Everything I did was wrong

 

   I'm laying here in bed, thinking about the past year. Every step of the way I wanted to do right and  be a help and make the world better for my friends, especially one family...but I did the exact opposite. I hurt them and made them worse. 

I pushed myself into their personal lives and came between them and said things that hurt their feelings without realizing it. The whole time I've been telling them over and over that I want to help families stay together, be stronger and be the family they're trying to be. That's been the most important thing to me.

And while nothing inappropriate was ever talked about or happened anywhere, I took up to much of the wife's time, I said things that their daughter (a cancer warrior who is one of the greatest people I've ever met) heard and was hurt by and I tried to inject myself into their lives overall in a way that I never would have.

   I've spent the last maybe 15 hours punishing myself, I thought over and over about what it means to call myself an advocate and what it means to 'fight' for families. I don't deserve to use those terms referring to myself. I broke bonds that may never be healed ever again, not only possibly with them but in me. 

I opened up and trusted them, I allowed myself to connect with them on an emotional level and be completely honest, I accepted fully that maybe they were 'like family' when I wasn't, I'm not and I don't deserve to be.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to open up with anyone ever again, it took me decades to find someone I thought of as a sister, someone I felt like I could talk to about anything and actually feel comfortable with. I treated their kids like my own family, that's sweet to care so much but it was not my place. I'm not one of them and i have no faith that I'll ever have a place I fit in or belong.

Make no mistake, my sadness and regret isn't for myself. I hurt a family of superheroes. They are the victims and they deserve all the respect, focus and live. I deserve nothing. And I have to live with this for the rest of my days, knowing that my actions nearly destroyed one of the greatest families I've ever known.

Where do I go from here? Honestly I feel like slowly disappearing from their entire community until they all completely forget about me and ending myself, when my life (or lack thereof) wouldn't hit close to home with them. But I also feel like the punishment for my actions deserves to be living with this, knowing I intentionally almost broke a family that is going to change the entire world. Knowing I lost the greatest people as friends and feeling that burn my soul from the inside out as I sit alone and watch it from afar.

No matter what happens to me from here on, I have to and will live with the fact that I knew superheroes and I never get to have the bond with them that I wished I had. 

In case by any chance they're reading this, everything is dedicated to the S family. I am so so sorry. Those words aren't nearly enough but I need to say them. I will never ever put you or any other family in this kind of situation ever again. I don't know what my promise is worth so I won't use that, I'll just do my best to repay this to the entire world, I'll never ever stop supporting you all or caring about your family...even if it's from a distance, and with no communication. I'm sorry.

Dear Uncle Mike

     Dear Uncle Mike,

                             Hi, It's been a while...I really really wish you were here. So much has happened since the last time we talked, some stuff I'm sure you wouldn't have an easy time with but I know you'd still be here for me. You were one of very few never to have walked away from me or gotten rid of me. Wish I could say thank you for that...among so much I wish I could tell you.

     Uncle Mike...I you were here I'd tell you that I am working on finding a way to accept myself and I'm fighting suicide very very hard. I'd tell you that I'm still here and that I love you so much, I'd tell you that every single day I think about you. It's been 6 years since the last time I heard your voice live, since I saw you and you're still one of the most important people in my life.

Every time something happens in my life, good or bad, my first reaction is STILL to pick up my phone and o to call you. I don't know that I'll ever lose that instinct. I'd love to say I only cherish the times I had with you but I'd be lying. I'm way too selfish and I want so badly to have more time with you. I want to get one  more call from you or hug you one more time or hear you laugh one more time. And if I got one of those, I'd want one more. You were so big in my world for so long, it's still hard to realize you're not here every morning.

     Okay, time to kinda update you on everything since 2012...here it goes:
So Ry and I have been hanging out a lot, it's been really great to have a friend like him. He's probably the only other person who has been close to you to me, he makes me not hate the word family. I keep up with Britt as much as I can too. I've gotten to do a lot of really cool things over the last 6 years; FINALLY got my passport and I'm gonna start using it soon. Met some famous people, actors and hockey players, just about every one has been awesome. I even got to meet a few actors who were on Cheers. Uncle George would have loved to hear that.

I've also learned a lot about what's really important in life, I've been trying to make experiences and people way more important than money and objects...you taught me that money comes and goes, I hold that close to my heart as I try to be a good person to people more than I try to be a business person or let the love of money enter my heart.  I've gotten a bunch of times to spend with Pop and some other people I'm related to, that has been really cool. I've been drawing, taking pictures a lot over the last few years and making videos. I wish I could show you some of my better stuff. You'd like them.

     So I know you'd have a tough time with this but I am doing something I've needed to do for a long time, I'm opening up about being me and I've truly been happy since being honest about being trans. I know it would be hard for you to understand but I also know you'd try to understand and even if you never did get it, you'd still love me. I wish I could tell you the story from the beginning and explain how much better I am now than I was before. I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you a long time ago, I think if I was things might have been different...somehow...I'm not quite sure how much different or in what way. Either way I wish you could see me now and see that I'm trying to be happy, like for real happy.

     Well, I could write a novel about how much I miss you but it still wouldn't fully explain pinpoint everything...guess I'll stop now.

Some MORE Positivity to Focus on (Monday August 27th 2018)

     So one of the biggest things that has changed due to my transition internally is my introvertistic side has diminished vastly. That is the equivalent of erasing a few years of turning into an introvert by beating myself up in my own head, which can be a game changer in my life.

Past:
     I used to be an outgoing, openly friendly person. I used to be someone who had the potential to be the "life of the party" type of person, with little fear of embarrassment or worry of feeling awkward. When I was very young, I had some normal attributes and one was that I was happy-go-lucky or innocently extroverted...at least at some point for a little while.

     Slowly, my inability to be honest about myself to anyone forced me into my own head and caused some introverted issues. I built barriers between myself and any other humans (my pets and friends' pets knew everything) and with every awkward encounter or every hidden desire to do /be something I wasn't, those barriers got worse and worse. Depression, suicidal thoughts and so much fear started to take over my regular life and kinda quick too; much like a snowball rolling down a hill.

Present:
     I recently did something that took much (for lack of a better word) courage and it surprised even me. I went to my cousin's house and spent a few days with him and his family without being too afraid to be around them.

For the last decade plus, the thought of going somewhere I've never been before and doing something like playing a dancing game in front of people would have made me want to crawl into a hole and die before doing that. But because I've spent a few years now cleaning out the deep dark hidden pain of pretending to be this thing I'm not, I've been able to enjoy things like friends and just having fun.



Future:
     So I have been thinking about where I want to be in the future...and I still don't have a full answer yet. I know I want to be a positive force in this universe a positive force in a greater way than I was in the past. (I'm not completely sure what that means, it's mostly a feeling I have been having lately. I'll explain more when I understand better)

I know I want to identify as female, as Layla Lee Gilmore and eventually get to the point where people don't see me as "a trans person" or as VJ who's trying to convince people he's a chick; my hope is that people see that I am truly able to blossom going in the direction that I'm going now as opposed to where I have been for many many years. I know I want to be a patient person with even those who completely disagree with my choice to transition; I want to be someone who helps bring people together who normally wouldn't give each other a chance. Like a go-between for people who are dead set against the transgender movement and trans people like myself or supporters.

I have no idea what this will look like or where these thoughts will bring me, perhaps I'll work in retail and write blogs/make YouTube videos and only reach a tiny group of people. I don't know but I'm gonna try to figure it out as I go and hopefully I won't screw much up long the way.

     Either way, the future is going to come no matter what and I want to see what it brings.

August 1st 2018 My Story About My Gender

     I want to talk about what I think is going on with me in the area of my gender. I am making a disclaimer first though:

     This is ONLY and SPECIFICALLY about me I do not believe or endorse the thought that there's only one reason anyone could end up choosing to transition or call themselves transgender. And while I openly admit I don't believe everyone who calls themselves trans is, I do fully support the freedom of people to do what they want as consenting humans and based on my personal experience I know there are people who can lead a more peaceful life once starting their transition. None of this is meant to insult or make anyone else's situation seem like less important in any way... We're all in this world together. This is my story.

     So my basic unexpanded story is: when I was a little kid I felt wrong, out of place and I constantly made a fool of myself whenever I said I liked the things that I liked. If I told a friend I liked the color
pink or wanted to learn fashion rather than play with GI Joe's it was as if i had committed full treason. And any time I even attempted to do anything feminine as a kid, any parental units in charge of me
would immediately do whatever it took to keep me away from whatever it was I did.

Instead of ever trying to deal with it, it became a hush hush thing, swept under the rug and never talked about it acknowledged in any way. Ignore it till it isn't real anymore.

     I believe I was born deficient or deformed in a way and that was not created or taught to me in any way. I wasn't sexually abused and I do not believe it was a 'mistake by God' I believe just like many other things that happen, this has a purpose and wasn't a coincidence. God made me strong enough to last through all the terrible stuff I've made it through (and let me stress that it was NOT me that made it through anything, I wanted to give up every step of the way) I was brought through things like  being left by family and being ignored and made fun of and hurt by even my closest friends.All of that had a purpose, it made me able to handle something big.

     The second part is the effects of things that have happened to me. I mentioned that parental units tried to keep me from anything feminine that I ever even looked at. Looking back, it was almost stereotypical, a little boy plays with his sister = fine. He plays with his sister's Barbie's even 2 seconds after she walks away = the end of the world.

     Just one example of many of course but those kinds of things made me feel like I was the worst thing on earth for liking the things I liked and wanting to be in any way feminine and it in turn opened my eyes to what was feminine and 'not allowed' and what was male and what was 'appropraite for me'

Growing up with that absolutely instilled in me the need to protect my true self and hide who I really am. (Side note, I had serious thoughts that I was a psychopath or the same as people like Ted Bundy because I got so good at hiding who I truly was that I started to not feel . I later understood that being scared of that thought and having a working conscience was a big factor in me NOT being the same as Jeffrey Dahmer-like psychopaths)

So...years later, multiple suicide attempts, many depressive episodes,loss of friends and abandonment of some family members, awkwardness in public many times, certain friends and family sticking with me,doctor's visits, beginning to see what's it's like to not have that weight of hiding at all times, learning at least a few friends who I can be comfortable being myself around, releasing some of the deep pain I've carried around since I was little, being open more and more till it's not a secret in any way and starting laser removal treatments...that's all it took to get where I am now. Basically.

...but that's all.

     

     So this is my story, I have plans to make this the beginning of a great one and I want to hear your story. Doesn't have to be about gender or anything traumatic. I'm all for hearing what some consider mundane or drama free or wild and crazy or not great or great. Please reach out if you feel suicidal or you're going through depression, you're worth so much more than ending that way and you deserve something special. Let me hear your story

July 20th 2018 A memory and Some Stray Thoughts

     So I have a few fond memories that have been running around in my mind and a few other thoughts to share. Hopefully future me understands the mess of words I make here.

I'll start with the memory:

     Last night, I watched the Lion King on my wall with my projector. It started out where I just found all the movies on my hard drive and put them on random; Lion King was the first up and as it started, it quickly became apparent that this movie needs to be watched in giant fashion. Once up on the wall, it brought back the memory of the first time I ever saw that movie.

     My biological father (boy, I just LOVE bringing that barely-human up) saw that I had made some money and announced in front of my sister that I would pay for her to see the new Disney movie that she was dying to see. At that moment, I wanted to stare him to death like Lily did in How I Met Your
Mother. My little sister was absolutely unstoppably happy at that thought and before I could even finish being manipulated we we at the movie theater...in line for tickets...being paid for by me...NOT by my choice.

     We went in and I was so angry but I tried my best to seem OK for my sister, I really did like it when we got along so I went in and we started watching it. In the dark, I was sitting there pouting as Jonathan Taylor Thomas made fun of Mr. Bean and then Simba sang about being king some day...you know the movie.

     So the scene where Scar tells Simba to run because he just killed his dad, (that's who I saw as my biological father then and now. An evil, cowardly creep who refuses to do anything even slightly honorable) that got me hooked and I saw little sister really loving being there.

     I really loved being able to share the moment of her seeing that movie for the first time with her. By the end, neither of our eyes were dry and we both loved it. Last night I re-lived watching it on a big screen and it  was kinda like watching it for the first time again in a way.

     Life update: July 20th 2018

I've been doing A LOT better in the department of depression and suicidal thoughts for months now.
I haven't had a single thought about death in long enough that I can't remember the actual last time. I don't have a frame of reference to go back to in my entire life to remember when I was at this point. Ever.

     I have learned not to treat anything like it has no power even when it's stronghold on my mind seems to release a little, that's when it seems to come back strong. I'm not going to treat this like a victory but I am going to try to take more steps and do things that depression held me from. I'm not fully sure I know what that is but I can think of a few things that I've mentally held myself back from. My hope is that I read this in the future and see this as at least one turning point toward better things.

          I truly must give thanks to God for where my life is going and the ability to not give up before. It wasn't my steength or faith in me that got me this far. I secondly give thanks and respect to the friends, both online and in person, that have helped me get to a point where I cansmile a real smile. I'm not a finished product but this is a great place to actually work from as opposed to where I could be right now.

Thanks for staying with me this far and I promise it'll be worth your time by the end.

Yet Another Holiday Rant

     Can I be very very petty and let out some major anger? Okay, since YOU said okay, I will. I know holidays are supposed to be recognized as a great family time and a time of thankfulness and such but I live in a different world. I have friends who all have great families, I respect them and I am happy they have that; I never want them to NOT have that.

     I live in a world where I am constantly reminded what true father is and even moreso what a 'dad' is; I also get a very clear picture of what I never had even for a second.

I try very hard not to be petty but once in a while (usually during holidays) it just hits me extra hard how the sperm donor (as my sister and I refer to the human who aided in creating us)  has messed me up in such a lifelong way.

This human has given me, from a very young age, abandonment issues and self depreciating feelings along with teaching me how to be completely superficial and just plain awful. A verbally abusive, historically physically at times and money minded in the worst way person has rarely done anything outside of throwing his money around to be anything positive in my life and as much as I need money, it's not worth any amount to give him any kind of credit.

And here goes the rabbit hole convo:

     I identify as transgendered, I am currently transitioning from male to identifying as female. And I believe that I was born prone to enjoy feminine things and my brain is wired as a female but let's pretend that thi9ngs like this don't happen and that it was purely environmental for the sake of this conversation. If it is completely environmental, then the biggest thing that affected who I am and how I see myself would be the lack of a father figure in my life.

At a very young age, around 2 or 3 or possibly even younger, it was integral for a boy to have a role model to learn from and mimic and ask questions and be loved by and laugh with and be punished by and so much more; I had none of this. Being frank and unintentionally mean, I had three uncles who were as far from role models as could be; they were all kids who did drugs and lived immature lives.

And before anyone says something, I love all of my uncles and think they all evolved into great people even though not all of them got away from things they needed to. Each one of them taught me something important and I'm not insulting them with any of this at all.

Who I AM insulting is the...let's call it a man, who had sex and created a life only to leave that lifeform (me) to the wolves. I'm insulting that human being.

     Well, I had that on my mind for the last few days and needed to let it out.

Anxiety, Birthdays and Positivie Thinking

     Hello, again. Thank you for visiting this blog, I will be your tour guide through the mind of Layla Lee Gilmore. Please hold any questions for the comments section and we must insist, no eating while in her brain. Crumbs may affect brain cells. Thank you and enjoy the ride.

     Alright so I'm gonna jump right in, I've been dealing with anxiety at very high levels lately. Very. High. It's becoming very hard to keep my emotions under control and mainly in certain areas mentally. I've been able to handle things like being patient with people who are not accepting of my transition or when it comes to waiting for the train to come but when it comes to things like me wanting to perform a certain act and unable to do it in the time I need to. or if I have to leave work and my coworker is late, those situations have become so much worse emotionally.

     I'll give you an example of something that has really been draining emotionally for me:
I was at work, I'm a cashier, and a person I used to know came in. Now the last time I saw this person, I was being yelled at threatened and had to call the police to assess the situation; said person came in and got what they needed to get.

In my mind, I went through a thousand different scenarios of what was going to happen when they got in line.The person was polite and said hello, which I wasn't expecting, then I did my job and was polite back. This whole thing took about 9 minutes from the moment they walked in till the moment they left and afterward I felt like I had run a marathon.

     My emotions in that situation (or non situation) just blew me away at how my overthinking and over...fearing, I guess you could call it were so  encompassing that I physically felt drained. Not exactly like the same as running a marathon but draining nonetheless. I've hit a few situations like this that have drained me more lately than in a long while.

Michael Patrick Bossler

     And now for birthdays...oh birthday, how you never want to leave me alone. I am not a fan of my birthday and I don;rt know how to deal with it or come to terms with it. To explain that, my uncle Mike never missed my birthday, not when I had nowhere to live or when I was at my biological father's or when I was at Bible college. No matter what was going on he called me or visited and I counted on that, he was the only reason so many times that I even cared about celebrating my birthday.

All that ended in November of 2012, he took his life and with it he took a giant piece of my heart. The last serious attempt to take my own life was the birthday after that and I created a short film depicting that night
(trigger warning: suicidal issues confronted in this video)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQfpNVVl7gE

     Anyway, ever since November of 2012, I hurt the most during my recognized day of birth and it seems to be harder each year. I remember a time when I had been sleeping in a baseball field in Camden for a few weeks, things were really bad and I barely had any food to eat throughout that whole and on my bd, he got in touch with me and sent me some money. It wasn't about the money that made me feel so much better, it was that he cared enough to find me and he wanted to help.

And on my bd in 2013, my friends tried to do something nice and people tried to say something on facebook and that was very nice but I needed to hear from the only person who has ever made the word 'family' not feel horrible...the only person I couldn't hear from.

   To this day, it hurts to go through that day every year and I don't even know how to pretend to be okay on that day. I guess that's one of my dark days. My uncle's passing anniversary is another and his birthday is although I'm trying to make that a good one. So if you know me and want to do something for my bd, here's steps to actually be positive:

1. Do not leave a comment about  the day I was born on my birth anniversary. You can feel good about yourself while hurting me at the same time or you could just not.

2. Pick a random day in the summer and do something nice like draw me a picture or buy me a piece of cake but don't say why. The summer is a long and at times grueling season for me and I'm sure I'll forget I wrote this by then so I won't be affected in this way if you do something nice for me. DO NOT SAY HAPPY B******Y TO ME THOUGH.

3. I love chocolate chip cookies or strawberry flavored cake...or limes if you want to be a little healthier. Also I don't want to sound like I expect or deserve things that take your money, seriously the most meaningful things I own and hold onto are things that took way more thought than money. I have a friend who made me a poster by gluing crayons to a canvas and used a blow dryer to melt them in a rainbow. I will never choose to get rid of that ever. It took thought to make something for me and that is more valuable than anything she could have  bought me.

     And finally, I have been trying a lot more to be positive in my thinking. I've been working on being grateful for specifically small and daily things that I have made a habit of ignoring because my life sucks.

Every morning I've been reminding myself of the good things that happen to me and I've been praying thankful prayers for those things and for the people in my life that mean something to me. Doing this has had a small but noticeable affect on my moods at times and I hope to make this more of a routine than I ever did before. I've put a lot of negativity on God and whether I'm right or wrong, I am trying to take all of that off Him and just focus on the thankfulness I should have. I want positivity to be a stronger force than depression

Thank you for reading and make sure you please deposit any trash in the waste basket that on your way out. Hope you enjoyed the tour

A Letter to a 'Man' Who Will Never Be Forgotten *warning, some language*

          Dear Dave,

   You might remember me, you donated sperm that helped me to be born at one point. You might remember me, you showed me how NOT to treat women. You might remember me, you taught me every single thing about what dads do that you never did. You might remember me, I was the one you rejected multiple times even as a small child and sometimes directly to me. You might remember me, I was the one that you deemed not good enough because of things like money isn't the most important thing to me and I wasn't driven to "succeed" the way you think is success.

   I remember being a kid, caring about you, thinking good things about you and actually wanting to see you...but...I also remember over-hearing you tell someone you never wanted me, I also remember you walking away even after I forgave you and opened myself up and made myself vulnerable for you. I also remember sitting in your car, after seeing your thousands of dollars in brand new work out equipment and hearing you tell me how poor you are and how you couldn't possibly help me not be homeless. I also remember learning that you beat your ex-wife and I remember seeing the path of devastation in the wake of some of the people you used and hurt and left without caring for even a second. I even chose to ignore all those things for a time, I knew what you said but I tried so hard to think, "I can make it different if I just forgive him and I'll be the one to let this go and move on from here."

   I used to want to forgive you even after what you put me through as a kid. You left me behind so many times and I gave you one last chance, one time where I tried to heal our broken relationship and salvage at least some kind of connection and you took that and you threw it away. You figuratively spit in my face as I made myself vulnerable to you then you told me "Fuck your shitty worthless garbage self" before burning the little bit of care I had for you. And I just stood there and took it, I felt it whether I wanted to or not. I tried to not feel it, I tried to put up a shield around myself against you and block any stupid thing you said or did to me. Mainly because I knew you would hurt me and I knew you didn't care about me and secondly because I refused to let people in my world but you broke through that...scratch that, I let you in for a second and you made me regret that hardcore.

   For years I thought about what I wanted to say to you if I ever saw you again, I wanted to curse you out or tell you all the things that are messed up in me irreversibly solely and completely because of YOU. I wanted to hurt you, to watch you bleed and be in pain. I wanted to do some of the most vicious  things I could imagine to you and even to those around you just to see if that would hurt you. I wanted to kill your pet and leave the body on your doorstep, I wanted to spray paint things on your house and make you have to pay to clean it (since I know money is the only thing you care about), I wanted to kill you. I wanted to become an actual murderer because of you.

   The fact is I am glad I never did any of that, all of who I am (absolutely no thanks to you in any way) is against hatred, violence and hurting people. It's taken me many many years to say this: Even you. I work a regular job and on a daily basis, I try to help people who are poor or angry or sad and I make very little money because people are important to me, making someone's life better in some small way is a world better than being what you consider successful. And doing any of the things I imagined doing to you would make me something I'm not and of all the people that deserve to change me or cause me to be different, you get none of that.

   I will never do anything to harm you or even wish physical harm to you. I may even pray for you in time but I do hope you think about what you have done to so many people, I hope you close your eyes and see my face and the other people you helped give life to and I hope somewhere in your black cold heart, you feel it.

    I still hate you, I still have times when rage takes over when I think about what you have done to me, despite being in my life so little and how much you've ruined my life...It's actually a little impressive how much damage you caused. There are things I will most likely never be fixed in my because you were the worst scum you or anyone could possibly be to me. And that is something I'll never be able to forget, no matter how hard I try.

                                             Sincerely,
                                                     me

The Suicide Journal 1: Selfishness

     Suicide, the nastiest of words when depression is mentioned. It's the end of the line for "calls for help" and people lately have been more talking about it.

     I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts and pressure for as long as I can remember, I'm going to outline and share some of my life leading up to this moment. At a very young age, I can remember realizing that it was possible to opt to end life rather than continue suffering. At about 8 years old I remember one day when I was sent to my biological father's room while my mother and he argued. Now at the time all I thought about was that I could watch the movie that I was told I wasn't allowed to watch, THEM.

I started being sneaky and enjoying my movie when I heard yelling, it was normal at first as I've heard parents fighting many times. I remember turning the tv up in disgust and eventually started doing the opposite and listening to the fight, like the stereotypical little kid sitting at the top of the stairs paying full attention to his parents fight

     I was entertained in a morbid way for a while but it turned so negative when someone threw something or broke something. That scared me straight out of my seat and I ran back to his room. I remember being in there, panicking and pacing around the room, thinking what if one hurts the other or what if they leave me there alone or the police show up...etc.

In my fear and panic and anger, I started trying to think of a way out (at the time I had no idea what that meant, I wasn't thinking about dying exactly, I just didn't want to be there right at that moment) then I heard the yelling and breaking get louder and I looked at the window of my biological father's room and decided to jump out. I thought it would stop the fight or I'd get away from it; either way it was a way out of that moment.

     Looking back, I was deciding to die rather than finishing that night out. That was the first time death had become an option in my mind, subconsciously, and it still is one of the most prominent memories I have defining my childhood and my blood parents in my life. So there's my introduction to suicide before I even knew what it was or the actual impact it had on my psyche even now.

     Later in life, I had moved around many times and had to deal with finding out my biological father didn't want me and finding out he had other kids he had eliminated form his life and my mom had come to a point where she chose her boyfriend over me. I moved in with my Uncle and a new phase in my life begun, starting a whole wild and deeply scarring tragic section of my life.

     My teen years, my high school years and the beginning of my romantic life all SUCKED. I mean the worst things that could have happened did exactly that. High school was as bad as it could have been between being invisible to the people that mattered to me and being made fun of by the people who mattered to the people that mattered to me and the fact that I was painfully shy and introverted in most situations, I couldn't win for winning. Looking back at my Riverside High school time, I an't think of one minute I was happy to be there or even okay with myself in any way.

The only romances I experienced were: a girl I had a crush on for years and never got the courage to even tell her (which was the right choice, Kelly never would have been interested in me) and the girl I eventually dated, which was because she was the only girl that would date me. We were absolutely not right for each other and ended one night when she threatened to kill herself because of me, a lie to try to manipulate me. So...there's my high school years as a student and boy.

     Now as a family member through that same time it was a scary time to be human. My Uncle was barely around, which later showed me he was addicted to drugs. My grandmother was constantly drunk and abusive, which had been forced into the motherly role in her 60's and then the random other family members who came to stay at my Uncle's house when they had nowhere to go. And since it was easier to pretend they all didn't exist, I escaped into hockey and didn't do anything else.

     Skip ahead a few years later, I had just gotten into church and was trying again in life. It was a very late start but it was huge that I was actually trying. So I went tot a snow camp with my church, on the way back I experienced the most emotional  and sweet time I've ever known in my short time on earth. We get back and I helped my friends get their stuff from the bus and walked back to my house on cloud 9, I'm feeling like I can take on anything...and then...I found what I was asking for but was NOT ready for at all.

     To make this long story a little shorter, I found out my Uncle had attempted suicide while I was away. He survived that night although I didn't stay to find that out then, I found out the next morning and my great friends took me to the hospital to see him. But at the time I went from the highest I've ever been emotionally to the worst point I could imagine (and this is a life where I was at a few really low points so to say I went to the lowest means a lot)

     Skipping many years later, I have been dealing with suicidal desires for years and have since dealt with a second and ultimately successful attempt by my Uncle to end his life AND a close friend who committed suicide.

     Here's where the selfishness comes in: there is a part of me that has been wanting to get out of the life that I destroyed years ago and have been barely living. Ya know the saying, "you made your bed, now time to lie in it" well that's where I was and I thought seriously about just killing myself and ending the pain I have been taking over and over for years. I used the metaphor of a boxing match as my life for years and that was not worth continuing.

     In 2013 on my birthday it hit me that my Uncle was gone and I had no one that loved me (I'm not talking about friends,  have the best friends I could possibly have) and I had to celebrate my birthday, which I have NEVER had to celebrate without my Uncle. I just wanted it all to end. I wanted to go to sleep and just never stop dreaming and never have to get up and deal with the people in my life, and never deal with the negativity that seemed and seems inevitable and I didn't want to have to be an adult and do things with just no help mentally.

     There are other parts to my psychology suicidally but selfishness is definitely part of it all.

I'm still here though and that's pretty big...to be continued