Some Thoughts and Questions I have (April 17 2018)

     Today sure is kicking my butt so far. Being 8 I'm the morning when I'm starting this should explain the feeling behind that statement. Stupid stuff happened already but those physically annoying things aren't what has me as angry and life interrupted as some things that are on my mind. 

Spiritually:

I have been putting much thought into the morals of God and where He wants me to be with my own morals. There are so many intangibles in my life that aren't clear black and white/right or wrong that I need to learn for myself when I should be more liberal and open minded or more hardlined. Cursing, drug use and transgenderism are all major topics I am trying to learn the morals about that are not as clear as I once thought.

Cursing: 

Cursing is an interesting one because society has these specific words right now that represent unChristian like behavior. I don't say that about people who don't believe so much but if anyone sees a Christian and then later hears them curse, the first thought is "I thought they were Christian." 

The Bible does talk about being above reproach, which makes sense, but my question comes when talking about cursing in a non hateful or threatening way. Does God care if I use those specific societal words to express how bad my day is or how big something is or how great some sports game was? 

Like if I said, "Did you see that pass?! It was f***ing epic!" about my favorite hockey player; is that considered cursing in God's opinion? Or does He care more about speaking like: "That guy? He's stupid garbage!" Is that what God considered cursing? Or both? 

Daniel Tosh has a joke where he gets to heaven and Peter gets him and says, "Welcome to f***ing heaven." While I don't think it'll be like that exactly, I do wonder if God is ashamed when a person judges someone else because they have trouble not cursing in some scenarios. 

Drug use:

     Drugs are another very big topic to me, not because I'll ever truly consider using recreational drugs so much but because I do not want to blindly be against or for something without knowing if it's actually good or bad. It's easy to be against most of the hard drugs, there are a lot of  polls and studies that show how dangerous cocaine is but the same cannot be said for marijuana. Does God care if a person uses cannabis oils? And if that's okay by God, is smoking pot okay in any form or amount? 

Again, I'm not saying you should do any of this but I am asking the questions for the sake of knowledge. I have learned that no one side of anything tells both sides of any topic. So I am asking both sides of these topics and I generally try to look at what each side says about the pros and cons. 

Them there's one of my favorite toys to both have a larger understanding of and seemingly know nothing about at the same time.

Transgenderism:

     I do not like straw man arguments but sometimes a strategy makes a good point so I'm going to try to use a strategy without making up a fake argument just to "win" it. 

I have a few questions for those who don't believe trans people are right or exist. One is can a person change their gender? 

If yes: problem solved and we're done here. (I know none of the people I'm referring to would say yes)

If no: if I cannot actually change my gender, then what I'm doing is cosmetic surgery or taking medicine to change my body to help me feel better and as an adult who has been dealing with this issue my whole life and as someone who is NOT doing this for any sexual purpose, I have trouble understanding why people would cut me out of their lives over it. I know the Bible doesn't directly oppose someone being trans and as far as I've studied (which I'm willing to change my opinion of I'm shown convincing evidence) the Bible does not make it clear that transitioning is a sin. 

If transitioning is nothing more than a cosmetic thing and cosmetic changes are the issue for some people, why are trans people so wrong but people getting nose and boob jobs aren't treated with the same fervor? 

And if it's about identifying as the opposite sex, I need much clarification. Should I just ignore my thoughts at all times, never ever "be myself" or "love myself" and hide behind anyone else's ideas of who I am for the rest of my miserable life? To those who I'm talking to, what reason do I have to continue living that life? It's so easy to tell someone else what they're doing wrong and how they're not right but to help them through problems or to give them other reasonable solutions...now that's not quite so easy.

     I know that for each of my thoughts/questions, there are other sides that I am not addressing here. Believe me, I have and will discuss more of each issue, question and consideration in the future.

Just some things I've been thinking about but I don't want to 

make this diary entry TOO long. Thanks for reading.

2017 Year in Review

     So, it's 2018. It feels like a few minutes ago it was 2003 and a day before that it was 1997. I remember when we were all scared of Y2K, it was gonna destroy everything as we knew it...umm...oops.

Ok so I want to review the past 365 days and lay out my plans for this year.

Pros:

     In 2017, I opened up to a lot of people and felt a weight lifted off me in so many ways. It's been interesting teloling people the truth about me and seeing how many people are willing to at least hear my side of this and deal with it with me.

And the friends who are supportive have been beyond amazing, heliing me with little things and just lending an ear or eyes for the ones I text regularly.

Another pro from 2017 is the new experiences I endeavored. I've been to the New Jersey Devils arena twice this year, walked across a few bridges and even rode my bike across the Walt Whitman Bridge twice.

I've also been trying to take the initiative in daily life and learn when to speak up and when to let things go...I'm trying at least, not exactly great at that. I'm working on making me a better, happier person and respecting others while doing it.

I invested a little bit in crypto-currency and I'm enjoying learning how it all works and learning how to make educated guesses with my money.

Cons: 
     This year has been a very trying year in terms of  me fighting through stumbling blocks, specifically for my transition. In early 2017, my road to becoming Layla seemed easy enough.

Things were coming together kinda quickly and without much in the way: I got into a clinic in December of 2016 and have been there for a few appointments in 2017, things seemed to be going smoothly...until about mid 2017.

They did an EKG and something was off just by enough for my Dr there to be cautious and want me to see a cardiologist. At the time, I didn't have health insurance so I couldn't do that. It became SO hard to even get up in the morning. In December of 2017, I got a second EKG and things were better but still not good enough. The thought of not being able to transition is unbearable and that's what I've been thinking for months.

Depression has been strong for most of the year too. I did miss out on a few oppurtunities because depression got to me. Suicide has been more of a thought in the last 3 or 4 months than it has in a while.

     Plans for the future:

I want to focus on 3 things this year and really invest in these.

1. feminization. With my tax money, I am buying a laser hair removal machine and I am determined to learn as mucvh as I can about makeup. Weight loss is going to be a prority too; I want to do all I can to put myself ahead of my chrosomes. I also want to become more educated in transgendersim and even find ways to give back to that community in some way.

2. I want to travel and challenge myself t0o try new things. Whether it's a food I've never tried before or go somewhere I haven't been. See movies I haven't seen before and challenge myself in daily life in small ways.

3. Investing. I bought a very little bit of botcoin, litecoin and ethereum and I want to dive into stocks in 2018. My goal is to learn about trading, investing in real stocks and crypto-currency in the first half of the year and invest shortly after that. I think this is about the smartest way to make money on the side in this day and age and I need to take full advantage of this chance now.





This is as close as I'll get to a resolution, enjoy.