My second Dr's visit Update

     So there I was...and by the way, picture this in an intense movie voice...I was at the Dr's and everything was going well. I was nervous but was put at ease as my Dr and I talked.

My expectation going in was that this was visit 2 of 3 and that I'd be taking some tests, that my next visit would be when I started hormones. Things seemed to be going a little quicker than that as my Dr said started talking about me taking medicine today. TODAY!

I was trying to stay calm but was internally going CRAZY! I thought, "IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING!" From the earliest memory, I have been wanting this. Needing this. Unable to cope without this. And I started to take the moment in, I started to kinda step outside my body in a metaphoical way and  really breathe in the fact that I was about to begin my journey as Layla Jade Gilmore.

It was a dream come true...or at least close to a dream come true. And no, I'm not talking about any doubt or guilt or changing of opinions, as my Dr wrote and placed her order for estrogen, she said the last thing I needed to do was get an EKG.

Once taken, she came back and told me there was something slightly off about it. Not enough to say there is any real danger but just enough for her to want me to make sure there's nothing serious. Then she said to me (paraphrasing, of course) I could go downstairs to the pharmacy and buy the hormones but she implores me to see a cardiologist before taking medicine.

So I sat there and for a brief second I thought, I could just start and not even go through any of that. She's not gonna check up on me until January and I could just skip that. Or I could start the hormones and see a cardiologist when  I'm able. (I said brief but I'm still having that thought and it's not easy to just say no)

     So here I am with a choice, I could go today and pick up my prescription or I can call a cardio Dr and add an expense to my life that will make my wallet even smaller. To put things into context, I have about $40.00 that has to last two weeks, thinking about adding a Dr cost to this will kinda make eating food nearly impossible for me. This is a very strong temptation...

BUT (there's always a but) I don't want to do anything to destroy things and for maybe the first time in my life, I actually have an affection for my life's direction. I have many memories of wanting to end things or at least memories of not caring if I make it to tomorrow so being in a position where I am excited to make it to tomorrow is new to me; I can't do something to ruin that.

I'm so exccited to see myself on the outside the way I've always envisioned myself mentally. I'm beyond enthusiastic about mastering makeup, clothing options and feeling free emotionally. I'm euphoric about the idea of liking myself, I have never felt that way ever. I've never liked myself, I've never liked my name or having to look in the mirror or anything involved with me having to deal with myself...I want to feel what it's like to like those things.

     In all this I find myself both exceeding my original expectations and disappointed by my new expectations, it was weird to go from thinking I was going to have to wait to thinking I was going to start that day to finding out that I would probably end up with the original plan; and I find myself trying not to be sad about this. It's funny how expectations can change and can change moods so quickly.

     Well, that was my Friday filled with questions and choices and decisions. Here's the side notes from the last few days in a nutshell:

   *I rode my bike across the bridge. If I ever think about doing that again...please remind me that I hate that idea...like COPMPLETELY. It was terrifying, not because I was unsafe but because my view was the water VERY far below on one side and the highway and traffic on the other side and a small path for me to ride. The visual was realy scary even though I was completely safe.

   *I admitted that my anxiety has gotten a very little bit better lately. Even though it's not cured by any means, I have been able to handle a little bit more a little bit better. That's a good sign and I'm gonna try to take on a very little bit more with baby steps.

   *Speaking of my expectations, I have learned over the last few weeks at work that I have trouble not getting frustrated when people don't live up to the standards that I set for myself. Like when people are rude or selfish in ways I behave, it makes me very impatient while dealing with them. I know that needs to change in me.

   *And lastly, I know that hockey is and has been for a long time an escape to me but I absolutely love the sport and the conversation/community it brings with it. One of my best friendsd and I have probably the best conversations through texting during
Flyers games. That connection is so important to me and it seriously helps on such a deep level to be able to talk to someone who gets it and can keep up.













     Thanks for reading and please feel free to leave comments or your experience if you've been through anything similar. And as always, prayers are always wemcome.

Eulogy of a Shadow

     So anyone who knows me knows I've dealt with suicide and death a lot in my life. It's kinda like a shadow that has followed me (I know death follows EVERYONE but not everyone feels it as much as some of us twisted special ones)

     Even as a kid, I was obsessed with death and at many point, I've wanted to die. Sometimes it was a just as a way out of a terrible situation, like when I was about 7 and my biological parents were fighting one night very loudly and I was sent to his room. I heard therm and just wanted that feeling to stop, that feeling of hearing people fighting over me. I hated so much that my existence was causing such a  scary argument and it made me want to do anything to stop it.

I thought two things:
     1. If I were to die then, right that night almost in front of them then they'd stop caring about screaming at each other. Might even bring some peace to people who were involved. I thought that would teach them a lesson too. I thought how bad they would feel if a little kid made them learn a lesson.
     1. I just wanted to get out of that situation. I hated hated hated feeling so uncomfortable. I knew nothing about what death was in the grand scheme of things but I knew I would have rather dealt with dying then continue feeling the pain of sadness caused by their fight. It was a soul killing sadness that has bled into my inner thoughts and has followed mr around like a creepy shadow.

     That was all just an intro to the point of this whole thing:
For so long I've wanted to kill me and aim all the sadness at ending myself...or at least I thought I wanted that. When I examine why I think and feel the way I do, I learn that the truth is I want to not feel that sadness or pain. The idea of dying is an escape from that and becomes the consolation prize that I convinced myself I wanted more than my true wish.

     So I thought today at work about what I truly want and two things happened that made me want to put my shadow to rest.

One was a man came to my register. I said my delivery line that I've been conditioned to say, "Hi, How are you today?" and his response was, "Well, my back hurts and my life kinda sucks..." he proceeded to tell me he has cancer because of agent orange, his wife passed away not too long ago, his son is mentally handicapped and he has back, leg and foot pain. The thing is he was smiling the whole time, not like a joyous "everything is awesome even though things aren't great" kinda smile, it was a painful smile. A smile that told more of his story than his story told, it was interesting to hear him complain because his eyes were almost devoid of emotions in a way that told me he has been through so much emotions that there wasn't much left.

And through all of that, he wasn't complaining the way most people do. Most people complain because they expected life to give them so much and it just didn't. He was telling a story of hardships without blaming life or God or others. Through the conversation, he told me his son keeps asking when Mom is coming home and the best thing he could say was, "We'll see mom again when we move and go to her." It was the best way he could explain her death to his son who will never understand...for lack of better words.

The other thing was a status on facebook that connects this man's story to my subconscious. Blaire White (a transgender political/current events youtuber, one of my favorite channels) posted:

     I had to repost it, because it's something I think I expect too much. I will probably either forget or think something bad is the end of the world soon but it at least gave me something to think about for today and has been on my mind.

I try to challenge myself to grow when these kinds of things occur; these bits of deep truth that should change our all of our lives. I know I'm more messed up than most but once in a while I see some truth or bit of wisdom that we should all think about and meditate on in some way. "Life becomes infinitely easier once you accept that it doesn't owe you anything." Very smart words.

I'm not one to give out words of wisdom but these are definitely words people these days should think about regularly. Thank you for reading.

Have a Destiny or Go Home

     Do I know me? You'd think I would, right? Well a few years ago, I really thought I knew everything about me: my future, my plans, what I wanted and who I'd be around and what I'd be doing.

The funny thing about all that is if you go back a few years before that, I thought I had all those answers and they were all completely different. In fact, every few years going backwards I had a totally different set of answers I was sure about.
Going fart far back, I remember meeting a girl named Tiffany who I thought was my destiny. I was going to be a marine biologist and I was gonna live in Hawaii. Basically I was gonna be Adam Sandler from 50 first Dates, and this was when I was in 1st and 2nd grade (about the 1988-89 range) so I wasn't just copying from the 2004 romantic comedy.




     Then a few years later, I learned that I love Halloween makeup and horror movies and I was 100% sure that I was going to be the next great FX artist/makeup artist for Wes Craven. I did Halloween makeup for people a lot as a kid and started getting good enough at bruises to think I could have been famous...remember this was the mind of a 9 or 10 year old. Freddy Krueger never terrorized my nightmares but he sure made me want to create things that came from my crazy mind.

     Skip ahead a few years from then and I "knew" the girl I was gonna marry, "knew" my best friend Kevin and I would never stop hanging out, "knew" that I was gonna work for some kind of charity and make a great living at it and was going to live in Collingswood for the rest of my life. I had no doubt that I was right about my plan but it didn't even take a year for some of that to change. I became friends with a kid around the corner and we were inseparable for a while. Justin's family even

 kinda accepted me as one of their own for a little while. There was no way he and I were not going to be best friends for life (this was before acronyms...so yeah)

     Around 16, I wanted to run away and create a completely new life far from anyone I knew. I also wanted to have a sex change and live as a lesbian. At that time, it was mostly a fantasy because I thought I was as wrong as I could be to want the things I wanted. I hated myself and kept treating myself worse and worse. That may have been when I started mentally beating myself up, before that I was so focused on ignoring that part of myself that it didn't occur to me to hate myself. So I treated that like it was nothing more than a sexual desire and I "knew" that I couldn't ever tell anyone I secretly wanted to be known as feminine and pretty instead of manly and handsome. I "knew" that my life was going to be a lie and that I'd never be able to truly share my real self with anyone. More 100% truth that I would have fought with all my might if anyone questioned me. 

     Jump a bunch of years later and I was going to be a preacher and a photographer on the side. I "knew" I was going to marry a preacher's daughter and we had serious plans that couldn't possibly be broken. It was our destiny that we get married. We were half right, and that's the only thing that links us as a 'we'. She's married...to some guy somewhere.

          You see where this s going so I'll skip ahead to my current life. 

* On one hand, I believe that destiny is imaginary, I believe that all my plans fall through and I am finally being honest with people in my life about me. 

* On the other hand, I have trouble believing God cares about me. I used to think I was Ted Mosby...I was very wrong, I'm much more Toby Flenderson than I am Ted Mosby. I used to think I was going to find a career but now I struggle to keep a job, and not even in a 'I have some ailment that keeps me from doing the required work' kinda way,I'm talking about an "I can do it, I have the physical ability to do the work but my passion for doing anything is at an all time low' kinda thing. And I am currently a few weeks away from starting my transition, which is one of the only things I'm happy about in my life. 

     So to sum all the many words up, I believe in a lot less than I did before. But I'm still here, I'm still trying to try. And I still have a teeny tiny itty bitty hope that things can somehow end well for me.

That

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all