Epic Ranting Time (NSFW)

     I'm going to warn you right now, this I am in a horrible mood and I am going to be letting out some very harsh emotions and using strong language that I do not normally use. It is the me that no one sees and it's not an attractive trait. As I write this, I feel dumb for getting so mad but it's not the first, second or five thousandth time something like this has happened to me and it is a microcosm of everything I try to do...so here we go...

     Tonight I felt alone. And not in the "I have no friends around" kinda way although that was true (with the exception of a good friend texting me during the hockey game) I felt alone in the "God is not here for me" kind of way. Now I know a lot of people that would tell me I'm wrong and that I need to trust Him or  read or pray more. I'm not going to pretend I'm consistent with any of that but what I do see consistently is there is nothing I can do without a GIANT fight. Nothing.

Whether I curse or speak politely, whether I steal or give, whether I wait patiently or take what I want when I want it...it always ends up the same; something makes everything I do so hard that even when/if I get it, I am so angry beyond rage that I don't care about anything or anyone or what happens.

And the worst part is it's not only big life changing things, it's not like I can't seem to get that big house way up in the west hills without something going so wrong that even if I do get it eventually I'm just beyond angry. It's like what happened tonight:

I am sitting here, angry and trying to calm down so I pray and ask God to help me calm down. As I finish that, I am reminded that a friend gave me a season of a tv show (House season 2, my second favorite show and my second favorite season) I forgot he gave it to me and was looking at it like,

"Ok God, thank you for bringing that to my attention. I could 

really use that to relax and calm down. That's perfect."

And so I pick it up and open the case, finding that the little plastic pieces holding the discs is broken. Not something worth freaking out about, just a little annoying. Ok so what. I press the little button to open the disc drive on my computer and it pops out. Good so far, right? Right.

I put the DVD in and it does nothing. After waiting a few minutes, I go into the folder and find the contents of the DVD and click on it. My computer freezes for what seemed like an eternity and I end up force closing the program and reopening it. Same results. Try again? Yeah ok, sounds smart...same result again and again and again. By now, I'm trying not to shout but it's getting harder and harder by the second.

I just want the DVD to work so I can calm down and relax while laughing at Greg House

 That's all I want and by that point, I was doing all I can to keep from cursing at my inanimate object of a computer. So I FINALLY get it to open without freezing and I open my Windows Media Player. It doesn't automatically just play because that's what happens when I do something. I go into the folder for my DVDs and drag and drop the files into the Media Player and to my surprise...they don't work.
     ...of course they don't. I tried each file individually and none worked. I tried to put them all in at once, nope. I tried to reopen the program...nothing again. I kept getting a pop up that said it can't open the files because there's a problem or something like that.

OF FRICKIN COURSE NOT! I'm starting to boil with more than anger at that point.

     Side Note: Oh by the way, my current computer (one that I have taken great care of over the not even year that I've used it) is literally falling apart from absolutely nothing. My previous computer was destroyed because one night I was angry and accidentally broke it. I was so angry over something not working that was supposed to that I hit it and eventually broke it.

So I calmly and gently take the DVD out and restart it. Same results and I try a different program. It opens and that program starts. YES!! Ok, I can come back from this point of anger as long as SOMETHING just works for me. Up until this point, I didn't even think about if it wasn't going to work, I have used this computer recently to play DVDs so there shouldn't be this issue.

I figured that I just gotta do one little thing different and it'll work, I must be making some mistake that keeps it from running as usual. I've been told recently that I do things expecting it to go wrong and that's why things go wrong for me. I didn't even have that in my mind till just after this point.

The program opens and it has the option to play the DVD. ALRIGHT! SO I press the play button and that screen with the run time comes up but there is not time counter, the spot where it's supposed to start counting to show it's playing is faded and at 00:00:00 (on both ends so there's nothing to play and nothing is playing)

"Of Fucking course! C'mon! JUST PLAY! PLEASE??!" I say to my computer that has no way of answering me.

Nothing changes and I shut the program and restart it, trying again. This time I'm near that explosion point, holding on by threads to sanity in this situation. A thread...a very thin thread.
I watch the program do the exact same thing and those threads are pulling from both ends. "JUST...PLEASE?! LIKE REALLY??!"

I get to that same place where the DVD is supposed to play the show and nothing again.

By now, I've gotten past just anger into very very near rage, I am growing a migraine, still angry about the hockey game, I'm feeling alone, I'm sweaty and annoyed and I am beyond ready to destroy the hell out of this computer. So having the program mocking me by what it did next was that breaking point.

It FINALLY opened and I heard Hugh Laurie's voice...for about two seconds. It's in the middle of a random episode and it freezes after two words by the Dr that he all love.

After hearing it and seeing the freezing screen, I about yell, "COME FUCKING ON! WHY??! WHY ARE YOU...AAAAH!" And this is where I start losing my mind. Between the many many curse words that I made sure my inanimate object of a computer heard and my beat red face, I couldn't hold in the rage anymore. It was just too much.

I insulted my computer so much, I'm pretty sure I made up many words just to use against it. And when I decided to just give up on watching the DVD, I stood up and used my full lungs to make it known just how much I can't stand that everything I do (no matter what it is), I fail and end up so angry that I don't care if I get my desired results or not.

I didn't care by that point if the DVD worked perfectly from that very moment on, it didn't matter anymore because I already blew up and lost every ounce of sanity and calmness that I so very needed. I blew up for about an hour...literally one.full.hour.

So after spraying the computer with my anger spit and finally grabbing some semblance of myself, I tried to calm somewhat down from all of that. All I wanted to do was calm down in the first place but the ONE thing I wanted to do was watch a show that I knew would help me laugh and relax a little. So I thought, "Ok. O-mother f*****g-K! I'll find my 2 terabyte hard drive and watch something from there. Screw you, piece of shit computer! I'm, not letting you win! Screw the FUCK out of you! Piece of garbage! I'm so sick of..." and with that, I threw about a thousand more degrading words together.

Of course I couldn't find my hard drive, because that's what I do. I misplace whatever it is I want only at the time that I want it." I stopped and just sat down in the middle of my room floor and just looked up. "Why God? Why do you let this happen to me ALWAYS?! It's always when I need something the most that it's not there or it doesn't work or I mess it up. Always when I need it the most"

I'm just sitting there, speechless and so beyond angry. All I wanted was to compose myself and get to the point of being able to put the stuff that had me in a bad mood out of my mind. But at that point I just...I just don't care.

I don't care that my migraine is hitting me or that my computer is falling apart or that NOTHING is ever simple; all I care about is why God is ignoring my pleas. "God, really?! This is what you want from me?? You want me to just never be okay? Ever?! You don't care that I just need something from you??! DO YOU HEAR ME?!! Do you care??!" I look up and wait a moment.

"Do something! Like now! I don't care if it's good, do something bad, something that I don't like or want...just DO.SOMETHING.NOW." nothing happens.

"Do something so I know you exist..or you're listening...or something to show me you even care that I need you to show me something..." nothing happens. "Anything? Anything at all? I'm not asking for money or everything to work out. I'm not even asking for ANYTHING to work out, God.Just do SOMETHING."

As if He is standing above me, I look up and in just sad rage I say, "DO YOU EXIST?! DO YOU CARE DO YOU KNOW I'M IN NEED? Not just want: need. I need to know you are there."

And like everything else in my life, I do not get the desired result, I get an alone and abandoned feeling. I didn't kick something or throw my computer

(I wanted to so so bad...but I didn't. 

You want proof? Well, I'm typing on that computer 

right now. You wouldn't be reading this if I did)

And I finally calmed down a little, not in a "wow I feel okay" kinda way or a "Now that that's out of my system, I can relax" kinda way; it's more like a "I have no more physical energy and if I get any angrier, I will break something that I reeeeally need to not break" kinda way.

I've been going through a lot lately and it seems like there's no right answer to anything, like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't to everything. I'm not making any threats, that's not what this is about; this is about the emotion and the inability to do anything without it going so badly that I can't win.

I need prayer, badly right now. I truly want to believe God cares but my experiences have not been kind to me and it's getting harder by the minute to hold onto even the desire to care. Right now the only motivation I have to even go on is my upcoming transition. The thought of future girls nights and getting dressed up and not feeling like I'm in the wrong body or wearing inappropriate clothes, those are the only thing I'm clinging to right now.

I know this isn't nice or something I'm proud of writing...I'm sorry if this bothers you to read. It bothers me too, but it is the absolute brutal and completely vulnerable honesty. One of the very few things I see about myself as a successful trait is my opaque honesty and this...well, there is no more vulnerable moment than when one is alone and yelling at God because one feels lost, left out and unloved.

Thank you for reading...

Eulogy of a Shadow

     So anyone who knows me knows I've dealt with suicide and death a lot in my life. It's kinda like a shadow that has followed me (I know death follows EVERYONE but not everyone feels it as much as some of us twisted special ones)

     Even as a kid, I was obsessed with death and at many point, I've wanted to die. Sometimes it was a just as a way out of a terrible situation, like when I was about 7 and my biological parents were fighting one night very loudly and I was sent to his room. I heard therm and just wanted that feeling to stop, that feeling of hearing people fighting over me. I hated so much that my existence was causing such a  scary argument and it made me want to do anything to stop it.

I thought two things:
     1. If I were to die then, right that night almost in front of them then they'd stop caring about screaming at each other. Might even bring some peace to people who were involved. I thought that would teach them a lesson too. I thought how bad they would feel if a little kid made them learn a lesson.
     1. I just wanted to get out of that situation. I hated hated hated feeling so uncomfortable. I knew nothing about what death was in the grand scheme of things but I knew I would have rather dealt with dying then continue feeling the pain of sadness caused by their fight. It was a soul killing sadness that has bled into my inner thoughts and has followed mr around like a creepy shadow.

     That was all just an intro to the point of this whole thing:
For so long I've wanted to kill me and aim all the sadness at ending myself...or at least I thought I wanted that. When I examine why I think and feel the way I do, I learn that the truth is I want to not feel that sadness or pain. The idea of dying is an escape from that and becomes the consolation prize that I convinced myself I wanted more than my true wish.

     So I thought today at work about what I truly want and two things happened that made me want to put my shadow to rest.

One was a man came to my register. I said my delivery line that I've been conditioned to say, "Hi, How are you today?" and his response was, "Well, my back hurts and my life kinda sucks..." he proceeded to tell me he has cancer because of agent orange, his wife passed away not too long ago, his son is mentally handicapped and he has back, leg and foot pain. The thing is he was smiling the whole time, not like a joyous "everything is awesome even though things aren't great" kinda smile, it was a painful smile. A smile that told more of his story than his story told, it was interesting to hear him complain because his eyes were almost devoid of emotions in a way that told me he has been through so much emotions that there wasn't much left.

And through all of that, he wasn't complaining the way most people do. Most people complain because they expected life to give them so much and it just didn't. He was telling a story of hardships without blaming life or God or others. Through the conversation, he told me his son keeps asking when Mom is coming home and the best thing he could say was, "We'll see mom again when we move and go to her." It was the best way he could explain her death to his son who will never understand...for lack of better words.

The other thing was a status on facebook that connects this man's story to my subconscious. Blaire White (a transgender political/current events youtuber, one of my favorite channels) posted:

     I had to repost it, because it's something I think I expect too much. I will probably either forget or think something bad is the end of the world soon but it at least gave me something to think about for today and has been on my mind.

I try to challenge myself to grow when these kinds of things occur; these bits of deep truth that should change our all of our lives. I know I'm more messed up than most but once in a while I see some truth or bit of wisdom that we should all think about and meditate on in some way. "Life becomes infinitely easier once you accept that it doesn't owe you anything." Very smart words.

I'm not one to give out words of wisdom but these are definitely words people these days should think about regularly. Thank you for reading.

Deconstructing Vincent Joseph

     I've been a Christian since 2001 June 27th to be exact) and since then I've tried to surround myself with people who I want to be like and keep away from all that I shouldn't have in my life...well I've tried and tried and tried.

     My friends and the people I associate with has been very important because of the bad apple theory, one bad apple can ruin all the good ones around it, and I've carried that in my social media life and I've tried to be both a "good apple" to those who need to see one around me and in the barrel with good apples. 

     The good things about that theory have been evident: I have successfully learned what being a drunk or a drug addict is before falling for any of that, my social media life has been respectful and always at a higher standard, I've at times learned how to keep up with certain things that I couldn't learn with people who are even at my level and I accepted God in my life at a time when  I could have accepted any amount of terrible things. All that was because I got rid of toxic people and influences from my life and tried my best to stick by the people and things that were better than...well, me.

     Then there is the part that is a big ol' pile of...confusion.  There's the paradox that this creates. So being around people who are better than me has had enormous positive side effects on me BUT at a point that started becoming toxic too in a way. I'm not successful, I haven't ever, in my entire life, even known how to try to be successful yet most of my friends have been born and bred to be a success story, they are all inspirationally great in at least a few ways. 

So I become the bad apple to them, which is evident to them when things come up like we go out to eat or they invite me somewhere that requires ID and I do my normal thing and lose mine while they are outside waiting, leaving me to have to walk out and sadly tell them to go without me because I lost the one thing I need at the moment. Situations like that come up on the regular with me and it's not that I don't get to do things necessarily or that I have to do more to keep up with anyone else; it's the part where I have to walk the long lonely walk to go and tell them that I can't go. That walk becomes harder each and every time I have to walk it. 

     So i walk that walk and the part about me is sad and my friends go on...and I go back somewhere alone...feeling like a full failure. And nothing else. It washes over me, it replays over and over, often I create how much I think they're better off without me. They're having more fun because they're good people and they got rid of the bad apple...so I must be the bad apple, right? Right?! And it only gets worse from there. Now this exact situation only happened once but similar things have occurred many times where I had to back out in order for everyone to have a better time or to actually enjoy themselves. 

     And since I have a literal mind that refuses to change that way of thinking, I look at the math of life: if I am the one that they have to wait for, and I am the one that friends have to pay for and I'm the one that usually doesn't understand things common to them and I am CONSTANTLY the one who doesn't have ANYTHING that they all have (families, lives, the importance of others) I do that math and the answer is I'm the problem. 

     So if I'm the problem, then I should take myself out of their equation to make their lives better and I sit alone and beat myself up over and over and over...and over and over. And it was just pointed out to me that when my friends come to spend time with me or try to cheer me up, while they've been in the real world and have been just doing what they do, I have been mentally destroying myself for so long that I don't even think of myself as human anymore.

So they are like, "Hey, haven't seen you i a while. You okay?" all cheerful and calm. And my response looks like I've been in a Taken movie standing opposite Liam Neeson's character. From my point of view, I'm coming out of a terrorizing situation and trying to calm down (slowly because I have trouble changing moods even when it's proven to me that I should) but to the friend, nothing is actually wrong and I bring them down in my slow reaction to their positivity. That in turn makes them not want to be around me or not really be able to handle my intense sadness/negativity...and when they leave or step back, I repeat the mental beating with more vigor than before. 

     This has grown from a small issue that I can let go of to a painful bitter ball in the pit of my stomach to this intense evil hatred that lives inside me. I know I need to change this, I know I need to accept that things are not the way I see them usually and I know that some of the damage that I saw and currently see as irreversibly broken are i fact possible to be repaired...somehow. Somehow...somehow...somehow; that words seems so far away and almost a fantasy of a dream. Someday (another far away word) I hope to understand how to use this deconstruction to fix some of this stuff.

     My goal with this and with my videos on YouTube and with my art and my prayers and my bible reading and my future therapy and my transitioning and everything else i try to do is all to find a way to be okay. I thank anyone who reads this and I hope it encourages you in any way at all. Let me know if it does, I could truly use that if it's true.

I have absolutely no idea what to do

.    So my life right now is a mess: I have so much anxiety issues that seem to be adding more and more problems each day, I don't work enough to sustain a human life, my stress level is way too high even before much happens and I quickly get to a point where I'm not able to handle even normal things, I have gender dysphoria, every day my confidence goes down and the little failures hurt more and more, I'm growing bitter in ways in can't seem to stop, I have literally the worst luck with anything that involves luck of any kind, bad things just happen to follow me around no matter what I do, I'm loved by friends and very cared about but I often feel I have no one in my corner in the way that most people in my life don't even know what it's like to not have and I think about death and suicide much more than I ever should.


     Anxiety and stress.

So I wake in the morning and if there is absolutely nothing going on and I have nothing to worry about, I'm fine and there's no stress. The problem is I don't recall ever having a day like that, ever. Going to work is stressful in itself and even on a really slow day, my stress levels are at a breaking point. Then a second day in a row multiplies that plus whatever things that don't work out our get stressful that day and buy the end I feel like I barely make it. Then a third day in a row of working or doing anything stressful literally leaves me shaking and unable to think straight enough to make normal decisions or follow through with everyday functionary actions. I sometimes feel like crying over things like having long lines as a cashier or dropping things 3 or 4 times in a row. And that's when I start just messing up everything I touch, as if I turn into a giant clutz.


     Luck of the draw.
If it can go wrong, it will and not only does it go wrong but it will humiliate me in the worst way possible. And it's not just a thing here or there, any time I do anything that involves luck in any way I have to prepare to either get ahead of it or expect to get whatever I want to not get. Like if I only work one day in a week, but I need it to not be a Wednesday can you guess which day I'll be scheduled? Some things I can get ahead of like that, I can request off that day. But if I leave it up to chance, 10 out of 10 times it will be whatever I don't want it to be. And then there's things like card games... If I'm playing settlers if caftan, I can count on having absolutely none of the one item I need at the end of the game. I usually start strong and just hit an embarrassing block that I can never get past. These are just a few examples, another would be getting my state ID. I went 6 times before I was able to get it. 6 times. It was insane, they found rains why things I Christy didn't fit the requirements even though I brought exactly what they told me to bring. It gets maddening when everything and anything gets stopped all the time.


     Then... The worst part of me, the thing that embarrassed me and hurts all the time. Love.

I was born into a "family" of strangers, people all thrown together who regularly found themselves at each other's throats or leaving someone high and dry without care for anyone but themselves. I do not mean all of my "family" out in fact most of them when they're sober, the fact if the matter is that most of the people related to me are drunks or drug addicts or have been at one time.

The influence is strong with those ones. My biological father (who I hope reads this some day and realized just how terrible a person he is and how much he hurt at least me) was at absolute best a scumbag from the darkest depths is selfish garbage. That is me being way being nice, I try not to curse as a regular form of expression and that human doesn't deserve me breaking that personal rule.

As for my mom and her side, I've always had a huge intangible space between me and almost all of them, I don't blame most of them for things not done perfectly or even done wrong. I honestly believe my mom and her brothers and parents never or rarely did things out of hate. They weren't saints but deep down they cared about each other for the most part.

With the good stuff said, I felt very separate from everyone related by blood to me (with the exception of my Uncle Ron, Uncle George, Uncle Mike and my cousin Ryan) and I don't recall a time where I felt like we loved each other, which left me starved for love and affection.

     And with the most subtle of transitions to another post if this topic, that brings me to romance. Ah the language of love, eh?

I've had some awesome moments, like when I took a girl's hand and we danced outside a fancy restaurant while people were talking about how sweet we looked. Sounds amazing... And it was a great moment, well it would have been better with someone who deserved it. I say this not as a bitter ex or in a malicious way, but as someone who can recognize the truth about someone that I used to have tinted glasses toward...she was an idiot. There have been a few other notable moments with other not worth mentioning idiots, cheaters and psycho, but very few girls that were genuinely with any attention.

Overall I've been very sad about the lack of returned affection in that area with one caveat, I have come out transgender within the last 2 years and that could be why nothing has ever worked out. I wasn't meant to be with any of the girls I dated because my destiny could be to become a woman who can do a little too help others in the same situation. (I completely understand that I can't become a true female, so you can hold any comments about that. I get it and don't have delusional thoughts that I can. It's just easier to say it than to constantly say 'i can become the closest facsimile to that of what I see myself as in my broken mind).

If that were to work out like I hope it does, I can in the future be accepted as Layla and live my life encouraging the people around me without feeling like I'm faking or lying about who I am at all times. I honestly believe that after going through transitioning and accepting that life and leaving romance behind, I can accept that the love that I'll receive is the love from friends and will only be platonic. I actually realized while typing this why transitioning is so important to me: I hate who I am and I hate that I'm not loved romantically but I am loved very deeply by friends. If I could find a way to love myself then u can accept that love of friends for what it is as opposed to now where I feel like it's a weak consolation prize. No offense to any of those friends, I love them all back very very much. (If you're in this group, I'm pretty sure you know)

     So here I am...A mess, trying to fix as much as I can while I feel like I'm on a  quickly sinking ship. I'm afraid of failing, I'm afraid of succeeding and I'm afraid to be in the middle of those options.  So pray for me if you pay, send happy thoughts if that's what you do, donate time money or luck if you have any to spare and inspire others in my honor if you can.

Thanks for reading.

Today is the Only Day That Matters Right Now

     Today. An odd word, really. Seems like nothing special, were all use it all the time...right? The truth is in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't mean very much afterwards but in the moment, it means everything. In most ways, yesterday and last year are insignificant to our needs or wants or hopes and dreams. We've already lived that day out and it's nothing more than a memory. Not to say that memories aren't important, sometimes that's the only thing keeping people or places with us. Memories are very important for our mental state, but survival happens today for some of us. Maybe not in some cinematic 'i have to jump from this bridge that ship before it explodes' kind of way but we survive in harrowing and very seemingly very small ways.

     Jim Carrey had a stand up bit that is hilarious and also very deeply true; he said life is all about impulses. We all have impulses every minute of every day. "Do I run this razorblade across my tongue or do I shave normally and go to work?" Carrey used as a funny example (it's on YouTube, check it out. He's a lot funnier than I am) and it's funny to use crazy examples but there's so much truth in that philosophy. Every moment, were have a ton of little options that could be detrimental or they could be just normal routine stuff or could make life better in some way. Or life or someone else's

     I guess now is as good a time as any to get you why I'm writing this. I have impulses regularly that are not good...no, I'm not saying I'm crazy and hear voices but I am saying that I have mental issues that make it very easy for me to see myself as worthless, bad for everyone around me no matter what I do and generally a curse on anything I touch. I know logically I'm not supposed to think that way, I fight abortion hard and defend second chances for people whenever I can; it's very important to me that when I see the chance to show someone that they can be better, that I do it or when I see a way that life can be protected, it's not taken lightly. I do all that with vigor until it comes to myself. To give you insight into time when I'm alone, when no one else can see me: I have trouble looking into mirrors, most of that is because I have this distorted view of me. When it gets so bad that it takes you actually time, like I actually think about how bad I am to friends and to co-workers for serious amounts of time, that's when it's something that needs real attention.

     There have been big things that happened throughout my life that led me to this thought pattern, some of those were my fault and some out of my control. I'm not trying to make myself a victim for the most part, I've made a lot of dumb mistakes that caused long term problems for me (my dating history is a perfect example) and I am also in fact trying to say that my entire thought process needs to change. I want that to change, really badly.

     I recently nearly made the worst impulse a reality, one that would have taken away my 'todays' forever. I'm not happy about thinking that way but I can't lie or act like it didn't happen. That day is now not important, because it's not today though and I'm trying to keep this thought in my head more and more. Right now, this very second...Yesterday isn't important. Only today is and only today should be when bad things happen or when you make decisions you regret.

     Learning from yesterday and honoring good things about yesterday is good, today is the only day that matters though. Today you can make choices count, today you can change things, today you can survive.

     Remember yesterday, survive today and have hope for tomorrow.

The Introvert/Extrovert In Me

     So I often feel the need to write when I'm in immediate negativity, which is why this diary is heavily leaning on the sad side but I do have good things in my life and Saturday was a decently (yes, I made that word up. No, that wasn't a typo. Yes, you can use it) good day.

     I went to Center City with some friends and we had a really good time just goofing around. I have become a hardcore introvert over the last few years and being out in public usually makes me want to be invisible, let alone making a scene. So getting to go out and sing and dance and make silly jokes and be outgoing and not care is a very rare thing for me. I got to do that in Philly. And more importantly, I had fun doing it.

I've had a few times in the last few years where I've been out with people and pretended to be somewhat outgoing and while I looked like I was doing fine, internally I was either freaking out and trying to find a place to hide or I just plain hated what ever was going on. That's never been because of whoever I was around, but the blunt truth is I'm so not comfortable being the 'life of the party' type. I'm not saying I was the life of the small party but I didn't feel the burning need to become invisible or miserable for not wanting to be wherever I was. That's pretty big for me.

     To put my internal works into protective, ten years ago I could have maybe 10 days out of a month where I had good days. Days when I felt outgoing and was able to step outside of my head. And skipping ahead to this year, I can think of 2 days where I even came close to being able to step outside of my discomfort. Yesterday was one of those days and the year is almost over, we're in August.

     Another good thing about yesterday is that I kinda felt like I have my friend a good day too. Maybe I'm being self centered and I'm wrong about this (although I hope that's not the case) but it feels really good to know I've helped my friends when in a way that they actually need. I feel very useless in society lately so to actually feel like something I did was actually useful, that's really cool.

     I was supposed to be somewhere else, doing something else and that had me really bummed so it's cool that while I was missing out on something I really wanted to do, I turned that into a really good day and a lot of fun. The only downside was the heat but I'll take being sweaty and having fun over being comfortable with the temperature and miserable.

It was a good day. I needed that.

Too much: The Full Truth

     I don't know how to deal with everything and the more that happens, the more I shut down. Stress adds up, pushes me down and the more I shut down, the more stressful things keep adding on to my already not good life.

 
          So I want to look into why I think this:

   I was born into a terrible "family", one that at times tried overall to be good people, one that was filled with a bunch of people who weren't ready for all that they got into and it resulted in two dying mainly because of alcoholism, one committing suicide and another not far from that among other various horrible situations.

   I was never allowed to be myself and never able to grow up at the same rate as kids are supposed to and I definitely didn't get or feel the love that ids are supposed to get and feel. My biological father was (to explain in the nicest term I'm able to muster) scum...in every way. My mother tried but was overwhelmed by a lot and I saw that throughout my life near her.

   As a child, I was always alone and always felt left out, even when I was a kid and visited my childhood best friend, I remember going to his house and watching him play with his new best friend and walk away from me because there was no more place for me. A girl that I went through a few years with meant the world to me and I found out later that I barely meant anything to her other than she knew me way back when we were kids. I always wanted someone (friend or romantically) to bond with me, so badly that I created that with people who didn't create it with me. I looked for pretty much any kind of bond everywhere. And each time I found out it wasn't real, it hurt me a little more and I became a little less able to trust.

   I was forced to live with a man who hated me and while he used his money on me in his life, he made it clear that I was never anything to him, especially the day he told me he was doing drugs. So there came a time when he and mom were moving, she came to me and asked what I was expecting to do and I told her I'm not living with him anymore, that wasn't happening. Then she asked if I was going to live with my "dad" (he never was and never will be my dad, he was nothing more than a sperm donor, just to be clear) and I told her there's no way I'm going to live with him.

   That left me out again, and my Uncle stepped in and took me in his home without even thinking about his situation (at least not that I know of, he may have weighed what it would mean to his life but in the end, he took me in and gave me his room instantly) While that was a great option for me at the moment and it made me feel kinda happy for a time, there were new problems that I faced.

   I had no curfew, no restrictions, no one wondering or caring where I was and I lived with a drug addict and a constant drunk. The police were at that house more than I was, screaming became the family motto and I closed myself off more and more. I rarely slept more than 3-54 hours a night, my grandmother (the constant drunk) liked to drink and bang on my door at 3 am when I had to be at school i the morning, which made me a happy camper. I can name more than 10 occasions that I had to dodge someone swinging something at me (on purpose or by accident) an I even had to go to court twice because I had to call the police on one of them (My grandmother once and my uncle George once). Not exactly and ideal situation for a kid who needed love and care more than most already.

   Now, add in to that mix my gender dysphoria, as a very small child I wanted to be a girl and that was on my mind at all times, even the times I was having fun or busy. At around 12 or 13, I started to discover my sexual side and the only thing that excited me was thinking about being forced to be a girl. For a few years I thought it was a sexual thing until I was about 16, then I realized I wanted to and felt like a girl overall. I wanted to run away and have a sex change and start a new life. That never went away.

   Now let's add in how I feel about God. This is not easy to say and I don't want to discourage anyone else from obeying or caring about God, you're not me so He cares about you.

This is how I feel:

              God has never cared for me, I snuck into His group of believers and He was forced (so to speak) to accept me...sort of. People say that God never leaves His people, never forsakes them, right? Well, I was saved on June 27th 2001. I accepted and put my faith in God's word and really thought I was safe from a lot of the emotional things that crippled me through my life. People say He would not put people in situations they can't handle and that He always gives His people what they need. Both of these are hard for me to believe, about me only, because I can think of a few times when I truly needed something and was just emptied out of any trust when I not only didn't get those things but I was embarrassed and hurt even more after I didn't get whatever it was I needed.
   Yeah, I did get some things that I wanted or needed at times but when it came to my faith or those moments where I could have totally seen something that put my faith on a solid rock...I was humiliated and emotionally destroyed. There were times where all it took was some little thing, not like a girl to like me or to get a house and a car given to me, just some little things that would have made me actually feel the love that I had heard about and seen in friends' lives. Those times were the ones that broke my faith in a way that may not be able to be fixed.

   And then there's my societal problems, I have been trying to keep up with society, with my friends and with my own expectations for as long as I can remember. I never had the chance to grow up and learn things from parents who cared and took the time to teach me things so I'm behind society because of that and whenever I get a chance to get ahead, I find that any choice that I make is the wrong one. I just always make the wrong choice, it's not even like "should I steal or buy something?" it's like, "Should I go to work when someone else calls out?" If I take the shift, I get there and everything goes wrong from me not being able to do something to I get hurt or make clumsy mistakes and cause more trouble for bosses than it was worth having me come in. And if I don;t come in, I miss out on a little bit more money and I end up not doing things I plan on doing for whatever reason.    Recently...within the last 5 years, I've gained anxiety that has been stopping me from doing so much. I have anxiety over crowds of people, even friends, which makes me NEED to leave whenever I find myself trying to tackle that and I end up stuck somewhere far from my place or I find myself being made gun of by the whole group I'm with. I can't seem to make a phone call without a long time psyching myself up for longer than I should take.

   And the final thing that has deeply affected me over the last 10 years is concussions. I have a lot of trouble remembering things and speaking and getting migraines. These things have been overtaking my life since about 1999, when I got my first concussion and I've gotten a few more since then. Three of them were bad enough to leave me unable to do things on my own. Once I went to the hospital and the other two times, I had to stay at a friend's house for the night. All three left me with memory issues, in fact I remember things that I know for a fact didn't happen.
   Once in a while, I have issues that resemble dyslexia where I can't speak the words I want to and I forget words that are common. An example would be: If I'm trying to tell someone that I want to go to the bathroom, I'd forget the words bathroom and the sentence would become difficult to put on the right order. SO I'd say,

 and in the moment, I have no idea how to make that sound sane to whoever I'm speaking to. Most bosses or people in any kind of authority don't even care what's going on, they think I'm mentally handicapped or stupid. And when I'm busy at a job or speaking to a customer, this causes major problems. It's more than just an annoyance too, it hurts and I have lost jobs because of this in the past.

     Looking at all of this, I can't see a way I can live a life that is any more than existing. I often think about ending things and these are all prevalent in that thought. It just makes me think, What do you do when you need to run full speed and you just don't have anything in the tank? What do you do when you need to drive as fast as you can and all you have is a skateboard and you're missing a shoe? What do you do when you need $30,000 and you have less than a dollar when you get your next check? I don't have faith that anything is going to get any better, I don't have the strength to make jokes and pretend things will get better...I don't have even that much fear or sadness at the thought of my journey ending sometime soon.

     I'm scared that I'm numb and less scared...