Loneliness sets in quick like rushing waters and pain covers my organs like fire. I feel numb, I physically hurt. Rational thoughts seem a thousand miles away for split seconds and when they come back, they only fuel my rage, anger and hurt. I try to fight off that by stating the positives, things can get better, the grass can get greener tomorrow or next week or next year...can is the key word, can also leads to may not. Thoughts spin around my head, thoughts like "everyone will be better off in the end. They'll hurt for a little while but move on and grow stronger from my death." and "How long do I have to live for others before I can die for myself?" and many others similar to these run around with no constraints in my mind, filling my heart with emptiness and fear of living.
A fear of living...that's almost funny to me, I have always feared death. I feared doing something that would lead to my death most of my life, to the poit that it stopped me from doing a lot of things when I was younger. Now I have the 'back of my mind' thought that living is scary and living for a long time is terrifying. These thoughts lead to remembering people who have killed themselves that have taken a piece of me with them, I have such trouble fighting off these feelings or thoughts.
My Uncle Mike, I still can't believe this is real, that he's not a call away right now, that I'm never going to talk to him again, that I'll never hear him laugh again. This is the closest man I've ever had to a father ever and he's gone...and he did it to himself. He knew what he was doing...I keep reenacting his last days in my mind, imagining what may have been going through his head and what the actual last straw was that made him decide to take his own life.
It affects every second of every day in a way, I constantly think about calling him or where he'd be right now if he was around still. I can't truly see the positive in this, nothing is better fro his loss and I am truly messed up i a way I may never be fixed from. The more I try to be angry, the more I just feel desperately lonely and...just hurt. I often randomly think, "How am I dealing with this? How can I deal?" I don't know...I don't know.
What if...two words that have been the bane of my existence, literally. There has been no other single thing that has affected e as negatively as this phrase. I constantly think "what if I didn't do that?" "what if I did that?" "what if she did this or that?" the list goes on longer that I like to think about.
There are prominent "what if's" that have hovered over my head, things that have been in the back of my mind at all ties sine they happened and have affected every move I make in my life, I don't know how to deal with them even still. My attempt is to identify them and pick them apart to see the truest form of truth in them. I hope that wrapping my head around the truth and learning what these "what if's" really are will help me to move past them.
