Beginning from Scratch (October 19, 2022)

     Ok so...things are about to get real. Have you ever felt like you were in a rut? Or  better yet, have you ever felt like you're miserable in life, but like you didn't want to do anything because though it's miserable...you were comfortable?

I have. I did. I am. I do.

That's a hole of a feeling, it's the worst. I've been to the point of wanting to end myself because I just...I hate feeling so empty and stuck. So I am currently doing something about it. I am currently getting ready to move. Out of the Philadelphia market, something I've never done in my 40 years (with 2 very short exceptions in the early 00's) I'm moving to the Nashville Tennessee area and I'm terrified, I'm nervous, I'm excited and mostly I'm busy trying to find a place to live there.

     The background: On a whim, I decided to see if there were any openings with my company out of my area and randomly applied for one that I found in Nashville. Before I knew it, I got a phone interview set up and I was then looking for places there.

This is insane and I'm terrified that things won't work, I'm also cleaning my room up and getting rid of A LOT of junk I've collected over the years...but ya know what I'm not feeling? Suicidal. Depressed. And I'm not homesick. I've never felt like I had a home, the closest is I've wanted to not be wherever I was at the moment. The only thing I'm going to miss is seeing my Philadelphia Flyers in their home arena

     Now part of the background is why I decided to make a move and that's a beast on it's own. Wanna get into it? Ooook.

I lost my entire support group, my friend group not too long ago. For around 2 years now, I've had a very few friends and really Tiktok has been my main way to talk to people outside of work. And with having some kind of connection outside work situations being such a big and important part of me, I started to shell up and need that more and more. 

And I wish I could say this wasn't true but it was, I had very strong feelings for a person that did not even slightly return those feelings, making my life as uncomfortable as could be. I want so deeply for her to see what I see and feel what I feel but I never ever ever want to become a negative in her universe, which I think started to happen. 

Who knows, maybe I needed that to kick start a giant change of scenery. Maybe that was part of the plan all along (I doubt it because God seemed to have a distaste for anything good happening for me in any way) 

So those and probably a few other insignificant reasons, I felt the need to get up and go rising over the last...maybe year

. So I am Nashville bound, with no place to live yet and (at this very moment) my phone interview at the store there not an actual certainty, I am terrified that some or all of this won't work out. I can say this, no matter what happens from here on out, my life is about to change in a very very big way. Could be for the better, could be for the worse, it could kinda even out in some way but...things will be different.

Talking about my mentality

     So I recently did a thing, something I'm kind of embarrassed about. No, I didn't commit any crimes or really hurt anyone; I asked someone to be my friend.

Did I get your attention? Hope so, because I need to talk it out and figure out how to change myself here. Before I explain, let me iterate. Is iterate a word? I know reiterate is but that's stating something more than once, right? I'm rambling...ok back on track:

So, like many stories this one starts with "So there's this girl..." 

(And before you say anything, I'm trans. I know this. Just to clear this up, that's about my internal comfort not about my sexuality. Aaaand I know it's confusing, I know it throws a wrench into a lot of things. I'm trying to find a way to be both comfortable AND navigate areas of life that it affects)

So...there's this girl. I work with her. And without her knowledge, she broke into my personal broken and very guarded bubble of emotions. I honestly still don't know how but she did with just a smile.

For the sake of this public post, I'm going to call her...Angel. Yeah, so I saw Angel kinda a long time ago but knew somehow that if I even thought about her for one second, I'd feel something for her and I avoided her like she was a spider and I was, well, me. That was fine, one day I ended working in her area and she (not knowing anything about me, just being nice) offered some help with what I was doing.

We ended up talking and I found out she was in a serious relationship, and a few things that she likes and just kinda talked. Now I am very very serious about lushly so when I heard she's taken, I knew I was right to avoid her. Politely, of course, but I didn't allow myself to think a single thought and all was what it was.

Because I'm very good at being invisible, one day I overheard the person she was with and serious about cheated on here...a lot. Initially I wanted to be so angry, because even though I avoided her and did what I had to in order to not think about her, she means something to me. I walked away and couldn't help but think about what if we became friends and (for once in my life) it could work out. I know, it's too soon and she has zero interest in me AND she's gotta be hurting so I didn't do anything romantic or anything like that. I just made myself a little more open and social. 

I'm an introvert so it took me weeks to even be able to open up, to anyone not just her. I made myself visible, I talked to people instead of quietly walking by and waving, I tried to be...not me. And it worked. 

I think somewhere in me it's a talkative human that's been beaten down and ground into a painfully shy introverted mouse. And I was genuinely trying to bring that human out more and more. I think she noticed that I was at least being a little more social, she said hi to me more and more, she smiled when she saw me and I tried to not overdo it but I responded in kind.

So valentine's day came around and I really wanted to do something nice for her. Not exactly to get closer but I knew she was probably hurting about everything and I wanted to make her smile, like for real not. Be flattered. Maybe even be happy in some small way.

I stopped at a store before work and bought her a generic card. In the card I said I wanted her to smile because her smile makes the whole world a little big brighter and cake here the most beautiful girl in the world. 

I planned on giving it to her when I saw her and I was excited, nervous, genuinely hoping it made her smile a real smile. I didn't expect anything back or want to get closer to her really, at best I wanted to open a door to friendship.

So, I went to work...aaaand she was super busy all day. Like 'didn't stop even once' busy. Of. Course.

Plus she didn't seem sad or anything, so I didn't give it to her. Days went by and I didn't see her even once. Seven days in fact and we didn't work the same schedule. I had the card with me, debated leaving it on her desk and decided I had to either hand it to her or drop it and let it go. (I should have done tha, I'm not smart enough to listen to my own good advice though.)

So one week after V day, I decided that if I get a moment to talk to her I'd give her the card and I'd there was absolutely no time to catch her, I'd throw it away. All day I worked at the opposite end of the building and I thought that was it. That's my answer. The universe said no.

Then just as I was cleaning up to leave, she walked next to me and said hi. "THIS IS IT!" I thought. "This is my chance!" So I stopped here and have her the card, through a nervous voice. She gave me a hug, then left. Cool. Hopefully she liked it. I didn't see her for maybe 2 weeks because it just worked out that way.

I just wanted to see her long enough to say hi, see how she responds to the card and my hope was too ask her to give me a call or hang out. I know this is forward for this story but my thought was, I'm not trying to actually get into a relationship, I just leaned how to open up in any way so I just wanted to get to know her and potentially bean actual friend outside of work.

3 weeks go buy and I didn't see her even once. I was terrified that she hated that I have her the V day card and didn't know what to do. I did know that is she wasn't okay with it, I was going to be so invisible that she wouldn't know I existed even if I was right next to her. I was not, am not, will not ever be a person who pushes anyone to do anything they aren't comfortable with.

Ok, so in that 3 weeks I considered writing a letter to her; just asking her if she wanted/needed a friend. I figured if I give here a letter, she doesn't have to look at me if she wasn't okay with it. I said something like of she doesn't want to call or hang out I wouldn't bother her. 

I obviously write a letter, debated leaving it on her desk, didn't, did, didn't, put it on her desk then took it off...over that 3 weeks. Then, I did it. I put it on her desk on a Friday. I left it there and left for the weekend.

Nerves ran through me, I was happy because I thought at the least she might smile. Like, even if she's not interested in being something serious, shed possibly at least be a friend. 

All weekend I pictured her calling and saying she just wanted someone to talk to, or texting me. Some kind of small talk or basic friend type conversation. Didn't hear from here Saturday, then Sunday, then Monday and by Tuesday I worked a close schedule and she didn't say hi or smile like before. And...there it was...all the thoughts I considered absolutely shattered as she clearly didn't like that I did anything. 

The valentine's day card, the letter, the talking to her more. I had given negativity to the girl I've been thinking about day and night for almost a year. Every ounce of socialness (is that a word?) drained out of me in a matter of seconds as the realization hit me that I'd never get to be a friend. And the thought of not ending up with her...that still hurts ass I type out right now. I avoided her hard! I have her so much space that since then, she might not even know I still work there. 

A few weeks after that, a coworker found out I was the one who gave her the letter and that person told me she wasn't happy about it, though any details weren't given to said coworker. She made it clear to that person that Angel is essentially grossed out (my words based on the conversation) by me and that even being a friend isn't even a thing she'd ever even consider.

Since then I've not seen her for literally 2 seconds, she never said a word to me and I'm trying my best to move on. It's not working but that has nothing to do with her, it's my problem alone to deal with. 

Sooo...the reason I said I'm embarrassed, you say? Well there's a while other side to this, my side.

     So I've been broken for a while now. I was in a really bad relationship about 7 years ago, the person I was with was manipulative and really damaged me. She physically assaulted me once, did all the stereotypical narcissist things and in the end, I was unable to feel. 

3 years ago, of the girl of my dreams had walked up to me and begged me to date her, I would have had no problem saying no. I wasn't even capable of love it anything. I was actually starting to think I might be a sociopath, like for real. I shut all feelings off and that's very very not like me. At all. I've been a hopeless romantic since I was 6, so to not even be able to want love, that scared me.

2 years ago, I started mentally prepare to not live long. I didn't know quite what that meant but it started beginning apparent that I'm not made to last here, I had no real friends who I can lean on or spend time with, I have absolutely no path or purpose and I was losing control of my ability to care, about anything.

The only thing that happened that was any good was a social media platform I started to succeed with. That's not enough to keep me from preparing for my end, but it was cool. 

Then, about a year ago something happened. I saw this girl. My heart literally skipped a beat. I couldn't breathe and just her smile (not at me) made my entire day bright. I had a feeling! It shocked me. It confused me. I didn't know how to react.

I'm really sensitive to emotions of others, even when someone feels something and don't show it, I can feel it. And something that seemed greater than me seemed to magnetically pull me to Angel. When I first realized this, I avoided her but that magnetism was really strong. It wasn't because she's pretty (although she is literally the most beautiful girl in the world, whether she loves me or hates me, I can't deny that), it wasn't because she had something or did something; it was like her soul called out to me in a different realm, or so I thought.

At that time I was still heavily convinced that my end was coming within days, weeks or maybe months. So thinking about that, every single day that I didn't end gave me the thought, "This could be the last time I talk to this person." Or "This could be the last time I ride my bike down this street." Everything could be a last time ever.

It was weird to feel some kind of spiritual cosmic feeling but also be ready to go. Angel had and has no idea any of this is going on, she knows absolutely nothing about me or exactly how I feel...and she won't.

I refused to say I love her because I didn't get close enough to love, but I think it's safe to say I do. I love her enough to exit her life before I really enter and let her be happy. 

And one more thing, I have this curse. Well it's a curse to me, it's kinda a great thing to others. 

One is: when I leave anyone's life, their life gets better. Things start going their way and luck seems to find them.

The other is whenever I truly love someone, they find their 'one' and so far every single person who finds someone ends up living happily ever after. So Angel is about to find her perfect person, she'll get married within...I'll say, within 2 years she'll be married and have at least one child. 

Neither curse has even one opposing evidence. Not even one. 

I guess the bright side is in a way I'm making Angel happy...glass half full, right? 

That's the story of how I met someone else's love, kids.

I See Things on a Deeper Level

     Friday March 25, 2022 - I'm awake a few hours before my alarm, I should be asleep but I woke up with this feeling; this 'something big is going to do something big' feeling. I don't know what that means, I wish I did. I don't know if that is some deep premonition or if I should not eat spicy food before going to sleep but this instinctive feeling woke me up from a nightmare so...here I am.

     I have this persistent desire to find this big thing that's doing big things and...help it or stop it or make it grow or chop it down...I DON'T KNOW WHAT, something.

I get these feelings, these thoughts sometimes. Always have and sometimes I fear I always will. It's like I see things on a different level than just the world we all walk on. More than just ones and zeroes or skin and bones, I see potential as real as the grass that I can touch and intentions or emotions as personal as friends I know.

I've had this ability for a long time, I remember as a kid seeing things in people; things like their heart as if they hopes and dreams right in front of me.

To give an example: in the early 90's I was a kid and I saw this commercial for some cheesy movie. Or was originally called Stepkids (later renamed Big Girls Don't Cry...They Get Even) and something in the commercial shouted to me that I had to see it. And I don't mean that it was week made or it was really good because...it wasn't really that good.

 

I just knew beneath the script or the plot there was something so deeply important to my being that I had to experience it. I was 9 or 10 when I went through this, not exactly something I hear 9 year olds talk about or care about. I remember thinking my destiny, my whole world, needed to see it.

And out of the experience of seeing some movie in 1991, something stuck out to me that to this day still hours depths in me that I can't explain fully: Adrienne Shelly. 

Adrienne Shelly was an actress who had depth most people don't know ever existed, and I as a small child felt that. I felt it through some movie that she didn't enjoy being a part of, and I never had the pleasure of meeting her or even being in the same area ever. But something in her acting in that movie...something touched my very soul.

Her greatest desires were, I found out in 2022 in a documentary about her, to have a daughter and to be part of something bigger than just herself. Back then I didn't know why but I felt her spirit in a way through a small role she had in that B movie and I felt as if we were not connected necessarily but we had the same kind of soul.

I watched the documentary about her murder and every single word she says, every movement she makes, I can feel her hopes and dreams as if she's telling me in specific detail in her own words.

     That's not the only time I've felt this, I randomly meet people who make me nervous or who I feel an absolute need to know. So many times I don't understand why but someone will make such a deep impression on me with only a few words or even just being near me. Sometimes I know exactly why like when it's someone to stay away from, sometimes a person's aura just feeds me in a strange way, I just want to soak up every bit of someone's energy and bathe in their thoughts, drink from their love and breathe in their every glance. 

Sometimes I only know I want to be around them and hear what their soul says to me, like some misunderstood whisperer, only I know that's not exactly how this is. I have no power or talent of any kind. It's not magic or anything that anyone else can't do, I probably went through trauma as a kid that left me sensitive to the way certain people act or speak. 

     Whatever the reason, it would be up hours early this morning and I watched a few minutes of Adrienne Shelly's last movie, Waitress. I didn't get some divine message from it, well nothing deeper than anything any person who watches it could get. The only thing that hit me right now is that I see people's souls, potential and dreams just as much as I can see their skin, clothes and hair. (Not physically, I hope that's clear. I promise I'm not crazy...I hope.)

Maybe I shouldn't write at 4 in the morning but I feel something big coming. Something that may seem like nothing on the surface but beneath that it's life changing...I just hope it's what I want it to be. ❤️

Motivated? Me Neither, Let's go Get a Soda and People Watch For a While

     Motivation:

I have, in my early life, had major trouble (see How I Met Your Mother for the joke in my head currently) being motivated. Ambitious people used to confuse me and when I asked them how to get to where they were they gave me answers like, Ya just gotta do it." which was like telling a person who has never spoken another language to go to Japan and just know how to speak Japanese.

Suffice it to say, that has never helped me and instead has led me toward giving up rather than to 'just doing it' ESPECIALLY when I was young. I'm not going to say my environment  is an excuse for me (it wasn't and it's not) but that didn't make it easy for me to 'just do' anything when I was shown that there's not really anything to attain.

     I didn't say I was the smartest tree on the block...it was a terrible way of thinking and a very morbid view of life as a whole. I can give you a sob story but the truth is I ignored anything that was good because it wasn't comfortable to me. Again...I know, I wasn't a smart cookie.

Aaaaanyway, back to motivation:

For years I was just not able to motivate myself to do things like try in school, put effort into things I did or work hard in things. I guess my motivation was to not be where ever I was...no matter where that was.

One thing I was/am absolutely superhero good at is being somewhere and feeling the need to be ANYWHERE ELSE then getting to the place I needed to be and quickly NEEDING to be somewhere else. I can remember times when I was at a friend's house, a friend I desperately wanted to hang out with, and maybe 8 minutes into being around it hit me that I was uncomfortable.

So over the next 6 minutes, my mind would be going over places I'd rather be while trying to sound like I'm totally in the conversation or into whatever was going on. Then THE MOMENT I had a
chance to leave, I'd suddenly feel sick or realize I forgot something or have to be somewhere else for some dire reason.

And that 6 minutes that I spent thinking about places I wanted to be felt like 3 hours, so in my mind I was already there for 3 hours and 10 minutes...I was beyond ready to leave.

...so, there's that. Does that count as motivation? 

The problem with that was there was literally never an endgame, no calm or rest stop. Maybe when I fell asleep, I guess. Maybe sleep was my motivation. I have always loved dreaming; as long as I can remember, my dreams have been very vivid or real feeling or just imaginative. I'm not gonna try to explain any of them, someone reading this will call the paddy wagon and have me put RIGHT away, hahaha.

Though...I spent a lot of time not sleeping for someone who wanted to sleep so much. So, I don't know if that was really a motivation for me.

     This has all been a rabbit trail of my point so...welcome to my brain. I'm back though, so I always had trouble being self motivated (and in a bunch of ways I still have trouble) but lately I've found a new enjoyment in enlightenment.

Be it through learning, giving to those who are truly in need, thanking those who deserve thanks, finding ways to create something positive or even just pushing myself to do things because I want to be a better person than I am.

     I was just recently talking to a good friend who I love dearly and I started to tell a story about one of my favorite characters in television (and because I'm me, I didn't get to finish so maybe she'll read this and get something positive out of it), the character of Harry T. Stone was played by Harry Anderson (1952-2018 R.I.P.)

His character was a fun loving kind hearted judge in the 80's sit com Night Court:
     That character helped shape who I am in a very big way, and one line specifically. There was this scene where he was talking about fun and he explained how it's fun to pay for the person behind you in a store.
 There are a ton of other examples throughout the series that exemplifies the character's giving heart but I think I only get one GIGANTIC rabbit trail per diary entry so you'll just have to watch the show.

Anyway, that line hit something in my soul that just makes me want to be that person. I've done that a few times and I will do this kinda thing again. I feel like, especially over the last few years, it's helped me become a better person. And I don't just mean because I do something nice or get any credit (I don't deserve any credit, if anything these kinds of acts are me repaying the universe for things I owe) but these acts are leading me to transform into a different person than I used to be.

There are other things too, I have become interested in learning rather than escaping; that's big for me. I also have forced myselfto be a hard worker over the last decade when before that I was a lazy person. There are a few other existential changes I've either made or gone through over the last few years that have made me into the much more motivated person I am becoming. And all of those things are helping me finally understand how to push myself and keep going even when I don't feel that adrenaline pumpin.

Honesty, loyalty, travel, laughter, heart and soul, intellect, art, freedom, hockey, expression, photography, love...etc. These are very important factors leading me to being more and more motivated, more ambitious and a better person.

Unlike the Doors, this is NOT the end...

 Check out my online store and please consider buying something. It's all my artwork and is from my heart, thank you.

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A Sorta Kinda Confession/Unrelenting Thought Type of Thing

     So I'm here, I'm trans and have been officially medically transitioning for almost a year now. I've told many close friends, some of whom have exited my life or made it clear I'm not welcome in theirs and I've exited their lives. I've been openly moving towards identifying as female by using a new name and dressing differently (small steps mostly, I'm not very confident in my ability to pass as female so wearing dresses or other things has been confined to when I'm alone). I've stepped up a few times and tried to assert my seriousness about my decision and although I am not being so adamant at times, it's only because correcting certain things at certain times isn't going to be a productive action.

   And basically since I started, I told some friends that I would not partake in a relationship from now on. I said that my decision to transition puts me a situation where I would be going against one of my personal beliefs by dating anyone.

Before I continue with this thought, I need 

to make it clear that these thoughts, beliefs and opinions 

are NOT judgments I lay on anyone else. I don't think anyone 

should follow my rules or beliefs unless they actually believe 

the same thing and I would not judge anyone else based on their 

differences in any area that does not harm others. Happiness, 

safety, respect, loyalty, and following one's own belief system 

are the keys to keeping me from judging.

So if I say I feel as though I am a female, in spirit, that would lead to the guess that I would then be attracted to men. Generally, women date men. Clearly I'm not saying that that's the only possibility but it's the first assumption made when I've told people about my gender identity.

If I were to be attracted to men, my personal belief is that that would constitute as homosexuality. I am biologically male and that is a personal belief that I do not want to break (again, a personal belief ONLY holding myself accountable to, absolutely no one else is or would be wrong for this action, in this exact context) so dating men is already out of the question. And secondly, I am not only not attracted to men but I absolutely adore women. If I was attracted to men, I would not hold this belief so...basically that's not an option.

Now here's the biggest struggle with my transition, I am absolutely attracted to women. In fact that's one of the biggest things that kept me from transitioning for so long, I figured if I was this attracted to biological females and I look male enough then I can just deal with my inner thoughts and feelings without physically doing anything. But in the end of that thought process, I ignored myself to a harmful degree and that nearly pushed me to end myself. Not ideal, not an option.

So I am now, many months into my transition, having an inner struggle that I don't know if there's an outcome here that I'll be okay with:
   If I say I identify as a female and I live as a woman then again my personal belief comes into play, meaning I cannot live a homosexual lifestyle and be okay with myself. But on the other hand, I find myself wanting love, affection more and more everyday and having nothing to fill that void with.

   This debate I keep wrestling with has been sped up by having a specific person in mind, though it's a person I know for a fact is not even slightly interested in me. And the person isn't really important, the important issue right now is that I am feeling more and more needy for that kind of attention and it's starting to burn kinda badly. For, like, 7 months I was able to shut those 'hopeless romantic' kind of thoughts and feelings off almost completely and suddenly the flood gates seemed to open up recently.

All of this has me thinking thoughts like, "Am I only transitioning because I can't find love?" Or "If I met someone, someone really special, could I accept living a male life for them and for the life I'd be  apart of then?" These thoughts are good to have, questioning your beliefs and decisions will either reaffirm your decisions or cause you to potentially make a change you may need to make.

One of the few things about me that made sense before starting my transition was that I have had a deep burning desire to be in a "madly in love" relationship. I relate myself to a "Ted Mosby" type of spirit and that's a very male part of me that's clearly still alive and strong. Not that I'm confessing to being wrong here, I'm not. Even if I do stop transitioning in the future, it won't be a 'wrong' because I would only stop if I knew that I was making the wrong choice.

Two things about this entire rant:

   1. I wasn't exactly doing well in the love department...ever as a male. The most "but it's Robin" type of person in my life was a girl who I knew when I was 6, a girl who I searched for over a 20 year span. I made it my life's entire goal to find her and I did. I found her in 2010. And I contacted her, got her phone number and we spent about 2 weeks texting nonstop...then she saw something I said on facebook about my feelings toward her and she completely stopped responding to me. It was completely my fault that I lost any chance and all, I was dumb enough to think she wouldn't see that one random comment even though we were connected on facebook. She wasn't the same girl I knew or the girl I was searching for, I'm not writing this because of her or that issue. The reason I'm bringing this up is to say that's the closest I've ever come to being in love. At 6 years old, I was ready to spend my entire life with this girl and I was so sure that I could have won her heart that I didn't really let myself fall in love with anyone for the next 20 years. I had crushes but in the back of my mind I thought I was made for that girl. So in 2010 when I found her and found out I wasn't 'the one' for her, I had absolutely no path in life. None. That's the closest I've ever come to love, I've been burned by many and left by many and I've regretfully treated a few people very badly and that's the end of my love life as a male for 35 years. So I'm not exactly giving up some great love life by transitioning.

2. I'm so much happier by so many more seemingly little things now than I ever have been. Things like my name and being introduced and being complimented for pretty things, for example. My borther introduced me today as Layla and on the inside I was so proud and honored and happy to hear that name that I couldn't help but smile. I have an inner desire to take care of myself for the first time in my life.

So I have some things to think about and hopefully SOMETHING will clear up for me in some way. I'm gonna stop typing so I can over think and over analyze everything that happens. So...good night all.

Dear Uncle Mike

     Dear Uncle Mike,

                             Hi, It's been a while...I really really wish you were here. So much has happened since the last time we talked, some stuff I'm sure you wouldn't have an easy time with but I know you'd still be here for me. You were one of very few never to have walked away from me or gotten rid of me. Wish I could say thank you for that...among so much I wish I could tell you.

     Uncle Mike...I you were here I'd tell you that I am working on finding a way to accept myself and I'm fighting suicide very very hard. I'd tell you that I'm still here and that I love you so much, I'd tell you that every single day I think about you. It's been 6 years since the last time I heard your voice live, since I saw you and you're still one of the most important people in my life.

Every time something happens in my life, good or bad, my first reaction is STILL to pick up my phone and o to call you. I don't know that I'll ever lose that instinct. I'd love to say I only cherish the times I had with you but I'd be lying. I'm way too selfish and I want so badly to have more time with you. I want to get one  more call from you or hug you one more time or hear you laugh one more time. And if I got one of those, I'd want one more. You were so big in my world for so long, it's still hard to realize you're not here every morning.

     Okay, time to kinda update you on everything since 2012...here it goes:
So Ry and I have been hanging out a lot, it's been really great to have a friend like him. He's probably the only other person who has been close to you to me, he makes me not hate the word family. I keep up with Britt as much as I can too. I've gotten to do a lot of really cool things over the last 6 years; FINALLY got my passport and I'm gonna start using it soon. Met some famous people, actors and hockey players, just about every one has been awesome. I even got to meet a few actors who were on Cheers. Uncle George would have loved to hear that.

I've also learned a lot about what's really important in life, I've been trying to make experiences and people way more important than money and objects...you taught me that money comes and goes, I hold that close to my heart as I try to be a good person to people more than I try to be a business person or let the love of money enter my heart.  I've gotten a bunch of times to spend with Pop and some other people I'm related to, that has been really cool. I've been drawing, taking pictures a lot over the last few years and making videos. I wish I could show you some of my better stuff. You'd like them.

     So I know you'd have a tough time with this but I am doing something I've needed to do for a long time, I'm opening up about being me and I've truly been happy since being honest about being trans. I know it would be hard for you to understand but I also know you'd try to understand and even if you never did get it, you'd still love me. I wish I could tell you the story from the beginning and explain how much better I am now than I was before. I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you a long time ago, I think if I was things might have been different...somehow...I'm not quite sure how much different or in what way. Either way I wish you could see me now and see that I'm trying to be happy, like for real happy.

     Well, I could write a novel about how much I miss you but it still wouldn't fully explain pinpoint everything...guess I'll stop now.

You CAN make it! A July 28th 2018 update

     Update:
I have not been suicidal in months; I haven't had any thoughts of ending myself even in a passing manner in such a long time. Ever since I was a little kid, my thoughts lined up with the philosophy "if something happens and there's any kind of danger, I don't care about risking my life or putting myself in between anyone else and life threatening situations. Now that's a great thing to do but the reason I did that was because I didn't care about me, not because I was selflessly protecting others.

     The difference between then and now isn't that I don't want to protect others or that I would save myself...BUT now I am honestly looking to live my life instead of imagining a scenario (a very very rare situation, despite what it looks like on the news. In all truth, it's not an everyday occurance that a life or death situation happens) I want to think about the positive possibilities, encourage people and focus on the good things this world has to offer.

     I've spent enough time thinking about what can go wrong or what  the worst case scenarios are, I am and have been for a while now actually enjoying life. And to anyone who has thought about suicide or anywho who feels hopeless or stuck or in any kind of bad situation, please know that ther eis always a way for things to get better. All it takes is thinking positive and baby steps toward positivity. It doesn't happen all in one day and you will fall back at times, but you can make it. You will make it. If I can go from a 9 year old trying to jump to my death to get out of living my life to the person I am today, than you can find a way to out live your depression and actually live instead of existing.

July 16th 2018 Update and Thoughts

     Well, it's been oddly hard for me to put thoughts together so I'm gonna try to keep this one as to-the-point as I can.

Today is Monday July 16th, 2018. I've spent the last two days barely moving with a migraine, fever and nausea. I slept between Sunday at 1 pm til about Monday around 3pm, with a few times waking up to crawl to the bathroom. This has been the sickest I've felt since 2012 when I got a migraine that stayed with me for 3 days. 

     One thing that I remember was having a dream:

I woke up and went downstairs and suddenly I was in my uncle's house. Instinctively, I went to the kitchen and looked in the fridge for food (in the dream I was sick and hungry too). As I was searching the cabinets, like it was normal to be back there, my grand mom (who passed away in 2006) came in and asked if I'm sick. I mumbled yes and she started to make me cream of wheat. Then I heard my Uncle Mike (who passed away in 2012) in the living room taking to someone.

I felt so sick that I didn't  have the energy to think about where I was or who was around. It was like I knew they were both dead but I couldn't do or say anything till I felt better. I slightly broke through to my grand mom by saying  that I had something to tell her once I felt better but I woke up before that happened, I woke up. #Sad I miss them both a lot.

     Life updates:

- In 30 days, I'm taking a trip with some friends to a cabin in South Carolina. Three days of completely getting away from anything followed by about 5 days of paid time off! I'm super excited for that.

- I've been on estradiol for 6 1/2 months, there have been massive internal changes but very very little external changes, which has me discouraged. I have some barely noticeable breast growth and my stomach is becoming as round as a basketball even though I'm losing weight, that's really it. 

- My cousin and I have been having "Screen Time"  and absolutely love it! I have a projector, a screen and have been watching movies and shows on around a 100 inch screen! We've completely covered my windows so there is absolutely no light coming in and we're currently working on cutting the sound from being too loud outside my room.

- And finally my aunt has set up an appointment with laser hair removal, which is beyond painful and absolutely amazing! I had my first session with Vicky Rappaport of Expert Skincare by Victoria in Newtown, PA  I can't strress enough how great she's been with me and I'm looking forward to session #2 next week. 

https://www.expertvictoria.com/

Giving

     I have had giving on my mind for a while now and I want to talk about what it means to me.

When I think of the word "giving" I think about all the times I needed money and had to ask someone (Mom G, Jakie, Glenn, Nate, Josh and Mike, you are all the man...among many other amazing friends) or the rare times I was able to help and give someone money. And it's true that money is usually what people need the most or want more than anything else as a society.

But there is so much more to giving that is so so important, even when giving money itself. There are so many times when the money isn't what you're actually giving, like hope or something good happening that means more than the actual cash switching hands.
I can't tell you how many times I've been given money from friends that helped and was necessary but their positivity was so much more needed.

Hope is something that can come with giving because we (society) often get beat down by life and by work and by fear and by ourselves and by bosses and by...etc; hope kinda feels so far away and sometimes faith in humanity can be restored even a little just by being able to part with a few bucks. And I think the fact that we put so much mental stock in money makes giving feel so much more hopeful too.

Ok, you get what I think about the monetary part of giving so let's talk about giving in other ways or areas:


     Time. Time is a huge thing. Giving your time to someone is such an intangible good that I think it's way more valuable than money most of the time. I have friends who have have let me vent to them or have taken time to sit and talk with me or give advice when needed and the time they gave was just the perfect gift to me. I hope anyone reading this who has given me their time knows how much it has meant to me. I try to pay it forward and if I can, give back to those who gave to me.

     Advice. Good advice is something that is invaluable when given and it's one of the odd things where accepting it is a big part of the gift. And of course advice is given out so many times when not asked for that all advice is accepted with a grain of salt at least at first. Good advice is a treasure and those times when we have no idea what to do and all seems lost is when it's beyond priceless.

Recently, I was in a mood and anxiety induced situation where I just stood there and had no idea what to do, I felt like I couldn't remember when to breathe because I just was in shock and talking to a friend who is currently away but gave me a call, that really helped me not fall off the edge. She gave me some great advice and her time, I couldn't thank her enough for those gifts.

     I also want to add in here giving someone knowledge of God is a huge thing, It's changed my life in such a giant way that Nate invited me to his church. Even though I struggle with my relationship with God and even though I'm going through some very tough things right now, God has been a huge addition to my life and He changed things from grim at best to at least being able to see possible hope in my future.


     I know I've been a taker and in need of giving a lot more than giving in my life but one of my goals in life, one of the few motivation factors for me, is wanting to be able to give and help others. My hope is that there is a day when I can see a person in a position I've been in and do something to give them hope or show them something positive, pay it forward (to put it in a popular phrase)

A Few Memories of Epic Proportions!

     So one night, I was babysitting this little baby girl and a boy who has been one of my best friends since his first birthday. She was...one, I think and it was at late night. I was watching some horror movie and heard a noise that I never ever like hearing, a sad cry. Now there are a few different cries, some are annoying and some cause sympathy and then there's the worst kind: a sad cry. This little girl had a "night terror" and was crying hysterically.

     I was in the basement and couldn't run fast enough to get to her, this little princess' cry, especially the sad cry, was and is the worst sound I could possibly hear so I got to her and picked her up. Something about this little angel: I have never had kids myself but I know the feeling that nothing matters more than a baby's happiness and well being and when I held her I knew that not a single thing mattered more than making her feel better. The light in her room was dim and I rocked her a little for a little while to get her to stop sad crying. While rocking her, I sang some songs to try and relax her.

I wasn't used to doing this so I came up blank on songs so I sang the songs that come naturally to me...so please don't make too much fun of me. I sang a few Saturday morning cartoon songs, Animaniacs, Tiny Toons, Ninja Turtles and maybe a few others. She still cried but was slowly calming down. Then I sang one of my favorite songs and just a few words in she stopped crying loudly, her little cheeks were soaked by tears but she yawned and looked up at me. My heart absolutely melted and I smiled a smile that only she can get out of me (and she still does to this day) and I kept singing.

     "...take my hand, take my whole life too. For I can't help falling in love with you..." And I know the song's meaning but in that moment I understood what a parent feels like when they say they love their kids. I sang the rest of the song and she yawned her little tiny yawns and even smiled a little as I finished (probably because I was done singing, hahaha)

And as I laid her down in her crib, I saw love in a way I had never experienced before. Knowing that I stopped her sad cry meant more to me than any amount of money or any accomplishment I did for myself, her not being sad...that made my heart melt like nothing could.

     Another memory that will last a lifetime:

I was at work one day and I forget what exactly happened but someone was messing with me, trying to get me to fight them. I am not one to get into fist fights if there's a way to talk things out or even yell things out so the fact that the person got me to the point of almost engaging was really impressively bad. That day my friend was picking me up from work and she pulled up moments before a possible fight. 

Normally I would sit in the passenger's seat but this day my friend saw how upset I was and made me get in the middle seat in her minivan. I was annoyed that she wouldn't let me in the front but I got in and in the opposite middle seat was this infant, maybe around the same time as the previous story. I was so worked up, just about nothing could calm me down..or so I thought. 

     I looked over at the baby and saw that little baby girl's smile and even though I was ready to get into a fight moments ago, she smiled and the whole world seemed to stop being so negative. Again, her happiness was so much more important than some fight or whatever that person did or said. It was as if God personally spoke through that tiny little angel directly to me. Her laugh healed my anger. That little girl that I lovingly call "Spazz" is and has always been an angel to me.

     And the last Epic Story:
Skipping ahead a few years, I was visiting my friends ending up there late. I hadn't lived with them for a while and my friend stepped outside when I heard that same cry from that same girl, about 6 years older by now. She again had a night terror and I again, went to her as fast as I could and again she was crying that sad cry that hurts my heart so much. I picked her up and walked her down to the basement where I was watching a movie and she sat on my lap.

Through tears, I whispered nice things to her and calmed her out of her hysteric crying. Then she give me a kiss on my cheek and put her little head on my shoulder and in a few minutes fell asleep. I remember this moment because at the time I hadn't seen her for a few weeks and she treated me like I was supposed to be there. There wasn't weirdness and she didn't take away her trust in me, it was just there.

I picked her up and walked her back to bed and she slept through the night. I took a picture because her head on my shoulder meant more to me than any amount of money that has ever or will ever exist. That little girl is my heart and soul personified.

Thank you, God for this little angel.