It is what it is

   Well...it's Saturday night, February 24th 2024. If you would have asked five years ago me to predict 1000 different possibilities for where I'd be right now, I wouldn't have even come close to this. I'm in Appleton, Wisconsin. I'm sitting in a room by myself, sitting in the knowledge that the reality I'm in right now is both so far from anything I've ever experienced before AND exactly the same as always.

   I sit here, feeling the weight of everything I've done to people I let get close to me. Every time I pushed them away and then realized that I need them and they don't need me so I fought hard to get in their lives. I fought so hard to get back in and then either got insulted by some little thing, put things together that may or may not have actually been what I thought, or I felt the difference between me and them and tried to do what's right for them and distanced again.

   Before I thought, "I want to be like these people. I want to emulate them and grow into something like they are and maybe learn how to BE them." Like maybe if I spent enough time around happy whole people, people who have hearts and smart minds and good morals, then maybe it would become my nature. I thought the bad apple could learn to be ripe again.

I learned some things, I grew in ways and I gained an understanding of my mind in ways that took me to a new level in life. Sounds great, right? Sounds almost like I got what I wanted.

The flaw in my plan was that some of the 'bad apple' in me grew into them as well, I hurt their existence and corrupted them in ways I didn't even realize I could. Like an evil seeped into their souls, an evil that never would have had a way in without me. I made them worse people.

   I also learned some things about me that changed my world and everyone's understanding of who I am. Most of them walked away from me. They washed their hands of my existence, they realized they were better completely forgetting that I ever was a part of theirs. They made the right choice. I didn't.

   Instead of learning from that and realizing I was the curse to their souls, I thought I could get better. I selfishly wanted friends who were strong enough to fight that curse and through life I could learn how to be strong like them and fight this curse too. It took me about seven years to get too selfish and let people in my world again.

I met some people who were the strongest I've ever seen. Long story short...I only found new ways to hurt people, ways I didn't even see coming even when I was in the middle of it. Wasn't what they think, they think I tried to take things from them and use them and pretend I was one of them. I didn't do that, I never lied to them even once. But...

...but I found a way to make their entire world worse without deceit, lies or maliciousness. This 'curse' (me, I'm the curse) put their lives in such a worse place they considered shutting down their life's work. I misspoke many times. I let my emotions lead way too many times, I was too honest almost all the time and I let my absolute unconfidence infest the universe I brought them into until it threatened their life. In a way that statement is metaphorical since I never ACTUALLY threatened them (and I never would, I love them more than probably almost anyone. I'd do anything for them. Anything.) but in some ways I saw a life nearly lost more than once while I was around and when I was not emotionally close, things went back to better again.

Because I am the curse. I am the evil that destroys souls and lives.

Even when I try my hardest to be a help.

   Now to be clear, I'm not suggesting doing anything to myself because I don't deserve to just get out while others have been forever changed for the much worse. That's not how I'm going to disrespect those lives, they deserve better and I don't.

I have to walk this earth, probably for many years to come knowing every minute of every day that I met the greatest people, that I hurt them and can't take it back. I have to understand every minute I'm breathing that I broke something in the best people. I didn't break them, because they're better than that, but I broke something in them that I can't undo. I can't apologize them back to being whole, I can't even say one word they'll trust ever again.

So that will be in the front of my mind every minute of every day, in every smile I fake and every good deed I try to dissolve the evil with and every tear I don't shed that I want to. I will keep this pain where others keep joy, and I'll make sure that no one ever has to know this evil ever again. No one deserves to know what it looks like or tastes like or feels like, only me. It's my cross to bear shamefully until my last day...and maybe beyond that too. Alone.

The minute- no, the second I forget this? Others get hurt. I can't take that chance, I can't let anyone in ever again.

Since I'm the only one who will see this, I'll read it whenever I think I might be unintentionally forgetting just how important it is for me to keep anyone I care about from my darkness.

Note to myself: never mistake this with being a good deed. I. Deserve. Nothing.

so, I guess...

It's Always Something

     I have a tooth ache. I have anxiety. I feel sick. Migraines, migraines, migraines. I forgot my ibuprofen. My dog ate my homework. My aunt is sick. My grandmother died. My pet ran away.

My boss called my into her office recently and after talking for a while she asked me, "Is everything okay? Is something going on?" I kinda laughed and said I'm fine so we could continue the conversation.

The truth was I wasn't fine at all, I had a bad anxiety attack at work and was barely able to breathe while we were talking but that didn't matter...once I found out I wasn't in trouble or anything was wrong. Part of my anxiety was that conversation, the boss asked me to see her in her office "at the end of the day"

     After the conversation, I thought about that question. No I'm not okay, I'm going through something. I'm just about always going through something whether it's a migraine or anxiety or whatever, always something.

And the reason that question is important is because of a few things I'm trying to do in life right now. I'm trying to do things that uplift others and create positivity in my own currently broken heart and
that is no easy task with something always going on. But I know I need to keep going, I need to fight through all the 'somethings' and try.

     One night recently, I was on instagram and saw a celebrity who took a picture and hid it somewhere. Jason Lee taped it to a stop sign and someday someone's gonna find it. If he signed it, they're gonna get a personal photo from the voice of Syndrome...or if it was me, Brody from Mallrats (my favorite Kevin Smith movie, make fun if you want) and how cool would it be to find something like that.

     So that instantly inspired me to do something similar, although my fame is quite limited compared to...well anyone. Just finding a photo from me isn't exactly something that anyone would love to find
just because BUT if I wrote a letter to someone maybe I can uplift someone somehow. That thought grew into writing a letter to a stranger that they might possibly need to read.

     So I thought about this country and where so many people are. Depression, anxiety, suicide, mentally just beaten from every direction...everyone needs to hear that they're worth it. I don't know one person who doesn't need a little pick-me-up from kinda no one.

     So I wrote a letter that I would like to find and read myself and I put it in a zip locked bag. Then I wrote another and put it in a zip locked bag. So far it's been rainy so I've only had the chance to hide one but my plan is to make many more of these letters and hide them in random places.



     I want to grow a trend of helping people in a way that I might not be able to in person, sometimes if someone is standing there, people feel the need to put on a show and act like they appreciate acts more than they actually feel. It's a mask of sorts and that can completely ruin the actual meaning behind it all.

If someone randomly finds a letter that says, "You're worth it even though life sucks sometimes." hopefully they won't feel like they need to thank anyone or act like they're okay and they can truly receive the blessing.





     Getting back to the beginning, there's always going to be something that can stop me and they're always going to at least sound legitimate. I don't want to let them stop me from doing the only thing I know I can do, try to help people even in some small way.

     And since I am writing this as a reminder of updates when I can't remember things later in life, here's a life update:

     I'm planning a trip with my cousin and a friend next year, one I desperately need. It's been hard to start saving money but as my cousin says, in 6 months I won't care that today I couldn't get that soda I wanted or even missed a meal.

     I've been moving toward living as Layla full time, using that name at work openly and doing more things little by little. I recently stopped going to the church I've been going to for 18 years and have been looking for a new one. It sucks to not have those friends but I can't live a lie anymore because my 'friends' will be offended or not agree with my life decisions.

     I've been working toward writing a story and I hope to start the actual writing process very soon. It's been i my head for over 10 years and it's well developed but needs to be refined a little more.

     And lastly, I was joking with a friend, we decided as a joke to make our own board game...and then I decided to try to actually make it. It's really fun to come up with ideas and have a blank canvas to work with.

Final thought:
     I'm trying to make the best of what my life is at this point. I don't know how long I can keep pushing but I want to strike while the iron is hot and do the best I can.

Thanks for reading and remember...you're worth it.