The Horizons, They are Definitely Interesting

     Well, I'm coming back. This is indeed going to be a much more positive entry than before and I am happy to admit (yes, admit. It's actually really hard for me to claim positive accomplishments and positive...anything really) that things are on a wildly progressive or uplifting. Simply put, things are going good.

The routine I've used here is to talk about my feelings, problems or thoughts and then give a life update. And since I'm a slave to tradition, that's how I'm gonna roll today. So...

So I've been working on gathering intangible things that I've needed for so long.
   I've gotten myself a decent job that suits me perfectly right now. I have a little bit of freedom with a flexible and fairly open schedule and I am doing things that are actively teaching me a lot.

   I am getting my health insurance back and will get back on the medicine that helped me before so much in my ability to be productive.

Not my actual new glasses

   I got glasses, which has made it possible for me to do my job and also has helped me in so many ways I didn't understand before I had them. It sounds like a no brainer but for so long I had no choice and just had to deal with my very very poor sight. And I made it...barely. I missed a lot more than I realized.

   I started going to the gym and have been dedicating regular time to it. This has been a great encouragement to be able to get there 5 days a week or more I have always struggled with ambition and motivation for some reason. I used to picture it like there were bottles in every person's body and each one was filled with motivation or ambition or talent or abilities or other things like that and mine was broken and nothing could cause mine to actually fill up fully/stay filled for more than a very little bit. This made sense because for years even when I had things to look forward to or had clear goals ahead, I'd still lose the ability to stay motivated enough to fight for things I needed to fight for.

   One small thing that may seem so minute or not worth mentioning is drawing. For the lat few weeks, I've been getting to work about 2 hours early, sitting in my break room and drawing abstract
art till it's time to clock in. The reasons it's so big for me are: it gives me time to cool down, gets any bad vibes out of my head and gives me time to breathe and relax before work. This practice truly has given me an ability to deal with things much better than before. The therapeutic results of putting my pen to paper is a big reason I'm able to do the next positive thing as well right now.

   I've been able to handle and deal with negative things that pop up. Friday morning on my way to work (it's about a 2 mile bike ride from the train to my job) I ran over what turned out to be a GIANT piece of glass and my tire instantly popped. That kind of thing could put me down in so many ways

and in the past that has been the kind of thing that would cause a depression and a slide into the worst. I've closed myself even deeper into the darkness that eats away at me, many things at a time. I've been unable to go to work or call and felt so confined in the darkest place in my mind and lose everything quickly.

Friday, I walked to work (justifiably angrily), went in, worked, called a bike place near where I live, left my bike there and had my cousin pick it up later and moved on with my life. I got it fixed Saturday morning and it even ended up costing about half the price I expected.

The thing I'm taking away from that situation is I didn't shut down emotionally, I dealt with it and didn't let it ruin my mood...after about an hour anyway; I was sooo ready to fight anyone that walked near me for a little bit.

   And here's the most surprising thing I've dealt with recently; a person who was my boss at an old job reached out to me. At first I wanted to let this person know all the negative things I had to say and be brutally honest in telling former boss every angry thought I had from when we worked together.

Here's a quick recap of why I wanted to jump on the chance to say some stuff to former boss:

     I worked at a job not too long ago where I was pushed to limits in ways I saw as very unfair and very mean. Certain managers were doing things both on a personal level and on a professional level that made my job beyond just difficult and frankly hurt my feelings.

I'm being vague because though I had a very bad 

time at the hands of certain people, I don't 

think it's right to bad mouth someone and it's 

even worse to talk about them when they have no 

way to defend their actions at the moment. I didn't 

and still don't know the while story and I'm 

not trying to say that because things were 

really bad then, they are bad people. 

Back to the story...

So this person sent me a friend request, so to speak, on social media and I was shocked. The last time I had any communication with this boss, I was scheduled to work one morning and I saw that they cut my hours so much that I wasn't going to be able to pay bills...so I walked out and that was the end of my time at that job. Three years there and I just walked out without saying a word.

I got the request and my first thought was, "Oooh now I can say all the stuff I wanted to say before!" I was ready to demolish that person and leave them with a mic drop message. I smartly took a little bit of time before responding and calmed down a little; I messaged that person later that night and I was brutally honest in questioning the friendship request but I didn't attack or say "all the things I wanted to say" but instead just questioned if the request was by accident.

They responded and basically said they missed me as a friend and they understood my somewhat angry message, causing me to asses what I was really mad about. Since the day I walked out, my life has gotten better and enough time had passed that any repercussions from everything that happened then was over.

I thought about this:

     I could have gotten all the brutal things out to them in that message. I could have told my former boss off without any worry about that person impacting my schedule/pay. I could have said anything to them and felt like I "won" but what then? Then that person either responds with anger and fights back or they walk away being beaten. That person took a chance at possibly being rejected by being the one to request a connection and they were at least more vulnerable (though it's a very small way, they were).

I thought about what I would gain by getting back at them now and it left me with a temporary good feeling and an empty feeling when I considered after that one response. I don't want to be like that, I actually got along really well that person before things went really badly and I would be closing the door on any chance at a friendship ever. Winning has never been my hope in life, just like making money has never been a motivation for me.

So after the initial message, I explained that I was just shocked by the request. I told that person that I can put the past behind me and I'd like to be friends. And at the end of a few more messages back and forth, we are gonna hang out. I could have held a grudge and lost a potential friend...but why? What would that do for me as a person?

I'd rather let go of that stupid grudge and re-connect with a person who was a good friend at one time. I won in such a more real and deeper way and I'm actually really happy about that. Also, I found out after I sent that first message that I have become so good at cutting people out of my life that I put that person in a box in my mind without thinking. When I gave myself a moment to actually feel, I realized I missed them and didn't WANT to cut them out.

Sometimes, I do things on autopilot that I might not actually want to but because it becomes the routine, I do it.

     At this very moment (Saturday May 25th 2019) I am 17 days away from my first big vacation. I, along with two good friends, am going to Hawaii and I could not be more excited! I also have plans to go to see the Grand Canyon in November and a BIG trip in 2022...but that's another story for another time.

Work has been really good and I'm moving about two blocks away some time in the near future. I have been fine tuning daily routines such as when I get to work, what I eat and my workout routine. The more I sharpen my life in little ways, the better I have become as a person.

I'm so close to getting my health insurance back and once I do, I'll be able to take medicine I need, migraine medicine and allergy meds.

I've been working on my YouTube future plans, I'm really excited about getting my vision out of my head and into the digital world. I have some decent plans that I hope I can share with the YouTube world and possibly find some way to gain a following. I'm gathering episodes now and I'm currently looking for guests who want to get their story and knowledge out there for fans to watch and relate to or learn from. It's gonna be good!

And finally I'm trying to figure out how to be happy, like actually happy Through my gender issues and understanding how to do things I want to do for myself, I've been trying to make myself a better person. I've been working on small things from training my voice, learning how to makeup better and better and how to accept compliments to big things like lose weight and eat better. So far so good. 

     The best thing to happen today is I finally gave in and signed up for my own internet so hopefully I won't be left in the dark like I have for the last few weeks.  Hopefully you'll be hearing from me more through this blog, instagram and YouTube (Knock on wood)

You CAN make it! A July 28th 2018 update

     Update:
I have not been suicidal in months; I haven't had any thoughts of ending myself even in a passing manner in such a long time. Ever since I was a little kid, my thoughts lined up with the philosophy "if something happens and there's any kind of danger, I don't care about risking my life or putting myself in between anyone else and life threatening situations. Now that's a great thing to do but the reason I did that was because I didn't care about me, not because I was selflessly protecting others.

     The difference between then and now isn't that I don't want to protect others or that I would save myself...BUT now I am honestly looking to live my life instead of imagining a scenario (a very very rare situation, despite what it looks like on the news. In all truth, it's not an everyday occurance that a life or death situation happens) I want to think about the positive possibilities, encourage people and focus on the good things this world has to offer.

     I've spent enough time thinking about what can go wrong or what  the worst case scenarios are, I am and have been for a while now actually enjoying life. And to anyone who has thought about suicide or anywho who feels hopeless or stuck or in any kind of bad situation, please know that ther eis always a way for things to get better. All it takes is thinking positive and baby steps toward positivity. It doesn't happen all in one day and you will fall back at times, but you can make it. You will make it. If I can go from a 9 year old trying to jump to my death to get out of living my life to the person I am today, than you can find a way to out live your depression and actually live instead of existing.

Social Learning

     So I've been thinking about how I react to confrontation, specifically confrontation that comes from leadership or someone trying to intimidate me. Right or wrong kinds of intimidation doesn't really matter in this context, we all have had times where someone tried to scare us with their authority but how I react is what I want to focus on.

I've had multiple times within the last few years where a boss has stood in front of me and point blank tried to intimidate me and my reaction has been one of an inability to back down or cower. I do not disrespect those bosses, I don't mean anything like that; I've learned along the way to assess the situation and choose how to not back down from a situation.

     One thing I am very good at is remembering embarrassing times or times I regret something, (I know, I know, I know everyone remembers embarrassing moments but just hear me out) I have a habit of taking a not-ideal time and applying it to future moments. You want an example? Alright.

I had the chance to meet one of my celebrity crushes, Emily Kinney, and while I didn't expect her to drop everything and marry me or anything I did want to leave a better impression than I did.

     The scene is set: I'm in line to meet Emily Kinney, I'm nervous, fifty people ahead of me, I'm thinking "what do I say?", forty people, I should give her some cheesy pickup line or have some fact about her that most wouldn't, thirty people, fifteen people, I'm trying not to look like I want to throw up, I get my camera ready and beg the guy behind me to take pictures for me, three people in front of me, I see her talking to other fans and cannot get over the fact that I'm about to meet a woman I have been obsessed on my 2nd favorite TV show and then...I'm next...I take a second and look at her with absolutely no words coming out of me. She smiles at me and I elegantly say the most poignant thing she's heard all day...is what I wish happened. Nope, that's not what happened. I look at her, take a deep nervous breath and blurt out...wait for it..."I'm a big fan. huh huh huh." She took a picture with me and THE ONLY THING that redeemed that moment was this, just as she was about to move on to the next 'big fan' I stopped and said, "Wait! Can I get a hug, please?" She smiled and gave me a hug.

     It was a cool memory, one that I'll look back on fondly...but it's also something I'll look back on and laugh at myself. How could I say, "Uh...I'm a big fan." Like, DUH. Of course I'm a big fan, I just stood in line for hours to take a picture with her!?

The thing I learned there was that I'm not good on the spot when I'm nervous and I learned to have a phrase that I can say to celebrities at Monster Mania so that I don't say dumb things. A few years later, I met another celebrity crush, Kristy Swanson, and I was probably more nervous then. She was so cool and I said, "How do you like this event?" and she told me she'd been to a few cons and that opened up a conversation.

I started saying that or something close to that every time I met a celebrity and that started a conversation, it helped me keep calm and not fangirl out. And that made me think about how I can best use that information in my daily life; If I plan out some little go-to things or phrases, I can reduce some of my anxieties.

     Now to bring the story back from the rabbit hole, I learned from one situation and applied it in the future. I'm trying to learn now how to take situations where I'm confronted and figure out how to handle them correctly in the moment instead of doing the wrong thing THEN doing the right thing the next time.

I know it's not some deep super meaningful nugget of knowledge, sometimes growing isn't all explosions and bursts of greatness all at once. This is something I've been thinking about for a few days and something I want to get better at, mainly learning when to be forceful and sound confident (I say 'sound' because I'm very very not irl) and when to be quiet and when to be loud...etc.

     Quick life update:

*I got my second dose of estradiol which means I've taken just about 3 months worth so far and I see emotional changes but vey very little physical...still. I have been really happy with how things have been with everyone at work and almost everyone I've shared this part of my life with, I love when people call me Layla; I'm making plans to legally change my name as soon as I can.

*I'm working on organizing my life, small steps at a time. So if you talk to me, I am always looking for how others organize their life in just about any way.

*I have been adding makeup to my daily life little by little and that's interesting. I want to murder babies when I get mascara in my eye but othe rthan that, I love it. It's amazing finally letting out the girlie side of me that I'v ebeen locking away for so long.

*This A.D.D. thing has gotten out of hand, while writing this diary entry, I did about 95 distracting things and thought about...oooh butterfly --->

*One final question: If I made videos detailing my thought and journey, would you watch them? Would you rather read or watch? Comment and let me know.