I'm Losing the Battle

     Hopeless. No better word to describe me.Everything I touch turns to shit, I thoroughly ruin every good opportunity I get and when I don't someone makes sure that those times are ruined fully and completely.

I have nowhere to live, I have no one to talk to, the one thing that made me feel like I might have actually been born for a reason was ripped from me so harshly I don't know if I can recover from it to this day.I'm reminded every minute of every day that I had everything I wanted and tweice destroyed that. 

   I've been fighting so hard lately, I even got some serious help...and it's still not enough. I'm afraid, afraid I'm going to keep failing and I already know I bring bad luck and negativity to anyone who even tries to get close to me so I can never have anyone close to me ever again, so it's just me from now on. Just me.

   So now I sit here by myself and ask out loud, "Why keep going? Why am I still here? Am I wrong for still being here?How do I keep going on? What do I even do? Where do you go when there is no home, no solace...nothing and no one to fight for?" and I get no answers, no understanding. 

   I feel so empty inside, like I envy a time when I was only dead inside. I don't have a lot more words, or hope or reason to keep on trying. And I only see my future as learning how to live my worst nightmare out of being as alone as this world wants me to. 

   The light seems so dim, like impossible to bring back kind of dim. Sorry I don't have it in me to fake positivity.I don't have a lot left in the tank, 

July 13, 2024

 

     I'm in ghost mode in life and I don't know if there's another way. I'm hiding from those who wanted to destroy my reputation (and fully succeeded), I'm hiding from those who don't like me and never want to see me again (they won't) and I'm hiding every time I realize that the good people in my life are getting tired of me or starting to see that their life is better with me not in it (especially good people).

     I always make the joke that I want to move to a desert island which I use when I'm annoyed or interrupted by humans somehow, but what people close to me don't know is I want to be stuck on a desert island to protect them from me. I want to protect them from my soul, from my curse and from the darkness that follows me and everyone in my life. Although I use to think it was some kind of undeserved random curse put on me that I didn't earn and now I just have to live with; in absolutely unintentional ways, I earned it and deserve it and every single morning my first thought is realizing just now much I messed up without even trying.

     I honestly don't know what to do with my life, I hate myself and want to avoid everyone for their own sake but I desperately need and want some kind of companionship and hope there's someone that someone someday is willing to know I'm a mess but still be here with me. I know I'm at times annoying and at times toxic and at times I'm so obviously broken, I 'm truly trying to figure out how to be better but mos tof the time I don't think I'll be able to recover. I've been in therapy for a while now and really trying to buy into it. But it's not working. I'm trying my hardest at work but I'm failing. I'm really trying to not be clingy to the few who I consider a friend but I'm disgustingly failing at that too.

In fact the only thing I'm not completely terrible at is is going away. Once someone leaves my life, I absolutely never ever allow myself to put myself in their life in any way...I'm a ghost.If all I'm here for is to make sure no one has to deal with me and avoid even good people and the only way I can 'add' anything to this world is to keep me out of it, why am I even here?! Why does god force everyone to have to share the air and earth with such...trash as me?? I don't want to hurt anyone, I hate HATE that there are people, great people, who can't stand that I was ever a part of their world or think I would ever try to hurt them. I hate knowing people don't like me, even people who aren't good.

My existence is nothing, my life is nothing, my soul is nothing. Every time the thought about making anything right with anyone comes into my mind I reply to that with the fact that: my inexistence is my only available apology. 

Desert Island

 

     I've been on this island for a while now; trying to get off of it, trying to understand how I got here, trying to figure out what I can do from a land inhabited by no one. Can I harvest food? Can I find some way to bring some joy to a seeming wasteland of memories and regret and rage? Do I even want to leave? 

     Oh, to taste the things I tasted before. I remember how sweet it felt to do things that brought me comfort, how good it was to have the luxuries of favorite things...and a direction, a passion, and even little things like a can of soda. Back when I was on ground everything was so...I took so much for granted and I didn't/still don't fully realize what it means to go from solid main land to this island. The solitary isolation at times figuratively chokes me until I literally can't breathe and at other times it's starting to become the only thing I know and trust. God herself knows I can't trust anything else.

     I'm trying my hardest to keep my head above water, to keep from letting the insanity of my reality overtake me but this island does funny things to your mind when you only have your own broken thoughts to listen to and argue and eventually agree with. I tried catching fish but the water all around me is rotten and void of edible life and I tried to build a boat to carry me back to land but the barrier I created is too strong. It's like a hurricane wind, continually strengthening up when I go in the direction of freedom only.

     So I have two choices: look around the island and try to gather supplies to build something sustainable somehow or sit down. And stay there. Till the next big storm challenges me and wins. I've had tidal waves come ever so close to defeating me before, but that was on mainland. That was with technology and some kind of system in place to support my existence. Now I stand on the edge of this resort of sorts, looking out into the unending ocean and...I feel queasy. At best, I get numb and picture myself in a life worth living. One where I know what it means to be a superhero to someone, to anyone...or at least be willing to do what it takes to be one.

     The very last thing that brought me to this desert land was out of my control but I know that I caused the events that started that chain reaction the ended in my desolation here in the land of nowhere, nothing. I could be upset that things were 'unfair' or even wrong but an empty, lifeless detached paralysis regularly takes over because I know (in the back and front of my mind) that I directed my path to the place where 'unfair' and wrong and whatever other negative outcomes I see and absorb right nowhere the only possibilities. If you choose a flimsy  boat and push things way too far and put too much out there, what the hell do you expect as a result?! Right? 

     So I'm here, trying to convince myself something is worth something. I see that everything is better with me on this island, the grass actually is greener...as long as I'm thousands  of miles from the grass and can't hurt or ruin good things. 

     So I guess I DO know what to do. The only way to help the civilized world is to protect it from me.The greater good is the only thing that matters, right? And since I'm not good and I shouldn't be a part of civilization and since the grass deserves to be the best it can be, then this island is my home. And I can't let anyone step foot on the wasteland of a beach here. And I can't allow myself to believe I could be anything other than what I am, whatever that is.

     I used to say you can do anything as long as you put your mind to it and that's still true...for you. I just have to keep in my mind (at all times) the fact that I need to stay away from any main land, anyone's world and I need to stay away from anywhere that growth, positivity, love and unity are present. I make those things rot no matter what my intentions are or what I 'try' to accomplish.

     I won't forget what I am, nor will I forget the effect I have. 

Now what? I have no idea

      Sitting here, I was just thinking long and hard about a time when I could consider myself an athlete. I used to play hockey 4 days a week, practice probably twice that and played silly games with Tre when he was under 10 years old and energetic as possible. But now, I sit here typing at 2:42 in the morning in Wisconsin after eating a small bowl of dry cereal just to taste something sweet. And this is after a full day of fighting bitterness by ignoring the rest of the world in my room by myself.

     I have no idea how I got to where I am, life seems so crazy. At times I feel like I'm at my most sane ever and other times I feel like I can't complete one single simple thought without needing to question just how insane it is. I feel so alone, I haven't had a real conversation with any humans in months and even longer since I trusted anyone or anything...or at least I thought I trusted. I've since found out that so much of what I trusted was a complete lie and that's one of the hardest lessons I've ever learned.

     So I sit here this late ( or early if you're an optimist) and I wonder what it would take for me...the brokenest whatever I am to find even a small amount of calmness or peace or...something good rather than the most tense version of anxiety that has kept me at a great distance from the nearest comfort.

     I've had so much time to dwell  in my own thoughts and I have no idea how to get away from recent events that changed the course of my entire future. For the first time ever, I thought I found my purpose. I thought I never had to wonder where my heart would be fully invested in again. I thought, "This won't be easy and won't ever allow me to glorify myself or have a career of any kind but the reward of helping those that truly need and deserve it was worth it all. To be clear, none of that is a sacrifice I ever deserved or wanted any credit for; I want to be worth sacrificing things but my life was worthless so there's nothing to take any credit or "clout" it was just a path I thought was settled from now on.

     All that was taken away, some was my fault and some was not. Once rumors were started, too many believed without even questioning even the ridiculous ones; I learned who was never actually on my side and who just didn't care to even ask if I was doing or saying crazy things. I've been angry, sad, hurt, destroyed, reflecting on every single action I committed and so many more emotions that I truly think have aged me decades in the last 6 months. I'm trying my hardest to find a reason not to give up and leave everyone on this earth better off without me and my cursed soul in their way...I'm not really finding much to hold onto  or to convince me to stay. In fact, I've seen so much that proves I'm being selfish and doing wrong by NOT leaving everyone for good. 

     Guess we'll see what the future holds...I don't really have many answers...

It is what it is

   Well...it's Saturday night, February 24th 2024. If you would have asked five years ago me to predict 1000 different possibilities for where I'd be right now, I wouldn't have even come close to this. I'm in Appleton, Wisconsin. I'm sitting in a room by myself, sitting in the knowledge that the reality I'm in right now is both so far from anything I've ever experienced before AND exactly the same as always.

   I sit here, feeling the weight of everything I've done to people I let get close to me. Every time I pushed them away and then realized that I need them and they don't need me so I fought hard to get in their lives. I fought so hard to get back in and then either got insulted by some little thing, put things together that may or may not have actually been what I thought, or I felt the difference between me and them and tried to do what's right for them and distanced again.

   Before I thought, "I want to be like these people. I want to emulate them and grow into something like they are and maybe learn how to BE them." Like maybe if I spent enough time around happy whole people, people who have hearts and smart minds and good morals, then maybe it would become my nature. I thought the bad apple could learn to be ripe again.

I learned some things, I grew in ways and I gained an understanding of my mind in ways that took me to a new level in life. Sounds great, right? Sounds almost like I got what I wanted.

The flaw in my plan was that some of the 'bad apple' in me grew into them as well, I hurt their existence and corrupted them in ways I didn't even realize I could. Like an evil seeped into their souls, an evil that never would have had a way in without me. I made them worse people.

   I also learned some things about me that changed my world and everyone's understanding of who I am. Most of them walked away from me. They washed their hands of my existence, they realized they were better completely forgetting that I ever was a part of theirs. They made the right choice. I didn't.

   Instead of learning from that and realizing I was the curse to their souls, I thought I could get better. I selfishly wanted friends who were strong enough to fight that curse and through life I could learn how to be strong like them and fight this curse too. It took me about seven years to get too selfish and let people in my world again.

I met some people who were the strongest I've ever seen. Long story short...I only found new ways to hurt people, ways I didn't even see coming even when I was in the middle of it. Wasn't what they think, they think I tried to take things from them and use them and pretend I was one of them. I didn't do that, I never lied to them even once. But...

...but I found a way to make their entire world worse without deceit, lies or maliciousness. This 'curse' (me, I'm the curse) put their lives in such a worse place they considered shutting down their life's work. I misspoke many times. I let my emotions lead way too many times, I was too honest almost all the time and I let my absolute unconfidence infest the universe I brought them into until it threatened their life. In a way that statement is metaphorical since I never ACTUALLY threatened them (and I never would, I love them more than probably almost anyone. I'd do anything for them. Anything.) but in some ways I saw a life nearly lost more than once while I was around and when I was not emotionally close, things went back to better again.

Because I am the curse. I am the evil that destroys souls and lives.

Even when I try my hardest to be a help.

   Now to be clear, I'm not suggesting doing anything to myself because I don't deserve to just get out while others have been forever changed for the much worse. That's not how I'm going to disrespect those lives, they deserve better and I don't.

I have to walk this earth, probably for many years to come knowing every minute of every day that I met the greatest people, that I hurt them and can't take it back. I have to understand every minute I'm breathing that I broke something in the best people. I didn't break them, because they're better than that, but I broke something in them that I can't undo. I can't apologize them back to being whole, I can't even say one word they'll trust ever again.

So that will be in the front of my mind every minute of every day, in every smile I fake and every good deed I try to dissolve the evil with and every tear I don't shed that I want to. I will keep this pain where others keep joy, and I'll make sure that no one ever has to know this evil ever again. No one deserves to know what it looks like or tastes like or feels like, only me. It's my cross to bear shamefully until my last day...and maybe beyond that too. Alone.

The minute- no, the second I forget this? Others get hurt. I can't take that chance, I can't let anyone in ever again.

Since I'm the only one who will see this, I'll read it whenever I think I might be unintentionally forgetting just how important it is for me to keep anyone I care about from my darkness.

Note to myself: never mistake this with being a good deed. I. Deserve. Nothing.

so, I guess...

Not just Something...Everything.

   So in a few weeks, I went from: having a really great friend, a community that meant the world to me, a job that I was proud of and a plan to having no job (at least a tthe moment), no best friend kinda people and I just moved to a new town. Oh and the community I was invested in is now in question.

Aaaand it's pretty much all my fault.Yay.

   Oh and I'm staying away from virtually all social media for an indefinite ambiguous amount of time, and I never knew just how much it affects my world to not be on almost any social media platforms.

   I was doing ok during the day today, I went for a bike ride where I saw a bunch of really cool stuff and places in the town I just moved to, but tonight was/is really rough. I'm alone. Like no one in a million miles/pretty sure everyone who has ever interacted with me has forgotten completely that I ever existed/even watching stuff I really like doesn't even come close to quenching that need I have for people even though I push people away before I realize just how much I pushed them away.

Wow, that was a lot, and for a bonus it really hurt to write all that.

   I need to change. My personality, my heart, my...geez everything. I always knew I suck but boy did I underestimate just how much I suck. To anyone who has had to put up with me, I'm sorry. You're a saint for not leaving sooner.

Damn. I'm not even sad I'm just...damn.

Today in the A.

 Exploring is one of my favorite things to do. I remember being a kid and always getting in trouble for roaming away from the group, but I never listened because I wanted to explore. I wanted to see things I had never seen before, I wanted to just see something I didn't see everyday.

   And I'm stuff that very way. Today I rode my bike around a town I just moved to and it was amazing seeing the beautiful sights of Menasha and Appleton. 

I rode my electric bike around and went so far my bike almost died, at the end I was laughing hard while watching my battery go WAYYY down.

   It was a good ride and since the day's not over I may go for another ride tonight, or tomorrow at the least. And the weird part is having no social media other than this right now. I'm learning just how addicted I am to social media. It was kinda nice just enjoying the ride without thinking about getting shots and holding my phone at angles to show the scenes around me. I just listened to music and let my eyes be my only social media. Weird, but good.

   I also am sadly really into one anime, ha ha ha. Call mean nerd but I just stumbled on the live action One Piece and I'm absolutely loving it! A lot of it is shot for shot with the original and other than a few voice changes, they're doing a pretty decent job with this. Not sure what I'm gonna watch after this, I'm watching the last episode available right now.

   I'm really trying to work on me and learn from my mistakes right now. I know that when I love people, I love them further than the boundaries of heaven or hell and I would do anything for them. I know I need to keep that care in check, there are times to let go and I'm not good at that part, when I feel like I'm losing people or things I try my hardest to hold on tight...even when sometimes I shouldn't. I'll be honest, I don't understand that at all but I'm trying hard to not take any of this for granted. 

   I also know that I will be much more deliberate with my words from now on. I hope anyone who knows me knows I would never say anything with intent to hurt the people I love the most. Not ever. And those who are going through things a million times worse than my worst...I would never ever consider myself on their level. I want to make my life's goal for others to realize what these heroes are going through. Nothing more. 

   Anyway, I haven't really been able to eat for a while now so I'm gonna force myself to put something in my stomach. And I'm gonna try to have a good night, maybe even smile. I feel alone, I hope someday to know the feeling of not being that.

Everything I did was wrong

 

   I'm laying here in bed, thinking about the past year. Every step of the way I wanted to do right and  be a help and make the world better for my friends, especially one family...but I did the exact opposite. I hurt them and made them worse. 

I pushed myself into their personal lives and came between them and said things that hurt their feelings without realizing it. The whole time I've been telling them over and over that I want to help families stay together, be stronger and be the family they're trying to be. That's been the most important thing to me.

And while nothing inappropriate was ever talked about or happened anywhere, I took up to much of the wife's time, I said things that their daughter (a cancer warrior who is one of the greatest people I've ever met) heard and was hurt by and I tried to inject myself into their lives overall in a way that I never would have.

   I've spent the last maybe 15 hours punishing myself, I thought over and over about what it means to call myself an advocate and what it means to 'fight' for families. I don't deserve to use those terms referring to myself. I broke bonds that may never be healed ever again, not only possibly with them but in me. 

I opened up and trusted them, I allowed myself to connect with them on an emotional level and be completely honest, I accepted fully that maybe they were 'like family' when I wasn't, I'm not and I don't deserve to be.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to open up with anyone ever again, it took me decades to find someone I thought of as a sister, someone I felt like I could talk to about anything and actually feel comfortable with. I treated their kids like my own family, that's sweet to care so much but it was not my place. I'm not one of them and i have no faith that I'll ever have a place I fit in or belong.

Make no mistake, my sadness and regret isn't for myself. I hurt a family of superheroes. They are the victims and they deserve all the respect, focus and live. I deserve nothing. And I have to live with this for the rest of my days, knowing that my actions nearly destroyed one of the greatest families I've ever known.

Where do I go from here? Honestly I feel like slowly disappearing from their entire community until they all completely forget about me and ending myself, when my life (or lack thereof) wouldn't hit close to home with them. But I also feel like the punishment for my actions deserves to be living with this, knowing I intentionally almost broke a family that is going to change the entire world. Knowing I lost the greatest people as friends and feeling that burn my soul from the inside out as I sit alone and watch it from afar.

No matter what happens to me from here on, I have to and will live with the fact that I knew superheroes and I never get to have the bond with them that I wished I had. 

In case by any chance they're reading this, everything is dedicated to the S family. I am so so sorry. Those words aren't nearly enough but I need to say them. I will never ever put you or any other family in this kind of situation ever again. I don't know what my promise is worth so I won't use that, I'll just do my best to repay this to the entire world, I'll never ever stop supporting you all or caring about your family...even if it's from a distance, and with no communication. I'm sorry.

I got what I deserved, right?

What dreams may come, what nightmares dwell.

When lightness and love are drug to hell.

What's seen is felt, what darts are dealt, what darkness grows, what rainbows melt.

When the day grows dim, 

when reality's claw starts to sink in,

when the walls close in and fill everything in,

when even the most inconsequential smallest pieces of treasure have been burned to ashes

and when hope has been erased,

that's where my tears were buried and my soul died.

Why do I Love Horror?

     I love horror films, I have since I was a little kid. And not only do I love them but I love every aspect of the genre, I love bad horror movies, great ones, how they're made and what goes into the psychology of creating a truly scary movie.

     The question was proposed: why? Why do I love seeing all that gore or suspense or why do I enjoy seeing a character that harms people? The question why is an interesting one and I want to explore that in me and in society. Let's get into it.

     Starting with me, I saw my first horror...well suspense movie when I was 2 years old. It was the first movie I ever watched, I watched a scene on a beach when a woman was swimming and something grabbed her. Jaws made a huge impact on me at that young age and my first reaction (as I've been told by relatives many many times) was how I saw the movie from the shark's point of view. At 2 years old, I cried when they killed the shark because my innocence didn't understand the shark was endangering people. 

But here's something that ALSO happened subconsciously: that movie put my fears into a box. At the time I'm sure I had simple fears; things that a 2-4 year old are scared of can be considered simple to us at 20-30 or older, right? A few years later when I was dealing with family abuse and being bullied and not fitting in, things that teenagers deal with, and I realized that those horror movies became an escape and it taught my mind how to put fear in a box.

     Here's the societal part of this: more often than not, we find ways to cope with terrible things by putting our fears in a certain box. If we contain our fear, whether it's by running away from it or putting a face on it or running at it head on, just about everyone puts their personal fear in a box.

George Romero explained Night of the Living Dead as his depiction of aids, racism and anything that we face that cannot be stopped no matter how far away it is and how slowly it comes at us. That movie gave death (something we can try but never outrun) a face and a mental idea of how to look at it, we put death in a box with zombie movies. These fears or concepts are hard to fathom and can be destructive to our conscious minds, so gaining some control over how we understand these can be really helpful in truly grasping what they can be or do. 

     Another thing I personally use on a regular basis that came from horror films is sensitivity to situations, to people and to real life potential dangers. Probably the most relatable example of this is from a 2003 movie that shows a traffic scene where a truck holding logs is in front of the protagonist. It definitely created some over thinking of that particular scenario but the positive thing it DID do was give many of us a sensitivity to our own surroundings. 

We watch movies where a masked villain is following  the main character and we, as a society, look around when we're in situations where there could be someone following us later in life. And again, though we'll have many times where we're overanalyzing moments, there are times when wedevelope more sensitivity to actual dangerous times and have caught ourselves before entering actual danger.

     So in answering this question, it's been eye opening to dissect and figure out why I love horror movies on both a conscious and subconscious level. I think those of us who are able to see these films and hear these stories with our subconscious open to what the underlying lesson is can actually help in ways. All of that is said with the knowledge that there is a 'too much' of literally everything, so limiting even favorite things is always smart. And not liking horrors only means you are in a different phase or you aren't in need of quarantining some aspects of life, it's very interesting to be in every phase of your subconscious life.

     If this helped you in any way, please let me know. We can learn a lot from why we enjoy things we enjoy and how we react to things. Thank you for reading this far and I hope you have a legendary day!

Beginning from Scratch (October 19, 2022)

     Ok so...things are about to get real. Have you ever felt like you were in a rut? Or  better yet, have you ever felt like you're miserable in life, but like you didn't want to do anything because though it's miserable...you were comfortable?

I have. I did. I am. I do.

That's a hole of a feeling, it's the worst. I've been to the point of wanting to end myself because I just...I hate feeling so empty and stuck. So I am currently doing something about it. I am currently getting ready to move. Out of the Philadelphia market, something I've never done in my 40 years (with 2 very short exceptions in the early 00's) I'm moving to the Nashville Tennessee area and I'm terrified, I'm nervous, I'm excited and mostly I'm busy trying to find a place to live there.

     The background: On a whim, I decided to see if there were any openings with my company out of my area and randomly applied for one that I found in Nashville. Before I knew it, I got a phone interview set up and I was then looking for places there.

This is insane and I'm terrified that things won't work, I'm also cleaning my room up and getting rid of A LOT of junk I've collected over the years...but ya know what I'm not feeling? Suicidal. Depressed. And I'm not homesick. I've never felt like I had a home, the closest is I've wanted to not be wherever I was at the moment. The only thing I'm going to miss is seeing my Philadelphia Flyers in their home arena

     Now part of the background is why I decided to make a move and that's a beast on it's own. Wanna get into it? Ooook.

I lost my entire support group, my friend group not too long ago. For around 2 years now, I've had a very few friends and really Tiktok has been my main way to talk to people outside of work. And with having some kind of connection outside work situations being such a big and important part of me, I started to shell up and need that more and more. 

And I wish I could say this wasn't true but it was, I had very strong feelings for a person that did not even slightly return those feelings, making my life as uncomfortable as could be. I want so deeply for her to see what I see and feel what I feel but I never ever ever want to become a negative in her universe, which I think started to happen. 

Who knows, maybe I needed that to kick start a giant change of scenery. Maybe that was part of the plan all along (I doubt it because God seemed to have a distaste for anything good happening for me in any way) 

So those and probably a few other insignificant reasons, I felt the need to get up and go rising over the last...maybe year

. So I am Nashville bound, with no place to live yet and (at this very moment) my phone interview at the store there not an actual certainty, I am terrified that some or all of this won't work out. I can say this, no matter what happens from here on out, my life is about to change in a very very big way. Could be for the better, could be for the worse, it could kinda even out in some way but...things will be different.

Talking about my mentality

     So I recently did a thing, something I'm kind of embarrassed about. No, I didn't commit any crimes or really hurt anyone; I asked someone to be my friend.

Did I get your attention? Hope so, because I need to talk it out and figure out how to change myself here. Before I explain, let me iterate. Is iterate a word? I know reiterate is but that's stating something more than once, right? I'm rambling...ok back on track:

So, like many stories this one starts with "So there's this girl..." 

(And before you say anything, I'm trans. I know this. Just to clear this up, that's about my internal comfort not about my sexuality. Aaaand I know it's confusing, I know it throws a wrench into a lot of things. I'm trying to find a way to be both comfortable AND navigate areas of life that it affects)

So...there's this girl. I work with her. And without her knowledge, she broke into my personal broken and very guarded bubble of emotions. I honestly still don't know how but she did with just a smile.

For the sake of this public post, I'm going to call her...Angel. Yeah, so I saw Angel kinda a long time ago but knew somehow that if I even thought about her for one second, I'd feel something for her and I avoided her like she was a spider and I was, well, me. That was fine, one day I ended working in her area and she (not knowing anything about me, just being nice) offered some help with what I was doing.

We ended up talking and I found out she was in a serious relationship, and a few things that she likes and just kinda talked. Now I am very very serious about lushly so when I heard she's taken, I knew I was right to avoid her. Politely, of course, but I didn't allow myself to think a single thought and all was what it was.

Because I'm very good at being invisible, one day I overheard the person she was with and serious about cheated on here...a lot. Initially I wanted to be so angry, because even though I avoided her and did what I had to in order to not think about her, she means something to me. I walked away and couldn't help but think about what if we became friends and (for once in my life) it could work out. I know, it's too soon and she has zero interest in me AND she's gotta be hurting so I didn't do anything romantic or anything like that. I just made myself a little more open and social. 

I'm an introvert so it took me weeks to even be able to open up, to anyone not just her. I made myself visible, I talked to people instead of quietly walking by and waving, I tried to be...not me. And it worked. 

I think somewhere in me it's a talkative human that's been beaten down and ground into a painfully shy introverted mouse. And I was genuinely trying to bring that human out more and more. I think she noticed that I was at least being a little more social, she said hi to me more and more, she smiled when she saw me and I tried to not overdo it but I responded in kind.

So valentine's day came around and I really wanted to do something nice for her. Not exactly to get closer but I knew she was probably hurting about everything and I wanted to make her smile, like for real not. Be flattered. Maybe even be happy in some small way.

I stopped at a store before work and bought her a generic card. In the card I said I wanted her to smile because her smile makes the whole world a little big brighter and cake here the most beautiful girl in the world. 

I planned on giving it to her when I saw her and I was excited, nervous, genuinely hoping it made her smile a real smile. I didn't expect anything back or want to get closer to her really, at best I wanted to open a door to friendship.

So, I went to work...aaaand she was super busy all day. Like 'didn't stop even once' busy. Of. Course.

Plus she didn't seem sad or anything, so I didn't give it to her. Days went by and I didn't see her even once. Seven days in fact and we didn't work the same schedule. I had the card with me, debated leaving it on her desk and decided I had to either hand it to her or drop it and let it go. (I should have done tha, I'm not smart enough to listen to my own good advice though.)

So one week after V day, I decided that if I get a moment to talk to her I'd give her the card and I'd there was absolutely no time to catch her, I'd throw it away. All day I worked at the opposite end of the building and I thought that was it. That's my answer. The universe said no.

Then just as I was cleaning up to leave, she walked next to me and said hi. "THIS IS IT!" I thought. "This is my chance!" So I stopped here and have her the card, through a nervous voice. She gave me a hug, then left. Cool. Hopefully she liked it. I didn't see her for maybe 2 weeks because it just worked out that way.

I just wanted to see her long enough to say hi, see how she responds to the card and my hope was too ask her to give me a call or hang out. I know this is forward for this story but my thought was, I'm not trying to actually get into a relationship, I just leaned how to open up in any way so I just wanted to get to know her and potentially bean actual friend outside of work.

3 weeks go buy and I didn't see her even once. I was terrified that she hated that I have her the V day card and didn't know what to do. I did know that is she wasn't okay with it, I was going to be so invisible that she wouldn't know I existed even if I was right next to her. I was not, am not, will not ever be a person who pushes anyone to do anything they aren't comfortable with.

Ok, so in that 3 weeks I considered writing a letter to her; just asking her if she wanted/needed a friend. I figured if I give here a letter, she doesn't have to look at me if she wasn't okay with it. I said something like of she doesn't want to call or hang out I wouldn't bother her. 

I obviously write a letter, debated leaving it on her desk, didn't, did, didn't, put it on her desk then took it off...over that 3 weeks. Then, I did it. I put it on her desk on a Friday. I left it there and left for the weekend.

Nerves ran through me, I was happy because I thought at the least she might smile. Like, even if she's not interested in being something serious, shed possibly at least be a friend. 

All weekend I pictured her calling and saying she just wanted someone to talk to, or texting me. Some kind of small talk or basic friend type conversation. Didn't hear from here Saturday, then Sunday, then Monday and by Tuesday I worked a close schedule and she didn't say hi or smile like before. And...there it was...all the thoughts I considered absolutely shattered as she clearly didn't like that I did anything. 

The valentine's day card, the letter, the talking to her more. I had given negativity to the girl I've been thinking about day and night for almost a year. Every ounce of socialness (is that a word?) drained out of me in a matter of seconds as the realization hit me that I'd never get to be a friend. And the thought of not ending up with her...that still hurts ass I type out right now. I avoided her hard! I have her so much space that since then, she might not even know I still work there. 

A few weeks after that, a coworker found out I was the one who gave her the letter and that person told me she wasn't happy about it, though any details weren't given to said coworker. She made it clear to that person that Angel is essentially grossed out (my words based on the conversation) by me and that even being a friend isn't even a thing she'd ever even consider.

Since then I've not seen her for literally 2 seconds, she never said a word to me and I'm trying my best to move on. It's not working but that has nothing to do with her, it's my problem alone to deal with. 

Sooo...the reason I said I'm embarrassed, you say? Well there's a while other side to this, my side.

     So I've been broken for a while now. I was in a really bad relationship about 7 years ago, the person I was with was manipulative and really damaged me. She physically assaulted me once, did all the stereotypical narcissist things and in the end, I was unable to feel. 

3 years ago, of the girl of my dreams had walked up to me and begged me to date her, I would have had no problem saying no. I wasn't even capable of love it anything. I was actually starting to think I might be a sociopath, like for real. I shut all feelings off and that's very very not like me. At all. I've been a hopeless romantic since I was 6, so to not even be able to want love, that scared me.

2 years ago, I started mentally prepare to not live long. I didn't know quite what that meant but it started beginning apparent that I'm not made to last here, I had no real friends who I can lean on or spend time with, I have absolutely no path or purpose and I was losing control of my ability to care, about anything.

The only thing that happened that was any good was a social media platform I started to succeed with. That's not enough to keep me from preparing for my end, but it was cool. 

Then, about a year ago something happened. I saw this girl. My heart literally skipped a beat. I couldn't breathe and just her smile (not at me) made my entire day bright. I had a feeling! It shocked me. It confused me. I didn't know how to react.

I'm really sensitive to emotions of others, even when someone feels something and don't show it, I can feel it. And something that seemed greater than me seemed to magnetically pull me to Angel. When I first realized this, I avoided her but that magnetism was really strong. It wasn't because she's pretty (although she is literally the most beautiful girl in the world, whether she loves me or hates me, I can't deny that), it wasn't because she had something or did something; it was like her soul called out to me in a different realm, or so I thought.

At that time I was still heavily convinced that my end was coming within days, weeks or maybe months. So thinking about that, every single day that I didn't end gave me the thought, "This could be the last time I talk to this person." Or "This could be the last time I ride my bike down this street." Everything could be a last time ever.

It was weird to feel some kind of spiritual cosmic feeling but also be ready to go. Angel had and has no idea any of this is going on, she knows absolutely nothing about me or exactly how I feel...and she won't.

I refused to say I love her because I didn't get close enough to love, but I think it's safe to say I do. I love her enough to exit her life before I really enter and let her be happy. 

And one more thing, I have this curse. Well it's a curse to me, it's kinda a great thing to others. 

One is: when I leave anyone's life, their life gets better. Things start going their way and luck seems to find them.

The other is whenever I truly love someone, they find their 'one' and so far every single person who finds someone ends up living happily ever after. So Angel is about to find her perfect person, she'll get married within...I'll say, within 2 years she'll be married and have at least one child. 

Neither curse has even one opposing evidence. Not even one. 

I guess the bright side is in a way I'm making Angel happy...glass half full, right? 

That's the story of how I met someone else's love, kids.

I See Things on a Deeper Level

     Friday March 25, 2022 - I'm awake a few hours before my alarm, I should be asleep but I woke up with this feeling; this 'something big is going to do something big' feeling. I don't know what that means, I wish I did. I don't know if that is some deep premonition or if I should not eat spicy food before going to sleep but this instinctive feeling woke me up from a nightmare so...here I am.

     I have this persistent desire to find this big thing that's doing big things and...help it or stop it or make it grow or chop it down...I DON'T KNOW WHAT, something.

I get these feelings, these thoughts sometimes. Always have and sometimes I fear I always will. It's like I see things on a different level than just the world we all walk on. More than just ones and zeroes or skin and bones, I see potential as real as the grass that I can touch and intentions or emotions as personal as friends I know.

I've had this ability for a long time, I remember as a kid seeing things in people; things like their heart as if they hopes and dreams right in front of me.

To give an example: in the early 90's I was a kid and I saw this commercial for some cheesy movie. Or was originally called Stepkids (later renamed Big Girls Don't Cry...They Get Even) and something in the commercial shouted to me that I had to see it. And I don't mean that it was week made or it was really good because...it wasn't really that good.

 

I just knew beneath the script or the plot there was something so deeply important to my being that I had to experience it. I was 9 or 10 when I went through this, not exactly something I hear 9 year olds talk about or care about. I remember thinking my destiny, my whole world, needed to see it.

And out of the experience of seeing some movie in 1991, something stuck out to me that to this day still hours depths in me that I can't explain fully: Adrienne Shelly. 

Adrienne Shelly was an actress who had depth most people don't know ever existed, and I as a small child felt that. I felt it through some movie that she didn't enjoy being a part of, and I never had the pleasure of meeting her or even being in the same area ever. But something in her acting in that movie...something touched my very soul.

Her greatest desires were, I found out in 2022 in a documentary about her, to have a daughter and to be part of something bigger than just herself. Back then I didn't know why but I felt her spirit in a way through a small role she had in that B movie and I felt as if we were not connected necessarily but we had the same kind of soul.

I watched the documentary about her murder and every single word she says, every movement she makes, I can feel her hopes and dreams as if she's telling me in specific detail in her own words.

     That's not the only time I've felt this, I randomly meet people who make me nervous or who I feel an absolute need to know. So many times I don't understand why but someone will make such a deep impression on me with only a few words or even just being near me. Sometimes I know exactly why like when it's someone to stay away from, sometimes a person's aura just feeds me in a strange way, I just want to soak up every bit of someone's energy and bathe in their thoughts, drink from their love and breathe in their every glance. 

Sometimes I only know I want to be around them and hear what their soul says to me, like some misunderstood whisperer, only I know that's not exactly how this is. I have no power or talent of any kind. It's not magic or anything that anyone else can't do, I probably went through trauma as a kid that left me sensitive to the way certain people act or speak. 

     Whatever the reason, it would be up hours early this morning and I watched a few minutes of Adrienne Shelly's last movie, Waitress. I didn't get some divine message from it, well nothing deeper than anything any person who watches it could get. The only thing that hit me right now is that I see people's souls, potential and dreams just as much as I can see their skin, clothes and hair. (Not physically, I hope that's clear. I promise I'm not crazy...I hope.)

Maybe I shouldn't write at 4 in the morning but I feel something big coming. Something that may seem like nothing on the surface but beneath that it's life changing...I just hope it's what I want it to be. ❤️

I Can't Escape It

     I had a dream last night and I don't think another dream has ever scared me this much before.

I had this dream that I was invited to someone's house for dinner, I didn't want to go because I was hurting too much; hurting too much inside. They kept trying to bring me inside and treat me like part of their family. And after a while of them trying unsuccessfully, they took my bike away from me and said I could only get it back after dinner.

I sat down and could barely handle it. I wanted to cry, to sob, right there at the table. I felt like hopelessness would have been a step up, as if I knew there was not a single thing on earth that could fix...me. I tried, I really tried to just be normal and calm and smile but I just barely kept tears from pouring down my face.

After about 5 minutes of everyone around me talking and greeting each other and laughter, someone brought the dinner out. I was slightly eased by the fact that the dinner meant I could leave sooner.

They brought the actual plate of food in using my bicycle to carry it and the moment they put the food on the table, I politely (as politely as I was able through tears and a forced smile), I took the handlebars of my bike, walked it out the door and started riding down the street.

As I rode, I just started sobbing, harder than I ever have before. I couldn't control the painh for another second and I fell on some grass in some yard. It must have been my place because I walked to the back yard and opened a shed door.

As I opened the door and guided my bike in, I felt like someone was following me. I imagined someone coming to steal my bike and kill me. I had that second of fear but the hopelessness and emptiness took over and I hoped I was right, I wanted someone to come and end me. I stepped out of the shed, dropped the bike behind me and waited for someone to do it. I held my hands up in the air in a "what now" pose and closed my eyes (I was crying so hard, I can still feel that emotion as I'm writing this hours later) 

When no one came to rob me, I just dropped to the ground, no energy to even stand anymore. I began loudly sobbing, moaning and screaming that I just want to be done (though I was more blunt with my words. It's actually hard to type the exact words at the moment) 

And in a heap on the ground, as I wailed in the most empty terrifying pain I had ever known, I lsot that feeling that someone was around even to hurt me. There was no one to help me or do anything about the pain, there was no one to attack me or steal from me, there was...just...no one. Anywhere.

I remember looking around and all the cars in the street nearby were in the road, abandoned with some doors still opened and there was faint music coming from someone's house and thie erie sound of win became louder even though there was no actual win blowing. It was like an empty sound filling everything.

I woke up sobbing and saying the phrase I screamed in my dream and looking around for someone to please attack me (or hug me or to someone how make it better, however that happened) My hands were clenched so hard I have a cut on the inside of my palm and I still, this very second, feel like emptiness is more painful than any physical pain.

     I'm trying so hard to hold out for some...thing, some miracle. I just...I'm running out of reasons to believe in anything anymore. Sorry this isn't more positive, but this is as honest and vulnerable as I truly am. 

     Searching for...something. Anything.