My Attitude Needs Help

     My attitude is one of my weak points, something I try to change but have the most trouble dealing with. Let me back up by explaining that I have tried to genuinely look at my flaws and work on them, things like laziness or public negativity.

I have moments when I don't realize what I sound like or what my attitude shows other people about me till after I think about it later:

     Sometimes, I turn from normal person into incredbly pretentious, pompous, higher than thou stupid. I remember a time when I was playing hockey with some kids in Philly, they brought me to a rink and it was awful. There were divets in the poor concrete surface, the nets had holes, the chainlink fence around it was warped and clearly in need of repair at least and that was just what I thought the first moment I got there.

We played for a while and theywere pretty good at things like jumping over the holes in the ground and maneuvering around the fence warps, unlike me who got caught up in all of those imperfections (which had me frustrated) At the time, I looked a lot worse than I actually was and I kept saying to the person who invited me that I wish we could get them to the rink I usually played in then.

I said a few times to him that my rink is so much better and I can play so much better [than I did that day]. He laughed with me and we played for a few hours, having a pretty good time with inner city kids who really love the game.

After everyone left, the person who brought me there (who is not currently a friend but was at the time) sat with me and pointed out that the kids thought I was a tool bag for saying the stuff I said. I didn't even think of my words the way I sounded, I was trying to ask them if they would play at my
 rink because it was nice and I could probably find a way to get them there. But looking back, I understood how it looked to the kids who lived in that ratty city and did the best with what they had.

I felt bad for possibly discouraging kids who loved the game of hockey and kids who already had enough negativity in their lives, it sounded like I was insulting them or their rink and that's not cool with me. It's a moment I wish I could go back to and redo because my attitude sucked.

I have had other times where I wasn't satisfied with whatever my situation was and my attitude made me sound like I am better than anyone else, which I am very much not better than anyone...at all.

I also have trouble keeping my temper and attitude when I know am doing more than those around me, especially in situations where I think I would be repremanded for doing what those around me are doing. I've been surrounded by people who work hard and refuse to be lazy for a long time now, some of my best friends have taught me not to let others do what I can do in work situations and sometimes my attitude gets much worse when I see coworkers or people being lazy when everyone alound them is working hard.

Now this cvan be a good thing, I work hard and make sure to say something to soeone being lazy. That's good, right? Tell'em! Right? Well as much as that can be good, I sometiems realize I use that
and gho too far or don't know the whole situation. Like in the scanario of friends working together, I may not know that the seemingly lazy friend wasn't feeling good or had been working all day already and was there graciously giving their time to help. They don't deserve to be told to get up and work from me.
These are just a few examples, I really do try to acknowledge that I have flaws when I see them and change them over time.

And with that said, I want to acknowledge that I have attitude issues that I need to work on. I know I need to stay calm over things that are not worth meltdowns. I have bene having meltdowns over stupid stuff lately and I need to find a better way to get over them. Now the background may be deeper than whatever I'm upset about BUT I still need to calm down.

I wrote a diary entry recently about this and after going through it and writing about it and talking to a close friend about it, I am recognizing both sides of the entire situation:
     *One side of it was a very deep seeded and real problem that I need prayer in and I need to find a way to work through. My doubt of God and my doubt of things ever going well for me (because I have this therory that I'm just plain cursed)
     *The other side is that the events that went on that night were not worth me nearly losing my voice from yelling and growling at everything and anything that went wrong, big or small.





     I'm not good at taking on a lot of things at once so while I have many attitude flaws, I'm going to be working on this specific character trait. My goal is pray about it and try to get to the root of why I feel the way I do about God and also to try to find a solution to that root issue. And as for the practical aspect, I want to recognize when I'm going from upset to meltdown and try to find a way to stop the explosion before it gets to a point of no return. I am looking for advice or examples from friends on what you do to calm yourself down a tthose points before erupting in yelling or cursing or whatever.

Have a wonderful day

Relating One Thing to Another

     I have always seen my life or my current situation as a metaphor. Usually, I used sports to describe life When I was very young, I saw my life as a mountain. I pictured this mountain as a thrill every second, constantly learning new things and seeing new sights. It was exhilarating even running into trouble because it only meant that when things worked out it would be that much more happy.

Every step and every rock was like new friends and all the possibilities that were ahead of me. I imagines being the hero of my story and it felt like I was destined to win the world over.

...life didn't take long in dismantling that imagination.

     A few years later, I saw my life as a boxing match. This one lasted for a long time and I felt like it was meant to be like that to make me stronger. It hurt that my family was so broken, it was like a very hard hit that nearly knocked me down. But in my mind, I was so strong, I kept positive even though my biological father never wanted me and even though I rarely got things I really wanted.
It was as if I was training for life's hardest hits, so that I could not only take the bad blows but I could succeed. Every setback only made it seem sweeter because I knew I'd overcome anything.

I  was determined, as a 4th or 5th grader to fight back with as much vigor as my movie hero, Rocky Balboa. I hoped my life would mirror those movies and in the end, I always expected to come out on top no matter what.

Then one day, my mom told me she was moving with her boyfriend and I had to choose to go with them or go live with the guy who had donated sperm, biological father. And that moment, while we were in her little red truck, I felt like I truly lost the match. I refused to go with either and lost control even though I kinda had some control. I lost the boxing match and that was over for good.

     Then I felt like I was in a hockey game, this was my favorite analogy although it was my shortest lived of all of them. I still had some hope for a championship in life, I thought that was how life worked. You fight and have passion for things, you try and refuse to give up, you do what you can to move forward and you win in the end.


That's life right? That's what I truly thought as a kid and teenager, boy was I wrong. In hockey, I knew what to do and how to keep up with even the coolest of people. Awkwardness only occurred when the game was over and I tried to relate all of my hockey knowledge to real life. Things like: In hockey, a stay-at-home defenseman let's the offensive opponent make a first move and reacts based on that. Controlling things when you're not in control. I tried to equate that into real life, so if I had an assignment I would "play defense" by starting it early and trying to finish it as quick as possible.

In hockey, you have to know 8 or 9 steps ahead and in real life I tried to think at least a few steps ahead. I became observant and pretty much used this for only very selfish reasons but I still tried to use the "think ahead" logic in real life. I always thought this way about things, "If I do this and this happens because of my decision then that will happen and I'll have to do another thing..."

     Later, I started seeing life as a hike in a heavily windy desert. I felt like I was lost and any and every direction I walked, there was the same amount of wind. Like if I turn left and started trying to push through the wind, it would get stronger till I just couldn't go any further. So I'd make a right turn and try to get out of that wind, for a few seconds I would get away from it. But not long later, it would change directions and again blow in my face. Harder and harder, whipping my cheeks and  causing sand to go into my eyes till I just couldn't take any more.

Then I'd go in the opposite direction, trying to go with the flow of wind...can you guess what happened then? Yeah...same harsh winds in my face till I just was not able to go on.

     The common theme in all of these is I usually feel like I have to fight so hard to do anything that even if I get what I want, it doesn't matter. For example: if I'm trying to go to a museum of some sort, I'll try and not be able to get a ticket. Then I'll get a ticket and at the door I'll find out it doesn't apply on the exact day I go...so I try another day. I buy another ticket and find out the appropriate days and get in, cool right? I'd find out that The ticket I bought is only good for the lobby and that I have to wear a shirt and tie, so I can't even do the lobby because I didn't wear a suit and tie. THEN I'd come back with a suit and tie, buy the better ticket and I'd read all the fine print...only to find out that the exhibit that I wanted to see so badly, the one that I had been wanting to see for a long long time ended the day before I even bought the first ticket. After that, it doesn't even matter if I get in...I don't care at all about anything.

     A real life example of a situation is the Jaws ride. I went to Florida, one of the very few trips I took as a kid...and now that I think of it, the ONLY trip I took as a kid. I went with my mom and her at the time boyfriend (who I was not okay with, to say the least)

So we go there and go to Disney, cool right? I had an okay time, I'm not complaining about getting the chance to go or anything.

I appreciate that I could go but I wanted to do one thing in the entire state of Florida that would have made that trip the BEST EVER. And I found out we were going to Universal Studios on a certain day of our trip and I was so so excited.

I went through Disney kinda like a kid goes through meat so he or she can get to dessert. All I wanted was to go on the famous ride that coincided with my all time favorite movie. We got to Universal Studios and checked out some stuff, which were cool...but I had eyes for ONE thing. We watched a live taping of (get ready to make me feel old in 3. 2. 1...) All That, the Nickelodeon sketch comedy show. I remember smiling and saying I was enjoying my time, which I was, but in my mind I was screaming, "JAWS RIDE JAWS RIDE JAWS RIDE!"

So we finally get to the golden prize of the trip for me, the thing that had been my quest. I saw the line and was so excited, I wanted to cry or scream or hug everyone in the line. I could barely contain myself. So we stood in line, me wearing a Jaws t shirt and yes I even had a Jaws Fanny pack with a Jaws key chain attached to it. I was Jaws' number one fan and just standing in that line, knowing I was going to go on the world famous Jaws ride was blowing my little tiny 12 year old mind.

A half an hour in line and I was thrilled. An hour and a half and they put the movie on, I watched it with excitement. I loved (and still love) that movie so it was very cool to watch it while in line for the ride.2 hours go by and I watched almost the full movie and I watched the line slowly go down, I was closer to the promised land. The movie ends and restarts and I saw the door that led to the ride, I felt like I was in a dream as I got closer and closer to the entrance.

About half way through the movie for the second time, I was in the group to go on the next boat. I could have thrown up or wet myself at that point, I was so nervous. I had been wanting nothing more than going on THAT ride since the day I heard it existed. I thought it would never happen but I WAS NEXT IN LINE! My heart pounded and I saw Hooper get into the cage on the small tv they had and I thought about how great it would be to experience this ride.

There would be no greater moment in my 12 year old life as I watched the door open. A man stepped out and...

     "Okay folks, I'm sorry to say the ride is officially down 

for the day. We're sorry for the inconvenience. 

Enjoy the rest of the park and have a wonderful day."

My.heart.broke. There were no words for how sad I was. I became Sweeney Todd in that scene where he looked openly depressed while sitting on the beach and doing other bright fun looking stuff.
We went to other exhibits and went on rides and I doubt I uncrossed my arms even once.Looking back, it must have been really insulting to my mom and I didn't want to be but I was so so angry and sad and absolutely heart broken. That was our only day at Universal Studios so even if they fixed it the next day I would never get to experience the one reason I even wanted to enter the state of Florida.

Literally the only thing I thought about when I was told we were going there was that one ride.If it had rained and was terrible on the day we went to Disney and I had to get a root canal the day after Universal, going on that ride once would have made that the best trip ever.

But no. The ride shut down many years and I never had the chance to go on it ever.

     So I won in a sense, I got to go to Disney and see a ton of things that anyone else wold have loved. And I did have a little bit of fun before that...but...I lost on the ONE thing I didn't just want to see, I was dying to see. So I lost even though I won.

The Introvert/Extrovert In Me

     So I often feel the need to write when I'm in immediate negativity, which is why this diary is heavily leaning on the sad side but I do have good things in my life and Saturday was a decently (yes, I made that word up. No, that wasn't a typo. Yes, you can use it) good day.

     I went to Center City with some friends and we had a really good time just goofing around. I have become a hardcore introvert over the last few years and being out in public usually makes me want to be invisible, let alone making a scene. So getting to go out and sing and dance and make silly jokes and be outgoing and not care is a very rare thing for me. I got to do that in Philly. And more importantly, I had fun doing it.

I've had a few times in the last few years where I've been out with people and pretended to be somewhat outgoing and while I looked like I was doing fine, internally I was either freaking out and trying to find a place to hide or I just plain hated what ever was going on. That's never been because of whoever I was around, but the blunt truth is I'm so not comfortable being the 'life of the party' type. I'm not saying I was the life of the small party but I didn't feel the burning need to become invisible or miserable for not wanting to be wherever I was. That's pretty big for me.

     To put my internal works into protective, ten years ago I could have maybe 10 days out of a month where I had good days. Days when I felt outgoing and was able to step outside of my head. And skipping ahead to this year, I can think of 2 days where I even came close to being able to step outside of my discomfort. Yesterday was one of those days and the year is almost over, we're in August.

     Another good thing about yesterday is that I kinda felt like I have my friend a good day too. Maybe I'm being self centered and I'm wrong about this (although I hope that's not the case) but it feels really good to know I've helped my friends when in a way that they actually need. I feel very useless in society lately so to actually feel like something I did was actually useful, that's really cool.

     I was supposed to be somewhere else, doing something else and that had me really bummed so it's cool that while I was missing out on something I really wanted to do, I turned that into a really good day and a lot of fun. The only downside was the heat but I'll take being sweaty and having fun over being comfortable with the temperature and miserable.

It was a good day. I needed that.