A Sorta Kinda Confession/Unrelenting Thought Type of Thing

     So I'm here, I'm trans and have been officially medically transitioning for almost a year now. I've told many close friends, some of whom have exited my life or made it clear I'm not welcome in theirs and I've exited their lives. I've been openly moving towards identifying as female by using a new name and dressing differently (small steps mostly, I'm not very confident in my ability to pass as female so wearing dresses or other things has been confined to when I'm alone). I've stepped up a few times and tried to assert my seriousness about my decision and although I am not being so adamant at times, it's only because correcting certain things at certain times isn't going to be a productive action.

   And basically since I started, I told some friends that I would not partake in a relationship from now on. I said that my decision to transition puts me a situation where I would be going against one of my personal beliefs by dating anyone.

Before I continue with this thought, I need 

to make it clear that these thoughts, beliefs and opinions 

are NOT judgments I lay on anyone else. I don't think anyone 

should follow my rules or beliefs unless they actually believe 

the same thing and I would not judge anyone else based on their 

differences in any area that does not harm others. Happiness, 

safety, respect, loyalty, and following one's own belief system 

are the keys to keeping me from judging.

So if I say I feel as though I am a female, in spirit, that would lead to the guess that I would then be attracted to men. Generally, women date men. Clearly I'm not saying that that's the only possibility but it's the first assumption made when I've told people about my gender identity.

If I were to be attracted to men, my personal belief is that that would constitute as homosexuality. I am biologically male and that is a personal belief that I do not want to break (again, a personal belief ONLY holding myself accountable to, absolutely no one else is or would be wrong for this action, in this exact context) so dating men is already out of the question. And secondly, I am not only not attracted to men but I absolutely adore women. If I was attracted to men, I would not hold this belief so...basically that's not an option.

Now here's the biggest struggle with my transition, I am absolutely attracted to women. In fact that's one of the biggest things that kept me from transitioning for so long, I figured if I was this attracted to biological females and I look male enough then I can just deal with my inner thoughts and feelings without physically doing anything. But in the end of that thought process, I ignored myself to a harmful degree and that nearly pushed me to end myself. Not ideal, not an option.

So I am now, many months into my transition, having an inner struggle that I don't know if there's an outcome here that I'll be okay with:
   If I say I identify as a female and I live as a woman then again my personal belief comes into play, meaning I cannot live a homosexual lifestyle and be okay with myself. But on the other hand, I find myself wanting love, affection more and more everyday and having nothing to fill that void with.

   This debate I keep wrestling with has been sped up by having a specific person in mind, though it's a person I know for a fact is not even slightly interested in me. And the person isn't really important, the important issue right now is that I am feeling more and more needy for that kind of attention and it's starting to burn kinda badly. For, like, 7 months I was able to shut those 'hopeless romantic' kind of thoughts and feelings off almost completely and suddenly the flood gates seemed to open up recently.

All of this has me thinking thoughts like, "Am I only transitioning because I can't find love?" Or "If I met someone, someone really special, could I accept living a male life for them and for the life I'd be  apart of then?" These thoughts are good to have, questioning your beliefs and decisions will either reaffirm your decisions or cause you to potentially make a change you may need to make.

One of the few things about me that made sense before starting my transition was that I have had a deep burning desire to be in a "madly in love" relationship. I relate myself to a "Ted Mosby" type of spirit and that's a very male part of me that's clearly still alive and strong. Not that I'm confessing to being wrong here, I'm not. Even if I do stop transitioning in the future, it won't be a 'wrong' because I would only stop if I knew that I was making the wrong choice.

Two things about this entire rant:

   1. I wasn't exactly doing well in the love department...ever as a male. The most "but it's Robin" type of person in my life was a girl who I knew when I was 6, a girl who I searched for over a 20 year span. I made it my life's entire goal to find her and I did. I found her in 2010. And I contacted her, got her phone number and we spent about 2 weeks texting nonstop...then she saw something I said on facebook about my feelings toward her and she completely stopped responding to me. It was completely my fault that I lost any chance and all, I was dumb enough to think she wouldn't see that one random comment even though we were connected on facebook. She wasn't the same girl I knew or the girl I was searching for, I'm not writing this because of her or that issue. The reason I'm bringing this up is to say that's the closest I've ever come to being in love. At 6 years old, I was ready to spend my entire life with this girl and I was so sure that I could have won her heart that I didn't really let myself fall in love with anyone for the next 20 years. I had crushes but in the back of my mind I thought I was made for that girl. So in 2010 when I found her and found out I wasn't 'the one' for her, I had absolutely no path in life. None. That's the closest I've ever come to love, I've been burned by many and left by many and I've regretfully treated a few people very badly and that's the end of my love life as a male for 35 years. So I'm not exactly giving up some great love life by transitioning.

2. I'm so much happier by so many more seemingly little things now than I ever have been. Things like my name and being introduced and being complimented for pretty things, for example. My borther introduced me today as Layla and on the inside I was so proud and honored and happy to hear that name that I couldn't help but smile. I have an inner desire to take care of myself for the first time in my life.

So I have some things to think about and hopefully SOMETHING will clear up for me in some way. I'm gonna stop typing so I can over think and over analyze everything that happens. So...good night all.

Impatience Abounds

     So...I have told all my closest friends and all the people I think deserve to know what I've been dealing with for most or all of my life. I sat down with or messaged (those who I couldn't sit down with) and told them that I'm trans, I told them I've been delaing with it since I was young enough to think for myself and that my choice for my life is to transition from male to identifying as female.

(Disclaimer: I know I will never be a genetic female and I don't expect anyone to change anything about their life. It is my choice and I will respect if no one ever refers to me as a female or uses feminine pronouns when referring to me. But on the other hand, I am a person who is trying his/her hardest to live a life I want to actually live. I've been suicidal since I was under 10 and for the first time, I don't wake up every morning wishing a truck would veer off the road and take me out so before you try to mic drop me or [rudely] use masculine pronouns just to hurt me know that you're tipping the scale toward suicide wayy more than you are holding some truth you believe in.)

     So anyway, I told everyone that I think deserves to be told perosnally and now I'm waiting to start my transition. And let me just say, it is SOOOO HARD to wait for something you have dreamt of and thought about nonstop since you were like 4!! The worst part is I'm waiting for a cardiologist to say my heart is okay and then I can start. AND I hav ethe estrogen pills in my possession; I have for months now. Which means I've been sitting on them and waiting...and waiting...and waiting... (I think you get my point)...and waiting...

Now I'm coming up to my appointment at the Mazzoni Center in Philadelphia (the greatest city in the world) and I'm hoping and praying that all goes well. The best case scenario is that I'll be ab;e to start hormones then and physically begin my transition based on my appointment two days before that with my cardiologist. I'm both excited about the possibility of starting my physical transition from Vincent to Layla and scared that they'll tel me I can't transition for some medical reason. But either way, I'm going crazy right now because I'm stuck waiting for any answer.

     And it's funny because passing is a very important part of my future so I'm impatiently hoping to get started asap. Passing as female is important because I've seen many people who do not pass and they deal with looks and being talked about pretty much every time they go anywhere public and I do not want that. I want to just go about my life and dress how I feel comfortable and do things and go to departments in stores that I feel comfortable and talk about the things I enjoy and not be stared at all the time.
I've been made fun and talked about and made to feel awkward a lot in my life already and I would ideally like to not go through that anymore.

I even had a friend who does not agree with my choice to transition didn't think I was going to go through with it because she hasn't seen me wear feminie clothes or hasn't seen any physical changes in me yet.

I'm ready to take on the challenges of people askig questions and the challenge of firends seeing my body changing and the challenge of standing up in public and embracing who and what I truly am; again with the hope oflooking even close to the way I fele on the inside.

     Ok so my final thought is about my name. When I was looking for a name to represent me as an identifying female, I went through so many names I can't count them and came to a few I really liked. One that I wanted as my first name was Jade, it's unique and sounds very quirky in a way, another was Layla. I liked them a lot and eventually started going by Layla Jade. My last name is very important, I will admit it is heavily influenced by my favorite tv show: I am a Gilmore Girl at heart so Gilmore is THE name.  SO I recently decided since I am very clse to legally changing my name, I want to make sure it's the right name for me and decided to change the middle name to Lee; it goes well and I truly love the sound of Layla Lee Gilmore. For the firs ttime in my entire life, I love hearing my own name. So as I get closer to legally changing my name, I will change it to Layla Lee Gimore and have no regrets as I start a new chapter in my life.