I'm Alone and I'm an Easy Target

     So, here I sit. Alone. And not only alone but alone and thinking about things. That's never good.

I often examine my life and my choices, I consider this a good trait about me...cool, right? I'm giving myself props for something. Yup. But...

There's always another side to things and the flip side of examining things is that I think and overthink the negative stuff in my life; things that can't be changed, the things I've done wrong and things that I expected to be a certain way that didn't even come close.

   One thing that scares me more than most thoughts is:

When I do something, whether it's lie to someone or choose something that is quickly proven to be the wrong choice or even pure accidents like dropping something and knowing that no matter how okay things are in that moment or the moments right after...things are about to be absolutely the worst. Because I'm me, I'm gonna use a hockey analogy here.

   Picture this: a defense man has the puck at the blue line. His stick lifts up to take a big slap shot and for a second he takes his eyes off of where the puck is and off of any opposing players near him. Just as his stick is as far from the ice as can be, an opposing player sneaks in and pushes the puck behind that defense man and that skater is speeding toward the other goal tender.

Now if you're not a hockey player or fan, this is one of the worst feelings in the game. You just caused a possible goal against your team and, depending on the situation, that could lead to your team losing a game or a playoff series. The few seconds between the puck being stolen from you and the result of that are the absolute worst, in my opinion. In those moments, things are okay; no goals are scored and you haven't caused any harm to your team...yet.

Now take that analogy and apply it to my thought pattern. I have made mistakes in my life, like not taking advantage of  opportunities when I had them that didn't affect me for a while but have since caught up to me and no matter what I do after that, all I can do is know I messed up before.

That's all the 'completely my fault' stuff, THEN add in the things that were never in my control and we have the disaster that is my life/existence. Things like my gender dysphoria and my early family life, these things have directly aided abandonment issues, inability to understand certain thing or trust people and more.

Sitting here, on my floor tonight, I have spent a few hours examining my situation and...spoiler alert: it's not a good evaluation.

I have no close friends and anyone who comes into my life either gets pure cling from me or I curse them by bringing them down. (I know it sounds crazy but I honestly believe I am cursed, everyone that invests in me gets bogged down when I enter their life more than casually and the moment they get me out of their regular life, their life gets considerably better. I have more than a few people and families worth of proof.)

I can't work a normal job because I get migraines and have anxiety, both of which I did to myself. Migraines come from post concussion syndrome, I got many concussions years ago and still to this day am heavily affected and the anxiety comes from me being broken mentally. I also put myself in funks by thinking about dark things and leading my thoughts into dark places, clearly not with the intent to build anxiety or stress but I still do it, nonetheless.

I have trouble understanding fairly easy things and have trouble conversing with people because I have trouble coming up with the words I want to use, I'm slow.

I'm a glutton for punishment; I fall 'in love' with women I have absolutely no chance with and not in the 'putting myself down' kind of way, it's the this is clearly not right and not going to work even if a relationship would start' kind of thing. I fall for girls who are very very out of my league and push
 them away to avoid being hurt or hurting them (remember the curse? I usually like the girls I fall for so I don't want them to be hurt by my curse), so what I do is obsess about someone but don't say anything and it eats me from the inside out and I act weird and awkward and end up looking and seeming very unlikeable or just plain creepy.

Oh, and for fun there are a few girls that I possibly could have ended up with but ruined those chances a long long time ago and now I have to see them happy and either with someone else happily or I can only quietly check their social media to make sure they're okay...er okay enough to post things publicly.

Aaaand then there's what's wrong with me, I am absolutely, undoubtedly not worth anyone's time. I can't drive (between not being smart enough to pass the written test and having what I very much believe to be dyslexia, I don't have my license and don't believe I ever will), I am not a role model or a good teacher, I rent a basement of someone's house and will probably never have enough to even pay for a date.

     Another analogy I often imagine to explain my life is Super Mario Bros. When you play and jump

 at the wrong time, too early to be exact, and you are in the air but know you won't make it to the platform you need to land on in order to continue; that's my life.I'm alive and well...right now. And that's not a threat of me ending anything, that's me saying things are not far from crashing.

The picture I'm using for this is perfect, at the very second this screen shot was taken, Mario was alive and had not died yet but there is absolutely nothing that can be done by this point to fix the mistake that was made.

   None of this is meant to be any kind of goodbyes or admission of anything, this is the darkness in my mind and this is currently where I am emotionally/mentally. I'm trying so hard to fight through this but the more I keep these thoughts locked in my head, the worse it gets. This entire blog is about getting the demons out of the depths and darkness of my mind, I highly reccomend if anyone else reads this and feels even close to this way, find your way to get the demons out of your bubble whether it's writing or art or talking to someone or whatever you can. And message me, I'm here for you if you need it. Never think you have to deal with darkness alone. Though...honestly, right now I feel like I am.

Good night.

An Update and a Vacay

Date: Sunday June 9th 2019 Starting at 8:35 am

     So it is finally here! I'm officially on vacation from work and have been since Friday at 3:00 pm. Awesome! That's enough, right? Nooope! I'm also just a little over 24 hours away from getting on a plane and going to Washington DC. Sounds great, right? NOT DONE YET! Once in DC I, and my cousin, will be waiting about an hour and then taking another plane to HAWAII! Yussss!!! I'm taking an actual vacation! A real one and a very big one!

     We've got so many plans for this trip and it's gonna be so great to get away and enjoy all that Hawaii has to offer us.  We'll be visiting Waikiki Beach (where Kurt Cobain was married among other awesome things), we'll be swimming with sharks, seeing the Pearl Harbor Memorial and so much more that I can hardly wait to experience. Two friends and I will have so much video and so many pictures from the next two weeks; I'm so excited to just be somewhere else, somewhere so different from all I'd ever experienced in my life.

     No for my current life situation: Yesterday I found out I'm going to be moving today. Not far and it's a guaranteed place to go so that's a good thing, although it's not exactly the best possible situation. I'm gonna try to make the best of it. I need to get a portable air conditioner and a new couch, bed and figure out a way to get my projector screen hung in a concrete basement. The "projector life" has been really eye opening for me and I don't want to lose that but I'm gonna have to get real creative with it at the new place.

     It's been very surreal for the last year and a half, I've lived at my current residence with my landlord since November 2017 though I was supposed to be here for two weeks. My landlord reminds me of my Uncle so much that at times while I was living in his home, I forgot it wasn't Uncle Mike for moments. It's wild! His mannerisms and his life structure and the words he uses and his generosity, they are all reminiscent of the only man I've ever truly seen as "family" (not including my cousin since it's kind of recent that he's been so important to my life. Recent being within 7 or 8 years out of my 37 years of life so far)

     So it's pretty bittersweet not living with him anymore and not getting to see and play with his dog anymore and adding that I've spent a year building my room into a nearly perfect theater/place to record videos/stay cool, it's going to take some time to fix this new place up. And I know I probably sound negative about this, I am excited to have to be creative with some things and have a definite place (for a little bit cheaper too), this isn't too too bad of a situation.

     The last thing that's been a big focus for me lately is my upcoming Youtube channel revamp. If you'll notice, I'm using a new picture at the top of this diary entry, one that says "Journey of LIFE"
I'm very very excited to be currently working on episodes, I have been forming what I think is a great new idea for a little while now. I have a structure that I hope people like and watch and it is my way of giving back to this sometimes too negative universe.


     A little about "Journey of LIFE:

We all have a story, fantastic experiences that should be known and shared. Sometimes it's because we need help, sometimes one story can encourage someone else or lets someone else know they're not alone in a way, sometimes we need to be uplifted by a success story or even the chance to help someone who we can help in some way. My hope is through me learning about new things and hearing from people who have stories that people watching will be encouraged to keep going and continue to create their own great story.

     In wanting to encompass a wide array of  what life has to offer, I'm going to have a format that brings you a different topic every week.

-the first week will be focused on discussion/debate. I plan to open up my mind by testing my own beliefs at times and just hearing someone else's personal journey. I'm excited to find out what people have been through and how they were able to get to where they are today!

-the second week of every month will showcase a pop culture themed episode. From movie reviews to music conversation and news to art and artistic history to short films and actors; this one is going to be great since I'm eager to bring my version of imagination to the world, hopefully you like it.

-the third week will mainly a personal look into my life. I'll be posting v logs there and potentially sharing guests' personal struggles/triumphs.

-And the 4th week will be dedicated to activities, athletics and active projects.

Through all of this, I hope viewers learn a little something or are encouraged and maybe laugh a little here and there. That was a shameless plug but it's what I've been planning and working on lately that I'm really excited about.

There will be a part 2 to this...can't make any promises of when but there will be.

To be continued...

The Horizons, They are Definitely Interesting

     Well, I'm coming back. This is indeed going to be a much more positive entry than before and I am happy to admit (yes, admit. It's actually really hard for me to claim positive accomplishments and positive...anything really) that things are on a wildly progressive or uplifting. Simply put, things are going good.

The routine I've used here is to talk about my feelings, problems or thoughts and then give a life update. And since I'm a slave to tradition, that's how I'm gonna roll today. So...

So I've been working on gathering intangible things that I've needed for so long.
   I've gotten myself a decent job that suits me perfectly right now. I have a little bit of freedom with a flexible and fairly open schedule and I am doing things that are actively teaching me a lot.

   I am getting my health insurance back and will get back on the medicine that helped me before so much in my ability to be productive.

Not my actual new glasses

   I got glasses, which has made it possible for me to do my job and also has helped me in so many ways I didn't understand before I had them. It sounds like a no brainer but for so long I had no choice and just had to deal with my very very poor sight. And I made it...barely. I missed a lot more than I realized.

   I started going to the gym and have been dedicating regular time to it. This has been a great encouragement to be able to get there 5 days a week or more I have always struggled with ambition and motivation for some reason. I used to picture it like there were bottles in every person's body and each one was filled with motivation or ambition or talent or abilities or other things like that and mine was broken and nothing could cause mine to actually fill up fully/stay filled for more than a very little bit. This made sense because for years even when I had things to look forward to or had clear goals ahead, I'd still lose the ability to stay motivated enough to fight for things I needed to fight for.

   One small thing that may seem so minute or not worth mentioning is drawing. For the lat few weeks, I've been getting to work about 2 hours early, sitting in my break room and drawing abstract
art till it's time to clock in. The reasons it's so big for me are: it gives me time to cool down, gets any bad vibes out of my head and gives me time to breathe and relax before work. This practice truly has given me an ability to deal with things much better than before. The therapeutic results of putting my pen to paper is a big reason I'm able to do the next positive thing as well right now.

   I've been able to handle and deal with negative things that pop up. Friday morning on my way to work (it's about a 2 mile bike ride from the train to my job) I ran over what turned out to be a GIANT piece of glass and my tire instantly popped. That kind of thing could put me down in so many ways

and in the past that has been the kind of thing that would cause a depression and a slide into the worst. I've closed myself even deeper into the darkness that eats away at me, many things at a time. I've been unable to go to work or call and felt so confined in the darkest place in my mind and lose everything quickly.

Friday, I walked to work (justifiably angrily), went in, worked, called a bike place near where I live, left my bike there and had my cousin pick it up later and moved on with my life. I got it fixed Saturday morning and it even ended up costing about half the price I expected.

The thing I'm taking away from that situation is I didn't shut down emotionally, I dealt with it and didn't let it ruin my mood...after about an hour anyway; I was sooo ready to fight anyone that walked near me for a little bit.

   And here's the most surprising thing I've dealt with recently; a person who was my boss at an old job reached out to me. At first I wanted to let this person know all the negative things I had to say and be brutally honest in telling former boss every angry thought I had from when we worked together.

Here's a quick recap of why I wanted to jump on the chance to say some stuff to former boss:

     I worked at a job not too long ago where I was pushed to limits in ways I saw as very unfair and very mean. Certain managers were doing things both on a personal level and on a professional level that made my job beyond just difficult and frankly hurt my feelings.

I'm being vague because though I had a very bad 

time at the hands of certain people, I don't 

think it's right to bad mouth someone and it's 

even worse to talk about them when they have no 

way to defend their actions at the moment. I didn't 

and still don't know the while story and I'm 

not trying to say that because things were 

really bad then, they are bad people. 

Back to the story...

So this person sent me a friend request, so to speak, on social media and I was shocked. The last time I had any communication with this boss, I was scheduled to work one morning and I saw that they cut my hours so much that I wasn't going to be able to pay bills...so I walked out and that was the end of my time at that job. Three years there and I just walked out without saying a word.

I got the request and my first thought was, "Oooh now I can say all the stuff I wanted to say before!" I was ready to demolish that person and leave them with a mic drop message. I smartly took a little bit of time before responding and calmed down a little; I messaged that person later that night and I was brutally honest in questioning the friendship request but I didn't attack or say "all the things I wanted to say" but instead just questioned if the request was by accident.

They responded and basically said they missed me as a friend and they understood my somewhat angry message, causing me to asses what I was really mad about. Since the day I walked out, my life has gotten better and enough time had passed that any repercussions from everything that happened then was over.

I thought about this:

     I could have gotten all the brutal things out to them in that message. I could have told my former boss off without any worry about that person impacting my schedule/pay. I could have said anything to them and felt like I "won" but what then? Then that person either responds with anger and fights back or they walk away being beaten. That person took a chance at possibly being rejected by being the one to request a connection and they were at least more vulnerable (though it's a very small way, they were).

I thought about what I would gain by getting back at them now and it left me with a temporary good feeling and an empty feeling when I considered after that one response. I don't want to be like that, I actually got along really well that person before things went really badly and I would be closing the door on any chance at a friendship ever. Winning has never been my hope in life, just like making money has never been a motivation for me.

So after the initial message, I explained that I was just shocked by the request. I told that person that I can put the past behind me and I'd like to be friends. And at the end of a few more messages back and forth, we are gonna hang out. I could have held a grudge and lost a potential friend...but why? What would that do for me as a person?

I'd rather let go of that stupid grudge and re-connect with a person who was a good friend at one time. I won in such a more real and deeper way and I'm actually really happy about that. Also, I found out after I sent that first message that I have become so good at cutting people out of my life that I put that person in a box in my mind without thinking. When I gave myself a moment to actually feel, I realized I missed them and didn't WANT to cut them out.

Sometimes, I do things on autopilot that I might not actually want to but because it becomes the routine, I do it.

     At this very moment (Saturday May 25th 2019) I am 17 days away from my first big vacation. I, along with two good friends, am going to Hawaii and I could not be more excited! I also have plans to go to see the Grand Canyon in November and a BIG trip in 2022...but that's another story for another time.

Work has been really good and I'm moving about two blocks away some time in the near future. I have been fine tuning daily routines such as when I get to work, what I eat and my workout routine. The more I sharpen my life in little ways, the better I have become as a person.

I'm so close to getting my health insurance back and once I do, I'll be able to take medicine I need, migraine medicine and allergy meds.

I've been working on my YouTube future plans, I'm really excited about getting my vision out of my head and into the digital world. I have some decent plans that I hope I can share with the YouTube world and possibly find some way to gain a following. I'm gathering episodes now and I'm currently looking for guests who want to get their story and knowledge out there for fans to watch and relate to or learn from. It's gonna be good!

And finally I'm trying to figure out how to be happy, like actually happy Through my gender issues and understanding how to do things I want to do for myself, I've been trying to make myself a better person. I've been working on small things from training my voice, learning how to makeup better and better and how to accept compliments to big things like lose weight and eat better. So far so good. 

     The best thing to happen today is I finally gave in and signed up for my own internet so hopefully I won't be left in the dark like I have for the last few weeks.  Hopefully you'll be hearing from me more through this blog, instagram and YouTube (Knock on wood)

An Update and a Bright Future! I'm Hoping for it

     So it's been a minute or two...I haven't had Internet access to post but I have a day to get online so here I am.

I've been through a bunch since last time I posted, I'm not even sure where to start. Let's see (thinking about where I was when I posted last) . . .

     Well, I quit my job after some absolute garbage went down with my former bosses and had about 3 weeks off before getting a new one; a MUCH better one. I get paid a bit more and I don't have to be a cashier! I joined a gym that's RIGHT next to work, making it so easy to go from work to the gym every weekday.

     Aaaaand the most fun news I have is I'm taking a vacation, a real one. As of Friday May 17th 2019 in 25 days, I'm going with two people to HAWAII!!!!! And I could not be more excited!

I've never taken a real vacation so this is really big for me. We're gonna visit the Pearl Harbor Memorial, see Waikiki Beach, swim with sharks (in and out of a cage), climb a volcano and go to as many luaus as possible!

 My cousin and I have planned a few trips that ended up not working out for mostly money reasons but this time we planned it out and have already paid for everything over the last year so it's set and we just have to make it through the next 25 days...sounds easy, right? Yesterday felt like 4 days long.

Life update:

     I've been really working at my depression, the quitting my old job was a big, yet scary, step.
Getting my health insurance back so I can get back on the meds I need is a great next step and the gym has been helping depression issues in a way.

     Now for the not so good part of this fight, it hasn't been all great in the last few months. I go through phases where I hide from everyone or can't seem to speak out when I need someone around or I don't have anyone to talk to. A few weeks ago, I went through the scariest night in a long time, I was hurting over things and I'm typing this now feeling so far from that night because if I had a way to end myself, I would have.

I was ready to give up and if I had a gun or something like that...I was so numb from emotional pain that I would have followed through with almost anything. It took me about two days to come down from that and I don't even know quite how I came down from that terrifying ledge. God only knows and I thank HIM for not letting me find a way to end myself that night.

I am trying to show myself that I

have a future to look forward to and think about the things I have in my life to enjoy/the people who have stuck by me through so much.

Future plans:

     Well, my trip to HAWAII is coming up then the next big plan is to start my legal name change process. I was going to do it a few months ago but decided to wait till after the trip because I have terrible luck and I was afraid it would affect my passport, which would mess with everything. So that's the next big thing.

Then I'm deciding on either moving to Canada next as my main objective OR taking a very long trip in 2022 (MY year) and then working on my move. That's all very up in the air and can be changed but I do know this: I'm making 2022 the best year ever!

That's about all I got so far, lots of positive things to think about and focus on!

Till next time...

A New Chapter, A New Beginning

     So...I am entering a new chapter in my life and it's scary, interesting, terrifying and about a hundred other adjectives. What? You wanna know what led me into a new direction that will undoubtedly change the course of my entire life and being? Well, since you asked nicely: alriiiight.

Let me take you back in time not too long ago but just long enough to explain things.

     Imagine, if you will, a trans girl (biological male, for those of you who can't get past that fact. Yes I can admit that fact about myself, and yes I will be referring to myself as a trans girl. Deal with it) who works a retail job. Are you imagining it? Good, gold star for listening.

Now imagine that trans girl having issues with the position she's been placed in and rationally making it very clear to powers that be; Imagine she works very hard to make customers happy and also acknowledges that she has some issues that she needs to be better at (and is trying, successful or not...trying).

Stay with me, imagine that this trans girl has a few issues with customers who accused her of things that she did not do and the powers that be didn't even listen for a second to her side and made up their minds that she was guilty of these ridiculous claims before attempting (in the most fake and absurd manner) to get her side of said issues. And now visualize that this trans girl takes verbal rebuke. And then maybe two or three weeks later she has one more issue with a customer and the same result occurs.

At that point, trans retail worker starts trying harder to make it clear to the powers that be that she needs to be in another position, not by complaining or being rude to customers even though they are relentless at that imaginary retail place of business, but she jumps on the opportunity whenever she gets to do other positions so well that coworkers and other bosses take notice at just how good she did. So her attempts go noticed and powers that be say, "We'll get you off (the worst position that you're having trouble with) and get you in the position that you excel highly in."

A very happy trans girl takes those words to heart and when she doesn't get that position change, she tries to stay calm and thinks, "Okay, eventually (powers that be) will live up to their words and put me in other positions." and she happily continues in the worst position; the position that she has had issues with both from customers creating problems and through her having some trouble with her attitude/limit to being verbally treated very badly.

She tries to keep her head up and be positive even though weeks go by with powers that be not doing what they said...and then...a thing happens (or so she's told) that pushes trans girl to the very edge of her limits. A customer (it still has yet to be proven that this customer exists, but I digress) says they won't come to the particular retail store because of this talked about trans girl; it is said by the powers that be that trans girl "refused" to give this alleged customer something that trans girl has NO REASON to refuse, nor has trans girl EVER refused any customer ever.

In fact, trans girl takes offense to this claim because she takes great pride in giving customers the exact thing she was accused of "refusing" Upon being approached by the powers that be, she was not given the respect of being listened to when asked why she "refused" to give the customer certain service. Trans girl had taken the verbal punishment before and held back as much as she had in her but this, boys and girls reading this, was quickly nearing a breaking point.

So while being told (not asked or given any benefit of the doubt in any way; guilty until...nope, just guilty even though she absolutely wasn't) that she "refused" to give the service that she had never denied, trans girl wasn't able to hold her tongue enough and pushed the powers that be back verbally. She admittedly wasn't polite when told she did things she would never do; imagine trans girl was clearly frustrated beyond what someone should have to take from their powers that be.

Imagine that from that moment on, the powers that be decided to not only take things personal by not speaking to her and doing petty, incredibly odiously rude things like talking about trans girl on social media websites then deleting her (yeah, trans girl was friend requested a while before by one power that be and while still "friends" powers that be posted trash talk about trans girl, specifically mentioning things about her in very childish, rude words)

Along with being treated like less than every other employee by certain powers that be, trans girl's hours went from about 35-37 to 13 in the span of two weeks. That's a very drastic slash in hours and over the next three schedules, those hours went from 13 to 11 down to 7, respectively. So trans girl decides things need to take a GIGANTIC step towards a new chapter in her life...and here we are in the present.

From those powers that be deciding to do everything they can to make her miserable to cutting her hours drastically

     (on more than three different occasions they cut HER hours 

even though other coworkers did blatant things that could 

have deserved having their hours cut, like cursing at 

customers and not showing up for their scheduled shifts 

regularly...but those powers that be didn't show ANY 

bias whatsoever...none. Just sayin)

     I hope you enjoyed my story and I hope it has a happy ending some day in the near future, at least for trans girl...nah, I'm not good at hating on most people so I truly hope the powers that be find a way to be happy too and treat others with respect and dignity in the future. I'm pretty sure that those specific powers that be chose to be exactly that way to trans girl and not to anyone else so maybe by her changing her course of life, she takes their negativity away from them  as much as removing herself from it. I also hope for no harm or bad karma to come to anyone involved.

Prayers, good thoughts and comments are welcome as always, thank you for taking the time to read my words.

What Now? The Next Step.

     Where do I go from here? Good question, right? I've asked that to myself and prayed to God so many times I can't count.  I got to the edge, I stared at it, I found some way not to go over that edge and I stepped back. But then what. Amirite?

If you've ever gone through suicidal near deaths before, you know there's a relief and possibly people are there for you...at first. AT FIRST. After that initial win, there's often the 'getting back to normal 

life' part that isn't real easy, but you get through the first 'normal day' and kinda get back into your routine.

Then...the next steps are often overlooked or treated as not nearly as big as stepping away from the edge. That step is VITALLY, desperately and visualizationally SOOO important! (I make up words, let it go.)

It's vital because if there's no plan in place, no reason to still be here, nothing to be excited about further than "I didn't die." that's where thoughts of trying again become big and whether they start from the beginning or they unpause from the moment you walked away from the edge, those feelings will only get stronger.

That next step or continued excitement is visualizationally important because visualizing a future with yourself IN IT needs to be palpable. 

Visualizationally - describing 

something being able to be 

visualized or imagined as a potential truth.

     So you're at that point where you've gotten back into your groove or rut and you're doing the daily things like before and you get to that moment where you think, " Okay, I'm back to routine and things

are better than when they were worse...but...what now?"

There two parts to this that you can do to take control of this step, one is completely in your power to be the authority and the 2nd part is not as easy to be the total leader of but CAN be done. Neither are even close to easy, but these WILL make the "What' now?!" so much less powerful over you.

This is where you have to find something to be excited about and look forward to. Find a new job, challenge yourself to small winnable tests: like try new food every day or say hello to 200 people in one day or listen to a new song from a new band every day or something personal to you and something that specifically makes you happier than you were before. 

Do whatever you can to have fun with this part,  make yourself laugh with the crazy, silly ideas and do them. And don't feel bad if you make very small goals, like writing in a blog or cleaning a small part of your room or something like that...not that I suggested those because those are two of my personal goals in this step. 

Getting those wins really can be a huge encouragement and help you get through each day with a different focus or a different way of looking at life. Stay calm and don't get down on yourself if you set small goals and don't get to them right away, if you don't clean your room today you have tomorrow to work on it. 

The 2nd part of this step is, in a way, a little less in your control: surround yourself with a person or people who will help you get better, feel better and be better. In some cases, that means stepping away from old friends who drag you down or who don't support you and sometimes that means finding someone and basically saying to them, "I'm not doing too well right now and I'll probably be miserable but I'm asking you to hang out with me and help cheer me up. Pretty much just be here for me no matter what."

It's not always easy to reach out, I know this more than you think BUT it will get you closer to being better than you were before; and that's the goal, to make yourself better than you were before. 

Aaaand here's where I share a part of my heart with you and let you know why I'm writing this.

     Two reasons:

1.) Because I have been there and I would never wish these scary feelings on my worst enemies so if my experiences and thought help even one person, I will do this forever.

2.) Because a few weeks ago, I again was at the edge and I nearly didn't walk away from that. No one knew, I didn't go to a hospital and I don't have any physical scars to show for that day. I was standing in front of the train after having a day that proved to me just how worthless I am to the world and I saw the train coming closer quickly.

I saw it and imagined  what this world would be like without me in it and things in my mind got quite a bit worse after that thought too, there's no reason to get into just how dark things got. So I saw the train and I was emotionally ready to...well, I was ready to go. And I even got as close as putting my purse and bike down as it roared closer.

With tears in my eyes, I got scared and stepped back literally. I thought about what I wanted vs what I felt like I wanted. I wanted to die...except that wasn't the truth; I wanted to not feel worthless and I wanted to be happy and I wanted to be comfortable and I wanted to be able to live. None of those actual wants involved me ruining the life and mind of the little girl standing on the train platform not too far from me, none of those involved my friend's kids having to learn at some point that I took my own life and none of those wants involved  me giving up...in Edgewater Park, New Jersey on a Tuesday.

None of that is what I wanted or want, that's what the misery in me wants. I want good things and because I was going through some very hard times and because my bosses are bullying me and being very immature at work and because a lot of people I thought were friends haven't thought about me enough to send a text to even say hi and because it seems like every time I try to do a good thing 273 things happen that just destroy whatever I did...because of those things and a few more things, I thought, "I'll never get rid of these things so the next best thing is to end myself." 

Boiling down that twisted thought, what that says is I don't WANT to die, I just don't want to be unhappy and have no future. And so as much as I want to say I'm all better now, I'm actually in the phase I'm talking about throughout this entire diary entry. I'm talking to me just as much as anyone else who may read this.

You are not alone. You are not wrong or stupid or worthless and you definitely should step away from that edge and try looking at the world (your world specifically) in a different way; look between the lines and find out what you truly want. I'm betting on you wanting good things, even though it may be hidden by bitterness from horrible things. Don't let this world win. Please. Help me, let me help you, ask for help and help someone. 

It. will be worth it.

...to be continued...

Positivity and Toxicity

     So it's a new year. It's that time of year when I reject the word that shall not be spoken, probably somewhat because I am a hipster who fights popularity but also because I resolve myself to do things regularly throughout the whole year in short bursts. 

This particular year things happen to have occurred at this exact time and I'm going to make some decrees right now, so...I guess you could say I'm making "a resolution"...I guess

     Since late November, negativity has been growing both in me and toward me. On the outward side, I've had my hours cut at work by a boss who made up reasons to make me look worse than I am to either hurt me financially or get me fired, I've said goodbye to my closest friends and watched them start a new chapter in their life which I am predicting will end my part in their life as a close friend, I've had people I thought were my friends show their true colors about me in a really disrespectful way, I've lost a good amount of the passion that makes me who I am and it's getting really really hard to be patient with my transition that is going slower than molasses.

I've explained or will explain most of these in other diary entries but to list out ALL the stuff I've dealt with JUST SINCE LATE NOVEMBER...it's been a rough few weeks. And that's just the last few weeks, the previous 47 weeks weren't much better.

     Some of these things and some of the negativity that happens is unavoidable, it's part of life, but some of that can be fixed in the future. My goal for the near future is to start from within and
examine all of the negativity that passes through my life and work on what I CAN work on. I know my attitude needs to be better, that's something I can work on starting today and constantly reshape.

Being more honest, open and friendly even when I don't necessarily want to be is another thing I am going to start immediately. These are just a few traits I am looking at that can help change the negativity that has been destroying my soul, things I can do completely for free and no matter what happens each day.

     And my next big piece to eradication of negativity in my life comes in the form of toxicity.

The definition of toxicity is the quality, state or relative degree of being poisonous. And that is EXACTLY what has been in my life in the form of some people. AND I am currently doing what it takes to change my life so that toxicity and drama is farther and as far from me as I can keep 'em.

Now I'm going to explain that I am in no way changing my stance on freedom to disagree with me or my decision. I have many friends who do not agree with my decision to transition, they don't condone my actions and I respect their freedom to make that choice just as much as they respect my choice to do what I believe is right for me to survive and be happy in my life.

To explain what I'm not okay with, I'll use an example here: I don't care if someone refuses to use the gender pronoun I prefer, that's their choice and I won't force someone to do something they find wrong morally. But when someone goes beyond that and uses gender pronouns or uses my (soon to be former) male name in an effort to insult or hurt me or as a fight against me, that's what I will not tolerate in my personal bubble.

This does not mean I will do anything physical, this does not mean I or anyone else should be allowed to do anything physical. I am NOT saying anything even close to that, violence will never be a legal or moral answer to rudeness, misgendering, 'dead naming' or anything like that. This means I am not allowing the people that use their freedom as nothing more than an insult or a verbal fight at me to enter my personal bubble. Those people won't get  responses from me when they text me, they won't get answers to calls and they won't get my time or energy to explain how they are hurt me.
Those people don't deserve that, not when they betrayed me even after I opened up in the most vulnerable and honest and respectful way possible.


...okay....that was a pretty harsh rant. Give yourself a gold star if you've read this far.

     The positive part is...here...Okay so here's the where I reflect on the good stuff and mention want I want to continue to focus on and/or work harder on.

-My cousin has been an absolute inspiration, without him I don't even want to imagine where I'd be and it's really important to me that I help him when I'm able. I don't really have many...err any reasons to get up in the morning lately, so to  try to make his life better in ways kinda makes that a little less sad. It's more selfish than it sounds, don't be too surprised.

-So I'm not a gamer at all, I've had a ps2 for years and loved it but found it was FINALLY time to move up. I bought a ps3 and borrowed a few games. I'm loving having it and all the perks that I haven't had before. Again, go easy on me...I'm wayy behind the times. I do that on purpose; I could save up and go get a ps4 or XBox 1 this year but I'll wait a few years for that.

-I've been trying very very hard to be more honest in everyday life. It's not easy to say things when I find myself in situations where telling coworkers things that will help in the long run but in the moment aren't easy...that probably sounded confusing but I promise it makes sense and it's a really good thing.

-I have a board (I'm using it as a portable desk kind of thing) that I glued small photos of everyone and everythi9ng I love onto for about 11 years and I gave it away to one of the most special and importasnt people in my life as a going away present; now I have a new board and I'm working on decorationg it. Here's to the next 11-15 years, though I doubt I'll meet anyopne that means as much as Tre Dizzle.

Ok, I'm sure there's more but I'm gonna stop before I write a novel and end up missing the next 7 days of work in the process...stay tuned for more written antics in the near future...

Unintentional Learning

     I have this memory, from whenever I was in school and I walked into a lunch room. Not just one specific time but many, many times throughout many different schools and across so many stages of my life. I would walk in to a full or filling lunch room and see groups of friends sitting down; talking or laughing or showing each other something they think their friends like. Kids would walk in behind me and be called to, motioned to sit next to friends. I'd see some kids sitting down without being asked, because they didn't have to be called over or ask to sit down and I remember watching that be cool with whomever they sat by.

...then there was me...

Each second became harder, somehow, to find a place to belong. I tried so hard to just be invisible so I could survey the area without being noticed. But as I have learned, I can't will myself to be unseen. I felt the awkward pouring over me, I felt kids' eyes hitting me and I felt the panic of the fact that even though I looked out of place; like I just needed ONE person (not friend, because...what's that) to pity me and ask me to sit with them...they didn't care.

All that I just explained took seconds, maybe a minute in real time but to me every single time that happened it was longer than any clock had to show. And it wasn't the fact that I was awkward that hurt so much, it wasn't that I needed to sit or even that I had no friends (most of the time at least) It was the fact that no one cared enough for real to help me out of that misery. Even people who claimed to be 'my friend' didn't care if I was going through those torturous moments.

So I learned that I was able to make myself invisible. My superpower, right?! There were times when I would stand in a corner of a cafeteria, lean against a wall and eat my lunch and not one person would say a word to me. I wish I could say this is just a metaphor or an exaggerated example of things that happened but this has happened to me many times, in real life. And it hurt worse every time I went through it.

     If that was just a memory and I was hurt but learned from it, that's cool. But it affected me in a pretty big way. Dissecting what that did to me:

-I learned that there's no sympathy for people like that (like me) and for some time I was actually scared that I might be a sociopath because I developed the ability to just not care, like there was some switch and I found a way to turn it off.

-I learned that I don't matter to people. I heard people talk about how they could never just ignore someone when they have no friends but those were some of the same people who saw me standing there and had absolutely no emotional reaction to seeing someone on the brink of panic attacks or on the verge of giving up and they didn't even flinch. If they can't handle seeing someone in pain and don't have even an inkling of emotion when they see me...they're not the problem, I am.

-I learned to avoid groups all together or to show that I don't want to be in groups.

-I learned to hide from social situations and eventually I learned to hide from situations that hurt me the same way, even when it wasn't as bad as I thought it felt like it to me and it hurt the same as if it was the worst case scenario.

-I learned to shut down when an overwhelming amount of emotional weight hit me the way it did then.

     And these are just a few things that I unintentionally leanred from those seemingly small moments. Those teachings have bled into areas of my life that I am told regularly "You need to just stop." except there's no second part to those commands, the part that explains how to 'just stop' and I'm left learning that I'm not good enough even stronger...like a terrible truth on steroids. HULK SMASH all over me again and again.

Meditation

     I'm still here.

That's not just an introduction to my week's thoughts or some topic I have been thinking about, it's...a sad and true statement that I considered not being able to type. I'm sorry for this but the truth is the past few weeks have put me on the edge of a metaphorical cliff. One that I thought I was away from, err further from, and I considered giving up.

     I'm not proud of that last paragraph, just having to admit that made it easier to think about giving up and harder to be able to type "I'm still here."

     This drawing is one I created recently during a very positive message by a close friend and my current (soon to be former) pastor. The message was uplifting and led me to think about my beliefs and how they should be stronger...but this was lurking in the depths of myself and for those of you who do not interpret this, I'll explain it.

             This picture depicts everything being dead no matter what. The red circle is 

life and it's meant to be positive and healing and loving but that one thing that is trying 

to help and wants to help and is made to help is being hit by lightning, the trees and 

the roots and the little things that grew naturally were born sick and came up 

like zombie plants. And the only thing they have to look forward to is watching that 

one helpful thing either being hurt for trying or watching it leave; all hope is 

either killed or abandons the nearly dead plants. The X's are hatred, negativity, 

soul sucking sadness ready to drag anything and everything into the ground 

to exist with only misery...that's the full meaning of this piece of art.

     I'm not saying this to gain any sympathy, I'm attempting to grow from this recent attack on my inner most pain. Today (Thursday, October 11th 2018) I started meditating. I want to learn to focus all the stress and all the distractions and all the negativity/things/people trying to hurt me away from my heart. I did what every millennial would do (I'm not one but I live in their world so...) and I searched on YouTube for meditation videos. 

I found a 3 video series by a channel called 'Picking Up Limes' and watched them; the first 2 were okay and helped me focus and start to calm down but the 3rd one brought a thought up that made me really examine something about me. 

     Every single act I commit, I commit with as much strength as I have behind it. I thought about how I play and have played forever: when I used to go into the ocean, I played this silly game in my mind where I was superman and the waves were thrown at me by some super villain...and before you ask, yes I still do this at 36 years old...it was goofy and it was for funzies but when the waves hit me, I stood up with my chest puffed out and out strength'd each wave.

     This is silly, right? Just something most kids do, right? Probably and by itself there's no problem...but...then there's my other activities. I played sports, only against those better than me so I could become better. This was how I saw and treated everything and still do. When I get up in the morning,mentally I'm telling the morning, "I'm going to beat you! I will overpower you and NOT lose!" and then I get to work and in my mind I tell each rude customer or each negative situation, "You WILL NOT beat me!" and with this mentality, I'm emotionally drained by like 9am.

     I try to outwillpower everything from making breakfast to catching the train to answering the phone (one of the hardest things for me) to talking to random people to little things like staying focused on my daily check list and not getting distracted by whatever pops up throughout the day. Each thing I do, no matter how small, takes way too much emotional strength and then if something that takes actual strength comes up, I'm half exhausted already. And of course I power through that tiredness and do whatever I hav3e to do and have EVEN LESS energy for the next thing.

Now take that and add the fact that I don't know how to re energize myself in the long term and you have a person who gets to a point of thinking, "I can't do this anymore." Just like me...recently.

     So I tried to not be impatient and meditate. I was of course impatient and didn't meditate at first. But after a little while I did it and got the desired calming down that I needed right now. I also recently started using an app called headspace, which I have now used for 2 days...out of about 15. Not great but it's a start. My plan is to use it in the morning before work for 3 minutes a day and then on days off have longer more dedicated meditation times.

A few days ago, I had it in my head that by December I wouldn't be here to make future plans and I want this to be one of few things I put my full strength behind in my attempt to conquer it. The only way I can do this is through prayers, consistently refocusing and finding a new mentality to living my life. 

I am writing this with goals in mind and I want to look back on this someday and remember the lows I'm living through now then be able to say "I'm still here."

Goals:

     -To meditate everyday for one week (today counts as day 1 so I've already got one day down)

     -To keep learning to heal from things that seem to have permanently damaged me

     -To keep making plans for the future, even if it's just tomorrow or later today; truly suicidal people don't want to think about the future, so I want to keep that as a focal point in my mind.

     -To find a new way to center myself when I lose control of situations (multitasking moments destroy my world)

I implore anyone reading to feel free to contact me anyway you can at any time and ask me about these goals; holding this kind of pain inside and not sharing it is a big factor in that 'I give up" feeling, I want to NOT let that dwell in the front of my mind. Thank you for reading and please let me know if you ever go through these kinds of things.

August 1st 2018 My Story About My Gender

     I want to talk about what I think is going on with me in the area of my gender. I am making a disclaimer first though:

     This is ONLY and SPECIFICALLY about me I do not believe or endorse the thought that there's only one reason anyone could end up choosing to transition or call themselves transgender. And while I openly admit I don't believe everyone who calls themselves trans is, I do fully support the freedom of people to do what they want as consenting humans and based on my personal experience I know there are people who can lead a more peaceful life once starting their transition. None of this is meant to insult or make anyone else's situation seem like less important in any way... We're all in this world together. This is my story.

     So my basic unexpanded story is: when I was a little kid I felt wrong, out of place and I constantly made a fool of myself whenever I said I liked the things that I liked. If I told a friend I liked the color
pink or wanted to learn fashion rather than play with GI Joe's it was as if i had committed full treason. And any time I even attempted to do anything feminine as a kid, any parental units in charge of me
would immediately do whatever it took to keep me away from whatever it was I did.

Instead of ever trying to deal with it, it became a hush hush thing, swept under the rug and never talked about it acknowledged in any way. Ignore it till it isn't real anymore.

     I believe I was born deficient or deformed in a way and that was not created or taught to me in any way. I wasn't sexually abused and I do not believe it was a 'mistake by God' I believe just like many other things that happen, this has a purpose and wasn't a coincidence. God made me strong enough to last through all the terrible stuff I've made it through (and let me stress that it was NOT me that made it through anything, I wanted to give up every step of the way) I was brought through things like  being left by family and being ignored and made fun of and hurt by even my closest friends.All of that had a purpose, it made me able to handle something big.

     The second part is the effects of things that have happened to me. I mentioned that parental units tried to keep me from anything feminine that I ever even looked at. Looking back, it was almost stereotypical, a little boy plays with his sister = fine. He plays with his sister's Barbie's even 2 seconds after she walks away = the end of the world.

     Just one example of many of course but those kinds of things made me feel like I was the worst thing on earth for liking the things I liked and wanting to be in any way feminine and it in turn opened my eyes to what was feminine and 'not allowed' and what was male and what was 'appropraite for me'

Growing up with that absolutely instilled in me the need to protect my true self and hide who I really am. (Side note, I had serious thoughts that I was a psychopath or the same as people like Ted Bundy because I got so good at hiding who I truly was that I started to not feel . I later understood that being scared of that thought and having a working conscience was a big factor in me NOT being the same as Jeffrey Dahmer-like psychopaths)

So...years later, multiple suicide attempts, many depressive episodes,loss of friends and abandonment of some family members, awkwardness in public many times, certain friends and family sticking with me,doctor's visits, beginning to see what's it's like to not have that weight of hiding at all times, learning at least a few friends who I can be comfortable being myself around, releasing some of the deep pain I've carried around since I was little, being open more and more till it's not a secret in any way and starting laser removal treatments...that's all it took to get where I am now. Basically.

...but that's all.

     

     So this is my story, I have plans to make this the beginning of a great one and I want to hear your story. Doesn't have to be about gender or anything traumatic. I'm all for hearing what some consider mundane or drama free or wild and crazy or not great or great. Please reach out if you feel suicidal or you're going through depression, you're worth so much more than ending that way and you deserve something special. Let me hear your story