A Rant and Life Updates (June 13th 2018)

     So I have a few updates and thoughts from the past few days, some good and some not so good. All one hundred percent true and from my heart.

I'll start with the recent public suicides. I first want to say that I hate hearing about anyone taking their own life and I want to find any way and every possible way to stop as many suicides that can be stopped. Whether it's public figures or poor people or from the US or any other country, I want to find more ways to help people who are hurting as much and quick as possible.

Now with that said, I am very upset about something that has nothing to do with the specific people who took their lives recently and absolutely has a lot to do with our society (at least the society seen on social media)

For anyone who would ever read this, there are possibly dozens or more people you know personally who struggle with giving up, who send some small potentially life or death signs out into the world that go unnoticed, but one famous person kills them self and everyone posts status' and tweets like they care...until some other news comes up and makes them forget.

     I'm not blaming anyone for the actions but I am saying that every time we make it a priority to talk about a celebrity but never even offer our friends in our own circle the chance to be that important to us, we perpetuate and keep this societal trend going...and it sucks.

I can tell you from experience that when I'm hurting and considering giving up, when I'm at my worst, it really hurts to hear close friends post multiple long dedicated posts and pictures about how their lives are changed based on the loss of a person they didn't know in a real way but never offer their real friends that same attention.

This is not an attack on any one person or an attempt to hurt anyone's feelings, I want people to think more about how much of an impact they can have on people who they actually have an impact on. Masking someone important even in a little way can be huge to them, it's free and not hard to be a little extra nice randomly.

...OK, with that out of the way, here's my life update.


So I've been taking depression medicine, estrogen, migraine medicine and allergy medicine. Sounds like a ton, right? It is. But here's the crazy thing, they're all working!



For months, I've needed to take Excedrin migraine every single day at some point because I'd feel one coming on; I haven't had to do that in almost a week, maybe more by now. And that's including a few extra stressful days at work too, big tests passed there!

Allergies have been debilitating for me and while I've still barely been outside much lately, I have been affected about 10% as much as the last few years. That's a ton when my eyes have swelled shut multiple times last year alone.

Depression is a different animal but there is still big progress since starting medicine. I have noticed that it's been easier to feel better emotionally, I've still had a few bad thoughts and bad days but not even close to the way it's been all my life before.

And last but definitely not least, the estrogen. I have noticed a very little teeny tiny bit of breast growth. While it's going so far beyond slow I guess I have to look at the positive way: it is working.

     As far as my mental state, I've had a few days where I was ready to give up and in the last month I have considered suicide a few times but the progress is I've been able to talk myself out of those
thoughts by thinking about my future and by the hope that I have in possibilities that are ahead.

I've also got back in touch with a few friends I thought were not willing to even talk to me and that's been a load off my mind. My group of friends mean and meant the world to me so to think about losing them hurts more than just about anything.




     So to finish this update, I want to share my current goals for Wednesday June 13th 2018:
* Thanks to my Awesome Aunt Caren, I'm going to work on some hair removal coming up soon!

* I'm starting to clothes shop (donations much appreciated), mainly skirts for now. I'm going to start wearing skirts to work

* I need to exercise and work on getting my weight down.

* Bible reading and praying needs to be much mor eimportant to me than it has been

* Organizing my room since I just bought a couch last week and I now have actual stuff to organize.

* I'm coloring my hair (today) and I might try to style it somehow

* I have a few writing projects and video projects that I want to work on.  I'm beyond the first step in both so I'm hoping to make progress on them soon.

* I'm trying to find a way to save money for something really big I want to do next year. Can't say what it is yet, don't want to jinx it.

Yet Another Holiday Rant

     Can I be very very petty and let out some major anger? Okay, since YOU said okay, I will. I know holidays are supposed to be recognized as a great family time and a time of thankfulness and such but I live in a different world. I have friends who all have great families, I respect them and I am happy they have that; I never want them to NOT have that.

     I live in a world where I am constantly reminded what true father is and even moreso what a 'dad' is; I also get a very clear picture of what I never had even for a second.

I try very hard not to be petty but once in a while (usually during holidays) it just hits me extra hard how the sperm donor (as my sister and I refer to the human who aided in creating us)  has messed me up in such a lifelong way.

This human has given me, from a very young age, abandonment issues and self depreciating feelings along with teaching me how to be completely superficial and just plain awful. A verbally abusive, historically physically at times and money minded in the worst way person has rarely done anything outside of throwing his money around to be anything positive in my life and as much as I need money, it's not worth any amount to give him any kind of credit.

And here goes the rabbit hole convo:

     I identify as transgendered, I am currently transitioning from male to identifying as female. And I believe that I was born prone to enjoy feminine things and my brain is wired as a female but let's pretend that thi9ngs like this don't happen and that it was purely environmental for the sake of this conversation. If it is completely environmental, then the biggest thing that affected who I am and how I see myself would be the lack of a father figure in my life.

At a very young age, around 2 or 3 or possibly even younger, it was integral for a boy to have a role model to learn from and mimic and ask questions and be loved by and laugh with and be punished by and so much more; I had none of this. Being frank and unintentionally mean, I had three uncles who were as far from role models as could be; they were all kids who did drugs and lived immature lives.

And before anyone says something, I love all of my uncles and think they all evolved into great people even though not all of them got away from things they needed to. Each one of them taught me something important and I'm not insulting them with any of this at all.

Who I AM insulting is the...let's call it a man, who had sex and created a life only to leave that lifeform (me) to the wolves. I'm insulting that human being.

     Well, I had that on my mind for the last few days and needed to let it out.

Late Night Rant

     So I've been having trouble putting my thought into words for a while now but I'm trying to get back into it. It's really therapeutic for me to get stuff out of my head and onto a virtual notepad. Over the last month I have bene so busy between moving (4 times since November, yeah...you read that right) and stress from all directions, I have really gotten myself stuck in my own head.

     So I want to get some of the issues and thoughts out of my 'sometimes steel trap of negativity' of a mind and try to work from here. so...

     Well the first and most stressful thing I have been dealing with is the pausing of my transition and recent kinda inability to talk about it to many people. I know that is a lot to toss out so I'll unravel it and explain each layer:

* My transition started seemingly too easy, I got into my clinic and things were moving along pretty quickly...until...I had an EKG done and my Dr saw something worrying. She instructed me to see a cardiologist, which took over a month to find and see. Breaking this down even further, I misunderstood my Dr and thought I could start taking hormones, then I found out I shouldn't have and stopped. That was devistating at the time because I didn't have insurance and couldn't afford a cardiologist. For a few weeks, I really barely held on to any kind of hope of anything ever being even okay. Depression made it hard to do anything and I thought I wasn't going to be able to transition, which terrifies me.

I finally opened up to everyone that matters to me and have been doing little things that I want to lead to me fully and completely transitioning from male to identifying as female. (For anyone who disagrees with this decision, I know I am not going to ever be a true female and I don't have any delusions that this move will be as satisfying as the imagination I have about transitioning but I am doing as much as I can to make myself as comfortable as possible in the little bit of life I have left here on earth.

* Lately, I haven't really had many people to talk to about specifically my transition. I have many people to talk to but between the holiday busyness and my friends all kinda having major things going on in their lives, it's been hard to catch some of them and the ones who have been free arenb't okay with this so I don't bring it up to those.

* And finally, the thing that seems to remind me it exists whenever I try to get any success started: Depression. 

Depression has caused me to skip things I would have enjoyed, especially the Thanksgiving/Christmas time of year. The reason I haven't been able to put thoughts together to write in this for a while is the same reason I backed out of plans a few times and the same reason I would rather peel my eyelids off than talk on the phone to anyone. Depression/anxiety has such a strong hold on me at times. I'm still trying to figure a way to beat that...

     So all of that has made it hard to acknowledge the god things that have happened in the last few weeks, which I need to remind myself that amid the darkness of all of that I do have things to look at and be greatful for.

My friend, one of my longest and most important friendships in a way, did something I could not be more humbled by. She gave me a computer to use, she heard mine broke and sent me one she had and wasn't using. She absolutely blew me away with her generosity and willingness to help.
And two frineds from my high school years have reached out to me lately and in their own way have made me feel honored to have them as friends.

One who I never really talked to in school (I was friends with her brothers) spent some time with me and is always there for me when I need someone to text. I hope to get more time to hang out with her and be a help to her even half as much as she is a great friend to me.

Another friend who was very very important to me in highschool happened to see me a few weeks ago in a mall, he asked if it was me he saw ansd we got to talking; I shared what I've been going through in life (being trans) and he is just as a great a friend now as he was back then.

---A quick summary of why I say he's such an important part of my
life: In school I was about the leas tpopular kid, even my closest friends never really had my back. This particular friend was cool with pretty much everyone and could have been like my other firends, he could have let me get made fun of or just walked away when I needed help but he didn't. There were a few times he gave me credit for things or stood up for me. He didn't know at the time but there was one specific time when I had lans to end myself that day, I was so lonely and was being made fun of by someone who I still have trouble not hating...this kid followed me home from school threatening to beat me up the whole way.

Well, the day I was planning to end it all, this friend stuck up for me and didn't care if it made him les popular or whatever, he did the right thing. Him doing that, stopped me from committing suicide...like literally he saved my life and didn't even know it.

So hearing from him recently and knowing he offered his support if/when I need it because he learned what I am...well, there is no greater honor between friends. These friends have all touched me in a time when I've been really down, not exactly my lowest point in life but definately great timing.

OHHH! And another thing I am really happy about is two of my best friends are getting married; they've asled me to be a bridesmaid!! I can't express how much I love that! I'm so excited to be a part of their big day!!

     Ok...I need to get some sleep and gear up to take on tomorrow. Any prayers are appreciated and a kind word or act goes a long way so remember it doesn't take much to make someone's day better or much worse. Keep that in mind and. . .

A Letter to a 'Man' Who Will Never Be Forgotten *warning, some language*

          Dear Dave,

   You might remember me, you donated sperm that helped me to be born at one point. You might remember me, you showed me how NOT to treat women. You might remember me, you taught me every single thing about what dads do that you never did. You might remember me, I was the one you rejected multiple times even as a small child and sometimes directly to me. You might remember me, I was the one that you deemed not good enough because of things like money isn't the most important thing to me and I wasn't driven to "succeed" the way you think is success.

   I remember being a kid, caring about you, thinking good things about you and actually wanting to see you...but...I also remember over-hearing you tell someone you never wanted me, I also remember you walking away even after I forgave you and opened myself up and made myself vulnerable for you. I also remember sitting in your car, after seeing your thousands of dollars in brand new work out equipment and hearing you tell me how poor you are and how you couldn't possibly help me not be homeless. I also remember learning that you beat your ex-wife and I remember seeing the path of devastation in the wake of some of the people you used and hurt and left without caring for even a second. I even chose to ignore all those things for a time, I knew what you said but I tried so hard to think, "I can make it different if I just forgive him and I'll be the one to let this go and move on from here."

   I used to want to forgive you even after what you put me through as a kid. You left me behind so many times and I gave you one last chance, one time where I tried to heal our broken relationship and salvage at least some kind of connection and you took that and you threw it away. You figuratively spit in my face as I made myself vulnerable to you then you told me "Fuck your shitty worthless garbage self" before burning the little bit of care I had for you. And I just stood there and took it, I felt it whether I wanted to or not. I tried to not feel it, I tried to put up a shield around myself against you and block any stupid thing you said or did to me. Mainly because I knew you would hurt me and I knew you didn't care about me and secondly because I refused to let people in my world but you broke through that...scratch that, I let you in for a second and you made me regret that hardcore.

   For years I thought about what I wanted to say to you if I ever saw you again, I wanted to curse you out or tell you all the things that are messed up in me irreversibly solely and completely because of YOU. I wanted to hurt you, to watch you bleed and be in pain. I wanted to do some of the most vicious  things I could imagine to you and even to those around you just to see if that would hurt you. I wanted to kill your pet and leave the body on your doorstep, I wanted to spray paint things on your house and make you have to pay to clean it (since I know money is the only thing you care about), I wanted to kill you. I wanted to become an actual murderer because of you.

   The fact is I am glad I never did any of that, all of who I am (absolutely no thanks to you in any way) is against hatred, violence and hurting people. It's taken me many many years to say this: Even you. I work a regular job and on a daily basis, I try to help people who are poor or angry or sad and I make very little money because people are important to me, making someone's life better in some small way is a world better than being what you consider successful. And doing any of the things I imagined doing to you would make me something I'm not and of all the people that deserve to change me or cause me to be different, you get none of that.

   I will never do anything to harm you or even wish physical harm to you. I may even pray for you in time but I do hope you think about what you have done to so many people, I hope you close your eyes and see my face and the other people you helped give life to and I hope somewhere in your black cold heart, you feel it.

    I still hate you, I still have times when rage takes over when I think about what you have done to me, despite being in my life so little and how much you've ruined my life...It's actually a little impressive how much damage you caused. There are things I will most likely never be fixed in my because you were the worst scum you or anyone could possibly be to me. And that is something I'll never be able to forget, no matter how hard I try.

                                             Sincerely,
                                                     me