What Now? The Next Step.

     Where do I go from here? Good question, right? I've asked that to myself and prayed to God so many times I can't count.  I got to the edge, I stared at it, I found some way not to go over that edge and I stepped back. But then what. Amirite?

If you've ever gone through suicidal near deaths before, you know there's a relief and possibly people are there for you...at first. AT FIRST. After that initial win, there's often the 'getting back to normal 

life' part that isn't real easy, but you get through the first 'normal day' and kinda get back into your routine.

Then...the next steps are often overlooked or treated as not nearly as big as stepping away from the edge. That step is VITALLY, desperately and visualizationally SOOO important! (I make up words, let it go.)

It's vital because if there's no plan in place, no reason to still be here, nothing to be excited about further than "I didn't die." that's where thoughts of trying again become big and whether they start from the beginning or they unpause from the moment you walked away from the edge, those feelings will only get stronger.

That next step or continued excitement is visualizationally important because visualizing a future with yourself IN IT needs to be palpable. 

Visualizationally - describing 

something being able to be 

visualized or imagined as a potential truth.

     So you're at that point where you've gotten back into your groove or rut and you're doing the daily things like before and you get to that moment where you think, " Okay, I'm back to routine and things

are better than when they were worse...but...what now?"

There two parts to this that you can do to take control of this step, one is completely in your power to be the authority and the 2nd part is not as easy to be the total leader of but CAN be done. Neither are even close to easy, but these WILL make the "What' now?!" so much less powerful over you.

This is where you have to find something to be excited about and look forward to. Find a new job, challenge yourself to small winnable tests: like try new food every day or say hello to 200 people in one day or listen to a new song from a new band every day or something personal to you and something that specifically makes you happier than you were before. 

Do whatever you can to have fun with this part,  make yourself laugh with the crazy, silly ideas and do them. And don't feel bad if you make very small goals, like writing in a blog or cleaning a small part of your room or something like that...not that I suggested those because those are two of my personal goals in this step. 

Getting those wins really can be a huge encouragement and help you get through each day with a different focus or a different way of looking at life. Stay calm and don't get down on yourself if you set small goals and don't get to them right away, if you don't clean your room today you have tomorrow to work on it. 

The 2nd part of this step is, in a way, a little less in your control: surround yourself with a person or people who will help you get better, feel better and be better. In some cases, that means stepping away from old friends who drag you down or who don't support you and sometimes that means finding someone and basically saying to them, "I'm not doing too well right now and I'll probably be miserable but I'm asking you to hang out with me and help cheer me up. Pretty much just be here for me no matter what."

It's not always easy to reach out, I know this more than you think BUT it will get you closer to being better than you were before; and that's the goal, to make yourself better than you were before. 

Aaaand here's where I share a part of my heart with you and let you know why I'm writing this.

     Two reasons:

1.) Because I have been there and I would never wish these scary feelings on my worst enemies so if my experiences and thought help even one person, I will do this forever.

2.) Because a few weeks ago, I again was at the edge and I nearly didn't walk away from that. No one knew, I didn't go to a hospital and I don't have any physical scars to show for that day. I was standing in front of the train after having a day that proved to me just how worthless I am to the world and I saw the train coming closer quickly.

I saw it and imagined  what this world would be like without me in it and things in my mind got quite a bit worse after that thought too, there's no reason to get into just how dark things got. So I saw the train and I was emotionally ready to...well, I was ready to go. And I even got as close as putting my purse and bike down as it roared closer.

With tears in my eyes, I got scared and stepped back literally. I thought about what I wanted vs what I felt like I wanted. I wanted to die...except that wasn't the truth; I wanted to not feel worthless and I wanted to be happy and I wanted to be comfortable and I wanted to be able to live. None of those actual wants involved me ruining the life and mind of the little girl standing on the train platform not too far from me, none of those involved my friend's kids having to learn at some point that I took my own life and none of those wants involved  me giving up...in Edgewater Park, New Jersey on a Tuesday.

None of that is what I wanted or want, that's what the misery in me wants. I want good things and because I was going through some very hard times and because my bosses are bullying me and being very immature at work and because a lot of people I thought were friends haven't thought about me enough to send a text to even say hi and because it seems like every time I try to do a good thing 273 things happen that just destroy whatever I did...because of those things and a few more things, I thought, "I'll never get rid of these things so the next best thing is to end myself." 

Boiling down that twisted thought, what that says is I don't WANT to die, I just don't want to be unhappy and have no future. And so as much as I want to say I'm all better now, I'm actually in the phase I'm talking about throughout this entire diary entry. I'm talking to me just as much as anyone else who may read this.

You are not alone. You are not wrong or stupid or worthless and you definitely should step away from that edge and try looking at the world (your world specifically) in a different way; look between the lines and find out what you truly want. I'm betting on you wanting good things, even though it may be hidden by bitterness from horrible things. Don't let this world win. Please. Help me, let me help you, ask for help and help someone. 

It. will be worth it.

...to be continued...

Meditation

     I'm still here.

That's not just an introduction to my week's thoughts or some topic I have been thinking about, it's...a sad and true statement that I considered not being able to type. I'm sorry for this but the truth is the past few weeks have put me on the edge of a metaphorical cliff. One that I thought I was away from, err further from, and I considered giving up.

     I'm not proud of that last paragraph, just having to admit that made it easier to think about giving up and harder to be able to type "I'm still here."

     This drawing is one I created recently during a very positive message by a close friend and my current (soon to be former) pastor. The message was uplifting and led me to think about my beliefs and how they should be stronger...but this was lurking in the depths of myself and for those of you who do not interpret this, I'll explain it.

             This picture depicts everything being dead no matter what. The red circle is 

life and it's meant to be positive and healing and loving but that one thing that is trying 

to help and wants to help and is made to help is being hit by lightning, the trees and 

the roots and the little things that grew naturally were born sick and came up 

like zombie plants. And the only thing they have to look forward to is watching that 

one helpful thing either being hurt for trying or watching it leave; all hope is 

either killed or abandons the nearly dead plants. The X's are hatred, negativity, 

soul sucking sadness ready to drag anything and everything into the ground 

to exist with only misery...that's the full meaning of this piece of art.

     I'm not saying this to gain any sympathy, I'm attempting to grow from this recent attack on my inner most pain. Today (Thursday, October 11th 2018) I started meditating. I want to learn to focus all the stress and all the distractions and all the negativity/things/people trying to hurt me away from my heart. I did what every millennial would do (I'm not one but I live in their world so...) and I searched on YouTube for meditation videos. 

I found a 3 video series by a channel called 'Picking Up Limes' and watched them; the first 2 were okay and helped me focus and start to calm down but the 3rd one brought a thought up that made me really examine something about me. 

     Every single act I commit, I commit with as much strength as I have behind it. I thought about how I play and have played forever: when I used to go into the ocean, I played this silly game in my mind where I was superman and the waves were thrown at me by some super villain...and before you ask, yes I still do this at 36 years old...it was goofy and it was for funzies but when the waves hit me, I stood up with my chest puffed out and out strength'd each wave.

     This is silly, right? Just something most kids do, right? Probably and by itself there's no problem...but...then there's my other activities. I played sports, only against those better than me so I could become better. This was how I saw and treated everything and still do. When I get up in the morning,mentally I'm telling the morning, "I'm going to beat you! I will overpower you and NOT lose!" and then I get to work and in my mind I tell each rude customer or each negative situation, "You WILL NOT beat me!" and with this mentality, I'm emotionally drained by like 9am.

     I try to outwillpower everything from making breakfast to catching the train to answering the phone (one of the hardest things for me) to talking to random people to little things like staying focused on my daily check list and not getting distracted by whatever pops up throughout the day. Each thing I do, no matter how small, takes way too much emotional strength and then if something that takes actual strength comes up, I'm half exhausted already. And of course I power through that tiredness and do whatever I hav3e to do and have EVEN LESS energy for the next thing.

Now take that and add the fact that I don't know how to re energize myself in the long term and you have a person who gets to a point of thinking, "I can't do this anymore." Just like me...recently.

     So I tried to not be impatient and meditate. I was of course impatient and didn't meditate at first. But after a little while I did it and got the desired calming down that I needed right now. I also recently started using an app called headspace, which I have now used for 2 days...out of about 15. Not great but it's a start. My plan is to use it in the morning before work for 3 minutes a day and then on days off have longer more dedicated meditation times.

A few days ago, I had it in my head that by December I wouldn't be here to make future plans and I want this to be one of few things I put my full strength behind in my attempt to conquer it. The only way I can do this is through prayers, consistently refocusing and finding a new mentality to living my life. 

I am writing this with goals in mind and I want to look back on this someday and remember the lows I'm living through now then be able to say "I'm still here."

Goals:

     -To meditate everyday for one week (today counts as day 1 so I've already got one day down)

     -To keep learning to heal from things that seem to have permanently damaged me

     -To keep making plans for the future, even if it's just tomorrow or later today; truly suicidal people don't want to think about the future, so I want to keep that as a focal point in my mind.

     -To find a new way to center myself when I lose control of situations (multitasking moments destroy my world)

I implore anyone reading to feel free to contact me anyway you can at any time and ask me about these goals; holding this kind of pain inside and not sharing it is a big factor in that 'I give up" feeling, I want to NOT let that dwell in the front of my mind. Thank you for reading and please let me know if you ever go through these kinds of things.

The Trait I admire and Respect Most

     What is the great trait one can live by? What is the one thing that one can use and still be above most? 

Surprisingly no, not even all the money in the world is as imporant as this one character trait. Still not sure what it is?

Not fame either, although that's pretty cool. Give up?

     Okay, since you give up...I'll tell you.

To me the mos timportant thing anyone can do is be loyal. Be a friend who is there (whether in constant agreement and support or friends who don't see eye to eye on everything), be a lover who doesn't walk away, be a coworker who helps when the going gets tough...just be loyal.

     I've had people of all kinds walk away from me, blood family is not exempt from this list and it is always a shock and always painful to me. I've seen people I thought were close friends, people who told me they'll be there for me, and then I saw those same people disappear when I needed them the most. Not cool. 

I guess because that happened to me so much at crucial times, it became so vital to me. Friends with money or some kind of power can go away or hurt the friendship but loyalty should be something you wear proudly and use often.

     Now on the other hand, I want to talk about loyalty that has been shown  to me. It comes in the form of firends who have been there for me at my worst tiems and they still show their loyalty to me even now.

My friends constantly show me why being loyal is an honor. I've always believed that everyone has an average of 3 friends who are there for you all your life, three friends who will never ever leave your side even if they're across the country or world. And if that's true, I have ruined the averages for
a lot of people because I have so many of those kind of friends. In 2000, I joined my church and have enjoyed a big group of people who love and care for me from then on, picking up a few between then and now.

There have been times where I wanted to give up and these friends showed me their loyalty and their love and it brought me back from the dark places my mind was nearing.




     So for these reasons that I've experienced on both sides of this particular tcharacter trait, I say that being loyal and seeing loyalty is the greatest attribute one can have. And I can't thank those friends enough for being this to me, there are too many of you to name but if you have been this to me you know who you are.

Dreaming a Little Dream

     I work as a cashier, I live in someone's apartment, I take walks with my friends, I watch hockey, I pray to God, I buy jewelry and internet window shop for clothes or makeup, I eat terribly (for now at least), I draw, I play PS2 and Nintendo and Super Nintendo, I paint my nails, I watch YouTube videos, I listen to pandora.com, I read about trans people and trans issues, I play on Facebook or Instagram and on the rare occasion I get some sleep. That about it for my daily/weekly/monthly/yearly life routines.

Then there's my unroutine stuff (I make up words, get over it)

     I question every word I use and every choice I make, I try so hard to not do certain things that I cause myself to do them, I mumble, I over emphasize words, I make sure to not bother anyone ever, I ask my friends over and over if I am annoying them or making things harder for them, I stay in my room when I feel extra introverted, I lose my voice without any reason, I look down because I feel like less than human, I break plans and let people down regularly because I feel like they'll be better off if I'm not around them, I freak out in my mind so hard that it makes me sweat and not able to think, I wish I was different...like really really hard and I shut down when stress takes over my ability to think straight.

This photo is a correct assessment of my brain a lot of the time. 

     So I had all these expectations for my life a long time ago, expectations that I felt I was able at a time to fulfill; I also included life and things that were out of my control. I expected to have to deal
with bills, things breaking down and having to work long hours or hard jobs.

I also expected to have to take care of babies and make phone calls and clean up after a bad dog...

What I didn't expect was to have a long term crippling desire/need to feel comfortable and the fight that that came with. I didn't expect to be beaten down so hard that even simple things like believing in God or believing that God would care about me seems impossible.

I didn't expect to be treated by a father so badly that I genuinely doubt anyone's love when they say or try to show it to me ever and I also didn't expect anxiety to cause nonsensical things to push me down daily.

     I must say I have learned some pretty important things through my struggles though and some of them are priceless...and some plague me almost minute by minute.

I've learned that I do not want to die.
      this is pretty big, a few years ago, I would have disagreed with this if I was being brutally honest with you. I thought for so long that I was only here because some truck didn't yet veer off the road and finish me off. I'm not saying that is fixed in me but the things I've encountered and the battles I've fought have made me stronger in some ways.

Whether some believe or not, I believe that some of the things I had to fight for and lost or the things I wasn't able to achieve were because I was destined for the journey I'm fighting for and happy to take on now.

The road from Vincent to Layla has been a scary, nearly deadly and nothing short of interesting one, one that I would not be on if any number of things had worked out over the last 20 years. If I met a woman and got married or if I had not been so discouraged in school and actually tried at all and gotten on a career path or if I had gotten into drugs and the friends that often comes with

...these are just a few things that could and would have changed how my life played out. I don't think I would be transitioning right now if I had a family (I'm not discouraging anyone in that situation from anything they think is right and to be brutally honest, I think I would not still be here rather than ruin lives by exposing my true thoughts on a wife and kids)

I've learned who my true friends are
     I explained before that being a true friend does not mean you should support anything they want to do so this is not attacking anyone that has decided to cut me out of their life, but I will say this: BROWNIE POINTS to the people who have not cut me from their life because of my decision to embrace my inner life and do what it takes to actually feel happy. This struggle is very very real and the friends who have kept in touch or have let me talk "girl talk" or the ones who are willing to listen to what I have to say are the ones that have kept me from going over the edge at times.

My life is owed to my friends, you can tell me I'm wrong for thinking that or for putting that on their shoulders but it is true. I have only succeeded in anything that I have succeeded in because I had someone else there to share my joys with or help me through the hard parts, I feel very strongly in this philosophy:

So without all of those people, I would have given up by now. And that includes the people who cannot support my decision. The ones I'm referring to have always displayed love and strength and I appreciate and respect them and will miss every one of them immensely everyday.

I've learned that needing help isn't always a weakness
     I have had to humble myself and go to hospitals, I've had to break down and tell people that I'm not okay and I've had to share my painful details with doctors and strangers at times in  the last few years. And I have learned that those times that I had to get rid of my personal expectations and I had to bruise my ego... and that was okay. That was not wrong.

In fact those things were the right things to do, rather than keep trying to put band aids on my issues and move on. Breaking down is not a weakness, it can in the future be turned into a strength.


   

I want to end this with a question:

What have you learned through your struggles?

Have a Destiny or Go Home

     Do I know me? You'd think I would, right? Well a few years ago, I really thought I knew everything about me: my future, my plans, what I wanted and who I'd be around and what I'd be doing.

The funny thing about all that is if you go back a few years before that, I thought I had all those answers and they were all completely different. In fact, every few years going backwards I had a totally different set of answers I was sure about.
Going fart far back, I remember meeting a girl named Tiffany who I thought was my destiny. I was going to be a marine biologist and I was gonna live in Hawaii. Basically I was gonna be Adam Sandler from 50 first Dates, and this was when I was in 1st and 2nd grade (about the 1988-89 range) so I wasn't just copying from the 2004 romantic comedy.




     Then a few years later, I learned that I love Halloween makeup and horror movies and I was 100% sure that I was going to be the next great FX artist/makeup artist for Wes Craven. I did Halloween makeup for people a lot as a kid and started getting good enough at bruises to think I could have been famous...remember this was the mind of a 9 or 10 year old. Freddy Krueger never terrorized my nightmares but he sure made me want to create things that came from my crazy mind.

     Skip ahead a few years from then and I "knew" the girl I was gonna marry, "knew" my best friend Kevin and I would never stop hanging out, "knew" that I was gonna work for some kind of charity and make a great living at it and was going to live in Collingswood for the rest of my life. I had no doubt that I was right about my plan but it didn't even take a year for some of that to change. I became friends with a kid around the corner and we were inseparable for a while. Justin's family even

 kinda accepted me as one of their own for a little while. There was no way he and I were not going to be best friends for life (this was before acronyms...so yeah)

     Around 16, I wanted to run away and create a completely new life far from anyone I knew. I also wanted to have a sex change and live as a lesbian. At that time, it was mostly a fantasy because I thought I was as wrong as I could be to want the things I wanted. I hated myself and kept treating myself worse and worse. That may have been when I started mentally beating myself up, before that I was so focused on ignoring that part of myself that it didn't occur to me to hate myself. So I treated that like it was nothing more than a sexual desire and I "knew" that I couldn't ever tell anyone I secretly wanted to be known as feminine and pretty instead of manly and handsome. I "knew" that my life was going to be a lie and that I'd never be able to truly share my real self with anyone. More 100% truth that I would have fought with all my might if anyone questioned me. 

     Jump a bunch of years later and I was going to be a preacher and a photographer on the side. I "knew" I was going to marry a preacher's daughter and we had serious plans that couldn't possibly be broken. It was our destiny that we get married. We were half right, and that's the only thing that links us as a 'we'. She's married...to some guy somewhere.

          You see where this s going so I'll skip ahead to my current life. 

* On one hand, I believe that destiny is imaginary, I believe that all my plans fall through and I am finally being honest with people in my life about me. 

* On the other hand, I have trouble believing God cares about me. I used to think I was Ted Mosby...I was very wrong, I'm much more Toby Flenderson than I am Ted Mosby. I used to think I was going to find a career but now I struggle to keep a job, and not even in a 'I have some ailment that keeps me from doing the required work' kinda way,I'm talking about an "I can do it, I have the physical ability to do the work but my passion for doing anything is at an all time low' kinda thing. And I am currently a few weeks away from starting my transition, which is one of the only things I'm happy about in my life. 

     So to sum all the many words up, I believe in a lot less than I did before. But I'm still here, I'm still trying to try. And I still have a teeny tiny itty bitty hope that things can somehow end well for me.

That

is

all

Today is the Only Day That Matters Right Now

     Today. An odd word, really. Seems like nothing special, were all use it all the time...right? The truth is in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't mean very much afterwards but in the moment, it means everything. In most ways, yesterday and last year are insignificant to our needs or wants or hopes and dreams. We've already lived that day out and it's nothing more than a memory. Not to say that memories aren't important, sometimes that's the only thing keeping people or places with us. Memories are very important for our mental state, but survival happens today for some of us. Maybe not in some cinematic 'i have to jump from this bridge that ship before it explodes' kind of way but we survive in harrowing and very seemingly very small ways.

     Jim Carrey had a stand up bit that is hilarious and also very deeply true; he said life is all about impulses. We all have impulses every minute of every day. "Do I run this razorblade across my tongue or do I shave normally and go to work?" Carrey used as a funny example (it's on YouTube, check it out. He's a lot funnier than I am) and it's funny to use crazy examples but there's so much truth in that philosophy. Every moment, were have a ton of little options that could be detrimental or they could be just normal routine stuff or could make life better in some way. Or life or someone else's

     I guess now is as good a time as any to get you why I'm writing this. I have impulses regularly that are not good...no, I'm not saying I'm crazy and hear voices but I am saying that I have mental issues that make it very easy for me to see myself as worthless, bad for everyone around me no matter what I do and generally a curse on anything I touch. I know logically I'm not supposed to think that way, I fight abortion hard and defend second chances for people whenever I can; it's very important to me that when I see the chance to show someone that they can be better, that I do it or when I see a way that life can be protected, it's not taken lightly. I do all that with vigor until it comes to myself. To give you insight into time when I'm alone, when no one else can see me: I have trouble looking into mirrors, most of that is because I have this distorted view of me. When it gets so bad that it takes you actually time, like I actually think about how bad I am to friends and to co-workers for serious amounts of time, that's when it's something that needs real attention.

     There have been big things that happened throughout my life that led me to this thought pattern, some of those were my fault and some out of my control. I'm not trying to make myself a victim for the most part, I've made a lot of dumb mistakes that caused long term problems for me (my dating history is a perfect example) and I am also in fact trying to say that my entire thought process needs to change. I want that to change, really badly.

     I recently nearly made the worst impulse a reality, one that would have taken away my 'todays' forever. I'm not happy about thinking that way but I can't lie or act like it didn't happen. That day is now not important, because it's not today though and I'm trying to keep this thought in my head more and more. Right now, this very second...Yesterday isn't important. Only today is and only today should be when bad things happen or when you make decisions you regret.

     Learning from yesterday and honoring good things about yesterday is good, today is the only day that matters though. Today you can make choices count, today you can change things, today you can survive.

     Remember yesterday, survive today and have hope for tomorrow.