One Day at a Time

     For the last two years, I have been trying to live by a motto more and more:

     And it's been a good one to help me to take steps outside of my comfort zone even in small ways. I've talked to people I wouldn't have before and done things I would have been too scared to do before. 

In fact, I'm still holding this philosophy and will have many times where I'll go to talk to my boss or speak up when I feel like I need to and I'll say to myself, "What is stopping me right now?" Which makes me really think, why am I not doing whatever it is (usually it's nervousness or introvertness that is stopping me) and to decide if it's something I should do or if I'm stopping for a good reason. 

So for about two year now, I and my cousin have been living by that statement and reminding each other of that thought when facing any challenge or coming to any potentially good thing we get shy or cared to do. 

It's made me a better person and in my personal case, it's been beneficial for little things and for giant steps toward a better me. This philosophy has helped me to talk to people and fight shyness and ask for things at work when I need to (example: when I have to ask for something small like paper towels at work or ask a coworker if I can use their bowl for lunch or small things that I normally have been so shy about that I would just quietly suffer instead of just saying something).

It's also been a driving force behind stepping out and telling more people I'm trans and starting the process of actually transitioning. After telling a very few close friends about my true self, I called a clinic ad tried to get an appointment, they told me it would be years before I could. That broke my heart and I wanted to give up and about a month later they called and let me know there was an opening, I was scared and almost didn't take the opportunity. 

Now I was being scared of hurting others and being introverted and I was scared that my job would be lost or I'd have to explain to strangers stuff I really didn't want to...etc. But those reasons are all things that should be thought about before TAKING the opportunity, they should NOT stop me from doing something I absolutely needed to do. It was a life saving chance and I ended up saying to myself, "What is truly stopping me? Why am I not jumping on this opportunity?" and I thought about what those excuses were and realized I needed to go for it.

It's been great and it's been a great tool for making me a better person...but what's next? Now that I have that weapon in my arsenal and take more steps, what do I do next?

     This is where my new philosophy is coming into play. My cousin, who is a huge inspiration to me, brought up another phrase that he's been living by for a while now. That phrase, which he and I both need to use daily, is:

     One day at a time. What a wonderful phrase. One day at a time ain't no passing ca-raze. (YouTube

the song, sing it loudly, get it out of your system and then come finish this) After taking the steps and doing the things that I should do, there are sometimes very big ramifications that come from those decisions.

If I talk to a stranger, I could make a new friend and they will call or text me sometime and I will have to accept their friendship. For an introvert like me, that can be very daunting to say the least. 

     And for a bigger example, if I set an appointment at a clinic that helps people transition from male to female or vice versa and they tell me my heart might not be good and I have to get an appointment at a cardiologist and they want me to fix my health insurance and that takes time and diligence to correct and that causes me to have to schedule days off from work so I can go to these appointments and that causes me to have to take on days that I do not particularly want to and following through with that causes me to have to tell my coworkers and all the rest of my friends about my situation and decision to transition from the VJ they all know into Layla, the person I've always actually been. 

So that's a lot, right?! That can feel like too much...that IS too much, all at once. It's so much that it can cause ulcers or depression spikes or fear and panic or giving up. I'm fighting all those bad things by saying to myself, "One day at a time." 

All I need to do today is call a place and set an appointment, then go and relax once that's done. Tomorrow, my goal will be to go to the appointment and that's the only goal for that day. The next day, I'll need to just go to work and focus on working hard there, nothing else for that day. 

One day at a time has been making my sometimes very scary needs a lot easier to swallow without shutting down. I've become good at shutting down throughout my life and anything that will help me fight that is great. 

I'm setting a small yet achievable goal for today: today I am going to church and paying attention. It's small enough to do without any stress but it's big because my faith in God has not been good for a while and I have been shutting my ears toward what God has to say to me. 

     I have a few final thoughts I want to share with myself and anyone else reading:

* A place that my Uncle and I used to go to shut down and that really hurts. It was a small pizza place in Philadlephia and I can't tell you how many times I've gone there with him and with others in honor of him. I'm trying to not be too hurt about this but wow this is a big emotional hit to my world. RIP Fanti's Pizza.

* When I read this years from now and try to remember the exact time, I just painted my nails green and white for the Philadelphia Eagles. They're playing the New England Patriots later today for the Super Bowl. I'm not a huge football fan but I love any reason Philadelphia gets to celebrate anything. I's the greatest city in the world and I hope for the city that they win...plus I hate teams like the Patriots, they're the reigning champs and have been caught cheating many times and have won a lot. I want to see the underdogs win it.

So for the sake of my city, E-A-G-L-E-S- Eagles!

January 22nd 2018 Update

     Vincent: I've been dealing with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and insane amounts of random bad luck lately and that has been affecting my life in a big way. I've missed work, I've missed out on things for friends and I've been giving myself migraines from the stress of all that. And of course, I had to do something to help my situation, I broke my tooth the other day and it is killing me.


I've given up trying to keep up with friends or anyone else and that has it's good and bad sides. Oh and every day I get called Vincent or he or get asked to do something because "I'm a guy" makes it harder to deal with, I do not feel like a guy in any way other than my body so it's getting harder to hear; I'm not saying I'm going to yell at anyone who uses those terms, I'm just saying I feel it more and more that I want so badly to put 'Vincent' away for good.


     Layla: It's been so hard not to start the hormones I have in my possession, it would be so easy to just start them and not even tell my Dr. I'm not gonna do that but it would be so easy and it would make me feel a lot more comfortable. I've gained so much weight lately that it's crazy, maybe it's because I haven't been walking for about a month now but I think it's because I stopped estrogen (that's when it started to add up so quickly, I've gained about 25 lbs since stopping)

On the positive side, I've been slowly introducing more feminine things into my world, mostly for the sake of my friends and that's been going okay. I started painting my nails months ago and now my friends aren't shocked when they see that and I've been wearing more pink and more softer colors and clothes that are more stereotypically feminine; my hair is getting pretty long and I love that.

And another really cool...let's call it a side effect of being open about myself is my dreams. So I have always had dreams that I had to hide being feminine, like one specific one was when I was in 6th grade.

I was walking home from school one random day and I realized I was growing breasts; my chest

started to ache and I was trying to be as invisible as I could. As I was nearly safe from every one's view, a friend came and told me I needed to be a safety that day (I was a safety in school for a while and had to wear a bright orange belt and a badge after school) So I go to a corner and help kids cross the street but I'm trying my hardest to hide that  my body is becoming more feminine by the minute; by the end kids didn't recognize me till I spoke.

I felt so embarrassed when I woke up and that ramped my hiding of the truth by a lot. I tried harder to be more manly for a while and tried so hard to stay away fro anything even remotely feminine.

Now, I have been dreaming myself as a female completely for a while now, it's interesting how my mind changes how my dreams are based on how things go in life. I'm nt saying that I'm a biological female or that I ever will be but my mind knows what I am inside and has begun kinda recentering certain things. It's pretty fascinating.

     I have two appoin tments coming up this week and I am terrified that the cardiologist appointment will not go well so I would appreciate any kind words or prayers. If that goes well, the apointment at

Mazzoni Center will go really well and I'll be allowed to start medicine.

I'm anticipating these and hoping for the best. I'm realy hoping in a few years I'll be able to talk about all of this as a stepping stone toward Layla's emergence and a renewed life. Hoping...hoping...

Impatience Abounds

     So...I have told all my closest friends and all the people I think deserve to know what I've been dealing with for most or all of my life. I sat down with or messaged (those who I couldn't sit down with) and told them that I'm trans, I told them I've been delaing with it since I was young enough to think for myself and that my choice for my life is to transition from male to identifying as female.

(Disclaimer: I know I will never be a genetic female and I don't expect anyone to change anything about their life. It is my choice and I will respect if no one ever refers to me as a female or uses feminine pronouns when referring to me. But on the other hand, I am a person who is trying his/her hardest to live a life I want to actually live. I've been suicidal since I was under 10 and for the first time, I don't wake up every morning wishing a truck would veer off the road and take me out so before you try to mic drop me or [rudely] use masculine pronouns just to hurt me know that you're tipping the scale toward suicide wayy more than you are holding some truth you believe in.)

     So anyway, I told everyone that I think deserves to be told perosnally and now I'm waiting to start my transition. And let me just say, it is SOOOO HARD to wait for something you have dreamt of and thought about nonstop since you were like 4!! The worst part is I'm waiting for a cardiologist to say my heart is okay and then I can start. AND I hav ethe estrogen pills in my possession; I have for months now. Which means I've been sitting on them and waiting...and waiting...and waiting... (I think you get my point)...and waiting...

Now I'm coming up to my appointment at the Mazzoni Center in Philadelphia (the greatest city in the world) and I'm hoping and praying that all goes well. The best case scenario is that I'll be ab;e to start hormones then and physically begin my transition based on my appointment two days before that with my cardiologist. I'm both excited about the possibility of starting my physical transition from Vincent to Layla and scared that they'll tel me I can't transition for some medical reason. But either way, I'm going crazy right now because I'm stuck waiting for any answer.

     And it's funny because passing is a very important part of my future so I'm impatiently hoping to get started asap. Passing as female is important because I've seen many people who do not pass and they deal with looks and being talked about pretty much every time they go anywhere public and I do not want that. I want to just go about my life and dress how I feel comfortable and do things and go to departments in stores that I feel comfortable and talk about the things I enjoy and not be stared at all the time.
I've been made fun and talked about and made to feel awkward a lot in my life already and I would ideally like to not go through that anymore.

I even had a friend who does not agree with my choice to transition didn't think I was going to go through with it because she hasn't seen me wear feminie clothes or hasn't seen any physical changes in me yet.

I'm ready to take on the challenges of people askig questions and the challenge of firends seeing my body changing and the challenge of standing up in public and embracing who and what I truly am; again with the hope oflooking even close to the way I fele on the inside.

     Ok so my final thought is about my name. When I was looking for a name to represent me as an identifying female, I went through so many names I can't count them and came to a few I really liked. One that I wanted as my first name was Jade, it's unique and sounds very quirky in a way, another was Layla. I liked them a lot and eventually started going by Layla Jade. My last name is very important, I will admit it is heavily influenced by my favorite tv show: I am a Gilmore Girl at heart so Gilmore is THE name.  SO I recently decided since I am very clse to legally changing my name, I want to make sure it's the right name for me and decided to change the middle name to Lee; it goes well and I truly love the sound of Layla Lee Gilmore. For the firs ttime in my entire life, I love hearing my own name. So as I get closer to legally changing my name, I will change it to Layla Lee Gimore and have no regrets as I start a new chapter in my life.