than others at least but recently...over the last maybe 6 months or so it's just been terribler than ever. Yeah, I said terribler. If anyone has a recommendation, please leave a comment because I need a good GPS app.

Okay so I FINALLY fought through the  bad directing and made my way to the Mazzoni Center; for some reason my brain doesn't like to help me remember how to get there even though I've made this same trip like 10 times between December 2017 and now. (Alright, brain...thanks.)

I got my medicine and asked the worker there to send my meds near me and will not have to go there just to get meds from now on. SCORE! And a big thing here wasn't just getting to change the destination of my meds, it was me taking that step of asking.

For some reason, I have trouble asking things like that; speaking up when there's no real reason to fear talking has always been a problem for me. Speaking up today was pretty important to me and a bonus was they're gonna make it easy for me. (insert smile emoji here)

Then I wandered around Center City for a while and made my way back to the bridge, crossed it slower than before because my mind had plenty of time to create more scary imaginative ways to fall off and I got to the riverline.

     Something kinda cool and inspiring happened there.

I got on and was the last person on, so I didn't have a seat; I was standing in between doors holding my bike. Usually, the train stops ONLY when they get to a station but today they decided to quickly stop about 30 seconds after leaving the Camden station.

And I had the fortune of not being ready for that, I fell forward. I wasn't ready and fell hard into a black guy sitting in a seat and he could have been super angry and rude but thankfully he was very polite about it. I apologized profusely and he was more focused on making sure I was okay. I felt bad because my bike hit his knee but he was so cool about it, then another man offered me the seat he had and I sat down insstead of trying to keep my balance every tiem the train jolted.

The man who gave me his seat had a Septa jacket on and I thanked him for the seat, he responded politely then told me he weas suprised the guy I fell on was nice; most people don't care if it's an accident or not, they get really mad in that kinda situation.

He then went on about how peple blame him for every single issue that Septa has, even the most radical or stupid things. He had a genuine attitude toward me and seemed liem one of those people who truly tries to be a nice person in a job where no one thinks about anyone but themselves (I can relate) and he told me a few situations he dealt with today and I told him how I deal with that kinda thing too.

Then, as he was getting off the train, I told him I thank him for doing what he does and he stopped and shook my hand; I really feel like that helped him just to feel a little better even for a moment and that can make life  a tiny bit easier to handle. I know that feeling when humanity gets redeemed just a little tiny bit and what that means to me when it happens, I was really happy to get that chance to make him feel good.

     Sometimes a little thank you or an extra step to be nice can go such a long way for someone. It can be the difference between someone going home and feeling drained or horrible and a person going home thinking, "That was really cool" And that being the thought at the end of a day for someone who gets wrecked by angry customers at their job is a BIG thing to good people.

Early Morning Thinking

     I woke up very early this morning, the exact time I remember is Stupid O'Clock. and I laid in bed remembering my dream. They say you should remain as relaxed as you can and replay your dreams in order to remember them best and so that's my routine when I have a vivid dream.

I dreamt that I took a long long time putting together a book for my friend, I put hours of work into selecting the pictures and arranging them in the best way possible. I took the pictures (because even in my dreams I take the best pictures) and physically made the book, I remembered all the hard work I put into the book and just as my friend opened the package, I was so ready for him to love it.

He opened it and it looked like it was made in 1984, the pictures were all blocky and the lettering for captions were all improperly spaced and the pages were crooked and uneven. I wanted to freak out, cry, throw it at whoever ruined all my hard work but the biggest thing was I remembered feeling so embarrassed. I ended up apologizing to him over and over, he graciously thanked me and I could tell he thought I just did a terrible job but that I tried my hardest; like he thought I wasn't mentally capable of doing any better.

In dream fashion, the next thing I can remember is I was microwaving something and it suddenly started smoking. I opened the microwave door and found that someone put a metal pan in there with my food, either I didn't see that when I put my food in there or someone put it in there and turned it back on. I was trying to avoid a fire alarm going off from the smoke and kept blowing till there was no more smoke.

     After replaying those dreams, I sat up and did that thing where I let my thoughts kinda run free, I went from one completely random and weird thought go to another that may be unrelated. To keep this diary entry shorter than a novel, I'll cut out the many completely crazy and random thoughts I went through and skip right to the most impactful one.

One of my best friends asked me while she was doing my makeup for my first time ever if I'm sure I want to go through with being a girl. She's been the most supportive friend from the moment I told her and wasn't questioning what I'm going through or anything like that; she was asking because being a 'guy' is SO MUCH EASIER than being a girl.

That conversation kinda replayed in my head and I thought about something that is kinda scaring me now in life;
     I have been living this weird situation for so long, I've felt and understood things as a female but was trapped by a masculine mask (say THAT ten times fast) and have been trying to escape that for so long that I learned a ton of ways to survive as a male. I learned how to do things like talk  and get ready for anything in 5 minutes and walk and act like a 'guy'

I did all those things even while hating a lot of them and then I opened up about being trans and FINALLY was able to begin acting the way I want to. I'm now slowly letting more and more of the things I actually like out...and I don't know how to be the girl I always felt inside.

I'm noticing that I don't know how to be a girl and walk and talk and do little things (although I do have many feminine mannerisms so it's not like absolutely nothing but there are a lot of things)

     I wish I could just be a 'guy' and happily live that way, it would be seriously so much easier and cheaper but I can't ignore all that I feel and know about myself. I want so badly to be good at being Layla rather than go back to being HORRIBLE at being VJ.

I told another friend that I've never been a 'guy' or 'one of the guys' even though I've been a male all my life. I'm done with that and while I'm scared about not being good at being Layla, I'm so much happier being a beginner Layla than trying to be okay as VJ.

A Mature Update on the Life of Layla Lee

     I'm putting this disclaimer out there up here at the top of this diary entry so you know:
THIS ENTRY WILL BE DEALING WITH VERY PERSONAL/MATURE NATURE AND MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR EVERYONE

     Ok, now that I got that out of the way, I'm updating about my transition and some of it gets very personal.

Alright so I have been on estrodiol for exactly one month and a day. "It's been one month since I started hrt, gotta admit it hasn't always been easy..." <--- if you sang this to the Barenaked Ladies song, we can be friends.

     Well, I have been slowly getting more and more impatient. I was hoping to see a change in my body after...oh say...two days; then by three weeks I expected to see radical hair growth in the exact places I need to look more feminine and less masculine. Then I expected to be able to comfortably pass as a natural born female in public by, like...a month and a day.

Okay, that's a slight exaggeration  but I did expect to see some physical changes sooner than I did and I was hoping to feel different, at least a little. It's been a month and a day and I did just recently notice breast growth but so little that only I notice it. I was at the gym on the tread mill and I felt a bounce in my step, so to speak. I found it very funny at the moment and looked around like, 'I wonder if I look crazy. I look like a typical male and I'm staring at my chest as if I was a natural woman who's boob just popped out."

The other thing that has been happening internally is a bit more personal. Alright, I made like three disclaimers so if you don't want to hear what's next that's on you. I have been a very sexual person from a pretty young age, I learned about masturbating at about 11 and like most boys that became a thing for me. Then when I was 16 I had sex for the first time and THAT became the thing I wanted to do as much as I could.

Especially in the last few years, I've been like on over drive in my thoughts and desires to engage in those acts and it's been very tough to not be in a relationship while I'm in such a charged mood so often. Well since starting estrogen, it has been so relaxing to not feel that constant need to deal with that.

For the record, I think it's hilarious when women talk about how their boyfriends or husbands say they get sick if they don't release somehow; it's not exactly true, males don't get ill from abstinence...but... I can say from experience, it becomes very very difficult to keep calm when you go days or weeks without releasing and then the inevitable happens. Someone or something aroused me and I could barely contain my excitement...I tried to be as discreet and non-crass as I could. What can I say, it's hard to navigate...

Alright, no more of that, I promise. But anyway, it's been a lot easier to relax and let the estrogen combat my testosterone. I have an appointment in April and as long as nothing goes wrong (fingers crossed) I'll then start T blockers. My Dr. said that starting estrogen first and then Testosterone blockers a little bit later will help my breast growth in the long run so I'm excited for that.

     I've been praying a lot more and really trying to let God into my world i a way I've never let Him in before. Now that I'm getting help in an area that I hated myself everyday for and that's another area in my life that my transition has had a very positive effect on, which I am excited daily to let go of. I'm nowhere near done or even okay but these things are slowly giving me more and more of a positive outlook.

It feels good to not hate my own life every waking minute. That's new to me and I think I like it.

     One last thing that's been on my mind:
I've been dreaming fully female for a while now; in every dream I am a female, the female I have always seen myself as in secret. Well I'm now having regular dreams that I'll wake up and realize I look so much more feminine than when I went to sleep. It's always a very calm and examinitory kind of dream, I'll look in a mirror and stare at my eyes and face and see that I look so much more feminine. Then I'll slowly examine new lines and new features all ove rmy body and just take in my new life, always smiling as I accept myself and smile as I finish getting ready. That's pretty interesting.

February 2018 Updates and Thoughts from Layla Lee

     One week. It's been one week so far on hormones and I feel no different than I did seven days ago. Should I?
-Don't I need to?
-Is something wrong with me for not feeling anything?
-Aren't I supposed to feel different?

     I know the answers but these are a few questions running through my head about every 23 seconds all week. I'm not overly upset or emotional or even anxious, I oddly feel calm and not as stressed as I thought I would feel and that's kinda nice since the last like 2 years have been like going expecting to go into a kittens bedroom and entering to find out it's a starving  giant poisonous snake's lair.

Each morning I've woken up and excitedly taken my pill and looked at my face or body and thought, 

"Okay...you can magically completely 

change now...no? Oh...okay...on to work." 

then I have been doing my best to forget about that and go about my day. And of course every day this week has brought insane amounts of stress for one reason or another and that's not even close to stopping anytime soon. 

     I'd like to focus on some of the things that went on in my head this week and what's new or not new in my psyche.

One great thing is I have not had a single suicidal thought or fantasy this week. I hate when I walk by
a train or see something that could end my life and picture in my head how it would play out, it's something I can't control in a way and something that can hurt or can be ignored depending on how I'm feeling at the time.

There are times when I will imagine something and it's just a passing thought, it could be anything from sexual to suicidal to silly and those kinda pass by and are forgotten about in a minute if I don't focus on them. (By the way, I don't see things or hear things or have any schizophrenic problems here, I'm just talking about
random thoughts) Then there are the thoughts that seem to kinda try to entice me, again not schizophrenic but definitely strong thoughts that try to convince me of something.


As a society, we often think things like, "you're not good enough." or something negative and it seems to be trying to convince us to give up whatever we're doing or to fail in some way. The good thing is I have not had even one of the attempted influential imaginations all week, before this week I was in a very low place and continually thought like what would happen if  fell onto train tracks or had some accident that left me dead.

     Another thing that this week has brought was some openness in my transition. First, I talked to my boss and told her I'm ready to use my new name and start living as Layla and asked for a new name tag. That was scary and I wasn't sure how to start the conversation but my boss was more than understanding and told me I'll get a new one soon. She also made it clear that while this is kinda new to her and probably the store as a whole, we're gonna handle the situation with care and patience.

     And the second thing was I posted this blog on my original facebook account and made it public to everyone there. Everyone. As one of my best friends put it, "There's no turning back now." I'm a little nervous about putting some friends in an uncomfortable place but I'm also really excited to take my masks off and embrace my vulnerable open self. Very few people now can say I'm lying or I'm fake or anything like that. That's something that will be a weakness for a little while because it's not comfortable bearing one's soul at first but in time, I know this is going to be a strength. 

Lastly, I want to say I've seen great friendships become greater this past seven days and I thank Gd for that. I've been praying more and more and really trying to work on adding faith to my vocabulary. I thank God for you all.