Motivated? Me Neither, Let's go Get a Soda and People Watch For a While

     Motivation:

I have, in my early life, had major trouble (see How I Met Your Mother for the joke in my head currently) being motivated. Ambitious people used to confuse me and when I asked them how to get to where they were they gave me answers like, Ya just gotta do it." which was like telling a person who has never spoken another language to go to Japan and just know how to speak Japanese.

Suffice it to say, that has never helped me and instead has led me toward giving up rather than to 'just doing it' ESPECIALLY when I was young. I'm not going to say my environment  is an excuse for me (it wasn't and it's not) but that didn't make it easy for me to 'just do' anything when I was shown that there's not really anything to attain.

     I didn't say I was the smartest tree on the block...it was a terrible way of thinking and a very morbid view of life as a whole. I can give you a sob story but the truth is I ignored anything that was good because it wasn't comfortable to me. Again...I know, I wasn't a smart cookie.

Aaaaanyway, back to motivation:

For years I was just not able to motivate myself to do things like try in school, put effort into things I did or work hard in things. I guess my motivation was to not be where ever I was...no matter where that was.

One thing I was/am absolutely superhero good at is being somewhere and feeling the need to be ANYWHERE ELSE then getting to the place I needed to be and quickly NEEDING to be somewhere else. I can remember times when I was at a friend's house, a friend I desperately wanted to hang out with, and maybe 8 minutes into being around it hit me that I was uncomfortable.

So over the next 6 minutes, my mind would be going over places I'd rather be while trying to sound like I'm totally in the conversation or into whatever was going on. Then THE MOMENT I had a
chance to leave, I'd suddenly feel sick or realize I forgot something or have to be somewhere else for some dire reason.

And that 6 minutes that I spent thinking about places I wanted to be felt like 3 hours, so in my mind I was already there for 3 hours and 10 minutes...I was beyond ready to leave.

...so, there's that. Does that count as motivation? 

The problem with that was there was literally never an endgame, no calm or rest stop. Maybe when I fell asleep, I guess. Maybe sleep was my motivation. I have always loved dreaming; as long as I can remember, my dreams have been very vivid or real feeling or just imaginative. I'm not gonna try to explain any of them, someone reading this will call the paddy wagon and have me put RIGHT away, hahaha.

Though...I spent a lot of time not sleeping for someone who wanted to sleep so much. So, I don't know if that was really a motivation for me.

     This has all been a rabbit trail of my point so...welcome to my brain. I'm back though, so I always had trouble being self motivated (and in a bunch of ways I still have trouble) but lately I've found a new enjoyment in enlightenment.

Be it through learning, giving to those who are truly in need, thanking those who deserve thanks, finding ways to create something positive or even just pushing myself to do things because I want to be a better person than I am.

     I was just recently talking to a good friend who I love dearly and I started to tell a story about one of my favorite characters in television (and because I'm me, I didn't get to finish so maybe she'll read this and get something positive out of it), the character of Harry T. Stone was played by Harry Anderson (1952-2018 R.I.P.)

His character was a fun loving kind hearted judge in the 80's sit com Night Court:
     That character helped shape who I am in a very big way, and one line specifically. There was this scene where he was talking about fun and he explained how it's fun to pay for the person behind you in a store.
 There are a ton of other examples throughout the series that exemplifies the character's giving heart but I think I only get one GIGANTIC rabbit trail per diary entry so you'll just have to watch the show.

Anyway, that line hit something in my soul that just makes me want to be that person. I've done that a few times and I will do this kinda thing again. I feel like, especially over the last few years, it's helped me become a better person. And I don't just mean because I do something nice or get any credit (I don't deserve any credit, if anything these kinds of acts are me repaying the universe for things I owe) but these acts are leading me to transform into a different person than I used to be.

There are other things too, I have become interested in learning rather than escaping; that's big for me. I also have forced myselfto be a hard worker over the last decade when before that I was a lazy person. There are a few other existential changes I've either made or gone through over the last few years that have made me into the much more motivated person I am becoming. And all of those things are helping me finally understand how to push myself and keep going even when I don't feel that adrenaline pumpin.

Honesty, loyalty, travel, laughter, heart and soul, intellect, art, freedom, hockey, expression, photography, love...etc. These are very important factors leading me to being more and more motivated, more ambitious and a better person.

Unlike the Doors, this is NOT the end...

 Check out my online store and please consider buying something. It's all my artwork and is from my heart, thank you.

http://tee.pub/lic/s7gGE5EbXxc

A Late Holiday Update and Some Future Plans - January 2020

     So it's been a while and I feel it's time for a life update. And since I'm not great at keeping up with anyone, I'll just give you a quick run down of how life has been for me for the past few months.

    *I went to Hawaii in June; it was THE BEST! 

    *July, August, September and October felt like one LOOOOONNNNNG day that just wouldn't end. Work, sleep, work sleep, eat, sit down, stand up, sit down, walk over there, come back here, sleep...and pretty much repeat. I did absolutely nothing during that entire period of time.

    *November sucks bad.

    *I started a Youtube series that I will be getting back into starting in February.

    *December was disappointing weather-wise and was boring. I did do something really cool that I'll get into details about.

    *Aaaand now it's January. Based on the last 5 months, tomorrow is May 1st.

Highlights of my life here. Sounds glamorous, I know. Ok have a good day......ok, ok there's more.

BUT FIRST!!

I have a storefront I really want to share with you all.

http://tee.pub/lic/s7gGE5EbXxc

Please take a look and consider showing your support by showing off some #gilmore22 love and make sure you post pictures on my instagram, twitter, on here or on facebook. I also want feedback, let me know what you like or don't like in my online store. I will be adding more personal artwork and logos. Keep checking it out.

     Alright so I mentioned that I did something really cool and I HAVE to share it because it wasn't only cool and fun but it was really inspirational to me. So very early on, I decided I was going to be as "in the Christmas spirit" as I possibly could be. Something I hope for every August till about November 11th.

Here's where things get interesting: so about two weeks before that, I got into an argument with a coworker and it was pretty heated. That coworker said some things and I said somethings and we both stopped in a fairly short time but completely ignored each other after that.

For about 13 days we kept our distance, making sure to give each other dirty looks in passing or (in my case, at least) making sure to leave the break room whenever there was a potential round 2.

     Back story complete. November 1st comes around and I was determined to get into that holiday spirit. But that argument was weighing on my heart. Not because it was one sided and I was completely wrong, it was equally pretty evil and petty. My coworker wasn't cool and I defended myself with my words (neither of like fought or anything like that) but no matter who started it or who was right or who was "more wrong" I didn't want that negativity hovering above me whenever I went in to my job.

It's a place I can't avoid and that coworker isn't going anywhere any time soon so I thought about these two things and came up with an idea that I thought could possibly help my situation with said coworker and could help me get more into the Christmas spirit.

I like to draw, in case you didn't know, and so I made that coworker a Christmas card. I put as much detail as I could into it and wrote something very nice on the back. After finishing it, I was happy with how it looked and thought other close coworkers I work with would appreciate a card too. I have a team of about 8 people who I work with and so I made them each one over the next week; so by November 8th I had I think 9 or 10 cards made.

Then I thought of a few more coworkers who have made an impression on me or who I know have been having a rough time or who I think would like to get a card...so all of a sudden I started making more cards. I made probably 25-30 more over the next two weeks and kept adding more coworkers to my list. By the end of it all, I had made over ONE HUNDRED cards (I believe the full total was 125) cards on blank index cards, each one was different and I wrote something special and specific on the back of each one.

By the way, I am an introvert who has very very much trouble not making myself invisible so many people at my place of employment barely even know what my voice sounds like. 

     The week before Christmas I started giving them out and a bunch of coworkers who didn't even know my name really appreciated getting a card. Then they saw that I didn't just buy some dollar store card or even some expensive Hallmark card but rather that I made them a personalized drawing and wrote something specifically for them and that really blew a lot of people away. Oh I also put a hockey card in everyone's envelope because I'm me and I've been doing that for years.

     Here was my favorite parts of this whole endeavor:

First was a coworker who I feel gets very little recognition for all he does. I gave one coworker, who is a Vet and a great worker, and he was absolutely blown away! He thanked me and was so happy that he and his wife made sure to get a card for me on Christmas and he told me he's going to keep the one I gave him with his important documents. That alone made everything worth it!

     I have a very high and strong respect for Vets, fire fighters, police officers and anyone else who does anything that risks their life. So just the fact that he is a Vet gets my ultimate respect but this man comes to work every day, he is always on top of things, he always has a smile on even when they day sucks and he get little to no appreciation because he works in the back where few see him.

Then a few coworkers gave me gift cards, which I did not expect at all! That was really sweet.

There were a few specific humans who are employed at the same building who didn't even thank me or even look at me when I gave them the cards that took me over an hour to create. Those are the humans that...well, calling them humans was hard for me to do. I'll stop there and move on.

     And then the main event. The coworker who didn't know actually inspired 120+ Christmas cards and 2 months worth of drawing every single day after work. I walked up to the coworker I hadn't said one word to in about 3 months and said, "Um, hey. I don't mean to bother you but I have something for you." in my most confident (not confident at all) voice. I handed coworker an envelope with their name on it and said coworker looked at it skeptically.

In that split second I realized that if my coworker had ripped it up or thrown it away in front of me, I would have been absolutely and inconsolably devastated. I was so optimistic for this one coworker to be blessed by this one action that I didn't even consider rejection.

   My coworker looked at it with no emotion and then said, "You got this for me?" I said yeah.

My coworker opened it and saw that I made the card and I wrote something very nice and the reaction was visible on their face finally. And my coworker, who a week ago was ready for watch me burn, appreciated it and said Merry Christmas. It was really really great to me and I am proud to say that as of Saturday January 11th 2020 the last time I saw that coworker we said good morning to each other and talked for a minute before starting my shift on Friday.

     If that doesn't inspire positive things, then nothing will.

     Well, my immediate future plans are exciting as I'm FINALLY legally changing my name with this year's tax return money. I've been looking forward to this for a long time now and I'm happy take this next step in my journey.

My next future plan is taking a trip to visit a friend this coming summer. It's gonna be great to see a friend who I haven't seen since...maaan, maybe 2002? Maybe? I can't even remember exactly. I met her through my old church and have kept in touch through the years thank God; she's grown so much and has been a blessing in many ways. I'm eager to go see her and share our life experiences over the last bunch of years (Bessica, expect this sentence a lot, "Oh man! When I was in Hawaii...")

And finally...

     In March of 2021 is my next big trip. I'm going to visit Canada on my birthday!

     I have plans to migrate to the great country of Canada as soon as I'm able and this will be my first visit there, along with the amazing pleasure of visiting a friend there. I am so so ready to go to the Hall of Fame (I will go there from the moment they open till the moment they make me leave) and I gotta go to a Leafs game while I'm there.

I'm also stopping by a great friend's house on my way there and I'm gonna stay a few days. I miss her and her kids too much not to catch up with them on my way to the Great White North.

And my non travel future plan is Youtube. I'm going to be working very soon on all new episodes of Journey of Life and hopefully getting some decent guests and it's gonna be interesting.

It's Always Something

     I have a tooth ache. I have anxiety. I feel sick. Migraines, migraines, migraines. I forgot my ibuprofen. My dog ate my homework. My aunt is sick. My grandmother died. My pet ran away.

My boss called my into her office recently and after talking for a while she asked me, "Is everything okay? Is something going on?" I kinda laughed and said I'm fine so we could continue the conversation.

The truth was I wasn't fine at all, I had a bad anxiety attack at work and was barely able to breathe while we were talking but that didn't matter...once I found out I wasn't in trouble or anything was wrong. Part of my anxiety was that conversation, the boss asked me to see her in her office "at the end of the day"

     After the conversation, I thought about that question. No I'm not okay, I'm going through something. I'm just about always going through something whether it's a migraine or anxiety or whatever, always something.

And the reason that question is important is because of a few things I'm trying to do in life right now. I'm trying to do things that uplift others and create positivity in my own currently broken heart and
that is no easy task with something always going on. But I know I need to keep going, I need to fight through all the 'somethings' and try.

     One night recently, I was on instagram and saw a celebrity who took a picture and hid it somewhere. Jason Lee taped it to a stop sign and someday someone's gonna find it. If he signed it, they're gonna get a personal photo from the voice of Syndrome...or if it was me, Brody from Mallrats (my favorite Kevin Smith movie, make fun if you want) and how cool would it be to find something like that.

     So that instantly inspired me to do something similar, although my fame is quite limited compared to...well anyone. Just finding a photo from me isn't exactly something that anyone would love to find
just because BUT if I wrote a letter to someone maybe I can uplift someone somehow. That thought grew into writing a letter to a stranger that they might possibly need to read.

     So I thought about this country and where so many people are. Depression, anxiety, suicide, mentally just beaten from every direction...everyone needs to hear that they're worth it. I don't know one person who doesn't need a little pick-me-up from kinda no one.

     So I wrote a letter that I would like to find and read myself and I put it in a zip locked bag. Then I wrote another and put it in a zip locked bag. So far it's been rainy so I've only had the chance to hide one but my plan is to make many more of these letters and hide them in random places.



     I want to grow a trend of helping people in a way that I might not be able to in person, sometimes if someone is standing there, people feel the need to put on a show and act like they appreciate acts more than they actually feel. It's a mask of sorts and that can completely ruin the actual meaning behind it all.

If someone randomly finds a letter that says, "You're worth it even though life sucks sometimes." hopefully they won't feel like they need to thank anyone or act like they're okay and they can truly receive the blessing.





     Getting back to the beginning, there's always going to be something that can stop me and they're always going to at least sound legitimate. I don't want to let them stop me from doing the only thing I know I can do, try to help people even in some small way.

     And since I am writing this as a reminder of updates when I can't remember things later in life, here's a life update:

     I'm planning a trip with my cousin and a friend next year, one I desperately need. It's been hard to start saving money but as my cousin says, in 6 months I won't care that today I couldn't get that soda I wanted or even missed a meal.

     I've been moving toward living as Layla full time, using that name at work openly and doing more things little by little. I recently stopped going to the church I've been going to for 18 years and have been looking for a new one. It sucks to not have those friends but I can't live a lie anymore because my 'friends' will be offended or not agree with my life decisions.

     I've been working toward writing a story and I hope to start the actual writing process very soon. It's been i my head for over 10 years and it's well developed but needs to be refined a little more.

     And lastly, I was joking with a friend, we decided as a joke to make our own board game...and then I decided to try to actually make it. It's really fun to come up with ideas and have a blank canvas to work with.

Final thought:
     I'm trying to make the best of what my life is at this point. I don't know how long I can keep pushing but I want to strike while the iron is hot and do the best I can.

Thanks for reading and remember...you're worth it. 

Inspired Thoughts

     Where am I? Where was I? Those are very similar questions but with such drastic different answers.

So recently I ran into a hockey player from my favorite team in a nearby mall and the circumstances made me think hard about something. My cousin was going to drop me off to get my phone fixed and I had planned to have another friend pick me up at least 4 hours later, something I didn't want to do very much but it was my only choice.

So I start getting out of his car and he, at the last second, decides he'll go in with me.Cool with me, I was gonna be bored for most of that time. He said if it was gonna be less than like an hourish, he'd stay and it turned out to be an hour; he decided to stay so I didn't have to stay another 3 hours after that and we walked around.

So we're walking around and talking about our plans for the summer and other progressive plans; I look next to me at him and over his head I saw a tall man with red hair. For a second I think, "wow that guy's tall...WAIT!" And it hits me...that's Jake Voracek of the Flyers. Jake freakin Voracek!

I kinda hinted to him that I'd like to fangirl out and get a picture, which he was fine with, and we took a few pictures. I told him good luck than proceeded to freak out to my cousin about how awesome that was.

     So the fact that I just got to meet and talk to a player on my favorite team was beyond cool but my cousin brought up this thought, if he wasn't there I would have seen Voracek and gone crazy...I would have had no phone to capture that moment with.

     He was so right and how lucky was I that he decided just to stay and walk around with me, THEN I said, "Wow...what if we stopped to get gas? This entire random lucky chance would not have happened." And we kinda took a moment to think about how EVERYTHING worked out for meeting to occur. If I didn't make the appointment that exact day, I wouldn't have been at the mall that day, if my cousin picked me up a half hour earlier (like he was planning to at one point) no Jake sighting, if I went to the bathroom like I was going to when we first walked in... that moment doesn't happen.

    This has been a kinda theme in my life lately and while it goes both for the good and for the not so good, I'm trying to remember the things that have been great additions to my life in these kinds of
ways. There was one clear defining moment in my life that had I not decided to take a stand, I would have never lived near the church I go to and I never would have met all the friends I know and love dearly now.

It's kind of insane to think about all the good that came from me moving to Riverside, NJ and what I'd miss out on without that one moment; that one time I refused to go live with my mom and her boyfriend when they were moving and when I refused to go live with the rotting scumbag that donated sperm to create me. I wasn't usually the kind of kid to say something like that exactly but that one moment defined the rest of my life.

     I say all this to myself to fight all the negativity that I hold onto so tightly, I am a mess and have been a screw up more than not BUT I have made it this far and not by accident. I don't know why I'm still here but I am sitting here typing this right now, I'm still here to feel pain daily over losing my Uncle Mike and over never having a 'dad' and other things that have sucked...but I made it through all of that and a lot more. I made it.

     If I made it, you can make it too. You  really can. And not only can you but you can have an awesome story to tell someone else and maybe you can tell someone your story and inspire them to keep going. If we can make it this far, far enough to be reading what I'm typing...if we can get to tomorrow together as friends or family or strangers who need each other, then we can seriously make something great happen for ourselves and for someone else.

     I don't like to use foul language much but here's the bottom line, This world is fucked up and will not stop fucking you up if you let it even a little bit. You and me and your friends and my friends can decide to make something good happen. Let's spread the hope instead of letting this world spread negativity.

Side note:
Thank you so much for reading this blog, there have been times where I was planning on giving up and I truly thank you all for reading and helping give me the inspiration to keep going and thinking there might be something positive to strive for. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thoughts, Lists and Post Event Blues

     So...my Monster Mania experience was cut slightly short and it's all over now...what am I supposed to do now? No really, tell me; I have no idea what I'm gonna do to get to next week and the week after.

It's hard for me to get motivated to get through the hour and the day and the week so I try to give myself little goals that usually work when I have something to look forward to that's within some kind of reach.

Right now I have a wedding I'm in this April, the August Monster Mania to look forward to and those are pretty cool (although each has a downside that kinda makes them a little bittersweet in a small way) but they seem so out of reach during this very hour. I'm not good at saying, "Well next year my tax money will come and I'll be able to legally change my name...I just gotta wait til then...312 days away...that's all..."  It might as well be twenty six years away, that's how I feel today.

So I am trying to calm myself down (hormones are NOT helping this part of me) and find little things to prize myself with in the meantime. One thing I like to do is come up with lists, sometimes silly ones like:

What's the sweatiest movie? (Stole this from the first episode of Cheers)
1. Rocky 4
2. Rambo 3
3. Ben Hur
4. Cool Hand Luke

And others help me figure out what I have to do like:

What future plans am I passionate about?
1. acting
2. writing/script writing
3. drawing
4. photography
5. Trans issues and politics
6. hockey/Flyers hockey
7. pretty things/making things pretty

And some are for organization:

What are my future goals?
1. To legally change my name
2. Travelling
3. writing a script or book
4. Work on breaking things that cause anxiety and depression
5. Surgeries and laser hair removal
6. working out/eating better
7. inventing something








     These things help the fact that I'm feeling lonely at the moment. I'm trying to fight any of the negativity that comes with loneliness. If you pray, pray for that. Thanks.

One Day at a Time

     For the last two years, I have been trying to live by a motto more and more:

     And it's been a good one to help me to take steps outside of my comfort zone even in small ways. I've talked to people I wouldn't have before and done things I would have been too scared to do before. 

In fact, I'm still holding this philosophy and will have many times where I'll go to talk to my boss or speak up when I feel like I need to and I'll say to myself, "What is stopping me right now?" Which makes me really think, why am I not doing whatever it is (usually it's nervousness or introvertness that is stopping me) and to decide if it's something I should do or if I'm stopping for a good reason. 

So for about two year now, I and my cousin have been living by that statement and reminding each other of that thought when facing any challenge or coming to any potentially good thing we get shy or cared to do. 

It's made me a better person and in my personal case, it's been beneficial for little things and for giant steps toward a better me. This philosophy has helped me to talk to people and fight shyness and ask for things at work when I need to (example: when I have to ask for something small like paper towels at work or ask a coworker if I can use their bowl for lunch or small things that I normally have been so shy about that I would just quietly suffer instead of just saying something).

It's also been a driving force behind stepping out and telling more people I'm trans and starting the process of actually transitioning. After telling a very few close friends about my true self, I called a clinic ad tried to get an appointment, they told me it would be years before I could. That broke my heart and I wanted to give up and about a month later they called and let me know there was an opening, I was scared and almost didn't take the opportunity. 

Now I was being scared of hurting others and being introverted and I was scared that my job would be lost or I'd have to explain to strangers stuff I really didn't want to...etc. But those reasons are all things that should be thought about before TAKING the opportunity, they should NOT stop me from doing something I absolutely needed to do. It was a life saving chance and I ended up saying to myself, "What is truly stopping me? Why am I not jumping on this opportunity?" and I thought about what those excuses were and realized I needed to go for it.

It's been great and it's been a great tool for making me a better person...but what's next? Now that I have that weapon in my arsenal and take more steps, what do I do next?

     This is where my new philosophy is coming into play. My cousin, who is a huge inspiration to me, brought up another phrase that he's been living by for a while now. That phrase, which he and I both need to use daily, is:

     One day at a time. What a wonderful phrase. One day at a time ain't no passing ca-raze. (YouTube

the song, sing it loudly, get it out of your system and then come finish this) After taking the steps and doing the things that I should do, there are sometimes very big ramifications that come from those decisions.

If I talk to a stranger, I could make a new friend and they will call or text me sometime and I will have to accept their friendship. For an introvert like me, that can be very daunting to say the least. 

     And for a bigger example, if I set an appointment at a clinic that helps people transition from male to female or vice versa and they tell me my heart might not be good and I have to get an appointment at a cardiologist and they want me to fix my health insurance and that takes time and diligence to correct and that causes me to have to schedule days off from work so I can go to these appointments and that causes me to have to take on days that I do not particularly want to and following through with that causes me to have to tell my coworkers and all the rest of my friends about my situation and decision to transition from the VJ they all know into Layla, the person I've always actually been. 

So that's a lot, right?! That can feel like too much...that IS too much, all at once. It's so much that it can cause ulcers or depression spikes or fear and panic or giving up. I'm fighting all those bad things by saying to myself, "One day at a time." 

All I need to do today is call a place and set an appointment, then go and relax once that's done. Tomorrow, my goal will be to go to the appointment and that's the only goal for that day. The next day, I'll need to just go to work and focus on working hard there, nothing else for that day. 

One day at a time has been making my sometimes very scary needs a lot easier to swallow without shutting down. I've become good at shutting down throughout my life and anything that will help me fight that is great. 

I'm setting a small yet achievable goal for today: today I am going to church and paying attention. It's small enough to do without any stress but it's big because my faith in God has not been good for a while and I have been shutting my ears toward what God has to say to me. 

     I have a few final thoughts I want to share with myself and anyone else reading:

* A place that my Uncle and I used to go to shut down and that really hurts. It was a small pizza place in Philadlephia and I can't tell you how many times I've gone there with him and with others in honor of him. I'm trying to not be too hurt about this but wow this is a big emotional hit to my world. RIP Fanti's Pizza.

* When I read this years from now and try to remember the exact time, I just painted my nails green and white for the Philadelphia Eagles. They're playing the New England Patriots later today for the Super Bowl. I'm not a huge football fan but I love any reason Philadelphia gets to celebrate anything. I's the greatest city in the world and I hope for the city that they win...plus I hate teams like the Patriots, they're the reigning champs and have been caught cheating many times and have won a lot. I want to see the underdogs win it.

So for the sake of my city, E-A-G-L-E-S- Eagles!

Inspire

     So today is the beginning of my tests...I'm nervous although not as scared as I was a few weeks ago. I think it'll be okay overall. Today is my cardiologist appointment and while I got violently sick yesterday, at 4:30 am I am feeling good enough to fight through any of the nausea or stomach pains.

Let me give you a glimpse into yesterday's craziness:

     I went to work early and had a tooth ache, a bad one. I kept taking ibuprofen but literally every few minutes the pain would come right back so I took like 1 or 2 every once in a while.


Then I bought naproxen, thinking it might help curb the pain better AND THEN I got a migraine feeling so I took some exedrin. This was all in a span of 8am-4pm so it wasn't really a long time and by the end of my work day I started feeling too sick to keep going.

Near the end of my work day, I started feeling like I was getting overheated and thought I was getting a fever. So I bought some airborne (the store brand, let's be real...I'm poor) and almost the moment I finished drinking that, I got really dizzy and light headed.
Like, it was crazy how odd and scared I felt for about 30 minutes. I took a 15 minute break and  still felt like I wasn't actually there, it was really weird and scary. After that kinda calmed down, I started feeling really nauseous; a nausea I haven't felt in so long.

   *For anyone who feels better after throwing up, more power to ya. When I throw up it signals the end of the day for me no matter what time it is. So when I can, I do ANYTHING I can to avoid throwing up. Call me a wuss or call me whatever else you want but I have taken precautions to not throw up for over ten years...till yesterday. Insert sad face here.

     I ended up leaving work an hour early and had to ride my bike as fast as I could to catch the train, which made my stomach feel just wonderful, and made it back to my place in time to get violently ill.


Around 5pm I went to sleep between moans of pain and runs to the bathroom (sorry for the visual but it's what happened) I think at about 9pm, I got a ridiculous craving for Taki chips even though I still felt just awful, I stood up a few times only to need to lay right back down seconds later.

At around 1am, I started to feel really hungry and stood up for long enough to be able to take a small walk to Wawa, I got a small hoagie some Taki's and chocolate milk and THANK GOD I was able to eat most of it and even went to sleep for a while after that. I know I shouldn't sleep right after eating like that but I just needed to sleep so bad it was good to be able to.

     I woke up about 4:30ish and now I feel good enough to be able to stand existing FINALLY. And while sitting here I have some thoughts I want to air out and hopefully help someone somewhere...

I was talking to someone recently who mentioned they were abused as a kid and I think this is something this country needs to think about and needs desperately to find a way to stop. Abusing a child forever changes their lives in such a deep and sometimes devastating way.

A kid's innocence is always taken from them and they have such a  high potential to be demented or suffer depression or it could influence them to do harmful things...there are way too many cases of people committing heinous acts to themselves or others; things that can be directly or indirectly attributed to the sexual, emotional or manipulative abuse they went through.

I was lucky enough to barely ever, if ever, be physically abused and I was never sexually abused but there was a lot of emotional and manipulative abuse in my life that, to this day, affects me daily. One specific memory that hits me regularly is when I was a kid (I forget how old I was), I was told to throw away my favorite childhood blanket by my mom's at-the-time boyfriend. He was rude and mean and told me I was stupid or childish for wanting to keep it and one day when I went to school, he put it in a trash bag. When I came back from school, he yelled at me for not taking the trash out and made me do it right then. Then when the trash truck came later on, he pointed to it and told me my blanket was gone forever and told me that I chose to throw it away.

     That haunts me, not because I miss that blanket necessarily but because he used it in the most malicious way and threw that entire situation in my face as a little kid. I do miss that blanket and if I had the chance, I would have cut it into small pieces and kept them as a keepsake at least; that blanket was with me during some very rough times as a kid and it meant something to me that I felt I lost forever that day.

     Another memory that haunts me was when I came in from being outside and that same piece of work was sitting in the living room. He looked sad and tired and I asked if he was okay or what was going on, something like that. He slowly answered me by telling me a whole story that actually still kinda scares me. He told me he and my mom got into a fight, it started out verbal like usual. I wasn't surprised and he continued, telling me they fight got physical and she grabbed a knife.

He paused and said she was so angry at him that she sliced her neck from ear to ear. Tears filled my eyes and I was shocked, stunned, frozen; I had no idea what to do. I've never been that close to my biological mother but that was scary to hear at 9 years old.


So I'm standing there trying to come to terms with my mom's death or at the very least major injury, since he didn't say she was dead. He sat there, looking stunned and I was absolutely immovable...then my mom walked out of her living room. SHE WAS FINE!
Angry and not pleasant, but her neck was fully intact. I then was just...I could not believe a human adult would tell a child that story. My mind still has trouble believing there is that much evil in everyday life.

Things like that have changed my mental state forever, I am slightly demented and messed up because of these stories and a few more things; between that guy and my biological father I had enough mental abuse to last a lifetime or 3 and without all that I have a much better chance at being normal and better adjusted today.

     I know there are people who have bene through much worse than I have and people who have both hurt themselves or others and who have become something successful after going through their torture stories and I want to offer something positive to anyone going through or anyone who has gone through any kind of abuse:

You can do great things. You can help others or stop the people who have abused you and make this world a better place, you can take that evil energy and rage and use that to fuel something that helps fix these situations.If you've been through heinous things and you're still around YOU are a success. You are. I don't mean people like you who are prefect or talented in some way, I mean you...the person who may be struggling to make ends meet or you fight to make it to the end of everyday or the perosn who messes up a lot but still sees the next morning. YOU are an inspiration to someone.

Thank you, to everyone like this. You're why I'm still alive and you inspire 

me. You inspire more people than you could posisbly know. Don't give up. 

     It's funny, I was gonna write about trans people who suffer abuse and how that affects us (which it's true) but this is an issue that affects so many. I don't want to limit it to black or white people, to the trans community or cisgendered people or non-binary people or just poor people, etc. It hurts anyone and everyone affected by abuse and I want to see people as a whole do 2 things:
   1. Rise above their situation and become an inspiration to others
   2. Do what we can to stop abusers from corrupting innocent kids.

Thank you for reading this and feel free to share this with anyone who you think reading this could help.