Unintentional Learning

     I have this memory, from whenever I was in school and I walked into a lunch room. Not just one specific time but many, many times throughout many different schools and across so many stages of my life. I would walk in to a full or filling lunch room and see groups of friends sitting down; talking or laughing or showing each other something they think their friends like. Kids would walk in behind me and be called to, motioned to sit next to friends. I'd see some kids sitting down without being asked, because they didn't have to be called over or ask to sit down and I remember watching that be cool with whomever they sat by.

...then there was me...

Each second became harder, somehow, to find a place to belong. I tried so hard to just be invisible so I could survey the area without being noticed. But as I have learned, I can't will myself to be unseen. I felt the awkward pouring over me, I felt kids' eyes hitting me and I felt the panic of the fact that even though I looked out of place; like I just needed ONE person (not friend, because...what's that) to pity me and ask me to sit with them...they didn't care.

All that I just explained took seconds, maybe a minute in real time but to me every single time that happened it was longer than any clock had to show. And it wasn't the fact that I was awkward that hurt so much, it wasn't that I needed to sit or even that I had no friends (most of the time at least) It was the fact that no one cared enough for real to help me out of that misery. Even people who claimed to be 'my friend' didn't care if I was going through those torturous moments.

So I learned that I was able to make myself invisible. My superpower, right?! There were times when I would stand in a corner of a cafeteria, lean against a wall and eat my lunch and not one person would say a word to me. I wish I could say this is just a metaphor or an exaggerated example of things that happened but this has happened to me many times, in real life. And it hurt worse every time I went through it.

     If that was just a memory and I was hurt but learned from it, that's cool. But it affected me in a pretty big way. Dissecting what that did to me:

-I learned that there's no sympathy for people like that (like me) and for some time I was actually scared that I might be a sociopath because I developed the ability to just not care, like there was some switch and I found a way to turn it off.

-I learned that I don't matter to people. I heard people talk about how they could never just ignore someone when they have no friends but those were some of the same people who saw me standing there and had absolutely no emotional reaction to seeing someone on the brink of panic attacks or on the verge of giving up and they didn't even flinch. If they can't handle seeing someone in pain and don't have even an inkling of emotion when they see me...they're not the problem, I am.

-I learned to avoid groups all together or to show that I don't want to be in groups.

-I learned to hide from social situations and eventually I learned to hide from situations that hurt me the same way, even when it wasn't as bad as I thought it felt like it to me and it hurt the same as if it was the worst case scenario.

-I learned to shut down when an overwhelming amount of emotional weight hit me the way it did then.

     And these are just a few things that I unintentionally leanred from those seemingly small moments. Those teachings have bled into areas of my life that I am told regularly "You need to just stop." except there's no second part to those commands, the part that explains how to 'just stop' and I'm left learning that I'm not good enough even stronger...like a terrible truth on steroids. HULK SMASH all over me again and again.

How To Social

     OH.MY.GOSH. I got a big ol' lesson today in

HOW TO BE BAD AT SOCIALIZING 101

     So here's the story: I have a friend who I haven't seen since my high school days, he was one of the most loyal and real friends I had. As a kid, he could never sit still and as an adult he's exactly the same; he works hard and does what he loves. He's built a great life for himself and I'm super proud of what he has become, knowing where he came from.

With all that said, I am absolutely horrible at being social ESPECIALLY around people I'm not completely comfortable with AM good at being social around people I am comfortable around...oh nonono. I can be just as bad at socializing with great friends as I am with new people or old friends. One thing you can say about me is I'm an equal opportunities antisocial introvert. I'm introverted around ANYONE and EVERYONE.

Back story out of the way, here's the current events:
     I called my old friend (something I'm sure he didn't know was a special act, I HAAAAATE talking on the phone) and asked if he was free; he was. So I went to his house and walked into his back yard, trying to act comfortable somewhere new and uncommon.

He was working on an engine he just bought and had a few friends around, I immediately lost any ability to fake any sense of confidence. I have absolutely nothing to contribute to a conversation when cars are the main topic AND I am absolutely terrible in a new group. The perfect storm for me to become the silent nobody I used to be.

I stood there and tried my hardest to not look like I was the most uncomfortable person in the entire city, trying to think of questions that make me sound like I know anything about cars but after 2 questions I was out of ideas.

I have this habit of going to say something and either being too quiet to be heard or just backing out all together but my hands. mannerisms or gestures don't get that message and I look like I'm doing sign language for an invisible class...not exactly a confidence boost when anyone around sees that and calls me out; I got really lucky and caught myself today but felt really dumb and got even quieter after that.

     So I stood there while my old friend and his friends talked about stuff, just about all of it was stuff I have absolutely nothing I know about or could relate to in any way so I ended up just standing there listening to everyone talk. The only thing that kept me from openly curling up in a ball on the floor was they had 2 dogs I played with as much as they would let me.

After standing there for about a half hour, I tried about 16 times to muster up the courage to say I had  to leave. Finally, my voice came through and everyone was surprised that I made a sound and I said I had to go. Everyone there was very nice but I felt like I was intruding and left as quick as I possibly could. As I was making my way to the train all I could think was, "I DO NOT SOCIAL."

Things like that make me never want to be around humans ever again and the worst part is no one else did anything wrong or  rude or even remotely intimidating; I'm just beyond fragile at anything I don't have full confidence in...great.

     Life update:

-I've been on estradiol for almost 3 months now and I see almost no physical change...bummer. In about 2 weeks I go in for another Dr's appointment and I think I'll be starting testosterone blockers so that should be a game changer. My Dr said that starting estrogen first and then adding testosterone blockers shortly after would develop breast tissue best and benefit me most in my transition, I really really hope so.

-I have had an idea for a book/film for a very long time that I have recently been inspired to retry to create. I've been working on the timeline and figuring out the skeleton of the character's stories; I'm pretty excited to feel motivated to get even some of it from my head to paper. It's fun creating a world and this one is kinda deep.

-I just started a semi diet. I am starting slow by taking out some of the junk food I eat, making a cut off time at night when I can't eat and trying to have smaller portions when I do eat. It's been a week now and I've broken my rules a few times but so far it's been okay. My goal is to lose some of my belly fat.

I Dreamt a Dream Last Night

     I had a dream last night, Friday February 16th, 2018:

I was in the middle of a dream about my church starting a petting zoo full of very interesting animals. There were giant owls and all kinds of furry things that were very nice to kids and in the middle of it, two guys started to have a catch. They made a competition of it and were having fun  when I saw two girls walking and arguing. One was holding a hockey stick and I yelled to everyone at the zoo, "Hey! I'm having a memory! Stop. That's a memory,.not a dream."

The entire zoo art my church and the two guys having a catch and everyone at my church stopped as if they were all on break at a job while I walked toward these two girls, one was a tall girl with red hair and the other was a shorter girl with dirty blonde hair, and they were arguing over who gets to keep a hockey stick. It was my old hockey stick and the shorter girl was someone I dated a very long time ago, a girl I loved very deeply.

They were yelling and the shorter girl was crying while the taller girl was just angry; I interrupted them, "Hey, hey. You can stop fighting. Please stop fighting or being sad." The tall girl dropped the stick and I continued, "You both get to be happy. You both get to get what you want, you get to be happy in your life. Without me."

The tall girl looked bored with the conversation and walked away uncaringly. The shorter girl was crying and didn't understand, "You get to have what you want, and be really truly happy." I said calmly.

She tried to come close enough to me to hug or something, looking for some kind of affection but I stopped her respectfully, "You get to have what you want, you get to really be happy. You get to." She was calming down and starting to understand the gravity of my words, realizing I meant in her future and not that I was just dumping her or something like that.

"And...I'm gonna be a girl." she looked shocked and confused by that. She stopped crying completely and slowly was growing into the idea that she was going to get to be happy. She didn't even ask about what I said about myself, she just accepted that and was walking away from me.

I remember feeling sad that she was walking away, not because I wanted her to stay with me but that I didn't want to be alone. She walked far enough that I couldn't see her anymore and the whole time, she was getting happier and happier.

Then I woke up. Feeling nostalgic and really sad and kinda happy for her in a depressing way and lonely. Lonely.