A Rant and Life Updates (June 13th 2018)

     So I have a few updates and thoughts from the past few days, some good and some not so good. All one hundred percent true and from my heart.

I'll start with the recent public suicides. I first want to say that I hate hearing about anyone taking their own life and I want to find any way and every possible way to stop as many suicides that can be stopped. Whether it's public figures or poor people or from the US or any other country, I want to find more ways to help people who are hurting as much and quick as possible.

Now with that said, I am very upset about something that has nothing to do with the specific people who took their lives recently and absolutely has a lot to do with our society (at least the society seen on social media)

For anyone who would ever read this, there are possibly dozens or more people you know personally who struggle with giving up, who send some small potentially life or death signs out into the world that go unnoticed, but one famous person kills them self and everyone posts status' and tweets like they care...until some other news comes up and makes them forget.

     I'm not blaming anyone for the actions but I am saying that every time we make it a priority to talk about a celebrity but never even offer our friends in our own circle the chance to be that important to us, we perpetuate and keep this societal trend going...and it sucks.

I can tell you from experience that when I'm hurting and considering giving up, when I'm at my worst, it really hurts to hear close friends post multiple long dedicated posts and pictures about how their lives are changed based on the loss of a person they didn't know in a real way but never offer their real friends that same attention.

This is not an attack on any one person or an attempt to hurt anyone's feelings, I want people to think more about how much of an impact they can have on people who they actually have an impact on. Masking someone important even in a little way can be huge to them, it's free and not hard to be a little extra nice randomly.

...OK, with that out of the way, here's my life update.


So I've been taking depression medicine, estrogen, migraine medicine and allergy medicine. Sounds like a ton, right? It is. But here's the crazy thing, they're all working!



For months, I've needed to take Excedrin migraine every single day at some point because I'd feel one coming on; I haven't had to do that in almost a week, maybe more by now. And that's including a few extra stressful days at work too, big tests passed there!

Allergies have been debilitating for me and while I've still barely been outside much lately, I have been affected about 10% as much as the last few years. That's a ton when my eyes have swelled shut multiple times last year alone.

Depression is a different animal but there is still big progress since starting medicine. I have noticed that it's been easier to feel better emotionally, I've still had a few bad thoughts and bad days but not even close to the way it's been all my life before.

And last but definitely not least, the estrogen. I have noticed a very little teeny tiny bit of breast growth. While it's going so far beyond slow I guess I have to look at the positive way: it is working.

     As far as my mental state, I've had a few days where I was ready to give up and in the last month I have considered suicide a few times but the progress is I've been able to talk myself out of those
thoughts by thinking about my future and by the hope that I have in possibilities that are ahead.

I've also got back in touch with a few friends I thought were not willing to even talk to me and that's been a load off my mind. My group of friends mean and meant the world to me so to think about losing them hurts more than just about anything.




     So to finish this update, I want to share my current goals for Wednesday June 13th 2018:
* Thanks to my Awesome Aunt Caren, I'm going to work on some hair removal coming up soon!

* I'm starting to clothes shop (donations much appreciated), mainly skirts for now. I'm going to start wearing skirts to work

* I need to exercise and work on getting my weight down.

* Bible reading and praying needs to be much mor eimportant to me than it has been

* Organizing my room since I just bought a couch last week and I now have actual stuff to organize.

* I'm coloring my hair (today) and I might try to style it somehow

* I have a few writing projects and video projects that I want to work on.  I'm beyond the first step in both so I'm hoping to make progress on them soon.

* I'm trying to find a way to save money for something really big I want to do next year. Can't say what it is yet, don't want to jinx it.

Some Thoughts and Questions I have (April 17 2018)

     Today sure is kicking my butt so far. Being 8 I'm the morning when I'm starting this should explain the feeling behind that statement. Stupid stuff happened already but those physically annoying things aren't what has me as angry and life interrupted as some things that are on my mind. 

Spiritually:

I have been putting much thought into the morals of God and where He wants me to be with my own morals. There are so many intangibles in my life that aren't clear black and white/right or wrong that I need to learn for myself when I should be more liberal and open minded or more hardlined. Cursing, drug use and transgenderism are all major topics I am trying to learn the morals about that are not as clear as I once thought.

Cursing: 

Cursing is an interesting one because society has these specific words right now that represent unChristian like behavior. I don't say that about people who don't believe so much but if anyone sees a Christian and then later hears them curse, the first thought is "I thought they were Christian." 

The Bible does talk about being above reproach, which makes sense, but my question comes when talking about cursing in a non hateful or threatening way. Does God care if I use those specific societal words to express how bad my day is or how big something is or how great some sports game was? 

Like if I said, "Did you see that pass?! It was f***ing epic!" about my favorite hockey player; is that considered cursing in God's opinion? Or does He care more about speaking like: "That guy? He's stupid garbage!" Is that what God considered cursing? Or both? 

Daniel Tosh has a joke where he gets to heaven and Peter gets him and says, "Welcome to f***ing heaven." While I don't think it'll be like that exactly, I do wonder if God is ashamed when a person judges someone else because they have trouble not cursing in some scenarios. 

Drug use:

     Drugs are another very big topic to me, not because I'll ever truly consider using recreational drugs so much but because I do not want to blindly be against or for something without knowing if it's actually good or bad. It's easy to be against most of the hard drugs, there are a lot of  polls and studies that show how dangerous cocaine is but the same cannot be said for marijuana. Does God care if a person uses cannabis oils? And if that's okay by God, is smoking pot okay in any form or amount? 

Again, I'm not saying you should do any of this but I am asking the questions for the sake of knowledge. I have learned that no one side of anything tells both sides of any topic. So I am asking both sides of these topics and I generally try to look at what each side says about the pros and cons. 

Them there's one of my favorite toys to both have a larger understanding of and seemingly know nothing about at the same time.

Transgenderism:

     I do not like straw man arguments but sometimes a strategy makes a good point so I'm going to try to use a strategy without making up a fake argument just to "win" it. 

I have a few questions for those who don't believe trans people are right or exist. One is can a person change their gender? 

If yes: problem solved and we're done here. (I know none of the people I'm referring to would say yes)

If no: if I cannot actually change my gender, then what I'm doing is cosmetic surgery or taking medicine to change my body to help me feel better and as an adult who has been dealing with this issue my whole life and as someone who is NOT doing this for any sexual purpose, I have trouble understanding why people would cut me out of their lives over it. I know the Bible doesn't directly oppose someone being trans and as far as I've studied (which I'm willing to change my opinion of I'm shown convincing evidence) the Bible does not make it clear that transitioning is a sin. 

If transitioning is nothing more than a cosmetic thing and cosmetic changes are the issue for some people, why are trans people so wrong but people getting nose and boob jobs aren't treated with the same fervor? 

And if it's about identifying as the opposite sex, I need much clarification. Should I just ignore my thoughts at all times, never ever "be myself" or "love myself" and hide behind anyone else's ideas of who I am for the rest of my miserable life? To those who I'm talking to, what reason do I have to continue living that life? It's so easy to tell someone else what they're doing wrong and how they're not right but to help them through problems or to give them other reasonable solutions...now that's not quite so easy.

     I know that for each of my thoughts/questions, there are other sides that I am not addressing here. Believe me, I have and will discuss more of each issue, question and consideration in the future.

Just some things I've been thinking about but I don't want to 

make this diary entry TOO long. Thanks for reading.