I got what I deserved, right?

What dreams may come, what nightmares dwell.

When lightness and love are drug to hell.

What's seen is felt, what darts are dealt, what darkness grows, what rainbows melt.

When the day grows dim, 

when reality's claw starts to sink in,

when the walls close in and fill everything in,

when even the most inconsequential smallest pieces of treasure have been burned to ashes

and when hope has been erased,

that's where my tears were buried and my soul died.

Wednesday, September 7th 2022

     If you look at a rose and you see it, touch it, smell it. It's a rose no matter what you call it or what you do with it. It is a rose. And if you see shit, you smell it, clean it up and throw it away...it is shit. You can make the best of the situation by saying the shit was an accident and the rose was lucky being a rose, but both are still what they are.

     I try to deal with my situation, I try to sugar coat what I am but there's no changing what I am. I am nothing. I am no one. I have no past and the more I go, it becomes clearer every day that I am only creating emptiness where a future should be. I wish I mattered.

I wish anything I do could change me, I wish I could do enough good to fix the negativity that I bring merely by existing, like if I could see an empty container in physical form and I could see that every good deed added to it...I would possibly feel like I had a chance. Though it would be a lie, at least I'd be able to hide my head in the sand deep enough not to see what I still am.

     The funny thing is I can't even blame anything on anyone else. Every single mistake, every awkward interaction that turned people away from me, every judgement that led to making a choice...it is all completely my fault. No one else, nothing else and I can't even try to get away from every one of them.

If I did drugs ever, I could say it was the drugs; they made me make wrong decisions. I never did anything though so my choices were just me looking at a situation soberly and choosing all on my own. If I had bad friends or people who were ever in charge of me, I could blame them for something. The truth is since I was born, I was on my own. Sure, there were times when I got help but I still made the choices in every situation and I am fully to blame. 

     When I was 1 and put a blanket on an electric heater, when I a teenager decided I wasn't going to live with either birth parent, when I chose not to work at school, when I lost my virginity, attempted to take my life (earliest at 7 years old and many times after that), when I let certain people leave, when I tried to keep certain people in my life. When I was too annoying, too patient, too rude, too nice and so many things in between. IT'S. ALL. MY. FAULT. I sure as hell can't blame any parents or adults in my life, I barely had any. Something that doesn't exist can't be blamed for doing something, right?

     All that was a precursor, a preamble for today's thoughts. I've fought so hard and so long with no guarantee knowledge that there's a reason, ya know? I've been told that if I get to a certain point in life or work hard enough or if I do certain things, I'll get love in return. I've never seen it, ever; not for 5 seconds. 

I've been told that if I give I will receive. That has not been a part of my existence either. I'm not saying I've never been given anything ever, that's not true but here's an example I imagine a lot:

     If I need a house and I work hard to get what I need to get that house but I see someone else with a  greater need, I thought the way life worked was If I give to that person someday it would come back to me. That's what I thought (through my rambly mess of too many words in my mind) but what happens so many times is I see someone else in need and I help them, then I realize I'm in a worse situation than that person in need...and I am alone then. Not only is no one there but anyone that is nearby makes it clear that I shouldn't have helped anyone else. They say it's my fault I'm where I am and "You made my bed so you need to lie in it now." and if I even try to say anything other than taking full responsibility, then I am lying AND wrong.

I'm sitting here, kneeling on a floor in a small town near a large city and I cannot stop thinking about how I have done nothing with my life, Never felt real love, never experienced real things for myself and I have never been confident in one single thing, important or menial. And so many signs seem pointing more and more to giving up. 

I remember this one time I was working at a fast food place around Christmas, I was miserable and lonely and had recently lost my uncle to suicide. I was mopping and a song came on the radio there, I forget the name or most of the lyrics but what I remember was the story the song was telling. In it's tune filled story, it explained that Christmas wasn't worth making it through without someone to share it with. I'm sure someone somewhere heard it and took the words in one way but as I spent that Christmas alone, I didn't see the cute fluffy happy part of it. It felt like the radio was screaming, "Give up! Give up Now! The one thing you value the most will never happen, so why are you even here? You don't belong."

I was just watching a documentary about a celebrity, Soleil Moon Frye. I couldn't finish it because though I know it's about her story and it wasn't an easy one in ways, it felt very much like there was an underlying message of "I have no life and I can't have a life. I have like 2 stories to tell, I'm not interesting, I have no perspective that can help or bring people to my story. So I'm not ever going to be worth anything."

So I was born to be shit. I can buy fancy things, I can give to the poor, I can let everyone go ahead of me in lines and hold all the doors for people but...nothing can change what I am. Any time I start to break even or get out of anything bad, something immediately destroys it completely 

(like when I was in a relationship, had my own place and was starting to deal better with my migraines and then all in the span of a few hours, I was fired from the job I liked then that day I broke up with the woman I was dating and then the moment I got to my place after the relationship ending fight...I found out my place was bought by the bank and I had 2 weeks to find a new place to live.) 

That's how things go. Always. My life phrase used to be 'Life is what you make of it.' then it was 'It is what it is.' and now it's simply "I don't get good things."

To be completely honest with (no one's gonna read this so, I guess this is just for myself) I feel more and more like it's only a matter of time till I'm gone. 

...and that is such a sucky, soul draining thought. G'night.

Talking about my mentality

     So I recently did a thing, something I'm kind of embarrassed about. No, I didn't commit any crimes or really hurt anyone; I asked someone to be my friend.

Did I get your attention? Hope so, because I need to talk it out and figure out how to change myself here. Before I explain, let me iterate. Is iterate a word? I know reiterate is but that's stating something more than once, right? I'm rambling...ok back on track:

So, like many stories this one starts with "So there's this girl..." 

(And before you say anything, I'm trans. I know this. Just to clear this up, that's about my internal comfort not about my sexuality. Aaaand I know it's confusing, I know it throws a wrench into a lot of things. I'm trying to find a way to be both comfortable AND navigate areas of life that it affects)

So...there's this girl. I work with her. And without her knowledge, she broke into my personal broken and very guarded bubble of emotions. I honestly still don't know how but she did with just a smile.

For the sake of this public post, I'm going to call her...Angel. Yeah, so I saw Angel kinda a long time ago but knew somehow that if I even thought about her for one second, I'd feel something for her and I avoided her like she was a spider and I was, well, me. That was fine, one day I ended working in her area and she (not knowing anything about me, just being nice) offered some help with what I was doing.

We ended up talking and I found out she was in a serious relationship, and a few things that she likes and just kinda talked. Now I am very very serious about lushly so when I heard she's taken, I knew I was right to avoid her. Politely, of course, but I didn't allow myself to think a single thought and all was what it was.

Because I'm very good at being invisible, one day I overheard the person she was with and serious about cheated on here...a lot. Initially I wanted to be so angry, because even though I avoided her and did what I had to in order to not think about her, she means something to me. I walked away and couldn't help but think about what if we became friends and (for once in my life) it could work out. I know, it's too soon and she has zero interest in me AND she's gotta be hurting so I didn't do anything romantic or anything like that. I just made myself a little more open and social. 

I'm an introvert so it took me weeks to even be able to open up, to anyone not just her. I made myself visible, I talked to people instead of quietly walking by and waving, I tried to be...not me. And it worked. 

I think somewhere in me it's a talkative human that's been beaten down and ground into a painfully shy introverted mouse. And I was genuinely trying to bring that human out more and more. I think she noticed that I was at least being a little more social, she said hi to me more and more, she smiled when she saw me and I tried to not overdo it but I responded in kind.

So valentine's day came around and I really wanted to do something nice for her. Not exactly to get closer but I knew she was probably hurting about everything and I wanted to make her smile, like for real not. Be flattered. Maybe even be happy in some small way.

I stopped at a store before work and bought her a generic card. In the card I said I wanted her to smile because her smile makes the whole world a little big brighter and cake here the most beautiful girl in the world. 

I planned on giving it to her when I saw her and I was excited, nervous, genuinely hoping it made her smile a real smile. I didn't expect anything back or want to get closer to her really, at best I wanted to open a door to friendship.

So, I went to work...aaaand she was super busy all day. Like 'didn't stop even once' busy. Of. Course.

Plus she didn't seem sad or anything, so I didn't give it to her. Days went by and I didn't see her even once. Seven days in fact and we didn't work the same schedule. I had the card with me, debated leaving it on her desk and decided I had to either hand it to her or drop it and let it go. (I should have done tha, I'm not smart enough to listen to my own good advice though.)

So one week after V day, I decided that if I get a moment to talk to her I'd give her the card and I'd there was absolutely no time to catch her, I'd throw it away. All day I worked at the opposite end of the building and I thought that was it. That's my answer. The universe said no.

Then just as I was cleaning up to leave, she walked next to me and said hi. "THIS IS IT!" I thought. "This is my chance!" So I stopped here and have her the card, through a nervous voice. She gave me a hug, then left. Cool. Hopefully she liked it. I didn't see her for maybe 2 weeks because it just worked out that way.

I just wanted to see her long enough to say hi, see how she responds to the card and my hope was too ask her to give me a call or hang out. I know this is forward for this story but my thought was, I'm not trying to actually get into a relationship, I just leaned how to open up in any way so I just wanted to get to know her and potentially bean actual friend outside of work.

3 weeks go buy and I didn't see her even once. I was terrified that she hated that I have her the V day card and didn't know what to do. I did know that is she wasn't okay with it, I was going to be so invisible that she wouldn't know I existed even if I was right next to her. I was not, am not, will not ever be a person who pushes anyone to do anything they aren't comfortable with.

Ok, so in that 3 weeks I considered writing a letter to her; just asking her if she wanted/needed a friend. I figured if I give here a letter, she doesn't have to look at me if she wasn't okay with it. I said something like of she doesn't want to call or hang out I wouldn't bother her. 

I obviously write a letter, debated leaving it on her desk, didn't, did, didn't, put it on her desk then took it off...over that 3 weeks. Then, I did it. I put it on her desk on a Friday. I left it there and left for the weekend.

Nerves ran through me, I was happy because I thought at the least she might smile. Like, even if she's not interested in being something serious, shed possibly at least be a friend. 

All weekend I pictured her calling and saying she just wanted someone to talk to, or texting me. Some kind of small talk or basic friend type conversation. Didn't hear from here Saturday, then Sunday, then Monday and by Tuesday I worked a close schedule and she didn't say hi or smile like before. And...there it was...all the thoughts I considered absolutely shattered as she clearly didn't like that I did anything. 

The valentine's day card, the letter, the talking to her more. I had given negativity to the girl I've been thinking about day and night for almost a year. Every ounce of socialness (is that a word?) drained out of me in a matter of seconds as the realization hit me that I'd never get to be a friend. And the thought of not ending up with her...that still hurts ass I type out right now. I avoided her hard! I have her so much space that since then, she might not even know I still work there. 

A few weeks after that, a coworker found out I was the one who gave her the letter and that person told me she wasn't happy about it, though any details weren't given to said coworker. She made it clear to that person that Angel is essentially grossed out (my words based on the conversation) by me and that even being a friend isn't even a thing she'd ever even consider.

Since then I've not seen her for literally 2 seconds, she never said a word to me and I'm trying my best to move on. It's not working but that has nothing to do with her, it's my problem alone to deal with. 

Sooo...the reason I said I'm embarrassed, you say? Well there's a while other side to this, my side.

     So I've been broken for a while now. I was in a really bad relationship about 7 years ago, the person I was with was manipulative and really damaged me. She physically assaulted me once, did all the stereotypical narcissist things and in the end, I was unable to feel. 

3 years ago, of the girl of my dreams had walked up to me and begged me to date her, I would have had no problem saying no. I wasn't even capable of love it anything. I was actually starting to think I might be a sociopath, like for real. I shut all feelings off and that's very very not like me. At all. I've been a hopeless romantic since I was 6, so to not even be able to want love, that scared me.

2 years ago, I started mentally prepare to not live long. I didn't know quite what that meant but it started beginning apparent that I'm not made to last here, I had no real friends who I can lean on or spend time with, I have absolutely no path or purpose and I was losing control of my ability to care, about anything.

The only thing that happened that was any good was a social media platform I started to succeed with. That's not enough to keep me from preparing for my end, but it was cool. 

Then, about a year ago something happened. I saw this girl. My heart literally skipped a beat. I couldn't breathe and just her smile (not at me) made my entire day bright. I had a feeling! It shocked me. It confused me. I didn't know how to react.

I'm really sensitive to emotions of others, even when someone feels something and don't show it, I can feel it. And something that seemed greater than me seemed to magnetically pull me to Angel. When I first realized this, I avoided her but that magnetism was really strong. It wasn't because she's pretty (although she is literally the most beautiful girl in the world, whether she loves me or hates me, I can't deny that), it wasn't because she had something or did something; it was like her soul called out to me in a different realm, or so I thought.

At that time I was still heavily convinced that my end was coming within days, weeks or maybe months. So thinking about that, every single day that I didn't end gave me the thought, "This could be the last time I talk to this person." Or "This could be the last time I ride my bike down this street." Everything could be a last time ever.

It was weird to feel some kind of spiritual cosmic feeling but also be ready to go. Angel had and has no idea any of this is going on, she knows absolutely nothing about me or exactly how I feel...and she won't.

I refused to say I love her because I didn't get close enough to love, but I think it's safe to say I do. I love her enough to exit her life before I really enter and let her be happy. 

And one more thing, I have this curse. Well it's a curse to me, it's kinda a great thing to others. 

One is: when I leave anyone's life, their life gets better. Things start going their way and luck seems to find them.

The other is whenever I truly love someone, they find their 'one' and so far every single person who finds someone ends up living happily ever after. So Angel is about to find her perfect person, she'll get married within...I'll say, within 2 years she'll be married and have at least one child. 

Neither curse has even one opposing evidence. Not even one. 

I guess the bright side is in a way I'm making Angel happy...glass half full, right? 

That's the story of how I met someone else's love, kids.

I Can't Escape It

     I had a dream last night and I don't think another dream has ever scared me this much before.

I had this dream that I was invited to someone's house for dinner, I didn't want to go because I was hurting too much; hurting too much inside. They kept trying to bring me inside and treat me like part of their family. And after a while of them trying unsuccessfully, they took my bike away from me and said I could only get it back after dinner.

I sat down and could barely handle it. I wanted to cry, to sob, right there at the table. I felt like hopelessness would have been a step up, as if I knew there was not a single thing on earth that could fix...me. I tried, I really tried to just be normal and calm and smile but I just barely kept tears from pouring down my face.

After about 5 minutes of everyone around me talking and greeting each other and laughter, someone brought the dinner out. I was slightly eased by the fact that the dinner meant I could leave sooner.

They brought the actual plate of food in using my bicycle to carry it and the moment they put the food on the table, I politely (as politely as I was able through tears and a forced smile), I took the handlebars of my bike, walked it out the door and started riding down the street.

As I rode, I just started sobbing, harder than I ever have before. I couldn't control the painh for another second and I fell on some grass in some yard. It must have been my place because I walked to the back yard and opened a shed door.

As I opened the door and guided my bike in, I felt like someone was following me. I imagined someone coming to steal my bike and kill me. I had that second of fear but the hopelessness and emptiness took over and I hoped I was right, I wanted someone to come and end me. I stepped out of the shed, dropped the bike behind me and waited for someone to do it. I held my hands up in the air in a "what now" pose and closed my eyes (I was crying so hard, I can still feel that emotion as I'm writing this hours later) 

When no one came to rob me, I just dropped to the ground, no energy to even stand anymore. I began loudly sobbing, moaning and screaming that I just want to be done (though I was more blunt with my words. It's actually hard to type the exact words at the moment) 

And in a heap on the ground, as I wailed in the most empty terrifying pain I had ever known, I lsot that feeling that someone was around even to hurt me. There was no one to help me or do anything about the pain, there was no one to attack me or steal from me, there was...just...no one. Anywhere.

I remember looking around and all the cars in the street nearby were in the road, abandoned with some doors still opened and there was faint music coming from someone's house and thie erie sound of win became louder even though there was no actual win blowing. It was like an empty sound filling everything.

I woke up sobbing and saying the phrase I screamed in my dream and looking around for someone to please attack me (or hug me or to someone how make it better, however that happened) My hands were clenched so hard I have a cut on the inside of my palm and I still, this very second, feel like emptiness is more painful than any physical pain.

     I'm trying so hard to hold out for some...thing, some miracle. I just...I'm running out of reasons to believe in anything anymore. Sorry this isn't more positive, but this is as honest and vulnerable as I truly am. 

     Searching for...something. Anything. 

What Now? The Next Step.

     Where do I go from here? Good question, right? I've asked that to myself and prayed to God so many times I can't count.  I got to the edge, I stared at it, I found some way not to go over that edge and I stepped back. But then what. Amirite?

If you've ever gone through suicidal near deaths before, you know there's a relief and possibly people are there for you...at first. AT FIRST. After that initial win, there's often the 'getting back to normal 

life' part that isn't real easy, but you get through the first 'normal day' and kinda get back into your routine.

Then...the next steps are often overlooked or treated as not nearly as big as stepping away from the edge. That step is VITALLY, desperately and visualizationally SOOO important! (I make up words, let it go.)

It's vital because if there's no plan in place, no reason to still be here, nothing to be excited about further than "I didn't die." that's where thoughts of trying again become big and whether they start from the beginning or they unpause from the moment you walked away from the edge, those feelings will only get stronger.

That next step or continued excitement is visualizationally important because visualizing a future with yourself IN IT needs to be palpable. 

Visualizationally - describing 

something being able to be 

visualized or imagined as a potential truth.

     So you're at that point where you've gotten back into your groove or rut and you're doing the daily things like before and you get to that moment where you think, " Okay, I'm back to routine and things

are better than when they were worse...but...what now?"

There two parts to this that you can do to take control of this step, one is completely in your power to be the authority and the 2nd part is not as easy to be the total leader of but CAN be done. Neither are even close to easy, but these WILL make the "What' now?!" so much less powerful over you.

This is where you have to find something to be excited about and look forward to. Find a new job, challenge yourself to small winnable tests: like try new food every day or say hello to 200 people in one day or listen to a new song from a new band every day or something personal to you and something that specifically makes you happier than you were before. 

Do whatever you can to have fun with this part,  make yourself laugh with the crazy, silly ideas and do them. And don't feel bad if you make very small goals, like writing in a blog or cleaning a small part of your room or something like that...not that I suggested those because those are two of my personal goals in this step. 

Getting those wins really can be a huge encouragement and help you get through each day with a different focus or a different way of looking at life. Stay calm and don't get down on yourself if you set small goals and don't get to them right away, if you don't clean your room today you have tomorrow to work on it. 

The 2nd part of this step is, in a way, a little less in your control: surround yourself with a person or people who will help you get better, feel better and be better. In some cases, that means stepping away from old friends who drag you down or who don't support you and sometimes that means finding someone and basically saying to them, "I'm not doing too well right now and I'll probably be miserable but I'm asking you to hang out with me and help cheer me up. Pretty much just be here for me no matter what."

It's not always easy to reach out, I know this more than you think BUT it will get you closer to being better than you were before; and that's the goal, to make yourself better than you were before. 

Aaaand here's where I share a part of my heart with you and let you know why I'm writing this.

     Two reasons:

1.) Because I have been there and I would never wish these scary feelings on my worst enemies so if my experiences and thought help even one person, I will do this forever.

2.) Because a few weeks ago, I again was at the edge and I nearly didn't walk away from that. No one knew, I didn't go to a hospital and I don't have any physical scars to show for that day. I was standing in front of the train after having a day that proved to me just how worthless I am to the world and I saw the train coming closer quickly.

I saw it and imagined  what this world would be like without me in it and things in my mind got quite a bit worse after that thought too, there's no reason to get into just how dark things got. So I saw the train and I was emotionally ready to...well, I was ready to go. And I even got as close as putting my purse and bike down as it roared closer.

With tears in my eyes, I got scared and stepped back literally. I thought about what I wanted vs what I felt like I wanted. I wanted to die...except that wasn't the truth; I wanted to not feel worthless and I wanted to be happy and I wanted to be comfortable and I wanted to be able to live. None of those actual wants involved me ruining the life and mind of the little girl standing on the train platform not too far from me, none of those involved my friend's kids having to learn at some point that I took my own life and none of those wants involved  me giving up...in Edgewater Park, New Jersey on a Tuesday.

None of that is what I wanted or want, that's what the misery in me wants. I want good things and because I was going through some very hard times and because my bosses are bullying me and being very immature at work and because a lot of people I thought were friends haven't thought about me enough to send a text to even say hi and because it seems like every time I try to do a good thing 273 things happen that just destroy whatever I did...because of those things and a few more things, I thought, "I'll never get rid of these things so the next best thing is to end myself." 

Boiling down that twisted thought, what that says is I don't WANT to die, I just don't want to be unhappy and have no future. And so as much as I want to say I'm all better now, I'm actually in the phase I'm talking about throughout this entire diary entry. I'm talking to me just as much as anyone else who may read this.

You are not alone. You are not wrong or stupid or worthless and you definitely should step away from that edge and try looking at the world (your world specifically) in a different way; look between the lines and find out what you truly want. I'm betting on you wanting good things, even though it may be hidden by bitterness from horrible things. Don't let this world win. Please. Help me, let me help you, ask for help and help someone. 

It. will be worth it.

...to be continued...

An Origin Story

     The Suicide Journal has been a very important part of my life for a very long time. Origin story incoming...wait for it...

Many years ago, I had a plan. A plan I'm not proud of nor do I suggest anyone make a similar plan or even consider planning their own end; I made a plan to end myself and make others feel bad for not being good to me all rolled into one spectacular night that would change lives and cause a lot of pain.

I wrote down a note that began as a suicide note and was thinking about how bad I could hurt those who hurt me and in the process, I tried to explain why I ended myself (since the note wouldn't be read until after anything happened, I wrote it in past tense). The explanation  contained things I didn't know I had in me, a desire not to die but to be happy. 

It's easy for someone who hasn't been through suicidal thoughts or convincing depression issues to read that statement that I wanted to be happy and think, "Well DUH!" I understand where that response comes from in a happy life but I can't truly relate, I've never felt that just like those people have never experienced actual depression or suicidal tendencies. So to think I just want to end everything or hurt those who hurt me made full and total sense until that note.

I wrote the words, "I wish I could have found a way to be happy..." and at that moment I realized that the surface truth was I wanted to stop the pain and depression but the deep down truth; the truth I didn't believe I could ever attain wasn't just to stop pain.  I wanted to...I want to be happy. I want to feel comfort and not constant worry or sadness.

It may sound crazy but that note made me think hard and stop the planning, I ended up trying to think about what would put me in the direction of 'happy' It was a very hard night and a very confusing mental debate that night.

     Skipping a few years ahead, my Uncle Mike passed away and I didn't know what to do or how to feel. I was lost, I was hurt, I was...I don't know, I was nearly ready to give up. I wrote down some things in a small note book that I couldn't tell anyone else and in a very weird way I wrote things I didn't know was in my mind. 

The next day, I wrote more. I wrote a letter to my uncle and asked if it was wrong to talk to the dead or to wish I was with dead people; I know that's morbid and I AM NOT SAYING IT'S GOOD TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THESE KINDS OF TERRIBLE THOUGHTS but having them is something worth expressing. I knew I needed to get these thoughts out and started writing every time I felt the need to.                                                                                                                                                                                After a while I realized I formed journal-like entries and scratched "The Suicide Journal" on the front of that notebook.After that I started trying to dissect my feelings and pain, trying to figure out why I was hurt by things that hurt me and why I felt certain feelings. I knew and know that I never wish the pain of feeling suicidal on even my worst enemies and if anyone ever reads my words and is encouraged in any way, it's worth sharing. That became most of my goal and definitely why I started typing and publicly posting my words for others to read.

It's not to glorify suicide or to ever again write an actual suicide note (that's actually a terrifying thought to me), it's to spread the word that if you feel that endlessly scary and terrible feeling of wanting to end it all, you're not alone and those feelings are not real; no matter how convincing they are.

I hope to share The Suicide Journal for a very long time and also share the hope that more people in this world need. If you're reading this, I thank you for investing time in reading and please please know that your time and life is valuable. Never forget that. 

Unintentional Learning

     I have this memory, from whenever I was in school and I walked into a lunch room. Not just one specific time but many, many times throughout many different schools and across so many stages of my life. I would walk in to a full or filling lunch room and see groups of friends sitting down; talking or laughing or showing each other something they think their friends like. Kids would walk in behind me and be called to, motioned to sit next to friends. I'd see some kids sitting down without being asked, because they didn't have to be called over or ask to sit down and I remember watching that be cool with whomever they sat by.

...then there was me...

Each second became harder, somehow, to find a place to belong. I tried so hard to just be invisible so I could survey the area without being noticed. But as I have learned, I can't will myself to be unseen. I felt the awkward pouring over me, I felt kids' eyes hitting me and I felt the panic of the fact that even though I looked out of place; like I just needed ONE person (not friend, because...what's that) to pity me and ask me to sit with them...they didn't care.

All that I just explained took seconds, maybe a minute in real time but to me every single time that happened it was longer than any clock had to show. And it wasn't the fact that I was awkward that hurt so much, it wasn't that I needed to sit or even that I had no friends (most of the time at least) It was the fact that no one cared enough for real to help me out of that misery. Even people who claimed to be 'my friend' didn't care if I was going through those torturous moments.

So I learned that I was able to make myself invisible. My superpower, right?! There were times when I would stand in a corner of a cafeteria, lean against a wall and eat my lunch and not one person would say a word to me. I wish I could say this is just a metaphor or an exaggerated example of things that happened but this has happened to me many times, in real life. And it hurt worse every time I went through it.

     If that was just a memory and I was hurt but learned from it, that's cool. But it affected me in a pretty big way. Dissecting what that did to me:

-I learned that there's no sympathy for people like that (like me) and for some time I was actually scared that I might be a sociopath because I developed the ability to just not care, like there was some switch and I found a way to turn it off.

-I learned that I don't matter to people. I heard people talk about how they could never just ignore someone when they have no friends but those were some of the same people who saw me standing there and had absolutely no emotional reaction to seeing someone on the brink of panic attacks or on the verge of giving up and they didn't even flinch. If they can't handle seeing someone in pain and don't have even an inkling of emotion when they see me...they're not the problem, I am.

-I learned to avoid groups all together or to show that I don't want to be in groups.

-I learned to hide from social situations and eventually I learned to hide from situations that hurt me the same way, even when it wasn't as bad as I thought it felt like it to me and it hurt the same as if it was the worst case scenario.

-I learned to shut down when an overwhelming amount of emotional weight hit me the way it did then.

     And these are just a few things that I unintentionally leanred from those seemingly small moments. Those teachings have bled into areas of my life that I am told regularly "You need to just stop." except there's no second part to those commands, the part that explains how to 'just stop' and I'm left learning that I'm not good enough even stronger...like a terrible truth on steroids. HULK SMASH all over me again and again.

Dear Uncle Mike

     Dear Uncle Mike,

                             Hi, It's been a while...I really really wish you were here. So much has happened since the last time we talked, some stuff I'm sure you wouldn't have an easy time with but I know you'd still be here for me. You were one of very few never to have walked away from me or gotten rid of me. Wish I could say thank you for that...among so much I wish I could tell you.

     Uncle Mike...I you were here I'd tell you that I am working on finding a way to accept myself and I'm fighting suicide very very hard. I'd tell you that I'm still here and that I love you so much, I'd tell you that every single day I think about you. It's been 6 years since the last time I heard your voice live, since I saw you and you're still one of the most important people in my life.

Every time something happens in my life, good or bad, my first reaction is STILL to pick up my phone and o to call you. I don't know that I'll ever lose that instinct. I'd love to say I only cherish the times I had with you but I'd be lying. I'm way too selfish and I want so badly to have more time with you. I want to get one  more call from you or hug you one more time or hear you laugh one more time. And if I got one of those, I'd want one more. You were so big in my world for so long, it's still hard to realize you're not here every morning.

     Okay, time to kinda update you on everything since 2012...here it goes:
So Ry and I have been hanging out a lot, it's been really great to have a friend like him. He's probably the only other person who has been close to you to me, he makes me not hate the word family. I keep up with Britt as much as I can too. I've gotten to do a lot of really cool things over the last 6 years; FINALLY got my passport and I'm gonna start using it soon. Met some famous people, actors and hockey players, just about every one has been awesome. I even got to meet a few actors who were on Cheers. Uncle George would have loved to hear that.

I've also learned a lot about what's really important in life, I've been trying to make experiences and people way more important than money and objects...you taught me that money comes and goes, I hold that close to my heart as I try to be a good person to people more than I try to be a business person or let the love of money enter my heart.  I've gotten a bunch of times to spend with Pop and some other people I'm related to, that has been really cool. I've been drawing, taking pictures a lot over the last few years and making videos. I wish I could show you some of my better stuff. You'd like them.

     So I know you'd have a tough time with this but I am doing something I've needed to do for a long time, I'm opening up about being me and I've truly been happy since being honest about being trans. I know it would be hard for you to understand but I also know you'd try to understand and even if you never did get it, you'd still love me. I wish I could tell you the story from the beginning and explain how much better I am now than I was before. I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you a long time ago, I think if I was things might have been different...somehow...I'm not quite sure how much different or in what way. Either way I wish you could see me now and see that I'm trying to be happy, like for real happy.

     Well, I could write a novel about how much I miss you but it still wouldn't fully explain pinpoint everything...guess I'll stop now.

You CAN make it! A July 28th 2018 update

     Update:
I have not been suicidal in months; I haven't had any thoughts of ending myself even in a passing manner in such a long time. Ever since I was a little kid, my thoughts lined up with the philosophy "if something happens and there's any kind of danger, I don't care about risking my life or putting myself in between anyone else and life threatening situations. Now that's a great thing to do but the reason I did that was because I didn't care about me, not because I was selflessly protecting others.

     The difference between then and now isn't that I don't want to protect others or that I would save myself...BUT now I am honestly looking to live my life instead of imagining a scenario (a very very rare situation, despite what it looks like on the news. In all truth, it's not an everyday occurance that a life or death situation happens) I want to think about the positive possibilities, encourage people and focus on the good things this world has to offer.

     I've spent enough time thinking about what can go wrong or what  the worst case scenarios are, I am and have been for a while now actually enjoying life. And to anyone who has thought about suicide or anywho who feels hopeless or stuck or in any kind of bad situation, please know that ther eis always a way for things to get better. All it takes is thinking positive and baby steps toward positivity. It doesn't happen all in one day and you will fall back at times, but you can make it. You will make it. If I can go from a 9 year old trying to jump to my death to get out of living my life to the person I am today, than you can find a way to out live your depression and actually live instead of existing.

A Rant and Life Updates (June 13th 2018)

     So I have a few updates and thoughts from the past few days, some good and some not so good. All one hundred percent true and from my heart.

I'll start with the recent public suicides. I first want to say that I hate hearing about anyone taking their own life and I want to find any way and every possible way to stop as many suicides that can be stopped. Whether it's public figures or poor people or from the US or any other country, I want to find more ways to help people who are hurting as much and quick as possible.

Now with that said, I am very upset about something that has nothing to do with the specific people who took their lives recently and absolutely has a lot to do with our society (at least the society seen on social media)

For anyone who would ever read this, there are possibly dozens or more people you know personally who struggle with giving up, who send some small potentially life or death signs out into the world that go unnoticed, but one famous person kills them self and everyone posts status' and tweets like they care...until some other news comes up and makes them forget.

     I'm not blaming anyone for the actions but I am saying that every time we make it a priority to talk about a celebrity but never even offer our friends in our own circle the chance to be that important to us, we perpetuate and keep this societal trend going...and it sucks.

I can tell you from experience that when I'm hurting and considering giving up, when I'm at my worst, it really hurts to hear close friends post multiple long dedicated posts and pictures about how their lives are changed based on the loss of a person they didn't know in a real way but never offer their real friends that same attention.

This is not an attack on any one person or an attempt to hurt anyone's feelings, I want people to think more about how much of an impact they can have on people who they actually have an impact on. Masking someone important even in a little way can be huge to them, it's free and not hard to be a little extra nice randomly.

...OK, with that out of the way, here's my life update.


So I've been taking depression medicine, estrogen, migraine medicine and allergy medicine. Sounds like a ton, right? It is. But here's the crazy thing, they're all working!



For months, I've needed to take Excedrin migraine every single day at some point because I'd feel one coming on; I haven't had to do that in almost a week, maybe more by now. And that's including a few extra stressful days at work too, big tests passed there!

Allergies have been debilitating for me and while I've still barely been outside much lately, I have been affected about 10% as much as the last few years. That's a ton when my eyes have swelled shut multiple times last year alone.

Depression is a different animal but there is still big progress since starting medicine. I have noticed that it's been easier to feel better emotionally, I've still had a few bad thoughts and bad days but not even close to the way it's been all my life before.

And last but definitely not least, the estrogen. I have noticed a very little teeny tiny bit of breast growth. While it's going so far beyond slow I guess I have to look at the positive way: it is working.

     As far as my mental state, I've had a few days where I was ready to give up and in the last month I have considered suicide a few times but the progress is I've been able to talk myself out of those
thoughts by thinking about my future and by the hope that I have in possibilities that are ahead.

I've also got back in touch with a few friends I thought were not willing to even talk to me and that's been a load off my mind. My group of friends mean and meant the world to me so to think about losing them hurts more than just about anything.




     So to finish this update, I want to share my current goals for Wednesday June 13th 2018:
* Thanks to my Awesome Aunt Caren, I'm going to work on some hair removal coming up soon!

* I'm starting to clothes shop (donations much appreciated), mainly skirts for now. I'm going to start wearing skirts to work

* I need to exercise and work on getting my weight down.

* Bible reading and praying needs to be much mor eimportant to me than it has been

* Organizing my room since I just bought a couch last week and I now have actual stuff to organize.

* I'm coloring my hair (today) and I might try to style it somehow

* I have a few writing projects and video projects that I want to work on.  I'm beyond the first step in both so I'm hoping to make progress on them soon.

* I'm trying to find a way to save money for something really big I want to do next year. Can't say what it is yet, don't want to jinx it.

Baby Steps, Baby Steps...

     If you pictured Bill Murray or Richard Dreyfuss because of the title, we can be friends.

OK so my last post detailed just how bad it can get when I get stuck in the depths of my mind and while none of that is solved or completed, I am trying to deal with those thoughts and move ahead in life. Right now the only thing I can o is take small steps toward being a tiny bit better than I was yesterday, that's how you get better from illness and that's how you become a better person.

     The funny thing is I'm learning that my transition is very much a slow and drawn out process, it's not a "I'll take a pill or a needle and tomorrow I'll be completely done and ready to go out into the world as a finished product." I'm learning that as I transition physically, I'm changing mentally and spiritually and emotionally probably a lot more than any physical difference that even will occur (and that's a lot since I'm going to eventually look very differently)

     A week ago, I was feeling ready to pack it in and give up on life, I felt dead alive. The Walking Dead has a deep theory that the zombies are not the walking dead, the people are.

I felt/feel like I'm walking dead at times and whether it's because I'm losing friends or because the stress of work is too great or because I don't have a life or because I let anxiety take my ambition away or...about a thousand other things, I don't even see myself as 'alive' most of the time.

     Well, I've been trying to take some baby steps lately. As of May 26th 2018, I started on anti depressants. My first day went decently and today (Sunday the 27th) was rather eventless so you could call it a not bad day.  I hung out with a very good friend for a while and that was great but aside from that, I basically sat around all day.

I got off topic there...

So baby steps:

     I started taking medicine, I have taught myself how to do things that anxiety has stopped me from (like using the phone for a long time), I've been trying to change my attitude and the way I think about certain things, I've been trying to do things for other people more and I've been trying to take attention away from negativity in my own head and focus more on positive things.

I wish I had some answers to these attempts or deeper thoughts but I either just started or just re started these so only time will tell how I deal with everything. I can say I have hope and despite the things that could push me over  the edge, I am focusing on the future and on helping others...I pray that God shows me what my path is and that I remember Him in my thoughts more and more.

Thanks for attention, please feel free to share your thoughts or experiences. 

They Can't All be Good Days, Right?

     

     So it's been a few days since I last wrote in this and that's not a good thing. I created this diary to express my most inner demons and reveal to myself (and others who may be going through something similar) and while I believe I've made some monster strides in the way of progress, it's not all sunshine and roses in the depths of my mind. So this is a warning that it's going to get kinda dark in this entry.

     The last few weeks haven't been good. I haven't spent time with anyone and I've been masking the negative by smiling but it turns out that masking demons NEVER works for me. Ever.
So I recently lost a large portion of my friends and my entire support system, the same group that has kept me alive at times.

The same group that has taught me more than anyone else ever has, combined. And that is monumental, vast...enormous to me. Nearly impossible for me to just move on from and unlike a toxic relationship, this group was and is a good group. I refuse to treat them like they're  anything less than great...even though this situation is hurting me more than almost anything I've been through in my time here on earth.

     And as much as I wish I could say, "But even through this, I've overcome...I've succeeded in...I' haven't let that get me down...etc." But the truth is my transition and my psyche and my enjoyment has been at a very low for weeks now.

I've been depressed, I've considered what if I stop my transition, I've thought about is it worth going through this giant change and I've also thought hard about ending myself to fix the entire situation. I
heard that someone who was decently close to me who told a friend that they don't want me around their kids. But we're still friends. That makes me feel like a monster, a monster that shouldn't be in society...a feeling I've identified with for a very long time; something that I used to feel the need to prote4ct everyone by not subjecting them to my existence. I thought of myself as Angel from the old tv show.

     Angel, for those who don't know of the show, was a vampire with a soul. Played by David Boreanaz, the character was good but everyone who got close to him ended up getting hurt or killed.
He saw that and started being mean to those he cared about so they'd go away and he watched them from afar, always seeing that their lives were better without him in it.

There's one specific part of the series where he had a son and his son was so messed up by having a father who's a vampire that his life was just awful. So Angel had a chance through some television magic to erase his son's memories of being his son; he lived in a household where he had a normal life in a family that was like the stereotypical happy family.

Angel loved his son, Connor, so much that he erased himself from Connor's life...Connor was happy and had a good life...because Angel wasn't a part of it.

Now, I know it's just a silly tv show and there was insanely terrible story lines (like Angel turning into a puppet, no lie...smh) but the character's inner struggles have resonated with me from the first time I watched the show. And the ironic part of this is I always felt like a monster because I was this fake thing that had to hide what I truly was; getting away from the metaphorical here:

I had this female persona who I treated like an evil Jekyll that came out when I couldn't hold in the energy (only when I was alone). I  hated that inside, I had all these feminine desires and thoughts and hopes and dreams, I hated that I wasn't 'one of the guys' like ever and when I tried nothing ever went well.

So I would stay away from people I cared about and I'd end up going back and forth. One minute I meet someone and get to know then, I'd spend time with them and realize that, "Hey, this person is really cool. Hmm...I hope I don't ruin their life...I should do them a favor and back away..."

And because I'm not awkward in the least, I'd back away in THE MOST IMPERFECT MOMENT EVER and it would be just the worst. And adding to that the fact that I had a giant problem knowing what to say a lot as a kid (...and now), I didn't ever explain what was happening even when I explained it I didn't explain myself.

So for most of my life, the reason I did this was because I was lying about who I was and so now I'm trying to embrace the person I am inside...and here I am considering suicide again...because I lost just about any outside communication, that fellowship that customers don't give me and facebook doesn't give me and texting isn't enough of.

Last week, I was back to that point where I had to convince myself not to end myself that day...and I had to try very very hard to convince myself. The end result of that mental debate was only won because I didn't have the means to do anything serious. It's kinda like I was too lazy to kill myself and my brain made that so strong that I didn't do it. I'm also very scared of pain.

     I'm trying to put things in my life that might talk myself into being excited about the future, I'm trying. I'm scared of the future, I'm scared of being alone, I'd rather die and the possibility of being so alone (like I have been lately), it's real convincing of as future of only having customers as 'friends' which is the most fake kind of friendships. I hate being fake, I hate being a liar and I hate being alone.

A few friends who have stuck by me have been truly life saving, even through these terrible thoughts. I'm trying to make plans for next year and I'm trying to do things that are future motivated, I'm hoping that the good can outweigh the bad here...cauuse I need it to.

Last thoughts:
     I haven't been praying or reading my bible lately and I don't like that. I need to take the baggage I gave Him off and try to really lean on my God. I want to do things that are fruitful and things that benefit others and I need God to do that. Isaiah 63:9 says "in all their affliction, He was afflicted," ad I want Him to rejoice because I rejoice in the future. Pray for me, if you don't believe then you're not doing anyhting but taking a few minuites to do something for me and I appreciate that. Just say outloud, "Help him." that's enough for my God to hear...cause I need help.

Thanks.

The OTHER Other Side

     Let's talk about transgendered people and the arguments surrounding that whole topic. Now, I need to make this clear that I'm not going to say things that are completely and universally right with no room for any other potions, I am speaking from my point of view and the logic presented to me; I hold the right to change my perspective when shown truths, lies or something more.

     The biggest religious debate I hear is Deuteronomy 22:5

Deuteronomy 22:5 says,
"The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God." (KJV)
Taken at just that, it sounds very much like the bible is taking a black and white stance against women wearing men's clothes, which in principle opposes transgenderism in at least appearance. IF you take it at just that one line, that is. The thing about interpreting biblical philosophies is that cross referencing and reading full portions is more important than taking sound bytes or tiny portions that seem to say concrete facts. 

For every truth in the bible, there are multiple sections that explain or expound on whatever it is that's being talked about. And in this exact reference, people 
think this is God's way of saying women should not wear men's clothes and vice versa. But in fact, reading thew whole chapter, it does not mention men wearing women's clothes or women wearing men's clothes anywhere else. What it does reference is respect and responsibility by talking about a person finding his brother's animal and not keeping it and helping their brother's animal (ox) if it falls down instead of not helping. 

The main principle being taught, if you read the chapter in full and see many concordances, explains the principle of not getting away from your own responsibility. A man should not act like a woman to get away from the rsponsibilities that are his and samer thing for a woman. 

This is not about transdgendered people and even if it did mean men shouldn't wear women's clothes, trans people aren't simply cross dressing so the issue is not even covered without context. And there's nothing else that tackles cross dressing for it's own sake or people who have to deal with feeling or desiring to be the other gender (I'm not talking about sexual preference here at all)

     Another issue the physical vs the emotional.

By that I mean trans people are emotionally not accepting what they physically are. And while physically our bodies are what they are and chromosomes are what they are, that's not all there is to it.

Studies have shown that trans people often (nothing is unanimous, almost ever) have closer brain functions to the sex they feel and act like more than the sex they were born.

It is also recognized in the DSM as gender identity disorder and while some may take offense to that, it does acknowledge that it's more than just an issue of people not accepting what they are. There are many articles and studies that prove that there is more than just people who are emotionally making a snap decision.

And then there is the other side of the emotional argument, the side I come from most often. When I tell people about me (the real me, that is), the first thing I explain is that I've been suicidal all my life and for the first time..I'm not. I'm not saying I don't suffer from suicidal thoughts ever but a really big weight has been lifted off my chest and I've been actually happy while learning how to freely live my life.

And that may be over emotional or not completely logical and it may go against my chromosomes but to not want to die is one of the biggest things I've ever experienced. I use this as a strategy when talking to someone who disagrees with transitioning because emotions are a very big part of what I'm going through.

     We're all trying to be happy during our short time on earth, other stuff happens and others take some of that happiness but overall we want to be happy. I want that too.

Problems With No Solution

     So today I sat in my room all day, didn't attempt to hurt myself or sit here and hat eon myself till I wanted to die but I did do something that I don't know how to handle. I sat here, on my bed and felt scared. Scared to leave the room, scared to do something, scared to not do anything...just scared. I don't know why and I don't know what to do to work on that.

First thing is I have a problem being seen. I have no idea why or where that comes from. My room mate, who  is my land lord and a very good guy, is in his living room often and for I-have-no-idea-why I feel terrified to leave when he's there. I know for a fact that at worst, he'll ask how I'm doing.

I've lived with some not decent people and I've lived with some of the greatest people I have ever met, the thing in common is I have had this same problem. I lived with a family of people that did not judge me on a daily basis but there were many days that I felt like there was a brick wall keeping my door locked and I had no way to open it. They were cheerful, polite, helpful and I was terrified of them at times.

     I've been trying to identify the things that keep me in the dark places emotionally/mentally and usually I at least know what I need to do; I just don't know how to work through this. I mean, I know "Just go outside. Just walk out and beat that feeling." but I can't explain how many times I've walked to my door and just could not turn the handle.

     I do know that being heard or seen scares me. I do know that the feeling of being seen the moment I walk into someone's view makes me want to throw up sometimes or it just hurts to interrupt anyone. Like I feel like I'm a little kid and I'm getting in someone's way with everything I do. Other times, I feel that same feeling I get when I did something wrong and I don't know how bad they're going to punish me. This is the feeling:

          When I worked at a previous job, one specific day I pretended to not know I was on schedule and I was in Philadelphia with a bunch of friends. So I got a call and answered, saying I misread the schedule. Said boss was irate and told me to be in within a half hour and my response was, "I'm hours away with no way to get back." I heard the phone click and I went about my day, I already was in as much trouble as I could be so I enjoyed the rest of my time in Philly. My next work day though, I walked in feeling like I was a talking mouse trying to not be caught by scientists or something. I was so scared to clock in and do my job, rightfully so.

That feeling, waiting for that exact boss to see me for the first time that day was the same gut feeling I get sometimes when just walking out of my room.

     So now I am sitting here looking back at a completely wasted day and I'm angry that I barely did anything I needed to or wanted to do. I did a very little bit of cleaning but could have done a lot more. And this is part of a psychological deeper issue that I hope to understand more abot and figure out how to work on the root of it.

     If you analyze things, help me out. If you pray, pray for me. If you worship satan...I don't want help from him but I appreciate any kind owrds from you. If you're a Penguins fan...there's no hope for you, I'll pray for you. Thanks everyone.