Motivated? Me Neither, Let's go Get a Soda and People Watch For a While

     Motivation:

I have, in my early life, had major trouble (see How I Met Your Mother for the joke in my head currently) being motivated. Ambitious people used to confuse me and when I asked them how to get to where they were they gave me answers like, Ya just gotta do it." which was like telling a person who has never spoken another language to go to Japan and just know how to speak Japanese.

Suffice it to say, that has never helped me and instead has led me toward giving up rather than to 'just doing it' ESPECIALLY when I was young. I'm not going to say my environment  is an excuse for me (it wasn't and it's not) but that didn't make it easy for me to 'just do' anything when I was shown that there's not really anything to attain.

     I didn't say I was the smartest tree on the block...it was a terrible way of thinking and a very morbid view of life as a whole. I can give you a sob story but the truth is I ignored anything that was good because it wasn't comfortable to me. Again...I know, I wasn't a smart cookie.

Aaaaanyway, back to motivation:

For years I was just not able to motivate myself to do things like try in school, put effort into things I did or work hard in things. I guess my motivation was to not be where ever I was...no matter where that was.

One thing I was/am absolutely superhero good at is being somewhere and feeling the need to be ANYWHERE ELSE then getting to the place I needed to be and quickly NEEDING to be somewhere else. I can remember times when I was at a friend's house, a friend I desperately wanted to hang out with, and maybe 8 minutes into being around it hit me that I was uncomfortable.

So over the next 6 minutes, my mind would be going over places I'd rather be while trying to sound like I'm totally in the conversation or into whatever was going on. Then THE MOMENT I had a
chance to leave, I'd suddenly feel sick or realize I forgot something or have to be somewhere else for some dire reason.

And that 6 minutes that I spent thinking about places I wanted to be felt like 3 hours, so in my mind I was already there for 3 hours and 10 minutes...I was beyond ready to leave.

...so, there's that. Does that count as motivation? 

The problem with that was there was literally never an endgame, no calm or rest stop. Maybe when I fell asleep, I guess. Maybe sleep was my motivation. I have always loved dreaming; as long as I can remember, my dreams have been very vivid or real feeling or just imaginative. I'm not gonna try to explain any of them, someone reading this will call the paddy wagon and have me put RIGHT away, hahaha.

Though...I spent a lot of time not sleeping for someone who wanted to sleep so much. So, I don't know if that was really a motivation for me.

     This has all been a rabbit trail of my point so...welcome to my brain. I'm back though, so I always had trouble being self motivated (and in a bunch of ways I still have trouble) but lately I've found a new enjoyment in enlightenment.

Be it through learning, giving to those who are truly in need, thanking those who deserve thanks, finding ways to create something positive or even just pushing myself to do things because I want to be a better person than I am.

     I was just recently talking to a good friend who I love dearly and I started to tell a story about one of my favorite characters in television (and because I'm me, I didn't get to finish so maybe she'll read this and get something positive out of it), the character of Harry T. Stone was played by Harry Anderson (1952-2018 R.I.P.)

His character was a fun loving kind hearted judge in the 80's sit com Night Court:
     That character helped shape who I am in a very big way, and one line specifically. There was this scene where he was talking about fun and he explained how it's fun to pay for the person behind you in a store.
 There are a ton of other examples throughout the series that exemplifies the character's giving heart but I think I only get one GIGANTIC rabbit trail per diary entry so you'll just have to watch the show.

Anyway, that line hit something in my soul that just makes me want to be that person. I've done that a few times and I will do this kinda thing again. I feel like, especially over the last few years, it's helped me become a better person. And I don't just mean because I do something nice or get any credit (I don't deserve any credit, if anything these kinds of acts are me repaying the universe for things I owe) but these acts are leading me to transform into a different person than I used to be.

There are other things too, I have become interested in learning rather than escaping; that's big for me. I also have forced myselfto be a hard worker over the last decade when before that I was a lazy person. There are a few other existential changes I've either made or gone through over the last few years that have made me into the much more motivated person I am becoming. And all of those things are helping me finally understand how to push myself and keep going even when I don't feel that adrenaline pumpin.

Honesty, loyalty, travel, laughter, heart and soul, intellect, art, freedom, hockey, expression, photography, love...etc. These are very important factors leading me to being more and more motivated, more ambitious and a better person.

Unlike the Doors, this is NOT the end...

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The Trait I admire and Respect Most

     What is the great trait one can live by? What is the one thing that one can use and still be above most? 

Surprisingly no, not even all the money in the world is as imporant as this one character trait. Still not sure what it is?

Not fame either, although that's pretty cool. Give up?

     Okay, since you give up...I'll tell you.

To me the mos timportant thing anyone can do is be loyal. Be a friend who is there (whether in constant agreement and support or friends who don't see eye to eye on everything), be a lover who doesn't walk away, be a coworker who helps when the going gets tough...just be loyal.

     I've had people of all kinds walk away from me, blood family is not exempt from this list and it is always a shock and always painful to me. I've seen people I thought were close friends, people who told me they'll be there for me, and then I saw those same people disappear when I needed them the most. Not cool. 

I guess because that happened to me so much at crucial times, it became so vital to me. Friends with money or some kind of power can go away or hurt the friendship but loyalty should be something you wear proudly and use often.

     Now on the other hand, I want to talk about loyalty that has been shown  to me. It comes in the form of firends who have been there for me at my worst tiems and they still show their loyalty to me even now.

My friends constantly show me why being loyal is an honor. I've always believed that everyone has an average of 3 friends who are there for you all your life, three friends who will never ever leave your side even if they're across the country or world. And if that's true, I have ruined the averages for
a lot of people because I have so many of those kind of friends. In 2000, I joined my church and have enjoyed a big group of people who love and care for me from then on, picking up a few between then and now.

There have been times where I wanted to give up and these friends showed me their loyalty and their love and it brought me back from the dark places my mind was nearing.




     So for these reasons that I've experienced on both sides of this particular tcharacter trait, I say that being loyal and seeing loyalty is the greatest attribute one can have. And I can't thank those friends enough for being this to me, there are too many of you to name but if you have been this to me you know who you are.