The Problem With

     I've been reading about more people leaving Facebook and not watching TV or boycotting certain companies, which is a good at heart theory to whatever you're against and CAN be a good idea in extreme cases. 

The problem with those theories come after the boycott or exiting of the social media platform; after someone bans something, they need to be willing to never go back to it and dive into what
happens if people that agree with that philosophy all disappear from whatever it is. In extreme cases, this works out, like if a person find a Racist store then that person boycotts and tell everyone to stay away it usually works out in that person's favor as far as their willingness to fight it hard core. 

But let's take a less openly wrong case;  as a conservative leaning person, platforms like Facebook or YouTube or Huffington Post actively fight against my political views and those I follow on these sites.

This is not a case of abortion, which I am vehemently against in any situation that's not immediately life threatening so I don't think taking Facebook (for example) and fighting it with every fiber of my being is the best course of action AND the reality of Facebook is that I've used it to keep up with the lives of friends and to connect with/have deep conversations with people I never would have gotten to without FB; if
I left Facebook and had no alternative for those things I would either be hurting myself or I'd end up going back to it and feeling like a failure in some weird way. 

     So I chose a while ago to invest very little into Facebook as far as making my FB part of my identity and only use it to make initial contacts or to message people, I keep in mind that I only use it like a machine and refuse to be insulted or take ANYTHING on Facebook more serious than I should...which is so very little that it's pretty much nonexistent. And let's be honest, don't we all use Facebook as a way of showing off or  as the ability to see memes?! Well I do at least. 

So I took the power away from Facebook, at least over my political and personal investment. 

     Another example I encountered is a group of Christians who boycotted Disney based on how Disney teaches kids things they don't agree with and all the many subliminal messages in many Disney movies and TV shows.

This is all true, at least to some extent and it makes sense that Christians wouldn't want their kids to learn from some of the underlying lessons but the problem with that is what Disney will definitely become without any Christian fans for them to think about when making movies/TV shows.

     Now I must make this disclaimer, I do not think that only Christina are moral or want good things so I'm not giving Christians the sole ability to lead a company to better things in this way, but I am saying that as a Christian who got saved at a later age, I have seen much more of a community wide desire to protect themselves and those around them from things they feel affect their minds or spirit.

Here's the problem with this philosophy, if all moral people boycotted Disney then Disney's only audience would lead them to make more and (what moral people consider) worse movies/TV shows.

     I talked with a customer at my job about social media and is it worth quitting Facebook so I went off on a tangent which resulted in this entry. I'm interested to know what others think about this topic, is it worth boycotting social media platforms or companies? Is it NOT worth it to ban companies from your life? Is is bad to use platforms for only what you want? Is it right to take what you want and leave the political parts or opposing aspects?

     It's something to think about and talk about.

Eulogy of a Shadow

     So anyone who knows me knows I've dealt with suicide and death a lot in my life. It's kinda like a shadow that has followed me (I know death follows EVERYONE but not everyone feels it as much as some of us twisted special ones)

     Even as a kid, I was obsessed with death and at many point, I've wanted to die. Sometimes it was a just as a way out of a terrible situation, like when I was about 7 and my biological parents were fighting one night very loudly and I was sent to his room. I heard therm and just wanted that feeling to stop, that feeling of hearing people fighting over me. I hated so much that my existence was causing such a  scary argument and it made me want to do anything to stop it.

I thought two things:
     1. If I were to die then, right that night almost in front of them then they'd stop caring about screaming at each other. Might even bring some peace to people who were involved. I thought that would teach them a lesson too. I thought how bad they would feel if a little kid made them learn a lesson.
     1. I just wanted to get out of that situation. I hated hated hated feeling so uncomfortable. I knew nothing about what death was in the grand scheme of things but I knew I would have rather dealt with dying then continue feeling the pain of sadness caused by their fight. It was a soul killing sadness that has bled into my inner thoughts and has followed mr around like a creepy shadow.

     That was all just an intro to the point of this whole thing:
For so long I've wanted to kill me and aim all the sadness at ending myself...or at least I thought I wanted that. When I examine why I think and feel the way I do, I learn that the truth is I want to not feel that sadness or pain. The idea of dying is an escape from that and becomes the consolation prize that I convinced myself I wanted more than my true wish.

     So I thought today at work about what I truly want and two things happened that made me want to put my shadow to rest.

One was a man came to my register. I said my delivery line that I've been conditioned to say, "Hi, How are you today?" and his response was, "Well, my back hurts and my life kinda sucks..." he proceeded to tell me he has cancer because of agent orange, his wife passed away not too long ago, his son is mentally handicapped and he has back, leg and foot pain. The thing is he was smiling the whole time, not like a joyous "everything is awesome even though things aren't great" kinda smile, it was a painful smile. A smile that told more of his story than his story told, it was interesting to hear him complain because his eyes were almost devoid of emotions in a way that told me he has been through so much emotions that there wasn't much left.

And through all of that, he wasn't complaining the way most people do. Most people complain because they expected life to give them so much and it just didn't. He was telling a story of hardships without blaming life or God or others. Through the conversation, he told me his son keeps asking when Mom is coming home and the best thing he could say was, "We'll see mom again when we move and go to her." It was the best way he could explain her death to his son who will never understand...for lack of better words.

The other thing was a status on facebook that connects this man's story to my subconscious. Blaire White (a transgender political/current events youtuber, one of my favorite channels) posted:

     I had to repost it, because it's something I think I expect too much. I will probably either forget or think something bad is the end of the world soon but it at least gave me something to think about for today and has been on my mind.

I try to challenge myself to grow when these kinds of things occur; these bits of deep truth that should change our all of our lives. I know I'm more messed up than most but once in a while I see some truth or bit of wisdom that we should all think about and meditate on in some way. "Life becomes infinitely easier once you accept that it doesn't owe you anything." Very smart words.

I'm not one to give out words of wisdom but these are definitely words people these days should think about regularly. Thank you for reading.