The Horizons, They are Definitely Interesting

     Well, I'm coming back. This is indeed going to be a much more positive entry than before and I am happy to admit (yes, admit. It's actually really hard for me to claim positive accomplishments and positive...anything really) that things are on a wildly progressive or uplifting. Simply put, things are going good.

The routine I've used here is to talk about my feelings, problems or thoughts and then give a life update. And since I'm a slave to tradition, that's how I'm gonna roll today. So...

So I've been working on gathering intangible things that I've needed for so long.
   I've gotten myself a decent job that suits me perfectly right now. I have a little bit of freedom with a flexible and fairly open schedule and I am doing things that are actively teaching me a lot.

   I am getting my health insurance back and will get back on the medicine that helped me before so much in my ability to be productive.

Not my actual new glasses

   I got glasses, which has made it possible for me to do my job and also has helped me in so many ways I didn't understand before I had them. It sounds like a no brainer but for so long I had no choice and just had to deal with my very very poor sight. And I made it...barely. I missed a lot more than I realized.

   I started going to the gym and have been dedicating regular time to it. This has been a great encouragement to be able to get there 5 days a week or more I have always struggled with ambition and motivation for some reason. I used to picture it like there were bottles in every person's body and each one was filled with motivation or ambition or talent or abilities or other things like that and mine was broken and nothing could cause mine to actually fill up fully/stay filled for more than a very little bit. This made sense because for years even when I had things to look forward to or had clear goals ahead, I'd still lose the ability to stay motivated enough to fight for things I needed to fight for.

   One small thing that may seem so minute or not worth mentioning is drawing. For the lat few weeks, I've been getting to work about 2 hours early, sitting in my break room and drawing abstract
art till it's time to clock in. The reasons it's so big for me are: it gives me time to cool down, gets any bad vibes out of my head and gives me time to breathe and relax before work. This practice truly has given me an ability to deal with things much better than before. The therapeutic results of putting my pen to paper is a big reason I'm able to do the next positive thing as well right now.

   I've been able to handle and deal with negative things that pop up. Friday morning on my way to work (it's about a 2 mile bike ride from the train to my job) I ran over what turned out to be a GIANT piece of glass and my tire instantly popped. That kind of thing could put me down in so many ways

and in the past that has been the kind of thing that would cause a depression and a slide into the worst. I've closed myself even deeper into the darkness that eats away at me, many things at a time. I've been unable to go to work or call and felt so confined in the darkest place in my mind and lose everything quickly.

Friday, I walked to work (justifiably angrily), went in, worked, called a bike place near where I live, left my bike there and had my cousin pick it up later and moved on with my life. I got it fixed Saturday morning and it even ended up costing about half the price I expected.

The thing I'm taking away from that situation is I didn't shut down emotionally, I dealt with it and didn't let it ruin my mood...after about an hour anyway; I was sooo ready to fight anyone that walked near me for a little bit.

   And here's the most surprising thing I've dealt with recently; a person who was my boss at an old job reached out to me. At first I wanted to let this person know all the negative things I had to say and be brutally honest in telling former boss every angry thought I had from when we worked together.

Here's a quick recap of why I wanted to jump on the chance to say some stuff to former boss:

     I worked at a job not too long ago where I was pushed to limits in ways I saw as very unfair and very mean. Certain managers were doing things both on a personal level and on a professional level that made my job beyond just difficult and frankly hurt my feelings.

I'm being vague because though I had a very bad 

time at the hands of certain people, I don't 

think it's right to bad mouth someone and it's 

even worse to talk about them when they have no 

way to defend their actions at the moment. I didn't 

and still don't know the while story and I'm 

not trying to say that because things were 

really bad then, they are bad people. 

Back to the story...

So this person sent me a friend request, so to speak, on social media and I was shocked. The last time I had any communication with this boss, I was scheduled to work one morning and I saw that they cut my hours so much that I wasn't going to be able to pay bills...so I walked out and that was the end of my time at that job. Three years there and I just walked out without saying a word.

I got the request and my first thought was, "Oooh now I can say all the stuff I wanted to say before!" I was ready to demolish that person and leave them with a mic drop message. I smartly took a little bit of time before responding and calmed down a little; I messaged that person later that night and I was brutally honest in questioning the friendship request but I didn't attack or say "all the things I wanted to say" but instead just questioned if the request was by accident.

They responded and basically said they missed me as a friend and they understood my somewhat angry message, causing me to asses what I was really mad about. Since the day I walked out, my life has gotten better and enough time had passed that any repercussions from everything that happened then was over.

I thought about this:

     I could have gotten all the brutal things out to them in that message. I could have told my former boss off without any worry about that person impacting my schedule/pay. I could have said anything to them and felt like I "won" but what then? Then that person either responds with anger and fights back or they walk away being beaten. That person took a chance at possibly being rejected by being the one to request a connection and they were at least more vulnerable (though it's a very small way, they were).

I thought about what I would gain by getting back at them now and it left me with a temporary good feeling and an empty feeling when I considered after that one response. I don't want to be like that, I actually got along really well that person before things went really badly and I would be closing the door on any chance at a friendship ever. Winning has never been my hope in life, just like making money has never been a motivation for me.

So after the initial message, I explained that I was just shocked by the request. I told that person that I can put the past behind me and I'd like to be friends. And at the end of a few more messages back and forth, we are gonna hang out. I could have held a grudge and lost a potential friend...but why? What would that do for me as a person?

I'd rather let go of that stupid grudge and re-connect with a person who was a good friend at one time. I won in such a more real and deeper way and I'm actually really happy about that. Also, I found out after I sent that first message that I have become so good at cutting people out of my life that I put that person in a box in my mind without thinking. When I gave myself a moment to actually feel, I realized I missed them and didn't WANT to cut them out.

Sometimes, I do things on autopilot that I might not actually want to but because it becomes the routine, I do it.

     At this very moment (Saturday May 25th 2019) I am 17 days away from my first big vacation. I, along with two good friends, am going to Hawaii and I could not be more excited! I also have plans to go to see the Grand Canyon in November and a BIG trip in 2022...but that's another story for another time.

Work has been really good and I'm moving about two blocks away some time in the near future. I have been fine tuning daily routines such as when I get to work, what I eat and my workout routine. The more I sharpen my life in little ways, the better I have become as a person.

I'm so close to getting my health insurance back and once I do, I'll be able to take medicine I need, migraine medicine and allergy meds.

I've been working on my YouTube future plans, I'm really excited about getting my vision out of my head and into the digital world. I have some decent plans that I hope I can share with the YouTube world and possibly find some way to gain a following. I'm gathering episodes now and I'm currently looking for guests who want to get their story and knowledge out there for fans to watch and relate to or learn from. It's gonna be good!

And finally I'm trying to figure out how to be happy, like actually happy Through my gender issues and understanding how to do things I want to do for myself, I've been trying to make myself a better person. I've been working on small things from training my voice, learning how to makeup better and better and how to accept compliments to big things like lose weight and eat better. So far so good. 

     The best thing to happen today is I finally gave in and signed up for my own internet so hopefully I won't be left in the dark like I have for the last few weeks.  Hopefully you'll be hearing from me more through this blog, instagram and YouTube (Knock on wood)

An Origin Story

     The Suicide Journal has been a very important part of my life for a very long time. Origin story incoming...wait for it...

Many years ago, I had a plan. A plan I'm not proud of nor do I suggest anyone make a similar plan or even consider planning their own end; I made a plan to end myself and make others feel bad for not being good to me all rolled into one spectacular night that would change lives and cause a lot of pain.

I wrote down a note that began as a suicide note and was thinking about how bad I could hurt those who hurt me and in the process, I tried to explain why I ended myself (since the note wouldn't be read until after anything happened, I wrote it in past tense). The explanation  contained things I didn't know I had in me, a desire not to die but to be happy. 

It's easy for someone who hasn't been through suicidal thoughts or convincing depression issues to read that statement that I wanted to be happy and think, "Well DUH!" I understand where that response comes from in a happy life but I can't truly relate, I've never felt that just like those people have never experienced actual depression or suicidal tendencies. So to think I just want to end everything or hurt those who hurt me made full and total sense until that note.

I wrote the words, "I wish I could have found a way to be happy..." and at that moment I realized that the surface truth was I wanted to stop the pain and depression but the deep down truth; the truth I didn't believe I could ever attain wasn't just to stop pain.  I wanted to...I want to be happy. I want to feel comfort and not constant worry or sadness.

It may sound crazy but that note made me think hard and stop the planning, I ended up trying to think about what would put me in the direction of 'happy' It was a very hard night and a very confusing mental debate that night.

     Skipping a few years ahead, my Uncle Mike passed away and I didn't know what to do or how to feel. I was lost, I was hurt, I was...I don't know, I was nearly ready to give up. I wrote down some things in a small note book that I couldn't tell anyone else and in a very weird way I wrote things I didn't know was in my mind. 

The next day, I wrote more. I wrote a letter to my uncle and asked if it was wrong to talk to the dead or to wish I was with dead people; I know that's morbid and I AM NOT SAYING IT'S GOOD TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THESE KINDS OF TERRIBLE THOUGHTS but having them is something worth expressing. I knew I needed to get these thoughts out and started writing every time I felt the need to.                                                                                                                                                                                After a while I realized I formed journal-like entries and scratched "The Suicide Journal" on the front of that notebook.After that I started trying to dissect my feelings and pain, trying to figure out why I was hurt by things that hurt me and why I felt certain feelings. I knew and know that I never wish the pain of feeling suicidal on even my worst enemies and if anyone ever reads my words and is encouraged in any way, it's worth sharing. That became most of my goal and definitely why I started typing and publicly posting my words for others to read.

It's not to glorify suicide or to ever again write an actual suicide note (that's actually a terrifying thought to me), it's to spread the word that if you feel that endlessly scary and terrible feeling of wanting to end it all, you're not alone and those feelings are not real; no matter how convincing they are.

I hope to share The Suicide Journal for a very long time and also share the hope that more people in this world need. If you're reading this, I thank you for investing time in reading and please please know that your time and life is valuable. Never forget that. 

Unintentional Learning

     I have this memory, from whenever I was in school and I walked into a lunch room. Not just one specific time but many, many times throughout many different schools and across so many stages of my life. I would walk in to a full or filling lunch room and see groups of friends sitting down; talking or laughing or showing each other something they think their friends like. Kids would walk in behind me and be called to, motioned to sit next to friends. I'd see some kids sitting down without being asked, because they didn't have to be called over or ask to sit down and I remember watching that be cool with whomever they sat by.

...then there was me...

Each second became harder, somehow, to find a place to belong. I tried so hard to just be invisible so I could survey the area without being noticed. But as I have learned, I can't will myself to be unseen. I felt the awkward pouring over me, I felt kids' eyes hitting me and I felt the panic of the fact that even though I looked out of place; like I just needed ONE person (not friend, because...what's that) to pity me and ask me to sit with them...they didn't care.

All that I just explained took seconds, maybe a minute in real time but to me every single time that happened it was longer than any clock had to show. And it wasn't the fact that I was awkward that hurt so much, it wasn't that I needed to sit or even that I had no friends (most of the time at least) It was the fact that no one cared enough for real to help me out of that misery. Even people who claimed to be 'my friend' didn't care if I was going through those torturous moments.

So I learned that I was able to make myself invisible. My superpower, right?! There were times when I would stand in a corner of a cafeteria, lean against a wall and eat my lunch and not one person would say a word to me. I wish I could say this is just a metaphor or an exaggerated example of things that happened but this has happened to me many times, in real life. And it hurt worse every time I went through it.

     If that was just a memory and I was hurt but learned from it, that's cool. But it affected me in a pretty big way. Dissecting what that did to me:

-I learned that there's no sympathy for people like that (like me) and for some time I was actually scared that I might be a sociopath because I developed the ability to just not care, like there was some switch and I found a way to turn it off.

-I learned that I don't matter to people. I heard people talk about how they could never just ignore someone when they have no friends but those were some of the same people who saw me standing there and had absolutely no emotional reaction to seeing someone on the brink of panic attacks or on the verge of giving up and they didn't even flinch. If they can't handle seeing someone in pain and don't have even an inkling of emotion when they see me...they're not the problem, I am.

-I learned to avoid groups all together or to show that I don't want to be in groups.

-I learned to hide from social situations and eventually I learned to hide from situations that hurt me the same way, even when it wasn't as bad as I thought it felt like it to me and it hurt the same as if it was the worst case scenario.

-I learned to shut down when an overwhelming amount of emotional weight hit me the way it did then.

     And these are just a few things that I unintentionally leanred from those seemingly small moments. Those teachings have bled into areas of my life that I am told regularly "You need to just stop." except there's no second part to those commands, the part that explains how to 'just stop' and I'm left learning that I'm not good enough even stronger...like a terrible truth on steroids. HULK SMASH all over me again and again.

Now vs. Then

   
Yesterday signifies something really big for me, something I've been waiting for for a very long time:
    I have officially started HRT! I went through a lot of scary scenarios in the last 2 months and thought I might not have been able to but after a cardiologist visit and many tests I am started on estrogen FINALLY!

     It's funny because people who I've told about myself have known for about 2 years, maybe a little more but for me it's been like 31 years that I've been dealing with this and waiting for this. I understand some people thinking I'm making an impulsive decision or that I am not thinking this through thoroughly but I can remember being 7 years old, watching little girls in class or passing me in a mall or wherever and just wishing so hard that I could live the life she had.

     So this gave me a thought, throughout my life what is the now vs. then comparison in many ways. For example, when I was about 15 I moved to my Uncle's house; at that time where I was mentally and what I wanted in life and what I thought was SOO vastly different for what I am today.

     Back then: God was absolutely not a thought to me. Back then politics was something I avoided at all cost (probably because I didn't want to have to actually learn something) and back then I thought every single person in life was either a drunk or abused by a drunk, so why try to succeed.

     Now: God has been a very important aspect of my life (while I do not have the greatest relationship with Him and I have my doubts and fears, God ha played a huge part in my life in every single way), Politics have become very important to me (learning where or country is going and who is trying to gain power in the world is not only important to me but necessary) and I have successfully made it through college and have brought myself back from being homeless at times and have done what it takes to get far from that drunk mentality.

     Back then: When I was young, like 7 or 8, I did everything I could to hide any thoughts of femininity at all. I ignored and pretended to be someone I was not so hard that it affected me on a deep level. Anything I did that wasn't "typically male" was hidden from everyone no matter what and I did things and played with toys and talked about things that I internally hated just to pretend I was what I was supposed to be.

     Now: Since opening up to those close to me about my true self, I have honestly been feeling like a human. I have been slowly opening up more and more and letting myself feel comfort in my regular life that I've never been able to feel at all ever before.

It reminds me of this: clench a muscle, now hold it for an hour. Imagine at that point, the people you trust or should trust the most tell you that you're a sick monster if you unclench that muscle and you're told society knows that unclenching that muscle is just wrong and never okay ever. So hold it clenched for a day, a week and a year.


Now unclench it and feel that comfortable feeling...that's what I'm slowly feeling right now. It's almost scary even though it's been at least respected as a decision I've already made but it feels like I'm actually allowed to be relaxed in that way. Ever.

It's not just freeing, it's like having that muscle back or in my case, having that muscle for the first time.
There was an episode of House MD that displayed this philosophy, a Canadian soldier was angry and messing with House and one day House broke into his house and helped him to unclench a muscle, it was actually an arm that he lost in war; when he lost it it was clenched hard and he never lost that feeling till House showed him how to relax that phantom pain

     Back then: I walked around looking at everyone, kinda studying everyone else and wondering
why I couldn't be a normal standard male human. It made me think I was an alien or a freak or like an Xman but with no cool powers. I often held that against myself and sometimes I held it against friends and treated them badly; I tried to copy what others did but like pinterest attempts, that usually went hilariously bad...nailed it.

 I thought of myself as the one that  was meant to just be made fun of and left out and the odd man out...so to speak. No other male friends wanted so badly to wear and do makeup, no other male Friends wanted to dress and look pretty while hating...despising being considered handsome or manly. And no other male friends of mine as a kid were just so sad because they had to pretend to like GI Joe's or Transformers, they all loved it and it was clear.

     Now: In the last few months, I've been slowly working more things in my life that I truly enjoy and taking out things I don't. It's been a lot of fun growing my hair out and wearing nail polish and wearing small amounts of makeup then seeing how people do or do not notice these little changes. I think it's in the best interest for me and for the people around me that I respect that I make slow changes and kinda allow us all to accept these changes little by little. It's kinda like growth, we didn't wake up one day as full grown adults and I am kinda treating this like that. It's for myself to slowly be able to enjoy and understand what I'm doing fully as much as it is for my friends and those I consider family to take it in slowly.

I don't think it would help anyone else to see me one day just wearing a dress the day after wearing khaki pants and looking the way I regularly look; the culture shock isn't worth the ripple it would create especially when there is a way that I can do what I want and need to but do it in a way to avoid that potentially rude and harmful quick jump into femininity.

 I'm not saying that anyone else should not do that, every single case of someone coming out as gay or trans or nonbinary should be taking as a 
special and delicate situation and treated based on what's going on in THAT situation specifically. No two situations are exactly alike nor should they be handled the same just because another person's situation went a certain way.

     So today is the first day of me living the life I feel I deserve, it's not going to be easy and it's going to bring a lot of problems that I will need to deal with and learn on the fly how to handle but it's the life I know I will actually feel like it's worth living and I hope anyone who is struggling can find a way to get to the point where they're living a life worth living to them.

     To anyone who has kept up with my diary, I can't thank you enough and I want you to know that through my suicidal issues and through my depression and through my bad times, I know at the end of the day I don't want to die or be miserable; I want to be happy and be okay. And I'm trying.

Thank you.