The House is Burning Around Me...But I'm Fine...Right??!

     It's ironic how quick things can go from successfully going well...to EVERYTHING IS DYING NOTHING WORKS EVERYTHING IS FAILING AT ALL TIMES AND EVERYONE NEEDS EVERYTHING THAT'S CLEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO OBTAIN RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND!

     Context:

Not too long ago, I was on top of things. I had a little extra money because I was successfully saving a little at a time and had a little bit built up, work was going really well, I had a routine of waking up and eating better than worse, my little anxieties were loosening their hold on my daily life, I had a support system of friends who I saw regularly, I had a solid plan for my future and I had a church that I felt comfortable walking into when the doors were open.

Over a relatively short time:
     - a few friends moved (or are moving), some have taken me out of their life and some have made it clear that I'm not welcome in their future, some have just drifted away from me (intentionally) and some just don't reply anymore.

     - I have this knack for putting myself in the worst situations in the worst times and usually I choose the worst thing to do at those moments. I did that recently when I had a Dr's appointment and ALL I NEEDED TO DO was bring medicine that I have had in my possession for weeks (I was supposed to start this medicine a month ago but needed to get instructions on how to use it and  between suddenly getting a lot of days in a row at work and getting migraines again at almost full force, I haven't been able to start)

     I just needed to bring the medicine with me so the day I finally had the ability and time to go, I got everything ready crazy early and basically made a mental checklist over and over for hours before I had to leave. I got all ready and at the last minute, I realized I forgot my bike lock, since my mode of transportation is my bicycle and I was riding to Center City. I grabbed my lock and spilled ALL the contents of my purse out in the act...of course...and guess what I mistakenly did not pick up. Yeah.

     It took me about an hour and a half to get there in 84 degree heat with no clouds and very high humidity. Almost 2 hours! And when I went in to get the needles I needed for my new medicine, I realized I didn't have THE ONE THING I NEEDED and tried with all my might not to freak out.

     I'll skip over all the minutes of panic that I went through, I had two choices:
A.)  I could leave and take the nearly 2 hour ride back in the heat and risk not having another free day for weeks
B.) Or I could have bought a second dose (I had another dose ready since I waited so long to go there) It was $40.00 and I only had about $50.00 for the week, which includes train tickets I needed and food.

I chose B. I just couldn't leave and not have the medicine for even longer.

     That's just one thing that recently ate any extra money I had and now I'm regularly short on rent or I end up going four or five days in the negative and I have to sneak on the train to get to work. And this has been my life for a while now; longer than I'm comfortable with...and there's no end in sight for this because the more I hit these walls, the more anxiety hits me harder and depression seems to just take over everything.

Oh and I just found out tthe insurance I have was cut off and they're "reviewing my application" meaning I can't get the migraine medicine and anti depressants that have been keeping me from completely crumbling for a little while now.

More Deconstruction: "Dad"

     I have a few things that hurt me to think about, a few things that mess with my head even on my best days. Can you guess what this entry's topic is about? No, not the fall of Rome...that's a topic for another time. The word "Dad" hurts me every time I hear it.

     It all started when I was very young, old enough to use a phone but not very old. I heard the phone ring, picked it up at the same time  as someone else and because I have always been nosey I listened.

I don't remember the exact words but the gist of the conversation was that the man (and I use that term loosely) who was supposed to be a "dad" to me said he didn't want to take me on a trip or something, he said he never wanted me at all in the first place.

I knew that sucked hearing but didn't fully understand what I had heard. Over the next few years, I grew curious and made sure to pay attention to things he said or did when I was around and it made sense later that he never wanted me to be his, he never wanted to be my "dad"

Which was a good thing for him because he never was that, at all.

     Skipping ahead to a big day trip. A trip to Collingswood, NJ where there was a fair along Cooper River. Live music, games and lots of people having a good time. Same...let's call him a man...he picked me up and brought me to the fair. We walked around for a while, it was him, his wife and me.

I was not exactly a fan of his but like most kids, I didn't express my full feelings really ever. We walked around for a while together and at one point told me I could go off on my own, we were in a relatively small area and I wasn't dumb enough to go away with anyone else or anything like that. I have always been a wanderer so I went and checked out some tents they had and talked to random people and tried to just have fun. We set up a time to meet up and a certain place, that was my only stipulation from him.

So I'm having fun and walking around and I saw that it was nearly time to meet at that certain place.

Now one thing my friends and employers 

know about me is I am obsessively early 

whenever I have to be somewhere. 

Every Flyers game I go to or day I have to work, I'm just about 

always so early it's kinda silly.

So it's just about time to meet up and I get to the spot...and I wait.
                                 
                                           ...and I wait...


                                                                       ...and I keep waiting...

     So the meeting time was 1pm and I'm waiting so long that I started to see the sun going down. And after about another hour, the fair starts packing up. And I'm still standing there waiting, as instructed. This was before cell phones so it's not like I could have just sent a text or made a call to him.

At sometime after 10pm, a person came up to me and asked if I needed help. I told him my situation and he led me to a police officer who got me in touch with the man who was supposed to be a protector to me. The man who told me to meet him at a certain tent at the fair at 1pm, the man who was home laying in bed. This was the man who invited me...and forgot me.

He forgot me. I was maybe 14 or 15 and he just left me there. Oh by the way, he lived about 45 minutes away in Bensalem, PA.

     This is what most represents the word "Dad" to me throughout my life. I have been trying to learn to be happy for people with good dads and for friends who ARE good dads, and I truly am happy for them.

I never want anyone to go through the crap I went through so if I can encourage people to do one thing, it's to be a good parent or relative or friend to those around you. You can create a dictionary of words that make someone feel good and happy instead of what I'm going through constantly, you could make someone hear a word and smile.

And that is an amazing thing.

Giving

     I have had giving on my mind for a while now and I want to talk about what it means to me.

When I think of the word "giving" I think about all the times I needed money and had to ask someone (Mom G, Jakie, Glenn, Nate, Josh and Mike, you are all the man...among many other amazing friends) or the rare times I was able to help and give someone money. And it's true that money is usually what people need the most or want more than anything else as a society.

But there is so much more to giving that is so so important, even when giving money itself. There are so many times when the money isn't what you're actually giving, like hope or something good happening that means more than the actual cash switching hands.
I can't tell you how many times I've been given money from friends that helped and was necessary but their positivity was so much more needed.

Hope is something that can come with giving because we (society) often get beat down by life and by work and by fear and by ourselves and by bosses and by...etc; hope kinda feels so far away and sometimes faith in humanity can be restored even a little just by being able to part with a few bucks. And I think the fact that we put so much mental stock in money makes giving feel so much more hopeful too.

Ok, you get what I think about the monetary part of giving so let's talk about giving in other ways or areas:


     Time. Time is a huge thing. Giving your time to someone is such an intangible good that I think it's way more valuable than money most of the time. I have friends who have have let me vent to them or have taken time to sit and talk with me or give advice when needed and the time they gave was just the perfect gift to me. I hope anyone reading this who has given me their time knows how much it has meant to me. I try to pay it forward and if I can, give back to those who gave to me.

     Advice. Good advice is something that is invaluable when given and it's one of the odd things where accepting it is a big part of the gift. And of course advice is given out so many times when not asked for that all advice is accepted with a grain of salt at least at first. Good advice is a treasure and those times when we have no idea what to do and all seems lost is when it's beyond priceless.

Recently, I was in a mood and anxiety induced situation where I just stood there and had no idea what to do, I felt like I couldn't remember when to breathe because I just was in shock and talking to a friend who is currently away but gave me a call, that really helped me not fall off the edge. She gave me some great advice and her time, I couldn't thank her enough for those gifts.

     I also want to add in here giving someone knowledge of God is a huge thing, It's changed my life in such a giant way that Nate invited me to his church. Even though I struggle with my relationship with God and even though I'm going through some very tough things right now, God has been a huge addition to my life and He changed things from grim at best to at least being able to see possible hope in my future.


     I know I've been a taker and in need of giving a lot more than giving in my life but one of my goals in life, one of the few motivation factors for me, is wanting to be able to give and help others. My hope is that there is a day when I can see a person in a position I've been in and do something to give them hope or show them something positive, pay it forward (to put it in a popular phrase)

Help

       For many of us in society, opening up about needing help is not only hard to do but it's not even an option. We always feel like it's a shame upon our names to say, "I am not okay and I need help." Like it's a sign of immaturity to not be able to handle some of the very scary or impenetrable obstacles we face in life. 

Phrases like "Man up" or "Pull yourself up by the boot straps" are thrown around in a way that says you're wrong if you can't do it all yourself. It's seen as a weakness if someone can't take care of everything thrown at them and they're looked down on or in some cases, they feel like that's happening even if it's not.

     I recently had to be told that I need to reach out for help and while I know I need help, I get caught up in thinking, "If I ask for help, I'm gonna be an even bigger loser than I already am." Which is a part of why I need the help I need. 

     I don't say this because I ever lie on here but to express that I'm about to be more blunt about something, can I be real for a moment? Okay I will, thanks.

I have suicidal thoughts and sometimes feel like everyone would be better off if I wasn't around. I also get so overwhelmed by work or things I have to do or by the fact that I am so far behind in life or by migraines (which lately I've been getting almost daily) or by the fact that I am a slow learner or by the fact that sometimes I can't do simple things because of anxiety. All of these thoughts and more have attacked me very hard in the past and even as recent as today (Monday September 25th 2017 in case you're reading this in the future). I also have trouble believing God is on my side (I believe and have seen the effects of God in most of my friends' lives so it's not like He doesn't exist)

     I'm saying all this because I want to be open with my vulnerabilities and say openly that I need help, I don't think for a second that I am too good to ask for help. I need prayers, I need companionship, I need dinner sometimes, I need to be told I'm wrong sometimes, I need to be right sometimes, I need confidence, I need love, I need...etc.

We often guard ourselves so much, we try so hard to hide the vulnerable spots in our lives and souls but what does that really do? What does it help to act like we're great when we truly need to be fed or loved or...we just need help? I have learned to shed some of that culture and let my vulnerable heart be known but I still sometimes need to be told it's okay to seek help. 

     Let's all try to be honest more than we try to look like we're doing better than we are.