July 20th 2018 A memory and Some Stray Thoughts

     So I have a few fond memories that have been running around in my mind and a few other thoughts to share. Hopefully future me understands the mess of words I make here.

I'll start with the memory:

     Last night, I watched the Lion King on my wall with my projector. It started out where I just found all the movies on my hard drive and put them on random; Lion King was the first up and as it started, it quickly became apparent that this movie needs to be watched in giant fashion. Once up on the wall, it brought back the memory of the first time I ever saw that movie.

     My biological father (boy, I just LOVE bringing that barely-human up) saw that I had made some money and announced in front of my sister that I would pay for her to see the new Disney movie that she was dying to see. At that moment, I wanted to stare him to death like Lily did in How I Met Your
Mother. My little sister was absolutely unstoppably happy at that thought and before I could even finish being manipulated we we at the movie theater...in line for tickets...being paid for by me...NOT by my choice.

     We went in and I was so angry but I tried my best to seem OK for my sister, I really did like it when we got along so I went in and we started watching it. In the dark, I was sitting there pouting as Jonathan Taylor Thomas made fun of Mr. Bean and then Simba sang about being king some day...you know the movie.

     So the scene where Scar tells Simba to run because he just killed his dad, (that's who I saw as my biological father then and now. An evil, cowardly creep who refuses to do anything even slightly honorable) that got me hooked and I saw little sister really loving being there.

     I really loved being able to share the moment of her seeing that movie for the first time with her. By the end, neither of our eyes were dry and we both loved it. Last night I re-lived watching it on a big screen and it  was kinda like watching it for the first time again in a way.

     Life update: July 20th 2018

I've been doing A LOT better in the department of depression and suicidal thoughts for months now.
I haven't had a single thought about death in long enough that I can't remember the actual last time. I don't have a frame of reference to go back to in my entire life to remember when I was at this point. Ever.

     I have learned not to treat anything like it has no power even when it's stronghold on my mind seems to release a little, that's when it seems to come back strong. I'm not going to treat this like a victory but I am going to try to take more steps and do things that depression held me from. I'm not fully sure I know what that is but I can think of a few things that I've mentally held myself back from. My hope is that I read this in the future and see this as at least one turning point toward better things.

          I truly must give thanks to God for where my life is going and the ability to not give up before. It wasn't my steength or faith in me that got me this far. I secondly give thanks and respect to the friends, both online and in person, that have helped me get to a point where I cansmile a real smile. I'm not a finished product but this is a great place to actually work from as opposed to where I could be right now.

Thanks for staying with me this far and I promise it'll be worth your time by the end.

Giving

     I have had giving on my mind for a while now and I want to talk about what it means to me.

When I think of the word "giving" I think about all the times I needed money and had to ask someone (Mom G, Jakie, Glenn, Nate, Josh and Mike, you are all the man...among many other amazing friends) or the rare times I was able to help and give someone money. And it's true that money is usually what people need the most or want more than anything else as a society.

But there is so much more to giving that is so so important, even when giving money itself. There are so many times when the money isn't what you're actually giving, like hope or something good happening that means more than the actual cash switching hands.
I can't tell you how many times I've been given money from friends that helped and was necessary but their positivity was so much more needed.

Hope is something that can come with giving because we (society) often get beat down by life and by work and by fear and by ourselves and by bosses and by...etc; hope kinda feels so far away and sometimes faith in humanity can be restored even a little just by being able to part with a few bucks. And I think the fact that we put so much mental stock in money makes giving feel so much more hopeful too.

Ok, you get what I think about the monetary part of giving so let's talk about giving in other ways or areas:


     Time. Time is a huge thing. Giving your time to someone is such an intangible good that I think it's way more valuable than money most of the time. I have friends who have have let me vent to them or have taken time to sit and talk with me or give advice when needed and the time they gave was just the perfect gift to me. I hope anyone reading this who has given me their time knows how much it has meant to me. I try to pay it forward and if I can, give back to those who gave to me.

     Advice. Good advice is something that is invaluable when given and it's one of the odd things where accepting it is a big part of the gift. And of course advice is given out so many times when not asked for that all advice is accepted with a grain of salt at least at first. Good advice is a treasure and those times when we have no idea what to do and all seems lost is when it's beyond priceless.

Recently, I was in a mood and anxiety induced situation where I just stood there and had no idea what to do, I felt like I couldn't remember when to breathe because I just was in shock and talking to a friend who is currently away but gave me a call, that really helped me not fall off the edge. She gave me some great advice and her time, I couldn't thank her enough for those gifts.

     I also want to add in here giving someone knowledge of God is a huge thing, It's changed my life in such a giant way that Nate invited me to his church. Even though I struggle with my relationship with God and even though I'm going through some very tough things right now, God has been a huge addition to my life and He changed things from grim at best to at least being able to see possible hope in my future.


     I know I've been a taker and in need of giving a lot more than giving in my life but one of my goals in life, one of the few motivation factors for me, is wanting to be able to give and help others. My hope is that there is a day when I can see a person in a position I've been in and do something to give them hope or show them something positive, pay it forward (to put it in a popular phrase)