I got what I deserved, right?

What dreams may come, what nightmares dwell.

When lightness and love are drug to hell.

What's seen is felt, what darts are dealt, what darkness grows, what rainbows melt.

When the day grows dim, 

when reality's claw starts to sink in,

when the walls close in and fill everything in,

when even the most inconsequential smallest pieces of treasure have been burned to ashes

and when hope has been erased,

that's where my tears were buried and my soul died.

I Can't Escape It

     I had a dream last night and I don't think another dream has ever scared me this much before.

I had this dream that I was invited to someone's house for dinner, I didn't want to go because I was hurting too much; hurting too much inside. They kept trying to bring me inside and treat me like part of their family. And after a while of them trying unsuccessfully, they took my bike away from me and said I could only get it back after dinner.

I sat down and could barely handle it. I wanted to cry, to sob, right there at the table. I felt like hopelessness would have been a step up, as if I knew there was not a single thing on earth that could fix...me. I tried, I really tried to just be normal and calm and smile but I just barely kept tears from pouring down my face.

After about 5 minutes of everyone around me talking and greeting each other and laughter, someone brought the dinner out. I was slightly eased by the fact that the dinner meant I could leave sooner.

They brought the actual plate of food in using my bicycle to carry it and the moment they put the food on the table, I politely (as politely as I was able through tears and a forced smile), I took the handlebars of my bike, walked it out the door and started riding down the street.

As I rode, I just started sobbing, harder than I ever have before. I couldn't control the painh for another second and I fell on some grass in some yard. It must have been my place because I walked to the back yard and opened a shed door.

As I opened the door and guided my bike in, I felt like someone was following me. I imagined someone coming to steal my bike and kill me. I had that second of fear but the hopelessness and emptiness took over and I hoped I was right, I wanted someone to come and end me. I stepped out of the shed, dropped the bike behind me and waited for someone to do it. I held my hands up in the air in a "what now" pose and closed my eyes (I was crying so hard, I can still feel that emotion as I'm writing this hours later) 

When no one came to rob me, I just dropped to the ground, no energy to even stand anymore. I began loudly sobbing, moaning and screaming that I just want to be done (though I was more blunt with my words. It's actually hard to type the exact words at the moment) 

And in a heap on the ground, as I wailed in the most empty terrifying pain I had ever known, I lsot that feeling that someone was around even to hurt me. There was no one to help me or do anything about the pain, there was no one to attack me or steal from me, there was...just...no one. Anywhere.

I remember looking around and all the cars in the street nearby were in the road, abandoned with some doors still opened and there was faint music coming from someone's house and thie erie sound of win became louder even though there was no actual win blowing. It was like an empty sound filling everything.

I woke up sobbing and saying the phrase I screamed in my dream and looking around for someone to please attack me (or hug me or to someone how make it better, however that happened) My hands were clenched so hard I have a cut on the inside of my palm and I still, this very second, feel like emptiness is more painful than any physical pain.

     I'm trying so hard to hold out for some...thing, some miracle. I just...I'm running out of reasons to believe in anything anymore. Sorry this isn't more positive, but this is as honest and vulnerable as I truly am. 

     Searching for...something. Anything. 

Don't Die Yet, Kevin Smith. Please.

     Kevin Smith nearly died recently; a person I've never met and who has had no physical impact on my life nearly passed away...and it is an awful thought that I nearly lost the chance to meet someone who has inspired so much of who I am without even getting the chance to meet him.

     Kevin Smith, a guy who loves comics and hockey who made some great movies and made a few not great movies and likes to talk almost left this world and that would have devastated me. 

I am a person who has not had many friends growing up, I've been fighting depression and suicidal issues since I was at least 7, I am transgendered and am just now actually embracing my transition instead of hiding it and hating myself, I loved comics as a kid (I don't care what anyone says, Superman's positivity and innate goodness is and will always be the best), I found the sport of hockey to be my only escape from a jail of loneliness and a terrible family situation growing up and I have always had so much creativity in me that I couldn't contain it.

     Ready for the connection? Okay, here it is:

Somehow or another, I found a movie and watched it. It was about a few misfit characters who thought they were cooler than they were and kinda formed their own "cool" and bonded over comics. They were funny and the one character said what was on his mind in a way I wished I could (I was the opposite of outgoing or charismatic) and the other seemed to be a go-between from the outcasts to the cooler kids in their social world. 

Then there were these two stoner characters, the ones I had no understanding of or care to even see them. I was not and am not a fan of drugs and as a kid I was a lot harsher against everything involving glorifying of drugs (I'm not making any statements about that, I'm just expressing how much the least favorite character became a glowing inspiration to me in my whole life). 

Yeah...I saw Mallrats first. I'm the odd ball, big surprise. I saw it randomly and watched the commentary and learned that Silent Bob (the character I liked least) was the director. And I learned that he was hilarious. I loved how he could joke about himself without seriously putting himself down in a depression kind of way. In an hour and a half I found the very first inspiration this random guy created for me...a nobody.

     I wanted to stop destroying myself in how I talked about me, he was one of the first to actually reach me in that aspect. 

     I also heard a little of his philosophies, he has always seemed to be very fan friendly and like a real person instead of some Hollywood imaginary hero. And he seemed generous because he truly wanted to be generous. 

The second thing there has become a deep and very real part of my personality, I try everyday to help someone. As much as I hate when customers treat me badly and when people are slow or selfish and even when people wish me harm or whatever...I still want to make this world a little better than it was before I got here, even if I only help one person a day or a week. That has a lot to do with Kevin Smith and people like him. 

     So I watched Mallrats about a thousand times then I saw Clerks and LOVED IT. Of course, right? It's a cult classic and I couldn't get enough of Randall or the straight man, Dante. Then I watched Dogma and while I am not a fan of anything making fun of God, I can recognize the irony, sarcasm and hypocrisy of it. I enjoyed it for what it was. And a few years later, I started to see on YouTube more from Smith. 

     I found a clip at some point that could make me laugh even on terrible days, he heard there was a protest for Dogma and he went out and protested his own movie under a fake name. This dude actually went out there and trolled them right next to them and OHMYGOSH, I can not express how funny that is on so many levels. This kind of humor has shaped how I joke and the levels I try to go to to make people laugh. 

     And my favorite part of his humor is he doesn't target people or take any viscous cuts toward anyone, at least anyone who's not a close friend. 

     And lastly, he has done a lot to try to encourage people. That is something this world sorely needs. Go after your dreams, even if no one else gets what you're trying to do or likes what you like. Do good things help others, don't put others down, add creativity to this world, etc...these are all philosophies Kevin Smith has put out there and they are all amazing things to promote. For these reason, I want very much to meet him someday soon; I want the chance to tell him in person just how much he means to an outcast. 

I don't want this to sound bigger than it is but Kevin Smith has a very small part of helping me to not end myself, seeing him encourage such good things had a life saving effect on me, in a way. 

     Anyway, I just felt the need to put this out there and maybe hope he reads this. If I could encourage him in any way and return the favor even a little, it would seriously mean the world to me. 

In the unlikely but hopeful event that Mr. Smith ever reads this I gotta say this:

          Kev,

                   Thank you, man. Seriously, thank you. Keep doing what you do. And I don't care what anyone says, I'm honored to add you to my prayers ( Chris Pratt isn't the only one praying for you, haha) Oh and I'm not a fan just because you make movies so whether you make another Clerks or Mallrats or not, you've got a friend in me.
                                                Sincerely,
                                                            not your biggest fan but definitely a life long fan

Why I'm Writing This

     I want to talk about a tough thing to talk about: Suicide.

Suicide has been a large theme in my life, a demon that has been beyond hard for me to deal with on my own. When I was young, I tried to attempt suicide even before I truly knew what it would mean and throughout my teen life, I came close many times to giving up and ending myself. Sometimes they were over things that weren't nearly serious enough to warrant something so permanent and sometimes there were very hard things for a little kid to handle and it would have made sense if I attempted something in a more determined way.

I'm not saying it would have been right or that anyone should ever attempt something so final, but there are times in my personal life that would have made suicide make sense to others.

That was all just kind of an intro for this entry, I can and will get into some of those topics on a deeper level at another time.

     The topic for this entry is why I write in this and what my goal is for things like suicide walks and supporting organizations that I do support.

               I'll start with why i write this.
I started writing this in 2012 because I knew I wanted to die but didn't understand why. It took me years of writing my worst, most depraved, scariest thoughts before I started to understand that
I didn't want to die, I wanted to be okay. I wanted to be happy. I want to be an inspiration to people who feel like there's nothing that can get better in all of life. Through the depression, through the pain and through the worst times, I hope that someday someone reads any of this and understands that they are not only not alone but that they don't truly want to end things in reality but they want to feel and be better.


It's so hard to to understand what you feel when you're in the middle of feeling it. Sometimes your situation leads you to believe that you don't want anything but to end it all or give up and stop having to try. That is a very real thing and feels like solid truth ESPECIALLY in your mind.

But if you examine what you're going through and what the situation truly is, usually you'll find that you don't want to end your life or give up. You want to feel happy, you want things to calm down, you may want someone to like/love you or you may want something that you need or think you need.

There are always extreme situations and I am NOT going to try to say anyone's situation or issues are not important enough.  Your situations can be very serious and very real, that's not the thing I hope you focus on though. there is always another way to change things. Always.

And secondly, why I support the organizations that I support.

     afps.org hosts suicide prevention walks all over and I participate every October at the Art Museum in Philadelphia, PA. They do a lot to bring awareness to something that has so many misconceptions and has a reputation for being purely something selfish when in fact it's something that we need to be able to talk about and be open about. The worst thing to do in a suicidal situation is to treat a person thinking about suicide like they just "need to grow up"


     Well, I hope this gives you something to think about and lets someone know they are not alone. If you or someone you know is having any thoughts about committing something permanent like suicide, please please please feel free to contact me or call 1-800-273-8255. You are not weak for calling, you're strong for fighting a very scary opponent by getting help. You can become an inspiration to someone else by surviving.

Eulogy of a Shadow

     So anyone who knows me knows I've dealt with suicide and death a lot in my life. It's kinda like a shadow that has followed me (I know death follows EVERYONE but not everyone feels it as much as some of us twisted special ones)

     Even as a kid, I was obsessed with death and at many point, I've wanted to die. Sometimes it was a just as a way out of a terrible situation, like when I was about 7 and my biological parents were fighting one night very loudly and I was sent to his room. I heard therm and just wanted that feeling to stop, that feeling of hearing people fighting over me. I hated so much that my existence was causing such a  scary argument and it made me want to do anything to stop it.

I thought two things:
     1. If I were to die then, right that night almost in front of them then they'd stop caring about screaming at each other. Might even bring some peace to people who were involved. I thought that would teach them a lesson too. I thought how bad they would feel if a little kid made them learn a lesson.
     1. I just wanted to get out of that situation. I hated hated hated feeling so uncomfortable. I knew nothing about what death was in the grand scheme of things but I knew I would have rather dealt with dying then continue feeling the pain of sadness caused by their fight. It was a soul killing sadness that has bled into my inner thoughts and has followed mr around like a creepy shadow.

     That was all just an intro to the point of this whole thing:
For so long I've wanted to kill me and aim all the sadness at ending myself...or at least I thought I wanted that. When I examine why I think and feel the way I do, I learn that the truth is I want to not feel that sadness or pain. The idea of dying is an escape from that and becomes the consolation prize that I convinced myself I wanted more than my true wish.

     So I thought today at work about what I truly want and two things happened that made me want to put my shadow to rest.

One was a man came to my register. I said my delivery line that I've been conditioned to say, "Hi, How are you today?" and his response was, "Well, my back hurts and my life kinda sucks..." he proceeded to tell me he has cancer because of agent orange, his wife passed away not too long ago, his son is mentally handicapped and he has back, leg and foot pain. The thing is he was smiling the whole time, not like a joyous "everything is awesome even though things aren't great" kinda smile, it was a painful smile. A smile that told more of his story than his story told, it was interesting to hear him complain because his eyes were almost devoid of emotions in a way that told me he has been through so much emotions that there wasn't much left.

And through all of that, he wasn't complaining the way most people do. Most people complain because they expected life to give them so much and it just didn't. He was telling a story of hardships without blaming life or God or others. Through the conversation, he told me his son keeps asking when Mom is coming home and the best thing he could say was, "We'll see mom again when we move and go to her." It was the best way he could explain her death to his son who will never understand...for lack of better words.

The other thing was a status on facebook that connects this man's story to my subconscious. Blaire White (a transgender political/current events youtuber, one of my favorite channels) posted:

     I had to repost it, because it's something I think I expect too much. I will probably either forget or think something bad is the end of the world soon but it at least gave me something to think about for today and has been on my mind.

I try to challenge myself to grow when these kinds of things occur; these bits of deep truth that should change our all of our lives. I know I'm more messed up than most but once in a while I see some truth or bit of wisdom that we should all think about and meditate on in some way. "Life becomes infinitely easier once you accept that it doesn't owe you anything." Very smart words.

I'm not one to give out words of wisdom but these are definitely words people these days should think about regularly. Thank you for reading.

Late Night Thoughts

Loneliness sets in quick like rushing waters and pain covers my organs like fire. I feel numb, I physically hurt. Rational thoughts seem a thousand miles away for split seconds and when they come back, they only fuel my rage, anger and hurt. I try to fight off that by stating the positives, things can get better, the grass can get greener tomorrow or next week or next year...can is the key word, can also leads to may not. Thoughts spin around my head, thoughts like "everyone will be better off in the end. They'll hurt for a little while but move on and grow stronger from my death." and "How long do I have to live for others before I can die for myself?" and many others similar to these run around with no constraints in my mind, filling my heart with emptiness and fear of living. 

A fear of living...that's almost funny to me, I have always feared death. I feared doing something that would lead to my death most of my life, to the poit that it stopped me from doing a lot of things when I was younger. Now I have the 'back of my mind' thought that living is scary and living for a long time is terrifying. These thoughts lead to remembering people who have killed themselves that have taken a piece of me with them, I have such trouble fighting off these feelings or thoughts.

My Uncle Mike, I still can't believe this is real, that he's not a call away right now, that I'm never going to talk to him again, that I'll never hear him laugh again. This is the closest man I've ever had to a father ever and he's gone...and he did it to himself. He knew what he was doing...I keep reenacting his last days in my mind, imagining what may have been going through his head and what the actual last straw was that made him decide to take his own life. 

It affects every second of every day in a way, I constantly think about calling him or where he'd be right now if he was around still. I can't truly see the positive in this, nothing is better fro his loss and I am truly messed up i a way I may never be fixed from. The more I try to be angry, the more I just feel desperately lonely and...just hurt. I often randomly think, "How am I dealing with this? How can I deal?" I don't know...I don't know.

What if...two words that have been the bane of my existence, literally. There has been no other single thing that has affected e as negatively as this phrase. I constantly think "what if I didn't do that?" "what if I did that?" "what if she did this or that?" the list goes on longer that I like to think about. 

There are prominent "what if's" that have hovered over my head, things that have been in the back of my mind at all ties sine they happened and have affected every move I make in my life, I don't know how to deal with them even still. My attempt is to identify them and pick them apart to see the truest form of truth in them. I hope that wrapping my head around the truth and learning what these "what if's" really are will help me to move past them.