Memorials and Conspiracies

     I want to take this time to talk about an American tragedy that is on my mind a lot. Yesterday was September 11th 2017 and of course is the anniversary of the 9/11 plane crashes in 2001 (as if I needed to clarify, I know) There are two sides to this event that I think about and consider a lot.

     The first part of this that is in my conscious thoughts regularly is the tragic and enormous amount of lives lost that day. I think constantly about the people who were on the surrounding floors and what they must have thought as things kept getting worse and worse by the second and the people who must have tried to call loved ones. It makes me think about what each decision could mean for me or someone around me, It also makes me think about how quick things could go from okay to not great to horrible to over.

I've always had death or fragility in my mind, even as a kid and that has made me feel kinda like Haley Joel Osment from 6th Sense. I wasn't a constant buzz kill but I can remember random times throughout my young life when I kinda took in the moment and thought, "This could be over in a moment if that car accidentally ran off the road and hit me and my friends right now." We went on a trip to Penn's Landing when I was in...I think 3rd grade and I gave a homeless guy 3 dollars. My thought was if things went down really bad that day at least he'll remember getting 3 dollars from someone. So 9/11 solidified that thought and made it so much more real to all of our lives. My generation made fun of the 50's when they had drills in case a bomb hit yet here we are in 2017, my store manager had to give instructions in case a shooter came in to the store. There are definite negative sides to thinking that way and I'm sure I'll go into that another time but for now I'm focusing on the more positive ways I was affected by 9/11

     And now for the other thing that haunts, entertains, intrigues (in a horrible way) and terrifies me. The 9/11 story we saw live, the dreaded thing that we never imagined could happen was NOT exacted as we were told. I know, I know...every kook and crazy talks about this and they all have crazy theories about why or how it really went down. There are way too many things left unanswered on purpose to just accept what was said through the media and our government.

     You've probably heard all the different theories and rumors and ideas of what was true and what was false if you have put any thought into this issue so I don't want to waste your attention with that but I do want to say that while I cannot say exactly what DID happen, I know for a fact that what NIST (National Institute of Science and Technology) tries to hide is that they knew more than what was ever revealed and I do not have the ability to stick my head in the sand and pretend things like Tower 7 was a logical reaction to buildings near it getting hit by planes.

     I am not going to say that our government definitely perpetrated everything and killed our own people, I could absolutely believe that we as a country were not fully on alert when things were going on in front of some of us, leading to certain people doing things like setting bombs in the buildings and making it seem like they were doing other things.

At that time, I believe most of us didn't think this country could actually be attacked on a large scale. We were unsinkable in our minds and I could see even politicians feeling that way even after finding out there was a possible attack coming. And like the Titanic, we learned how the mighty could sink.
I'm also not ruling out the possibility that our government had some part in the events either. It's plausible that they knew in advance and could have stopped it in some way and the things we were told weren't entirely true.
     I've watched countless documentaries and read so many articles on this topic both for and against the conspiracies, so far the for the conspiracy theory videos are much more convincing.

Thank you for reading.

I have absolutely no idea what to do

.    So my life right now is a mess: I have so much anxiety issues that seem to be adding more and more problems each day, I don't work enough to sustain a human life, my stress level is way too high even before much happens and I quickly get to a point where I'm not able to handle even normal things, I have gender dysphoria, every day my confidence goes down and the little failures hurt more and more, I'm growing bitter in ways in can't seem to stop, I have literally the worst luck with anything that involves luck of any kind, bad things just happen to follow me around no matter what I do, I'm loved by friends and very cared about but I often feel I have no one in my corner in the way that most people in my life don't even know what it's like to not have and I think about death and suicide much more than I ever should.


     Anxiety and stress.

So I wake in the morning and if there is absolutely nothing going on and I have nothing to worry about, I'm fine and there's no stress. The problem is I don't recall ever having a day like that, ever. Going to work is stressful in itself and even on a really slow day, my stress levels are at a breaking point. Then a second day in a row multiplies that plus whatever things that don't work out our get stressful that day and buy the end I feel like I barely make it. Then a third day in a row of working or doing anything stressful literally leaves me shaking and unable to think straight enough to make normal decisions or follow through with everyday functionary actions. I sometimes feel like crying over things like having long lines as a cashier or dropping things 3 or 4 times in a row. And that's when I start just messing up everything I touch, as if I turn into a giant clutz.


     Luck of the draw.
If it can go wrong, it will and not only does it go wrong but it will humiliate me in the worst way possible. And it's not just a thing here or there, any time I do anything that involves luck in any way I have to prepare to either get ahead of it or expect to get whatever I want to not get. Like if I only work one day in a week, but I need it to not be a Wednesday can you guess which day I'll be scheduled? Some things I can get ahead of like that, I can request off that day. But if I leave it up to chance, 10 out of 10 times it will be whatever I don't want it to be. And then there's things like card games... If I'm playing settlers if caftan, I can count on having absolutely none of the one item I need at the end of the game. I usually start strong and just hit an embarrassing block that I can never get past. These are just a few examples, another would be getting my state ID. I went 6 times before I was able to get it. 6 times. It was insane, they found rains why things I Christy didn't fit the requirements even though I brought exactly what they told me to bring. It gets maddening when everything and anything gets stopped all the time.


     Then... The worst part of me, the thing that embarrassed me and hurts all the time. Love.

I was born into a "family" of strangers, people all thrown together who regularly found themselves at each other's throats or leaving someone high and dry without care for anyone but themselves. I do not mean all of my "family" out in fact most of them when they're sober, the fact if the matter is that most of the people related to me are drunks or drug addicts or have been at one time.

The influence is strong with those ones. My biological father (who I hope reads this some day and realized just how terrible a person he is and how much he hurt at least me) was at absolute best a scumbag from the darkest depths is selfish garbage. That is me being way being nice, I try not to curse as a regular form of expression and that human doesn't deserve me breaking that personal rule.

As for my mom and her side, I've always had a huge intangible space between me and almost all of them, I don't blame most of them for things not done perfectly or even done wrong. I honestly believe my mom and her brothers and parents never or rarely did things out of hate. They weren't saints but deep down they cared about each other for the most part.

With the good stuff said, I felt very separate from everyone related by blood to me (with the exception of my Uncle Ron, Uncle George, Uncle Mike and my cousin Ryan) and I don't recall a time where I felt like we loved each other, which left me starved for love and affection.

     And with the most subtle of transitions to another post if this topic, that brings me to romance. Ah the language of love, eh?

I've had some awesome moments, like when I took a girl's hand and we danced outside a fancy restaurant while people were talking about how sweet we looked. Sounds amazing... And it was a great moment, well it would have been better with someone who deserved it. I say this not as a bitter ex or in a malicious way, but as someone who can recognize the truth about someone that I used to have tinted glasses toward...she was an idiot. There have been a few other notable moments with other not worth mentioning idiots, cheaters and psycho, but very few girls that were genuinely with any attention.

Overall I've been very sad about the lack of returned affection in that area with one caveat, I have come out transgender within the last 2 years and that could be why nothing has ever worked out. I wasn't meant to be with any of the girls I dated because my destiny could be to become a woman who can do a little too help others in the same situation. (I completely understand that I can't become a true female, so you can hold any comments about that. I get it and don't have delusional thoughts that I can. It's just easier to say it than to constantly say 'i can become the closest facsimile to that of what I see myself as in my broken mind).

If that were to work out like I hope it does, I can in the future be accepted as Layla and live my life encouraging the people around me without feeling like I'm faking or lying about who I am at all times. I honestly believe that after going through transitioning and accepting that life and leaving romance behind, I can accept that the love that I'll receive is the love from friends and will only be platonic. I actually realized while typing this why transitioning is so important to me: I hate who I am and I hate that I'm not loved romantically but I am loved very deeply by friends. If I could find a way to love myself then u can accept that love of friends for what it is as opposed to now where I feel like it's a weak consolation prize. No offense to any of those friends, I love them all back very very much. (If you're in this group, I'm pretty sure you know)

     So here I am...A mess, trying to fix as much as I can while I feel like I'm on a  quickly sinking ship. I'm afraid of failing, I'm afraid of succeeding and I'm afraid to be in the middle of those options.  So pray for me if you pay, send happy thoughts if that's what you do, donate time money or luck if you have any to spare and inspire others in my honor if you can.

Thanks for reading.

This is where I live

     I try very hard to fight through the negativity in my life, I try to smile my way past those everyday things that happen and I try to remember my goal in life (make other people's life better, event if it's one person at a time in even very small ways) and it honestly seems like every time I take a step in that direction, something happens that COMPLETELY destroys anything I've put together. Completely. Sometimes it's my fault like I make a bad choice and just make things in my life worse and the rest of the time it's like I just get a bad hand in life and I lose.

     I fully acknowledge that I make wing choices and do things that lead to failure. I take responsibility for things that I do that result in my life's non success, not just failure because failure refers to losing our logically bad or wrong things. I have been taught by a lot of people throughout my life that it is cowardly to not take responsibility for my mistakes, sins and won't choices. I also know that sometimes wrong choices aren't "sins" but rather just the not right thing in that moment, like if o choose to either l write something in pen and make a writing error. I made the wing choices in not using a pencil but I didn't do something bad, I just could have made a better decision.

     Then there are luck based situations, for lack of better words, that I just lose with most of the time. Things like: I go to the train station early and the machine that dispenses tickets didn't accept dimes and then the train comes early. I know that everyone faces these situations, but I have this weird curse where logic plays weird games with me more than normal. I have things happen like I'll pull on a paper towel and logic tells me the pretreated line will be where it rips... For normal people; my curse causes it to rip in such an odd way like it'll rip right around where I'm holding it.
   
This is a silly example but imagine every time you ever rip a paper towel, it rips in the worst way possible, how maddening that can get over time. That's where I live. Now imagine this weird logic happening with a lot of areas in life, like every time you hang a picture on your wall something catches the nail to make it uneven, no matter how many times you re adjust it. That's where I live.

These things wouldn't be so bad if there was something big that made hassles worth the trouble but I don't have much of anything to hinge my troubles on; I don't have a girlfriend/wife/prospect of a love interest, no kids, no career that makes it all worth it, no passion that I can't afford and nothing I'm looking forward to really. Knowing there's nothing that I come"home" to makes all these weird things feel ski much more...aimed...yeah aimed sounds like the best word, these things feel aimed at me.

     In fact, the only thing that I even have to look forward to is the thing that is going to alienate me from an amount of close friends...I have no way to end this because at the moment I'm at a loss for words. So I'm asking for prayers and hoping there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope things stop getting worse at some point

     Hope you have a great day.

The Good and The Not So Good

     How's your day, you ask? How's life, you question? What's going on, you...inquisite? I know that's not a word but you asked, you shouldn't make up words.

     Ok so I will answer your questions. So here it goes: Good, good.
Well that's what I say when I don't want to say that things aren't great or tell someone my actual goings on. The truth is things are tough. I've been dealing with a lot and most of them are things that aren't going away or things that can't be wished away by saying, "I'm here for you. You got this." In fact, most of the things I'm going through, I need either a massive amount of money or people to be actually around for semi long times.

     I'm not saying that encouraging statements are wrong or that I don't appreciate them when people who can't do more or don't know what to do say them. Please don't take that for me saying I don't appreciate the thought. But the honest truth is that I'm struggling. Usually I'm struggling with internal stuff like figuring out my gender identity issues or dealing with the fact that I have such bad luck that EVERYTHING that could go the opposite of my way does. Ev. Ry. Time.

     These are usually what I am thinking about or dealing with when you ask me what's up so you now know when I say I'm good that really, I'm not exactly good. BUT...

     But there is another side, a side that I sometimes don't acknowledge because my identity gets lost in misery sometimes. I look at myself as the sad or unfortunate one, kinda lie the Toby Flenderson version of Neo. (I know you like my photoshop skillz)

   Hahaha, anyway back to my point: I do have some good things that I think about and that I have in my life:

First thing that I cannot express how great it is would be my friends. My friends are my family, I'm not going to name everyone because I would leave people out by accident but you know who you are. I have lots of people who mean lots to me, these are people who have saved my life and continue to be a support system when I need it. They also on occasion use my services whether it's babysitting or helping out in some other way, they help me feel needed even in little ways.

     And there's another thing that makes me crazy happy that is a part of who I am. It's big and cold and has blue and red lines and it contains some of the coolest people and...it has...rubber...on it... Ok, I'm out, it's an ice rink. It's also hockey. I love it so much, I think I was born with skates, the Dr just hid them when I skated out...hmm...maybe I should curb my imagination. Nah, deal with it.
   
     Hockey has been my saving grace from summer every year since I became a fan, anyone on my FB knows of my countdowns from the first day of summer till the first preseason nhl game of the season...that's right. I can't even wait till just regular season, I go crazy for the first preseason. And as a Flyers fan, that usually means a game I can't go to but still keep up with the score as if it's a pivitol playoff game. Hockey was the thing God used to bring me into church in a way and it has been one of the biggest uses for me to socialize with society. One of my favorite memories was when the Flyers won game 7 vs Boston in 2010: we went to the Wells Fargo Center to watch the game being played in Boston. There were 20,000 fans there and we all enjoyed the win. Afterwards, as we exited the parking lot (which took us over an hour to just get out of the not that big parking lot) fans were high fiving each other, going around to random cars and talking about the game and sharing drinks and stories. The comradery of the sport is much fun.

     And art. Oh art, you make me swoon. Photography, drawing, painting, music, creating videos and short films...there's so much to talk about in this...this writing. This is another one of the best "goods" that keeps me sane and helps me on a regular basis. I don't acknowledge it because that's vain or something but I love knowing that I'm good at something and for it to be photography or drawing, that means a lot to me. It's so therapeutic to put what's in my head on paper or into a YouTube video is immeasurable.

     So although I, at times, don't see it I have some awesome 'good' and some terrible 'not so good' that is always on my mind. Sometimes I need to remind my face about the good stuff. That's kinda hat this letter to myself is all about.

Have a wonderful day

Developing philosophies

Philosophies. We all develop different ideas in life as wee grow and learn things and understand more.

     I have been telling people for years now that the attitude a lot of people take is very immature:

   This attitude is not only immature but it's very self centered, the people in your life are affected by your decisions and not everyone has to agree with your commitments or choices. That isn't me saying only make choices based on how it will affect other people's decisions but that is definitely something to think about and weigh in your decision making.

     I am currently considering a choice that most friends don't or won't agree with and some people may decide they can't go against their beliefs and support me, this is not them being bad friends or not real friends. That is them being true to themselves just as I am doing things that I have to do to be true to myself, I cannot fault them for that and I disagree whole heartedly when others insult these kinds of people.

   Another philosophy I have is that money is not nearly as important as people and friends and experiences. My uncle taught me that before he passed away. He said money comes and goes, sometimes you have it and sometimes you don't. And I know there have been times where I have taken this a little too close to heart and sacrificed money when I should have worked a little harder and earned a little more money but I sincerely believe in this ideology.

     The last philosophy I want to talk about is this:

     It will always benefit someone to hear a truth they don't want to hear rather than let them believe a lie that's easier to take. You can learn from truth, you can grow from hearing something you absolutely don't want to hear. You cannot learn, grow or become better from hearing lies just because you want to hear them.

     I live by these statements and I'm gad I've learned these from the people who taught them to me.

Late Night Thoughts

Loneliness sets in quick like rushing waters and pain covers my organs like fire. I feel numb, I physically hurt. Rational thoughts seem a thousand miles away for split seconds and when they come back, they only fuel my rage, anger and hurt. I try to fight off that by stating the positives, things can get better, the grass can get greener tomorrow or next week or next year...can is the key word, can also leads to may not. Thoughts spin around my head, thoughts like "everyone will be better off in the end. They'll hurt for a little while but move on and grow stronger from my death." and "How long do I have to live for others before I can die for myself?" and many others similar to these run around with no constraints in my mind, filling my heart with emptiness and fear of living. 

A fear of living...that's almost funny to me, I have always feared death. I feared doing something that would lead to my death most of my life, to the poit that it stopped me from doing a lot of things when I was younger. Now I have the 'back of my mind' thought that living is scary and living for a long time is terrifying. These thoughts lead to remembering people who have killed themselves that have taken a piece of me with them, I have such trouble fighting off these feelings or thoughts.

My Uncle Mike, I still can't believe this is real, that he's not a call away right now, that I'm never going to talk to him again, that I'll never hear him laugh again. This is the closest man I've ever had to a father ever and he's gone...and he did it to himself. He knew what he was doing...I keep reenacting his last days in my mind, imagining what may have been going through his head and what the actual last straw was that made him decide to take his own life. 

It affects every second of every day in a way, I constantly think about calling him or where he'd be right now if he was around still. I can't truly see the positive in this, nothing is better fro his loss and I am truly messed up i a way I may never be fixed from. The more I try to be angry, the more I just feel desperately lonely and...just hurt. I often randomly think, "How am I dealing with this? How can I deal?" I don't know...I don't know.

What if...two words that have been the bane of my existence, literally. There has been no other single thing that has affected e as negatively as this phrase. I constantly think "what if I didn't do that?" "what if I did that?" "what if she did this or that?" the list goes on longer that I like to think about. 

There are prominent "what if's" that have hovered over my head, things that have been in the back of my mind at all ties sine they happened and have affected every move I make in my life, I don't know how to deal with them even still. My attempt is to identify them and pick them apart to see the truest form of truth in them. I hope that wrapping my head around the truth and learning what these "what if's" really are will help me to move past them.