I'm Alone and I'm an Easy Target

     So, here I sit. Alone. And not only alone but alone and thinking about things. That's never good.

I often examine my life and my choices, I consider this a good trait about me...cool, right? I'm giving myself props for something. Yup. But...

There's always another side to things and the flip side of examining things is that I think and overthink the negative stuff in my life; things that can't be changed, the things I've done wrong and things that I expected to be a certain way that didn't even come close.

   One thing that scares me more than most thoughts is:

When I do something, whether it's lie to someone or choose something that is quickly proven to be the wrong choice or even pure accidents like dropping something and knowing that no matter how okay things are in that moment or the moments right after...things are about to be absolutely the worst. Because I'm me, I'm gonna use a hockey analogy here.

   Picture this: a defense man has the puck at the blue line. His stick lifts up to take a big slap shot and for a second he takes his eyes off of where the puck is and off of any opposing players near him. Just as his stick is as far from the ice as can be, an opposing player sneaks in and pushes the puck behind that defense man and that skater is speeding toward the other goal tender.

Now if you're not a hockey player or fan, this is one of the worst feelings in the game. You just caused a possible goal against your team and, depending on the situation, that could lead to your team losing a game or a playoff series. The few seconds between the puck being stolen from you and the result of that are the absolute worst, in my opinion. In those moments, things are okay; no goals are scored and you haven't caused any harm to your team...yet.

Now take that analogy and apply it to my thought pattern. I have made mistakes in my life, like not taking advantage of  opportunities when I had them that didn't affect me for a while but have since caught up to me and no matter what I do after that, all I can do is know I messed up before.

That's all the 'completely my fault' stuff, THEN add in the things that were never in my control and we have the disaster that is my life/existence. Things like my gender dysphoria and my early family life, these things have directly aided abandonment issues, inability to understand certain thing or trust people and more.

Sitting here, on my floor tonight, I have spent a few hours examining my situation and...spoiler alert: it's not a good evaluation.

I have no close friends and anyone who comes into my life either gets pure cling from me or I curse them by bringing them down. (I know it sounds crazy but I honestly believe I am cursed, everyone that invests in me gets bogged down when I enter their life more than casually and the moment they get me out of their regular life, their life gets considerably better. I have more than a few people and families worth of proof.)

I can't work a normal job because I get migraines and have anxiety, both of which I did to myself. Migraines come from post concussion syndrome, I got many concussions years ago and still to this day am heavily affected and the anxiety comes from me being broken mentally. I also put myself in funks by thinking about dark things and leading my thoughts into dark places, clearly not with the intent to build anxiety or stress but I still do it, nonetheless.

I have trouble understanding fairly easy things and have trouble conversing with people because I have trouble coming up with the words I want to use, I'm slow.

I'm a glutton for punishment; I fall 'in love' with women I have absolutely no chance with and not in the 'putting myself down' kind of way, it's the this is clearly not right and not going to work even if a relationship would start' kind of thing. I fall for girls who are very very out of my league and push
 them away to avoid being hurt or hurting them (remember the curse? I usually like the girls I fall for so I don't want them to be hurt by my curse), so what I do is obsess about someone but don't say anything and it eats me from the inside out and I act weird and awkward and end up looking and seeming very unlikeable or just plain creepy.

Oh, and for fun there are a few girls that I possibly could have ended up with but ruined those chances a long long time ago and now I have to see them happy and either with someone else happily or I can only quietly check their social media to make sure they're okay...er okay enough to post things publicly.

Aaaand then there's what's wrong with me, I am absolutely, undoubtedly not worth anyone's time. I can't drive (between not being smart enough to pass the written test and having what I very much believe to be dyslexia, I don't have my license and don't believe I ever will), I am not a role model or a good teacher, I rent a basement of someone's house and will probably never have enough to even pay for a date.

     Another analogy I often imagine to explain my life is Super Mario Bros. When you play and jump

 at the wrong time, too early to be exact, and you are in the air but know you won't make it to the platform you need to land on in order to continue; that's my life.I'm alive and well...right now. And that's not a threat of me ending anything, that's me saying things are not far from crashing.

The picture I'm using for this is perfect, at the very second this screen shot was taken, Mario was alive and had not died yet but there is absolutely nothing that can be done by this point to fix the mistake that was made.

   None of this is meant to be any kind of goodbyes or admission of anything, this is the darkness in my mind and this is currently where I am emotionally/mentally. I'm trying so hard to fight through this but the more I keep these thoughts locked in my head, the worse it gets. This entire blog is about getting the demons out of the depths and darkness of my mind, I highly reccomend if anyone else reads this and feels even close to this way, find your way to get the demons out of your bubble whether it's writing or art or talking to someone or whatever you can. And message me, I'm here for you if you need it. Never think you have to deal with darkness alone. Though...honestly, right now I feel like I am.

Good night.

A Sad Late Update

     So I'm still here. I say that a lot, I suppose that's a good thing though.

The last few weeks have been very trying for me mentally and emotionally, so saying I'm still here is a bigger thing than it sounds...I'll explain:

Let's start about a month ago, I found out some giant life changing news. Some very very close friends told me they decided to move far enough away that they're not going to be a part of my daily life anymore. They haven't exactly been a part of my every day daily life for a little while but the possibility of visiting them on any given day has been there for about 18 years.

Finding out they were even considering moving 2 hours away was mind blowing; but to find out they were considering it, have considered it, made the decision, found a new church and were looking for a new house was...whatever is a metric ton bigger than mind blowing to me. That both hurt and shocked me (not that they were doing something good for their lives, I was and am happy for their family growth. The hurt is specifically selfish and not knowingly not them hurting anyone on purpose)

     Then, I was hit at work very hard with a bunch of things that I won't get into for reasons but things have not been great there and I've been on a day-and-night constant anxiety scared roller coaster due to that. Oh, and that happened at the same exact time that I found out about my friends. So...great.

     THEN AT THE SAME FREAKING TIME, my health insurance through the state was cut off temporarily (thank you state for being awful and only using the slowest and most useless form of communication, mail) so I lost the ability to receive the medicine that has actually been starting to help me even a little bit. I wasn't able to take migraine medicine or anti depressants for about 3 weeks and that severely sent my emotions and ability to think straight out the window for long enough to drive me crazy. This, in part, affected my performance at work and made things hard on those around me there so that's a small part of that.

     So all of that happened and adding that I jumped from the pill form of estrogen to the needle form, which took a little bit of time to adjust to emotionally, made my last month torture.

Now let's go back and talk about the ramifications of all those things:

     My friends. SO my friends have moved, I helped them move and stayed at their new place the first few nights and even went to their new church their first Sunday. It was joyful to know they're going in the right direction but very very hard to know they aren't here anymore. And here is the selfishest part (I know it's not a word...accept it and move on) They do not approve of my decision to transition and part of their non acceptance is they are not in my friends list on Facebook.

That in itself doesn't mean much, Facebook is not the defining factor of a friendship; BUT...I now have no connection to them except texting, which anyone who knows me personally knows just how bad I am at keeping up that way. I don't get any updates about them or their lives and anyone who says they'll text every update to one person is lying. We'll eventually lose touch.

It's something they didn't want to acknowledge and I didn't want to ruin any of our final moments with but it's the truth. Friends who are in my life have said things to comfort me like they'll always be there for me but they are ignoring this fundamental thing. This wasn't a "See ya later." this was "Goodbye." to 5 of my best friends on planet earth.

     The emotional toll changing medicines take is beyond words, it affected every aspect of my mind and life. I wasn't able to think straight enough to do even small tasks without feeling like I was having a mental break down. And my anxiety/depression is not a small issue so to have that come back at full force was nearly life stopping, at least that's how it felt at all times.

I couldn't control my emotions, I couldn't stop the feeling of everything hitting me at once like an earthquake of fear and panic and chaos. I still don't feel what I would call 'good' but nothing feels as bad as that felt, when adding the trouble I kept getting in at work too.

     So after all that...I'm still here. Kinda numb, don't really feel alive or productive in any way...but still here nonetheless.

Dear Uncle Mike

     Dear Uncle Mike,

                             Hi, It's been a while...I really really wish you were here. So much has happened since the last time we talked, some stuff I'm sure you wouldn't have an easy time with but I know you'd still be here for me. You were one of very few never to have walked away from me or gotten rid of me. Wish I could say thank you for that...among so much I wish I could tell you.

     Uncle Mike...I you were here I'd tell you that I am working on finding a way to accept myself and I'm fighting suicide very very hard. I'd tell you that I'm still here and that I love you so much, I'd tell you that every single day I think about you. It's been 6 years since the last time I heard your voice live, since I saw you and you're still one of the most important people in my life.

Every time something happens in my life, good or bad, my first reaction is STILL to pick up my phone and o to call you. I don't know that I'll ever lose that instinct. I'd love to say I only cherish the times I had with you but I'd be lying. I'm way too selfish and I want so badly to have more time with you. I want to get one  more call from you or hug you one more time or hear you laugh one more time. And if I got one of those, I'd want one more. You were so big in my world for so long, it's still hard to realize you're not here every morning.

     Okay, time to kinda update you on everything since 2012...here it goes:
So Ry and I have been hanging out a lot, it's been really great to have a friend like him. He's probably the only other person who has been close to you to me, he makes me not hate the word family. I keep up with Britt as much as I can too. I've gotten to do a lot of really cool things over the last 6 years; FINALLY got my passport and I'm gonna start using it soon. Met some famous people, actors and hockey players, just about every one has been awesome. I even got to meet a few actors who were on Cheers. Uncle George would have loved to hear that.

I've also learned a lot about what's really important in life, I've been trying to make experiences and people way more important than money and objects...you taught me that money comes and goes, I hold that close to my heart as I try to be a good person to people more than I try to be a business person or let the love of money enter my heart.  I've gotten a bunch of times to spend with Pop and some other people I'm related to, that has been really cool. I've been drawing, taking pictures a lot over the last few years and making videos. I wish I could show you some of my better stuff. You'd like them.

     So I know you'd have a tough time with this but I am doing something I've needed to do for a long time, I'm opening up about being me and I've truly been happy since being honest about being trans. I know it would be hard for you to understand but I also know you'd try to understand and even if you never did get it, you'd still love me. I wish I could tell you the story from the beginning and explain how much better I am now than I was before. I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you a long time ago, I think if I was things might have been different...somehow...I'm not quite sure how much different or in what way. Either way I wish you could see me now and see that I'm trying to be happy, like for real happy.

     Well, I could write a novel about how much I miss you but it still wouldn't fully explain pinpoint everything...guess I'll stop now.

Meditation

     I'm still here.

That's not just an introduction to my week's thoughts or some topic I have been thinking about, it's...a sad and true statement that I considered not being able to type. I'm sorry for this but the truth is the past few weeks have put me on the edge of a metaphorical cliff. One that I thought I was away from, err further from, and I considered giving up.

     I'm not proud of that last paragraph, just having to admit that made it easier to think about giving up and harder to be able to type "I'm still here."

     This drawing is one I created recently during a very positive message by a close friend and my current (soon to be former) pastor. The message was uplifting and led me to think about my beliefs and how they should be stronger...but this was lurking in the depths of myself and for those of you who do not interpret this, I'll explain it.

             This picture depicts everything being dead no matter what. The red circle is 

life and it's meant to be positive and healing and loving but that one thing that is trying 

to help and wants to help and is made to help is being hit by lightning, the trees and 

the roots and the little things that grew naturally were born sick and came up 

like zombie plants. And the only thing they have to look forward to is watching that 

one helpful thing either being hurt for trying or watching it leave; all hope is 

either killed or abandons the nearly dead plants. The X's are hatred, negativity, 

soul sucking sadness ready to drag anything and everything into the ground 

to exist with only misery...that's the full meaning of this piece of art.

     I'm not saying this to gain any sympathy, I'm attempting to grow from this recent attack on my inner most pain. Today (Thursday, October 11th 2018) I started meditating. I want to learn to focus all the stress and all the distractions and all the negativity/things/people trying to hurt me away from my heart. I did what every millennial would do (I'm not one but I live in their world so...) and I searched on YouTube for meditation videos. 

I found a 3 video series by a channel called 'Picking Up Limes' and watched them; the first 2 were okay and helped me focus and start to calm down but the 3rd one brought a thought up that made me really examine something about me. 

     Every single act I commit, I commit with as much strength as I have behind it. I thought about how I play and have played forever: when I used to go into the ocean, I played this silly game in my mind where I was superman and the waves were thrown at me by some super villain...and before you ask, yes I still do this at 36 years old...it was goofy and it was for funzies but when the waves hit me, I stood up with my chest puffed out and out strength'd each wave.

     This is silly, right? Just something most kids do, right? Probably and by itself there's no problem...but...then there's my other activities. I played sports, only against those better than me so I could become better. This was how I saw and treated everything and still do. When I get up in the morning,mentally I'm telling the morning, "I'm going to beat you! I will overpower you and NOT lose!" and then I get to work and in my mind I tell each rude customer or each negative situation, "You WILL NOT beat me!" and with this mentality, I'm emotionally drained by like 9am.

     I try to outwillpower everything from making breakfast to catching the train to answering the phone (one of the hardest things for me) to talking to random people to little things like staying focused on my daily check list and not getting distracted by whatever pops up throughout the day. Each thing I do, no matter how small, takes way too much emotional strength and then if something that takes actual strength comes up, I'm half exhausted already. And of course I power through that tiredness and do whatever I hav3e to do and have EVEN LESS energy for the next thing.

Now take that and add the fact that I don't know how to re energize myself in the long term and you have a person who gets to a point of thinking, "I can't do this anymore." Just like me...recently.

     So I tried to not be impatient and meditate. I was of course impatient and didn't meditate at first. But after a little while I did it and got the desired calming down that I needed right now. I also recently started using an app called headspace, which I have now used for 2 days...out of about 15. Not great but it's a start. My plan is to use it in the morning before work for 3 minutes a day and then on days off have longer more dedicated meditation times.

A few days ago, I had it in my head that by December I wouldn't be here to make future plans and I want this to be one of few things I put my full strength behind in my attempt to conquer it. The only way I can do this is through prayers, consistently refocusing and finding a new mentality to living my life. 

I am writing this with goals in mind and I want to look back on this someday and remember the lows I'm living through now then be able to say "I'm still here."

Goals:

     -To meditate everyday for one week (today counts as day 1 so I've already got one day down)

     -To keep learning to heal from things that seem to have permanently damaged me

     -To keep making plans for the future, even if it's just tomorrow or later today; truly suicidal people don't want to think about the future, so I want to keep that as a focal point in my mind.

     -To find a new way to center myself when I lose control of situations (multitasking moments destroy my world)

I implore anyone reading to feel free to contact me anyway you can at any time and ask me about these goals; holding this kind of pain inside and not sharing it is a big factor in that 'I give up" feeling, I want to NOT let that dwell in the front of my mind. Thank you for reading and please let me know if you ever go through these kinds of things.

The House is Burning Around Me...But I'm Fine...Right??!

     It's ironic how quick things can go from successfully going well...to EVERYTHING IS DYING NOTHING WORKS EVERYTHING IS FAILING AT ALL TIMES AND EVERYONE NEEDS EVERYTHING THAT'S CLEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO OBTAIN RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND!

     Context:

Not too long ago, I was on top of things. I had a little extra money because I was successfully saving a little at a time and had a little bit built up, work was going really well, I had a routine of waking up and eating better than worse, my little anxieties were loosening their hold on my daily life, I had a support system of friends who I saw regularly, I had a solid plan for my future and I had a church that I felt comfortable walking into when the doors were open.

Over a relatively short time:
     - a few friends moved (or are moving), some have taken me out of their life and some have made it clear that I'm not welcome in their future, some have just drifted away from me (intentionally) and some just don't reply anymore.

     - I have this knack for putting myself in the worst situations in the worst times and usually I choose the worst thing to do at those moments. I did that recently when I had a Dr's appointment and ALL I NEEDED TO DO was bring medicine that I have had in my possession for weeks (I was supposed to start this medicine a month ago but needed to get instructions on how to use it and  between suddenly getting a lot of days in a row at work and getting migraines again at almost full force, I haven't been able to start)

     I just needed to bring the medicine with me so the day I finally had the ability and time to go, I got everything ready crazy early and basically made a mental checklist over and over for hours before I had to leave. I got all ready and at the last minute, I realized I forgot my bike lock, since my mode of transportation is my bicycle and I was riding to Center City. I grabbed my lock and spilled ALL the contents of my purse out in the act...of course...and guess what I mistakenly did not pick up. Yeah.

     It took me about an hour and a half to get there in 84 degree heat with no clouds and very high humidity. Almost 2 hours! And when I went in to get the needles I needed for my new medicine, I realized I didn't have THE ONE THING I NEEDED and tried with all my might not to freak out.

     I'll skip over all the minutes of panic that I went through, I had two choices:
A.)  I could leave and take the nearly 2 hour ride back in the heat and risk not having another free day for weeks
B.) Or I could have bought a second dose (I had another dose ready since I waited so long to go there) It was $40.00 and I only had about $50.00 for the week, which includes train tickets I needed and food.

I chose B. I just couldn't leave and not have the medicine for even longer.

     That's just one thing that recently ate any extra money I had and now I'm regularly short on rent or I end up going four or five days in the negative and I have to sneak on the train to get to work. And this has been my life for a while now; longer than I'm comfortable with...and there's no end in sight for this because the more I hit these walls, the more anxiety hits me harder and depression seems to just take over everything.

Oh and I just found out tthe insurance I have was cut off and they're "reviewing my application" meaning I can't get the migraine medicine and anti depressants that have been keeping me from completely crumbling for a little while now.

Baby Steps, Baby Steps...

     If you pictured Bill Murray or Richard Dreyfuss because of the title, we can be friends.

OK so my last post detailed just how bad it can get when I get stuck in the depths of my mind and while none of that is solved or completed, I am trying to deal with those thoughts and move ahead in life. Right now the only thing I can o is take small steps toward being a tiny bit better than I was yesterday, that's how you get better from illness and that's how you become a better person.

     The funny thing is I'm learning that my transition is very much a slow and drawn out process, it's not a "I'll take a pill or a needle and tomorrow I'll be completely done and ready to go out into the world as a finished product." I'm learning that as I transition physically, I'm changing mentally and spiritually and emotionally probably a lot more than any physical difference that even will occur (and that's a lot since I'm going to eventually look very differently)

     A week ago, I was feeling ready to pack it in and give up on life, I felt dead alive. The Walking Dead has a deep theory that the zombies are not the walking dead, the people are.

I felt/feel like I'm walking dead at times and whether it's because I'm losing friends or because the stress of work is too great or because I don't have a life or because I let anxiety take my ambition away or...about a thousand other things, I don't even see myself as 'alive' most of the time.

     Well, I've been trying to take some baby steps lately. As of May 26th 2018, I started on anti depressants. My first day went decently and today (Sunday the 27th) was rather eventless so you could call it a not bad day.  I hung out with a very good friend for a while and that was great but aside from that, I basically sat around all day.

I got off topic there...

So baby steps:

     I started taking medicine, I have taught myself how to do things that anxiety has stopped me from (like using the phone for a long time), I've been trying to change my attitude and the way I think about certain things, I've been trying to do things for other people more and I've been trying to take attention away from negativity in my own head and focus more on positive things.

I wish I had some answers to these attempts or deeper thoughts but I either just started or just re started these so only time will tell how I deal with everything. I can say I have hope and despite the things that could push me over  the edge, I am focusing on the future and on helping others...I pray that God shows me what my path is and that I remember Him in my thoughts more and more.

Thanks for attention, please feel free to share your thoughts or experiences. 

They Can't All be Good Days, Right?

     

     So it's been a few days since I last wrote in this and that's not a good thing. I created this diary to express my most inner demons and reveal to myself (and others who may be going through something similar) and while I believe I've made some monster strides in the way of progress, it's not all sunshine and roses in the depths of my mind. So this is a warning that it's going to get kinda dark in this entry.

     The last few weeks haven't been good. I haven't spent time with anyone and I've been masking the negative by smiling but it turns out that masking demons NEVER works for me. Ever.
So I recently lost a large portion of my friends and my entire support system, the same group that has kept me alive at times.

The same group that has taught me more than anyone else ever has, combined. And that is monumental, vast...enormous to me. Nearly impossible for me to just move on from and unlike a toxic relationship, this group was and is a good group. I refuse to treat them like they're  anything less than great...even though this situation is hurting me more than almost anything I've been through in my time here on earth.

     And as much as I wish I could say, "But even through this, I've overcome...I've succeeded in...I' haven't let that get me down...etc." But the truth is my transition and my psyche and my enjoyment has been at a very low for weeks now.

I've been depressed, I've considered what if I stop my transition, I've thought about is it worth going through this giant change and I've also thought hard about ending myself to fix the entire situation. I
heard that someone who was decently close to me who told a friend that they don't want me around their kids. But we're still friends. That makes me feel like a monster, a monster that shouldn't be in society...a feeling I've identified with for a very long time; something that I used to feel the need to prote4ct everyone by not subjecting them to my existence. I thought of myself as Angel from the old tv show.

     Angel, for those who don't know of the show, was a vampire with a soul. Played by David Boreanaz, the character was good but everyone who got close to him ended up getting hurt or killed.
He saw that and started being mean to those he cared about so they'd go away and he watched them from afar, always seeing that their lives were better without him in it.

There's one specific part of the series where he had a son and his son was so messed up by having a father who's a vampire that his life was just awful. So Angel had a chance through some television magic to erase his son's memories of being his son; he lived in a household where he had a normal life in a family that was like the stereotypical happy family.

Angel loved his son, Connor, so much that he erased himself from Connor's life...Connor was happy and had a good life...because Angel wasn't a part of it.

Now, I know it's just a silly tv show and there was insanely terrible story lines (like Angel turning into a puppet, no lie...smh) but the character's inner struggles have resonated with me from the first time I watched the show. And the ironic part of this is I always felt like a monster because I was this fake thing that had to hide what I truly was; getting away from the metaphorical here:

I had this female persona who I treated like an evil Jekyll that came out when I couldn't hold in the energy (only when I was alone). I  hated that inside, I had all these feminine desires and thoughts and hopes and dreams, I hated that I wasn't 'one of the guys' like ever and when I tried nothing ever went well.

So I would stay away from people I cared about and I'd end up going back and forth. One minute I meet someone and get to know then, I'd spend time with them and realize that, "Hey, this person is really cool. Hmm...I hope I don't ruin their life...I should do them a favor and back away..."

And because I'm not awkward in the least, I'd back away in THE MOST IMPERFECT MOMENT EVER and it would be just the worst. And adding to that the fact that I had a giant problem knowing what to say a lot as a kid (...and now), I didn't ever explain what was happening even when I explained it I didn't explain myself.

So for most of my life, the reason I did this was because I was lying about who I was and so now I'm trying to embrace the person I am inside...and here I am considering suicide again...because I lost just about any outside communication, that fellowship that customers don't give me and facebook doesn't give me and texting isn't enough of.

Last week, I was back to that point where I had to convince myself not to end myself that day...and I had to try very very hard to convince myself. The end result of that mental debate was only won because I didn't have the means to do anything serious. It's kinda like I was too lazy to kill myself and my brain made that so strong that I didn't do it. I'm also very scared of pain.

     I'm trying to put things in my life that might talk myself into being excited about the future, I'm trying. I'm scared of the future, I'm scared of being alone, I'd rather die and the possibility of being so alone (like I have been lately), it's real convincing of as future of only having customers as 'friends' which is the most fake kind of friendships. I hate being fake, I hate being a liar and I hate being alone.

A few friends who have stuck by me have been truly life saving, even through these terrible thoughts. I'm trying to make plans for next year and I'm trying to do things that are future motivated, I'm hoping that the good can outweigh the bad here...cauuse I need it to.

Last thoughts:
     I haven't been praying or reading my bible lately and I don't like that. I need to take the baggage I gave Him off and try to really lean on my God. I want to do things that are fruitful and things that benefit others and I need God to do that. Isaiah 63:9 says "in all their affliction, He was afflicted," ad I want Him to rejoice because I rejoice in the future. Pray for me, if you don't believe then you're not doing anyhting but taking a few minuites to do something for me and I appreciate that. Just say outloud, "Help him." that's enough for my God to hear...cause I need help.

Thanks.

It's Always Something

     I have a tooth ache. I have anxiety. I feel sick. Migraines, migraines, migraines. I forgot my ibuprofen. My dog ate my homework. My aunt is sick. My grandmother died. My pet ran away.

My boss called my into her office recently and after talking for a while she asked me, "Is everything okay? Is something going on?" I kinda laughed and said I'm fine so we could continue the conversation.

The truth was I wasn't fine at all, I had a bad anxiety attack at work and was barely able to breathe while we were talking but that didn't matter...once I found out I wasn't in trouble or anything was wrong. Part of my anxiety was that conversation, the boss asked me to see her in her office "at the end of the day"

     After the conversation, I thought about that question. No I'm not okay, I'm going through something. I'm just about always going through something whether it's a migraine or anxiety or whatever, always something.

And the reason that question is important is because of a few things I'm trying to do in life right now. I'm trying to do things that uplift others and create positivity in my own currently broken heart and
that is no easy task with something always going on. But I know I need to keep going, I need to fight through all the 'somethings' and try.

     One night recently, I was on instagram and saw a celebrity who took a picture and hid it somewhere. Jason Lee taped it to a stop sign and someday someone's gonna find it. If he signed it, they're gonna get a personal photo from the voice of Syndrome...or if it was me, Brody from Mallrats (my favorite Kevin Smith movie, make fun if you want) and how cool would it be to find something like that.

     So that instantly inspired me to do something similar, although my fame is quite limited compared to...well anyone. Just finding a photo from me isn't exactly something that anyone would love to find
just because BUT if I wrote a letter to someone maybe I can uplift someone somehow. That thought grew into writing a letter to a stranger that they might possibly need to read.

     So I thought about this country and where so many people are. Depression, anxiety, suicide, mentally just beaten from every direction...everyone needs to hear that they're worth it. I don't know one person who doesn't need a little pick-me-up from kinda no one.

     So I wrote a letter that I would like to find and read myself and I put it in a zip locked bag. Then I wrote another and put it in a zip locked bag. So far it's been rainy so I've only had the chance to hide one but my plan is to make many more of these letters and hide them in random places.



     I want to grow a trend of helping people in a way that I might not be able to in person, sometimes if someone is standing there, people feel the need to put on a show and act like they appreciate acts more than they actually feel. It's a mask of sorts and that can completely ruin the actual meaning behind it all.

If someone randomly finds a letter that says, "You're worth it even though life sucks sometimes." hopefully they won't feel like they need to thank anyone or act like they're okay and they can truly receive the blessing.





     Getting back to the beginning, there's always going to be something that can stop me and they're always going to at least sound legitimate. I don't want to let them stop me from doing the only thing I know I can do, try to help people even in some small way.

     And since I am writing this as a reminder of updates when I can't remember things later in life, here's a life update:

     I'm planning a trip with my cousin and a friend next year, one I desperately need. It's been hard to start saving money but as my cousin says, in 6 months I won't care that today I couldn't get that soda I wanted or even missed a meal.

     I've been moving toward living as Layla full time, using that name at work openly and doing more things little by little. I recently stopped going to the church I've been going to for 18 years and have been looking for a new one. It sucks to not have those friends but I can't live a lie anymore because my 'friends' will be offended or not agree with my life decisions.

     I've been working toward writing a story and I hope to start the actual writing process very soon. It's been i my head for over 10 years and it's well developed but needs to be refined a little more.

     And lastly, I was joking with a friend, we decided as a joke to make our own board game...and then I decided to try to actually make it. It's really fun to come up with ideas and have a blank canvas to work with.

Final thought:
     I'm trying to make the best of what my life is at this point. I don't know how long I can keep pushing but I want to strike while the iron is hot and do the best I can.

Thanks for reading and remember...you're worth it. 

Stress, Stress, Stress

     Stress does NOT feel pretty. I know...OBVIOUS. I'm not trying to bring some deep thought to the forefront of the world. Stress has such a hold on me that I have no idea how to even try to solve that.

When I was younger, the time I was supposed to be learning how to deal with stress and grow mentally and learn what to do in tough situations was spent escaping  a terrible family life and mental abuse to say the least.

Instead of slowly taking on more responsibilities in my teen years, I was watching my close family members self destruct and trying to keep myself out of the line of fire at times. And I also watched my immediate relatives either cut me out of their lives or leave me hanging when I needed them most.

     The good that came from that is I learned a survival instinct that I have since needed and used. The bad thing is I missed out on a good amount of valuable growth in a variety of ways; one specific way affects me every single day and hit me particularly hard today (Saturday May 12th 2018).

Scenario: I was at work and it was busy. Now for most people that's not easy but dealable. For someone who hasn't had much experience learning how to deal with the stress of doing many things at once, it was unbearable. and I failed the day hard. I was on the register and can't even count how many times multiple things were going on at once and I messed up all the things.

From the start of my day, I wasn't ready for anything. My shift leader told me...at EIGHT AM, that the assistant manager wanted to talk to me. For anyone who doesn't have anxiety in their daily life, that is the equivalent of the phrase "We need to talk..." in a relationship.

It's seriously one of the hardest things to hear and go about my day after that. And to make that even worse is my shift lead told me that at 3pm, I needed  to talk to my assistant manager. That means between 8 am and 3pm, I needed to not look like my heart was going to explode from worry about what she wanted to talk to me about.

And to make things even WORSE, at 2:30 I found out my asst manager was gonna be late so I didn't even get to talk to her. I'm still trying to stay calm and I've been out of work for hours now. I have to wait till at least Monday to find out she wants to talk to me about...I may not make it till then. If I have a heart attack, y'all know why. (That's only MOSTLY sarcasm.)

     Okay now that I got that out of my system, I'm going to try to forget about all that for at least a day. On to some more personal thoughts and what's going on in my mind. Warning, this is going to get personal and possibly TMI for some.

Saxon Sharbino is half
 of my spirit animal

Blaire White is the
other half of my spirit animal

One of the most important things to my transition is passing. I know that's superficial or shallow or something but it's true. I want to feel and be pretty, I want to have breasts and a nicer body and be looked at as feminine without looking like a guy in a dress.

And right now, I'm in the not there yet stage which has me impatiently waiting for the hormones I'm taking to do something more than emotionally.

Shmutzies.com

     Other life events: So recently I got in touch with a few family members I haven't seen in a very long time and that was seriously amazing! Two aunts of mine visited me, we went to my favorite diner and then took a walk around a nearby trail park and caught up with each other. My aunt Caren, who makes awesome soap and other great stuff, has been an enormous supporter of my transition and my aunt Beth is such a cool person that I wish I got to know her better years ago. I had a blast with them and am looking forward to being able to say the word family and not having it be a negative thing. 

And a few people have inspired me to try to get a story idea I have had for a long time out of my head and onto paper, so to speak. I'm working on writing a story about a young girl who eavesdrops on some pretty interesting people. I'll share more of that in the future and I'm really excited to work on it. My cousin Ryan, my aunts and a few other close friends have helped inspire me. Thanks.

Last thing:
     Travel is in my future and I could not be more excited for that!! Next year will be a big year for me for a few reasons, I'll be a little bit closer to becoming Layla and will be much mor eopen about that, I'll be seeing some new things and places and working on the book. Get ready.

How To Social

     OH.MY.GOSH. I got a big ol' lesson today in

HOW TO BE BAD AT SOCIALIZING 101

     So here's the story: I have a friend who I haven't seen since my high school days, he was one of the most loyal and real friends I had. As a kid, he could never sit still and as an adult he's exactly the same; he works hard and does what he loves. He's built a great life for himself and I'm super proud of what he has become, knowing where he came from.

With all that said, I am absolutely horrible at being social ESPECIALLY around people I'm not completely comfortable with AM good at being social around people I am comfortable around...oh nonono. I can be just as bad at socializing with great friends as I am with new people or old friends. One thing you can say about me is I'm an equal opportunities antisocial introvert. I'm introverted around ANYONE and EVERYONE.

Back story out of the way, here's the current events:
     I called my old friend (something I'm sure he didn't know was a special act, I HAAAAATE talking on the phone) and asked if he was free; he was. So I went to his house and walked into his back yard, trying to act comfortable somewhere new and uncommon.

He was working on an engine he just bought and had a few friends around, I immediately lost any ability to fake any sense of confidence. I have absolutely nothing to contribute to a conversation when cars are the main topic AND I am absolutely terrible in a new group. The perfect storm for me to become the silent nobody I used to be.

I stood there and tried my hardest to not look like I was the most uncomfortable person in the entire city, trying to think of questions that make me sound like I know anything about cars but after 2 questions I was out of ideas.

I have this habit of going to say something and either being too quiet to be heard or just backing out all together but my hands. mannerisms or gestures don't get that message and I look like I'm doing sign language for an invisible class...not exactly a confidence boost when anyone around sees that and calls me out; I got really lucky and caught myself today but felt really dumb and got even quieter after that.

     So I stood there while my old friend and his friends talked about stuff, just about all of it was stuff I have absolutely nothing I know about or could relate to in any way so I ended up just standing there listening to everyone talk. The only thing that kept me from openly curling up in a ball on the floor was they had 2 dogs I played with as much as they would let me.

After standing there for about a half hour, I tried about 16 times to muster up the courage to say I had  to leave. Finally, my voice came through and everyone was surprised that I made a sound and I said I had to go. Everyone there was very nice but I felt like I was intruding and left as quick as I possibly could. As I was making my way to the train all I could think was, "I DO NOT SOCIAL."

Things like that make me never want to be around humans ever again and the worst part is no one else did anything wrong or  rude or even remotely intimidating; I'm just beyond fragile at anything I don't have full confidence in...great.

     Life update:

-I've been on estradiol for almost 3 months now and I see almost no physical change...bummer. In about 2 weeks I go in for another Dr's appointment and I think I'll be starting testosterone blockers so that should be a game changer. My Dr said that starting estrogen first and then adding testosterone blockers shortly after would develop breast tissue best and benefit me most in my transition, I really really hope so.

-I have had an idea for a book/film for a very long time that I have recently been inspired to retry to create. I've been working on the timeline and figuring out the skeleton of the character's stories; I'm pretty excited to feel motivated to get even some of it from my head to paper. It's fun creating a world and this one is kinda deep.

-I just started a semi diet. I am starting slow by taking out some of the junk food I eat, making a cut off time at night when I can't eat and trying to have smaller portions when I do eat. It's been a week now and I've broken my rules a few times but so far it's been okay. My goal is to lose some of my belly fat.

Yet Another Holiday Rant

     Can I be very very petty and let out some major anger? Okay, since YOU said okay, I will. I know holidays are supposed to be recognized as a great family time and a time of thankfulness and such but I live in a different world. I have friends who all have great families, I respect them and I am happy they have that; I never want them to NOT have that.

     I live in a world where I am constantly reminded what true father is and even moreso what a 'dad' is; I also get a very clear picture of what I never had even for a second.

I try very hard not to be petty but once in a while (usually during holidays) it just hits me extra hard how the sperm donor (as my sister and I refer to the human who aided in creating us)  has messed me up in such a lifelong way.

This human has given me, from a very young age, abandonment issues and self depreciating feelings along with teaching me how to be completely superficial and just plain awful. A verbally abusive, historically physically at times and money minded in the worst way person has rarely done anything outside of throwing his money around to be anything positive in my life and as much as I need money, it's not worth any amount to give him any kind of credit.

And here goes the rabbit hole convo:

     I identify as transgendered, I am currently transitioning from male to identifying as female. And I believe that I was born prone to enjoy feminine things and my brain is wired as a female but let's pretend that thi9ngs like this don't happen and that it was purely environmental for the sake of this conversation. If it is completely environmental, then the biggest thing that affected who I am and how I see myself would be the lack of a father figure in my life.

At a very young age, around 2 or 3 or possibly even younger, it was integral for a boy to have a role model to learn from and mimic and ask questions and be loved by and laugh with and be punished by and so much more; I had none of this. Being frank and unintentionally mean, I had three uncles who were as far from role models as could be; they were all kids who did drugs and lived immature lives.

And before anyone says something, I love all of my uncles and think they all evolved into great people even though not all of them got away from things they needed to. Each one of them taught me something important and I'm not insulting them with any of this at all.

Who I AM insulting is the...let's call it a man, who had sex and created a life only to leave that lifeform (me) to the wolves. I'm insulting that human being.

     Well, I had that on my mind for the last few days and needed to let it out.